We Bowers are normal folk.
Normal folk who fight. and make up. and sometimes argue again immediately after making up. and sometimes we fight so long that we forget what we originally started fussing at each other about in the first place. and sometimes slam the fridge door just so that we can make a loud noise. and yes, we have been known to flick the photo face of the other person in a framed picture when in the heat of the moment.
That’s normal, right?
And it is also completely normal to wonder if you are normal and to ask other normal people if you are normal and to read books written by normal folks about normal things…like marriage….like the difference between boyfriends & their quirky gals….like how to cure the disagreement disease…like all that and more.
I get emails from you guys all the time asking how we manage to spend 24 hours together in the same house and what Jeremy & I fight about and how we make decisions peacefully and how we have survived having a kid and renovating a home and being completely different. So here I am to tell you our magic solution. Come closer to your monitor so you won’t miss it. I’m gonna whisper it and you can’t tell anyone. Here’s our secret: we have no clue what we are doing.
I wish I had the key to a happy marriage. I wish I knew how to keep my mouth shut. I wish I knew what prayer to say to make me have zero temper and to make my boyfriend’s fuse a couple miles longer. In all honesty, I have no reason for you to ask about our marriage. We just started this journey. We are rookies. We have VERY little figured out. Not like these guys:
Marriage Interview from Katie Bower on Vimeo.
When I get to 55+ years of marriage, you can ask me these questions all over again and I’ll probably have less to tell you than now. Here is all that we know: we love each other and divorce isn’t going to be an option. Literally. I will shoot & kill my darling boyfriend (love you hon) and go to jail before I sign divorce papers. We know that isn’t what everyone believes…some peope don’t believe first degree murder is a problem solver. But I’m Italian. ‘nough said. That isn’t to say that we can’t TRY to improve. We do. We definitely try. We spend dedicated quality time together and also with friends that share our same passions. We pray together. We read books together that help us in easy and small ways to get along. We attempt to show mutual respect and understand what makes the other person tick and what just ticks them off. And we have participated in group studies of some of the books so that we can share with other peeps our ups & downs & sideways days. I know some of you probably think this wouldn’t help…but it does. It’s like group therapy. For those of you wondering, here are some of the relationship books we have done together – you can click on them to purchase new or used copies 🙂
Money is definitely a big thing in every relationship…and a main point of disagreement. We personally have read some books in regards to the moolah…the links to them are below. Even if you don’t heart Jesus or believe in a Creator, these books are great for reshaping your mind in the terms of consumerism, spending, and the basic ideas of wants vs. needs. They really helped us as we renovated our home (on a very very tight budget)…and they inspired & taught us how to save, stock up and pay off.
What are we currently into? Well, we just recently decided to start a bible study together called Believing God
And I really want to break into this one too. I think my mom might have it…so the next time I’m over there I’ll have to steal borrow it.
I know this post was supposed to be about marriage books but I can’t help but include some good reads for the littlest Bower. These are the ones currently on Will’s wishlist (also known as his mother’s wishlist for her son):
So now that you got the full lowdown on our hardback situation…let’s get the review from ya’ll. Have you read anything recently worth recommending? Maybe you have a must-own baby book? Or you found a financial how-to that you can’t help but share? Perhaps you just wanna chime in on how adorable my Pappap & Mummum are? Seriously…I hope that one day Jeremy & I are able to sit down in front of my granddaughter & her spaceage 4-D reality recorder and tell her all about how much my boyfriend loves me. and how the key to marriage is putting up with horrible pregnancy emissions.
Great post- I live with my bf and although it’s not always rose… we are only human!
i’m reading crazy love right now.. SO amazing. you need to leave it.
it make you look at every step during the day differently, or at least it’s done that for me so far. 🙂
We read the ‘Five Love Languages’ as part of our pre-marital counseling and loved it! Seriously, we recommend it to everyone we know when they start talking about marriage. This was a really sweet post. 🙂
The best marriage book my husband and I have read so far is Reforming Marriage by Doug Wilson. It’s straightforward with a great answers for the what, when, who, how, why questions, and the author has this hilarious dry sense of humor.
Great post… Just so you know, Crazy Love is ahhhhh-mazing… and we also really benefitted from the book “His Needs, Her needs.” Glad to know everyone’s human, even the ones who look perfect through the lens of their blogs 😉
I thought Love & Respect was great. I first listened to an audio he did at a conference (purchased from Focus on the Family) and then tried to read the book and found that the audio presented all the ideas and was really all I needed. Such a good thing to realize when you are in the ‘crazy cycle’ and choose to get back to reality.
aww that is really sweet! What a nice little memento for you to have of your grandparents. 🙂
Question/Favor: Would you mind stopping by and sharing any advice you have on shooting indoors at night? I’m helping out with my sister’s wedding reception this weekend and could use all the help I can get! Thanks!
Oh, yeah, and Total Money Makeover totally changed our lives!
ooohhh – can’t wait to google it 🙂
xo – kb
crazylove is such a good book. have you read soul cravings by erwin mcmanus? even betterrrrr!!!
Your parents are sooo cute! So inspiring and lovely to see!!
Thanks for the great book recommendations too! As a newly married couple, with a new baby also (5 months), I can totally relate to everything you said. It is also so nice to see a blogger mentioning some Christian books!!
CrazyLove is intense, but it’s a good one. Don’t pick it up when you’re in the mood for “light reading.” Have you heard of “Helper By Design”? I’ve read good reviews of it and it’s in my Amazon cart. Also love the Five Love Languages and am hoping to read Love and Respect too! Any good tips on getting the hubs to read for those who don’t like reading as much? 🙂 Maybe I’ll spring for the audio books…. Thanks for sharing your candid thoughts Katie–marriage is hard work, as I’m just beginning to learn about four months 🙂 Blessings to you and your boys!
I am a true believer in the 5 love languages book. I made my boyfriend read it when we first started dating and we’re making a 3 year long distance relationship work fantastically. Great recommendation!
It’s a controversial one, but “Created to Be His Helpmeet” personally helped me. It’s not for everyone, certainly, but it was good for me.
And “Men are Waffles, Women are Spaghetti” was really cheesy but very helpful for me to understand how my very many-man’s brain works and why he really doesn’t hear me when I try to interrupt him in the middle of a project.
A great book for our marriage was “When Sinners Say I Do”. It was recommended my our pastor and we both loved it.
Also for baby Will (and I’m not going to lie–adults too) the Jesus Storybook Bible is AMAZING. Seriously. It breaks down all of the bible stories to a kids level and shows how the whole Bible tells the story of Jesus. Go buy it today. Ok not today because it is 10:30 Atlanta time. So maybe tomorrow.
Loved the Pappap and Mummum interview. That’s really special.
I completely understand! My husband and I are together 24/7 too. I stay at home with our sons and we run a business together. Yeah even more reason to argue sometimes. I love the books you suggested. I’m also a clinical psychologist and I always recommend the 5 love languages to couples in therapy. My women’s bible study read it over the summer too as a refresher. One of my favorite books I have read with my bible study that was super helpful and we got a lot of laughs out of is: For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men . You should definitely check it out 🙂
http://www.amazon.com/Women-Only-about-Inner-Lives/dp/1590523172
Such a great post, Katie. I think it’s great to be open and real about marriage…. so thank you 🙂
Spending quality time with good friends that have similar interests and beliefs is one of the best supports for our marriage. Before my husband and I got married I read Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. It’s about how God purposed marriage for us to be more Holy, rather than happy. Wonderful book!
Blessings 🙂
He’s still so little, but when he gets to be a bit older (like 3 or so), get Will The Jesus Storybook Bible. It is seriously awesome. We got the deluxe version with the CDs as well . . . our kids listen to them all the time and my 3 year old has memorized several of the stories. Makes the whole concept of salvation understandable and put in context through all the major Bible stories. Check it out. I bet it would be a hit in your house as well.
Wow! Didn’t read this comment until after I posted. LOL! What she said. 🙂
I just started reading Crazy Love! A few years ago I read a book recommended from a friend called Created To Be His Helpmeet, by Debi Pearl. This book would make me so mad, and feel so frustrated, I would have to read a little and then take a little break – I just don’t like the way the author talks about people or how harsh and black and white she is. BUT the overall principles are amazing and truly changed I how I thought about my marriage (which wasn’t in bad shape) – I knew that it had impact when my husband started commenting to his friends and to me on my changed attitudes/behaviors without prompting from me. This book truly was a challenge to read, but I would recommend hanging in there (especially because the second half is where she brings in more Scriptural support) because the overall principles are worth it! I’m probably due for a refresher course!
For Women Only is such a fun book, and the couple ended up writing For Men Only too, which my husband enjoys!
I am NOT a fan of the Pearl’s and suggest you don’t bother reading their material! I find their writing terrible and a manipulative.
I LOVE the marriage books you mentioned and I LOVE the Jesus Storybook Bible – it’s a must for families with young kids but, do yourself a favor and skip all books written by the Pearl’s. They teach some really messed up stuff that appears to be biblical but, is NOT!
Okay, that was tough. I’m a people pleaser and it is so hard for me to say something without worrying about offending others that read your blog and have left earlier comments recommending this writer (Debi Pearl). Just so you know I have never written such a direct comment in my life.
Mike and Debi Pearl have done a lot of damages to families and children with their false teachings. They affirm spanking infants, domestic discipline in christian marriages, and other horrible teachings as scriptural. I strongly encourage you to google their names with ‘controversy’ before reading any of their books. Look at websites like gentle christian mothering. The Pearl’s teaching are un-bibilical and dangerous.
Okay….pretty please promise you’ll investigate their teachings and how they match up with Christ’s teachings before buying any material written by the Pearl family.
I love your blog….and the new post on all those cute spring clothes! Can’t wait for an update on your new house!
~ Ali
My husband and I read the Five Love Languages right after we married (eek, six years ago!)
I love it!
Most recently, we read The Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas through a couples bible study at church. That book was awesome in helping you understand how to treat one another in your marriage. I highly recommend it!
Ali – I appreciate your candor…and since everyone is entitled to their own opinion – I am sure that other peeps won’t be offended. As for not reading them…well, rest assured that I don’t usually spend money on books…I have a library card afterall…
xo – kb
Crazy Love is amazing. Definitely a must read. It is very motivating and convicting.
I love your theory that divorce is not an option. That is the theory that my husband and I have as well. I believe it is the theory that God wants us to have. We made the committment and we can keep it, and very happily, with His help.
Ecclesiastes 4:12- I’m sure you know it, but I love this quote which applies to marriage.
Now go read Crazy Love! 😉
I just started a daily devotional called “Jesus Calling” by Sarah Young. Definitely recommend it.
And Boz is great for the little ones! My daughter used to watch those DVDs and dance along with the music. Great content, too!
Yes!! “Created to Be His Helpmeet” was the most biblically based “wife” book I have ever read. It’s very challenging and may step on some toes, but being a helpmeet is God’s plan for us wives! 🙂 Loved the post, Katie. Your grandparents are absoultely adorable!!!
That video is precious!!!!! I need to do something like that with my grandparents.
Ahhh Beth Moore, how I love her! I hope you’re getting to see some of the videos for that study – her hair is ah-mah-zing and you’ll do her little “I’m believin’ God” hand motions for years to come (hilarious but well meaning 🙂 ). I’m working through To Live is Christ right now and have Stepping Up on order!
Marriage is hard. Sometimes harder than you’d ever imagine. Husband and I have had some pretty good ups and pretty bad downs, but we’re with you: divorce is never the answer. I don’t have a good book rec beyond what you’ve listed, but having friends who are going through the same phase in life and really dig into your life – the good and the bad – is super important and transformational! That and prayer. I’d recommend The Power of a Praying Wife – helps reset your view on yourself and marriage.
Thanks for this post, Katie!
Your grandparents are soooo cute. We are about to celebrate 12 years of marriage and I still feel like I don’t have the answer to how to make a marriage work but we’re doing it!! Even with a 4 year old and 18 month old twin boys!!
Katie, I think knowing divorce isn’t an option is really awesome, then you’re forced to make it work!
Los 5 Lenguajes del Amor, esta genial!! Me encanto.
After 20 years of marriage and 2 boys, 13 and 17 yrs. old, the only thing I can say is parenting is very hard and takes alot of energy. In the early years, don’ t try and do so much, it actually gets busier in the teen years so pace yourself!!!! Your family loves you and will understand, let them help!
Hope this helps.
Aww, that video melts my heart! So cute.
The 5 Love Languages is really awesome. My husband and I went on a marriage retreat and the sessions were based on that. And once we learned about it, everything made a lot more sense!
Thanks!
Agreed. Both “When Sinners Say I Do” and the “Jesus Story Book Bible” are amazing. My husband is actually leading two couples through pre-marital counseling right now using “When Sinners Say I Do” … its so good and points to Jesus throughout the entire book. Check it!!! 🙂
I absolutely second what an above poster recommended: “For Women Only”, and the accompanying book “For Men Only”, both by the Feldhahns We read The Five Love Languages and Love and Respect in pre-marital counseling and enjoyed them, but For Men/Women Only were head and shoulders above any marriage book we’ve seen. They’re short, and we highly recommend both reading both books. Not much on the theology of marriage, but incredible practical advice on every page even for a women whose parents have a great marriage and who grew up with brothers. Outside of God, these books have been the number one tool for avoiding fights and improving our marriage. While reading both books we spent the whole time looking up and saying “wait, when I say that it means “X” to men?” “guys really think like that?” “Women are trying to communicate WHAT when they act like that?” Seriously, it’s helped us avoid or resolve so many disagreements by understanding the core differences between men and women, communication patterns, that kind of thing. These two books are our standard gifts to newlyweds these days. Even my parents, married almost thirty years, called me to say what a help the books were in their marriage. Enough raving, I’ll stop now 🙂
Awesome! 🙂 Loved, loved, Believing God! If you never have, her “Daniel” study will rock your world. Have you ever checked out blog.lproof.org? Our small group is doing “Shepharding a Child’s Heart” by Tedd Tripp. Will is still itty bitty and all – but I wish I’d done this study earlier. Mine are 4 & 7. May God continue to richly bless your union and your growing family. He is faithful!
Ditto to Power of a Praying Wife! 🙂
K, I said I’d stop talking, but I lied. Our pastor had us listen to a couple of marriage sermons by Tim Keller and his wife (I think it’s the eight part series listed on this page?) as part of pre-marital counseling. Nothing ground breaking, but we enjoyed listening to them together over the course of a few dinners:
http://sermons.redeemer.com/store/index.cfm?fuseaction=category.display&category_ID=6&Name=marriage&monthrecorded=&yearrecorded=&scripture=&speaker=23&messagetype=&SKUsearch=&sort=DateNew&CFID=2160620&CFToken=58935909
And my husband, who grew up with constantly separating/eventually divorced parents and some confused moral advice can’t stop talking about what a difference the book “Every Man’s Battle” made in his life.
The video is so adorable. I had a lump in my throat the whole time! A book that I recommend it The Love Dare. You may have seen it on Fireproof (the movie). It is amazing and I have not heard anything bad about it. I also recommend any Jenny McCarthy book. She is hilarious and is raw and in your face. She doesn’t color anything up! Thanks for the suggestions!
Wow, love it! Love everything that you write!
We also believe in a “no divorice” policy and just keep on trucking. We’ve made it thru a ton in our 10 years together (5 years married)… loss of hubbys employment, dealing with the hubbys massive depression (he lost his entire family by the time he was 21- mom, dad & both brothers), huge financial downfall… big fat ugly downfall, and so much more. At times it would have been so much easier to just go our seperate ways, but we kept plugging away at it and are in such a better place now. I thank God for giving us both the strength to get thru it all. I know we still will have road bumps ahead of us, but I believe that with all that we’ve already made it thru we should be pretty smooth sailing from here on out. We have “The 5 love languages” and but haven’t done it yet… thanks for getting my butt in gear! I’ll be getting it out tonight when I get home =)
You two are absoutley adorable!
It took me 3 YEARS to finally get my husband to read ‘The Five Love Languages’. I just kept referring to it and quoting the book. Sometimes I would read him an excerpt out of it. He started reading it then never finished. He picked it up 3 years later, finished it, and then read it again! Now he refers to the book more than I do! 🙂
Thanks for the book recommendations! I will definitely be checking some of them out.
Funny story about the book Crazy Love. My mom works at a christian bookstore and brought home a shirt when the book first came out. I had no idea what it was, but wore the shirt to a drama practice at church the next week. A parent came up to me and said “Oh, I love your shirt!”, to which I replied “Thanks, they are a great band, aren’t they?” The mom looked at me very confused and walked away. I thought the shirt was for a christian band’s new album!
I highly recommend Mark Driscoll’s sermon series “Song Of Solomon”. Not only does he talk about the fun side of marriage = ), it’s amazingly practical too. Search for Mars Hill Peasant Princess series…you’ll be glad you did!
I recently did a ladies bible study on “Every Woman’s Marriage” by Shannon and Greg Ethridge. I really enjoyed doing the study b/c it helped me feel like my marriage isn’t doomed just b/c it’s not perfect- it’s normal. Marriage is hard and no two people live together happily 24/7.
I also ready “Finding the Hero in Your Husband” by Dr. Julianna Slattery and like it.
Then, my husband and I are doing a study together in a small group of young married couples on “Your time-starved marriage: how to stay connected at the speed of life” by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott. This has been another good way for us to get ideas from other couples that are kind of in the same life-stage as us.
Love this post…. My BF and I are going through a rough time with just having our second child. Children are stressful to a marriage.
Thanks for posting!!!!
I’m not usually someone who comments on blogs. I’m more of a lurker. I do love your blog, by the way! But for some reason, the spirit has moved me to comment this morning. As a woman who has been married nearly 17 years, it sounds to me like you and Jeremy are on the right track. Although I am an expert by no means, my husband and I have seen the better and the worse, the sickness and the health, the richer and the poorer, and are still together, happier today than we were 10 years ago. Marriage is a journey and a learning process that, in my opinion, God instituted to help us learn to love, truly love, others. You are at a very critical time in your marriage. My children are 12 and 9 now, but I remember the time when they were babies/toddlers as being some of the most stressful times in our marriage. I don’t want to scare you with that but encourage you that what you’re going through is normal, and as your child(ren) move from total dependence on you to independence, your relationship with your husband will grow stronger and closer – and consequently there will be less stress, fewer fights, more time (for yourself and each other), and yes, more sex! Committment is the key, and as the years pass and God refines each of us, as we grow more mature as Christians and the impurities are removed from our lives, we become better wives and husbands, mothers and fathers, etc. Continue looking to Him. Continue finding ways to improve your relationship (those are some great books you listed). Appreciate the small, everyday blessings. Love each other unselfishly and put your marriage above all other relationships in your life, including that with precious Will. He will love and appreciate you both for it and will thrive within it. And some day, you and Jeremy will be celebrating your 55th anniversary! God bless your family!
Thank you for writing with such honesty about marriage. So often blogs are about putting only the lovely, glamorous or happy things out there to give others the impression that life is simply perfect. One of the reasons I enjoy your blog is for its transparency and honesty so yahoo to you for that!
After almost 12 years of marriage I would say that the challenges still exist but by constantly trying to figure out a way to improve and make it better means it is always evolving as we grow and evolve ourselves and is always getting better as we get better as people.
Putting your spouse before yourself is a way of thinking that has helped me so much. It doesn’t mean forgetting about myself and neglecting my own needs but it means putting him (and him putting me) first as a priority in our day to day routines.
I also once heard that husbands need to feel respected and wives need to feel loved. When we feel unloved, we automatically say or do things out of our hurt that come across disrespectful and then the cycle begins and keeps going. Understanding that is so helpful for our marriage.
Keep chugging and working and loving – it’ll get better.
I wish I could recommend a marriage book, but after three children, I have a hard time remembering what book I read last, much less ones I’ve read over the past 10 years. 🙂 But I do have a children’s book to recommend, actually a series: Read Aloud Bible Stories by Ella Lindvall and illustrated by H. Kent Puckett. There are at least four of them, and there may be more. We just have volumes 1-4. I love reading these to and with our kids. The illustrations are lovely, the stories are written with a preschooler in mind, and have a few simple questions at the end of each story to see what they gleaned from it. These stories are too simple for my 7 year old, but he can read them to his little brother and baby sister to occupy them while I cook and to give him some practice reading aloud. I look forward to reading them to my grandchildren some day…if I don’t tear out the illustration of the calmed sea and frame it first. 🙂
As for marriage, my husband can drive me absolutely crazy. But he also makes me laugh harder than anyone has ever made me laugh. Often he does that when I’m aggravated with him. So, just about the time I’m figuring out the prison sentence for aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, he completely diffuses the situation. Or I just remember all the millions of loving things he does for me, and it’s hard not to be patient with him after that.
We have read For Women Only/For Men Only and then used them as talking points to help us understand each other. Helping my husband to see my brain as a computer screen with 10 open windows that never completely shut down was a huge breakthrough for him in understanding how I think. We have also read 5 Love Languages, Sheet Music (a wedding gift), Dave Ramsey, Couples who Pray Together book also a good one. Can’t wait to check out your recs, thanks for sharing!!
Thank you for this post! I’m about to marry my boyfriend here in about two months and have been looking for some great books and bible studies that we can read together.
Great post! Marriage really is a constant work in progress!
I just wanted to add some ideas to Will’s wish list. I grew up on the Little Arch books, published by the Lutheran Church-MS. They are like Little Golden Books, but all Bible-related. And at $2.50 a pop, you can’t beat that!
http://www.cph.org/c-246-arch-books.aspx?REName=Kids
I recommend “Red Hot Monogamy: Making your Marriage Sizzle” by Bill and Pam Farrel. It was written from the perspective that God created sex to be a beautiful thing- physically and emotionally- between a husband and wife. NOTE: be careful to purchase the correct book. There are other similar titles out there that are NOT so similar in content!
Thanks for sharing the video of your grandparents. I want to make a video like this too, to share with my children someday. What type of video recorder do you have and what type of program/software did you use to create the video?
Okay. Am I lost? “Pregnancy Emissions”…are you expecting?!? Did I miss something? 🙂
Katie, we did a Bible study with our Teenagers based on Crazy Love. It’s incredible. Highly recommend it!
And I am definitely going to try to talk the hubsters into reading Believing God with me! I think that’s something we could both use a little work on!
I’m home with my husband 24/7 as well and we love it! We have sure learned a lot about each other in the process but it’s a huge blessing. Also, I love Beth Moore too 🙂
I agree For Women Only was a great book. I bet for Men only would be good for the guys. I’m not married, but I think For Women Only and The Five Love Languages transformed the way to looked at relationships.
Great post! I love the video you did. I don’t even know them and it almost made me tear up! Crazy Love is a good read. I just finished A Praying Life and it was excellent too.
Believing God = amazing!! KatieB, you and the boyfriend won’t be disappointed.
i really befitted from a book called “Love that Lasts” and second everyone’s suggestions about “When Sinners Say I Do” :o)
Katie,
How adorable are Mummum and Pappap?! I love how your Mummum is covering her belly with her sweater. I do things like that. 🙂 They are precious. I think the best advice comes from reading the faces of people who have been together forever… It seems like they all tell you not to sweat the small stuff. I think that’s how people last a lifetime!
Precious post. (You have your mummum’s eyes.) Those recommendations are great. There is something to be learned from all of them. I even go back to some and will learn or see something in a different way than I did the first time I read them. Can’t wait to check out Crazy Love.
My husbands advice to a great marriage “Be Kind”. And he is just that. We have 2 young boys and a third on the way and he has more patience than anyone I know – with the kids and me! He says he always just keeps that in the back of his mind with everything he does and it works.
Katie, I love these books that you posted on here! My husband and I have seen our marriage dramatically change after trying out the Love and Respect concept and we LOVE Dave Ramsey! So thankful for resources like this out there. Thank you for encouraging all of us and for being an example to many!
oh no no NO. We currently are NOT pregnant. I was just merely saying that if a man can put up with my ‘smells’ then we are definitely in it for the long haul 🙂
xo – kb
You are totally normal and ascribe to the same philosophy as me. Love the list of books you suggested but I wanted to mention another book that really helped with my husband and I’s growing pains. The book is called Fighting For Your Marriage. It really helped me and my husband articulate the little issues in our marriage and get us on the same page… which for us was half the battle. Thanks for the honest post!
I just used our Flip camera and the Microsoft Movie Maker software that came with our computer 🙂
xo – kb
These are all such great books. Well, the marriage books you mentioned. No kids yet, but its always get to have the reference 🙂 We are about to go through Dave Ramsey’s ‘financial peace university’ at our church, and while I’m so glad to get a handle on our finances, etc. it does make me a little bit nervous! I love Love and Respect- such an awesome book- ALL couples need to read it!
Thanks for sharing your struggles, as it’s so easy in the blogger world to make it look like we are the perfect happy family that never fights and our house is always perfectly clean. We all know that isn’t true- but it makes me love the blog even more when they are real about it.
You have such great taste in books! I loved The 5 Love Languages and Believing God (though I did do the Beth Moore book with a group of women). I received Crazy Love for Christmas, and based on these comments, I think I’ll be bumping it up the list! I recently started “Becoming the Woman of His Dreams” by Sharon Jaynes. I literally just started two nights ago, and can’t say much about it yet, but it’s another idea for you. It based on the idea that the woman of your husband’s dreams
1. Prays for him
2. Respects him
3. Adores him
4. Initiates intimate friendship with him
5. Safeguards her marriage
6. Encourages him
7. Sexually fulfills him
Your blog is inspiring on so many levels. Thank you for every minute you put into it.
LOVE THIS POST!!! Love Languages saved us. I have learned to love my husband how he needs to be loved and he has done the same for me. He needs acts of service and I need physical touch. Sometimes it is hard to love in a way that you don’t feel loved, but this is making our journey so beautiful. We have to sacrifice in order to love the other! It will be 10 years this June. Christ is at the center so we know we will make it “till death do us part.”
Awesome post and so excited to try some of the recomendations on here. I loved LOVED Love & Respect. I also saw someone else recomment shepardizing a child’s heart and that book is great. Another one I would recomend for you is Every Woman’s Battle by Shannon Ethridge. I didn’t see it mentioned but I’m sure you already love Veggie Tales, I know we do! Also the movie fireproof and the journal (30 days it’s what they do in the movie is awesome) I actually saw fireproof listed on netflicks.
You’re funny! I figured I read that wrong, but just wanted to make sure!
I’m glad you asked. I was wondering the same thing!
amazing marriage books:
this momentary marriage by john piper
when sinners say ‘i do’ by dave harvey
and, the MOST amazing, challenging, growing book i’ve ever read on marriage:
the marriage builder by larry crabb
also, tim keller has an incredible sermon series on marriage, might be worth a try when you’re done with your beth moore study.
my husband and i have listened to it like 5 times:
http://sermons.redeemer.com/store/index.cfm?fuseaction=product.display&Product_ID=18279
did you write this just for me today? Wow! You don’t know me from adam, but I finally got my husband to look at reading some books together to address some problems we have been having, and I have been struggling to figure out what to get. I have asked a few people and no one has been able to give me any good suggestions- thank you for this post! I appreciate your suggestions SO much!
I loved For Women Only also! It is a short super encouraging read, but I think I should mention that with a with a warning that it might tick some women off. Honestly though, if you go after it with the intention of wanting to understand and love your husband more and put your (of course I mean my 🙂 pride aside, it’s so worth it and helpful. I think it was helpful to look at my relationship from just my one side of it, and focus on how I could love better, not being distracted by thinking “well if he did what the book said”. : ) All that to say…Read it! It’s great!
Awesome post, Katie! Marriage is hard! It’s part of the reason I started my blog. As much fun as planning a wedding was and having all the online resources out there for brides, it just seemed to stop right after we said “I do.” I think it’s important to surround ourselves with likeminded couples, too, and learn together.
I normally never leave comments, but if you are looking for a good, biblical book regarding marriage then do not let another day go by without checking out SACRED MARRIAGE by Gary Thomas. It’s really more about how the Lord uses your marriage to impact and grow your own relationship with Him. Phenomenal. Worth every second it takes to read it. Also, I second (or third?) what other commenters have said about Tim Keller’s sermons on marriage. There is one discussion forum that he and his wife do together that is really great. It’s http://www.redeemer.com and go to “sermon store”. (But they are free.) ALSO (last thing, I promise), Will is a little young for it now, but The Jesus Storybook Bible is the very best Bible out there for kids. Hands down. It points to the gospel message (i.e. Jesus) in every story, including all of the Old Testament ones. Really “pulls it all together” for kids. I even get a lot out of it.
Great post, Katie! Love your honesty.
Completly LOL at “flick the photo face of the other person”. A flick war is totally the key to solving all marriage problems-that and “squishing” the other person’s head with your thumb and pointer finger.
Seriously though, GREAT post. Marriage isn’t always a bed of roses, but it’s so worthwhile.
Wow, I just read a little about some of the controversy and was really disturbed. Not sure if any of this comes out in the book, but thanks for the warning at least.
So, I’ve been reading your blog for a bit, but I had to comment on this post. 🙂 Even though I am a newlywed, I would say the simplest way to put the secret to a good marriage is to be like Jesus. That’s why marriage is so hard! 🙂 I think I’ve learned the most about my selfishness over the past 6 months than any other time. But I love that I we have our entire lives to figure it out. Two of my favorite marriage books so far: “What Did You Expect” by Paul Tripp and “Sheet Music” by Kevin Leman.
Each year I read “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands” by Dr. Laura. It is funny, to the point, and helps me reevaluate the way I am treating and taking care of my husband.
What a great post! What a sweet and loving couple. 🙂 Like many others we also read the “5 Love Languages” and even attended a Gary Chapman seminar–he’s such a great speaker! We decided that we would take a marriage seminar every single year after that. We also read and worked through “To Become One” by Chris Seay (our pastor). After all of the comments on “Crazy Love” I think I’m going to go pick up a copy today!
Thanks for sharing!!
Crazy Love – a must read, it will challenge each area of life so two thumbs up on that one 🙂
I was getting ready to post about our go to resources later this week, but here are a few off the top of my head:
– Don’t make me count to three, Ginger Plowman
– The Jesus Storybook Bible (+CDs)
– Shepherding A Childs Heart
– The Excellant Wife (there is a partner book that Alex is goof through but the name escapes me…)
– The Valley of Vision (it’s a collection of Puritan prayers…)
– My Utmost for His Highest has a children’s devo that paraphrases Mr. Chambers straight to the heart messages for kiddos
Plus a few others…thanks for being transparent lady 🙂
Going through…not goof 🙂
Thank you IPhone.
My husband and I did Love and REspect a few years ago — and it totally changed our marriage!! We aren’t perfect, but this bok helped us to embrace the other person’s differences and see that we are who God created us to be and not just annoyances to each other. I love your stand on divorce, we are the same way. It is so rare to find people like that anymore! When you say “I do”, it’s for life, not just while things are good! Thanks for being so transparent on your blog, I love it!!
I thought of two other amazing books:
Wild at Heart by John Eldredge
Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge
They really help you understand the opposite sex and how God intended us to be.
Best book I’ve ever read for marriage is:
Marriage: A Path to Sanctity.
– the title shows you the essence of it all!
Here’s a little blurb about the book- sold me! (with my emphasis added)
Shows marriage as a path to sanctity and HEROIC VIRTUE, a generous exercise of the LOVE OF GOD. It demands SELF-SACRIFICING LOVE, which is necessary for personal sanctification. A complete guidebook for married couples and those preparing for or thinking about marriage. The book aims to guide the reader to a proper hierarchy of values in regard to marriage.
Also check out:
The Temperament God Gave Your Spouse
Happy reading!
My husband and I are currently doing the bible study “Sacred Marriage” by Gary Thomas. We really like it so far. Instead of focusing on how to make a better marriage, it shows how your marriage can help you to deepen your relationship with God. Thanks for your suggestions, I can’t wait to try them!
So I agree that For Women Only and For Men Only are both very good for understanding the difference between men and women.
Another recommednation I had is a dvd series and book called “Marriage on the Rock” by Jimmy Evans. My husband and I watched these during premarital counseling through our church, but eventually bought the dvds for ourselves(and have since bought them as gifts for family and friends). It’s been awesome for our marriage and I recommend it to everyone! It’s even fun to have other couples over and watch together. I’ll copy the link below if you want to check it out!
http://store.marriagetoday.com/
I love Beth!! Can’t take the videos though. Too cheesy. And the only way I can stomach the beloveds, and fellow sojourners, and all the other things she likes to call her readers/students is because I actually believe she is being sincere. Dont know if you’ve done any of her other studies, but they are all great. Believing God, David: Having a Heart like His, Living Beyond Yourself, Breaking Free (<—by far my favorite) alll soooo good. As is crazy love. I really like Sacred Marriage too. Havent read it all the way through, but so far so good. 🙂 Thanks for speaking openly and honestly about Christian marriage! No way are we getting divorced either, no matter what.
So funny – we have used the exact same books to help us through our marriage: Love & Respect, 5 Love Languages, Dave Ramsey, and I highly recommend all of them as well. We attended the Love & Respect seminar that happened to be down the street just after I finished reading the book. It was perfect for my husband, as he’s much more auditorial than I am. Another book we read by the 5 Love Languages author is the 5 Apology Languages and that was just as profound and marriage changing as the 5 Love Languages. I highly recommend it! We definitely still have those weeds, but having these solid words to lean back on definitely helps.
Something I learned recently, in a roundabout positive way, was to gently remind the other person that I was speaking healthily and they were responding in a very unhealthy way. It definitely works both ways, and I appreciate it when it’s told to me so I can recognize what I’m doing.
Off to google Reforming Marriage as well…
You wrote something that reminded me of my aunt and uncle. They have been married for 57 years. Until just a few years ago lived in the same community that they grew up in, attending the same church they did when they met in youth group in the 1950’s. Their children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews, and I’m sure many friends look to them for relationship, marriage, and life advice. Especially my aunt–she is wise beyond her years. She once told me that she would never divorce my uncle–shoot him yes, but she would never divorce him. And I have loved that quote ever since. She somehow made something difficult and scary that many couples encounter in their journey together humorous.
A few years ago, my mother let it slip that around the time I was born, they had hit a rough patch in their marriage. My uncle had met someone else and decided that he wanted to leave the relationship. My aunt told him no. Simple as that. It was not an option. So he didn’t. And here they are 20+ years down the road, still married, and still an inspiration to younger generations. But it totally shook me. These people that I admired and thought had the relationship I should aspire too didn’t. But then I realized that the fact that they were able to weather the storm gave me a new realization of what a strong marriage truly is. My mom regrets having told me that, but I’m thankful. I’m able to still see their marriage as strong, but now with a more realistic perspective.
I don’t really know where I’m going with this story other than marriage is hard (I should know, I’ve been married a whopping year and four months!), but whatever you need to do to make it stonger you should do–even if it means shooting your husband 😉
You guys should try to do a “fun money” budget. It eliminates a lot of money/spending issues in a marriage. We get along great because we aren’t fighting about money. 🙂
Here’s details on our plan if you are interested.
http://www.chateauwhitman.com/2010/04/how-we-spend-thoughts-on-fun-money.html
I loved For Women Only too!
I highly recommend any resources by Jimmy Evans (Marriage on the Rock, etc). He and his wife Karen have a marriage ministry and TV show and you can actually watch episodes online at marriagetoday.com. He used to come to our church every year to do a free marriage seminar and my husband and I have greatly benefited from his teachings (28 years and still going strong!). Also Marla Taviano has written a book called “Is That All He Thinks About?” that’s great. She has some others, too, but I haven’t read any of them. Check her out at marlataviano.com.
Maahwidge is what bwings us togeva today. Maahwidge, that bwessed arrangement. That dweam wivin a dweam.
Please tell me your post title is an allusion to the great Princess Bride.
I might be totally CRAZY and freak you out because I skimmed through all other comments and no one else had mentioned it. If so, forgive me and RENT IT!
Great post! Thanks – Heather @{twenty}something
I laughed out loud reading this post especially the divorce is not a opition and you would kill him before signing papers. I have said the exact same thing to my husband. And thanks for the tips on the books. I have heard so much about the 5 languages of love maybe I can make my hubby read it with me. Wish me luck!
form2form.wordpress.com
You’re going to love crazy love! Our women’s group read it over the summer, it is incredibly convicting and just makes us all take another look at the things we do every day. 🙂
Been married nearly 20 years to a great guy. I’m a hot-tempered Irish woman, he’s a mellow Scotch guy. We’ve read a dozen or so marriage books including the ones you listed above. Our hands down favorites are For Men Only and For Women Only. We read them last year and picked them up again this year when we started to ride the marriage rapids. EYE. OPENING. Even after a couple of decades.
My boyfriend and I LOVED the 5 Love Languages. We are reading Gary Chapman’s “Things I Wish I Knew Before I Got Married”, and it is amazing as well. It really makes you look at each other and your relationship through fresh eyes. Great post!
Just wanted to say that, as you can tell from my comments about how the book was a challenging read for me, I definitely don’t see eye-to-eye with Debi Pearl, even just in her attitude towards other people. (I am unfamiliar with the controversy). However, I do not remember anything blatantly unscriptural in Created To Be His Helpmeet, or anything about “domestic discipline”, etc. (I would never recommend a book that did contain that concept). My husband and I respect each other and think of us as a team in which he is the “team captain”. But feel free to pass, obviously! I was just throwing it out there since it impacted me!
love that movie. and love that quote. I mean “wuv”…
xo – kb
This may be the best post I’ve read on this blog. I LOVE your sense of humor Katie!
“Closer” by Jim and Kathy Burns
And thank you to everyone else for the recommendations!
Mark Driscoll…….awesome Jesus lovin, truth preaching, bibical based guy. I would highly suggest anyone to listen to him. I admire your commitment to each other. I am sure mini bower does too. 🙂
If you would rather listen than read, there is an awesome serie of preachings going on at Ihop Atlanta (the house of prayer, not the pancake house:):) every Sunday called “The Glory of Marriage”.
Good news is that these preachings are available on podcast for free! Just look for Ihop Atlanta Podcast or go to their website:
http://www.ihop-atlanta.com/page.php?p=media_mediacast
It’s based on the book Sacred Marriage and it’s famous sentence: “What if God designed marriage to make us holy instead of happy?” and also another great book called “The Mystery of Marriage”. Very deep insights right there.
It’s seriously the best preaching I’ve heard on the subject! Highly recommend! Every week I
wait anxiously for the next podcast! It’s been a blessing!
Btw I love your blog! It’s addicting! rsrs
xo
I think the best expression I’ve ever heard describe marriage is this:
Marriage is not meant to make you happy, it’s meant to make you holy.
Just added all of these to my holds list at the library – THANK YOU!!!
Love & Respect changed my views on men totally, love Dave Ramsey, we did Crazy Love in our small group and it changed lives…literally, and any study I’ve ever done of Beth Moore’s has been monumental in my life. Love your picks!
Katie,
Thanks for this post…it brought tears to my eyes….
know that you’re not alone…
my hubby and i (i’m 26yr old., hes 27) have been married about 4 1/2 years now, and it has been no walk in the park, by any means, and divorce was never an option for us either…. but through the power of prayer, and support from family and friends, and by none other but GOD..we have improved immensely…of course…still needing to make it a long ways yet…but WOW…it was really rough at times…it seemed that i would hear God say to me..”you let ME deal with your husband…and YOU focus on Me.”….it was hard to surrender our marriage to GOD completely (hey, i’m human i wanted it to go MY way)…but WOW…how much i grew with the LORD…thats when i knew we were going through this for HIS glory to grow in him, and be witnesses to others through our situation….. i would try to say everyday “thank you God…thank you for choosing us…to take this challenge on…and thank you for picking me to be able to be an encourager some day through this situtation..and what a privilege for me to “suffer” as a child of God…like Jesus suffered. Thank you, LORD.” a verse that i would try to keep near me at all times and post around me (and still say to myself to this day) is from 1 thess. 5: 16-18…you’ll see why when you read it :)… a book that i have found absolutely wonderful is “the power of a praying wife” by stormie o martain. …she even has one for husbands…(i gave it to my hubby a couples years back..he hasn’t read it yet…but i’m praying…in God’s timing) 🙂
Thanks again for the post…may God bless you 2 (and will) through all of your life’s journeys..never lose sight of Him.
Abbey
I love Francis Chan (author of Crazy Love). He spoke at one of our conferences at Biola University… and he was my all time favorite conference speaker. (I heard a lot of speakers since we had conferences twice a year and were required to attend so that says a lot) He did this wrap on stage that he wrote and recorded for his wife. Totally unexpected coming from an Asian man. It was amazing.
You just reminded me that I had put that book on my amazon list and then never bought it! Thanks for the reminder. 🙂
Ditto this!!
The 5 laguages of love is really a great book! I read and give it as a present so many times.
Anyway I don’t want to live in stress and quarrel, so when we started (after 10 years) to quarrel more then to love I made a decision our lifes are too short to live like that. We are now best friends and divorced.
We tried for a year and a half to make it better, visited counseling etc. but it didn’t work. And yes life is too short to be unhappy.
hi. i love your blog your heart your vulnerability .
I wanted to share with you a project documnetary on love one of my good friends is doing. they are believers and trying to capture love in the rawest form . The website is loveishere.com. hope you enjoy .
ps read crazy love you will not regret it i have read and reread it . Its an easy read saying complex things in a beautifully simple way .
keep up the great blogging
Katie, this post came at the most perfect time. Divorce isn’t an option for us either and I think it’s time to brush up on our marriage skillz! Five years, three dogs, two full-time jobs, and one MBA program later, it’s safe to say we need to focus on our marriage a little more. Thanks for the recommendations!
When we were dating, Mike and I often emailed questions (and answers) back and forth. When we ran out of questions Mike found a book full of them. He was a little worried sharing it with me, however, since the title was INTELLECTUAL FOREPLAY! So when he presented me with our new book to appropriately learn more about one another, he put painters tape over the word “foreplay” and wrote “questions” instead. We enjoyed many conversations with the help of this book and I really do think it gave us a healthy, and quicker bond. I am so thankful that he took the risk of offending me and the even bigger risk of opening up with me as we answered deep and meaningful questions together. 6 months into marriage we are still reading through areas of the book (Sex chapter!?) so while I would primarily recommend it to dating couples, I think it would be useful for married couples too. Especially for a married couple who may be feeling as though they’ve forgotten who their partner is.
Katie. thanks for posting this. It was encouraging to read that you guys are committed to the end in your marriage. Just as it should be! The only hope we have in our marriages is Christ Jesus himself! We look to him and as we conform to his likeness our marriages will transform too! Thanks again!
Captivating was amazing. I second that recommendation!!
Elizabeth Gilbert’s “Committed” really spoke to me. I like it much better than I did her “Eat, Pray, Love”. I would also highly recommend the blog 2000dollarwedding.com Sara has some great posts and book recommendations for keeping your marriage strong.
Katie… that video of your grandparents just about brought me to tears. Adorable. And like you, I hope to have as wonderful a marriage as my grandparents – who are going 60+ years strong!
I apprecaite you putting yourself out there on this – because I feel like we have no idea what we’re doing either!
Love the Believing God series- that really helped shape me as a believer a few years ago. Have you heard of the “jesus storybook bible”- apparently it is THE BEST bible for kids. everything ties in with the gospel, even old testament stories. It’s on my wish list!
This is a great post and such a good reminder that we’re not perfect. The preacher that married Husband and I recommended we read the 5 love languages book – awesome. Thanks for the other book suggestions too.
LOVE this post. I realize I’m about…3 months late…but I was going through archives of your life and reading them.
So…CRAZY LOVE- getting into that RIGHT now. 5 LOVE LANGUAGES- SO GOOD. We read it, took the quiz, and are shocked at how much our love languages keep changing.
Also- DAVE RAMSEYYY!!!!!!! If you ever read my blog (no pressure- seriously- it’s a slow process) you will see how much we LOVE Dave Ramsey. I actually call him my bf-DR. Yup. LOVE. My husband and I took the Financial Peace Class and love it.
I love your statements. I love that divorce wasn’t an option. I went into marriage the same way. Unfortunately, my first husband didn’t feel the same way about putting forth effort and chose for divorce to become an option. Luckily, my second husband is an amazing man, a fantastic minister, and totally willing to to do what it takes. Obviously, it takes two, mistakes were made everywhere, but life is good and so are those books!
Thanks for being so honest with all of us!
I’m so in love with you. Can we be friends? 🙂
I think the number one thing a marriage needs is commitment. There is security in knowing that your partner is in it for the long haul no matter what. However, that does not mean it is always pleasant. I once told Brad, “I will never divorce you and I know you will never divorce me, but I can sure make your life miserable for a long time.” Um, yeh, not a shining moment.
But I think the thing about marriage is that it gets better with time. Like anything that is worth anything, you have to work long and hard to create something great. You have to have faith in the storms that it is worth it to weather them and not look for a sunny place to stop.
I wish you a long, content marriage.
So, I realize 3 years after the post might be a little late to the comment party, but I wanted to recommend an awesome book on marriage – Marriage Matters by Winston Smith. It is excellent, Christ centered, and practical. My hubby and I did a book study on it with several of our married friends.