I went onto Google Analytics last night and decided to click on that section that shows you what people are searching online that lands them on your site. Big mistake. HUGE. I should have never known. And of course, I have to share it with you. Because it’s crazy bad. First of all…if you are one of these people…you know who you are…I gotta tell ya, you are either a pervert or high. Granted these are not the majority…otherwise I would need to change my content. But it’s too funny not to share so here we go. In bold are things that people are searching on the internet and it landed them somehow in some fashion on my site. I also typed my initial reaction…
ahh push labour on table birth – whoa. this had a sound affect and everything. someone is getting ready and apparently even needed to type the labor noises. Hope it went well…you will have to share your secrets because I can’t imagine laboring on a table….
fathers day post cards sexy pictures – either you want to give your dad a card with sexy pictures of himself (which is an odd way to commemorate his fatherhood) or you want to give your dad a card with sexy pictures of someone else (which is a weird way to get a sibling)….either way I suggest getting a card that would not include sexy pictures and instead substitute a photo of a golf bag or a beer keg…both options that make you look more appreciative of your dear old dad and allow him to believe he didn’t raise a perv.
hotties sexy squating chicks home alone pinterest – I don’t know what throws me more with this phrase….the part with squatting chicks or the part referencing a Macaulay Culkin movie.
girls in white panties – I only imagine the person googling this phrase to find the post about pregnancy underwear…talk about buzz kill.
how to make a flotation device with pool noodles – I hate to break it to ya but pool noodles float people.
I totally recommend bag of 3300 pound bag – when do bags even carry or weigh 3300 pounds?! Is that even possible?
invisible plane to rent for parties – hands down one of my favorites. I only hope they found one at a reasonable price that can only be seen by smart people 🙂
mens comments on breastfeeding – there is only one correct answer to this google and it is “you are an amazing woman. Can I rub your feet?”
sexy guy neck veins – didn’t even know this was a thing. next thing you know your husband comes home with neck vein implants.
what girls excatally feel in the rain – we feel drops of water….kinda like what guys excatally feel when it rains.
So those are my top ten weirdest search terms….have you fellow bloggers done this? Any other folks want to share theirs? I’d love to hear your favorite…
I LOVE the idea of searching for invisible planes for parties…that concept sounds fascinating and scary at the same time. For someone’s next “stealth plane” birthday party. LOL.
LOL. I always get some crazy google searches, but I think your ‘invisible plane to rent for parties’ tops mine hands down. I just looked at mine for last week and had some nice ones;
“Salems lady in real life” (Salem is my cat)
“Accident in my body” (Uhhh — how?)
“Happy redneck 4th of July”
Hmm.
Oh my WORD, I read this on my lunch break at work and was holding my nose and my breath in an attempt to stifle my hysterical giggles.
SO. FUNNY. You should check out the “If Google were a guy” videos on youtube – they’re good for a laugh 🙂
Hah, that is just excatally too much fun! Loved your reactions and any idea where I can rent that invisible plan for a party because that sounds like fun too 🙂
plane*
First time commenter, long time lurker. Seriously long time.
This post just made my day. Even my deadline-crunched-too-much-work-and-not-enough-time-work-day can undo the happiness I just got from reading that.
*can’t.
See, told you. Too much work….
LOL Seriously almost fell out of my chair…. that was a great start to my day. 🙂
I love this! Laughed through the whole thing.
I had someone search for “brass knuckles homemade.” UM NO.
Here’s a few other odd ones I blogged about….but they are nothing compared to the wierdos that read your blog. Ha!
http://plantingsequoiasblog.com/2013/10/11/15-search-engine-terms-people-have-used-to-find-my-blog-in-which-i-unsuccessfully-try-to-tamp-down-narcissistic-tendencies/
Well, I laughed at all of them but I think my favorite is “sexy guy neck veins.” Is that even a THING?
I love doing this! My favorite search in my stats right now is “your smells make me miss u”. Weird. It’s a blog about children’s books-I’m not sure at all how this applies!
Ok, you just made my morning. I almost spit out my coffee on almost every one. I’m crying laughing at your comments. Thanks for starting my day off with a bang!!
(sorry if I posted this comment twice. My computer was acting up this morning)
‘Sexy guy neck veins’?! Seriously WTF? Ha, this is just hilarious.
So, I had a look at mine and they were pretty mild in comparison. However, these stuck out…
“Barefoot shopper” – no comment
“cuz that’s how I roll” – okay I must be waaay cooler than I think I am
“blasphemous” – probably talking about my brownie bites
“hyperactive monkey” – probably landing on a page about by toddler…
V @ Life+1
I love the invisible plane to rent for parties…. and the push labor with sound affects!
I had a search that was something like “Ultrasound with the name Haley”. I’m glad I cropped my name off on the ultrasound because I’m picturing some crazy woman trying to trap her man using my ultrasound.
the last one is the absolute best.
I mean they are all insane and weird and just…creepy? but the last one I was dying.
What do girls exactly feel in the rain? – actually we feel like it is acid some days, you know burning our skin and making us weep internally – and other days it feels like silk caressing us reminding us that we love the rain.
^that is the sarcastic comment I want to say back to them.
I got really upset when I did this once because one of the searches for my blog was “thick legs short skirt.” No explanation necessary, but that really ticked me off!
http://jax-and-jewels.blogspot.com
I was silently chuckling at my desk throughout. Great start to my work day!
Hahahaha! Oh my… that is so weird. People these days. They are pretty strange.
Sarah
http://www.sarahsdaybook.com
awesome. your people know how to party!
xo – kb
I love hyperactive monkey….dang it why don’t I use that term more!
xo -kb
I once got “Hello with cheese”. And I’m guessing the “3300 pound bag” was a search for the dumpster/bag thingie y’all used in this post… https://www.bowerpowerblog.com/2013/01/becoming-a-bag-lady/
These are funny and some disturbing. I don’t have any really funny ones but I would say a few times a month I get a hit search of someone looking for large Georgia mansion. I don’t live in Georgia. Don’t have a mansion and am pretty sure I have never even used those words. Also why are so many people looking for Georgia mansions? I also got searched the blog with the home. I giggled at that because a ton of blogs have homes in it. Not sure if they ever found the one they were looking for.
Feeding my baby and trying to hold back from laughing loudly
This is so weird. I’ve never heard of it. Now I have to go see!
Wow, I’ve never had anything so weird show up in my traffic keywords! So funny! I’m glad you turned it into a post so we could all laugh with you!
Your blog made me laugh this morning and I realized that I hadn’t looked at Google Analytics in quite a while. I think “white-girl-trash-cooking” was my favorite. ???
yes!! this is why you’re the best – or “bombchilly.com” as I heard some chick say at Panera last week
AHHH! I just died… out loud… at work. That was so good. I used to blog full time before I went back to work (after 2 years as a SAHM) and I would get the WEIRDEST search terms too. Odd part about it was people would search something completely unrelated, end up on my page about cloth diapering, and be commenting away. So strange.
Oh my goodness Katie!! This has me laughing so hard!!! Thank you for some morning entertainment as I drink my coffee 🙂 definitely makes you wonder what some people are thinking…
This is too good! Loved this post for a good laugh. Totally random but really funny.
I didn’t even know that was a thing. Man, the white panties comment had me crackin’ up! So funny!
-Stephanie
HA! This had me awkwardly laughing out loud…at my desk…at work. It’s kind of creepy that some of these people landed on your blog. ew.
I just checked some of mine, and this made me crack up!
“what gives you the runs when eating taco salad”
“i got fettuccine with shrimp and broccoli then i put it in the fridge… its it ok to reheat in a couple days or will the shrimp be bad ” (wow that is a specific search!)
So funny and random! Do you post about neck veins a lot or something?
Ours are mostly normal… except for “how to butcher a human” (a blog post I assure you we’ve never done):
http://www.hardlyhousewives.com/2012/06/how-to-butcher-human-and-other-blog.html
Love this! I glance at the search terms on a daily basis, but I have never looked at the all-time list. Many of mine are about broken legs (my daughter) and duct-tape Christmas trees (my daughter, again), but I had a few funny ones:
* elephants in a box – I don’t have any, I’m sorry to say…
* house painted dragons breath – it’s not, though that might be cool, all singe-y and everything…
and best of all:
* i want powers to make my lover come back to me – I knew 22 years of marriage (so far) was a feat, but I didn’t know it had given me any powers! I think I will use them for good and not for evil.
“Hello with cheese” is awesome. That should become the new hip phrase.
I read this while my baby was passed out on me in a nursing coma … lets just say that he wasnt sleeping anymore after I finished cry-laughing through this post. Thanks for ruining nap time Katie! 😉
“circular suggary brown hard foods” – I can only assume they meant “cookies” 😛
I was laughing out loud at these — I’m going to have to go check my own!
That is hilarious – thanks for sharing!
Liz @ ShoppingMyCloset.com
Style Me Wednesday blog link-up (live!)
Oh, man – I posted mine on an IG screenshot the other day. They were – “What kind of pussy can I get”, “Drunk piss stories” and “vagina paint”. I have a mommy blog. Ummm…what???
I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that the sexy pictures father’s day card was someone who wanted to give sexy pictures to their husband, who is also a father, but not their own father. Although I agree it’s a strange gift for the occasion.
OMG – I’m dying. Well, mostly amazed that people actually search for the weirdest things ever. Here are a few favorites from mine: hairy giraffes, hats with names, can f capital in
Yours are way better! But I’m totally going to keep an eye on this from now on.
You know its a good laugh when your nostrils are flaring – laughing at work when you shouldn’t be laughing is the best type of laugh to have! Thank you! xx
The pool noodle one made me chuckle. No work needed. Presto, change-o, done! You can float!
If I were wearing pregnancy underwear, I would have just wet them!! Too funny. I’m off to rent an invisible plane, oh, and get my husband some hot neck implants
Yep. Pretty amazing alright. Wonder what the bounce rate is for these fine people? The ones that scare me are my sources – when you have “quirky” in your name you get visits from some very scary places.
And this is EXACTALLY why I love your blog! I just never know what your posts are going to be about and this one made my day. Seriously in tears and trying not to laugh out loud at my desk!
Really random PS — did you ever finish your sliding barn door? If not, I found this the other day and thought it might be helpful?? http://www.vintagerevivals.com/2014/06/how-to-build-a-lightweight-sliding-barn-door.html
Best search: What kind of perfume does Mel B wear… I run a home improvement/wedding blog people. 🙂
Love how funky yours are… just means you’ve got more style than the rest of us!
sooooo funny!! I don’t have a blog so I can’t compare! :o(
yes! I actually have seen Mandi’s – actually I think that is originally an idea I saw in Cottage Living but Mandi recreated it! It’s definitely cheaper but it would probably bother me because it runs metal on metal (which I have an irrational fear that it would be like nails on a chalkboard!)
xo – kb
Vagina Paint!!????
Oh, this had me ROLLING. Hilarious.
This gave me a good laugh. Wow amazing!! Have a happy day 🙂
Hahahaha This is incredible!!! Mine are no where near as hilarious, but you made me curious to look and I did enjoy this one: “weiner dog bachelorette party” which lead them to this post… http://cobaltshouse.com/2014/04/17/a-bachelorette-weekend-and-a-dachshund-date/
I don’t know what a weiner dog bachelorette party is, but now I really want to go to one.
haha! I guess someone’s weiner is getting hitched 🙂
xo – kb
This was EXACTLY what I needed for my Friday morning! Thank you!
For the person who googled “sexy freedelog” and got my blog, I’m sorry. I feel confident they did not find what they were looking for.
I also was puzzled by “what is the bigs refral”, but nothing tops “I see brown things like worm in my friends kitchen.” I really don’t know what to make of that one.
HAHA! DYING!
xo – kb