Dear Will,
It’s no secret that I did not immediately bond to you. I knew I wanted you. I knew you were the most perfect choice for me – specifically designed by The Creator to be mine even before I met you. I knew He knit you together…your splattered freckles, your dark brown eyes, and your strong-willed and sweet personality. I dreamt about you. I yearned for you. And I expected to be able to hold you for the first time and feel an overwhelming and startling love.
Everyone told me that the moment you were born, the moment I held you in my arms, love would hit me. They said that it would be like an instant knowing. A bond of mother to child that would drive me to cherish every moment. A waiting fire that would be lit with a spark of meeting. A wall of “he-is-the-best-thing-ever” that would hit me so hard that life before you would be inconceivable…but that just isn’t our story.
It was months later that I finally knew I really loved you. Months. That’s a long time to wait. But you were worth it. You were my little handful. My ball of mess. You were cholicy and I was on the brink of sanity. My hard headed breastfeeder. My high maintenance boy. The change that you brought to my life was extreme. I wanted you. I wanted you before you were ever conceived…and that comforting feeling helped through the long nights and the painful days. Just like falling for your daddy…it took time. And with you, the waiting was filled with tears and fears and heartache. I wanted to love you. When I fed you, I would stare at you the entire time, waiting patiently for any fleeting second of eye contact or a contented hum to pass your lips. I bathed you hoping for a fleeting interaction that would drive me forward, I changed you – addressing the rash with a sense of humor, I slept everyday with you on my chest breathing in your newness, tormenting myself with the thoughts of the word ‘never’. Could I really be a parent that never falls in love with their own child? Would that love never come? Maybe you would never love me back? Is it me? Maybe I was never meant to be a mother… maybe there was a mistake…. maybe…
No. No…I refused to believe it. I decided that this thing between us…this emotional connection…this vibrant and colorful love – well, it just a bud…a early flower that was waiting to bloom. It was like winter. And the spring and it’s birth of love would come. It just needed time. It needed a little care. and it needed me to learn to wait. So I did. The waiting continued. and continued.
And then…oddly enough…with no loud announcement or incident of notice…it came.
The love.
It grew and grew until it washed over me. Like an ocean of warm maple syrup. sweet and comforting. I was willing to drown myself in you. That love was and is and continues to be so so sweet. You are my baby and I am your mommy. There was no mistake. There was no error or smacking wall. There was just sowing before the harvest. work before the prize. a season of rebirth.
I tell you this to say…sometimes life isn’t what you expect. sometimes you get what you want. or what you think you want. and sometimes you have to wait. and bend. and hold fast. sometimes the absolute best thing ever doesn’t follow your plan. and sometimes you just have to let go.
I am so so thankful for you.
I am thankful for your wet goodnight kisses.
I am thankful for your unending requests of ‘hold you mommy’.
That fire was lit by thousands of dirty diaper changes and millions of sweet baby giggles.
You taught me how to wait…how to lay myself down…how to choose love even when it was hard.
And now I am soaked in it. From head to toe. It’s in my bones and my veins….
You are my sweetest thing. my best. my greatest and everything I ever wanted.
I love you. I love you. I love you my sweet sweet boy.
and now that I have it, I will never let that go. Never.
Wonderful. So obvious that you have so so so much love for your baby, he is so lucky to have you. I too didn’t get that sudden burst of warm mushy, nothing else matters love and tormented myself with the worry that this was not meant to be. How long did you struggle for?
Wauw! That’s all i can say right now.
I was just wondering if you forgot the warning at the beginning of this that I would need tissues??? I didn’t bond right away either. 2 months of a non-stop crying baby and wondering where I went wrong and then a little longer and it came to me. I couldn’t appreciate this letter more. Hugs to you Katie!!
This is precious, Katie, and so honest. Everyone told me I was going to feel that way at birth but it didn’t happen. Like you I knew I wanted and loved my son but I don’t think I “fell in love” with him till six months… And I felt like a bad mother for this but whatever, I am coo-coo about him, even if his little one and a half self drives me to the crazy place now. 🙂 thanks for always being honest here.
Katie, this is just beautiful. Beyond-words beautiful. I can’t wait to feel a love like this one day. Xx
Katie,
I felt very much the same way with my son. He was difficult (still is lol) and I was exhausted. Well meaning advice from all those around me pushed me almost to my breaking and I worried that I would never be the mom I had always hoped. Then, the skies cleared and my prayers for patience and understanding were no longer needed on an hourly basis. Jake will be 3 in January and I sit here at 32 Weeks pregnant with our second reading this honest account of how sometimes life isn’t what we expect but our plan comes second to His. Thanks for sharing and keeping me company during this late night bout of heartburn!
Wow. That was beautiful. Thank you.
That made me cry. I’m 32 weeks pregnant with a boy, my first baby. I love love love this post. Thank you so much for writing it. 🙂
So sweet, nothing quite the love we have for our children, even if we don’t feel it straight away. I didn’t feel the immediate connection with my 2nd daughter, but it came and it came in hard and strong,
Love all of wills pics, he is looking so grown up!
Thanks for this, Katie. I was actually just filling in a section of my daughter’s baby book last night and it brought back so many memories of my own failure to bond. I felt like a leper – as if my inability to love her immediately was some disease. I was embarrassed and ashamed and terrified. Breastfeeding was horrendous, she cried all day, threw up after every feeding, and I just wanted my life to go back to normal. Over a year later, I’m living a “new” normal, but love her more than anything in the world (except my hubby) and she is perfect. I really feel like I’ll bond better with our next child because I understand now how miraculous children are, and what a blessing they are (or at least become once they start sleeping a few hours a day).
Again, appreciate your honesty, and wish I had been able to read this before my own, oh-so-similar experience.
XoXo
Absolutely beautiful words Katie, you really know how to express your feelings in such a down to earth honest way. I really hope that one day I get to feel the wonderful feelings that come along with being a mama. Love reading your blog, love Carly from Australia xx
Beautifully written. Thanks for your honesty!
I actually JUST got an acceptance letter from a website for a pretty similar essay about my own experiences! I think that story about instant love must happen to some people, but not to all of us, and our slow-growing bonding can be beautiful and NORMAL too.
Aaaaand I’m crying. So beautiful and so brave.
What a beautiful letter to your baby boy! Thank you so much for sharing your struggles and triumphs- you bring a ‘real-ness’ to your blog that so many others are lacking, and all of your readers love you for it!!
Katie,
This is beautiful. I sit here in tears reading your eloquent words. My daughter is 2.5 and I too waited for the that feeling. It wasn’t as long as it was for you, but it wasn’t until she was about 9 weeks old that I was hit by that wonderful love. She is my world. I am her and she is me… when I stop for a second and look at her and take all of her in, I am overwhelmed. How was I so lucky to be gifted such a wonderful person?
Thanks for your words… such a nice thing to read this Thursday morning. 🙂
Beautiful. Simply beautiful!
Katie that was so beautifully written I was brought to tears. You can see the love you feel for your son (and husband) in the words your write and the pictures you take. And I am sure your new little man will just add to that amazing love.
What a beautiful post! It brought tears to my eyes. Will is very lucky to have you as his mom. 🙂
Thank you for writing this. When I had my first child (girl) the connection was instant. I felt an amazing motherly love the moment I laid eyes on her. When I had my son a few years later I was shocked that I didn’t instantly feel the same way. I hate to admit it now, but the first few weeks of his life I regretted having him. I just didn’t feel that connection and I felt so sorry for him that he had me as a mother. Thankfully that feeling passed and gave way to an overwhelming love. It is nice to know I’m not alone in this experience 🙂
I read this post right after I had finished doing my makeup this morning and had to touch up my mascara. So very sweet. Thank you for always being honest!
Katie,
I just wanted to say thank you for your honesty. Motherhood, especially in the beginning, isn’t always rainbows and butterflies like everyone always leads you to believe. When my daughter was first born I was overwhelmed, hated breastfeeding, and, like you, worried I had made a mistake. But it takes time. It’s a huge life change that you are thrust into with no idea what you’re doing. I can remember looking at my daughter thinking “what have I done, I don’t know how to be a mother.” But it happened, over time, I became one. I love my daughter more than I ever imagined, but, as you said, it is a love that grew. I just wanted to say thank you for being real…for sharing all your ups and downs so that we can all see we’re not alone. 🙂 (And for sharing pictures of your super adorable son with us.)
Emily
Beautiful letter, Katie. Raw and honest and something that I’m certain Will will appreciate when he gets older.
When I was expecting our second boy, I wondered how I could ever find room in my heart to love another child as much as I loved my first. But with his arrival, my heart swelled and GREW and my love multiplied to love them each in their own special ways. Baby Boy #2 will bring his own joys and trials and rashes, and you will find your own unique love for him as well.
You are a wonderful and loving mother, and you and Will and the new little one are so lucky to have each other.
Katie…
What a beautiful post. How vulnerable and strong. The unspoken truths that as Moms we rarely discuss for fear of appearing to be ‘lacking’ in some regards.
I have had both experiences with my kids. With my first, my son, it was almost instantaneous, that love, that bond. And with my second, my daughter, it was slower. I felt more like an audience than a participant in her early days. She was much harder to feed, harder to put down. But just as you so eloquently described, that love built up slow and full to a point of almost knocking you down with it.
Thanks for sharing.
xo
Beautiful, Katie. Simply beautiful.
I am so thankful for this post. I, too, wanted my baby girl so badly but never felt that overwhelming feeling immediately. So glad to know I’m not bat shit crazy or alone! Bless you and your sweet boy!
As always Katie, you are an inspiration. I respect your honesty and willingness to share with us! Although I am not a mother (yet!), this is one of the biggest fears that I have… thank you for sharing your story today. 🙂
Beautifully written! They say that that you have to work for the best things in life 🙂
There is nothing to say but, “Thank you.”
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for describing what love is, the love of a mother for a child.
I have two stepchildren, adults now, who came into my life when they were about 12 and 10 years old. We’ve been through a lot. They may not be children birthed from my body, but they are children of my heart.
Never before have I ever thought to try to describe HOW I fell for those two, but your words?
There you go, M and J – THIS is how I feel about you both!!!
(Barring the diapers, you WERE a bit older when we found each other…LOL!)
its such a shock, becoming a mom. I remember being so fearful of giving my oldest a bath when he was a newborn (it seems silly now..) My daughter had colic + reflux, but overall I did find it easier with my second. thanks for sharing your heart, beautifully written..
Katie, I just wanted to say thank you for this passage (even though it was intended for Will 🙂 ): sometimes life isn’t what you expect. sometimes you get what you want. or what you think you want. and sometimes you have to wait. and bend. and hold fast. sometimes the absolute best thing ever doesn’t follow your plan. and sometimes you just have to let go.
My husband and I have been struggling with infertility for 2 years and this passage really really spoke to me this morning. So thank you for inspiration on a day when I really needed it.
beautiful!
This is really interesting. Everyone always tells you that you will be washed over with love the moment you see them. But then what are you to think if that doesn’t happen, that something’s wrong with you? That you didn’t have the mother gene? I thought that before I ever got pregnant, and God changed my heart, and has turned my life plan upside down with one of the most amazing blessings. I never would have dreamed of having twins, and am still overwhelmed when I think about how I have no idea what to do with one baby let alone TWO. I imagine my story being very much like this when these girls come out in a few months because I am just not the person to fall into their emotions. Thank you for sharing this, it’s definately REAL, and I think everyone sugar coats pregnancy and birth when it’s a lot of work that noone tells you about before you are knee deep in it.
I felt the same way with my daughter. “I have to take it home??” Oh, but that sweet rush when it comes. There’s nothing like it. You have such a nice way about you, Katie. Hugs to you guys.
This post and the breast feeding have been very encouraging to me this week. After two girls I now have a precious boy who I am head-over-heels for! I have had nursing problems from the start of him not transferring milk. So it’s nurse, tube feed supplement, then pump. My two girls have been great, but I do left out at times on family fun. I am trying to remember its a season through the tears and constant monitoring his weight progress. It nice to hear from others the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow is there.
Thank you for being so honest- I’m sure there are many mamas out there that have struggled or are struggling with this. It’s so obvious that you’re completely in love with that little guy- which I’m sure is easy seeing that he’s so stinkin’ adorable. Even though I don’t personally know you- you seem like such a fun, loving mama- Will is lucky to have you 🙂
Wow….beautifully said.
What a beautiful blog to start off my morning! Thank you for sharing this story and these words with us all. This post will be such a treasure for Will to look back on as he grows older!
In one post, you summed up the first few months with a new man in my life. I think feeling this way is normal, NOT abnormal. I wanted to put him back in and forget the struggles of being a new mom. I wanted to feel normal, like I felt before I had him. And I’m so impatient that the time it took for me to fall in love with him and want him around felt like a lifetime. 2 years later, he’s my bubba, my love, my whole world and I would go back and relive those terrible first 2 months over and over again just to know that it would turn out like this. Thank you for this post.
Awwww! What a wonderful post! I love it. And that picture of Will walking across the grass?…Fu.ture.Heart.break.er.
Katie,
This is so powerful and honest and amazing. Thank you for being brave enough to share your feelings (I’ve had the same too). So often, I’ve felt like something is wrong with me, but you’ve put a different perspective on things– so thank you. I cannot tell you how much this meant to me. You are an awesome blogger, wife, momma, and woman of God!
Love,
Bethany
Oh Katie, you write so beautifully. I needed this today. Thank you so much for being able (and willing) to tackle the hard stuff.
Beautifully written and made my heart ache in a good way.
Wow – wasn’t really expecting tears this morning!!!
My favorite thing about your blog (other than your beautiful and inspiring photography, oh, and DIYs) is your honesty. It’s so refreshing.
Very well written, Katie. I tend to think c-section mommas struggle with bonding more than the natural exit mommas do. At least they seem to be willing to talk about it more. Anytime an experience changes from what you thought it was going to be (from joy to fear for example) it takes a bit to get past that. We c-section moms miss out on all the great hormone and endorphin releases too.
Also, this instant bond with a sparkly halo around it is the world’s notion of love. It’s infatuation, not love. True love is a deep love that involves sacrifice and dedication. Breastfeeding even when it’s painful, being so tired that you want to cry, and never doing anything you WANT to do sums up early motherhood and THAT takes dedication and sacrifice regardless if there are rainbows and ponies present. 🙂
Take heart, bonding seemed more natural and came much quicker with my 2nd baby. I think at that point you realize you won’t have any free time until you’re 50 anyway so why not enjoy this little baby while you can?!? After all, they grow up super quick as I’m sure you know.
I just cried!!! So SO sweet!
Katie – This is beautiful.
Katie,
This is a beautiful letter to you son. I think it rings true for more women than would care to admit – I know I’m one of them. I had a similar experience with my daughter – I’ve always wanted kids, but when she came I just wasn’t ready and couldn’t seem to form that bond for what felt like forever. I felt terribly guilty, like I wasn’t cut out to be a mother. I’m not sure exactly when it happened, but it did and now it’s an overwhelming sense of completeness. Like, how did I live before she was here? It’s an amazing feeling and I applaud you for letting women know it’s ok if it doesn’t happen right away; there is no need to feel guilty. Sometimes love just takes time.
Thanks for sharing!
-Christa
Thanks for the tears. I completely understand this, except this is how it was with baby boy #2. My 1st was easy, instantly attached to me, his cries made my heart rip, and the smell of his hair made me crazy in love with him. My 2nd son, it has taken some time. He is a high needs baby, wants mommy nonstop, has to be held or laying next to someone, refuses a bottle, the list could go on. I hated talking about those things with people, because I never wanted it to seem like I was complaining for this blessing we’d been given. But we are finding our groove, he has the most beautiful big eyes, and that smile is melting my heart. I would tell my husband at the beginning that #2 hated me, now I just say I’m his favorite! 🙂
Katie – I just wanted to say “thank you” for this post. You somehow put into words exactly how motherhood began for me as well. So beautiful. And my son’s name is Will, too 🙂
Thank you for writing such an honest post. This is definitely what keeps me coming back as a loyal reader. I’m not a mother yet, but I have heard that sometimes it takes the love time to come, and this is one of the best, and most reassuring descriptions I have ever read. I’ll be sharing with all of friends who are mommies! Thanks Katie!
I think the “moment your baby is placed in your arms….” love moment is overdone. By movies, tv, etc. I definitely didn’t feel it with my first. You described it perfectly… it slowly crept in and months later I realized I knew this little person and loved her.
Maybe it is overdone though because people remember it with their subsequent kids and forget how it was with the first. Because the second time around, it was easier. Maybe because you are already in “Mom mode”?
Beautiful. Comforting. Genuine.
Katie, this is beautiful. Whenever you write something deeply emotional like this, it strikes a chord with me. My tendency is to get discouraged when something big doesn’t happen the way it’s “supposed to,” and… worse… my usual reaction is to retreat and to close myself off. Your unfailing ability to keep your heart open and faith strong is amazing to me. I hope you never lose that.
This is such a sweet love letter to your little boy. Your love for him shines through so brightly! Blessings on you and your family. 🙂
🙂 Beautiful, Katie. Thank you for sharing.
Absolutely Perfect. Thank you for your honesty and openness.
Katie,
Keep soaking him in. I love your honesty and your braveness.
I think you loved before you knew it. I think it was something you had all along and some that was there but you just didn’t see it because you were IN in. Its like watching a friend fall in love and YOU know its right.. but they just don’t see it yet.
Dont stop being YOU 🙂
I loved the post. It made me cry bitter sweet tears… I felt like I’m not alone in this journey of motherhood and that falling in love with your baby is a process… Ivan relate to every word that you said, from agonizing breast feeding to sleepless nights. But now, looking at my 4 year old beautiful, smart and funny son I realize that he is everything I ever wanted. I love him so so very much. Thank you for reminding me that love is a verb. That it’s a choice. It’s an effort. Thanks for sharing.
This is beautiful. I felt the exact same way with my firstborn. But the second time around, now that i knew what that fully blossomed love for a child felt like, it came much sooner 🙂 I hope it’s the same for you.
Katie – beautifully written… this reminds me that I too will have that bond with a future child. I try to remind myself daily that it’s not up to me and the best things in life aren’t free 🙂 but come to those who wait – this continues my hope for that. Thank you!
Beautiful Katie. I was in a similar boat. Even though my baby was easy from the beginning (minus three weeks of breastfeeding hell), I wasn’t overcome by that knock-you-over feeling of love. I realized that he is a person, our relationship just changed drastically, and I had to get to know him for him just like any other person. But living as his mama now is so wonderful and I love him lots. I think it’s healthy to feel and see this, and nice to know that this love will only continue to grow! I wrote about my experience here: http://themurrayedlife.blogspot.com/2012/05/strange-breakup.html
Will seems like such a wonderful boy who gets to grow up in such a loving, honest family. What a lucky little dude 🙂
This is the sweetest thing! PS. Octopus shirt picture. I want to frame it and put it in my house. Even though he’s not mine that is the cutest picture! You are such an amazing mama 🙂
beautiful <3
Beautiful. I am tearing up over my oatmeal. What a beautiful tribute yo your little one. (As well as an important lesson: “sometimes life isn’t what you expect. sometimes you get what you want. or what you think you want. and sometimes you have to wait. and bend. and hold fast. sometimes the absolute best thing ever doesn’t follow your plan. and sometimes you just have to let go. ” We all need to be reminded of that from time to time…)
Oh dear…I am now a sobbing mess. Thankfully I read this at home, not my office. I need to go hug my children….
Melt my heart. I struggled with my boy (Vincent, 17 months) and am finally understanding I had post partum. Yuck! And we still struggle. Development delays out the wazoo, and now a possibility of autism. It’s frustrating, yet in the midst of a child who freaks out if I leave his side and I get nothing done, I’m in love. Wholeheartedly in love. I seriously can have the most frustrating day with him and when I get in bed, I miss him. Crazy right? Moms are crazy.
I love to see your beautiful pictures of Will, reminds me of my own, first-born, brown-eyed boy. I’m with you girl. I have two boys, my oldest 13. When he was born and they laid him on my chest I didn’t experience the rush of love and happiness that I thought I would and was told I would. It was overwhelming and confusing and just plain weird. He was planned and conceived in love, but the experience for me just wasn’t what I thought it would be. Like for you it took time for the bonding and the love to grow. I love and adore my babies, who were beautifully knit together in my womb, but it wasn’t instantaneous. Just wanted you to know you were not alone. I’m glad to know I’m not either 🙂
I think posts like this need a warning — something along the lines of “WARNING: THIS WILL MAKE YOU CRY AT WORK” so that those of us who have a desk job don’t look like blubbering fools when we sneak onto your blog each day. 😉
Seriously, this was so sweet. I have so much respect for you for admitting that your journey wasn’t the same as everyone else’s and having the courage to admit that there were times you questioned yourself, your child and everything about motherhood.
I’m not a Mom yet, but I know that if I eventually get that opportunity, I’ll be able to re-read this post on days when I’m having a rough go of it and know that everything will work out.
Oh girl…this was beautiful. And brave. I too waited (not so) patiently for that love to come, and probably around the second month it did. And I of course went through the same emotions of “maybe I just wasn’t meant to be a mother??” “What’s wrong with me?” It’s yet another example of how motherhood is different for every mother and every child. So happy your love came to you!
Beautiful, and refreshingly honest. I had a very similar experience with my first 2 children. The love does grow deep over time and is consuming!! But, for me it also wasn’t instant…it was a slow journey….a commitment at first that turned into a beautiful love.
Thank you for saying this for me. Beautifully done.
X’s & O’s,
Danya
Um, WOW!! Amazing words! Tears. Best post you have ever written. (And you’ve written a lot of good ones!)
My nephew also used to say “hold you”…now he is 9. Loved it.
Getting closer for the new one. I understand and did the same thing (wrote a love letter to my son while pregnant with my daughter). Like you have to make sure they know just how much you love them and it will never change even with the little one coming. It won’t. On mother’s day the card from my daughter included a written line from her -“thank you for teaching me that hearts can only grow with love”
After birthing my precious baby boy, he was whisked away to nicu, and I went to sleep. Sleep!! Oh, I asked how he was and knew it was nothing life threatening, just a precaution. I didn’t realize until after we had bonded, that letting him go like that without a care signified I hadn’t fallen for him yet. I knew I loved him, I just didn’t feel it. And the only thing that felt like getting hit with a wall was my milk coming in. Cheers to you and the adorable men in your life! I’m a mama of two boys and I wouldn’t want it any other way!
I am crying right now because this is pretty much the same letter I wrote to my son. So beautiful 🙂
what a beautiful beautiful post. i’m sitting in my cubicle trying to make sure no one can hear me crying.
you are a WONDERFUL mother. Will is so blessed.
I love this post, because it describes just how I felt with my son. There wasn´t a lightning bolt when he was born, but my heart leaps when I hold him now…
🙂
perfectly put. as a mom, it gave me goose bumps. yea for the unpretentious love of and for a child.
i’m a puddle…this is so sweet. i feel the same way about my 2 year old – i can’t get enough of him lately. i’m pregnant and as my belly has grown, he’s become more and more attached to me. i’m a bit nervous about how he will react when baby arrives…but believe, like will, he will be the best big brother. sweet little boys!!
Katie, thank you so much for this post. I feel like everything that you just said came out of my mouth. I had a baby boy in January. A colicky, high-maintenance, “bundle of joy”. :). I am falling more and more in love with him everyday but being a first-time mom has been more challenging than I ever imagined. Thank you for your honesty…it’s refreshing. Thank you for making me feel less alone. 🙂
This is so sweet! I kind of felt the same way because no one tells you how hard it is to raise a newborn but like you, i’m so in love with my son and look forward to just sitting and holding him everyday when I pick him up from daycare. OR just holding him in the mornings after nursing him back to sleep.
Although I read your blog every time a new posting pops up in my reader, I have yet to take the time out to comment. But today you made me cry with this sweet post. And I wanted to share you weren’t the only one who didn’t have love at first sight with their child. I think it was two months or more before that feeling washed over me – it was beautiful and deep and swirling like the sea. And I fall more in love with my daughter every day.
When my son was born 18 months ago, I thought it was would be the same long courtship I had with my daughter, but no, this time was instantaneous. I held him and I loved him. Maybe the dam had been released and there was no stopping it. But I just wanted to let you know it might be different this time. Both are treasured blessings. Nothing prepared me for the magnitude of love motherhood opens you up to. And it is truly a miracle how it keeps on growing and expanding. My cup runneth over. Blessings to you and yours.
Wow, what a beautiful post. I really do appreciate that reminder. As one of my favourite songs says, “love’s not easy, but it’s worth it.”
And I want to say- I am really thankful for your openness and honesty. As a young, single woman, I’ve learned things about motherhood (something I’m very much looking forward to someday!) from you that I’ve never heard talked of anywhere else, and I’m not sure I ever would. So, thank you, Katie. Will and Number 2 are blessed to have a mom like you!
This is beautiful, Katie. So honest and stripped down and beautiful. My make-up is a mess. There are so many mothers out there who desperately need your words. So sweet.
You write so beautifully, Katie.
I love this! So very moving and I can only imagine you were crying when you wrote it because I got teary here at work. I guess I was one of the lucky ones who got hit by that wall of love immediately, but it’s actually good to hear it’s not this way for everyone. All good things come to those who wait 🙂
Me too, Katie.
And now I’ll never ever have enough days to just love them.
I’d also like to to give a shout out to the amazing creator who made such a precious love, such a gift and blessing. High-fives all around. Posts like this are just so encouraging.
What a beautifully written testimony of love. It brought a tear to my eye. Parenting is hard work, not always a piece of cake. Always remember, as Moms, we do the best we can. You are a good Mom. Keep it up…soon you will have two to love!! More work, but just as easy to love.
Have a great day with your little boy of love!!!
B.
wow! simply beautiful Katie …
My oldest had colic! It was a nightmare. I was a very young mom, still a senior in high school. That was so hard.
I love how babies/toddler talk. “hold you mommy”! My 2 year old says “my do it” and “what’s this” all the time now!
This post brought tears to my eyes! So sweet. Will is a cutie. Hope you are having a great vacation.
So beautiful. You have captured the love I have for my son perfectly too. Needless to say, there were (are) a few tears being shed after reading this. Will is so blessed to have you for his mommy.
I’m crying my eyes out. Thank you for this post and always having the courage to write from your heart. Being a mother is the most challenging and rewarding gift.
Awww… so sweet. Teary.
I’m not a mom (yet… hopefully one day soon), but I can relate to this because my marriage was like this… it took months (maybe even a year or two) to really know that I loved him in the “now that we’re married” way (as opposed to the “excited about getting married” way). Thanks for sharing.
You just made me cry all over my keyboard at work. My husband and I have been trying for a baby for a few months now with no success. I know it’s a stuggle you experienced too. Reading about the love you have for Will gives me hope in a funny way. Even though it’s not the love people expect to have, I’ve found that the love that’s fought for and hard won is often the sweetest. I hope to have the kind of unconditional love you have for Will when our time comes.
Exactly.
My third was a boy — a very high-maintenance, fussy, colicky boy. I knew those feelings would eventually come. After all, I had experienced them before…twice. So I went through the motions. For weeks and weeks I went through the motions knowing (hoping), waiting, and working for those feelings. I don’t know exactly when they came. Maybe it’s because they came on so slowly. Maybe they came with every diaper change, every searing pain I had when he nursed, every bounce on the exercise ball that got him closer to sleep. All I know is that they came. Stronger and more fierce than I anticipated. Definitely a “love worth waiting for.”
Thanks for the honest post. I know so many women will relate to this. And whether it’s love at first sight, or if you have to work and wait weeks or even months, you know how sweet the prize will be in the end. 🙂
Aw Katie. I gotcha girl. My second born came without that flood of love and amazement-more like “what were we thinking?” I remember staring at him, thinking-“I will love you. You are my child. It will happen” but crying because it didn’t just come naturally. Did that make me a bad mother? Did it mean that I favored my first born over this new little one? It was a strange and difficult feeling that I’m not sure many people understand-or maybe they just don’t talk about it. Good for you for your honesty.
My little guy is 6 now-the middle child of 3 boys. Love him to pieces. But sometimes its still work. Ironically he’s exactly like me, which makes it easy to spot his flaws. I want him to be better than I am, to be able to overcome these quirks that still weigh me down that I now see in him. I also see the best of myself in him and want to nurture that. You said it so well-he taught me how to choose love when it was hard. I will never stop loving him, and wanting to love him more.
By the way…never ever ever posted on a blog before…this one brought me out of the woodwork with tears in my eyes. 🙂
Beautiful post, Katie! I am not a mother but am curious… was there a specific moment or trigger that made you realize how deeply in love you were with your little guy?
i’m crying over your words expressed so eloquently of your love for Will…he’s one lucky little boy to have such loving parents.. I can’t wait to finally “meet” your new little man… best to you katie B.
xo
Patty
It’s post like these that make me fall in love with you, Miss Katie!! I felt the same way with my daughter. What an isolating time, right? You are a brilliant writer. Thank you for sharing this with us.
<3 <3 <3
So honest. So raw. True love is so imperfect. This post brought tears to my eyes. Thank you.
I had the same type of experience with my baby girl 14 months ago. She was also colicky, I was exhausted, and breastfeeding was intensely painful. The first time she smiled, I sighed with relief and thought, “Wow, maybe she really does like me!” Now, I feel like my heart could just burst with the love that God has given me for her. I went from praying for Him to help me love her to praying that I would not make an idol out of her. 🙂 Since then, I’ve tried to encourage a number of brand new moms who think that something is wrong with them when that affection isn’t there from the moment they are born. Thanks for being so honest about it on your blog- I think people need to know that it’s normal for love to grow gradually as we get to know our babies!
Thank you for sharing this with all of us. I needed to remember these toddler days. My boys are nearly 11 and 13 now. My teen drives me OUT OF MY MIND so often these days that I find myself counting the years until he’s 18 — but I need these reminders of how much I love him and appreciate the boy he was and the man he’s quickly becoming. Thank you, Katie.
I’ve never commented on your blog before but your post has compelled me to do so. This is EXACTLY the way I feel about my 7 month old daugher we named Katie. Eveyone said the day of her birth would be the best day of my life. After a rather long and painful delivery I had to disagree with that notion. Rather, my love for Katie seemed to come out of nowhere later on and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Motherhood was not instantaneous and our bond was not immediate. Yet she is my soul, my reason for being. I ache to be near her (I’m a working mom and there are some days when I can’t seem to make it home fast enough) and my reward at the end of a long day is her smile that melts my heart. I sometimes think that the pain and hard work of those initial months was the fee for the overwhelming joy she brings to my life.
Oh my gosh, I have tears in my eyes. Thank you for this heartfelt and candid post. I dealt with these feelings in the beginning. Feelings of inadequacy and just going through the motions. I don’t know when it him me, but one day it did and like you said, I was bathed in warmth and realized that God knew all along what he was doing and in the process teaching me a valuable lesson in patience and unconditional and unending love.
Your honesty is so refreshing, Katie. I think thus is my favorite post if yours, ever. I bonded right away with my son but there were times when I just kind of felt “meh”. Today, he’s almost 2. I love him in that painful, overwhelming way that a mom does. He ricks my world. Your post reminded me of the work a relationship really us. Thank you.
so well written. Great post!
This is so beautiful. It’s no coincidence that the first attribute of love as described in the Bible is patient. Love is patient, love is kind..,
Your sweet letter to your son is so unimaginably beautiful and moving. I am in tears. I know exactly what you mean when you say it took time but now that that love has taken hold of you, you are overcome by it and will never be the same. You describe in so many words the way I felt when I had my Sophia. I had a difficult emergency c-section with complications that made our initial bonding difficult. I cried and felt such sorrow when I looked at the ease with which she and her daddy bonded while I felt tired, sick, worried, scared and sometimes completely adrift. But when that love bloomed, it was and is unlike anything I have ever experienced in my life. It is so complete, unfaltering, never changing. I am so in love with my child, there are no words which can truly describe the depth of my feelings, but you have rendered this feeling so capable of explanation through your words. I know your sweet boy can feel it too. God bless your family. Or perhaps, more accurately, may He continue to bless your family as it is abundantly clear He has rained some blessings down already.
The only time I’ve ever commented on any blog was on your breastfeeding entry, which made me cry! So did this one! It is so nice to hear moms that have similar stories, not quite typical, but just as sweet to us!
Beautiful. Deep. Real. Honest. Oh so Honest. Thank you for sharing Katie.
WOW, Katie Bower!!!! That took some freakin’ guts to write! Very honest, very real and what an encouragement to mom’d who feel like there is something wrong with them because they didn’t immediately bond with their babies due to postpartum, etc. This post left me in tears!!!
Thank you for being so raw, honest, transparent, and open. SO MANY women feel this way, but are too ashamed or afraid to admit it. YOU are breaking the mold and being honest in confessing your love story with your son…and that makes you real and so much more honorable.
Thank you so much for sharing!
Thanks so much for your honesty, Katie. I’m not a mom yet, but I sure appreciate the heads-up. I can just see this happening to me, and thinking a was a total emotional screw-up, because you don’t generally hear stories like yours. But look at all the people that can relate to you! Clearly it’s not an uncommon thing. Awesome, sweet post.
The first thing I said to my son was, “who are you?”
How could I love someone I didn’t even know? I suppose some people do, but for me it took a month or so. I was a fierce mama bear, but the heart melting puddle of love I am now took awhile.
I’m pregnant now and I feel like since I already know the love of my first, this one might be easier.
Way to make a preggo cry at work.
Took me 3 weeks to feel that “love” with my oldest. It was immediate with my second. My oldest son is now 8, and he’s a carbon of Will in the sense of terrible BF, high anxiety, demanding, etc.
Just some thoughts – colic is generally caused by food intolerances (even though the ped will tell parents different..which still boggles most of us in the allergy community). My sons trigger was milk protein. Also, anxiety and such can be triggered by food. In my case, my son is gluten sensitive (not celiac). 2 years ago I switched to an exclusive gf diet and he’s a completely different kid. I spent 6 years ripping my hair out and his behavior was really all driven by gluten. I didn’t enjoy those 6 years, but I am sure enjoying him now.
Katie!! Stop making me cry at work! Very sweet post…you’re both so sweet.
YESSSSSSS!!!! I honestly thought I was the only one. I was surrounded by new mom facebook posts from other new mom’s professing all this love at first site blah blah blah stuff…I honestly thought I was the only one. I could not identify with any other new moms. Thank you thank you thank you for this post. I have a 2.5 year old son and you have literally taken all the words out of my head with this post. I no longer feel like a weirdo. LOL
This post brings tears to my eyes. I was the same way with my little girl. I had such a hard time thinking something must have been wrong with me. Now it’s so overwhelming and breath taking. I am amazed at how much love is out there if every mother feels his way. The lord has blessed me so much.
I love your posts. You are just so honest and true with everything you say. That brought tears to my eyes! I can’t imagine going through what you went through, as I was lucky and felt that instant connection and love beyond belief with my son the second he was born. You are an amazing mommy and Will is so lucky to have you! xo!
Katie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So now I sit here, tears stream down my face. Smiling through them with love for my son. But I get you. TOTALLY. AJ is now 6 months and I too am “soaked”. You made me cry today Miss Katie and I thank you for that. I love my little pudging love baby!
Thank you so much for writing this, Katie. I had the EXACT feelings about my 6 month old, Charlie, when he was born. My sister-in-law warned me that I might not love him right away. I was so worried that she would be right. After 41 hours of labor he was bron via c-section. And there is wasn’t. The instant, heart stopping love that you hear about so often. I felt alone. I wasn’t sure if it was because he was born via c-section and I didn’t get the build up of excitement from the “push, push, push” or if it was because he didn’t look *at all* like I had imagined. I thought he would’ve looked like me as a baby. A miniature sumo wrestler with thick brown hair and brown eyes. Instead he looked like Benjamin Button. And to top all of that off the breastfeeding was INSANELY painful. It wasn’t until he was about 4 weeks old that I had him laying on my chest and he popped his little head up to look at me and I instantly burst into tears. I don’t know what came over me but that moment felt like the begining. That was the moment that I didn’t get when he was born. Ever since that day it feels like my love for him has grown exponentially.
How lucky are we to get to love someone this much?
I pretty much just cried my eyes out reading this post. I am a first time stay at home mommy after years of infertility and loss. To hold my sweet son in my arms I feel the same way you do , like this is all I ever wanted and needed! Thanks for sharing.
What a beautiful heart you have! Thank you for being so raw and transparent. It is a gift.
So beautiful….. thank you for sharing.
Wondering if my previous comment was eaten by the internetz? Thanks for a beautiful and real post. I lovelovelove the soul behind it.
Katie,
This post made me immediately burst into tears (the overwhelmed-with-finally-having-my- own-experiences-validated-by-not-being-the-‘only one’-tears) after reading. Thank you for having the courage to be so honest an admit something that our society casts into a corner as unfamiliar and taboo.
I, too, struggled with lack of immediate overwhelming, consuming love for my baby. In fact, my son came a month early, so I was even unprepared for his arrival. Seeing his tiny little alien body (amidst a jumble of hoses and wires in the NICU, no less), made the entire experience feel unnatural and like I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Sure, I undoubtedly cared for this little creature with out having to put any effort into it. I am a female after all, the instinct to nurture and protect was definitely there. I wanted him to feel no pain, I wanted him to be warm and fed, I wanted his little self to grow. But it wasn’t until I was about four months in, sitting on a chair with a sliver of late afternoon sun shining onto the sleeping infant rising and falling with my breath, that I realized “caring” had transformed into a “over the fence, world series kinda love” (‘it takes two’ reference, anybody?)
Now, he is four. And never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that I could love another being in this world more. His mischievous smile, his long eyelashes, his perfect smooth skin, the freckle on the side of his foot, even the dirt under his fingernails and the early morning poking me in the back. Not only do I love his awesome personality, the person he is growing to be, but I love who I am now because of him, who he has transformed me into. I knew to expect love. From the beginning, I knew I would love him, eventually. But never did I realize how blessed we are, as mothers, to experience the love of a child. It really is humbling and life changing. THIS feeling of love is something you can’t be prepared for, but it sure is sweet. 🙂
Thanks for this post!
Thank you so much for sharing this, Katie. As you know I’m currently pregnant with my own baby boy and I have often felt fear that I will not have the instant bonding moment since I don’t feel as bonded during pregnancy as other mothers say they are/were. Your post has allowed me to look past that fear. I appreciate you and this post more than you know.
Dang it, why you gotta make the pregnant chick cry? This is beautiful and sums up exactly how I felt with my second son. It just doesn’t always magically happen the instant you give birth and that is the myth we are taught. So then, we feel like failures which makes the process even harder.
Thanks for this.
So beautiful! Will is so lucky to have such a wonderful mommy!
that was wonderful. i cried.
Thanks for sharing this letter – it’s so sweet and honest. I’m at the age too where many of my friends are starting to have babies, and I do think that many mothers must go through this. I hate to think of any of my friends feeling guilty or worried if they feel detached from their newborns, so thank you for sharing as it is truly natural. You are such a great role model for those of us that may eventually follow your footsteps to motherhood – with prayer and perseverance, it’s very possible to overcome the tough stuff to get to the good parts of raising a family when things aren’t always happening as expected. Thank you!
Such a great thing to share. Such a beautiful picture of love. Love really isn’t just a feeling. Sometimes it’s waiting and seeing things through. Thanks for sharing!
Beautiful post! I also have a two year old son and never get tired of hearing ” Hold you mommy!”
What a beautifully and honestly written letter – thank you for sharing. Reading it gave me comfort as I prepare for the birth of my own little boy. Thank you.
Thank you for that..I needed to hear those last words about letting go and letting be. I love that love letter to your son. What a precious gift for him. All my best, Sara
Very nice post, Katie!! I think many moms feel this way and it’s uncomfortable (but necessary) to talk about it. For me, it happened with my second son. I don’t know why, b/c our first boy was an unplanned pregnancy but I fell in love with him before he was even born, even though I didn’t really “want” him. (That sounds wrong… I did want him, just not right then, I guess) But our second was planned, and so.very.wanted but… it took time after he arrived to feel what I felt for my first. I was truly scared that I’d never feel for him what I felt for his brother… it was terrifying. He had reflux, and was, I don’t know, just an unpleasant baby, it’s hard to bond with someone who screams all the time, I don’t think he liked me (or anyone/anything) much either. 🙂 We struggled with nursing, with sleep, with bonding… we struggled with everything! And the whole time, I looked at my first and thought “this just isn’t right, I’m a horrible person and an even worse mother”.
Then, BAM! What they say is true… your heart expands and I LOVE THAT BOY. He’s my buddy, my side-kick, my little man. And the completeness he brought to our family is indescribable! He made us what we are, a little family of four, the happiest family on the block! I couldn’t imagine life without him, I couldn’t imagine not having the love we share. We’ve made up for those few lost months many times over, as I’m sure you have with Will!
Hi Katie – I am a first time commenter on your blog – been a long time follower but I’m usually too shy to comment. But this post? Holy canoli – serious stuff. And so true. I’m 53 years old and have a wonderful 24 year old son named Jonathan. He is my pride and joy – and sadly he is now my angel. I lost him in March when his apartment caught fire. To say I am devastated is putting it mildly. I had fertility issues and was blessed with his arrival in April 1987. God put me on this earth to be his mom – no doubt about that. I was still Diane – but I relished in being called “Jonathan’s mom”. I know God has a bigger plan for him – he already accomplished so much in his short 24 years on this earth. I recently wrote a letter like this to him in my journal – that’s why I had to comment. For me it is too late. But I applaud you for writing letters like this – Will will love reading them when he gets older.
Sorry to be such a downer – I meant this comment to be a positive one. Being a mother is a privledge and an honor – it’s the hardest job in the world with the best benefits imagineable.
Jonathan – wherever you are, I hope you know how much your mom and dad miss and love you!!!
Thanks for sharing this with us 🙂
~dt~
Sobbing at my desk as you declare love for your son. You have such a beautiful way of putting into words what is in so many new mommies hearts. Thank You!
Your story reminds me of what Dana went through with her new daughter Mabrey. It was a milk allergy that made her daughter cry so much and feel bad all the time. Not the same thing you went through, but maybe worth a read (if you haven’t already).
thank you for sharing this, Katie. I’m pregnant with my first baby (due right around the same time you are) and I have had these feelings of inadequacy because I don’t feel all that attached to the child yet. And I’m worried that I won’t feel attached to it right away, either. So it’s nice to know I’m not alone. Thank you.
I’m glad you wrote this. First time moms need to know this! It took time with my first one, too. Everyone tells you it’s this immediate flood of emotion, but it wasn’t for me. It took a couple of weeks. I felt like I needed to get to know this little person, first. You might have to hang out awhile first. Or, maybe even tough it out awhile.
However, with my subsequent children, it was before they even came out. 🙂
Way to make a girl cry at work. *sniffle* 😉
What beautiful sentiments. I can identify–at least a little bit. No kids of my own but my nieces and nephew are my heart. My first niece I loved instantly, though it took us a good ten years or so to truly bond. Now that she’s 12, she’s one of my best and favorite friends. The middle one I loved her instantly and bonded with her just as quickly. The youngest, though–a boy–it took me a while to really get him in my heart. He was cute and all but…I didn’t really feel it. Now? At nearly three, that boy totally owns me and he knows it. LOL
Katie, that was beautiful. So true and perfectly put. Made me want to run upstairs and wake my sleeping 2 year old boy and give him a huge hug. It is the hardest, most trying thing and lso pretty amazing to be a mom.
I love how honest you are….I wish more people could be like you. It’s so refreshing.
I dno’t have kids yet, but I feel like you have prepared me for things that you never hear. And for that I am truly grateful.
Keep up the good work.
Absolutely heart wrenching and perfect Katie. As if a mother’s deep and enduring love could ever be described, I feel like you’ve come very close to articulating for those of us who don’t yet have children, what we might one day feel. And wow, I just can’t wait for the day where I feel this way towards my husband and my children. thank you for sharing. what a precious insight into your heart.
Gah, I am weepy at work reading this. Katie, you have such a knack for putting into words the raw emotions that you and others feel. Like you, I waited for that love to come. Like many other women too. Thanks for being so honest and sharing your story with us.
Your comment
” I ache to be near her (I’m a working mom and there are some days when I can’t seem to make it home fast enough) and my reward at the end of a long day is her smile that melts my heart.”
really speaks to me. I too feel this way 🙂
Thank you for your beautiful honesty. I felt the same way with my first son. I am glad you found it 🙂
Katie, you are just the sweetest bacon lovin’ thing ever. Seriously, I felt like I was reading my own thoughts. Our son was 18 months old when our daughter was born. For months I grieved, I feared not only the unknown, but the feeling that I was ruining life for my son. He was just a baby – how could I be so careless to concieve so quickly, and lose the quality time with him while he was so small?! I did NOT feel that “heart swelling out of your chest” love I did with my first. She was fussy, needy, and always screaming. I resented her for a while (that’s such an awful thing, but it’s the truth). Now at 3.5 years old, she’s still all those things (fussy, needy and ALWAYS screaming) – but I wouldn’t change one THING. When the love I now have for her hit me, it was like a ton of bricks.. You sharing your feelings made me feel the need to share mine. Thank you for being so open. This is why I come back day after day! xo
You took the words right out of my mouth. I have a 2 month old baby boy… and I’m on this road. Thanks for being real with all your internet “friends”. We appreciate you!
I love your letters, I get so excited when you post a new one. Then I read them to everyone I know. 🙂
It’s nice to hear this kind of honesty. I absolutely love my 5 year old daughter- but, honestly, it took awhile. I had the blessing of being able to have her in my 4K classroom this year, and it was so wonderful to have her. The first few months were just awful, but now I look back and see how much closer it brought us. God definetly knew what he was doing! She’s just beautiful!
Holy bacon! You have me in tears over here Ms. Katie. Very beautifully written.
I’ve never commented on your blog before, but being pregnant with my first child, this brought tears to my eyes. This whole process is overwhelming and scary, and it is so comforting to hear your story. I know this road ahead will not be easy, and it’s honest opinions like yours that make it much easier to handle. Thank you.
Ladies, the “You’re Gonna Needs Tissues” warning at the beginning is there. It says “Dear Will,”.
Katie, ditto ditto ditto everything everyone has said. Crying here at my desk and just love you. Oh and that octopus shirt picture is one of my favorites now. Such a little cutie!
Perfect.
Wow! I felt the exact same way with my daughter and never told anyone because I thought I was a freak! The nurses were all like when she comes out you are going to be so in love. They handed me this baby that looked nothing like me (but was still gorgeous) and I was like “Ok I have a baby, I am exhausted!” The nurses thought I was so weird because I asked them to take her to the nursery after a few hours so I could sleep. She was 3 months old when it hit me, and I cried for a good hour straight with how much I loved her. It happened when I was changing her and she looked up and me and giggled. Then when I had my son and felt it, I felt so guilty. I was in a totally different situation with my husband when my son was born and felt totally bonded from him (hubby and I were on the brink of Divorce, still together though! 🙂 ) I am so blessed to have both of them. I love them more than anything! Thanks for sharing!
This brought tears to my eyes! I had the same feelings with my little boy too…Glad you shared this, I still have my moments of selfishness (does just needing to go to the grocery store alone count?!) but I honestly love my life and so thankful for my son. I pray that every thing goes well with your preparation for your new little boy and trust that God will continue to bless you and your beautiful family!!
Your honesty is such an amazing thing. Just like your ever growing love for Will.
Thank you for posting this–the timing is so opportune for me.
I so very much felt the same way when my son was born. There was no moment of “Oh my God, I love you, my perfect little baby” when I held him for the first time. We had the worst few months learning to breastfeed. I felt like a terrible mother for the longest time because it was all I could do to hold on to sanity while trying to comfort him for hours in the middle of the night. There was a lot of crying on both our parts. But slowly we started to bond. Now I miss him when I have to leave for my job and he greets me with a big smile when I show up at the end of the work day.
Tomorrow he turns one. I can’t get enough of his smile, hugs and kisses. I love when he tries to run across the room to me (we’re still a bit wobbly) and how he lifts his arms for a hug. I love the way he rubs his little belly to let me know he’s hungry and how he lifts his hands and shrugs his shoulders to let me know when he’s full. I love all his little personality quirks and I can’t wait to learn more about him as he grows.
Thank you for posting how fortunate you are because it reminds me to thankful for how much God has given me.
I hope for his sake you delete this post before he is ever old enough to read and understand it. Trust m e on this
This.is.awesome :o) It took me months and months to feel this love for my son too. It wasn’t instant and I wasn’t head over heels. It took a long time to get there and I felt like there was so much wrong with me (weren’t moms supposed to instantly love their babies?) But now that we’re there (and he’s 2)…I am over the moon and back for him 🙂
I loved reading this post, it really hit close to home. My little guy is 22 months now and I felt and feel the same way. Love sometimes takes time (it did), but now it’s overflowing.
Wow, beautifully written!! What a special bond you have with your little boy!! He is SO cute;)
Oh Diane I am so sorry. My heart aches for you as you miss him.
xo – kb
LOVE this post. I was told all the same things when pregnant with my son and then after 19 long hours of labor, I remember feeling like I had been hit by a bus, worn out, and holding him wondering when the wave of love was gonna come. I loved him, but it wasn’t this huge rush of emotions. It took a little while, but just like you said, it came and now I’m totally wrapped around his little finger and completely engulfed by love for him. Thanks for your honesty! Love your blog!
Not that I remember…I do remember that when we brought him home, I wanted to keep him…I wanted him to never get bigger…and I didn’t want him to be taken away or leave me….I wanted to spend all my time with him close…but love was not a word I would have used. I was devoted to him. But about two and half, three months later the feelings that I call love slowly crept in…maybe it’s just me, but I truly believe that God used that emotional experience to show me how an adoption situation would be similar. Does that make any sense?
xo – kb
With this comment, you singl- handedly just demoralized every woman who bravely spoke up and confessed similar feelings. Does that make you feel better about yourself? Reactions like this are the reason so many of us who struggle in those early days keep silent (and therefore struggle longer and harder) and to ourselves.
There’s hope in knowing you’re not alone. There’s encouragement and freedom in knowing that there are other people who understand you. Would you rather that poor new moms everywhere struggle and suffer alone? I’m fairly certain that kind of darkness, loneliness, and deep rooted sadness is the cause for so many, many tragic incidents that befall babies and toddlers. Alone is not good.
If you spend any time reading this blog at all, you’ll know that Katie and Jeremy are open and honest parents and that they spend their lives loving Will. Loving him with their parenting and loving him to Jesus. If and when Will ever reads this, what he’ll gather is that Katie struggled but did NOT give up on loving him. Did not succumb to her fears and insecurities. Did NOT cease to fight for their relationship. And when he’s a parent one day, he’ll know first hand how hard those early days can be and love her all the more for having a testament to her dedication to him.
Yeah – we actually did that too..I cut out everything at one point…our doc was very helpful in trying to find out what was our trigger…and eventually Will just outgrew it…exactly when the ‘normal’ cholic ends.
xo – kb
After years of praying, talking, and praying some more my husband and I made the decision this morning to start the process of adopting. I worry that I will have a hard time bonding with a child I did not carry. I know that it will come eventually, and I know that this is what I am being called to do, but there is still a little worry about how things will go in the beginning. Thank you for sharing your story with us. Your honesty is refreshing and encouraging.
Oh Misty – you know I didn’t say this in the post but I honestly felt like the entire experience proved to me that loving a child doesn’t necessarily come from birthing a child or carrying a child or even because they share your genes…it comes from God…He provides it to you when the time is right. and I will definitely pray for you as you go through your parenthood journey…
xo – kb
@ Diane Taylor – so sorry for your loss. I am in tears reading your comment.
Thank you. I needed that! Truly!
Can you also tell me where you got that awesome polka dot pillow? Is that the same from your first house?
Perhaps when he is old enough to read this, he will be a young man who values honesty and the depth of the love his mother has for him.
This a common feeling and is often related to postpartum depression (about 50% of women experience some kind of depression after childbirth). If it lasts longer than a couple weeks you should talk to your doctor. They will not think you are a bad mom, they will give helpful advice and if necessary advise treatment so you can enjoy your baby and your new life!
Thanks for sharing Katie.
I never knew that anyone else felt the same way that I did. How I felt that I was “ruining my son’s life” by having a second child, not loving him as much as my first. The months after their births felt like torture. I am so relieved to see that there are others, and that we can shed light on this for new moms. Thank you all for being so honest
That is a beautiful interpretation! I so appreciate your transparency Katie.
I love this post. God bless you. If only my husband and I’s naive 19 year old selves could have read this and felt encouraged! We love him so much now that sometimes we actually think we will eat him. Having just had our second son in May it’s left us with wondering if he’s just easier than our high-maintenance first or if we just know what we’re doing this time. Either way I know my love for my husband is exponentially more as well as my awe of our Father in heaven because geez, if we struggle through loving in this situation how does He love us through all of our sins over and over again?
Just started reading your blog recently, love it! Congrats on your second son! (Boys are the best… coming from a girly-mom)
Thank you hosanna. And Katie for writing this.
Okay Miss Bower. I’m sitting here with tears running down my cheeks… So many of your words touched me at my core. Thank you. My husband and I have been trying to start a family for a few years and this was a perfect reminder that sometimes you just have to wait, and it will be worth it. Thank you.
Katie, this is such an amazing post. Can’t wait to experience motherhood one day. I hope one day when Will is old enough he will find this post that you wrote to him. You guys are incredible parents! Will is very lucky to have you both 🙂
Honestly Katie…I just love you so much. That sounds so weird, but I feel like we are just so so alike in how we think. I am quite a bit younger, but this is just as relevent to non-parents as well. We all need that reminder to always give everything up to God, and know that his plan is greater than anything we could ever imagine, and that includes countless personal trials that God knows we need to go through. Such an amazing plan he has, it boggles my mind! So thank you so much for being so honest, it really helps me : )
I am so sorry for your loss! I am sobbing as I read your comment after reading Katie’s letter. Diane, I have an only child and that is my greatest fear. I can’t imagine your loss. That was such a beautiful thing to share! I’m so thankful I didn’t have this experience when my daughter was born but know people who have had the same feelings. Praying for you both.
Yup. It’s actually an old find from Pottery Barn outlet (I believe it was a Pottery Barn teen item).
xo – kb
Katie: You left me breathless, and teary…
Misty, it is no different — the loving of a child born in your heart instead of under it. I’ve known this love, and been on the receiving end of it too, for twenty years now… God speed and blessings on your adoption plan!
Katie, I know I probably don’t have to tell you this, but listen to Hosanna, Joell and Amber.
Fran’s shortsightedness has no place here, or anywhere.
Much love to you.
Katie, thank you. After struggling with infertility and finally being blessed with our sweet baby boy, I didn’t feel that instant love. I mean, I knew I loved him…but it wasn’t the deep-in-my-heart-can’t-explain-it-love that I expected to feel. Breastfeeding issues consumed my thoughts (probably because that’s all you do with a newborn!) and baby blues had me crying at the drop of a hat, and I was just going through the motions. Then, like you said, one day, I was head over heels for my little guy and that love is the best thing I’ve ever experienced. Thanks for once again reminding me that I’m human, normal, and not alone.
Beautiful!
So well written and well said – I could never do that.
I have two little guys – and the only way I can ever think to sum up the way I feel about them is this: Remember when you were about 8 years old and Christmas morning was the best moment ever? That moment when you first saw the gifts under the tree? Being so excited you can’t stand it? That is how I feel every morning when I get to go in and get my little guys out of bed. It is the best feeling ever – and now I get it everyday 🙂
So incredibly beautiful. Like everyone has said, this brought tears to my eyes.
Katie, my first (now 26 months) is much like Will. I now call him spirited but as an infant he was just colicky, never slept longer than a two hour stretch until 9 months old, struggled with breastfeeding. I didn’t bond with him until he was 6 months old when one day the wave of love just washed over me. I was so severely sleep deprived I was nearly driven to the brink of insanity, and I think that greatly contributed to my not bonding with him quickly.
I just had my second son (now 5 months) and I bonded almost instantly with him because he’s a great sleeper and chilled out, so I’m functioning on an almost full night’s sleep every night, I’m less stressed, much happier and able to handle the challenges of a baby. He slept a 6 hour stretch in hospital on his first night, and his brother didn’t do that until he was over a year old. I tortured myself reading sleep book after sleep book with my first, if only I had known it wasn’t anything I did wrong, just merely the temperament of the child. With this baby I prepared for the worst, hoped for the best and this second time around has been a breeze. Hope it goes just as well for you!
I love so much that you were honest about this. It took me months too… partially because breastfeeding was torture and partially because I’m not an affectionate person. It started to hit me when she smiled.
” Like an ocean of warm maple syrup.” Perfect words. What a beautiful story..and that photo of him on the bed asleep? Priceless.
Thanks for this comment. I am scheduled for a c-section (breech baby) in 2 weeks and I’ve been wondering if it will be more difficult to bond than if it were a natural birth. It doesn’t seem like it will be my baby if I don’t have to work for it. At least I am prepared now if there is no instant gush of love.
This post brought tears to my eyes. I’m a foster mom, on my way to adoption. My son was placed with me when he was 3 months old, and I love him with a love I never knew existed. My daughter is 2 1/2, and she’s growing on me. I long to love her with the strong mother’s love I have for my son, but it hasn’t happened yet. Of course, unlike having a child naturally and growing with them, our situation entails all sorts of other factors and trials, like being thrown into 2 year old tantrums without first experiencing and building on the unique love and tenderness that is shared between a mom and a helpless babe. All of this to say that there are days when I question if I will ever love her with the same love I have for my son, and it scares me. It’s so encouraging to hear that even as a mom who has birthed a child and held that perfect sleeping bundle, the love wasn’t immediate. It gives me hope that if love could grow in your heart, then love will continue to grow in mine…it might just take a little more time. I pray every day that God will place in my heart the love He has for her. I believe He will, I just need to learn to wait on Him.
So well said, Katie. I didn’t immediately bond with my daughter right after she was born (I think in part this may have been due to her tramatic birth, etc). I don’t know when it happened, but I did bond with her and now I am pregnant with #2. I realize that the experience with the new baby might be the same as with my daughter, and pray that my “expectations” of bonding are a little more real this time. Love your blog and your honesty.
I tell you this to say…sometimes life isn’t what you expect. sometimes you get what you want. or what you think you want. and sometimes you have to wait. and bend. and hold fast. sometimes the absolute best thing ever doesn’t follow your plan. and sometimes you just have to let go.
THIS–what I needed to hear. Love you, KB.
Your cup is running over! I love it! And although none of us “know” you, I think it’s obvious just how easy you are to love. Your boy is precious– keep soaking it up! Thanks for posting!
Katie I absolutely adore your honesty and courage to say things many feel but never say. My biggest dream in life was to be a mother. The mother of a little girl, actually. And 4 years ago I got it! I had my precious little girl. And as you I thought I would fall completely in love with her the second I held her. And just like you it didn’t happen as fast as I thought. I don’t think it took months for me, but it did take a couple weeks for me to feel at ease and relaxed enough to realize the amazing love I felt for her… And I think the love was always there, but I think I was just too overwhelmed to let myself feel it. I felt terrible about it at first but today I understand my own feelings and the incredible love I feel for my princess now is just so “out of this world” that it makes me not blame myself for those initial feelings anymore. I love her more than I can even understand now, more than I ever thought possible for a human being to feel. I´m so in love with her I don´t know what to do with myself a lot of times… I still look at her every single day and have tears in my eyes. I can´t believe God gave her to ME! Can´t believe how amazing she is. Can´t believe how much love I can feel for that little thing. So I completely understand you, Katie. And I actually think it happens to other moms way more then they admit. 😉
Thank you for taking the time to craft such a wonderful response to such a thoughtless comment. well said!
“I tell you this to say…sometimes life isn’t what you expect. sometimes you get what you want. or what you think you want. and sometimes you have to wait. and bend. and hold fast. sometimes the absolute best thing ever doesn’t follow your plan. and sometimes you just have to let go.”
I have been praying for some sign to help me with struggles deep in my heart. These words are exactly what I needed. Thank you for helping me in ways you will never understand. Your courage and insight has greatly affected me. Thank you.
I have not ever commented before but I too, love your blog. and I also didn’t read all the comments before me, so someone may have already said this, but…
Staying the course, being faithful to your child, choosing to love… that is the definition of motherly love. There is no shame in your journey to love, just as there is no shame in a moment of flooding love in the delivery room.
Most importantly you allowed God to grow you through your experience and you are not the same as you were before. What an example for both Will and the little baby! And now you get to share that experience and encourage other mothers. Blessings to you!
and on a side-note, my son Tobias (Toby) was also born in April 2010. I did not have the same journey, I was one of those moms who was head over heels from those first moments. I believe it was divinely designed because my husband was deployed to Afghanistan before his birth and I don’t know how we would have survived otherwise.
Just beautiful, Katie. Will will treasure this letter when he’s older. I wonder if the instantaneous love is a myth, since it seems like it didn’t happen for so many of us (me included!)
You freaking brought tears to my eyes & I just woke up a few minutes ago & am drinking my coffee. Ahhh…. what a lovely post to start my day. Thank you.
Yes, love is love is love.
This was really interesting to read. As half of a gay couple, we wanted desperately to have a child and, when that finally happened, I think that we had the undying love from even before he was born. So, I guess I’ve always just assumed that that’s how it worked. I find it fascinating to learn about all of these differences we share as parents.
Beautiful. You’re making this mom of 1 little boy with baby 2 on the way tear up big time. How wonderful that Will will have this to read and look back on. What an amazing gift.
You bring tears to my eyes!!! I feel just same the way! You are doing a tremendous job and your BOYS are lucky to have you! Big hugs!!!!!!
**Thanks for saying just what I was thinking but couldn’t put into words!
Misty,
I had the same fears before my husband and I adopted our baby in January. However, the minute his foster parents laid him in my arms I knew God made him for me and my husband and no one else. it is a level of love I cannot explain. I even forget that he is adopted from time to time eventhough he is of a different race then us. He is precious. I know not everyone’s experience is the same. However, if you go in with an open heart God will find the perfect child for you. I will pray for you tonight. Good luck to you and your husband on your new journey.
Misty,
I promise you will be blessed. I am the mom of two beautiful little girls. Two little girls that were saved from abortion – their birth moms were in crisis pregnancy. We struggled with fertility. I know the pain. But I PROMISE that you will never be the same after you have a child. I too wondered what you are wondering. And good for you for voicing your thoughts, concerns and fears. It is ok. It is natural. It is healthy. I felt like I was babysitting for the first month or so with our first child. Now, I can’t believe I ever lived without her. My second, well, I share with Katie’s feelings on taking a long time to feel the love. My second was allergic to milk (hello, most formula is milked based) which we didn’t know for 2 months. She was also colicky. Colicky = hell. Plain and simple. Know one can truly understand it until you experience it. BUT with all that pain, my second now is so interwoven in my heart strings that I don’t know what I would do without her. Adoption is amazing. It is hard. It is expensive. It is beautiful. Jesus is adopted – Joseph is his adopted daddy. So that makes it totally cool. 🙂 If you want any down to earth, straight forward, no holding back type of advice. I am glad to share it with you. Just reply to this thread and I will send my email address to you.
Hugs and Wahoooo!! you are starting an unbelievable journey!!
Heather C.
Portland, OR
love your honestly Katie!! I had a similar experience with my precious little girl, and I felt like I was “abnormal” so to speak!! She had the colic and I was a new stay-at-home-mom – I often tell people we both had the colic at that time 🙂 The love I feel for her is amazing… I think we love them SO so much, even at birth, it just takes us awhile to see just how much. I am so glad that you share so honestly, it makes us feel more human!
I have heard you reference before the detachment from Will, and I just shrugged it off, assuming I must’ve misinterpreted what you meant. But this was compelling. I personally cannot conceive of what happened to you, I nearly lost my son at 26 weeks and I was in love with him then, but regardless, I hurt for you. I feel so horrible for how you must’ve felt.
This moved me so, I cried, I was grateful for own experience, I prayed about yours, but mostly, the comments (beside the very few meanies) really touched me. These women are amazing, so supportive, and you really made them feel like they’re okay, they’re normal…and most importantly, they’re not alone. Perhaps if more women were honest, and supportive of one another, fewer women would feel isolated and become depressed and despondent. I just thought it was beautiful, I think you’re beautiful, and I know I rarely comment, but I am proud of you, Katie. I don’t imagine this was easy, but I hope it felt good getting it out.
xo, Chrissa
I love these sweet posts! You may be the only truly honest person I know. LOL and I only “internet-know” you!!
BTW. As a photog……that pic of Will in the living room has the world’s best lighting. Any mother would kill to have such a sweet photo of their child!
YOU.ARE.AWESOME. This is an incredible post. Thanks for sharing this and being so honest. Being pregnant, giving birth and bonding with a screaming newborn is HARD. If more people told it like this and painted the picture that sometimes it isn’t perfect maybe you wouldn’t feel so bad when you have these thoughts. The first year with my 3rd was so rough, but now I don’t understand why because I cannot imagine our lives without him. He brings such joy and truly completed our family. Thanks again Katie Bower for your honesty!
“Perhaps if more women were honest, and supportive of one another, fewer women would feel isolated and become depressed and despondent.”
^this. I also think that perhaps we as women need to let the new mother speak her own story before sharing ours. So many moms (starting with the nurses in the hospital) would start with, “Don’t you just love her so much?” or “I bet you just can’t believe you ever had a life without her!” or “Oh! She’s so sweet! I bet you just fell in love with her instantly!” My good friend had a baby just two weeks before and kept saying, “Isn’t this great? I can’t wait to have another one!”
I definitely suffered from postpartum depression, for months. But I wonder how much worse it was made by hearing, over and over, that I ought to be feeling things I wasn’t. Every time I heard those words, I felt like a horrible mother all over again, and I wondered why God had sent this obviously-adorable child to someone so incapable of being the mother she deserved.
I respect this post. The bravery that comes with completely exposing yourself and your relationship with your son. Thanks for sharing! ox
That was my story, too. Ben was a colicky baby, I was so injured from birth that it took me two months to recover, breast feeding was a nightmare, and then ya know… A bladder infection and at THAT point who wouldn’t have some PPD? Hehehe. The physical labor was intense and I didn’t have enough good hormones to get through it. But we did! And within about 6 weeks the love started going strong and each day it gets stronger as I get to know him. I’m so fortunate that I heard stories like these before he came and I knew that sometimes this is how it goes. You’re doing that for someone now- maybe even grown-up Will or his wife- by sharing your story. #2 (a baby girl) is due in a month and I’m hoping it will go easier this time, but if it doesn’t, that’s okay too. Loving you and your bloggy sweetness. Thanks for doing what you do the way you do what you do. 😉
Hi Katie!
I kind of have a serious question, maybe better fit for an email. But, here goes…how did you come to love God so much? I crave this. I really didn’t take it seriously and would goof off in church when I was younger. I thought I believed in something else. I never took God or Jesus seriously. And now I totally regret this! My fiance used to be a big believer as well but has fallen off the track and no longer interested in going to Church. We just had a son almost 2 years ago and I want him to grow up in this environment. I want to believe again. I get emotional over it when I feel the need to pray, but then feel like God won’t listen to me because I haven’t believed in so long ;-( Any encouraging words?
Thank you and I hope to hear from you,
Melissa
Katie,
I felt the same way when my daughter was born. Thank you for your honesty. Many of us have been keeping those feelings a secret for fear we are terrible moms. My daughter’s 3 now, but– in all honesty– your post just helped lift a little bit of that guilty feeling (“I’m not alone?!”). Again, thank you.
First off let me thank you for your beautiful post. I did not go through this type of experience myself, but my beautiful loving daughter-in-law did. She bonded very easily with her first baby, a little girl. Later the little girl was diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum while DIL was pregnant with her second baby. The doctors told her that if her baby was a boy, he may be more profoundly autistic. You guessed it- it was a boy! I think she was almost afraid to love him, and she went through many sad months. I appreciate your honesty, not to mention your skill in writing. Thanks so much! (By the way, he has LESS learning problems than his sister on some ways, and overall they are BOTH doing very well!)
Thank you for writing this, it so perfectly expressed my experience with my own son. He turned one a month ago, and for the first months of his life I felt exactly as you did — immediately sad and ashamed that I didn’t have that instant flash of love the first time I saw him, and months worried and depressed that it would never come. After weeks and weeks of sadness (and a diagnosis of post partum depression), the love finally came! I love my little boy with every thought in my mind and every cell of my body, I love him so much sometimes it feels like my heart is going to explode with emotion!
Thank you so much for writing this, I’m sure it will speak to other moms (and moms to be) just like it did to me!
I am going through exactly the same thing now. But this is my second child so my anticipation and expectations were so much different. He is 8 months old now and it has been an extremely long road. Screams and crys i never knew babies could produce. Makes it so difficult to bond with your baby and carry on with your toddler. Such a great post and beautiful words. I hope to get to where you have gotten. I will remember your words and wait.
Misty – My sister adopted a son (1 1/2)from South Korea 4 months ago. They had been trying for years and she had a miscarriage about 3 years ago. She felt very similar to what Katie wrote about Will. I think she felt quilty for not bonding with him immediately. Everything about him was foreign…from his poops, to his crying and what he needed and when he needed it. She was clueless and he was probably missing his foster mom in Korea. I think my sister and her husband were forcing themselves to try and bond with him and in the beginning I think they might have even regretted their decision. She couldn’t wait to get back to work. It has been 4 months and within the last month, things have really turned around. She stopped trying to force herself to feel a certain way and just enjoy this little boy. The love would eventually come…and it did. She is now a full time stay at home mom. 🙂 Good luck!
My husband and I have a 10 month old baby girl. The best advice we got when we were pregnant was from one of my husband’s friends. He said, “don’t feel bad if you don’t love it right away”. That helped many times in the first couple of months.
Like many here, this brought tears to my eyes. I have a 4 month old little girl whom I love, love, love, but the first couple of months were hard. Giving up my own time and sleep was a big adjustment, as was learning to live for someone else instead of for myself. Then those first sweet smiles came and I fell head over heels for my baby. I don’t know how I lived without her!
stop making me cryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy sob sob
Katie-
Your honesty is so real & refreshing! It’s like a breath of fresh air everytime I read your blog. Not many people in life can be so honest and real. I love that you are! Thank you for sharing such inner personal thoughts and not caring how they are received. You challenge and encourage others to be honest too. Thank you for always showing that life isn’t just one way for everyone; rather there are many different paths and more importantly- it isn’t right vs. wrong or one better than the other…it is just a different path.
You know Melissa…this is kinda hard and also incredibly easy to answer. I studied a lot of different religions and worldviews…I know apologetics and how to rationally defend what I believe personally…but what I can’t explain is why we as humans could feel things like pain, shame, passion or joy so easily and deeply but we won’t allow ourselves to really experience God’s love. I think if we really immerse ourselves in how GOOD our Creator is, it would be very natural to go to Him. He just wants you to want Him back. I know God loves you. I know it like I know the sun will rise and my heart will beat. If you loved someone enough to give your child for them…someone that you knew every single thing about…good and bad…someone that you blessed with breath in their lungs, a family to love, an amazing and beautiful world to enjoy…I think He would absolutely love to hear you open your heart to Him. And if that is too hard…if something like shame or regret or pain keeps you from talking to Him…then some healing can come from hearing from Him through reading His truth. Hope this encourages you just a little!
xo – kb
I love this post. I love how it connects you to your readers and how many people feel the same way. I felt connected to my daughter but not THAT connected, similar to how you felt. I loved everything about her and although she was a complete surprise that we weren’t even thinking about, we knew we loved her from the beginning of that first ultrasound to her emergency c-section at 3 am and ever since. She’s changed our lives in more ways than I can count. She truly is a blessing and has helped our family get through some of the worst times in our lives (the loss of my brother, the sudden death of my uncle, the passing of many other relatives, not to mention other less serious issues).
Keep this all in mind when your #2 comes around too! It may be different, but it may be the same. And this time you get to see the love of a newborn through a toddler’s eyes.
Thanks for being so honest, Katie. I’ve been reading a lot of your wanting to get pregnant posts lately. For those of us still trying – your little bun in the oven is such great hope! I can’t wait to see your family grow!
Diane,
I cannot even imagine the pain that you feel everyday, but I thank God that you know that you will see him again. He is partying with Jesus right now – we should all be so lucky! Still my heart aches for you. Sending prayers your way.
I’ve never commented before, but you just hit the mother in me so strongly I thought I’d say hello. 🙂 I have 3 year old and 1 year old boys, and while I didn’t specifically identify with the waiting-to-love part of this post… the second half… after the love came… I could have written it myself. These sweet sweet boys. How they steal our hearts! Such perfectly designed gifts from God. I already ache thinking of the day they won’t be my little boys anymore, so freely giving of those slobbery kisses and requests to be held and helped. I never could have dreamed of this amount of love and joy.
Watching Will become a brother will melt you in all new ways! Congratulations. 🙂
Thank you Katie for always being so honest!! I do not currently have children, but your message here about “loving even when it’s hard” speaks to me on other levels. Your blog is truly a gift. I admire your honesty and courage! Thanks!
Katie thank you so much for sharing this. This stuff is hard to talk about, and when I do talk about it, sometimes I just get stares…wonder what they say behind my back but don’t care cause my little girl will be three on Wednesday, and although our beginning was rough, like yours was with Will, we have more than made up for it 🙂 We’re best buddies and she makes me better, and lovlier, and gentler. I think our rough start has helped me handle my six month old baby boy better. She is the best big sister, and those first 6 months that were so rough, I remember them, but I file them under “that’s life” and I move on, remembering the best is yet to come.
Hi,
I don’t know you, but as fellow mama who went through the same thing Katie described, we are not alone. My little girl will be three this Wednesday and what a joy she is, and what a joy she brings. I have learned to let go of any guilt or regrets, because her and I made it together, and the best is yet to come.
Thank you for writing this.
This was so lovely. Thank you for sharing, and for your honesty.
OMG, can I tell you that I am sitting in my office with tears streaming down my face. I am the proud mommy of a 14 month old little girl. This is EXACTLY how I felt in the beginning. I didn’t cry when she was born, and I didn’t feel what everyone kept telling me I would feel. But at around 6/7 months I fell madly in love with this little lady. I felt so bad for so long because I felt like she deserved so much more in a mommy, but as you said, everything comes in time. So thankful to you for posting this sweet, sweet letter. It really has blessed my heart.
Warmly,
Brandi White
Hey Katie, what an honest and heartfelt post. Your sincerity, your faith, and the love for your little boy shine through. I’m not a mom (yet?), or even a wife — ha, or even a girlfriend right now — but I think there are messages for me in what you write, even though I know you aren’t writing for me or to me. But, I think that’s part of The Plan, you know? That we as people make connections to others and His word is shared through us to others. I know you don’t plan on writing this blog forever, and I’m sure with your new baby on the way there will be more changes to come, but I wanted to let you know how much I appreciate what you say and that you say it.
Jennifer! My mom says I used to say that, too! (I’m now 30 . . . haha my family clearly loved it, too, since it still comes up in conversation!)
When my first daughter was born I was so flooded with love for her. I fought so hard for her and the delivery was so hard, that I just loved her soooo much.
When I found out that I was pregnant again, I was concerned that I could never love anything as much as my first child. BUT I DID!!!! It was another flood washing over me. I am tearing up now just thinking about it.
And then came my third girl (in 3 years!!!) It was almost too much to hope that the love could be that strong again. AND IT WAS!!!! The nurse was passing her to me after just giving birth and I kept saying iloveyou.iloveyou,iloveyou.iloveyou.iloveyou.iloveyou.
Whew I am emotional now!
Thank you for providing a place where people can be honest.
That is so beautiful. And soo right. And so helpful. I love you Katie!
This is the first time I have ever commented on a blog as I just had to thank you, Katie, for being so honest. I had my first baby a mere 32 days ago and have been struggling with all the same type of feelings that you shared. Thank you for helping me realize that it’s okay to feel this way. I prayed for and yearned for my daughter, and I know that I will ultimately be able to feel that bond with her. While I am patiently waiting for that to come, I will forever be able to come back to this post to be reminded that I’m not alone. Thank you so much for that. I truly appreicate it.
At this point, I don’t even remember how I came to your blog for the first time today. But I’ve been reading all morning and loving it… and then I got to this post. I am overcome with emotion. Thank you so very much for writing this. I went through something similar with my now 18 month old son. I loved him when he was born, but when he had surgery at 4 weeks, I found myself growing distant “just in case”. It took over a year (and a lot of therapy) for me to get the love back again. Now, he’s my whole world and I can’t imagine life without him. Thank you for your raw honesty and reminding all of us that we’re not alone. Sending you a giant hug from afar!
I also want to say thank you for this post! I am coming at it from another direction– we have been trying to have kids for three years, and it looks as if it isn’t going to happen. Sometimes it feels like I am a weirdo on the other side of a pane of glass, looking through at all the ‘normal’ people with babies. It’s very lonely and strange. Your story helps me realize that when it comes to family-building, nothing is easy, or uncomplicated. Or ‘normal,’ for that matter. Thank you again, and best wishes with your little ones!
Amen Chris! And just to encourage you a little, because of my venting about struggling with pregnancy #2, I have met so so many different people that have tried for way more many years than 3. One of our very best friends actually tried for 9 before having a little girl, one of my good friends miscarried 5 times before carrying full term, and one of my best gals growing up was told she would never have kids….and now she has two little boys. And that doesn’t even start on the people we know having babies through adoption…so don’t ever feel weird. Or if you do…just know that weird is totally normal 🙂
xo – kb
This must have been difficult to write. I want to tell you my perspective and what I very lovingly see as a thinking error among most of the women who experience this. I am the mother of 5. My first child was stillborn full term. (40 weeks). She was beautiful with a full head of hair, blue eyes, and perfection beyond anything I could have expected. I can’t even begin to tell you about how my perspective changed because of her death. It was a process of nurturing who I was going to be as a mother, the likes of which I never could have expected. The pain was so intense that I craved the time I needed with a baby. Thirteen months later, our son came along, and I loved him so intensly, it made my heart ache.
I was not so lucky with my next child. She was difficult, she had colic and sometimes I just felt like she didn’t even like me. As a mother, it wasn’t the romance of the first baby. It was knowing that I would take the hits, suck it up, make the best of it and she would have the best mother and we would get through it together. That’s love.
It’s a shame that society grinds such expectations of what we should feel upon the birth of our children versus what ends up being so different. It messes with us making us feel as if we aren’t deserving or good enough or whatever you want to label it. It is never a perfect scenario.
I guess what I’m saying is that by the things you have done for him, from the very beginning, you loved him. It’s like when the scarcrow goes to find a brain or the tin man a heart, or the lion his courage. The wizard tells them at the end “you always had it, it was there all along”. I would encourage you to write this letter again for therapeutic reasons. I hope that you can stop and see the depth to which you really did and do love him, from the very beginning. It isn’t fair to you or any of the other women who so powerfully commented to be so hard on yourselves. Nobody deserves that. Holding a beautiful child who snuggles you back is the romance of the moment. Sticking it out is the love. I hope this helps you to come to terms with the grief you feel and offers a different perspective. He is just precious and beautiful.
Love that you are so honest, I wish more people were.
I wrote about a similar experience on my blog. http://theselovelylittlethings.blogspot.com.au/
🙂