I’m flat out failing.
Seriously.
What with all the transitions here lately, I’m falling behind in every single area of my life – including dental hygiene – and feeling like the world is operating with a clock that is four hours too fast. I wish I was kidding.
First of all – thanks for being such good friends that I can tell you all this stuff.
Secondly – how does anyone get anything done? I mean…seriously. I have zero time now that Jer isn’t home. Jeremy’s job changed in the area of ‘location’ so now he has that two hour commute into and from work each day. Before – when he telecommuted – we went to bed at midnight and I stayed upstairs and blogged from bed till two in my blanket tent. That’s right. I had a 2 am bedtime every night. And it worked. Mostly because Will was still waking up every night at least once between the hours of midnight and 2 with a night terror. Thankfully those screamfits (that will literally make a mother crawl out of her skin – I’m on my 258th skin coat already), well, they stopped. But it was good to have such a late night bedtime because I could go in and calm him down. Well, now Jeremy needs to be in bed and trying his best to be asleep by 10pm….because of his 5:30am alarm. And he can’t do it with the laptop glaring in his face…or under a quilt. And neither of us can fall asleep without the other person…it’s a sickness called marriage.
Jer being gone in the morning means that he can’t wake up with Will and feed him breakfast – giving me an extra hour in the mornings. So instead of waking up at 8 – now I am up at 7. And Jer doesn’t get home till 7 pm. I shouldn’t complain because I know this could be worse…but that means twelve straight hours of toddler-dom. And I don’t like my kid that much…yup…parent of the year…right. here. But it’s true. I love Will…he’s funny and good and everything I would want him to be…but I don’t play the way he wants sometimes…and I don’t have the energy to keep up….and I wanna just pull out my iphone and get a break by hitting up my blog reader…or take a shower…or anything that doesn’t involve Matchbox cars or stacking blocks or balls or jumping. Always with the jumping. I wanna get something done. I wanna go to the grocery store without the chance of a complete meltdown. I wanna take a nap. I wanna be able to walk barefoot in my house without having crumbs or sand or random pebbles from Will’s ‘collection’ stick to my toes.
So basically I am failing as a mom. I lose my patience. I yell. I put him in time-out seven times yesterday. I fed him a lunch of french fries two days ago and dinner today was a hardboiled egg and a burned crescent roll. At Walmart, I went to change his diaper only to realize that I forgot to restock the diaper bag and had to fashion one in the back of the car out of the emergency duct tape and some Chickfila napkins. And even with being with me 24/7, he still only wants Jeremy to kiss his boo-boos.
On top of that – my house is literally a disaster zone. I expect the President to send in the troops any minute just to contain the chaos. Will ate a piece of old banana that was on the kitchen floor because he was hungry and tired of waiting for me to slice cheese for him. And during a post-creek Mommy-Will bath, the little man pushed the jet button before the water was high enough and black disgustingness shot out all over the bathroom and I have yet to clean it up. That was two weeks ago. Yes. Failing.
Oh and the blog…forget about it. I have probably close to thirty posts that are waiting for the photos to be edited, downloaded, uploaded and the text to be written. Not to mention two shoots that are waiting on me, thank-you cards waiting to be written, hundreds of emails just sitting in my inbox and I forgot to do a very important giveaway yesterday. So yeah. Failing.
And wifey stuff? Yeah. Not happening. I procrastinate making dinner until Jeremy comes to me at 9pm and says things like “it’s fine – I love peanut butter and honey.” and then I feel so bad that I have to make him something more edible (also because we are out of peanut butter). I call him as he’s sitting in traffic on the way home, most times I’m in tears, telling him how I’m not cut out for being alone all day…that Pinterest is the devil for making me feel inadequate, and that my sciatica is making my entire rear end numb…and that my pregnant sense of smell is so fierce that I avoided Will for thirty minutes simply because his stenchy diaper was making me gag. Basically complaining to the point that there is nothing that he can say that can make me feel better. And when he tries – I yell at him for not listening. It’s not pretty.
Pray for me. I’m trying. I really am. And I miss Jeremy. It makes me wanna cry. I don’t know how all the other moms do it…but I feel like I’m drowning…and can’t imagine how difficult it will be with a newborn too. I am so so blessed and it’s like I can’t do right by my blessings.
Is it just me? Please tell me it gets easier. Pretty pretty please.
p.s. On the flip side of things – my yard hasn’t ever looked nicer. I get a ton done outside because Will is such an amazing independent player out there…also, I have finally mastered the ‘tone’ which gets Will to obey instantly. It’s the best thing ever. And we started bible craft times in the morning – basically the highlight of my day – but since Will doesn’t like to color longer than ten seconds – it can be challenging…but still – highlight. Also – Jeremy has to shave every single day. Holy porkballs – I could make out with that all day 🙂
Right there with you ma’am. On Mon/Wed/Fri I drive half an hour to meet my mom halfway to pick up my 4 month old baby, then drive another half hour to work, work from 7:30-5, then do that trip in reverse getting home around 6/6:30. Meanwhile, my hubby is driving an hour and a half one way to work on Mon/Wed/Fri. Tuesdays and Thursdays he has been forced to be a stay-at-home daddy because our babysitter on Tues/Thurs didn’t work out, but we didn’t find that out until 1 week before my maternity leave ended. I’m sitting here typing this while pumping because the baby refused to nurse and had to take a bottle before bed tonight. The house is a mess. There are no sheets on our bed. I need a shower. Yep. Can totally relate.
i know how you feel Katie. But it will get better but i still miss my hubby because the same thing happen to him and it’s been 5 yrs now. take care
oh man…i feel your pain. not going to sugar coat it. commuting sucks…try to change that asap.
but really, don’t be so hard on yourself..you are newly pregnant and have crazy hormones raging in your body…your tired…you NEED A BREAK. it seems like you have a great family around you…see if you can have someone watch will for 8 hours once or twice a week. it will help tremendously.
and it’s going to get even tougher when baby comes…but then get better and then tougher and better…
you are not alone. i am there with you. DAMN PINTEREST/FACEBOOK!!!!!
I’m so sorry to hear about how tough everything is for you right now! I have been thinking about you and wondering how that was going now that he’s no longer working from home. It sounds awful. You sound like you’re just doing the best you can though – and not at all like you’re “failing.” You’re just doing the best you can, and that’s all anyone can ask.
I don’t have any advice for you other than that I’m sure that this, too, shall pass, and things will get better. And that pregnancy sense of smell is so bizarre. But on the other hand, when you walk by blooming honeysuckles, as I did the other day, the smell is so amazingly deliciously overpowering, that’s something to be thankful for – my husband couldn’t even smell them, and I was RAVING over the amazing sweet, flowery scent 🙂
Good Luck Katie! You’ll make it through!
Hang in there, KB! You are NOT failing! Just overwhelmed… and that’s okay. It happens. And it will get better =) Until then, sending lots of love & prayers your way -xo
Aww KB 🙁 I feel so bad for you. I’d be a total basket case! I feel bad thinking of Jer sitting in traffic for so long both ways, when I’m sure he’s just as sad that he has to do it as you are. I’d be a trainwreck with such drastic changes, being newly pregnant (sick and TIRED!!), and active toddler, and having all the obligations you do, Hon! Hang in there, you a wonderful, you are doing the best you can…you are allowed to have “off” days…or weeks. Have you seen this? http://powerofmoms.com/2012/04/your-children-want-you/ -kinda made this mom feel a smidge better about all my “inadequecies” 😉 I hope tomorrow is a new day…and you are wonderful! We love you!
Amen sista!!! Thank you for being so honest… Sometimes I read other blogs, or see friends houses and think “Why is there house so clean and perfect?” I
Oh honey boo boo child (that little girl scares me from T&T but that is the cutest pet name I’ve heard all year) I won’t sugarcoat it for you the same way that Jenny McCarthy’s mama books don’t sugarcoat pregnancy, labor and delivery either. Sometimes (most times) our jobs stink. Figuratively and literally. Don’t ever feel so overwhelmed or ashamed to throw in the towel on any given day either. Troll those daily deal sites for a low cost cleaning service for a day. Leave the dishes in the sink and take Little Man to the park. Cry on your mamas shoulder for at least a good 5 minutes (because if ever a woman in your life could understand what you are going through, it’s your mom), then wipe your nose, dry your eyes, say a prayer, and get back to work. The second baby is what can really push life back, but little achievements every day help keep your sanity in check.
My best, Lynn
*and honey boo boo child, if you need to step back from the blog every now and again, then so be it. I’ve been on here long enough to know of, see, and hear of many women that get taken down in life due to slaving for their blog and the more important thing in life – their real lives. Always choose the real over the “surreal”. Sheesh…why don’t you ask me what I really think?! 😉
Definitely praying for you. We’re expecting #2 and I just went from part time to full time at work – I feel the same. My house is a disaster, i have no idea when I’m supposed to run errands, go grocery shopping, actually see my daughter, and then get reading done for bible study. I’m also trying to figure out if I want to stay home after this baby and I’m TERRIFIED that I’ll be miserable because I also don’t love being alone with my kiddo for 10+ hours per day. AHH. Being a Mom is HARD. But Will knows you love him and will remember the good times. You’re doing it and you’re doing great.
whoops…wasnt done ;s
I look at photos of other nurseries and wonder if Im the only mom who forgets to shut the wipe container or who has dirtybaby puked on clothes laying on the floor (still) You are a great mom because you know you are doing the best you can and you know you love your son and famil. Nobody is perfect but you atleast, have the balls to admit your faults and I admire you so, s much for that!
With that said, I dont think any of your blog followers will care if/when you have spelling mistakes in your posts or the photos arent edited, or you dont write “enough” we all just love to hear from you!
We all love you and we’ll be here once you get yourself through what I’m sure is a completely sucktastic transition your family is dealing with. Keep your chin up, Katie B…and know that we’ll all enjoy reading just as much even if the pictures aren’t edited and the blog text seems to be written by someone barely coherent enough to form sentences. 🙂
You’re not failing. When I first became a SAHM I felt the same way you do right now. I was stressed that my house was a disaster and I didn’t get anything done because I was SO BUSY with my little man. I felt like a failure. It’s been almost a year and things are starting to fall into place and I feel like I (kind of) know what I’m doing.
Someone gave me this poem:
Mother, oh Mother, come shake out your cloth
empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
hang out the washing and butter the bread,
sew on a button and make up a bed.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She’s up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.
Oh, I’ve grown shiftless as Little Boy Blue
(lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
(pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo).
The shopping’s not done and there’s nothing for stew
and out in the yard there’s a hullabaloo
but I’m playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren’t her eyes the most wonderful hue?
(lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).
The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
for children grow up, as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.
……and it made all the difference. My house is a disaster, and that’s ok. I try to clean one area a day and I pick up his toys after he’s gone to sleep. He’s a horrible napper so I can’t get much done during the day….actually, I think I get the most done while he’s eating! My hubby works a lot and there are weeks when he’s gone so much we hardly ever see him. Last week I think we spent a total of 4 hours together the whole week combined.
Give yourself some time. You will get the hang of it and everything will fall into place!
Oh Katie- you are precious. And reading this post almost made me cry. I was a single mom for almost 3 years, and worked from home with my little curly girl by my side all day everyday. I had a lot of nights of tears, screaming, throwing fits- and that was from me. You aren’t failing, you are in survival mode. And it gets better! I now have an amazing fiance who loves Grace like his own, we are getting married next month, and expecting in october… those days of feeling so alone and trapped and thinking I was a piece of crap mom just remind me now how far I’ve come and while they were some of the darkest days, they just make me appreciate what I have now even more!
Praying for you. For peace. For comfort.
And side note- When my fiance started his new job, he had to shave every day, and I cried. But I’m a beard loving hippy… what do I know?
Hey Katie! I feel exactly like you describe at times. And then I realize that I’m trying to do everything in my own strength. And I usually mess up when that happens. Remember that when we are week, HE is strong. Let Him be your strength in every part of your life. Hope that brings you some encouragement tonight! Love your blog-it’s my favorite!!!
**weak
Oh, you’re so not failing! You’re living! Welcome to my house… because it sounds just like yours with a couple extra kids thrown in, a pile of laundry up to the ceiling, toilets that always need to be cleaned, floors that I wouldn’t even let a pet eat off of much less my children – who do – all – the – time. We’ve all been there and anyone who says they haven’t is lying. It will get easier. I promise. Change is hard and you’ve got some mighty big changes going on, girlfriend! So pop in a baby DVD, fry up some bacon and call it lunch, and take a few minutes to breathe, relax, and know that everything will be okay. =)
Oh, Katie, I feel for you. Failing as a mum, though? Not possible. About 15 years ago my husband spent a year away from home for work. I had two small kids (under five) and my third on the way. I spent a lot of time feeling like I was failing then. I was just so tired all the time. And then, tonight my 21 year old son (the oldest) called me. He was crying and said he he just felt bad, and needed to hear me. I don’t know what made him so sad – a girl maybe? – but I know I made him feel better.
Only the best mums worry how they’re doing, and I think we’re doing fine.
Just keep doing what you’re doing.
xo
Ditto on all of that. There have been many weeks straight exactly like that at our house. My Will is 3 now and has been go-go-go nonstop since birth. He nixed a nap, despite my best, most drastic attempts to keep it, before his 2nd bday, and sleeps barely 10 hrs at night. We’ve been through night terrors, teething, and just getting up in the middle of the night for no reason. And that’s just on the 3 year old side of life… My husband got a “promotion”, which is great when business is great, but sucks major balls when business is slow (like now). Employees get dumb and lazy. When they call out “sick”, my Hubby gets to go in on his/our day off, or work from open to close on days he should’ve been home by 6pm. It sucks.
It just makes the good days, REALLY worth it. You definitely appreciate those days a lot more after a whole lot of really trying ones. When the kid behaves, you get to finish a load or two of laundry, and make one room in your house look decent. Hang in there.
I don’t have any advice- just encouragement that you will get through this! And you are NOT failing. You’re an inspiration to us all- its actually nice to see that you are human… Like the rest of us 🙂
I found this today and thought of you- I think you should order yourself a chocolate & bacon-y delicious treat!! http://www.thestickypig.com
If you’re still trying, you haven’t failed. 😉
Have a wonderful weekend, KB.
Emily
Well, this has been my life since my sweet boy was born two years ago (almost to the day). I completely relate to all of your frustrations and challenges. I can’t say that it gets easier, but God has made me better through motherhood. Just lean on Him! Every night I ask forgiveness for my yelling, or impatience, or forgetfulness, etc etc. But then I have to turn around and thank Him for this amazing individual He has entrusted to me; and ask for guidance and help. He reminds me that this is His plan, and as long as I am looking to Him, I’m not failing. And neither are you:) In fact, that you are aware of all this just proves what an amazing mom you are!
Hang in there! Much support heading your way!
Hi Katie – I read your blog everyday, but I’m not sure if I’ve ever left a comment. Anyway, after reading how stressed out you’ve been, I had to comment to cheer you on! The fact that you’ve been able to keep up this great blog is proof enough that you’re not failing.
I don’t have kids, but I am married and have a fabulous little dog who we love like a child, and I do work and am a full time law student. Hubby asking “cereal?” at 9pm is all too familiar and always makes me feel bad for being so distracted/tired/busy that I forgot to make anything…or the dog dragging her food dish across the floor and sitting in front of her cabinet because oops, forgot to feed her too (and I don’t even have a toddler keeping me busy!).
Guess my point is, it happens to all of us! Don’t let it get you down. And when you get in the “I’m inadequate because of all this awesome stuff on Pinterest” rut, take a moment to compare all the things you like in *your real life* better – it’s eye opening and an instant rut cure.
Be well!!
P.S. your top competitor in the Apartment Therapy Homies Awards was Manhattan Nest – and Daniel is like the worst blogger ever who goes absent for weeks at a time until his mom mean-tweets him that he needs to “write a [expletive] post for your readers.” We still love him all the same and we’ll always forgive you if real life gets in the way of blog life 🙂
It’s okay, sweet lady. I don’t have kids and I still feel like I am failing sometimes. I find that when I take an Internet break, it helps the feeling that my life is out of control and everyone else’s isn’t. Of course, your job is the Internet, so that may be hard to do… 🙂
This is my first comment on your blog! But I just had to comment, because I want you to know that you’re not alone. Also, I know that you believe in the Giver of grace…the One who seriously looks on you with FAVOR because of what Christ did. Such a good place to rest in knowing that He’s done all that we could never do in measuring up.
So go fill that dirty bathtub up with grace and take a good long soak. 🙂
Take heart. With a face and smile like Will’s (PLEASE notice that he’s smiling), he doesn’t appear to be suffering. My mother took her doctor’s advice when she had the 1st of 7 children: when your child naps, you nap. She’s way up there in years, but still makes sure she gets that nap most days. All of us get overwhelmed at times. We just have to do our best and learn that tough times make for tough people. It’s great that you are able to vent on your blog and find support here. My own solution to when I feel like I’ve neglected way too much and feel like a failure, is to ask myself “Has anyone died?” or “Is anyone asthmatic or allergic to dust?” If I can say “no,” (luckily it’s the only answer so far), I pass the problem off as not being insurmountable. I hope Jeremy can find something closer to home one of these days, but we all do what we gotta do. I’m sure it’s tough on him, too, and he misses all those little extras he could be helping with and enjoying, giving you needed breaks and being able to communicate with you more. Another thing my mother always did was leave all of us kids at home with Dad on Saturdays and do the grocery shopping. It was her time and we were never invited. To this day, besides getting a nap, she also enjoys grocery shopping. Go figure.
You ARE NOT failing…you, my friend, are just human. And that is 100% ok to be!
Hang in there it ill get better I promise. I came across this the other day and it instantly made me feel better. Sometimes we try to hard to be super at everything and we just need to remember that it is the small things in life that truly matter. I hope this helps you a little. http://powerofmoms.com/2012/04/your-children-want-you/
Commuting is such a bear. I commute 2 hrs each day WITH my 19 month old. Sheesh, that is something for my nerves. Is there any way Jeremy can wait this commute thing out and then possible switch locations or at least telework a few days each week? It’s a huge shift to go from having someone there and then no one.
I am sure Jeremy is exhausted too and Will is probably picking up on it which I am SURE makes things even more “fun” for you. Hang in there, you are doing a great job.
Just remember: You may sort of resemble her but you at least you AREN’T Britney Spears!
It gets easier! My husband leaves for months at a time. My trick is to do a schedule! Literally the best thing on earth. And don’t feel like you need to please us. You and your health come first. Maybe take a week of relaxing/no blogging/get important things done and you will feel more relaxed. I hope this helps and I hope you realize you are doing an amazing job, that you are beautiful and that you are one awesome momma.
I am also due early Nov and have a crazypants 2 yr old boy. My husband travels for work and is only home on the weekends and can I just say everything you just said I could have written myself. Overwhelmed, exhausted, frusrated, feeling guilty and inadequate for feeling frustrated. It’s hard… really really really hard. It will get easier once you get some energy back and adjust to “single” parenting. Because really as much as it sucks to say, that’s what alot of us do during the week. One on one… all day everyday. I wish I had advice… but all I can say is you’re not alone. None of us are perfect. Housework and hygeine can wait. and kids don’t need constant perfect-pinterest-mommy stimulation, it’s good for them to be independant once in a while and learn that everything isn’t done on their time… good luck!
You are strong. You are brilliant. You can get through this even though it seems like the bad outweighs the good right now, things will balance themselves out. Lots of love!
Alright girl…SNAP OUT OF IT! This is your drill Sargent here!! 🙂 First off…take a step back and put things in order of priorities. Are you going to remember that your bathroom was dirty 5 years from now…or that you spent all this crazy fun time with your 2 year old son? Are you going to remember the times you had PB&H sammies for dinner….or the first time that Will created an art masterpiece?
Not to say “oh I’ve been in your position and more for years now…”….but I’ve been in your position…and more….for years now. My husband ran his own business…and didn’t have any backup at his store to take a day off. I had complications with my first and had to have a c-section for my second and we had to schedule his birth for a Sunday because it was the only day my husband could take off. We don’t live near family so I don’t get any help. He commutes 2 hours a day as well and leaves at 5 am and gets home at 7…sometimes 8 pm everyday. And you know how I get through it all? You take one little task at a time. my home is not spotless…but everything gets cleaned eventually. My meals are not 5 star….but i make sure that once a week everyone gets a special meal. My kids are not angels and get multiple time outs….but every night they kiss me and say “wove you momma” I know I’ve done at least one good thing that day…even if I have no clean underwear. The best thing to do is to really focus on ONE task at a time and not think about the 5,000 things you have to do after that. Clear your mind. Be one with your to-do list. It’s all very new to you so it’s stressful…but really…try to breath and the newness of it all will pass.
Oh and don’t get me wrong…there are at least 3 times a week when as soon as my husband gets home I say “I don’t even want to talk to these kids anymore”…he takes over and i make sure I do something for myself…NOT something on my to-do. You’ll get through it, momma. We are a force to be reckoned with. So don’t think of it as failing. Think of it as learning to be the best you truly can be!! So go out there and DO IT! Rah rah sis boom bah!
Yup, you were seriously spoiled having him home all day every day. I must have missed the post where he doesn’t get to work from home anymore. Is it temporary? When I’m not working but my husband is I have to set my alarm and get up at 6 if I want a shower. Once the girls are up its not happening. When I AM working afternoons are brutal. The girls and I get home at about 4 and I have to start dinner though all I want to do is snuggle with them (he’s either not home or at the gym/going for a run). I had a rough day today some decided to skip my errand, come home, put on pajamas (it was 4pm) and have cereal for dinner!
You’ll figure out a system and get used to it.
I have thought about posting here twice. Once during your past bfing post and this post. Both struck a chord close to home. Here is an interesting article re pinterest: http://powerofmoms.com/2012/04/your-children-want-you/ You are going through a HUGE transition. And it is hard! Something may have to give….until you figure it out (((hugs))).
God wouldn’t give you anything you can’t handle.
I promise, it gets so much better! I have now an 11 yr old son, 9 year old son and 4 yr old daughter. Those days are exhausting, when they are so young. I look back now and miss this days dearly. Give yourself permission to just survive! Let him watch movies, feed him whatever! I think you will feel relieved if you will work on planning dinners and fixing it every other night. Give yourself grace-this is a tiny window, in the scheme of things-this too shall pass!
Long time reader, never poster here. Just wanted to offer some sympathy. I’m a new SAHM of a 2 year old and 8 weeks pregnant with #2. I thought I’d love to be home with a toddler all day but it is damn hard work and sometimes I really suck at it. Also, the pregnancy isn’t making it easier. Honestly, sometimes I pop in the Lion King DVD take a nap on the couch while she sits mesmerized. I also wanted to share this article. I know it made the rounds on the internet months ago, but I find it comforting in my mommy-failure moments.
http://momastery.com/blog/2012/01/04/2011-lesson-2-dont-carpe-diem/
Hang in there. It will get better.
Hi Katie, most women feel this way when everything gets on top of them…you’ve explained motherhood perfectly!
Maybe a week with the computer turned off (or a few days even) might be just what you need, no pressure, just to catch up around the house etc.?
When I was self employed when my children were young, I organised child care twice a week so I could work, just because it’s from home, doesn’t mean that you aren’t “working”…is there any way you could place Will in some outside care for a few hours, he would probably benefit from it even…
Anyway, hope you get your mojo back soon mate, and stop thinking of it as failure…it’s normal! xx Jayne xx
You’re not failing. You are parenting a toddler. They’re not really even human yet. 😉 I was so.there when my daughter was little and now my son is 18 months it’s starting again. It’s hard to like the little bugger. I love him sure, but crap this kid is abusive–hitting, biting, head butting and he spends more time in time out rather than out.
It gets better. I am sorry that you’re alone right now. You need to GET OUT. Get a babysitter during the day and go somewhere you love and can’t take Will. You deserve it. You have to take care of you before you can take care of Will (and the boyfriend).
You are not failing. (repeat after me.) Motherhood/life goes through phases. There are times I feel like I am doing it all right. I’m polishing up my “awesome mom award” speech and patting myself ont he back. Something shifts or changes and I feel like I’m treading water, barely keeping my head above water. Through it all, I depend on prayer, love from my support system and the knowledge that this too shall pass. You have an extra hurtle with a popular blog to keep up and I admire you for keeping it real. Remind yourself that no one is perfect, so your best is enough. Also, check out the book called the Mission of Motherhood by Sally Clarkson. Hugs.
Oh, Katie. I love your honesty. It’s hard because it is supposed to be. Is Jeremy’s job switch temporary? I don’t do well on my own either. I’m a teacher and struggle the most during the summer when it’s just Max and me. Hang in there. We miss your posts but we understand. 🙂
It sounds like you need to join a mom’s group. It’s so helpful to get together with other moms and talk through all the stuff you are going through. On top of that, the kids get to play and learn social skills and make good friends. Knowing that you get to see your friends later in the day or week really helps you organize your time and it gives you something to look forward to. Good luck!
Oh sweet Katie. I’m so sorry. As mamas I feel like we all have those days when we feel like we’re doing nothing right. But I also feel like there are superwoman days too. Days when we somehow manage to serve as mom, nanny, maid, chef, taxi driver, personal assistant, bill payer, wife… days when the house manages to stay clean for more than 10 minutes and the kids are happy and smiling. And you know what? Those days make up for the low days!
As a mom of 4 under the age of 7 (I also have a hubby that wakes up at 4:30 and has to be in bed by 9:30ish… I agree – it stinks!) I’ll tell you that it does get easier in some ways (crazier in others of course… multiple kids means less arms free to wrangle them in with!) The truth is, you will adapt. Going from 2 to 3 rocked my world (I had LOTS of those days you were just describing) but eventually we all just learned to roll with it. You will do the same with 2. Plus, Will will have someone to entertain him which is always a plus! 🙂 I was super nervous to add another member to the family last month but I actually feel like I have things under conrol better now than I did with three.. probably because I’m afraid if I let anything go our house will spontaneously combust!! 🙂
You will be an amazing mama of two. Just remember to allow yourself to have those down days and accept that it doesn’t make you any less wonderful. Oh, and join a babysitting co-op if you have friends with kids nearby! I’ve been in one for the last couple years and it is the best thing ever. We each take two, 4 hour shifts a month and we get a ticket for each child we watch per hour, then use those same tickets to drop our own kids off. That way the kids get to play with their friends while we run our errands (or for an occasional girls lunch out.) I’m a firm believer we’re better mommies when we allow ourselves to have a little “me” time to decompress… that way our time with our kiddos is more quality time!
Much love to you and your sweet family!
~Malissa
Transitions are HARD! The hardest. Change like this forces you to change everything that was once considered normal and comfortable to something that is the farthest (it feels) from either of those things. You’ll get into the groove and so will Will – it’s a huge adjustment for him too! You’ll get your new routine down, you’ll find a way to do the bare minimum that makes you feel sane each day whether it’s taking a shower (ha!), reading blogs during naptime or sitting and doing absolutely nothing for an hour. And eventually you WILL accept that everything simply cannot be done – much less done well – every day. Getting extra help for taking care of Will or cleaning may or may not be an option, but maybe finding a mom’s group in your neighborhood that gets together every week might be. I also have a 2 year old and am pregnant, so I definitely feel your pain, but seeing friends who face the same thing every day always makes me feel better! Not only that, but it takes you away from the messes and chores that stare you in the face at home for a few hours. 🙂
Good luck!! You can do it! x
My husband lost his job back in February and was offered a job about 3 weeks ago. He was excited for it, until the training was over and he found out he’s working four ten.point.five-hour NIGHTS each week…through August. He works from 8 pm – 6:30 am. I cried every night this week. I can’t stand the thought of sleeping alone…or being alone at home over night. When he comes home at 7 am, I’m going to work. When I get home at 3:30 pm, he’s just getting up. We get to see each other for about 4 hours a day.
So in short, I feel your pain of loneliness.
Good luck to you, my dear. I truly love your honest posts, like this.
WARNING. This comment will closely resemble a book. I’m long winded, it seems.
I laughed out loud at this post! Not because your suffering is funny, but because I totally understand {and you’re a really hilarious writer, to boot}. My husband works 12 hours shifts that rotate at least once a week between graveyards and days. When we were first married, I think I lasted a week before having a melt down. I didn’t think I was cut out for it! I missed him all the time because when he wasn’t working, he was sleeping. By the way, I had the hardest time falling asleep when he was gone at night {and I still struggle!}, so you’re not alone there!
Then when we were about to have our first baby, I remember freaking out inside, thinking, “I can’t stay home with a needy newborn all day while he’s working, and then keep her quiet in a one bedroom apartment while he’s sleeping! Ahhhhh! I’m gonna DIE!” [our kid totally sleeps in her crib in the living room because there’s nowhere else… but that’s a step up from sleeping in her bassinet in the bathroom, which she did 🙂 ]
But I got used to the schedule. And that’s not to say there aren’t hard days, but it gets better! Much better 🙂 See? Light at the end o’ the tunnel. And, dude, you’re not a bad mom. You have a mazillion-billion {yeah, that’s a technical term, thank you very much} things on your plate, and letting them weigh you down will only make you feel like poo. I try not to make a huge long list of what I’m failing at, but rather say, “Okay, self. You’ve not swept the kitchen floor in so long, the dust bunnies are growing legs. You are going to do that right now.” And that’s all I think about. I just hate thinking about all those things I’m not doing perfectly; you know. . . those things that haunt your every move as you Pinterest-stalk all the other ‘better’ women in the world who have clean, cute houses with perfect kids and creative crafty-skills.
So don’t do it, girlfriend. Even though it makes for a really comical blog post. 🙂 Don’t feel like a bad mommy for being honest and human!
Whenever I feel like I’m failing over and over and over again (and it happens on a regular basis), all I can do is remind myself that because of the grace of Jesus, I’ve been saved from failure and I never have to be a failure again. And then I read: “The LORD your God is in your midst, a victorious warrior. He will exult over you with joy, He will be quiet in His love, He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy.” (Zephaniah 3:17) And I know…the Bible doesn’t always fix everything, but it does remind us of TRUTH when we can’t remember it on our own. And I only because I know it’s the only thing that gives me hope in my continuous cycle of feeling like a failure in one way or another….I hope it can give you hope, too!
Although I’m not a Mom, I babysit (A LOT), and it’s taught me that being a Mom is definitely the HARDEST thing! It sounds to me like you need some Katie time. Get Will a babysitter, have him/her take Will to do things — play at the park, museums, heck, even your grocery shopping or other things that can take some of the responsibility off you. Then you’ll have some time to clean the black stuff in the bathroom, make some freezer meals for you and Jeremy (P.S., if you don’t own a crock pot, run get one), or to take a nap if you want to! I know babysitters aren’t cheap these days, but I would be willing to bet that you could save elsewhere, and it would be totally worth it to give you a much-needed break! 🙂
http://powerofmoms.com/2012/04/your-children-want-you/
Yep. I was just going to post the same post as the person ahead of me did. My sister, who is a really great mother, shared this with me last week, and then went on to blog about her own inadequacies. (If you want, you can check her out: http://www.koskersidlewild.blogspot.com.) Both articles inspired me to just relax. So what if the house is a mess? So what if my daughter’s dinner was a peanut butter sandwich, cut up tomatoes, and yogurt? It was those giggles during her bath and the half hour of reading a story tonight that makes her world a good one. And I suppose that she doesn’t even notice the disaster of laundry waiting to be folded on the other half of the couch. I need to learn to forgive myself and to just accept that life is rolling on by. . .
But I do hear you- I feel like I’m trying to tread water and I’m drowning. Each day seems to be another drowning! But oh well. I’m still somehow alive.
I appreciate your blog and your honesty. Just don’t fret it. I’ll try to do the same.
Marianne
I can’t tell you if it gets any easier, as I don’t know yet. But you definitely aren’t alone. I have a 2 yr old & a husband who is away 12 hours a day. You pretty much described my life except it was an old granola bar that he ate off of the floor. He also found a juice cup under the couch & drunk that… God knows how long it had been under there! Hang in there, it’s gotta get better!
Hi Katie,
First of all, you (and your blog) are rockin’ it – chick fil a diaper and all. I’m not a mom, but I am a part-time nanny for a set of full time parents 🙂
Their set up is similar to how your once was (very similar actually). Dad is a work-from-home Dad and mom is a non-profit runner/photographer. They’re obviously awesome. I digress, when Dad travels (which is relatively often) everything is out of whack. The whole family is just off. Change is hard like that. It will be “off” until you have one of those rare good days. Then the good days will start to be more common. Then, you’ll eventually only have a bad day every now and then.
As a nanny to two folks that work from home, sometimes adults just need time to shower or write thank you notes or get groceries or treat themselves to a dentist appointment. Pay a neighbor girl to watch Will for a little bacon 🙂
I guarantee your little guy won’t think you’re failing – he’ll think you’re the best mom ever for letting him play in the yard all day.
I’m so sorry you are having such a rough time. I say oh well about the cleaning. It’s just going to get messed up again anyways. What’s one more goldfish ground into the carpet going to hurt when there are already 30 in there from yesterday. Just push his toys out of the way with the vacuum occasionally. It will get better once you get used to your new schedule and get into a routine. I found making meals/snacks for my 2 year old is easier if I make up a bunch of single serve baggies of her foods. She has a basket of food in the fridge and cupboard at her height for the million times per day that she’s hungry. Hang in there 🙂
Katie Bower you are not alone! We all feel like we’re failing everyday. Or I know I do. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I agree that it would help to see if someone could watch Will for you once a week or something like that, but the fact of the matter is that it’s just hard. I’m right there with you. On the bright side, that picture of Will is beautiful. He looks like a little boy instead of a toddler! You’ll make it : )
No, you’re not failing. You are just not living up to expectations or high goals you had set for yourself. Your goal is to be perfect and to have a really fun day and your goal is Pinterest level high quality – but you are new at being the single parent for such a long time, new at being lonely for your husband due to his work, new at being pregnant and an a parent at the same time… just a lot of changes. Its hard to adjust.
Daniel is now 32 months old, and when he was wills age he was more needy that he is now (and I had the newborn). He plays cars by himself on a carpet with roads on them (that could be a good pintrest project). He can watch Curious George if he is up before 7 AM and I need to rest on the couch. As language skills develop, you and Will will communicate and do give and take better.
I’d suggest asking a friend with a kid his age to come over and play. Don’t do pinterest play dates with homemade organic crafts. Just have the kids run around and mess up his room. You’d be surprised how much more things you can do in your daily to do ist when there are two two year olds who play together. DOnt’ even invite the mom unless you want to! Really, that is somethign that helped me.
Also, think up some prayer mantra – like “I need You” or some deep breathing – those short prayers like, “Oh please, Lord.” are helpful.
You’re not failing. It’s called being an overworked stay at home mom. I’m in the same boat. I am alone all day with my toddler and cant get much done either. I am in the middle of trying to redo my kitchen and just dont have enough unitnerrupted time to make a real dent in things lately. It will get better as they get older. Adding a newborn to the mix will be very challenging, as I have been there too. What puts the icing on the cake is that I basically have no friends here in Buffalo either, so I have no one to talk to, to spend kid free time with often. You’ll find your groove eventually, but you will cry and be frustrated often until you get through the rough spots. My youngest is now 28 months and luckily he is in a free preschool program 3 afternoons a week for 1hr 45 minutes. Barely enough time to do anything, but a nice little break if I want to get atleast one small thing done, even if it’s eat lunch in peace! Maybe you need to find a program or mother’s day out to put Will into to give you a little break. I know it’s hard to do, but you as a full time mother need it. I dont know how Will does away from you and he may have a hard time at first, but it is also good for him socially. My son was whiney at first, but now goes more easily.
So, from one worn out losing her mind mom to another, hang in there!! Plus, your pregnant, so you are more emotional and sensitive to everything right now. I have learned to let some housework go (as hard as it is for me and my OCD tendencies). There are weeks when I have no motivation and why would I want to spend my small amount of free time doing more work??!! I get to it eventually. I have a sink full of dishes as we speak. And I feel the same way when I look at Pinterest or the Petersicks (lol), even your blog and feel inadequate in the home dept! I just have to make myself realize life is happening in my house with two little boys, a 14 yr old stepdaughter, me and my husband. Things cant look like a catalog 100% of the time. And I yell at my kids a lot. I feel bad, but my boys dont always like to listen and when I am tired and tired of kids day in and day out not doing what I ask the first time I ask, it’s hard not to lose it.
I stay up too late too b/c it’s the only quiet time I have to myself. My son’s birthday is today (he’s 6) and I am putting together a Star Wars themed party for him for Sat. thanks to some Pinterest ideas. I’m worn out already prepping for that with homemade decorations, etc.
I just wanted to thank you for posting this. I am a sahm to an 18 month old and 8 year old. My husband often works long hours. Right now I am redoing a room which means all the stuff from that room is stacked up wherever it will fit in almost every room in the house. The small amount of time I have during naps is spent working on a paint project which means no cleaning has been getting done. I pick up multiple times a day but while I’m working on one area my toddler is destroying another. I feel like a crappy parent all the time. I feel like I don’t do enough for my kids, keep the house clean enough, cook good dinners often enough. Anyway, you’re definitely not alone and I’m so grateful to have read this so I know I’m not alone either! I think finding a bit of child care would do you a world of good. Even a couple hours a few times a week. You’re also pregnant which makes things extra rough. I know I have good days and bad days and I imagine it’s the same for you. Hang in there. It’s tough. But it will get better and all be worth it!
Katie! Holy describing my life batman! Shoot! We should start a club! I know it TOTALLY doesn’t help when people say they’ve been there and well, are there too but just know that you aren’t alone. My son smeared poop all over my linen upholstered chairs today. Cool. He’s 3 by the way. NBD. Apparently, its not mandatory to wipe your buns and put undies on after you go potty? Weird. I gave up potty training my almost 2 year old after 2 days. Winner over here. I have had a 2am bedtime for several days now because I… oh wait, there’s no reason for that. I’m just a lunatic!
Just know that we are all in this together and us Mommy bloggers just have to find some way to get through. Things WILL get better and easier! Promise. I loved that you shared this post. It’s so wonderful to see someone who is REAL!
We all love you!! I watched your pregnancy announcement video yesterday and you are hilarious and adorable! I am TTC #3 and your video made me super happy!
You’re awesome. 🙂
Right there with ya Angela!
i have never left a comment on a blog before, even though i browse through many, but feeling like an eternal failure is mom 101. i have 5 year old twin girls and a 1 year old son and my husband works 12 hour days mon-fri. you want so badly to be the leave it to beaver mother with the laundry finished, dinner on the table, and your children so in love with you, but that era is over. when i read your blog it makes me happy, i love hearing that i am not the only mother who struggles, not the only wife who randomly yells at her fantastic husband, and not the only woman who goes to bed feeling guilty at falling short on every level. from what you write you seem perfectly normal. adjustments suck and take time to get used to. definitely take advantage of your family that is close by and keep praying and trying. the lord gives blessings, but he gives trials just as freely.
I don’t know if it gets easier, but I think you adapt. A year ago a had just had a baby and was juggling a two year old on top of that, and was used to my husband leaving for work at 8 and coming home by 6. That last hour before he got home was torture. Then his work schedule drastically changed, and now he works from 8 until midnight if we are lucky. Neither of us like it, and it is hard on all of us, kids included, but it is less stressful now than it was when he first started working more. You strech and grow, and find that you can do more than you ever thought you could. I’ll be honest, there are still times when I cry all alone after the kids are asleep, but those time are becoming less frequent.
Sometimes I would get down on myself thinking that I had no right to complain because there were families in worse situations, and there were single mother all over, who was I to complain when I have a husband working to support me and our family. Then I realized something : you can’t compare your situation with anyone else. What is hard for you is hard for you, it does no good to compare your situation to anyone else, it just makes you feel a billion times more crappy. Sorry to write a novel, it is just nice to hear someone else with a similar experience.
I hope you find what works for you, and prayers are being sent your way.
Cordia! I live in Buffalo!! Where do you live? I just moved here in July. I live in Cheektowaga actually!
Wow, thank u for sharing this !! I feel relief to know it’s not just me. You basically summed up how I feel on a daily basis. I work from home as a photographer so I’m here all day with my 11 month old. I am consumed by laundry, dishes, and cleaning. Just going to the grocery store is a huge undertaking. I struggle with dinner every night and a lot of the time we do cereal or some frozen chicken patty. Awful diet I know! During my son’s nap time, I want to shower or nap, but then there’s photo editing, bills, among other things that has to get done that I can’t otherwise do when he’s awake. I’m hoping it will get easier. U do have so much on your plate. Don’t be afraid to say no to people so u can focus on yourself.
You are not alone nor are you failing. I too, am a sahm with a husband that works 12-13 hour days. I had all the same overwhelming feelings while pregnant with my youngest and still do get overwhelmed from time to time. My two kids are 2 and 4 so we’re in the trenches of tantrums, back talk, and plain ol’ misbehaving. I’m sure the fatigue of being pregnant is really kicking your butt right now too. I could go on and on and tell you what worked for me but I know everyone is different but I will say that I joined MOPS. I had to have something to look forward to. It’s out of character for me because I wasn’t raised going to church or praying on a regular basis
So sorry I hit the wrong button…story of my life…
But what I was getting at is MOPS is my therapy. My 2 1/2 hours with no kids listening to other moms and the ups and down of motherhood, marriage, etc. We’re all in the same boat. I’ll pray for you tonight from Cypress, TX. I think you’re amazing. I look forward to reading your blog daily….I need to go I hear my 4 year old stirring in his sleep…hopefully not trying to pee on his floor again. Keep your head up! Hugs from TX!
This isn’t what failure looks like. Stay off Pinterest! That website will drive anyone insane. 🙂
I have a 3 and 1 year old… the state of affairs at your house sounds pretty normal to me, especially while pregnant. (I’m first trimester with #3 and want to sleep ALL the time) Something I’ve found helps a bit: structured alone time. I started it with my first child for just fifteen minutes a day where she would have time in her bed (or her room, as she got older) often with music on and a new toy or books reserved for that time only. Eventually she was good to play on her own for an hour– enough for me to shower or just regain my sanity. It really helped when the second baby came along because it gave me undivided time with her. It made a BIG difference when the time was planned and structured vs. me getting so tired of her toddler ways and just banishing her out of frustration. Because it was planned and done lovingly she never felt like it was punishment (in fact she now asks for “quiet time”) and because I knew my break was coming, I was able to have more patience. Of course it doesn’t work perfectly every time or with every kiddo, but it might be worth a try.
Katie, I’ve been following your blog for a while now but I never comment because, quite frankly, the whole concept is awkward to me. It’s weird to say personal things to a total stranger.
But, I do want to try to encourage you today because I often find myself in exactly the same place and I’m still not sure that I’m not “failing” despite the assurances from others.
I can’t remember the last time I really cleaned the master bathroom. It’s probably been once in the last year. I have toothpaste flaking off my counter – not straight-from-the-tube toothpaste, but the microscopic particles that must still be on the toothbrush AFTER it’s been rinsed off. It’s built up into a flaky crust and honestly, I’m so overwhelmed by the fact that it’s even there to begin with that I’m just content to not do anything about it at all.
My husband works from home and is mentally and emotionally absent even as he’s physically present. He has to be, or he’d never get anything done. But it means I spend all day every day wrangling our three-year-old and the dog (who don’t understand why Daddy can’t play when he’s right there in front of them) by myself, and, like you, I don’t like my kid that much – even though I adore her. The jumping is incessant, we fuss at each other all day, the barking – OMG THE BARKING…. And let’s not talk about how my husband is currently on a four-day-long golf trip in Arizona with one of his buddies because he “needs a break.” Our daughter is three years, two months, and 20 days old. I have not spent a single night away from her. That’s 1,176 straight nights of crazy – not that I’m counting.
BUT. His grace is sufficient, and His mercies are new every morning. And it is so much better than it used to be. I might have toothpaste crust, but at present, the dishes are (mostly) done and everyone has clean clothes to wear. Husband is on vacation (again), but I’m eating out with my girl and we’re enjoying the extra flexibility that comes with having a smaller household for a few days. She won’t color for more than a few seconds, but she could spend hours shooting her bubble gun.
Underneath all the madness, I’m ridiculously happy. I’m in love with this man and he’s in love with me and I’m so, so grateful that he is willing to provide for me and our baby. Our little lady is smart and healthy and gorgeous. And the thing is, I don’t have to “do right” by those blessings because they are not dependent on anything that I do. They just…they just ARE. That’s the whole point of a blessing: It’s not something you earn by doing/thinking/saying all the right things. It’s not because of anything that you do; it’s all because of what He’s done. Keep leaning and trusting. And know, too, that “all the other moms” DON’T do it all. Some of them do, I guess, but most of us are just like you, except we don’t have the courage to say it out loud. Your honesty – even in the midst of difficult seasons – is refreshing, and a huge encouragement to so many women in so many places. It helps us know that we’re not alone – and knowing that is worth all the toothpaste crust in the world.
Hang in there. It gets better. You WILL get through it.
Yup, I get it 100%. I don’t have any kids of my own, but I am in my first year of teaching high school which is pretty much like having a classroom full of toddlers. After spending hours with them, I get home and can’t even fathom rinsing a dish, let alone cooking an edible meal. It’s a season, and it will get better. God promises it will. My current power scripture is Galatians 6:9 “and let us not be weary in well doing; for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.”. Your reaping is coming, Katie, and not the Hunger Games kind 🙂
Oh I have definitely been in that frame of mind. I’ve gotten down on myself for not helping to supplement income for our family. I’ve prayed that whatever my son just put in his mouth is actually edible let alone old vs fresh. I’ve secretly cursed my husband for his long hours and then I feel guilty for cursing his long hours because he doesn’t get to interact with our son nearly as much. I’ve hidden out of sight from my son (seriously, I did a ninja tuck and roll maneuver once because I thought my son caught even a glimpse of my shadow while he was playing quietly in his room. I’m not proud. OK, maybe I’m a little proud. I could have hurt myself after all!). But at the end of the day, I’m thankful for my husband providing for our little family. I consider myself lucky that I get to watch my son grow up day by day. And when I see my son peeking over his gate with a massive smile, I melt and soak up every sloppy kiss he bestows upon me. Then I towel myself off and tomorrow starts a new day hopefully filled with a lot more patience and sloppy kisses.
http://www.kellyskornerblog.com/
Please don’t be so hard on yourself. It will pass and you aren’t failing, just going through what happens when you have little ones. My husband used to say he should throw his hat in the door first because some days I was like a bear with a sore a$$ when he came home. anyway, read kelly’s blog, her girls are still little, and she just posted that finally her oldest is being sort of nice to the baby. You two would have a lot in common. xo, Kathy
Katie,
I think everyone feels like this sometimes. I know I do and I don’t even have kids yet! You are not alone… even if it feels like you are. I’m not sure if life gets easier, but I have to believe it will. Believe and trust in yourself. You will make it through this (even if it’s with a dirty bathroom and some pb&h meals along the way). It will be ok. And when it feels like it’s not ok, remember that one day this will all make sense and it is be a part of life and you can handle it. I hope all of this gets easier. You’ll find your groove. 🙂
You are not failing, you are normal. I can’t even pick out one example of how I do similar things with my girls because there are too many to choose from. And dinner is always a disaster. I start to dread it about 3 everyday. If I never had to think up something for dinner every again I would be happy. And I love to cook. Things will get better and you are not alone. Prayers and peace to you.
Oh my. I could hug you right now. And then start crying. I make things awkward real fast, huh? Almost all of that is where I’m at right now. Just minus the pregnancy and known blog. Ive been here for like six months. My husband leaves for work at 7am, comes home between 6-7 everynight and then works most nights from home. I’m home with my 23 month old all day. I dont have much to do at home to keep busy…other than cleaning. It’s so wonderful and also so hard. There is yelling, eating off the floor, an meltdowns here, too. It’s so hard to keep up with just housework from day to day. I see friends and bloggers who seem like they have it down and make it look so easy. I’m sorry you are having a hard time, but it’s also nice know I’m not alone. I had a panic attack one day about everything that wasn’t done. Since then I don’t worry about things being perfect. I can’t keep everythig clean all the time, so I try to get one thing clean a day. I try at least. I love weekends.y husband doss have to work a bit each day, but I enjoy every minute he is home. I know where you’re at, I’m so in it. I hope it gets better for both of us! 🙂
Thanks for this! As a new SAHM with a husband who works 12-hour days it was kinda nice to hear that you’re feeling the same things I am. I love my 10-month old, but it would be nice to have just a bit more time. Or a lot more time. To do things that I like. And be a better homemaker.
You’re awesome, Katie. Thanks again.
I’ve been reading your blog for awhile and I have to say im glad to see your not perfect! I dont thinks their is a mom alive that cant relate to how your feeling. Give yourself some time to adjust to a new routine. Maybe see about hiring a teenager to come play for a few hours so you can get stuff done. Hang in there, it gets easier and you will figure it out
I asked my husband the other day the same question.. How do people do it? How do they get everything done?! And his response… “They don’t!”
At first I wanted to slap him, but then I wanted to hug him. I think he’s right! Sometimes our expectations are too high..and you’re right, Pinterest doesn’t help, but just think – on the other side of the picture, the rest of that person’s house is probably just as messy as mine…and I can hope that maybe it’s even messier than mine! 🙂
THANK YOU for writing this. I get no pleasure from the fact that you are failing (which you aren’t….not REALLY. Your child won’t remember once eating a dirty banana off the floor and your husband will forget the occasional peanut butter sandwich). But I so appreciate the dose of reality. I live in a dirty foreign city. I am 32 years old. I have been married for 8 years. My husband’s family is southern baptist, of course. I KNOW what I haven’t done yet–I haven’t settled down, had the babies, stayed at home, been Christian enough, and all. I dreamed of Friday nights after work, sipping cocktails, and traveling. I’m doing it all, and yet I get so caught up in these blogs with these snapshots of lives in big houses, DIYing–all the things I can’t do. I don’t regret any of my choices and there are babies ahead of me, dammit. But it is SO nice to see that just as the one-time allure of business meetings and heels all day wears thin, so the allure of chubby baby cheeks and home-cooked meals. The grass is always greener until someone lets you see that grass, all of it, is just grass. Sometimes green, sometimes brown…but just grass.
Oh girl-singin’ my song! Been there so many times. I have three kids and am a full- time high school teacher. I feel like I’m failing all the time. It does get better. Life has peaks and valleys. The key is not to give in to the despair and the feelings of failure. Remember to take it one day at a time. Heck, sometimes I have to go one hour at a time to survive. Praying for you! Thais for sharing. Makes me feel like I’m not the only crazy one. 😉
I’m a stay at home mom too and my husband is a student and works in the evenings so often I have my 1 one year old all day and into the night and I work from home as well. I don’t have family nearby so I’d recommend, like others have said, you try to work out something like once a week or once every two weeks someone coming over to watch Will all day while you clean/work/relax, etc.
When Jeremy’s home be sure to take advantage and let him watch Will. What has helped me with dinner because I, like you, am pregnant and tired and couldn’t get it together, was that I cooked tons of food in advance and froze it. Some I put together and stick in the crockpot in the morning and some I make, like casseroles, and freeze and we pull it out in the evenings. It has made life monumentally easy and except for an irritating day of doing it, it is totally painless.
If he plays well outside, bring your laptop and edit pictures out there. One thing that will help you while pregnant is to nap while he naps. That’ll break up your day and give you the energy to keep going.
Also, now might be a good time to evaluate all you have on your plate and see if it’s actually feasible or not. The blog is a business, your photography is a business, a 2 year old is work, and a newborn will be more work. Maybe you have to really get organized or pull back a little. Could you write a lot of posts at once and then time them to come out every few days, etc. so that you aren’t constantly working from a backlog? I think the key here is planning/organization and then you’ll be able to rest easier.
You aren’t alone and what has worked for me is praying specifically for direction during my day. I pray “God please show me the perfect way for my daughter and me to do xxx and the times and give me a divine idea.” Every step of the way He has given me something, someone has given me a book that has turned things around in our routine, someone has suggested something that was like a light bulb, etc. He will help you if you are juggling balls that He has given you!!!! I often think my friends who work full time actually have it a lot easier than I do, but I wouldn’t change it!
I can totally relate. About a month after my twins were born, my husband started working out of a different office for his company…an hour away. So I was handling newborn twins about 12 hours a day with no family in the area. It was hard, its still hard, and I still feel like a totally inadequate mother.
But of course you have the blog which I know is a lot of work. So mad props to you on that! I wish you the best with your pregnancy journey and figuring it all out, which you will. 🙂
God bless 🙂
I don’t have children but you inspire me. You inspire people by being you and real. You are completely honest about how you are feeling. This may seem odd, but this shows me that maybe I could be a mom. Watching my niece made me feel like this and she was about Will’s age when I watched her. It is horrible to say but the experience scared me away from having kids for a while and only in the last year or so have I started to warm up to the idea.
Thank you for being you and being honest.
I think it’s ironic that pinterest makes you feel bad… you’re probably one of the people that makes other people feel badly about themselves 🙂 What I’m getting at is that everyone has their areas in which they feel like they’re “failing”… including every single person with an impressive-looking project on pinterest. You’ll hit your rhythm!
ahhh this had me laughing out loud. this sounds like my life every day! sometimes, it’s just like that. when you have two, and more, you will let some things slide and learn to live with it, even embrace it. being a mama isn’t about being perfect, and one of the best things any mom can do is make time for herself. healthy happy mama makes for healthy happy kids.
don’t panic- it’ll get a little harder when the new baby comes because more things will have to slide and there will be another little body making its own demands. but it’ll get easier too, because you’ll feel less guilty about being efficient when you’ve got a new snuggle bug in your arms. and sooner than you’d think it was possible, those two are going to be playing together and keeping each other occupied, freeing up the mama to get stuff done!
until then, i’ll pray for you! :]
Oh, Katie. I’m another lady from the “no kids yet” boat and I have to say that you are an inspiration… that whole feeling like you’re failing at life? Oh yeah, I’m there everyday and I have practically zero responsibilities. *No* judgement coming your way, believe me.
You are a talented writer, blogger, photographer, craftress (that’s a word, right? is now.), mom and wifey…everyone can see that. That’s why we all love reading whatever you post, whenever you post. You’re also allowed to feel overwhelmed in your situation…I mean, for real, who wouldn’t? Thanks for being real. We can all relate on some level 🙂
You are not failing! It’s ok to feel a little overwhelmed at times. It will get easier.
Fee
You know what? It’s okay. Seriously, it’s fine. You will get through this, and so will Jeremy and Will. Some seasons are tougher than others, and this is definitely a rough one for you.
If you had a friend in the same situation, you’d remind her that sometimes, the only way out is through, and tell her to not be so hard on herself, that she was doing what she could and that change is never easy! (Neither are toddlers. Or pregnancy.) Remember to give yourself the grace you’d give to others. It’s not easy, (And OH, I know it’s not easy, says the type-A perfectionist ENTJ), but it’s really the best thing you can do for your sanity.
I’ll give you advice that one of my SIL’s gave me: Will will probably not remember this time. So, don’t stress too much. I’m not saying to neglect him, but if you feed him PB&Honey for 2/3 meals, he probably won’t care. He also won’t remember that the house was a mess for a few months or that you were too tired to color one day. Maybe you could leave him some of those little snack tubs around (to avoid the banana problem) or put a box of crackers on a lower shelf.
You are pregnant and your body needs energy to grow this baby. Let it do what it needs. Maybe you could call your mom or your sister to come and help or to take Will every once in a while.
It will get better! When my husband was away alot and I was having a tough time with two babies I thought it would never end and I couldn’t do it. Now I’m out the other side I realise it was a phase and all phases end. It might not feel like it at the time but they do. This is temporary.
Two things that helped me were: routine – I’d cook one big meal on sunday and pretty much keep it going all week (spag bol that i would turn into chili, enchilados etc), then i didn’t have to think about creating a meal at the end of the day when i least felt like it.
The other was meeting up with other people. I made sure we did something everyday that involved others, whether it was inviting people over, mums and tots groups, baby gym or music group. I had a group of about six other mums and we pretty much saw each other every week day. Life-saver. Find that group!
You will get through this 🙂
I agree with the commenter above – you have set so high standards for yourself! I was always amazed how can you do everything that you do, take care of Will, take care of that huuuge house, paint furniture, work outside, photograph, blog – average mamas like myself do only tiny tiny fractions of that! How I wish I could do more a day and I’m trying. Anyway, it is no suprise a hard time for you, being pregnant with an energic toddler is more than enough alone and it’s must be huuge change that Jer is away – you have every reason to feel overwhelmed. Take easy on yourself, you guys will find out how the new reality works, you just need some adjustment time. It will get better! 🙂
Aw Katie I’ll be praying! You are not alone though! Are you keeping the same bed schedule as Jeremy? If you go to bed at ten and get up around the time Jeremy leaves that could free up a little time for you, while Will sleeps.? I dont know how early Will wakes up, but thats a possibility. Maybe you could figure out times to clean and pick up, like when Will naps? You could see how much cleaning you get done in that amount of time. Just some ideas..? Have you thought about finding a playgroup with other moms to join? That could get you some adult time and be really benificial for Will to play with other toddlers. Oh and food, have you looked at Pioneer Womans recipes before? They are all mostly really easy, to make and turn out great everytime. Just trying to give you some ideas…We all struggle alot, everyday is certainly not perfect. Not by a long shot! Maybe just try and experiment with daily schedules til you find one that works for you. You can do it Katie!
Thessalonians 5:16-18
Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.
Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Psalm 120:1
I call on the LORD in my distress, and he answers me.
🙂
You’re not failing, you’re human! And, no doubt, hormonal!
Honey, you are ONE, and you expect from yourself to do a job of FOUR people in one day. Accept that it cannot be done, specially when you’re pregnancy tired, and need more pampering and rest yourself.
I know what’s it like to be at home alone with two kids the whooooole day (by 7 pm I can’t stand to see them any longer, no matter how much I adore them both), and I was always wondering how DO you manage to squeeze in repainting your rooms AND going for photoshoots. Sorry, AND writing a blog, AND making some food for your family! My almost 2yr old son is a full time job, he’s so active I’m not supposed to peel my eyes off of him for a second, he’s always into some mischief and I fret he’ll hurt himself.
My mom helps me – she comes every day around noon to cook lunch and stays till 5pm. That’s when I can turn my attention more to cleaning, or going to the shops or doing errands around town. Still, she can also cook lunch WITH my son “helping” – it takes a bit longer and more attention and patience, but he gets amused and the lunch gets cooked eventually. I avoid it because I can’t pay attention on two things at the same time. I manage to iron clothes while he plays in the same room, but the ironing stops when he suddenly wants to do it (I don’t let him because it’s HOT-HOT-DANGEROUS). I feel ashamed when the house is dirty, but when I’m cleaning it I tend to become a not-now-son-mommy’s clening type and that feels awful too. All my friends who are mothers too understand that and I feel ok inviting them for coffee even with some crumbs on the floor.
My advice – you need HELP. Get as much as you can. Unless you have someone who watches over Will for 5-8 hours a day, I don’t see how you can continue the photographing job (and so much blogging). Hire a cleaning lady once per week. Ask your mom and sister to come over and help you whenever or however they can. Even if all they do is bring a finished lunch and iron for half an hour is much help. Also, playdates are great, like one mom said. I found out the least stressful for me is to either visit someone or bring 5-20 people into my house, because then it’s all very interesting to my little son, and he only watches from the side and follows the crowd, content and amused (when we are alone, I guess it’s all too well known and boring so he invents crazy stuff).
Also, sleeping from 10pm til 7am is good for you (I was sleepy all the time when I was pregnant). Embrace it as your “together time” with your family (what to do).
Courage girl!
You are normal. It’s just me & my husband. I work 12 hours. One day a week he works one night & I get so upset that he won’t have dinner ready when I get home. Like seriously I’m a capable adult. I’m an ICU nurse who saves lives. After a long day I just want to go home, do not pass go. I don’t want to stop to pick up dinner. Dishes are piled in the sink, laundry is overflowing the basket and dust bunnies are growing every where.
Thanks for keeping it real!
Katie- my son is 7 weeks old and my husband’s commute is only 45 minutes on a bad day, yet I completely understand and regularly experience everything you mentioned! I’m going to email him this with only “what she said” added, just like your breast feeding post (except I only made it two weeks with that). You do deserve mom of the year and that post is your proof! Don’t let your new schedule and the crazy it offers convince of anything different. Also- I find labor breathing helpful in lots of situations.
Being a sahm is literally the hardest, best, worst job in the world! And I totally understand everything you are going thru! I am 29 and had 3 kids in 3.5 years! My youngest is not quite 5 mos. It’s HARD!!! We stay in Pjs all day, eat way too much fast food, yell, lose patience, make messes, the list goes on. And I would bet you any amount of money that my house is messier than your house. The other day I took a shower, cleaned my bathroom and cooked dinner all in the same day and I felt like superwoman!! Every time I vent to my BFF, she says, “you need a job!”. Haha! She works part time and it’s a break for her!
And ps – I so feel you on your son wanting only your husband!!! My son is the same way and it really hurts my feelings. I know I sound like a whiney baby, but it’s true. Totally hurts my feelings.
I love your honesty…I love that you put yourself out there completely uncensored for others to see…I love that you’re normal. But mostly I just want you to know that you’re still a rock star!
I hope you get a lot of love in response to your post. You are certainly not alone, and yes, it gets easier, but the hard truth is that you are in a hard season of life right now. That’s all there is to it. And if we have kids then we’re all there at some point. I agree that you should take any help you can get, but in the meantime just know that you’re NOT failing, you are doing your best, and that’s all you can ask of yourself. Don’t let Pinterest or the blog-reading world pressure you into thinking you are inadequate or have to be more. You’re a gem, and your family is blessed to have you, and you are blessed to have them. Cherish the sometimes few-and-far-between golden moments this season gives you and just get through the rest. You’ll make it!
No, you are not failing. I must say I look up to you and all stay at home moms. How do you do it? I can’t even imagine. After going back to work three months ago I realized I love my job much more than before – imagine – I can read an e-mail uninterrupted. Go to the toilet by myself. Finish my sandwich. I had to stay home with my girl this week because she was ill and by Thursday I was done. I couldn’t handle it any more. So I begged coerced my mother to take the day off work today so I wouldn’t be alone with my kid. Go figure. (btw – I never read anything about that in any ‘what to expect’ type of book…)
So I cannot tell you if it gets better, because I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel yet, but I can tell you that you’re doing a great job. I’m in awe at all that you manage to accomplish. It may look little to you, but in comparison – I am thrilled if I unload the dishwasher and have not lost my mind ten times by 2pm. My hat off to you.
No I don’t think you’re failing at all, just overwhelmed with so much. I am a SAHM to a sweet 19 month old girl and it can get quite tough and many times I can feel quite isolated. But lately we have started doing regular playdates with the moms and babies in our neighborhood and it gives me something to look forward to and takes a nice hour and half chunk out of the day. My daughter loves it and I get a chance to chat to the moms. I was also thinking of starting a moms prayer group, a place where moms don’t have to worry if their kids make a noise and where we can have a place to support and pray for each other. You are probably also needing some Me-time. Its amazing how sometimes when I take some time on my own to think, pray or watch a fun movie (even on my own!) how good I feel when I get back. Also maybe consider being easier on your self with blogging updates – you may just need to take a nice long break for a while without any pressure. Thinking and praying for you!!!
You are not failing. This is hard work. Have you considered a part time daycare for will. It would be great for his social skills and give you a little break. He doesn’t have to go 5 days a week, but maybe two or three hours two to three times a week? It would help! I promise he will become more independent with time.
Katie, my oldest is 20 and I still have days….heck weeks like that!! My husband works 12 hours a day with an hour commute so I only see him two days a week. I don’t think you get used to it but you eventually adapt. I’ve been a stay at home mom for 20 years and I still think I suck at it!!
You seem to be much more patient than I was and you run a business and this blog, even if you don’t feel it, you are AWESOME!!
It’s ok, sweetie, we’ve all been there (or are still there!). Frankly I’m in awe that you managed to do so much up to now. I could never have run a business, ablog and a house at your stage of life. It was all I could do to stay awake during the first trimester of my 2nd pregnancy, & I had a one year old toddler as well – I probably (definitely) wasn’t a great mother during that time, but he’s nearly 17 now & is a fabulous kid, so no harm done! Give yourself a break, ask friends & family for help when you need it, GET ENOUGH SLEEP, prioritise, & if something less important has to give then don’t feel bad about it. The most important job you will ever have is nurturing your kids & to do that you also need to nurture yourself and your marriage. I speak as someone who failed at the second part & who really was a single mum for a while. As much as I would miss your blog, we would all understand if you needed to take a break, or scale it down a bit, you need to do what’s best for you & your family. Tough times, babygirl, but we’re all with you in spirit!
We all feel your pain, whether we’re SAHMs or working outside the house moms. It get better, trust me. It’ll get worse for a while once baby arrives, but with each milstone for the new baby, it will get better. And when the baby is about 18 months old, it gets really better since that’s when they can play with some intentional interaction. You’ll be able to cook dinner in realative peace. Before you know it, you’ll be able to sneak a quick shower. Hang in there, we’re all in the trenches with you! The days are long but the years are short.
It gets better!!! Your body will adjust to the new routine. It takes a while for that adjustment! You are a wonderful Mom, I could see it in your blogs the past couple of years. My husband recently had to travel for work every week gone mon-fri and I thought I would never adjust. Hated being home alone at night, couldn’t sleep, and I would get mad at him for being away although it wasn’t his fault. Took me a few weeks but I got used to it. I even use those nights to catch up on things I didn’t before.
I have definitely felt the same way some days! But it’s fine to put the kid in front of the TV for 30 minutes so you can have your sanity back by checking email, blogging, showering, peeing without interruption (the biggest problem at my house), you name it. Check out local daycares too for more time alone so you can work, go grocery shopping… or through a church maybe. Every parent needs a break. Take one!!!
You are not failing. When my son was about 18 months my hubs took a job an hour and a half commute from our house and because of traffic some days his drive was three hours one way. I thought I was going to lose my mind. The house was a disaster. Food? I couldn’t cook it or procure it. I was exhausted. My little boy was so active, I was spending all my energy on keeping him from safe and out of harm’s way. By the time bed time rolled around for my little guy I was ready too. It’s not pretty. I never wore make up. My nails were never kept well, my outfit choices were a bit questionable. I usually looked like I just fell out of a lawn bag. So I understand how you feel. Try Focus on the good stuff. Do what you can. You are only human.
It’s just a transition, you will find balance and it will be fine once again. I hear you though and I only have dogs.
I hear ya girl! Being home alone with the little ones is NOT easy. It’s downright exhausting. I feel like I run around my house all day long not gettimg anythong done because my baby has goven me a scatter brain.
Take your time. We’ll still be here.
Ps: It’s perfectly ok to not like your kids sometimes 🙂
You are such an honest person, Katie and I am so glad to see only comments of support for you. As many have said, you will get through this. I think the key is “schedule/structure.” Being a mom that worked outside the home full-time with three kids, I was more of a flies-by-the-seat-of-my-pants person (and it worked for me that way), but other moms I knew had very strict schedules for their children and it seemed to work. Pinterest has some great ideas for schedules/activities throughout the day. Next idea,if you don’t already have one, invest in a crock pot, there are AMAZING meals you can complete in just that, and you won’t have to spend more time preparing it than it does to throw everything in together and turn it on (might have to cut or chop a little but it is easy). Google or go to Pinterest for some recipes–you won’t regret it and if nothing else gets done, at least you will feel good at the end of the day sitting down to a great meal with your husband when he gets home. Good luck, and it will get better. Don’t beat yourself up. We’ve all been there (I’m still there a lot of times being a full-time working mom with 2 teens and 1 preteen), anyone that wants to say they’ve never been there, well, either they have a nanny/housekeeper or they are fibbing (just kidding–I have heard the term Super Mom, but just like Super Man, Spider Man, Bat Man–there’s probably only one hiding somewhere waiting to come to the rescue of all of us Moms. Take care.
Sorry for the typos! It’s 4am and I’m doing my middle of the night pump-fest.
Oh Katie, you are not alone at all!!! I too recently had the phone call to my husband (who leaves the house at 6:15am and comes home at 8pm most days) about how I can’t be a stay-at-home mom because it’s too much. And I too yell at him for trying to help. Ugh men, always trying to fix things 🙂 anyway I read something that day that said (and im summerizing) if the dishes are piled up and there are clothes to be washed, then it was a good day. You’re not perfect. Moms yell and get frustrated and forget stuff and run out of time constantly. It’s an all day every day job and it can get old. Fast. We are so critical of ourselves that we forget that we are human and yes, FEEL like a failure. YOU ARE NOT FAILING. Moms get up the next day and do it all over again. You will get there Katie. I’m still working on this “mom journey” – its hard and annoying at times but I’ve learned to stop and look at what’s really important and that’s my baby girl (she’s almost 18 months). She can’t judge me or be critical, she just wants my time and love, and an occasional meal, which she spits out anyway 🙂 ahh toddler phases. Change is so hard, but as long as you stay present and stay open you will be ok. YOU WILL BE OK 🙂
xo
you are SOOOOOOOOOO not alone! we all feel this way sometimes. and sometimes its all the time! dont feel bad. its a lot being a stay at home mom AND youre brewing another baby now. that adds a whole nother level of frustrationandbeingslaptiredalltheflippintime.
give yourself a break…take lots of deep breaths.
🙂
You aren’t failing…as you can see by all of these comments we all feel this way. Sometimes I feel like this and I don’t even have children yet! And did you notice how much you wrote about all the things that are upsetting you? And then you quickly mentioned a sentence on at least the same number of things you love that are going on right now. Focus on those things! I’m sure it will get easier…but my heart goes out to you… don’t’ know if I could ever hack it as a stay at home mommy. See? I feel inadequate about stuff too…it’s normal!
Dont even come close to considering yourself a failure…until you have told your kids they suck. Yes you heard me. I actually did that – NOT a proud parenting moment. My kids are 10, 7 and 5. The 10 year old is such a rule follower, always has been. He is like a 3rd parent to the younger two. My middle child…oh my his ENTIRE goal in life is to have a good time, no matter the costs. And lastly we come to my sweet 5 year old daughter. Sweet, until you tell her “No” and then the gates of hell open and the demons are unleashed! Well, one day about 2 months ago, they were all at it…for hours…days really! the weather had been nasty, everyone was cranky and had a post-christmas hangover…and at the end of yet another yelling session….I said to my kids “you know what? You suck! you are making this day miserable for all of us!” and as the words were escaping my mouth, I am in utter shock! I mean I cant say that I never curse, but RARELY around my children and NEVER to them! Uh I wound up crying, my husband consoling me, and my eldest child laughing. My point is… You are not failing, you are just stuggling to find a balance with the new schedule and realities of the day…. Give yourself some slack! We will be here! oh and I for one dont mind a post or too without your pictures looking so perfect! Makes me feel better 🙂 Ha!
You are not failing…your post reminded me of this other post I read the other day (http://powerofmoms.com/2012/04/your-children-want-you/). Your family just wants you…even if that’s an emotional, tired, hormonal you….not a perfectly clean house or an award winning blog….just you!!! Praying for God’s peace, comfort, and patience as you navigate this new “normal.”
Katie- I know how you feel (short of the mommy part). I have no children and my house is always a mess, I have cat and dog hair on my socks all the time (not to mention the couch/chair). I feel like I am always in chaos. My poor, loving husband does the same thing as Jeremy- makes a sandwich after working late, because I have been working or trying to do school work and haven’t made supper. I rarely have people over because the house is a disaster. I bought picture frames over the last year, have them hung (yay!) and yet to put a picture in any of them :S My husband finally put his foot down and said no more frames until I get the other ones filled. haha. My vacation days usually end up being used to clean/DIY/complete projects. Then everything is better for a month or two. Things will work themselves out once you and Jeremy get on a new routine. Just keep thinking of the benefits of the smooth face 😉
You’re not failing! Don’t compare your “behind the scenes” with others’ “opening night.” I tell myself that almost daily! You don’t see many other moms feel this way because not many people put it out there. You just see their finished copy while you’re still staring at your rough draft.
It helps me on days I feel SO unbelievably behind to get just ONE thing done. I get the living room vacuumed, or the dishwasher running. Every so often I get up before my son does too and speed clean, answer emails, etc. I can’t do it often because I need that hour of sleep most days, but sometimes it gives me a little head start.
Find some slow cooker meals and throw everything in there in the morning (or have Jeremy do it before he leaves), and you’ll have a yummy meal that tastes like you spent hours on it by dinner time. Ingredients are usually simple so the store could be quick! Also, while Jeremy is home on the weekends make a bunch of snacks for Will and bag them up so when he needs one you can grab it 🙂
DATE NIGHT!! Sounds like you need one 😉
So we’ve never met but I just want to give you a big old hug. 🙂 Yes, it will get better. And you will adjust and change, too. Sometimes the enemy is that little word, *should*. Banish it for a bit.
I would very, very seriously see if a local in-home daycare would have an opening for a couple hours a few days a week or see if your church has a mommy-morning-out program. Will will enjoy playing with the children and you will get a much-needed break.
Good luck. I’m cheering for you!!
Also…as far as pinterest is concerned: http://powerofmoms.com/2012/04/your-children-want-you/
Read that. You’re doing great…pretty soon you’ll agree with us all I promise!
Katie, I have no idea what motherhood is like, but I can tell you that I used to Nanny after school for neighbors when I was in High School. Maybe you could look into getting someone to come over in the afternoon to give you a break for, groceries, blogging, photo shoots, whatever you need to get done (even if it’s just to get away an do you for a couple hours). It could be a great refresher! Nobody should judge you on how you raise your kids. You’re a busy woman trying to juggle a photography business, blogging AND being a full-time stay at home mom whose husband works late hours. You need some “me” time lady!
You are not failing! You are doing the best you can and you just have probably too much on your plate right now. Just remember that family comes first before any of that other stuff including the blog. Also it sounds like this is a time of transition and those are always the worst times to have a lot you have to do. Will and you are trying to adjust to Jeremy not being home. You will get adjusted.
I know exactly how you feel. My baby girl is almost 5 months old and I feel like I will never get out from under the piles of dishes and laundry. You know the ones from the first few weeks of having a newborn when you do nothing but feed the baby and sleep (shower optional). I’m constantly throwing stuff into our guest room/office when people come over and dirty dishes sit on top of our dryer. Neither of those rooms people go into. Everyone says ‘ it’s okay you have a baby, we understand’. That never makes me feel any better about it. Did I mention my husband leaves for work at 8 in the morning and doesn’t get home until well after 9? I just have to remember a sign that was in my moms house when I was little. It says ‘Please excuse the mess, the kids are having fun.’
Girl. Get. Out. Of. The. House. You are NOT failing, and there is NOTHING worse than feeling hostage … much less feeling hostage with NO OTHER adults. Put him in the car, get to target, pay the $1.29 for a drink and popcorn for him to munch on in the basket of the cart and don’t pay any attention to the massive amount of popcorn that is continuously falling through the cart. Once the popcorn isn’t cutting it, go to the matchbox aisle and get a $0.99 matchbox car. Hopefully you’ll be able to squeeze 45 mins of you time in there – well worth the $3.30.
Also, hook up with roomba vacuum somehow and get them to send you some kind of freebee! Done. and Done. 🙂
No, but seriously, do it. You’re doing great, you’re not failing, and the moms on pinterest who can get things done probably have children in pre-school.
I know this is going to sound a bit harsh, but Katie Bower put your big girl panties on! You wanted a successful blog, a photography business, a huge house, and another baby. And now that you have it, you don’t want the responsibility of everything all at once. It sucks that Jeremy now has a long commute but many people would jump at the chance to commute if it meant a job and subsequent paycheck. Now it’s time to stand on your own and see what your really made of. You’ll soon find that some things that mattered so much before, no longer register as important in your life. Pinterest (and blogs in general) are the devil. They are created to provide inspiration/insight but will only ever leave you feeling inadequate as a wife/mother/person. Stop aiming for someone else’s perfection and seek out your own happiness. Make a list of things that you aim to accomplish in a day and rate them by importance. Start at 1 and work your way down the list. You won’t get everything done but sitting on the couch feeling bad for yourself won’t get everything done either. Your not only making yourself feel bad, your making Jeremy feel bad and Will is going to feed off of that. Create a schedule for Will that he can follow so he knows what his day is going to look like-kids thrive on routine. You can find some ideas here: http://iheartorganizing.blogspot.com/p/free-printables.html
Set your priorities and give 110% of yourself and you’ll soon find that things will get done and everyone will be happier.
Hang in there! You are not failing! I emailed myself this quote from Oprah’s Lifeclass earlier this week and thought you might find it helpful:
“I don’t know any perfect people, but I know many who worry about being perfect. They exercise religiously and serve their families home-cooked organic free-range Tofurky recipes. They are unbearable.
I love the Buddhist concept of enlightenment as living without anxiety over imperfection. You can strain every fiber of your being trying to be flawless, only to face inevitable failure—or you can stop worrying about perfection, which instantly makes everything feel great. Save time and tofu: Choose option two.
Read more: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/How-to-Stop-Worrying-Advice-for-Worrywarts/2#ixzz1sQb0lkaG”
Do not doubt yourself or feel guilty about your feelings. You are allowed to be upset and feel overwhelmed. I hope today is a better day for you 🙂
Every mom seems to go through it at sometime. My husband worked nights when my second was born so basically I did just enough to survive those first couple months. I was always tired during my pregnancies so all I ever wanted was a nap on top of a nap. I with I had a good excuse now but I do not and my house is still a wreck. The second one is tough, you have a whole other little person that needs all of your attention this time around. Cut yourself some slack.
<3 While I am married, I don't have kids… I give you credit because I'm too scared to have any because I struggle with juggling a job, gym, dogs, and my husband on a daily basis
Another longtime reader, first time commenter here. Bless your heart, Katie Bower. My husband and I haven’t been able to have kids yet, but whenever I see my friends with their kids, I think … how in the heck do they do it? And almost all of them say that they’re exhausted all of the time. They all feel like they’re failing, too, whether it’s because their house doesn’t look as great as they want it to look or whether it’s because they’re working moms and feel guilty about the time they spend away from their little ones.
But know this–Will looks happy. He looks like a happy kid. Jeremy looks happy, too. And that shows that you’re (as Charlie Sheen would say) winning. 🙂
Sending happy thoughts and the power of prayer your way, girl!
Oh katie-its okay. You are not failing just frazzling. I have a husband who works 90 miles from home and often gets stuck with double shifts so doesn’t get home for 2 days so I feel your pain. My twins are 8 now so I am over the hurdles you describe and can tell you it doesn’t last forever. You will survive and all of you will be okay, especially your little ones. When my 2 were Wills age very little got done but what helped was a strict schedule. People would joke that you could set a very slow watch by our day-hehe. And the CROCKPOT is a life saver! I would get them settled first thing in the morning with some show and a little drink and food, pop everything in the pot (meat can even be frozen)-10 minutes later idinner was going and at least if nothing else got done I knew we would at least eat:). Lovely pinterest has tons of crockpot recipes. Breath deep, say a little prayer before you get out of bed and do your best-not perfection-your best. You would not hold it against Will if he was not perfect all the time because you love him and he only wants your best too-not perfection. God is with you and will not let you fall.
I just wanted to say that I am so very thankful that you’re so authentic and willing to share the bad along with the good. I think a lot of bloggers tend to only publish the good in their lives, which makes the rest of us feel terribly inadequate. Not that I want you to go through bad times, but it’s very comforting to know that everyone has their ups as well as their downs. It will get better and know that everything in life is ebb and flow. Don’t be so hard on yourself! You have lots of people cheering you on! 🙂
Aww, Katie! I yelled at my kids constantly when they were toddlers (still do and they are good kids so don’t go changing). I did get them into a preschool a couple days a week) I would spend those few precious hours sitting at Kroger Starbucks using their Wifi to work. Darla Shine’s Happy Housewives book helped me get on a cleanng/cooking schedule. I also learned the benefits of a crock pot. It’s okay. You are just in the thick of it. You aren’t alone.
Oh Katie! I’m sure that you’ve got lots of encouragement in those comments up there, but any Mom will tell you that there are a million times a day that we feel totally inadequate – especially when we start comparing ourselves to other people. Forget about Pinterest! I feel like this every time my husband goes on a business trip at a minimum. Things do get better – Will will be able to help with things as he gets older. He’ll be able to play more independently (even inside). You will still be tired, and probably feel like you’re failing, but remember to keep taking a step back and look at all the things you are doing right (like the end of the post). You can do it!
PS If you want Darla’s book zip me an email–I’ll send you my copy.
You are not alone. Reading your post made me tear up to the point i am thankfull I have a full time job and am not stuck at home with my 20 month old…
Sometimes when I feel like that I do one of two things; 1- I drop everything I am doing, get a cup of ice cream, heavy on the caramel topping and sit down with a list pad. Then I work out a plan to tackle what I need to do. 2- I have a pep-talk with myself, and highlight all the good things being achieved, and then point what needs to be improved…it’s not crazy talk, its good that you get in tune with yourself, make realistic goals and set a personal idea of how things should be- what you’re working towards, and prioritize.
did I mention I am 5 months preggers too? it’s hard, but you out of all of us, can do it.
I FEEL YOUR PAIN! I have three kids, and it is so overwhelming sometimes. There have been days when I called my mom to tell her I wanted to run outside screaming and set myself on fire because it would be better than what was going on at home.
My house is rarely perfect, dinner is sometimes late, I yell more than I like. That’s just… life.
The only things I can say is the adjustment period is the hardest, and you do get used to it, things start to run a little more smoothly. Learn to make some meals ahead of time on weekends when your husband is home that can be frozen for later and just reheated. There is a website called Motivated Moms that does chore charts for moms. You have a few things to clean each day and it makes it so manageable. I recommend it to everyone.
Hang in there. You aren’t failing. Everyone feels like this sometimes.
Thank you for sharing! Because what Pinterest is to you – the impossible standard that induces feelings of guilt so powerful that you actually consider leaving your family so that they can find a replacement because even a one armed baboon could take care of them better – yes, what Pinterest is to you, YOU are to some if us! And this is a compliment – I honestly love to come read your posts and see how beautiful everything looks, and then when I get home and look around MY dump, think, “How does she do it?”. So realize that you are inspiration to many people, and sharing the ugly side makes us all feel a lot better. You’ll find your groove, and never ever feel bad for having a moment or a hundred where you don’t like your kid. They’re all animals, and it is our job to make them lovable and human. Women who always smile sweetly and declare all children “blessings” and swear that they’ve never raised their voices or punished their kids? They are the ones who drown everoyne in the bathtub, and they are never to be trusted.
Plus, for every bad habit kids grow out of, they pick up two or three new. It compounds exponentially. Hang in there!
you are so not alone. When my husband is later then his usual 5:30, my patience are done and I want him home right that second.
You are not failing at all. All moms can do is be the best they can. Your house is a mess, well so is mine. And when I do get time to clean it (rare) my dogs make a mess again with muddy paws and Mason drools or throws food on the ground, which sticks really well for weeks on end. The internet is dangerous for our self esteem, especially pinterest. I wrote a post the other day that put a link to an article you should read over and over.
The article is “power of moms” its linked right above the picture of my son. Read it. You need it.
http://kampenrestoration.blogspot.ca/2012/04/long-time.html
I could say everything everyone else has already said, but they’ve already said it all. So I’ll leave you with this. “This to shall pass!” I promise!! 🙂 Saying a prayer for you!
Have you tried maybe finding some other moms around, so you can get together and have some adult time while the kids play??
I dont even know how to entertain a kid for 5 minutes, let alone 12 hours! Id go nuts!
I highly recommend waking up at the same time as your husband in the morning. If you’re waking up almost two hours after he does, it’s no surprise that you guys are on totally different night time schedules. I am not a morning person at all. But if I didn’t get up when my wife does (I’m the stay at home parent and she goes to work), we would see each other a lot less. I make her breakfast while she gets ready for the day (it’s usually scrambled eggs – sometimes I get fancy and cut up an apple to have on the side), we get to sit down and eat together. It isn’t quite a nice dinner, but it’s a meal.
Also, I feel you on the being stuck at home all day thing. It’s enough to make anyone crazy. I try to implement a get-out-once-per-day rule for myself. I don’t care what we do or where we go, we just have to leave the house once. It helps keep me sane, and if I do it in the morning, my son’s afternoon nap gets way, way longer – like three hours long. That’s a lot of time to sit back and do non-mommy things.
I don’t know if it gets better. It is just hard. I think the best we can do is get better at adapting.
oh man, I feel ya! you aren’t failing by any means, but i know that feeling. It is so hard, and I am not even a SAHM. You got to step back from all your ‘commitments’ (which i find are really the things you put on yourself and no one else has committed you to… who cares if blog photos arent edited!) and just have a few days of breathing and relaxing. I am also preg with my second and really pushed myself too hard. I have to remind myself that I need to slow down more (at the advice of my midwives when I had some bleeding from going too hard) and remember that my body and baby and toddler need me to be healthy. Time to go back to ‘being selfish’ and restful and let others things fail. Do a $300 grocery run and stock the house with easy to make meals and snacks. Take naps when Will does. I know it is hard, but time to release yourself from a too big of a list. Speaking of, I heard the advice once that everyday you should make a “not-going-to-do-today list” so you can write down all the things that you arent going to do today (clean the bathroom) and relieve that from your mind.
There’s nothing quite like Pinterest that will make you feel like you are failing at being a mom… I’m guilty of it too but just rememeber that it’s all an illusion. There’s no such think as being perfect. And it’s hard work growing a human so please don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s exponentially more difficult growing a human when you’re caring for a 2 year old at the same time! You’re not failing Katie:-) I’m not a SAHM but I am a single parent so I have the whole working mom guilt complex but now that she’s in pre-school I don’t feel so bad because she’s at school instead of daycare. But to tell you the truth when we are at home for 4 or 5 days I stop feeling so guilty. You’ve met my child (Mary) she drains me!!If I could bottle up her energy and sell it I would be a millionare:-) She just turned 5 and it’s a little better than when she was Will’s age but if I even think about going to the grocery store I feel a panic attack coming on:-) A little guilt is ok because it helps us strive to be better moms but don’t let it be the guiding force in your life!!
I went back to work three weeks after a c-section because my husband would not work. We divorced when my son was two and I raised him by myself. He is 30 now and I am proud of him. The point here is I would have given anything to have been to stay home with him but I never could. Please start looking at your cup as half full rather than half empty.
I SO appreciate your honesty. I don’t care what stupid people in the media say, a sahm is a FAR tougher job than many, MANY out there. I don’t have kids yet, and probably won’t be a stay at home mom for financial reasons, but I’m so amazed at how stay at home moms do it!! Even though our situations are different, I’ve definitely had times with very similar emotions you’re going through. I’ve found these scriptures so helpful during these times and hope they are encouraging for you now.
Phil 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
Luke 1:37 “For with God nothing is impossible.”
Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.”
Matt 11:28 “Come to me all who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.”
…Rest assured, you’re not alone, you will get through this, help is right where you need it, victory is yours through faith!
I’m sorry you are feeling so low!!! When we lived in GA my husband had an hour and half commute each way. I was working full time with a two year old and a one year old. His days off were usually during the week so we barely saw each other. I could barely function at work and at home. Now we have moved to MI to be closer to family and I am staying home. I have to tell you that this is the hardest transition I’ve ever made. I never ever realized how much work it is to stay home. My children are older now so more independent but also get into more mischief. I find myself losing my patience all the time. I get annoyed with the mess. I feel inadequate for not doing more activities with them. I don’t have dinner ready or even an idea of what to eat lots of nights. Lots of nights we eat frozen waffles and cereal. All this to say…staying home is hard work!!!! Just know that you are not failing!!! We have all felt this way. Pray and pray some more. You will get through this. Thinking about you 🙂
I wish I could come over and help you out…but I live in Michigan…and have a job…….
You are not failing – it’s just what life is throwing at you right now and you’ll figure it out. I’m sure you’ll hear this a few times, but God only gives you what you can handle. I know I certainly couldn’t do what you do on a daily basis – and have a little one to worry about as well.
Keep your chin up – this feeling will pass – you’re doing a great job!
Being a full time SAHM is the hardest job ever! Someone always wants your attention.
My suggestions. Don’t be afraid of letting him watch a movie or something. He can sit and chill and you can blog at the same time. That’s how I read your blog!
Also, use Sat/Sun to your advantage. Get meals in the freezer (good to have back ups with a newborn on the way), plan a menu and get your shopping done.
My hubby is gone past bedtime 2-4 nights a week depending on how busy the car business is that day. It’s not fun, but you find a way to make it all work. My house isn’t CLEAN, but it’s tidy. Also, try to get Will into cleaning. My girls hate the vacuum but love to sweep. My 5 year old likes to dust. There will be something he likes, I promise.
If you are lucky enough to have friends nearby with kids then trade sitting so you can have time to yourself. I don’t so kudos if you can arrange that!
It will get better, just remember we love you and will survive if you can’t post for a few days.
How I wish I lived near you and we were real life friends, I’d be there in a heart beat to be your assistant. I love your transparency. I feel this way often and I am a newly wed to a med student with no kids and a full time job. We may have different set ups but I never feel like I’ve got it all together. So glad we worship a God who does! Praying for you 🙂
Katie Bower.
You are not failing.
You are not failing.
You are not failing.
I would like you to take a deep breath and repeat those sayings to yourself.
I think you should give your girl Sherry a call and enjoy some adult-over-the-phonetime.
I am not a mom, but I know the days are coming and I know one day I will be exactly where you are. Beyond tired in every way. We support you if you want to take time away from the blog!! You need to take care of you. Girl, don’t even worry about your readers. If you need to sleep, then SLEEP.
I agree with the other comments about findin a Mom’s Day out, or maybe one of the grandparents could take him one morning/afternoon/night a week?
Praying for you.
I will be praying for you Katie. I’m sure it feels like everything is falling down around you, but remember you can do it. Just one step at a time. Don’t give up. God is with you.
I will chime in with everyone else. This is sometimes what it is like being the mom of a two year old. They are challenging little people! It is made all that more difficult when you are single parenting most of the time. Add pregnancy to the mix and you have the perfect storm. 🙂 It does get better! My kids are 22 months apart and now they play with each other. It is awesome! If mom doesn’t want to play- they play together. That is something for you to look forward to. They are 3 and 5 now. They are so much fun and I don’t have to be on top of them at all times. Hang in there!!
I think you just described every single stay-at-home mom. You need to allow yourself a transition time to try to figure out what works best for you now that Jeremy isn’t at home during the day. That’s a really hard thing to happen all at once. Not to mention, YOU’RE GROWING A HUMAN BEING!!! People often don’t realize how hard pregnancy is and how much it really zaps your energy and patience and everything else. I will pray for you, Katie. I hope you can find your “new normal” soon.
I think you are great! 🙂
Oh, honey. You are not failing. And guess what? We’ve all been there. I can remember those days well…wishing the days away until bedtime. It makes me sad that I wasted so much time doing that but that was how I felt. As Jeremey transitions through his new assignment, so does your family. You’ll adjust and make a new normal for yourselves. Trust. Trust. Trust. This too, shall pass. xoxox
Cut yourself some slack sister! Easier said than done, right? The internet can be a lonely place when every other Mommy out there seems to be sailing right through with perfectly entertained and well behaved children, an immaculate house, and a satisfied hubby with a full belly from the gourmet meals they have cooked for them. Well, I’m here to say that no one is that perfect. If they say they are, they’re lying bee-otches. And if they aren’t lying? Then they have a maid, a nanny, and a chef.
Pregnancy is HARD, especially when you have a toddler. I felt like the worst mom in the world while I was pregnant. My twins were born when Brennan was 22 months old. From the beginning of my second trimester til the twins were about 2 months old, I thought I was going to lose my mind. Everything drove me crazy. I couldn’t accomplish anything. I felt worthless.
But it got better. It’s still hard and I still don’t accomplish a ton, but it’s a little more manageable. And Brennan got older and matured a little. The twins are 8 months and Brennan is 2.5 and we’re surviving. While I was pregnant I had to do a lot of sitting around, so Brennan got used to playing independently so it wasn’t too hard of a transition once his brothers arrived. He was certainly whiny at first, but it was easier to deal with it then than once I had screaming newborns!
I think the biggest thing is that I finally lowered my expectations and cut myself a break. You can have a perfectly clean house and hot, home-cooked meals for the rest of your life if you want. Right now, just get through it. My daily goal is to make sure that everyone has something in their bellies, dry bottoms, they have a semi-clean living environment, and that they are LOVED. At the end of the day, those are the important things. 🙂 Hugs and prayers.
Katie we love you 🙂
Thank you for posting this. Sometimes the biggest lie we tell ourselves is that we’re the only ones struggling. I am a first time mom to a 9 week old little boy that I adore, but I have breakdowns at least every other night. Sometimes you feel like you’re just treading water, but we have to remember that it is a season and one day our little boys won’t need us like they do now. Praying for you, lady!
I’m so sorry you’re struggling. My husband’s job changed when I was 7 months pregnant and it was SO hard! He went from making his own hours to only being home on the weekend. This lasted until my daughter was 2 months old. It was difficult, but we just trusted God that He would do what was right for our family. Have faith 🙂
Katie, I too understand your dilemma. My hubby is a police officer and works wacky hours. I have a four year old and a one year old and work part time. It stinks being home all alone…I think of all the military wives and don’t know how they do it. I prayed and prayed my hubby would get a normal shift again..and after a year he finally did.. You do what you can to get through the day and realize the most important thing will needs is you..even if it’s little chunks of playtime with breaks to check email while he is contained coloring ect..I will pray that things will get easier for you and that you either adjust or that Jeremy’s job situation changes..God has a plan for you…
Please don’t call this failing. That makes me sad. This is life. We all have rough times no matter how blessed we are. I’m not a stay at home mom, but when I am home, I never feel like there is enough time in the day to get things done. I’ve had to learn to lower my standards for myself and the cleanliness of my home. No joke. I remember feeling that pressure of a clean home, meals, blah blah back when I didn’t have kids. I laugh at those times now. Seriously, take the pressure off of yourself. And when it gets to the point of “I can’t stand the crumbs on the floor anymore and we have nothing in the fridge” then ask for help. I have found that my husband doesn’t get it because he doesn’t feel that pressure. But when I explain to him how it makes me have anxiety until it is clean and I can’t be a happy wife until I get a little help…then that’s when he helps out. He’s figured out how taking stress off of me can really benefit him (if you know what I mean…wink, wink) And I laugh at my child-less friends who say they don’t have time to do something. I mean, really? AND, props to you for being a Stay At Home Working Mom. Not many people are cut out for that!
Hang in there. You will adjust. You are an awesome mom dealing with a lot of changes.
We have sandwiches for dinner at least twice a week and easy crock-pot meals or frozen pizza the other nights. Just one of the things I couldn’t keep up with.
I would also look into some Mom’s Morning out programs at Churches. Will may love it and it could give you like 3 hours alone.
You could NEVER be a failure
Katie, I’m not even a mom yet but you are my inspiration! Nobody is perfect. At least you can admit that! 🙂 You are loving and nurturing, and things will settle into a routine…someday. Don’t be hard on yourself! Ask for help- there is no shame in that. xoxo
I have never commented on your blog, and I know that everyone else is saying the same thing to you, but I felt like I needed to say it too … YOU ARE NOT FAILING, YOU ARE TOTALLY NORMAL!! 🙂 I have so been there. And I feel like I am there at least three times a week. It’s hard. And, your comment about Pinterest making you feel insufficent is funny, because I feel like that most of the time I read your blog, because you do awesome stuff!! So, see, everyone feels the same. Hang in there lady!
You will find your mojo once again, this I can promise you. When I found out I was preggo w/ my son (2006), I was a senior in x-ray school & I was working 2 jobs. Fast forward to the new year in 2008, I had a 9 month old at home & had just found out I was pregnant. I was working 2nd shift part-time (230-11pm) and the husband was gone for work by 4am. Somehow I muddled through it all – my kids are still alive, the house is SOMETIMES clean (very, very, very lived in). I work full time how, so the kids are at the sitter M-F which KILLS me, but somedays it is my only saving grace. They are 4 & soon to be 5 – and if I can do it, Lord knows you can do it.
What about trying a part time pre-school or day care, just for a few hours a day to get Will out of the house & to give you some much needed mommy time?
Keep your head up – it goes get better, eventually <3
hang in there katie. you’re not failing. but every mom feels that way sometimes…or a lot of times actually. i have four little ones and i’ve just learned to cling hard to Jesus and take one day at a time. i always ask Him to let the important stuff rise to the surface and try to let the other stuff go. the book, Jesus Calling has helped me SO MUCH. i read it first thing in the morning and it helps set the tone for our day. i’m praying for you, katie. blessings, sara
I have SOOO been where you are. We ALL have our rough times when we think we just can’t hack it. You have this standard set for yourself in your mind and you feel you’re not living up to it. Cut yourself a break and realize you’re growing a whole nother human being inside you and it takes massive amounts of your energy. And you’re doing everything on your own for a good part of the day. That would overwhelm anyone. IT WILL GET BETTER and IT WILL GET EASIER. I always think of the mantra “This too shall pass.” We get through the rough times and sometimes we have smooth sailing for a while and then some other type of difficulty comes. All you can do is take it one day at a time and don’t sweat the small stuff. As far as being impatient with your children, what parent doesn’t get irritated with their kids? As long as they know that they are loved no matter what. That is what counts. You’re not abusive or nasty to him, you just lose your cool sometimes. That is completely understandable and means you’re human:)
I don’t know you, but I enjoy reading your blog and just wanted you to know that I so can relate to what you’re going through right now. I’m sure many can relate and I can assure you that you’ll come out the other side of this even stronger and wiser than you are now. Hang in there!
You’re doing the best you can and that’s all a person can do. Sometimes we’re our own worst critics.
And why DOES Pinterest make me feel bad about myself? All those amazing pictures of living rooms that don’t have two inches of dog fur all over the furniture I’m guessing.
I’ve got a tip for you though…. right now I am 39 weeks (ack, eek!) and a few months ago I was having these shooting pains down my leg and in my butt cheeks. I went to this massage lady and while it was awkward at first, she used her elbow to massage my butt! She said it was “tight butt syndrome” and lots of preggo girls get it. It worked like a charm!
Her elbow is my new bestfriend.
Good luck to you as you figure things out. And you will figure it all out….. 🙂
I once read that parenting is 90% monotony and 10% joy. But isn’t that 10% just the most amazing thing? We are constantly bombarded with images of perfection all around us, but it’s tough in the real world where perfection comes in small, brief, everyday moments. It sounds like you are in the 90% at the moment. Hang in there, the 10% will be back soon. X
hey katie!
I don’t usually comment on the 50 million blogs i spend wasting my day away gaining inspiration from (the inspiration never seems to be implemented btw) while the laundry piles up and my children pretty much run wild and free all over my house. Its not that I don’t love the content of most of the stuff I find, but it usually doesn’t strike me to comment on another fabulous kitchen or living room. However, this here is real shit. I love how honest your posts are, you say what everyone else has felt at one time or another. Most people are too afraid to admit hardships in parenting, because of societies idea that mothers are unconditionally loving, superhuman creatures that could never feel overwhelmed with their own demon spawn. These little people are high maintenance, emotionally crazed, funny, creative, balls of energy. Let’s face it, the apple don’t far too fall from the tree does it? It takes a whole hell of a lot to contain, entertain, nurture, and love this alone at home all day. I love my children more than anything in this world. They are my absolute favorite people and most of the time there is no one that I would rather be with. However, when they were 18 months old I marched my stay at home ass into our church and signed them both up for mothers morning out. It is only 3 hours a day but it gives me the time I need to pick one of the following tasks and do it alone, take a shower, go to the grocery store, go to the gym, sit on my ass and drink a diet coke while watching Springer, or on the rare occasion do something productive like clean up a mess, or fold a load of laundry. I try to take this time to do stuff for me. I felt uber guilty at first, but over the past 3 years I have learned that if I don’t take care of numero uno, everything else, and i mean EVERYTHING, gets flushed down the crapper. I’m a better mom, wife, friend, when I have had a break from the constant chatter, glue, sparkles, crayons, and princess dresses. I have learned to live with the fact that my house may never be clean again, I do what I can do, which is not a whole lot, and when I look around at the end of the day and everything looks as shitty as it did that morning, i sit down and drink a glass of wine and forget about it. I still battle with the same exact feelings you have every single day. Staying at home with toddlers is tough, but in my opinion worth it. The sound of giggles, hugs, and funny moments are a reward for the sacrifices (most of the time). Trying to keep the house nice, makes me want to off someone. Its the most pointless, thankless thing I have ever done. On the rare occasion that I get everything clean and perfect all in one day, the next thing I know its an hour later and it looks like a bomb of princess shit went off, there is a tutu on the counter, a barbie in the hall potty, and glitter all over the gd floor. FML. Anyway, I have really gone off on a tangent of randomness. But the one line comment I was going to make was this… March your ass to your nearest church, synagog, temple, brothel, wherever will take him, and sign him up for mothers morning out. Then go home and sit on your behind until its time to pick him up again. Thank you for your honesty, it makes me feel a lot better knowing that I am not the only one, I salute you!!!!
ugh, I feel for you. My son sounds very much like Will, always on. And my husband works insane hours. My son had a tub poop incident that I took 8 days to clean up. It happens. You just have to do your best and prioritize. Prioritize doesn’t mean that you’re going to magically have a clean house, just that the most annoying dirt gets cleaned first. The rest is still a disaster. I call in the troops (grandparents) usually every other Sunday to play with kiddo while I clean for a few uninterrupted hours. And don’t forget to keep naps near the top of your list, you have to to maintain sanity. It doesnt’ actually get easier, you just get more used to it.
((hugs))
KB- youre definitely not alone. I work three days a week, I know how lucky I am to have a modified scheduele so I can be home a bit more with my 14 month old. But honestly on some days…Im just counting the minutes until nap time. Then I feel so guilty that Im not appreciating that I am home with her more than some others get to…ugh…what us mothers put ourselves through. I KNOW Im not cut out to be a stay at home mom (you guys ROCK!!!) its absoulutely harder than working outside the home (in my opinion). The hours dont end, you dont get a lunch break…I saw another poster suggested looking for Moms day out programs in your area. I know you guys live a bit out of the way, but it may be really really good for your sanity. The social interrration would be great for Will, and maybe youd meet other Moms who share the same feelings you do and you could give each other breaks. I think you are doing an amazing job KB. Hang in there…all your internet friends are here for you!
You’re not alone Mrs. Bower! My husband has always worked and been away from home long hours while I stayed home and did daycare along with raising our two kids. It’s a tough job. Find a play group. Ignoring him a bit here and there will help him be a little more independent. Turn off the tv during play time, so that when you do néed to get something done you can pop on his favorite show and he will soak it up.
I second what Cordia is saying! If I were you, I would try to find a mothers’ morning out or preschool program that Will can go to 2-3 days per week, for a few hours each day. Especially when the new baby comes, you will need time with him/her and with Jeremy gone so long during the day (I’ve been there!), you will have a really hard time being Will’s only entertainment (on less sleep, no less)! Even if you want to home-school Will, giving him the chance to interact with other kids, and getting rid of some energy while you take care of other things is a GOOD THING!! And good grief, it’s not failing. It’s using your “village” to help you with your family. I think anyone who has ever had a 2 year old will tell you that no one can spend that much time alone with them and not be pulling out their own hair daily. It will get easier eventually, when Will needs you less, but in the mean time, there is no reason to do it all yourself and there is definitely no reason to feel guilty! You have a lot on your plate, dear Katie!
Katie, thank you for another honest post in which a lot of us can relate to. Now some encouraging words of unsolicited advice:
1) Prioritize, even if this means cutting out other commitments.
2) Make a daily/hourly M-F schedule. From little to big stuff, put it all on there.
3) Get enough sleep and eat healthy foods (as best you can) throughout the day, for optimal energy.
4) Stay the heck away from Pinterest!
Know you are not alone and I am fervently praying for you.
<3
As I am sure every commenter will tell you…we are all feeling the same way. I completely sympathize with you. I have a 7 month old boy, and my hubby (also named Jeremy) works crazy hours, too. He often starts work in the morning before going into the office, then comes home after 7, eats, and then does more work afterward. It is draining for all of us. I could totally relate to the dinners you make for your husband. Ours have been similar lately, and I feel terrible, too. And hubby and I fight about insignificant things, too, because we are tired at the end of the day. Gah. I don’t really have any inspiring words, but I sympathize, and I do believe it will get better. I think that right now I need to focus on being grateful that my husband’s job allows me to stay home with my little one (as hard as it is to remember that sometimes!) Hang in there, sister!
You by far are not failing. And I feel the same way about my husband (because the baby doesn’t show up until October), that I love him, but when he is constantly around I need some just me time. But then when he’s gone, or working late, I can’t stand being alone. And morning sickness turned into all day sickness for me, so getting the house cleaned… psh, not happening (especially since we had a sewer backage about a week after we bought the house). My point here… don’t put yourself down. It’s super frustrating sometimes, but if God brings you to it, he will bring you through it!
Hang in there! We ALL have “I’m failing” moments! The important thing is that Will is happy and healthy (even having consumed week old banana remnants)…and I don’t think you have to worry about that!
KB – you are such a great mom and don’t let Satan tell you otherwise!! As for pinterest – I honestly don’t have an account because I am a working mother and it stresses me out to constantly see how I don’t measure up. I read this blog post the other day and loved it – hope it encourages you!! http://powerofmoms.com/2012/04/your-children-want-you/
Prayers for you. You are not alone. So often I have felt like a failure, I think it’s just part of life.
Any chance you can find a playgroup or a Mom’s day out program? Just to break up the long days. I found a playgroup on Meetup.com and it saved my sanity, really. Its just awesome to have a group of women who are all going through the same stuff and a chance for my boy to play with kids.
Oh and give yourself a break…. you are growing another person!
Oh Katie, I’ve been there so many times in my 5 years of parenting. It DOES get better, I promise. You will eventually get out of this funk and feel confident again. Some times we all have these little valley’s as moms, where things just aren’t fitting right and how we want them to be. It really does happen to all of us! Last time I had this “cloud of doom” over me and felt like I was failing at everything (and in every way you said!) my sweet friends reminded me that I AM a good mom and to be gentle with myself. So here I am as your distant “friend” telling you…you ARE a fantastic mom and be easy with yourself! Give yourself some slack and credit! You are pregnant, emotional, tired, and have a million things going on in your life. Its okay to rest, its okay to not want to play all the time with Will. And what a blessing you have a sweet husband who seems to understand that and loves you regardless if he’s eating a peanut butter sandwich for the 5th time this week.
However, sometimes we also feel this way because something needs to change. Maybe think about practical ways you can work on it? Like if you need more things to do with Will and feel more satisfied during the day (it always made me feel better to get out of the house and ignore the dirty dishes for a while!), have you tried joining a mommy group? themommiesnetwork.com helped me a ton to find events to do with my kids and make new friends. Or are there some local library story times you can take him to? Is there anyone you can call to help watch him while you rest, or clean, or whatever? Have you tried meal planning for each week so its easier to get dinner ready each day? Or prepare a week of freezer meals? I also know how hard it is to miss your husband and feel disconnected. Can you arrange for more frequent date nights (even if they are in doors!). Thedatingdivas.com have awesome ideas to do even at home when Will is in bed.
Also, I really feel the need to share this bit that I learned about myself the last time I felt overwhelmed as you are now. I realized I was allowing The Enemy to tell me lies (basically that I suck at life and fail as a mom and wife)…and I was believing him. I know you are a Christian, and I pray that when you are feeling like this you seek Him for the strength and joy that only He can give right now. And, I pray you reject the lies that Satan gives…the thought that you are supposed to be perfect and do everything exactly as it should be. I have felt so much more “free” accepting GOD’S truth about me, and accepting that He gives me grace…but I also need to give myself grace. Maybe spend some time exploring/reminding yourself what GOD thinks of you.
Big, giant hugs to you! I’ve SO been there and its an awful place to be. The good news is tomorrow is a new day 🙂 It will get better!
Katie Bower you are a great mom. I’m not a mom yet, but I would like to be like you when that does happen for me. I think anyone that pretends like there are not difficult bits are doing themselves and everyone else a disservice. By putting your difficult bits out there, you make them easier to face. I’m thinking about you. wait that sounded a little creepy. Good luck!
Never, never think you are alone. My girls are 9 and 12 and I feel like that all the time. Does it get better? Eh – in some ways. But every mom carries around that guilt of not being perfect – not spending time with their kids – wanting the kids to disappear for a few hours (or days) – wanting to blog/play computer games/read instead of playing barbies or cars, not having a clean house and dinner on the table every night, not spending enough quality time, yelling at the kids too much (I’m so guilty of this) etc. etc. The first thing I let go of was the house – it’s a mess. Like, always a mess. It gives me anxiety but I simply don’t have the time nor the energy nor the motivation to keep it clean as I’d like and I was tired of stressing about it constantly. Hang in there. Think about that glass of wine you’ll be able to have on 9 months!! 🙂
Just going to chime in with one more “You are not failing”. People call being a stay-at-home-mom a job, but I can’t even count it as that. A job is something you can LEAVE when you head home…I don’t think SAHMs have that option (nevermind your photog biz!). And I’m sure Will doesn’t think you’re a horrible mommy. =) (BTW – he may want Jer to kiss his boo-boos because he sees you all day…he might just miss his dad.) It’ll get better (maybe not easier, but better)!
THANK YOU! I have never commented here before (or on any of the blogs I read, for that matter) but have been following your blog and loving it for months now. And I just want to say thank you. Thank you for being one of the few “real” blogs out there; that doesn’t sugercoat life or only document the good. Thank you for being honest and not worrying about what others would think if they knew this. It takes courage to post something like this and I believe this is the type of courage women need to have and the type of small “failures” women need to admit to more often. In fact, the only reason you even think they ARE failures is because of illusions women (and men, I’m sure) have created for years, right? The Leave it to Beaver Mom, the Pintresting-Homeschooling-vegan-no-processed-foods Mom, its insane. It’s insane standards that we hold ourselves to and its not practical or realistic and I think more often than not yours is the reality for all of us and thank you, thank you for admitting to it.
We need more with your courage and honesty.
I’m so sorry that you’re feeling overwhelmed. I (very selfishly) am thrilled that you posted this. I’m very much yearning to be a Mommy – my husband and I are finally within a year of being debt free and ready to try. I feel this sense of impending doom knowing that once I do have a baby, I’m going to have to figure out how to go back to work. The mystical “Stay at Home Mom” calls to me – isn’t it all just sunshine and little crackers and kissing baby toes?!
I am so thankful for your honesty – it makes me know that even though I’ll have challenges being a working mom, there are also huge challenges associated with staying home along all day. I’m feeling very “we’re all in this together” right now.
For what it’s worth – I expect that you’ll rally and return to “normal” – making the rest of us all feel inadequate!
Katie, this is why I come back to your blog time and time again…because you keep it real. I have a 20 month old and another one due in December so I feel your pain. My husband has been working overtime lately, and I don’t like my kid that much either. :/ Yesterday, instead of prepping for dinner, I took a nap when my daughter did… because I have been freakin’ fatigued the last few weeks! Then when my husband got home, I cried and we went out for dinner. I don’t even like me right now. Oh well. Again, thank you. Didn’t we all think that being a sahm was just THE DREAM? I’m blessed to be able to do it (I really do know it), but seriously, I had cute aprons, silly playtimes, and lots of laughter in mind.
You are just like every other SAHM out there whose husband works long hours outside of the house. No one has it perfectly together and I don’t think anyone who reads your blog expects you to. One of the things I love about your blog personally is how honest you are. You let us see your flaws and that’s what makes you enjoyable and relate-able. Maybe a few days a week of Mother’s Day Out in the morning for Will would help you feel like you had more of a chance to catch up? I know lots of churches have great programs for his age.
This is a common thing, I think. There is NOTHING wrong with letting that kid hang out in the crib for 15 minutes while you power-shower. There is NOTHING wrong with letting him watch a little TV (a.k.a. spending time with the square nanny) so you can wipe down/sweep the kitchen or wipe down the tub. When you’re solo parenting you need learn a new routine but it can be done and it takes time. Hang in there miss K!!!
You are so pregnant. Almost throughout my whole pregnancy I felt the same way. Sometimes, you just have to turn on the tv and let them sit and watch while you get things done. I have an almost 3 year old and a 7 mos old, and I stay at home too. Some days are great and others…not so good. But that’s just the life of a SAHM. There is a great moms group in Gwinnet that is full of great women and kids. They have a bunch of different play groups through out the month. I go to a few when we can, you interested?
You sound pretty normal to me. I don’t know when it will get easier, but I’m sure it will eventually. People tell me that “this” becomes the new normal…
Your comment about the duct tape and napkins made me lol out loud. One time, I was at Target and had to buy bottles, formula and diapers because I’d forgotten the entire diaper bag. My baby screamed for 30 minutes straight since it was feeding time and dumb Mommy forgot everything. There were some fun looks from people. Another time, we were out for lunch with a couple from church, my baby pooed, and I didn’t have any more diapers… sweet boy fell asleep until we got home. Must have been the warmth.
My husband is gone a lot as well, and my baby is almost 6 months and full-out teething. Last night he slept for a total of 4 hours, and that was with me sleeping on the floor of his nursery to try to help calm him (ouch, my hips). He been taking 30 minute naps and that’s it. I’m hoping the teeth pop out soon… I miss those two weeks where he slept 10-12 hours a night, straight, and took 3 naps at 2.5 hours a piece.
I’ll be praying for you. I wondered if you had bad morning sickness, since you’ve been quieter recently. Thank you for being transparent.
Hugs, mama.
Aw Hon. Pregnant with a toddler at home alone? Yup, been there. Done that! My son was 22 months when my daughter was born so my pregnancy with her was so hectic just running after him. My husband worked 12 hour shifts.
First off, give yourself a break. Beyond your house, you job and all that outside noise you are doing a more important job. You are creating a little person and taking care of another. So let the rest go. We will understand if you only pop on once in a while. Hell, make your posts one picture and one word and everyone will be happy. We’re easygoing like that! 🙂
And people are understanding. Reach out, tell them you need help, a break what have you. A lot of people like being needed (me included) we just tend to wait to be asked (pesky manners and all that!)
And lastly a little tip. Sounds gross but I survived changing my son’s diaper the whole time I was pregnant by sticking a wet wipe in between my teeth while changing him. It blocked the smell coming up and was a handy location for that last clean wipe. I did it for nine months and it was the only way. After she was born, I had to remind myself I no longer needed to do it because it had become quite a habit.
We do what we can.
Oh. and ignore pinterest. It’s awesome. But silly. I mean, did you love your mom any more/less because of crafts/food/house/decor? Nope. Didn’t think so. 🙂
Hang in there.
xoxo
Oh Katie, ou are not failing…it’s called being a mom. And one thing I have learned since becoming a mom is not to judge other moms because IT IS TOUGH! Our house is two full time working parents and it is tough…I pray everyday that I could be a stay at home mom because I miss my baby so much but on the days I do get to stay home with her it is not easy. I commend you for all that you do and hang in there. I dont know if it will get easier but it does get better and better everday. Just love your babies and love your boyfriend…afterall that is the most important thing right 🙂
Oh. and I forgot to mention. Once the 2nd child gets older. BEST THING EVER! My kidlets are now 5 & 7 and for the last 3 years have been occupying each other. So no more needing to get on the floor with trucks and cars (I was never into that either)! So awesome. 🙂
Katie Bower, I just want to hug you. I don’t have kids so I have no advice to speak of, but I just wanted to say you’re an incredible Mom. It’s obvious from the way you write about Will. I have a dog and a boyfriend and no blog and sometimes I hit the wall of just being “done” — but it doesn’t last long. I look forward to your posts ever day. I hope things get better, if I lived closer I’d head over and watch Will for a couple hours (I don’t even like kids, just so you understand how big of a deal that is). Get someone to come help you out for a bit. We need you to keep your sanity so we can keep having interesting and funny posts about bacon and blood-red walls.
Most men do not work from home, so you are not alone. Having Jeremy work from home while Will was little was a HUGE BLESSING! You are lucky you are able to be a stay at home mom! I don’t have children yet… but I can see how being alone with a toddler for 12 hours would drive a person crazy. I think you are just going through a transition right now, I know it will get better!
I wish I could put into words the depths of loneliness that I felt when my son was the same age as Will and I was pregnant and SICK with my 2nd baby. My husband worked a lot and even went to Portugal for 10 days; I thought I was going to die.
It sounds like right now (as normal as it sounds to everyone else) that adjusting to this “new normal” for you guys is going to take time for all of you. You need to give yourself the grace to let that happen.
My concrete suggestions while you get through this adjustment of a new pregnancy, the terrible two’s (I have 2 little boys; I GET IT) and Jeremy’s LONG commute:
-A friend who is your phone “Life-Line”; someone you can call and commiserate with at any time of the day and make sure it’s not Jeremy since he’s likely busy at work. (Save his for the commute and just know that you would listen to him with the same compassion if he were miserable some days).
-Go to Costco, Sam’s or wherever and stock up on some frozen dinners and paper plates (it’s only for a short while; though you’ll prob. need to do it again when the newborn gets here). Buy a lasagna, a meatloaf, etc.; basically food, but nothing you have to gather ingredients for and stand in the kitchen fixing for hours (Will prob. won’t let you anyway). Buy tons of fruit to go with it and call it D-O-N-E. You’ll get back into cooking soon; just not now.
-Buy a big container of Quick Oats and pour it into a tub, give Will a bunch of measuring cups, spoons, etc. Set him in his highchair, pull it up to the table and let him play while you clean up the kitchen or just sit and drink a glass of tea. It’s like a sandbox, but if he eats it he’s still safe. Also when he’s done (should buy you 30 minutes) you can vacuum up whatever has been spilled. When he’s done, put a lid on it and save it for another day.
-Don’t under any circumstances compare your child/life/moods, etc. to anyone else’s. NO ONE else is living your exact life (out in the country, alone with a feisty, busy little boy). Don’t compare or look longingly at friends with daughters who WILL color (Will will likely never love coloring; hate to break it to you). Us mothers of boys just have a very different situations than some moms of girls. Boys are loud, smelly, LIVE to be outside and LOOOVE their Mamas. I have 2 of them and still sometimes wish they would just sit and play barbies; never gonna happen. 🙂 I had to learn to stop looking longingly at the moms who WEREN’T running around the park, but were sitting pulled together on the park bench.
-One last thing- Is there anyway you could swing ($$) signing you and Will up for a one day a week “Mommy & Me” class? I really think it would be helpful for you to have that one day of a destination and social interaction to look forward to. Will would probably also love the peer time. There are usually Gym type classes, places at community centers, etc. My guess is it would be worth the drive for you, no matter how far you’d have to go.
We love you, Katie Bower. Hang in there and know that you are not alone. And for Goodness sake, woman, stop looking at Pinterest! 😉
Lori
Oh, Katie, you are NOT ALONE! I think every mother experiences this at some point or other. Have you thought about joining a moms group or something? Or a toddler and me class that Will would be into? That way you would have an activity that would get you out of the house one day a week and you could see other moms? If I don’t leave the house I start to go a little stir crazy and I get cranky and I don’t parent well. I’m not very outgoing either so being around strangers is hard for me, but I’m always a little refreshed by the time we get home and feel like I’m ready for round two. It WILL get better! You and Will will find your rhythm together. And maybe Jeremy can let you escape for a couple hours on the weekend? I love getting the opportunity to miss my girls, especially since I spend 10 hours a day with them 🙂
Loves to you! You will find your way in this!
Katie,
I am lifting you up in prayer this morning. Sometimes it seems like there is no way out, but God will bring you through this. I pray that God will give you strength and peace to make it through these tough days.
Sheryl
Similar things here, sadly. I thought having a baby was rough on my “personal” life, but now that my husband went from working at home to an office job, I have to do EVERYTHING at home. I’m overwhelmed and cranky about it.
The one thing we get is that my little guy “shaves” with his dad so I have 10 minutes to myself.
Hey Katie!
I am not a mom yet (we’re expecting though!! Due in October!) but I get the overworked BLAH feeling. I don’t have much advice on dealing with a toddler but I DO have some advice on the food/dinner situation…
THE CROCKPOT! and freezer cooking!
Seriously has saved us from so many frozen pizzas/fast food. I am not a crazy freezer cooking cook 2342 meals in a day person but I do double or triple certain recipes and then stick the rest in the freezer. It takes a little more effort on the night but it saves you in the end.
Crockpot ideas:
-frozen chicken breast, frozen corn, salsa = chicken taco filling!
-roast, onion soup mix (add the cold water) some potatos = ROAST! yummy…I even go as far as getting a few roasts and chopping up all the veggies and putting them in freezer bags (a roast, chopped potatos, onions etc) and then I just dump the frozen food in the to crockpot.
-pork roast, bbq sauce = pulled pork sandwiches
-chicken, cream of mushroom soup, milk, minced garlic – serve over a bed of rice (I get those bags of rice you cook in the microwave
-frozen chicken and bbq sauce = bbq chicken!
Freezer ideas:
-I make a big batch of chili in the crockpot or stove top and then freeze the left overs that we don’t eat for dinner in to other dinner sized portions.
-chicken plus marinade in bags – you pull them out they marinade all day toss them on your george foreman or grill
-enchiladas – I triple my recipe and my husband and I assembly-line style them in to pyrex dishes.
-taco meat – brown a bunch of ground turkey at once with onions and seasoning freeze in to dinner sized portions!
Hope this helps some! It does takes a little extra work on some of the nights but I LOVE the feeling and ease of having dinner in the freezer on those ‘bad’ nights.
-Meg
Oh, hunny I am so sorry you are feeling like this! But to say it is normal is an understatement. I work 40 hours a week and seriously? It is the easiest part of my day. I actually get a break. I don’t know how my mom does it, watching her every day. I give stay at home moms gold medals in my mind. And you are pregnant! You are an amazing mama and I think everyone would agree with me. Will is loved, Jeremy is loved and you are all blessed beyond belief. But that doesn’t mean you aren’t human either. Take time for yourself and everything else will fall into place. It can only get easier, right? Keep your head up mama, you are doing a great job!
I just saw this saying the other day over at http://www.thewiegands.com….”It’s all going to be okay…and if it is not okay…it will still be okay.” It has blessed me so much because some things are out of our control and the only one that knows what we need every moment of every day is God. Focus on leaning on Him more….it always helps 🙂 I need this little reminder almost daily.
Oh, sweetie! It does get better, and it is really hard. The year my youngest was 1 was the worst year of my life. He had constant ear infections, had bronchitis, and then got RSV and had to make two trips to the emergency room. He only slept for an hour at a time at night–sometimes out of habit, and sometimes because he was so sick. I would rock him and cry and curse and comfort him and demand that he sleep and scream and do everything but shake him (because I knew that was way bad). Brad, my husband, would come in to help his insane, losing it wife, and I would yell at him that I had it under control (big lie). He once ripped Logan out of my arms. And did I mention that I still had to go to school the next day and teach? Yep, I was out of sick days because of my maternity leave, so I could not stay home with my sick baby. Brad missed 20 days of work, and I went to work all of those days feeling guilty for leaving my sick baby. At the end of that year, I had a breakdown at school (luckily in front of my friends, not my students) where I cried and cried because I had essays that the students had turned in in February I had yet to grade (this was May). And then, it got better. Logan got tubes. He still had bad sleeping habits we had to work to break (and it was WORK), but he wasn’t in constant pain. We spent the summer working on the sleep issues and our family relationships (I may have neglected my big girl while I was taking care of my sick baby). And now, I have a 3 year old and a 5 year old who play well together 90 % of the time, I can shower whenever I want, and everyone is sleeping (mostly, the big girl may have gotten in bed with us last night). So it will get better. You will figure out a routine that works for you. If you are like me, though, your home will always be a mess, and you will always have hodgepodge meals, but you will relax and accept that no one is perfect. And do you have a play group? At my church there is a Tuesday morning Bible study for mommy’s just like you. And there is child care–for free. It’s Campus Church in Norcross.
Best blog article ever: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/whatshesaid/page/18/?s=parenting
Try this blog article: http://jenhatmaker.com/blog/2012/03/20/on-empty
And this one: http://jenhatmaker.com/blog/2012/03/04/i-am-inept-thank-you-for-understanding
And there is another: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/whatshesaid/2012/01/page/10/
We are all in this together, and it is HARD!
You’re not failing. Now you’re just normal! 😉
While not a stay at home mom, I am still a mother who works a full time job just like you do…but out of the home. I have a 3 year old son who is right at the peak of definance and disrespect and also 7 months pregnant while my husband has been working 7 days a week, 12 hour shifts for the past 3 months on the night shift. We are also building a house that will hopefully all be done by the time this baby arrives. So yeah, I totally get your sense of being overwhelmed and feeling like you have no control over your life or your emotions and you feel like you are drowning at times. These are the trying times of being a mother while trying to balance it all and feel some sense of sanity at least at one point during the day. You are doing a fabulous job and if things aren’t getting done like they used to, they will eventually. Give yourself a break. You and Jeremy are just learning how to transition in to this new routine and with your hormone levels at the ultimate high, it is going to take some time. Don’t try to rush it and put all this pressure on yourself to get things back in order. They will fall in to place naturally. You are doing a phenominal job so don’t ever allow yourself to feel like a failure. Because you aren’t. You can be stressed and overwhelmed and emotional but you will never be a failure because you put your heart and soul in to each day and that is all that matters. Keep up the faith Katie! We all believe in you and stand behind you.
I am jealous of your life…and I say that to make you feel better, not worse. I am a full-time working mom married to a man that works 70 hours a week with a 15 month old that I miss fiercely. I would give anything to stay home but that’s not an option. My suggestion: a schedule! You need to figure out one that works for you right now. When are you going to do your website and photography work…put that in…wake up an hour or two before Will does and get cleaning done and yourself ready for the day… I clean my house every Friday night after my kid goes to bed. I start at 8:30pm…on a Friday…after working and commuting 55 hours that week…but that’s when I have time to do it. Try a schedule for one week. I think it will make you feel better.
Oh Katie! I wish I could come over, prop you up on the couch, clean your house, watch Will and his little boy glory and put something in the oven for you.
Girlfriend I am sending my love, hugs, and prayers!!
I found a few tricks up my sleeve when my schedule turned into a nightmare with a toddler running amock. Here’s what a suggest, and maybe some will work, some won’t. Before you go to bed, collect items for a corckpot dinner the next night so you can just flip the switch when you groggily wake the next morning so it’s piping hot without effort the following evening. Take your showers in the morning as a glorified moment of glory before the house stirs, you’ll feel alot better by midday knowing you had a quiet moment to yourself to do something for yourself.
Make a 3 point list. 3 things you want to tackle while Will is down for a nap, whether its wiping down the kitchen surfaces, brushing the toilet, or just running a broom across the main entry. Crossing those off the list will feel great, and you’ll know no matter what else happened that day you did those things. Keep it simple, and forgive yourself. Its ok to be worn down, but its not ok to let it hurt you. Deep breaths darlin, the Lord is with you and it does get easier! Will will want to help soon more than he does now. Soon, you and your bf can settle in nicely at the end of the day and you’ll both be so pooped 10pm bedtime will feel perfect.
BIG HUGS!!!
Katie we all feel like we’re failing everyday. I was in the same situation that you were a couple of years ago…When my baby boy was born my daughter was 2 so it was hard to be by myself the whole day and then I felt that I was in a daycare because I was breastfeeding one and then change diapers to both of them and with no relatives in town but thank God I found Mothers Day Out when my daughter turned 3, she will go two days a week in the mornings and everything started to change.. she was happy to go to school and I was more relaxed because i could get a lot of things done in those two days. Do you have something like MDO in your area ??
Dude, Katie, it’s cool. I say that because I’m there too, so if there are at least two under-performing stay-at-home moms out there it probably means it’s normal/okay. Thanks for posting this. Sending you virtual hugs.
Please don’t feel bad because you need a break from your son. I think I love my children more when I’m not with them all day. See if you can find a daycare or preschool with drop-in hours, or let him go regularly a few hours a week. The exposure to other kids (and adults) will be good for him, and the time will be invaluable for you.
It’s not just you. And it does get easier. For me, being preggers and doing ANYTHING is just darn close to impossible. I have a 4, 2, 1 yr old and 5 month old. My parents come over every day to help with laundry/cooking etc. There is no way I could survive without them. We would be eating nothing but cereal if they did not come over. I really think “it takes a village” and it is unrealistic to expect one person to “do it all.” Our society has grown to where families are so isolated and independent and it didn’t used to be that way (and isn’t that way in many parts of the world). So don’t be hard on yourself- you are perfectly normal under your circumstances. Hang in there Katie. We miss you and your posts but you need to take care of yourself first! xo
I feel you! I highly rec makin g a daily schedule. Hour by hour or item by item. You will feel better.
Oh Katie… you are not failing. This is life as a momma. And yes, it DOES get easier in ways. When Will and the next little one are older and a little more self sufficient, it will all change again. I am not going to say that having a newborn won’t be a challenge….but you can do it! I don’t hear anything you complain about that is odd, insensitive or off the wall. I actually feel that the fact you can state how you really feel puts you miles above a lot of us moms!! Take it one day at a time, see if you can get some “me” time when Jeremy is available and above all else – remember that you DO love your family, and that this is just a rough patch you are going through.
I am also due Novemeber 5th. It has been a tough 12 weeks so far for me 🙁 I can commiserate to some extent with you. Morning sickness, a full-time out of home job, a 19 month old who is still nursing and waking 3-4 times a night. yea… saying it’s been tough is an understatement. Blog posts??? Non-existent. I have a ton of ideas still, but no projects complete and no new ones started. But I figure that I will get back to it when I am ready for it. And we will all be here waiting for you to be back to your normal self again – no matter what the new normal might be with your upcoming changes!!
Katie, Every mother has feelings of failing at some point in their life and it usually happens when we are dealing with some form of transition. Your husband’s new job situation is a major change for all of you and it is going to take some time to find a routine that works for you. When my husband became a police officer he went from a mon-fri 9-5 day job to a rotating shift of 10 hour days-evenings-nights. Evenings were my nightmare, when I had a newborn who would cry from 6-8 and a toddler who just wanted a quiet snuggle and book before bed. I felt like nothing I could do was right and I was so angry at my husband for leaving me alone to deal with all of this. Then I would feel guilty because he was at work helping people and saving lives. I fely very much like I was failing. BUT, one day it got better, my newborn lay quietly with my toddler and I could read a story and snuggle them both. We had finally found a routine that worked and that day I felt like a supermom. I still had piles of laundry, a floor that hadn’t been washed from the spilt juice, and dust bunnies an inch thick, but my kids were happy. One day you will have a supermom moment and even though your house may still be a mess, it won’t matter. It only takes one small victory to erase a full day’s worth of feeling like a failure. You’ll make it, all of your loyal readers know you will and we will all comment our congratulations when you find your groove.
Sweet pea, it gets better. Call in for reserves and ask for help. It won’t always be such a disaster. You just need a break. We’ve all been there. Call in for some free help with the house, with the babe, with dinner. Just ask for a little help from friends. They will gladly give you a break. If you had a nap and a few hours in your home alone, without Will, you would be productive and you would feel better.
And regardless, you and Jer and Will will survive this.
These are the times as a mom where if you can afford to, you hire some help. When I went through that year of my life, pregnant with my second, job changes, etc., I couldn’t afford to hire some help but I was able to barter for some help.
Even if it’s just a neighborhood 10 yo who can play with your son for an hour every day, or two hours a couple times a week. It would cost less than $5 an hour.
Don’t try to do this alone, rally the troops!
Been there! My husband has gone back and forth working at home and then away many times. When he went back to school a couple years ago, my one year old literally cried the entire day. It was awesome. Now we are expecting baby #3 in a few weeks and my husband just started a new job (out of the house) this week. There are so many days that are just crappy but just remember that it is a big transition for Will too. He will learn to be more independant and eventually he’ll learn your new routine. Just don’t try to be supermom. Start with the basics. 12 hours is a long time by yourself with any toddler! Things will get better! Hugs!
Oh boy… right there with ya, girl! I yell like it is my job. It makes me sad. But wow, these kids can be annoying! 🙂 Love, love, love them. You are not alone and you are not a bad mom! My hubs travels for work regularly. It is lonely with those long days alone. I don’t have any great words of wisdom as I am struggling with the same feelings, but I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone and that you are a great mom! Hugs!
Oh, Katie! I know exactly how you feel. My husband was on parental leave for 17 weeks. I had so much help, I was also pregnant and had a 7 month old. The help was immense. Now that my husband has gone back to work, and we have a 14 month old and 7 week old, everything is… Just… Overwhelming. My house is a disaster area worthy of something close to hoarders, and some days, if not most, cereal and granola bars are our gourmet dinner. You are not alone. I wish I had more ‘advice’, it will get easier seems like an ignorant cover up. It WILL get easier, but not over night. You’re in for some tough times, girl. Give yourself a break, you’re doing your best! You are NOT failing, you’re overwhelmed, and sometimes that’s okay. I’m just rambling, I wish I could say something inspirational, I think you’re doing fantastic considering everything, and I thank you for making me feel like I’M not alone too.
It is so hard. The thing that mystifies me the most about parenting is just when you think you have things figured out everything changes and you have to start all over again.
Will needs to learn to play more independently and he will eventually. He might not like it but just keep encouraging him. You can incorporate him into your housework, my girls “help” me all the time. It takes me twice as long to make the beds but oh well 🙂
Routine, routine, routine. Make a schedule and really stick to it. Breakfast, crafts, walk, lunch, nap, etc. Plan a few outings a week. After a few weeks you will find a groove. Be grateful he is still napping!
Maybe you could find a young girl to come help you a few hours a week over the summer? Is your Mom available to stop by during the week? I know you guys are on a tight budget but you may need to pay someone to help you a bit and teens don’t charge an arm and a leg.
Hang in there, it all works out. Its hard to believe at the time but it really does.
The reason I read your blog everyday and others only when I remember too… The reason your blog sticks out among the thousands, is because of your honesty, and how real you are. I cant tell you how excited I get when you post pictures and there is a dust ball or Wills toys scattered in them, because as much as we would all like to live in perfect houses we don’t. Ad we shouldnt set ourselves up to be failures when in fact we dont live up to our ‘perfect’ standards-You’re a great mom, great blogger and great person! Cut yourself some slack my dear!
This is the first time since wills birth that you have been alone with him all day every day. Most sahm go through it in the beginning when they’re still figuring out their baby so because your figuring it out now when he’s two it feels like it’s all your fault. It’s not. Its new and nobody is good at new. You just need to figure out a better plan of attack for your day/ sanity. Will is getting old enough now maybe a day care once a week for an hour will be good for you both. Don’t think of it as shipping him off. He’s learning, making friends that could be friends for life and utimately getting ready for school. Let will play outside but forget he lawn care. Lay under some shade and read a book or play on your phone. Paint your nails. Do stuff for you. No matter how horrible your day is going it’s going to stay feeling that way unless you do something for you. Pamper yourself. Do something YOU love.
And hey, if you have no time for cooking a meal from scratch just buy pre made dinners. They can’t hurt having every once in a while. Pop it in the oven and Enjoy! Maybe ask your mom to watch will once every other week even to give yourself a day to shower or grocery shop or take a walk in a park alone. 🙂 you’ll figure it out. If there’s a will, there’s a way. 😉
I second the commenter who said find a Mommy’s morning out program. I know our church has one. Also, I know up here there are preschools that start as young as 2. You might want to check into that. Even if it’s only an hour a week or 2 hours a week at least you could take a shower.
I love reading your blog because you are so honest! I know a lot of moms of toddlers feel the way you do–I certainly do! Toddlers are hard, man. You’re doing a great job.
You’re definitely NOT ALONE!!
I’m a stay-at-home Mom with my 2 and 3 year old. There are days at nap time (when I have a minute alone) that I just cry and feel like the worst Mom in the world because I’d been yelling at my kids all morning. It’s a lot. And it’s not easy. But just like there are certainly bad times to this gig, there are really great times too! Keep your chin up! You’re doing a great job!!!
You are not failing. I will repeat. You are not failing. What you have is a serious case of mom guilt, which to be honest, we all get. It is normal. And I’m sure pregnancy hormones are really helping you out alot! 🙂
It is ok if your house is not always clean.
It is ok if you don’t play with your child 24/7.
It is ok if you have pb&j for 7 nights in a row. Or maybe just j if you have run out of the pb:D
This is a season in your life and this too shall pass. And then you will look back and miss it all.
And things Will get easier!!! I promise! I have 3 kids–5, 3, and 2. Being a mom/wife/friend is challenging but you will survive (and the kids play with each other, too–so you have that to look forward to). Praying for you—praying that you make it through this next hour!
ps. love your blog and I love your honesty.
I love that poem. It should hang on every mother’s fridge:)
You aren’t the only one. Promise.
But it is so good to know that I am not the only one either. Thank you for sharing this with us all. God knows you can’t do it. And that’s why He is there with you even when Jer can’t be.
I struggle with needing to get things accomplished all the time and feel CRAZY if I can’t. My hubby tells me {mostly when I am in tears on the phone with him} to pick one thing to get done at the house each day and one intentional thing to do with my own little 2 year old boy and then let go of the rest. It is INSANELY hard to do but it does help.
Praying for you.
p.s. I am prego too and I do think that some degree of the meltdowns and loss of control comes from those pesky little hormones.
I am so with you..my husband just got moved in his job too and has about 1 1/2 hrs of commute time…it’s so frustrating at times and I try not to complain to him because I know he doesn’t like it either..trying to rely on God to give me that strength and be that extra set of ears and eyes I need to watch the kids and comfort I need to keep my sanity :)..key word being TRY..I find it much easier to have a little pity party for myself..I’ve decided that supper time is most likely going to be a gong show..bathtime may not be as frequent..we are going to watch more tv than usual and that it’s OK..it’s only for a season (i hope!) and we will get through it…i will not have a magazine picture house all the time…there may be more timeouts..and longer “rest/naptime” but we will survive it and I will choose to be ok with it…I had a meltdown at church 2 weeks ago when my dear friend asked how I was doing and I put on the “I’m fine” face and then she called me on it…praise the Lord for friends like that…it was just what I needed…someone to call me on things and point me to God…Praying for you and that things calm down…xo
I feel the same way. I’m glad it’s not just me. I was beginning to think it was.
You are not a failure! Where you are, I have been. As a mother of two grown children, I remember well those days. My husband also worked 12 hrs a day (minimum). There were days that I thought if I heard “Mama” one more time I would scream. Take it from a clean freak that those stains, fingerprints, dirty floors are not really that important. Children don’t remember those things. They remember the times you had together. From reading your blog, I know that you are an amazing Mom. I also can see that you are so many things to so many people. It is very easy to get burned out and that it really what you are experiencing. You need a break! I agree, get someone to come in once a week. Get out and do something for you. This will be the best thing you can do for Will, Jeremy and the new baby. Above all, DON’T FEEL GUILTY!
I agree with all the others who say you’re not failing, you’re setting too high of expectations for yourself. I mean I think it’s natural and we all do it, but we have to learn to forgive ourselves, give ourselves a little slack. I question my mothering abilities every night and pray for God to help me be more patient and kind and loving and happy with my kids. and while I handle about 80% of the childcare between my husband and I, I still have my 3 yo in daycare 5 days a week while I work from home.
Staying at home is not easy, and it’s so much more difficult when pregnant. It’s a no-brainer that the house is going to get messy with two people living and playing and eating and everything else all day every day. (vs. being away from the house) and being pregnant doesn’t help. Some of the worst times I had were when I was pregnant when my son was 2… seriously, wanting nothing more than to take a nap because i’m a hormonal wreck and sooo exhausted. and I’m grumpy when I’m tired. BUT IT DOES GET EASIER… it may get more difficult at first, especially with a new baby, but as Will gets older I’m sure he’ll get easier to watch. He’ll get more and more independent, and potty trained (hallelujah!) and will be able to do more picking up after himself.
I also want to say that even though you’re a ‘stay at home mom’ you still have a photography business and a blog that have time commitments, even if they’re not 40 hours a week (are they?). And nobody’s going to think any less of you if you put Will in a mom’s day out program a couple of days a week or month, or even full time daycare if you can afford it.
I feel like I could have written this. I’m a SAHM for a Kindergartener and an almost 4 year old (will be 4 on Sunday!) and here I sit completely frustrated because i’m 39 weeks pregnant with NO progress. That just adds to the daily stress.
Pinterest is BAD. Why? Because people take pictures of their pristinely clean houses and rooms. Seriously, who’s house looks like that? I want to search for “Messy rooms” and see what comes up. I have literally told my kids to go eat their snack in their room because I had just cleaned the kitchen and table and didn’t want to wipe up crumbs for the three-bazillionth time. And running a vacuum is far easier than wiping counters, sweeping, and mopping floors. I feel like I have rugs made from juice box straw wrappers. I’ll no sooner sweep and one of those pesky clear wrappers will get stuck between my toes, and who the heck wants to bend over at 39 weeks pregnant and get it? Not me.
I totally hear you, and I think all of the SAHM’s of littles hear you too. It’s okay to be frustrated. It’s okay to cry. And it’s definitely okay to take it out on your husband (sorry Jeremy!)… because they literally just don’t understand. My husband works his butt off to support us and allow me to stay at home (I do have a side-job that keeps me sane though)… but I eventually had to ask for help. I know he gets home later, and I should have dinner ready. But I don’t, and early in my pregnancy (when a simple walk to the mailbox requires a 2 hour nap) I used him the most.
I promise you it will get better. And doing things like having a schedule really help. Especially if you can flip on a movie for an hour (ack, did I just say that??!) to get a break. You NEED a break. Union workers are required to get a few 15 minute breaks a day AND a lunch. No SAHM ever gets that. I guarantee it. But take it. Throw some toys in the bottom of the shower and let your little guy play while you shower. They’ll love the water, and you’ll love the SHOWER. Sometimes you have to be creative, but do whatever you need to get a break! It’s what keeps us sane!
Hang in there!!
It. is. so. hard. And that’s just it. All these responses show that everyone feels the same! But there are ways to make it more bearable! What has worked for me are two things: childcare and a mamas / family network.
I’ve always put my kids in some form of preschool (mostly PMO programs). Even if we can barely afford it – SO WORTH IT. Also, finding a network of mamas / family for playdates, outings, babysitting co-ops, meal swaps, etc. can make so much difference. You don’t even have to love these women; sometimes I think of them as “work friends.” Sounds like you need some support – it’s even harder to do it alone. I hope you can find what works best for you and your family!
Oh my peanutbutterandjelly, I LOVE YOUR BLOG! You have these kickass DIY projects and yet you remind me, and I think all of your readers, that you’re not this perfect Martha Stewart character that makes all moms feel inadequate. Thank you for sharing the breakdowns and the meltdowns and the oh-my-god-why-is-this-not-easier moments, because I feel them at least 50 times a day. Between the breast feeding rant, and this, I just stand up and applaud. You rock. Thank you for being so refreashingly normal.
And tell me when it gets easier, because Lord only knows I need that light at the end of the tunnel, too. xo
Bless your honesty; the truth can be grimey. I too am raising a very rambunctious boy, and what I just learned, I would have paid at the very least a hundred bucks for last week, is this: get over timeout time if it doesn’t work for your toddler, and instead find something that does. I would play the timeout game for over thirty minutes with Khage (my 16 month old) just to knock out a one minute timeout, I was exhausted, he was screaming, and I wanted to ring Daddy’s neck for impregnating me! Spanking didnt work, taking away toys was a joke, and then finally hallelujah I figured out that “taking a break by yourself to think in your room” was a more effective method to disciplining him, the walk of shame down the hall is now more than enough to snap him back into shape. Now I have a way to steal seconds of alone time, our days are happier and I dont feel “so stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread” (I dont know why I just quoted Lord of the Rings). Oooh and plus it works just as well to get this finicky eater to eat his dinner!
Katie find something that works for Will and girl you go get your sanity back!!!
Hi Katie – I came across this article last week on a blog I read frequently, and it helped me feel much better about things I have been aspiring to be and do lately.
http://www.sawdustandembryos.com/2012/04/incredible-article-misconceptions-of.html
I hope you take the time to read it. It isn’t my blog, but I’m sure Beth won’t mind me sharing.
No, it isn’t just you. These are things every mom struggles with. I often find myself telling my daughter “later” and never get to it. It makes me feel horrible. Take one day to rejuvenate and relax, then get back on the horse one SMALL project at a time. It’s so common. This week, I let the dishes go for a few days following my daughter’s birthday party. There was ice cream cake smeared all over our GLASS kitchen table. Taco remnants littered the floor, abandoned boxes and plastic and what-not were shoved in crevices of the livingroom to make room for the new toys. There are gubby fingerprints up and down the hallways that have yet to be wiped away. Our toilet overflowed and now our lower level ceiling features water damage, which has yet to be assessed (holes are scattered throughout to prevent water build up though…thankfully). We installed a new toilet after letting it sit in the middle of our main entry way in pieces (due to the wrong size wax seal) for days. Don’t get me started on the garage…or the laundry…or the food going bad in the fridge. I haven’t looked in the playroom since Sunday, and only God knows what’s happened in there since.
These are not my usual habits, and typing this makes me want to leave work immediately and go clean up. However, it happens. Things get out of control once in a while, so just take a deep breath and you will make it through this!
Oh sweetie, you are not failing at all. Transitional period are always tough, and even without that, no one – NO ONE – maintains their house, life, family and job to perfection, ever.
But, if things aren’t working the way they are then take a deep breath and look at what your priorities are, and what is getting in the way of those priorities. Your time and energy are precious, so use them for the things that matter most.
Take care of yourself and your lovely family. You’ve got a lot of love around you and you’ll make it through.
First, you are not failing as a mom, unless your goal is to be an unrealistic fantasy mom. Seriously, I have been at home with my son for 4 years, with my husband working from 6am to 7ish through the week, and then half days on Saturdays. And as much as I love my kid, I don’t exactly relish playing super-heros, ect. I am, afterall, my own person, not just an extension of my offspring.
The thing that has helped me the most is creating a schedule, and sticking to it. On Monday and wednesday mornings, he goes to pre-school, I volunteer on wednedays at the library just to be around adults. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, we go to the gym, mostly because of the childcare, and some times I workout, and other times, I just sit in the sauna and listen to NPR. After lunch on Tuesdays, we get groceries. If Son is good in the store, he gets a cookie from the bakery just before we leave. Fridays are stay at home days.
There are still days where Son goes nuts, and drives me crazy, but since he was 3, I began sending him to his room when he misbehaved. This was a win-win. It was a consequence for his his behavior, and gave me a break.
I have also found, that at least with my child, giving him tasks to do, tasks that seemed like grown-up things, helped his behavior. Everyone loves to have a purpose, so when he was 2, I would send him hunting for socks on laundry day. As soon as he could see into the drawer, I had him putting away the silverware. The days that I keep him busier, the easier he was for me.
Now that he’s 4, there are still “shoot yourself in the head” days, but it’s certainly better than it was. You will get through this. I didn’t even plan to have a kid when I did, and I’ve learned to love it, and since you love being a mom, I know you will get through it too.
Wow! Reading this post could have been pages out of my play book…you mean it’s not healthy to feed your child French fries for lunch because your tired and you know it’s the one for sure thing that they will eat? Oops!! Katie, you are not alone!! I’m pretty certain that most moms feel this way some or most of the time. Once you get into a routine things get a bit easier…or maybe they don’t, maybe we just become better equipted to deal with the crying, screaming, biting and throwing glass plates on the floor at ikea. I will pray for you! Hugs!! Keep your chin up!
You aren’t failing, but you need some help during the day. At least I would. Get a babysitter for a few hours. Have a playdate. Hire a mother’s helper from a local church (or other) for a few hours a week. All it takes is a little bit of time to get caught up, and you will feel like a new person. Whenever I am feeling overwhelmed (and I shouldn’t talk, I am a SAHM to a 10 month old, not a toddler), I call my mom or MIL over for a few hours. They play with my son, and I fly around the house, cleaning, etc…those two hours of being able to work uninterrupted literally saves my week. My husband is a superstar and helps all the time and doesn’t care if the house is messy or dinner is take-out. So…it’s me, and I am okay with that. I like to have a semi-clean house and dinner on the table on some nights 😉 that he comes home, even if he doesn’t care about either. But, I also want to spend every waking moment soaking up my 10 month old, because he is an absolute joy at this age. But, between nursing him, solids, naps, and playing, and other odds and ends, it’s hard to get everything done. So, I ask for help, and I am okay with that.
This comment is everything that I was going to post. Right on, Sarah! I know, easier said than done though! I completely agree on the sitter thing for grocery shopping and freezing meals! Good luck, Katie!
Maybe you can ask a girl/boy from the Bible study you used to teach?
YOU ARE NOT FAILING! I am a full-time working mom which is definately tough and challenging in its own ways, however because I am a Guidance Counselor I benifit from the school scheduled breaks! My son Drew will be 3 in August and sounds a lot like Will (loves matchbox cars, doesnt sit still for more than 3 seconds, is constantly getting into mischief and looking at me with that “tell me not to” look and wants to play with my rough housing husband more than the hugging mommy).
I was off on spring break with my son for a week and a half, while my husband was keeping hours similar to Jeremy’s. I thought I was going to kill myself! 12 hours of cranky, temper-tantrum throwing, mischief making little boy! I would ask him what he wanted for breakfast, lunch, dinner then make it and then he would say “I dont like this” or “I dont want it”!
While I love my little man, he can be challenging and difficult and at times I have looked in the mirror and thought “I did this to myself?!” LOL! I’ll put it this way, I was definately eager to return to work after spring break!
You are not a terrible mom and you are doing the best you can. If I can offer some advice? Are yours or Jeremy’s parents or your sister at all near by? Maybe they can come and watch Will for you for an hour or 2 to give you a break! Take a shower, go get a manicure? During my break my mom and sister came and took Drew off my hands for a few hours on my last day of “vacation” and it made the world of difference! I felt like a human being again and when they returned with my boy, I was excited to see him!
Goodluck! After my week and a half of being a full-time stay at home mom, I defiantely have a great appreciation for those that do it all the time! Hang in there Katie!
It does get better. But I am sure it is so hard right now on you because it is a big change and you are also hormonal due to baby #2. You guys will find a new routine that works for you. Will is such a cute boy. I’d give anything to stay at home with my 2 year old even though he exhausts me with everything he wants to do. I’m like “boy can’t we just sit down for 2 minutes” and he is like “outside outside, jump jump, play play” all day long. I’m sorry you are feeling the way you are and I hope things start to get better for you soon. I will definitely say prayers for you.
Another toddler mom here to say you’re not alone. You may feel you’re failing, but you’re just human. You’re adjusting. You’ll figure out a new system and it will get better. Don’t feel guilty or shameful or less than, because it will destroy any motivation you have left. Sometimes I just tell my toddler it’s Mommy’s quiet time and she has to go read books in her room and I go pray and ask the Lord to give me the patience, energy, and discernment I need to get through the rest of the day. It always works. I may not get everything done on my impossible to do list, but I feel the calm that only a Heavenly Father could give. Those prayers gave me the wisdom to figure out a positive discipline system that has kept our house calm for weeks and figure out my baby wasn’t just a raving lunatic one day, but that she was actually sick….could NOT have done this without HIM. Praying for you.
Oh Katie, I totally get it…sending many hugs and positive thoughts your way! It’s so hard as a SAHM not to expect yourself to do the “perfect” job. And being first trimester pregnant and in the beginning of such a huge transition on top of that?? Yeah…it’s just going to be a little rough for a while.
I am 34 weeks pregnant right now, and my other children are 18 months, and 7 years old. The dirty diaper stench? Wow. During the first 2/3 of this pregnancy, I literally had to pray everytime I finally got up the courage to change my little one’s dirty diaper, as in “Please God, help me, I cannot get through this without you.” Sounds like a small plea, but it actually made a huge difference. It was still difficult to get though it, but it kept me from literally getting sick each time I had to do it. Just wanted to let you know I completely relate : )
As for dinner, I try to make something at least a couple times a week, but sandwiches and pasta have never been more popular in our house than right now. And everyone likes them. And we keep lots of fruit, nuts and crackers around for easy eating, so at least no one starves. That’s a plus, right?! Maybe for Jeremy and Will, you could make sure to have some of those healthy snacks around, so at least there’s something easy to eat at hand that they enjoy.
Please don’t ever think you are failing. I do that to myself, yet it still makes my heart ache to think of someone feeling that way. Some seasons in life are about just getting through it, and growing as you learn what works and what doesn’t. It’s great that you and Will spend lots of time outside and that you’re doing special craft times…it sounds like that’s a good start in the process of finding how you all will thrive in the midst of all this change. You can do it! Baby steps. That’s what it’s all about when working through these transitions. If you can get one thing done around the house each day that you’ve wanted to do, it will feel amazing (lowered expectations are needed sometimes)! And it may take some time (or not too much time, who knows), but it will get better. You will get used to this new routine, and find ways to make things go more smoothly. Even though, as we all know, there will still be crazy times, but that’s just life : )
Keep your head up, and ask for help when you need it. And good for you for taking time to note the blessings that abound…sometimes that helps more than anything. Take care, and know that there are lots of people thinking about you!
Katie, you are completely NOT alone! It is a hard time you’re in right now and you just can’t get a lot done with a toddler running around! I completely agree that you should try to get Will into a mother’s morning out program to give yourself a break. Or, something I’ve done in the past is get a Mother’s helper (some younger girl who can’t technically babysit alone yet but wants to babysit) so you can have her play with Will while you get something done. It’s usually really cheap! Also, if you can try to get out and do something free like the library story time or a playdate. That helps you get out of the house and get your mind off of the mess and all that needs to be done. Praying that God will give you the grace you need during this rough spot!
1st time commenter here, longtime reader. Your post could not have come at a better time for me because…well, lately I have been thinking the SAME thing about my life. Husband and I both work full time, we are “daycare poor” and “house poor”. I yell at my sweet girls (ages 2 and 5) far too often because, like you, I am just SO tired. I Loooong for a nap. I feel like the worst mother, because I don’t really like to “play” with my girls, yet I LOVE them to pieces, how can this be? My house is a Disaster.Every.Day. I just can’t catch up (and I do try) My husband and I fall asleep on the sofa every night until my 2 year old non-sleeper wakes screaming. I still have yet to put fresh sheets on our bed from when said 2 year old’s pee-filled diaper leaked all over it 2 nights ago. She and I sleep off to one side (thank goodness for King sized beds) while my husband? Still sleeping on the sofa. Right now I have two HUGE baskets of laundry that need to be folded, and we can forget about even putting them away. Usually the clothes never make it to their drawers before we wear them. I just am so glad that you are in the same boat and apparently others are as well. I am NOT alone. And neither are you. Thank you for your always so candid posts. This must be just part of having small children…it must get better, easier? NO?
You’re not a failure and you’re most definitely not alone!
I’m 11 weeks pregnant with baby #2, and this first trimester is killer. I have never felt this worn out in my life. I have no motivation to clean, cook, etc. In fact, cooking makes me sick. I only want to eat burritos or nachos. Soooo my husband is downing Tums like they’re going out of style. All I want to do is sit on the couch and watch tv. I’m so ready to be out of the first trimester. Are you in the 2nd trimester yet? I’m sure once you get there, you’ll start feeling a little better and want to cook/clean.
Also, my husband was unemployed for the first 7 months of our son’s life. That was awesome. I got to take a shower/bath when I wanted to, completely blow dry and style my hair, actually get dressed and apply makeup. After my husband went back to work, it became so difficult to even get dressed in the morning. It’s a huge adjustment. Give yourself time and be patient with yourself. It is so tough to be home with a toddler all day. One of the things that really helps me is having a few events to go to throughout the week where my son can play with other kids. We go to storytime at the library once a week. He loves it and he gets worn out, and I get out of the house and can talk to other moms. I’ve found that really helps keep me sane.
You will get through this!
You’re totally not alone, I promise. I just had my first baby 9 weeks ago and feel the same way! Remember, the Lord is always faithful, never forgetting the needs of His children. I love to read through Psalm 145 when I am down and feeling inadequate.
Katie, at your supposed “worst”, you still kick the crap out of my “best”. 🙂 We got ya babe, take some time out and take care of you – the blog isn’t going anywhere and your readers are your forever-fans.
Sending hugs and thoughts, and if I lived closer I would so help you out!! Love to you, KB!
It doesn’t get easier. You just stop caring about the mess, dinner, showers basically anything to help you keep sanity. But its ok katie most of our houses are messy and our kids go to time out and its hard for us all. But you get through, you adapt.
I was in the same boat as you not that long ago! Don’t forget your newly pregnant so your hormones are raging and your probably more tired than ever! My boyfriend wakes up at 5 am, leaves at 6am, and doesn’t get home until 6 pm…we go to bed at 9pm every night. My 19 month old still wakes up anywhere from 1 to 5 times a night, and she gets up between 5am to 7am.
When I first got pregnant with my second child I would just die on the couch sometimes and she would run around and wreak havoc around me and I would just pray she didn’t get into something dangerous. Now that I’m in my 2nd trimester I’ve started to get some more energy and I find going for a walk helps, or taking Anna to the park. I usually spend her one nap sleeping, blogging, or maybbbeee sweeping the floors/doing the dishes. My motto has been surface clean lately.
It’s not easy being an all-the-time stay at home practically single mom. You probably will yell at your child more often than usual, lose your temper, and sometimes just crash on the couch and pretend the world doesn’t exist for a few moments but always remember your not alone 🙂 Hell, your post alone made me feel better, I was starting to wonder if I was alone in this suffering world!
This year I decided to go to grad school (full time) and my husband is a medical student – oh and our son is 17 months. And we only have my in-laws watch our son between about 4-6pm 3 days a week when I have class. Other than that, it’s baby and momma! So yeah, we’re basically crazy. But here’s my philosophy that has helped me get through this year: there are a lot of things that we try to/want to/feel like we should do that just don’t matter that much. Especially when it’s for a limited time. I do think Will will get easier when he’s a bit older – and when he has the baby to play with :). And when that day comes, you can do all those things that you want to do now. It’s hard to let things go, but when you do, it is awesome! So what if you feed your family a frozen dinner 3 nights a week? So what if Will ate the piece of banana off the floor? Did it make him sick? Of course you don’t want to live in complete squalor, but clean your house because it makes you feel peaceful and calm to be in a clean space – not because you think you owe it to your family or because you think you’re failing at being a good wife. Basically, remember that “to every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven”. And sometimes the season is not when you have an energetic toddler to take care of! Will will be happier in a messy house with a happier mom than in a clean house with a mom who doesn’t have time for him!
And yeah, find another toddler for him to play with – trying to entertain a toddler all day is freaking exhausting! Keep your chin up! You’re doing great! {No permanent damage done!}
You’re not failing. You’re just human.
I think you will probably adjust to being home alone with Wil for such long days. But you need to give yourself a break – hire a sitter or have a family member/friend watch Wil a few times a week.
And I can sympathize with how you feel – I just shortened my maternity leave by two weeks because I was going crazy being home alone with a baby all day! (our toddler still went to daycare while I was home). It’s really hard; get some help when you need it!
As a side note – I found that my second pregnancy was harder than my first. I was so worn out and crabby. I think it’s because I was chasing a toddler around all the time….
Katie,
One of the things I love best about your blog is your candid honesty. You are so real, and it only makes me want to support you (and read along) more! I don’t have children yet, but even with my husband, my home and my work there are definitely times when I feel like I am seriously failing. Its the human condition. You are so NOT alone in this. In fact, you’re’ the opposite. By admitting you struggle with these things, you’ve opened the door for all of your readers to share our struggles…and for all of us to do our best to lift one another up with positive thoughts and prayers.
Hang in there Katie. You’re a great mom and wife, friend and blogger (this is the only one I have first hand experience with, but I’m pretty sure the first three are true ;)! Sending my prayers your way. Thanking you for your honesty. This is what communities are for 🙂
xo, Carli
It does get easier! I’m a SAHM of 4 teens – and I remember the first few years very well. It was hard! My husband was building his career and working about 90 hrs a week (really!!) and I had 4 kids in under 6 yrs. I was exhausted, stressed, and cranky. But I learned something very important – I was good enough! I did my best – my house wasn’t picture perfect (it still isn’t), my kids weren’t fed perfectly well balanced meals all of the time, and I wasn’t dressed to impress most days. But – we all survived!
Accept that your life doesn’t look like a Pinterest pin – no one’s does! And although 4 teens is a lot of work (and we still have good and bad days – and sometimes they get Eggos for dinner), it becomes a lot easier when you just accept it all.
And BTW, I love your blog – and sometimes I wonder how you do it all. Don’t beat yourself up – you don’t need to be perfect. This is REAL life!
And when i say I am “glad you are in the same boat”, I really don’t mean that, I realized that may have been a rude statement. I just wish no-one felt the way we do. Bt its seeming to me that it is the norm for busy moms. How come no-one ever TALKS about it! That makes us stressed out mommies feel even more inadequate because I don’t know about you, but I naively thought that everyone ELSE had their “stuff” so together. It is just refreshing to see that we are not alone. Chin up 🙂
Ugh, sorry to sound so negative with the “it’s just going to be a little rough for a while”. That sounds much scarier than I meant it to! I meant all that to encourage you, not freak you out. Expressing my emotions through writing is not a gift of mine, that’s for sure : )
I wish I had some sage-like advice for times like these, but all I can say is . . . I get it. I understand. My husband has a pretty short commute and some days it still feels like an eternity before he comes home. Being pregnant when it’s your first (even if you have morning sickness and food aversions and all that drama) is totally different than being pregnant with your 2nd or 3rd because you can’t just nap whenever you want or stop moving to give yourself some time alone. There is always kid stuff going on that you need to attend to . . . it’s just a whole different dynamic. It helps to have some mom friends around (or your own mom, or MIL) to give you a break once in awhile, but that’s not always possible (I know that it’s not for me . . . my mom lives in another state, my MIL works full time, and my few mom friends in town also work at least part time). Instead, you just have to evolve and find your new groove and figure out your new schedule with being pregnant and having a toddler . . . and definitely just let go of perfection and flip Pinterest the bird. Have someone help you make some freezer meals so that dinner isn’t too frustrating. Employ the crockpot. Sometimes it’s easier to dump a bunch of stuff in the pot in the morning rather than dread the dinner hour. (I know, sometimes even that is easier said than done!) It’s only 10:30 in the morning, and I’ve already wanted to throw in the towel on this day like 8 times. Lord give me strength. Love you, girl.
Thank you! I love it when bloggers are so honest. We have two children and one on the way…in a few short weeks! And I sometimes feel like I’ll never catch up. I’ve tried every chore chart and 15 minute a day clean up method, but I just. can’t. keep. up.
Our dryer broke when we moved to our house in January and let’s just say, I’m thankful my 7 year old has several swimsuits bottoms. I don’t know how other moms do it and I’m just convinced that they don’t. Maybe we’re all just playing this game of homemaker masquerade? By the way, I’m such a loser in this game 🙁 I can’t even fake it. Neither do I want to. Because on those days when we’ve had fries for lunch (it happened for an entire week, once), my daughter has worn swim bottoms to school, my two year old son won’t allow me to watch anything other than “Fresh Beat Band,” and my husband just wants a home cooked meal…I look to God and remember I can’t make it without him, so I’m gonna stop trying. And somehow, I manage to wash and hang a few loads of clothes, cook and somewhat healthy meal, and be grateful to enjoy another episode of “Fresh Beat Band” with my little man.
You have pretty much described my life..especially since I got pregnant (The fatigue and a high energy early bird toddler just don’t mix.)
I find it much harder to keep my temper under control, I have bowed down to the TV demon and let my daughter eat her lunch while watching 64 zoo lane every day so I can have some peace, I have a purple smoothie stain on my carpet that’s been there for a week and I just don’t feel like scrubbing it up, I don’t have the energy to play horsey or kitty or chase for as long as she would like and there are toys scattered from wall to wall in my living areas.
Some days I have to put her in her room for a while so I can just go and sit in the shower and cry.
You aren’t alone, you aren’t a bad mother and soon this will all pass.
I don’t usually comment, but I can’t let you feel this way without trying to help. First of all, thank you for saying out loud what I feel about myself CONSTANTLY. Especially the part about being so blessed but failing your blessings. I hear you. I feel that way too. However, in the long run we may want to be the perfect wife, mother, etc but we will always fail more than we succeed. I think that what counts in life, or rather what we should count in life, is getting up each day and trying to do better than the day before. You know? Our parents weren’t perfect either, and I certainly remember being put in time out, being yelled at, and being fed something really random when my mom was trying to cook; and goodness knows I’ve done all of those things with my own child- but I turned out just fine and so will my child. And so will Will. We will never be perfect, but we are enough. Trying is enough:)
Oh girl. You are not failing. Not even a little bit. Struggling, sure. But that’s normal. You’ve got a lot on your plate and you’re stressed. You’re human. It’s okay. We all fall down sometimes. Half the time I don’t even realize I’ve fallen until I’m like, “Oh hey, the sky looks bigger from here. Must be ’cause I’m on the ground. That explains the dirt taste, too.”
You’ve got the right idea, though. It’s rare to be able to get back up on your own. So I’ll be praying for you, and I know that you’ll get through this. You’ve got friends and family and readers and a God that all love you. You’ll be okay.
Girl, I think you have a case of the “I’m pregnant and have a two year old at home, my husband is now no longer home most of the time”. There have been A LOT of major changes in your household as of late. You have every right to feel overwhelmed, but please believe me when I say that you are definitely NOT failing! You, my friend, are an amazing woman. You are an amazing mother AND wife. Give yourself a break and remember that you are so strong. I mean, you can grow people for goodness sake! That is definitely a super power. So relax, take a deep breath, have a good cry, and then remember that you are in the middle of a trial and that God is carrying you through it.
Hey Katie- Totally not failing!!! Hang in there, try and see some positives (freshly shaved boyfriend, bacon, etc) and get to tomorrow. and tomorrow and tomorrow. You are in my thoughts all the way up here in MN!
Katie, Katie, Katie!!!! Please stop being so hard on yourself!!! You are dealing with a major change and learning how to adjust your lifestyle around that change. Can I tell you my story? Yes? No? Ok! when I met my hubby he was in the navy, we got married and he was finished with his 4 years and we together decided that he should not reenlist. He went through a series of odd jobs as I worked at normal office jobs. He now has a job with an amazing company, making a nice salary. We had a son in May of 2010 and since April of 2010 I have been staying at home. I am currently pregnant, due on June 8th and my husband travels more now than he did when he was in the Navy. So, how can I relate to you and what does any of this have to do with you? Well, first I totally understand that things are getting neglected around your house and dinner isn’t always a gourmet meal that’s ready when Jeremy walks in the door. My sons birthday is in less than a month and I just recently nailed down the theme and made a list of important things to do for it. I have not even started the nursery and I’m due in less than 2 months! Really, it’s not even painted. I also never clean my house and have just started having a cleaning lady. My family and friends think the cleaning lady is ridicoulous since “I’m home all the time” but I’m 7 months preggo and chase a toddler around all day, I have no energy or desire to clean! I also just started dropping off my son at a sitter so I could get errands and grocery shopping done without that meltdown you mentioned:) I was the mom who said “I would NEVER get a sitter in order to do things without my son which he can come with me to do”! Yep, I’m eating those words!
Also, this has to do with You because I can honestly say things WILL get easier. Seriously, my hubby was gone for 61 days straight last fall and that was during my 1st trimester when I was sick almost every day. Not throwing up sick, just very nauseous, so it could have been worse for me too;) as I write this he is in Taiwan for at least 3 weeks:( I say at least because the schedule he gets before he leaves is always estimated and he could be gone longer, or home earlier, so this job is full of ups and downs for us. He is not in the military, he works for a company here in the states, but they do business worldwide. He is (on average) gone for 8 months out of the year. I am wondering how I’ll do this with the baby and my son, but I know that’s it’s for good reason and he is making a mich bigger sacrifice than I am, just as Jeremy is making a hugh sacrific too! Just imagine how hard it is on our husbands to be away from us and our sons for that many hours a day!
My positive, light at the end of the tunnel, thing to look forward to is this: when my husband is not traveling, he is at home 24/7 and gettting paid for it! Yep, he spends a lot of time gone, but we have our time together too. For example, he was home for 3 straight months after our son was born and he didn’t miss the birth! Score!! It was amazing and the biggest blessing after having a baby and learning everything to have him here all day every day. However, we always have to learn to live together after he gets home and that can be a challenge, so even my blessings have a downside!
So here are some things you can be thankful for while knowing that life will get easier and you’ll find your groove with this big change:
1. Jeremy is home every night and on the weekends (I assume)
2. You get to spend each day with Will watching him learn, teaching him the way you want him to learn, and you don’t have to drop him off at some strange place full of strangers he is forced to get to know
3. You have a husband who is making a great sacrific so you can stay home with your little man and future babe!
4. No one sees your house on a daily basis, so let it be as messy as you want/need. There are more important things in life than a clean floor. But maybe you can take one room at a time and each day of the week clean up that room. Monday you focus on laundry and the laundry room, Tuesday you clean the kitchen really well, Wednesday you do the bedrooms, etc. it may make your workload seem not so big and still give you time for other projects each day!?
5. Also, I know I’m blessed with a son who is good at playing independently so maybe Will can change that once he realizes that there is not someone constantly there to play with him. Oh and don’t feel bad about the “daddy is betting at kissing boo boo’s” thing, that will soon change when he realizes daddy isn’t the one who is there all day and can’t kiss them or play with him, he will be attached to you in no time! I’m not a good “player” either and Dallas knows it! I can only run around the house once before I have to sit down, daddy on the other hand will run with him for 20 minutes:(
So, I hope my story helps you. Keep your head up and remember, change is a good thing and what’s meant to happen, will happen. It will be for the best!
Much love and big hugs!!!
-Alyssa
PS: longest comment ever, hope I didn’t put you to sleep!
Sorry you’re feeling overwhelmed. You have to let go of these ideals you hold yourself to and just realize that being a Mom is hard work and not all of the decorating, cleaning, etc. will get done right away. If someone is commuting 2 hrs each way to work, I would try to change that…sometimes that means giving up a big house, etc. Think about what you want to prioritize, maybe that means blogging less, not holding yourself to a certain schedule or standard, taking care of yourself and your family. People and relationships are more important than things.
I’m not a mom, but I was a nanny. The days I got the most done were the days when the kids had friends over to play. They entertained themselves and I could go about my merry way and wash sheets or plan lunch or sweep up Cheerios. It seems counter intuitive to add more when you feel already overwhelmed, but it worked for me. Hang in there!
I can’t tell you how much this post means to me. You are a real person Katie Bower! and it is amazing to have the conviction to share with complete strangers that you are in fact just like us.
Thanks for saying the things I feel every single day and so publicly. I end most days feeling like such a failure. I find myself comparing myself to other Moms who seem to do it all. How on earth do they make it look so easy. I mean they’re tackling project after project and I’m proud if I manage to run the vaccum that day. My husband and I try to laugh at our situation because one day will probably miss all the chaos. In the meantime hang in there and know your not alone. I wonder how my poor mother managed with 5 children under 6.
hey, katie, there’s a book out there called “created to be his helpmeet” by debbie pearl. it’s really helpful in reminding us why we’re here and on a practical level it helps to focus on our number one goal of “helping” our husbands. it makes things so much clearer when thinking about what is important to our husbands and doing that. for example, he probably does not care about the house looking like pinterest, so you can dismiss that care yourself ; ) next to the Bible, i’ve never come across a more helpful book, and if i could go back in time, i would have read it years ago when i was a young wife and mother.
I don’t have kids. I’m not married. I live in an adorable apartment in NYC and I have a good job and I am working to start my own event planning business. I told my friend Ana the other day that I am tired of taking care of me. My bathroom hasn’t been cleaned in at least 3 weeks. I dread going grocery shopping. I actually get angry at my laundry, but simultaneously angry at my empty closet. I hate that I have to cook for myself at least 3 times every day AND do all of the dishes. So periodically… I stop. A few weeks ago I hadn’t done laundry in so long that you couldn’t even see my floor anymore because there just wasn’t any room left in the hamper. Dishes were over-flowing the sink because I just didn’t FEEL like it. And my bank account was quickly emptying because I was ordering out so so much.
All this, and it’s JUST ME! I think you are doing a GREAT job! You are raising a great little boy, you have your own booming photography business, you run this completely addicting blog (I just can’t get enough of your family!!) and just look at all that you have accomplished around your house recently! There is nothing that looks like a failure to me! And yes, you get frustrated, but you are still able to count your blessings. You know how wonderful Will and Jeremy and New Baby Bower are. It’s ok, it’s all fine. Crying is allowed, frustration is expected. You are adjusting to a lot of changes all at once, so give yourself some time! And be patient with yourself, you deserve it!
When all else fails, you always have the excuse that you are currently growing a brand new human and that you just need to take a minute!
Dude, so right there with you. I’m 19 weeks and until like, yesterday, I hadn’t cleaned the house once. Seriously. My poor husband has been carrying us all on his back. And I’m not talking about Pinterest Perfection, like I’m beating myself up for mismatching his clothes because we don’t have any clean laundry. I’m hoping I can just find something for him to eat and it’s like I just figured out he eats 4 times a day, you wouldn’t know I’ve been feedin him for a year and a half! Sigh. I’ve been feeling sooooo much better though. Transition sucks and leaves destruction in its wake, but it is the sidekick to Hormones. Hormones is the villain of villains. And those get better. Second trimester honey. (and maybe a little extra). You’ll forget how bad it really is right now in your euphoria at feeling better. Poor little mama. We all go through these times of surviving but when you’re not pregnant or nursing a newborn, you’ll be a rockstar again- its not your fault you don’t have any energy sweetheart, you are pregnant remember?
Great honest and touching post. Don’t worry it will get easier. Maybe when the baby comes it may get harder before it gets easier… but you will find the balance.
You aren’t alone. I remember the hard days. You need a local friend with a younger child too. You can hang out with each other, cry together, shop together, clean together etc. You take turns propping each other up and helping. Surely you can find someone suitable close to you.
Hang in there! You are doing a good job – even though you feel like you’re not at this moment – you are doing a good job in the long run- remember that always!
Also – take a Pinterest vacation. Stop looking at it for 2 weeks. No exceptions. I mean it!
And get your mom/sister/MIL/neighbor/babysitter to come and take over 1 day a week. This will help tremendously. And then that whole day… you plan to be out of the house for 8 hours – like a work day. Seriously! Even if its just to go to the grocery store, or a place with WiFi so you can sit and blog in peace, you need time apart from Will -every mom does.
And for dinner – give Jeremy a list of take out places and make him order food on his long commute home, and then he can swing by and pick it up on his way! Then when Daddy gets home – viola! din din!
Come on girl – hang in there – you got this. You’re just having a bad week – we’ve all been there. “this too shall pass.” 🙂 Much love from Jacksonville…
I love you. Is that weird? But I do, because you’re honest and real. And even though I don’t have any children or do nearly as much as you do, everyone hits a wall and gets overwhelmed or stressed. Just breathe. And you definitely need some YOU time and maybe ask to see if you can ask a family memember for some help — I’m sure people will be more than willing to watch Will, or bring you extra left overs, etc. Plus, I think you’re doing fine, you’re not super-human afterall. 🙂
I don’t post on here often, but do read every day. I just wanted to come on here and offer my support. You are not failing. You are a mom at home alone with a toddler for 12 hours per day. Aside from the 12 hr work days (my husband was gone for 10), that used to be me. And it was hard. Especially because I had left work, was the first of my friends to have kids and found it really hard to meet other moms. I felt deceived! Where were all the other SAHMs hiding? I thought they were supposed to be everywhere. And my family are all in England, and I’m in Tennessee. I was on my own. A previous commenter mentioned a schedule, and that’s a great idea. It saved me. We made sure to do one activity every morning, be home for lunch, then the little guy would take a nap in the afternoon while I studied (I was in grad school too). Our week used to look like this:
MON – story time at the library
TUE – grocery shopping at Super Target
WED – walk around the mall
THUR – go play with the trains at the bookstore
FRI – walk around the park
When he was two, he got a place at the local nursery school two mornings a week, and after I dropped him off, I would often go to a bookstore with a coffee shop, grab a drink and a pile of magazines and just have some time to myself that did not involve housework. It was great for his socialization. I’m sure plenty of churches will have Mothers Day Out programs where you live (I know they do because my in-laws used to live close to where you are, in Lawrenceville). I think that would be great for you and Will. I also made some mom friends from this nursery school after 2+ years of crushing loneliness. But then I got pregnant again, and we moved to a small town. I was even more isolated then before. It’s been nearly 5 years, and I now have 3 kids, aged 7, 4 and 19 mths. I am so glad I work full-time as this is a very strange small town, with nothing to do and residents who don’t make friends with “outsiders” ie people not born and raised here. If I didn’t work full-time, I would be miserable, and as it is, if I have to stay home with the kids, I am at a loss for what to do. I have lost my SAHM mojo. You just need to rediscover yours, and it will get better as you all adjust to this new schedule. Get out of the house a bit. Take Will to that outdoor mall where you went on the horse ride at Christmas and just take a stroll, or go to the library. You’ll find your way.
Hugs! xxx
What DO you do during the days? Blog, edit photos, and yard work? Your family should be first and foremost. No SAHM has a perfect house, kids are messy and the days are full, but having 12 hours a day to care for 1 kid should not be THAT hard. (No, I am not speaking out my bum, I am also a SAHM with a few kids) I’m sorry to sound harsh but after how much you complained about not being able to get pregnant, I have a hard time understanding why you felt so ready to have another one. (I don’t mean that I’m not happy for you, I AM) Having a husband who commutes can be difficult, especially emotionally but it shouldn’t be disabling. Is that why he commutes now, because he wasn’t able to get everything done from home because he was helping. I’m just being honest.. you live a relatively privileged life and you are making it out to be a lot harder than it should be. I know those feelings are there and they are real, but you may need to look into some type of therapy. And it might help to not spread yourself so thin. Maybe the blog needs a break, maybe your photography business needs an assistant.. something. Family first Katie. I’m sorry that comes off so mean but you have to get some help before things get worse. Dirty floors and skipped dinner once a week or so is one thing, but you make it sound like things are way way worse than that. I hope you get some help or relief that you need, I really do. You can’t get everything in order in one day, but make a plan and stick to it. Sometimes I get so behind on laundry that I just have to make a “laundry day” Nothing else happens except laundry! It consumes that day but then its done. Sometimes you just have to prioritize and finish something instead of getting just an inch ahead on every thing. Best of luck to you!
have you seen this article? please tell me you’ve seen this article..
http://powerofmoms.com/2012/04/your-children-want-you/
Usually I just read, but I HAVE to comment on this post. Everything you are feeling is normal! My hubby had a crazy job when my oldest was a newborn and was gone for 10-12 hours a day also. He was colicky (the baby, not my hubby *wink*). Yeah, some days were not pretty.
You WILL adjust. It will just take time. You are NOT failing–just normal.
Katie,
I’m not a mom-I am married and our life at times get out of control literally out of control – messy house meals not made and to the point I don’t know where to begin to regain control. After discussing this with my brother who lives out of state and I realized I needed to reach out and ask for help. First I developed a plan: for instance I try to cook a huge meal on Monday which my loving husband eats most of the week without complaining. That helped free up time to do other things like finish my masters degree. Accomplishing one thing made me feel so much better. Then I shared my personal struggle with a friend over lunch and felt better not world change but like I had a cheerleader to help me because I opened up and let someone in by simply saying I need help.
Pinterest oh how I love these and could spend hours desiring to do new projects or comparing myself to others who do wonderful things but God gifted me with other talents and I can’t feel insecure about what I can’t do. I don’t mean to sound preachy but Katie you have done amazing thing – you need to limit the pinterest looking:) take a sabbatical from it for a week or two 🙂
Will it get better yes-develop a plan. Will it get better tomorrow maybe slightly better than today but it does take time. You and the hubs need to find your new norm -meaning his job changed life changed and it will be okay after you settle into a routine.
Finally thanks for sharing I think often we ladies think everyone has things under control and are so well put together and well adjusted when really inside we are broken. I hope someday when I am expecting my second I might reread your blog and realize I’m not the only one who has felt this way 🙂
You are not a lone!
Hey Katie,
Not a SAHM but when I was in high school I remember being paid like $4/hour to be a mother’s helper—basically, I’d show up for an hour or two and play with the kids so their mom could get some things done. They thought it was awesome having an “older friend” who would push them on the swings or just sit on the floor and color or play cars with them. Their mom thought it was awesome because she could shut herself in her computer room and do work—knowing that if anything went wrong, I’d just come get her.
It was just the idea of having another adult in the house (although at that point I was like … 16 or 17 so I wasn’t really an “adult.”) It might be worth seeing if there’s anyone in your neighborhood or social circle who might be interested in something like that. Most of the time I’d go over right after school (around 3) and stay until dinner (around 6ish?)—and either the mom would pull out something easy i could make for the kids (spaghetti & hotdogs, mac & cheese, etc) or she’d use me being there as a opportunity to cook something up.
It’s not having Jeremy home… but at least it would mean not being / feeling so alone. Heck, girl, if i was local to ya I’d come down and offer to relieve you for a few hours a week 🙂
I’m not going to pretend that I know what being a stay at home mom is like, or any kind of mom because I’m not, but thats the thing — I don’t even have kids and I feel like I’m failing and in atime crunch all the time too.
Hubby and I both work full time and got a puppy and its just been hell. We have to fix up the house we bought a year ago. Can you say giant hole in ceiling unrepaired? Wet basement we haven’t even attempted to clean? Or hallway where the rug is ripped up that we can’t let the dog into because we still have yet to remove the nails and staples.
The other day I had to wear christmas socks to work because I haven’t done laundry in two weeks. Sometimes DH has to reuse his boxers.
My only two tips would be: get a secure little play pen for will while you decompress? And the crockpot is your best friend!! Use her everyday for Jer’s dinner!!
“There will be so many time you feel like you have failed, BUT in the eyes, heart and mind of your child, you are super Mom!” – Stephanie Precourt
That is how we all feel at points in our lives as moms. I agree with other posters – see if you can get some playdates for Will to comeover, or a preschool program or something. Boys are tough at that age they just want to run around and play – which is why they do well outside. You need to get some sort of break for yourself if you can. And let your expectations lower. You had it really good with Jeremy being home with you. So know life has to change. Try not to stress.
I think it’s wonderful that you shared this, so that everyone else everywhere who is feeling the exact same thing knows they are not alone. I don’t have children, but I’ve got a new home and a boyfriend with an opposite schedule, and a puppy, and 3 cats and even THAT gets overwhelming- I can’t imagine throwing a little one in the mix. Even if it doesn’t get easier, it will get more manageable. You’ll find a stride and it will be ok! I hope your son takes an extra long nap for you today, and I hope that during that time you just sit around and enjoy the peace instead of dwelling on the madness. 🙂
I honestly think that 90% of this is pregnancy hormones/tiredness. You’re pregnant. Your body wants to relax, with lots of people around! And that’s okay! Even if Jeremy hadn’t started commuting, I think that being pregnant with a toddler and a big house to take care of would be difficult. And you’re right, it’s MUCH more difficult without adult company.
But you’re not failing. You’re just pregnant! You’re exhausted and achy and hormonal, and those are all completely normal parts of gestating a human.
I remember long, long days with a husband gone, toddlers and pregnant with another baby. It is so tiring, and so overwhelming, and there are so many things you need to do and feel you should be doing. It does pass – but it feels like it will never end, doesn’t it?
I had no family nearby, no extra childcare – all me – and it was a crazy time! We did a LOT of crafts.
However, it does change – they change, you change, he changes – and eventually you can look back from the craziness you are experiencing now to the craziness you experienced then and appreciate it more. I have 3 teens and a 9 yo now – and it is still crazy, just a different crazy. Prayer and venting are both helpful!
I don’t have anything new or earth-shattering in addition to all these lovely and supportive comments, but wanted to add another “voice” in response to your post. I often (daily…) feel that I’m coming up short in all areas of my life (full-time work out of the house, two little ones and a husband at home…not to mention the upkeep of the house and yard…and the rest of our family…). I’m only one person and I CANNOT DO IT ALL. I can do a lot and I can do my best (though I’m not always up to trying my best all the time…need more sleep…).
You’re raising a beautiful son, running your own businesses, caring for your husband and home, and growing another person (which, in my opinion, is a full-time job). Take care of yourself, actively ask for and accept help, and cut yourself some slack. Life isn’t easy, but it can be beautiful.
I feel your pain! We ALL struggle to keep it together and that doesn’t equal failing. My boys are 4 and 2 and I just recently quit my job to stay at home with them. I was LOST at first but I’ve found one thing that helps tremendously is making myself a schedule. Of course, I never follow it exactly because things always come up, errands need to be run, we decide to go to the park/library/Grandmas, etc, but use it as a guideline for my day. This is what it looks like:
6 am – up, Bible time, many cups of coffee (this is ESSENTIAL for me!! I cannot skip it if I want my day to run relatively smoothly)
7 am – kids up, breakfast, blog/pinterest/internet time
7:30 – shower while the kids play or watch a movie or sit in the bathroom whining, dress, hair/makeup
8:30 – 10:30 – kids dressed, beds made, quick pick up of the house, look ahead at dinner and do whatever I need to get it ready for that night, try to do chores, get laundry going
10:30-12:00 – fun time: quilting or knitting for me, play for the kids
12:00-1:00 – lunch and then as soon as the kids are down for a nap I scramble to get the floors cleaned up since it’s impossible to do when they are up.
1:00-3:00 – nap or rest time for the kids, homework for me (i’m in school, telecourses only)
3:00-4:00 – mom and kids play together
4:00- dinner prep starts
My husband leaves for work at 4:45 and gets home anytime between 6pm and 8pm so I’m totally on my own. Like I said, I never follow this exactly, but I’ve found having some structure not only helps me to at least get the clutter picked up around the house, but also gives me ME time.
Keep your chin up!
Oh Miss Katie, Please don’t be so hard on yourself. Like another reader wrote, Will is SMILING. He’s THRIVING. Does your church offer any type of women’s ministry? At my church there is a group that meets once a week with kids and just let the kids go nuts for a few hours while the mom’s get to relax. It’s usually at the local park, but sometimes at someones house. Even if your church doesn’t have something like that, make your own. Get friends together once a week with their kids and do NOT make this feel like you have to be suzy homemaker and have organic snacks and homemade crafts. Please. I came across this article and I’m begging you to read it. It has done wonders for me and that little Pinterest devil on my shoulder. http://powerofmoms.com/2012/04/your-children-want-you/ I can’t promise it will be easier because it probably won’t for a while, but it can get BETTER.
Katie:
Be kind to yourself!
Take care of yourself first and foremost…only then can you take care of others!
Take all the time in the world!! We will patiently wait for you.
No apologies needed.
We love you. We worry about you. You must come first.
Take all the time you need.
B.
P.S. I wish I lived closer. I would love to help you in any way I could. Just sayin’…..I am in NH, too far away.
Yesterday was I imagine hell to be like. No one got along, fighting, hitting, screaming, yelling, time outs, room time, take things away, AWFUL. I am a SAHM of a 5, 2, and 4mo old (who hates sleep!!) When we went to baseball last night one of the kids on my sons team (5) had 2 older brothers doing the same thing. I wanted to cry but laughed with his mom instead when I said…”Oh no, I thought this would get better as they got older”…She then laughed at me and said…”Oh honey, it only gets worse, bc they get bigger and stronger” OH GREAT! Hang in there! We can breathe thru this together!
I am only the mother of a small dog, but I often send him out to do his business on the patio because I am too lazy to take him on a real walk (I have no yard). And I work 50 hours a week so he doesn’t see me that much to begin with. I have no husband and really feel like I would be too tired to have one. I don’t think you are a failure. Children are lovely, cute, intelligent blessings but also annoying and monotonous. These are the things they never tell you when they are talking about the glory of motherhood. I have a little niece I love very much, but she can also be a real patience-tester. In the olden days mothers didn’t feel they had to do 500 things all of the time and were able to trade kids and sit around having coffee and smoking while the children played with each other. Also, I don’t think they cared if those children sometimes went to the babysitter or got yelled at to “leave me alone already – I’m in the bathroom!” No one cared about this because it was the ’70s and people still drank while they were pregnant and had the kid standing up in the middle of the car seat while driving. Don’t go back that far but give yourself permission to still be a person and have your own needs. Take Jumpy Pants to his Granny’s or something. Hire him a babysitter or give him to a single person for the afternoon who will love him up and not mind the constant jumping and yelling for other people. You deserve it. Also, who cares about filthy houses. If you are not yet to the hoarders point I say chip through the first layer and call it good. Or treat yourself to a cleaning person once a month. I did it and it is money well spent. I have a two-bedroom house that I can’t keep up with.
Also, your kid and husband won’t remember the yelling. They will just relish the times of no yelling and remember all the love you’ve given them. That’s more important than a clean bathroom. Also, everyone has their strengths so let Mr. Hot Pants’ be kissing the boo boos. It probably makes him feel very special and important and not all daddies get to feel that way when the little people are very little and want the mommy all the time.
Hang in there! You are 100 percent fabulous – from one single person to a very delightful married mother. Trust me. I know what I’m talking about.
one more idea!
What about your church.. do they have some sort of “Mother’s morning out” program? usually its pretty cheap.. and it would give you 4 hours un interrupted.. you should google that for your area and see what comes up.. there’s got to be someone who can help you out- I know you are on a tight budget, but maybe you could take some of your photog money for some alone time? or…. sell off some of your massive closet of clothes…… 🙂 since you won’t be wearing them for the next year anyway.
Also, this depends on your schedule but if Jer is home on weekends, use Sat or Sun to do all the grocery and food prep for the week and that way you can leave Will at home, sans grocery store melt down!
Or, since you say you’re used to a late bed time, are there any 24-7 grocery stores open in your area? You could go late night while Jer is home with Will.
Any family close by that could come over on a weekly schedule for a few hours for help?
seriously you are not alone… and that’s what i try to tell myself too when this happens to me. when you look online and it seems like everyone else has the “perfect” kids and they have everything together, it just isn’t true, it’s what they put out there. my husband works every other weekend and 12 hour days, 2 days a week and some of those days i feel like pulling my hair out. i feel like i am constanly yelling at my almost 3 year old because she is extremely independent and high maintenance rolled all in one and refuses to listen unless you scream at her…. its hard! on top of it i have a 6 month old who luckily is laid back, but i feel like i don’t spend enough “quality” time with him.
my house is a disaster too. i work 40 hours a week, then come home to take care of the kiddos and by the time they are both in bed, i am exhausted and the last thing i want to do is clean. our house looks like a disaster area on most days. it is stressful, but to be honest i tell myself it will get better when ben is old enough to play with lorelei and not just stare at her, but who knows… basically i just want to let you know that you are not alone and it’s all worth it in the end.
Praying for you and your family KB! I can’t imagine how hard it is to adjust to all the changes that are coming your way right now. Just know that you’re NOT failing! Things might not always get done but so be it. Your son is happy, to me, that’s success.
Hi Katie,
I’m not a mom yet, (October 4th! 🙂 ) so I don’t know what it’s like. Sometimes I start thinking “I’m the only one that does anything around the house….blah blah. If I slacked today things would just pile up and be even worse tomorrow.” and it’s just me not allowing my hubs to do things his way. I just have to start thinking positively or it only gets worse. I know it’s totally different from your situation, but maybe try to see the sunshine will help when you’re feeling gloomy too?
Also, I started reading this blog Memories on Clover Lane, and this lady has me aspiring to be patient, kind, and loving to every stinking body! (Memoriesoncloverlane.com) She’s pregnant with her 6th and has awesome insight on how to handle loving and caring for all of her kiddos, but she admits all the time that life isn’t perfect and she feels like crap sometimes too.
Happy Friday! 🙂
Nicole
I feel your pain. Being a stay at home mom is one of the best things I’ve ever done but it is by far the hardest. Like you, I also work from home. My work hours are usually somewhere in the middle of the night when the house is quiet and I have the time to do it. I’ve had such a hard time keeping up since my daughter was born 14 months ago with not only that but just daily household chores.
My husband is only gone 7:45-5:15.. and I feel like at about 4 o’clock time starts to go by so s-lo-w-l-y. Even though he’s worked all day too, I can’t help but be relieved when he can come home and help. I feel so guilty when I have days that he comes home and the house is still trashed, nothing has been accomplished besides keeping the baby alive all day, dinner hasn’t even been thought about and I’m still in my pjs. I’m pregnant too, and that just adds another obstacle since I’m tired and nauseous all day.
I really don’t have any advice other than keep talking to your husband about how you feel, even if it comes out in fight form sometimes. Talking to my husband and letting my feelings out (even if it gets ugly) is the only thing that really helps me.
I think every mom feels like this at some point, it’s just that no one ever talks about it 🙂
As a mother of two 30 somethings with four grandchildren, you are in one of the busiest times of your life. As a new mom, you are always “ON”, always feeding, changing, cleaning, cooking, playing, teaching, guiding. . . leaving no ME time or rest. Years ago on a particular frustrating day I asked my mother when I would be feeling this joy of motherhood I hear so much about and she said when they grow up and leave home! I had a good laugh and moved forward.
Seriously, I hope you have family that you can call to give you a small much needed break! You will get through this! HANG ON!
Katie – I’m failing, too. I’m a doctoral student in music with two little kids (4 and almost 2), school is a 90 minute commute from home, husband is in the military and the week of my recital, everybody (including my parents, who are visiting from Canada) got norovirus. And I got called up on the mat last night for an hour after my recital (my children and husband were in the car – my parents were home in bed) by my committee, dressing me down for a ll the things I did, didn’t do, or just failed at. We all go through this. And a keeping up with a blog when you’re running around after a toddler while pregnant is hard. Keeping up with your own last name when you’re running around after toddler while pregnant is hard.
I hate giving advice but here it is: Take a deep breath. Find a great (ok, good enough) babysitter who can take Will for a few hours a week who is not family. Not that there’s anything wrong with family, but this is different. Find a MOPS group. MOPS practically saved my life when we lived in Germany. Set boundaries. Blog less. Maybe a couple times a week instead of 5 days, unless you feel like it.
I’ll try and do something similar if you even take up one of those suggestions. Deal?
I don’t know why I so rarely comment on blogs. I mean, if I had a blog, I would want comments. Lots and lots. Every day. You are so not alone. You are pregnant and there’s been a big shift in your routine, and it’s hard. Staying at home with a toddler, or infant, or pre-schooler is just hard. There aren’t a lot of people who seem to do it, and the ones that I know who do also homeschool the heck out of them or write a blog and look beautiful (ahem, katie bower) and it seems like everyone else has it all figured out. But your words resonate with me so much. I have a 4, 3, and almost 1 year old, and there are months when my husband works that same 12 hour stretch and it can feel suffocating. Especially when you think you shouldn’t feel a certain way. I don’t like my children, I must be a monster. I’m so LUCKY to be able to stay home with them, then why do I just want to be alone? We have lost our extended communities, and I think the blog world helps in bringing a bit of it back (like this blog post, thank you so much for writing it btw), but has a nasty backswing with the whole posting only the good parts, making life look a bit unrealistic. I love your blog, your style, your innate you-ness. You are pregnant, you are overwhelmed, and you have times when you could be doing much worse and when you could be doing better. You are wonderfully human, and whatever your day is, know that you made mine so much better because I felt just a little bit less alone on this journey.
PS: It gets better.
Hi Katie,
I sent you an email with something I thought might help you bit wanted to share offline. I’m posting the comment here just in case you look at the comments more than your email or it’s easier for you to see them while on the go. Thanks and let me know what you think.
Alison
Katie you aren’t failing. You are just in a new situation that needs some getting used to. Everyone has rough days, weeks, months. Heck, I’ve just been through a rough year!! You’ll make it through and figure out a nice routine that suits the two of you just fine. You are a great mom and wife and a wonderful person and that is all that matters!
Oh dear sweet Katie. From one mom to another, we all feel like we are failing! Is it my fault my daughter hasn’t pooped in 5 days? My instincts tell me yes (seeing as I realized I didn’t feed her any fruits or veggies on Saturday when we were running around trying to get grocies, birthday presents, and party it up for one of her friends. Oh yea, did I mention I let her eat her hamburger off the floor of walmart while we were trying to do all this? She dropped it, no time to get a new one…thats right, mom of the year, right here, sending you this message.)
We all have those times where we feel like NOTHING is working out the way it is supposed to. I NEVER planned on being a full time mom with a full time job out of the home. But here I am, my plans changed. Now my toddler gets us up at 5:45 (if the dogs aren’t whining for food yet) only to rush and get ready for the 7:30-5:30 daily grind, only to pick her up and get her to swim by 6:15 and try to get home by 7:15 and then figure out whats for dinner. Hopefully we won’t have any meltdowns upon arrival at home, that would only push that bed time to 9 vs. the normal 8:30. The only playtime I get with her is during bathtime : (
She literally takes up all my energy so that by the time she is in bed (hopefully to stay) I don’t even want to wash the dishes or fold the clothes that have consumed my couch or declutter my embarassing house. Then, when my husband arrives home at 9pm and asks what we did when we got home, I have no answer, just a yawning groan with, “oh just dinner, bath, and bed…”. In July, we will be adding to the chaos with another sweet little girl! Although I am beyond excited about having another baby and my daughter becoming a big sister, I can’t help but think, how is this gonna work? How will I have patience everyday with the things that are not going my way?
I can only imagine it will work out just like it has been for the past two years since my first arrived. One day at a time, making a plan/guide, attempting to simplify our lives, support from family, and only by the GRACE OF GOD!
“He is before ALL things, and IN HIM ALL THINGS HOLD TOGETHER.”- Colossians 1:17
You are not failing. You are learning and growing, and HE wants to be part of it.
Praying for you, your family, your sanity…and your baby!
P.S.
When I am feeling down, I go here http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/
Hang in there – it’s pretty much every mom that goest through it. I’m in the middle of it now and will have 2 under 2 yrs in July, so I share your mental freaking out about that too.
Easy dinner idea- breakfast burritos. We eat them a LOT. Saute whatever veggies you have (or skip altogether and just use extra salsa), add eggs and cheese and wrap in a tortilla filled w/ sour cream. Eggs are usually on hand at our house, so when I realize I have no meat/time/energy (usually all three), I whip out the eggs. I used the last two yesterday. Not sure what’s for dinner tonight.
Also, the carpet hasn’t gotten with the vaccum for the better part of 6 mos, one kitchen counter is dedicated to a pile of dishes that grows throughout the month, and I haven’t even thought about clearing the spare room to prepare for our baby’s arrival in July. She can always sleep in the car seat in our room for a while.
He just turned two ….. I remember feeling that way, and still do at times, my little one is going to be three in August and sometimes, you just need a break, my husband is gone all week and I work 40 hours during the week, so if you call work a break, yah, probably, but it gets to be a lot, but remember, they are only this age for so long, and then they grow up, you need to take time for yourself, you just do, you are human, and you are SUPER MOM in his eyes. We need to take the good with the bad and just love them. Leave the house a mess, it will eventually get picked up. Do what you can now, there will always be time for projects and cleaning later. Get out of the house and do something you two both enjoy! Remember that you are also pregnant and need to be kind to yourself!
Katie,
It is hard. I’ve been there…was a stay at home Mom for a few precious years, and had a husband that was never at home, and didn’t help when he was. Here are some things that helped me a little.
Try and find someone to help with the house work. Try Groupon, or Living Social or a local teenager.
Try and find some help with Will. Again, a local teen for two hours once or twice a week would give you time to get things done. Or even pay Cole to come over and play with Will!
Try and find a meal prep place where you go in and prep meals in advance. It’s more expensive that doing it on your own…but cheaper than eating out, and you can make dinner in a snap.
Try batch cooking, make spagetti….triple to recipe and freeze several batches. This works great for meatloaf, lasagne, soup, any casserole! Tossing dinner in the oven out of the freezer is a huge time saver, and you could batch cook on the weekends.
Try and introduce Will to a sink will of soapy water. Let him wash dishes! This would keep my boys busy while I worked in the kitchen!
I’m a single working Mom now, and it’s still tough. If you want to work on projects like we do….the housework is going to suffer, but the projects feed our creativity.
You are a great Mom, and are working the hardest job anyone has. Blessings!
Katie- Just take a deep breath! I know you like to make list 🙂 Make a list and just start checking items off, even the little things 🙂 Do a couple of things while Will naps, a couple of things right when he goes to bed. I feel you. My husband travels a lot for work and those weeks when I am dropping off a 2 year old at daycare, working an 8 hour day, picking up said 2 year old from daycare, making dinner, doing bath time, reading “Go Dog Go” 10 times before bedtime, it’s a lot! You start to feel like you are sinking and you start to curse that you have to work full-time, your husband travels for work, etc. I just have to keep telling myself that my little guy is not going to be 2 forever. That he really likes the one on one time with me during those weeks. That it will get easier being home with them in the future while hubby is gone. That there is a light at the end of the tunnel! YOU are doing a great job! Plus, you inspire me so you must be doing something right 🙂
Katie – Although I am not a mom yet (not for lack of trying … ugh) and can’t tell you I know how you feel, I can tell you I know what it’s like when your husband works way more hours when he’s at home, and the sheer lonliness of it all makes you break down in tears because you miss your hubby but also human contact from anyone besides (in my case) the dog. I have also had that random black goo shoot out at me from the jets in my tub and I have no idea what it is but its gross and it won’t go away. But please know that just from the little bits you post on the blog, I know that you are a great mom. A loving mom. A fantastic wife. Don’t see yourself short. You do the best you can right now, with what you have, and it will get better. Just imagine all your readers (including me) lifting you up to support you. I will be praying for you KB. xo from Allison in Jersey.
It WILL get better, I promise.
My kids are 9, 8, 6 and 6.5; I was a SAHM from the time my oldest was 11 months until my youngest was 5 months (and I was a single mom for a good chunk of that, too) and it was SO HARD. I cried a lot, I procrastinated a lot, I screamed a lot.
I don’t want to say it gets EASIER, you just get used to it. And there will be a learning curve when the next one arrives, and there will be tears then too, but know that it will eventually pass.
These days I work a full-time job, the kids are all in school and I’m remarried, but it’s still hard. Three of my four are playing ball this spring and it sucks ROYALLY to have to juggle everything on top of having to work some weeknights (OT).
You’re not alone, Katie. 🙂
Sometimes it takes a breakdown to stop and figure things out. You’ll get into a routine/schedule and it’ll help.
Oh Katie, you are so not alone. I can relate 100% to what you are saying. I am home with a 5 week old while my husband works all day and I totally understand being overwhelmed and getting NOTHING done. I swear I sit and watch the clock all day for when my hubby will be home from work. You are an amazing mom and wife and you will get through this and it will get easier.
By the way, do you know how crappy and guilty I’ve felt looking at your blog and thinking, “how the hell does this woman have time to sit around snapping amazing photos of her kid and photoshopping them to perfection!? Not to mention having a fabulous house and hilarious blog!” Hahaha! You make what you do look easy and leave me feeling guilty!
Hang in there! We all love you!
Hi Katie,
You are not failing. I feel like this everyday and I thank God that I have a husband who when he hears me being down on myself reminds me “You are a child of the living God”. Even so, I have to admit that I fear that he secretly is disappointed by my “failing” in the housekeeping department. I can’t even admit this to him. Look at all the comments – we are certainly not alone – so many of us feel the same way! It is a hard season of life but it is also such a precious fleeting time that I just want to be able to enjoy it the way that I feel that I should. I don’t quite know how though and I’m afraid it will all be over too soon.
Here are my best tips:
1. When things are going off the rails, start singing “Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy, Lord have mercy on me…” – seriously – it helps. I have sung that through meltdowns (mine and my daughter’s) , messes, burning dinners, puppy poop in the kitchen – you name it. The most awesome blessing was one day when I started FREAKING OUT with anger because mice had been in our kitchen drawers yet again, my little daughter started singing it all on her own and I realized that at least I was successfully teaching her the right response to trouble.
2. Set the kitchen timer for 5 minutes and just focus on getting ONE of the millions of little jobs done. (You can set it for longer – like 15, but often I feel so overwhelmed by the many jobs crying out to be done that I can only handle 5 minutes at a time). In 5 minutes, you can load the dishwasher, or clean all the junk out of the bottom of your purse, or give the floor a quick sweep, or pick up the dirty clothing scattered around and throw it in the washer (or down the basement stairs as the case may be). Try it – it is the one thing that can help focus my scattered mind – otherwise I sit around paralyzed and not able to decide on what to tackle.
I hope this helps. I’ll pray for you.
I just laughed at you, cried for you, prayed for you, and fell in love with you. This is by far my most favorite blog post I’ve ever read, EVER! Thank you so much for putting it all out there and making me feel like I’m not the only “failure” out here. You seem like a fantastic mom who just happens to be in the middle of a poopy situation, but it will pass. Things will calm down, you will adjust, and one day you will look back on all of this as the most joyous time of your life and wish that you could have just one hour of it back. My kids are in middle school and I still struggle with most of the things you mentioned. But I’ve learned to focus on the little joys in every day (well most days anyway) like when my kids come home from school to a house that’s just as ridiculously disgusting as it was when they left and they hug me and say “I love you, mom. I missed you today.” That’s the stuff that matters. All the rest are just little details. Don’t sweat the small stuff. You’re doing GREAT!
I have felt exactly that way for a great deal of my mothering years (almost 9)! Barely keeping my head above water, while everyone else is sewing their daughters’ dresses and their houses are fabulously styled…My fourth child was colicky. My life was desperate. I’ve learned three years too late that I should have relied more on prayer. Now I pray EVERY DAY (sucks that I have to admit I didn’t before) and I do it several times. I suspect you are a praying woman, so my best advice is, rely on the Lord. He wants you to succeed. Not every day looks wonderful, but everyday is survivable and I’m seeing more of the blessings that were always there, but above my scope of vision when everything looked so hopeless. You can do this! Someday, when your children can talk, they will call you blessed for mothering them.
I recently went through a failing-everything situation, and the number one thing that helped me get through it was keeping this prayer on my phone to constantly remind me:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
And if it makes you feel any better about Will, I’m a daycare teacher for children age 2-3… every single child on the planet has meltdowns and mood swings, of course at the most inappropriate times (We had one child throw a complete potty-training meltdown, complete with throwing his own poop at other children and the teachers…while the health inspector was visiting. But you can’t control anyone but yourself, so all you can do is laugh about it later!)
You’re not failing! Everyone goes through rough patches. I will say a prayer for you. And, as always, I love the honesty. It’s beautiful.
Oh, and as a fellow stay at home mom, I have to say that when times get tough, I have had to learn (and I am still learning) to let things go. Like this week, my son and I have been sick. All I have done is make sure that he and I both eat and sleep and are relatively clean. My husband helps when he gets home from work, but things like weeding, cleaning, and any progress on our house remodel are on hold right now. And it’s tough, but the little things I just gotta let my inner-perfectionist just let them go.
Keep your spirits up!!! A lady in my office gave me a card with 1 Corinthians 10:13 on it. Not sure the version but it says “And God is faithful. He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempeted He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” I look at it everytime I feel like I’m failing. It lifts me up. I will keep you in my prayers. 🙂
Oh, Katie. You are doing a wonderful job. Just remember to breathe 🙂 Don’t worry about making it until Jeremy gets home, just worry about getting through the next 15 minutes. My husband travels for work for weeks or months at a time, I work fulltime as a lawyer, and I have a three year old and a four month old. It is hard, scary and sometimes brings out the worst in me. But it is also beautiful, wonderful and, every now in then, I think it brings out the best in me, too. Some days are just bad days. Every morning, you just have to wake up and let yesterday’s mistakes go. Today is a new day. You love Will and Jeremy and, in the end, that is all the matters. I’ll say some prayers for you and all other mommies because, let’s face it, we need them.
Katie, I’m so sorry you are going through this. I think at some point all moms feel like we are failing, I know I do at least. And, I think sites like Pinterest don’t help either. Don’t get me wrong I love Pinterest, but for my own sanity I had to stop looking at it. For me it just reminded me of all of the things I wanted to do for my kids, but wasn’t. And you know what, when I would decorate the table for dinner or make some really cute desert I saw on there or make this creative breakfast, my kids really could have cared less. What they really wanted was for me to just spend time with them. I’ve learned they don’t care what our house looks like (if it’s cute or just ordinary) or what craft projects I do if it takes my time away from them. I was a stressed out mess trying to be the mom of the year and get it all done and my kids resented me for it. I know that blogging is part of your income (and I love reading your blog), but maybe it is time to even cut back on that if it will give you more time for other stuff (family stuff). Talk with Jeremy too to see what things are important to him that you do each day and maybe try and focus on just those things. I know that helped with me anyways. I was feeling overwhelmed and like I couldn’t get everything done in a day that I wanted and so a girlfriend of mine suggested that I talk to my husband and find out what things really mattered to him that I get done and it helped me to focus my efforts in those areas. It also helped me to know what things I could totally let go of too. I found out there were things that I was doing that I had assumed would be really important to my husband that he could have cared less about (Ha!), so it was great to know that I didn’t need to worry about doing those things anymore either. Plus, when I found out what was really important to my husband and kids, I didn’t feel like such a failure anymore. Anyways, I hope this helps you too.
Been there. Am there. Toddlers can be so draining — and when you’re pregnant it’s even worse. My guy was the same age when I was pregnant with #2 and it was rough. We did a lot of cuddling in bed with the laptop. Lots of long, meandering drives because he liked to ride in the car and I didn’t have the energy for anything else. Lots of laying on the floor while he drove cars on me. And then the baby came and things got so much better. Handling a 2.5 year old and a newborn was EASIER than being pregnant with a 2 year old. I san’t say that’s how it will be with you, but it’s possible.
The housework is still there. It’s still hard to be around just kids all day. I still wish my hubby could be with us all the time. But watching the kids love each other is amazing. The little one works so hard to catch up and the older one works so hard to help. Now they’re 3.5 and 1 and the rhythm of our household is constantly changing, and I’m routinely reminded that “This too shall pass.” The physical exhaustion of pregnancy, the emotional frustration at imperfection, the poopy diapers, the torment of constant breastfeeding, the squishy baby thighs, that gummy smile, that special way he says “Pitty pwease?”, the obsession with numbers and letters — all temporary. That damn housework will still be there when I get to it.
This time as a family with small children is so short. I do my best to enjoy every moment that I can and forgive myself for passing frustrations. When I look back I want to remember that I played and laughed with my kids. Everything else can just suck it for a while.
The other day, as I was cleaning a week’s worth of dried food from under my son’s chair, I started thinking that we should get a dog…to lick the floors clean after meals! No one would need to know that my floors are polished with doggy slobber…
Hang in there, eventually kids get to a point where they’re old enough to entertain themselves…and their younger siblings! 🙂
YOU ARE A DOING A GREAT JOB!!!
And you are not alone. I relate to the I love my kid but I don’t need to hang around her all day thing.
If Will plays really well outside, could you bring your laptop out there and get some stuff done? Just brainstorming.
Hang in there.
Kudos for being so open and honest! It is refreshing to hear, and you are not alone. I don’t know what it is like with a toddler AND being pregnant, but I can imagine it is not easy. You are doing a great job just getting through each day. It will get better, I’m sure. My pregnancy was insanely difficult with the all day sickness and I have never been in a darker place (sad, lonely) than the first 2 weeks with my newborn. Both times got better, so I have faith that this is just a difficult time for you too and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Waiting for this to pass will be hard, but you will come out changed somehow. Challenges change us. Usually for the better! Hang in there.
I can totally relate! My Aunt sent me the best link that I love and cherish! http://powerofmoms.com/2012/04/your-children-want-you/
You are amazing.. It is so nice to know that we are not all alone!
Wow. I felt like I could have written your post. I have 5 kids (ages 6, 5, 4, 3 & 1) and I’m 7 months pregnant with #6. I am a mess. I am a hormonal train wreck. I work from home and my husband is gone most of the day. At one time in our lives, he worked in the restaurant industry and was NEVER home. Nights, evenings, weekends, holidays…working. I nearly had a nervous breakdown more than once. So, I feel ya. Totally.
Also…pregnancy makes everything harder. Your body is tired. That little precious baby sucks everything good out of you and you’re left with scraps of energy. Yes, it’s all worth it, but it sure is tough while you’re “in it”.
Take a deep breath. Just remember, one thing at a time. All of your readers will understand and we will be here whenever you are able to post. 🙂
I hope you feel better soon. I so know how hard this is right now.
You are doing just fine. Just know you’re not alone.
I’m 17 weeks with my second and the first trimester was so much harder this time. I had zero energy and felt sick 24/7. My toddler didn’t understand that Mama just wanted to lay down. So I totally get what you’re saying. My house was a wreck and we ate frozen dinners a bunch bc I couldn’t pull myself together. Finally around 13 weeks or so the fog lifted.
Anyway, just wanted to offer support and tell you I’ve been there too. Hang in there and learn some good crockpot meals in the meantime. : )
Welcome to normal! You will get better and more used to it, I promise. You are just as talented and smart and capable as every other mom out there, and you will learn to juggle all those balls. My Jonathan is only two days younger than Will, and it sure was a wake-up as he entered toddlerhood – WAY more high maintenance than my daughter. But you just learn what works, Will will adjust too, and know you’ll have good days and bad days. One thing I remember is that the expectation of playing with your toddler all day as a SAHM is bunk. Not necessary; it’s important to teach independent play. Your feelings are normal, I certainly can identify. Chin up!
Katie,
I just want to let you know, it’s okay to take a break. Seriously, we won’t hold it against you, we promise!
I do not have any kids of my own (yet), but I often wonder how women with children are able to do it all. I find my life stressful just working and being in school full-time, and I can’t imagine throwing kids into the mix as well.
Love from Canada!
As with the other moms that have posted- you are not alone. I’d say that most of us feel like we are failing at some part of our life. I am a SAHM who works part time from home and my husband travels on average 3-4 days a week, as in gone… as in all day and night. So essentially I am a single parent those days and nights, and my older son has night terrors and sleep apnea so those nights mean I don’t sleep much. I have a 2 boys, 2 1/2 and 4 years. Some days I want to lock myself in the closet just for the peace and quiet. A couple of things that I have found that work well are- find a friend. A friend you would trust with your kid. I have a friend with kids the same age and we do trades. I’ll take hers one day a week and she will take mine. Some times it is just for the morning so we can run errands other times they take naps too so we can get a full day of stuff done. It’s a win-win. You get a day by yourself and Will gets fun time with a friend, and then the day you have their kids- Will has a play date all day. We don’t have some elaborate pinterest inspired play dates- just normal run of the mill come over and make a mess fun. That one day that you have by yourself- it is amazing. I feel completely refreshed and ready to be a great mom again. I usually try to have that day somewhere in the middle of the week just to keep me going.
Another thing that works, although Will might be a little young for it, is the timer. This has literally saved my life. My older son always wants to know what is next… what are we doing next..? He wakes up in the morning and immediately asks ‘what are we doing today?’ So- the days we are at home all day we use a timer. We are going to play outside until the timer goes off.. we color until the timer goes off… He has learned to play hard and not ask questions and stays concentrated on the activity we are on until the timer beeps and then he can ask what are we doing next. It has also helped him grasp the concept of time.
The last thing- expectations. Make them reasonable. I felt miserable when I first became a SAHM because I had such high expectations of what I should be doing and the quality. I ‘should’ be making a fabulous dinner every night, my laundry ‘shouldn’t be piled up to my knees on the floor, my house ‘should’ be picked up all the time, our play dates ‘should’ look like something out of Martha Stewart. It only makes you feel bad. So I changed mine to I will cook dinner 2-3 nights a week, the other nights it is ok if we have scrambled eggs and toast again. It is ok if I don’t have a fantastic craft and home made treats for play dates. I quit going to Starbucks and used that money to have someone come 2x a month and help me clean. I realized it is ok to leave dishes in the sink over night- they will still be there tomorrow.
Relax- and enjoy being pregnant and Will is at such a great age to play and spend time with. He isn’t going to remember that he had PB & Honey for dinner three nights in a row.
I love your blog and your obsession with Bacon… Hang in there- you’re gonna make it!
READ THIS:
http://powerofmoms.com/2012/04/your-children-want-you/
and stop feeling like you’re failing.
Kate, you took the words right out of my mouth! I don’t thing it really get easier but I know we get stronger …. At least that’s what I keep telling myself and that seems to work! xxxx
I feel you 100% on this post. Just the other day I told my husband that “I am doing nothing very well these days.” I work part-time and SAH part-time and have very time-consuming hobbies that I love but I love spending time with my husband more so I neglect them. And they help keep me sane, so I’m a little crazy now. And I hate cleaning so I also have a toddler who eats random bits of food off my floor. Mostly cheerios, because those things are sneaky when it comes to clean up. But I don’t have the excuse of actually working at home (so so difficult) or being pregnant (ditto), so I’d say that you are doing well. Thanks for your honesty; it resonates so much with me. Three suggestions: occasional house cleaning services (monthly or less, and only the areas you regularly mess up/ dirty for frugality’s sake), regular play dates, and occasional childcare (high schoolers have lots of energy and often work for less $$, or you could also trade picture services for childcare from a SAHM). I would pick up pennies and nickels on main roads just to make these things happen for me.
I’ve never been through what you are enduring right now, but I do live with a constantly packed schedule. It stucks to feel like you don’t have time to do anything, let alone the things that make you happy.
What I can tell you is that if you leave your blog for a day or two – we’ll miss you, but we’ll all still be here when you get back – cheering you on and thinking your projects make ours look like failures. You’re like Pinterest light, Katie Bowser. And that’s a great compliment…. almost as great as calling you “Bacon princess”. Almost.
🙂
I can’t tell you how relieved I was to read this post. I am right there with you with the overwhelming feelings of inadequacy, guilt, and failure. I have to think that every mom goes through this and I think it does get easier (at least that’s what my mommy friends tell me) :). I think as time goes by it’s a constant shift of some things get easier and in other ways it gets harder. I just wanted to let you know that you are not in this alone and you are clearly an incredibly mommy and wifey…don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Think about all of the incredible blessings you have in your life and the rest doesn’t matter.
Katie – I get it, I live it, everyday, just like you. You are not alone. And it is ok, or at least that is what I keep telling myself.
Katie, you’re not alone, actually this post has good timing for me since I’ve been feeling this way lately a lot. My hubs works the same schedule as Jeremy’s new schedule and it takes a toll. And I will be honest, 2 will be harder at first. I have a 3 year old and almost 2 year old and it’s a challenge. But the good news is, you will get through it! My grandma who has 8 kids (!!!!!) once gave me the best advice- “there are only 24 hours in a day!!” so take one day at a time and try to enjoy it!
You’re not alone! I have often felt the way you described. I can’t tell you if it gets better because my little girl is younger than Will. A few things that have helped me… I sometimes just go for a drive. My daughter is safe and usually happy strapped into her carseat and I can listen to the radio and have a mommy break for a little bit while I drive. Sometimes, I’ll pick up Starbucks at the drive through to make it a little more fun. Also, do you have a baby carrier that still fits Will? I discovered that I was able to vaccuum with my daughter strapped to my back in her Ergo. She immediately starts fussing if I’m not moving, but as long as I keep buzzing around with the vaccuum, she is happy to observe from her little perch. It’s the only way I’m able to get the floors cleaned. Hang in there! From what I can see, you are a wonderful mother and you accomplish WAAYYY more than I am able to!
You’re probably done reading your comments by now… I think 55 have already been posted, but I wanted to tell you something different than what everyone else is saying-
You don’t need to know that other people’s lives are tooooo busy. You don’t need your hubby to stay home and help you. You don’t need Will to sit still. And, on top of that, you probably KNOW what you need… you need more time with Jesus! 🙂 Sometimes I hate that the answer is that simple- 2Cor4:16-18. “Therefore we do not loose heart. Through outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is TEMPORARY, but what is unseen is eternal.”
Be strong in the Lord hunny-Cast all your cares on him for he cares for you! 🙂 Apparently your blog readers do too!! Remember- ONE THING AT A TIME. Keep going and keep enjoying the little things like your husband shaved face!
<3 Emily
You are not failing, you are living. You are human and also doing the best you can each day. Keep your head up and just keep going. You can do it Katie!
you’re not failing. you’re human.
i forgot wipes in my diaper bag the other day, which of course made the No. 2 Gods laugh and my daughter immediately soiled her diaper. i was too embarrassed to ask another mom for wipes because i thought, “she would never forget wipes in her diaper bag.” luckily it wasn’t too bad and i was able to get it cleaned up fine, but realized that my guilt and feelings of inadequacy were getting in the way of my judgment.
you are a great mom and you’re doing your best every day. that’s all you can do. and it’s more than enough.
prayers from Iowa!
It will get easier…in some ways. My husband was traveling a lot when my kids were little and I felt like I was completely losing it. I felt like a single mom most of the week and like I could not be good at anything. I was just basically in survival mode and sometimes I look back and don’t know how I ever did it! But you will just re-adjust your routine and then that will become normal for awhile. My boys are 5 and 8 now and play sports so my life now revolves around that. But it did get easier when then started school – and then just to make things harder for myself, we went and got a dog! But we adjusted to that too. Don’t feel like you are failing because you are doing the best you can do right now. Try to connect with other moms with kids in your area and take whatever help you can get with family or neighbors. Try to think of this as a phase and take care of yourself! Sending good thoughts your way!
Don’t take this the wrong way but I laughed when I read this blog post (more so about the duck tape and Chik fil a napkins). For the first time since I started reading your blog (which has been a while now) I didn’t feel a little jealous of your life. This was an honest look at what motherhood actually is.
I work full time and I’ve been a single mother since my daughter was born two and a half years ago. Facebook, Babycenter and Pinterest are great but I often felt like such a horrible mother because I could never live up to all the other moms I compared myself to on those websites.
I’ve learned that being a mom means that there is never enough time, energy or patience. Once I accepted that I started enjoying motherhood more.
I wish there was something magic to say to make you feel better other than you are in my prayers and I whole heartedly hope this passes for you soon.
In the meantime I’ll tell you what my mom told me when I was crying about being a bad mom… “Thinking you are a bad mom makes you a good mom. Mother who are actually bad moms think they are wonderful moms.”
That made me feel better. Hope it helps for you too.
XO
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! For posting this. I love your blog because you are so real. You have received some great advice from us readers too. Way to go us!
I don’t have much to add. My husband travels a lot and I remember when little guy #2 was about 6 weeks old – dh was out of town from 7 long days. I cried. I cried a lot. I counted down the hours until my husbands flight landed. I cried with happiness when he finally got home. But I did it! And then the next time he went out of town – baby J was a little older and it was a little easier, and so on. Plus – big brother gets more helpful the older he gets too.
My favorite thing to do when I am feeling yucky about stuff like this. Take a shower. I figure out any way I can to take a shower. Put the baby in the bathroom with me with toys – and try to keep one eye on him while I shower. After you get out – you feel like you have acomplished something – plus you just feel better about yourself.
YOU NEED YOUR MOM…… call her right now, this instant and all will be right with the world….that’s all I have to say about that.
Big hugs Katie! You are totally not failing at all, you’re an awesome mom! If the internet has taught me anything it’s that no mom feel like they’re doing everything perfectly all the time. You are an awsome mom because you love Will, even when he’s driving you crazy! And you do the best you can. That’s an awesome mom. You are going through a huge trasition – Jeremy being away plus growing a BABY! You should give yourself permission to just adjust to all of that and let go of comittments in order to do so. Call in some help! Maybe a gal pal or family member could watch Will here and there and give you some down time. And don’t let Pinterest fool you – most of the pictures are from professionals who style the food or professional decorators working with a team of designers.
My husband started a business this year (in addition to working full time) so he now works 7 days a week. It can really get to me – I miss him! I try to be supportive but suddenly I’m taking out my frustration on him. And I’m not even a mom yet so I know that I have less on my plate than many…just wanted to say that your reactions are totally understandable. It’s hard but you will get through this, you will find balance again.
Just read this and thought of you:)
http://powerofmoms.com/2012/04/your-children-want-you/
You’re awesome! I’ve been a SAHM for my 2 year old since his birth and I thought I would be so much better at it. I’m super introverted so it’s hard for me to make mom friends and I require alone time to recharge myself. I got no alone time with a baby. I went CRAZY. I mean off my rocker. Now that he watches TV it’s been my savior. Baby #2 is on the way for early November and boy am I scared! I relate to every word you wrote!!!
I don’t have kids yet but I know you’re not failing. I know several commenters have mentioned having someone watch Will once a week. Another option would be to have a cleaning lady come in twice a month. I think you would feel better if your house was clean and it was one less thing you have to do. I think as women, we strive to do it all, which is commendable, but we are only human. Have faith in yourself. You’re doing a great job.
Katie, this post was such a blessing to me. With two kids under 2 and a hubby who works long hours, I am in the same boat. Yesterday I spent an entire hour of my day changing and cleaning up poopy diapers. A whole hour devoted to poop! I think it will get better though…. It has to, right? Please know you are not alone in feeling this way. 🙂
Your post made me smile today. I’ve read you for a long time (before Will, for reference) and you often make me smile…but today it was a different kind. It was a little like you were discribing my week! We have a house that needs a lot of TLC and we’re currently in the middle of a project that keeps my husband in the garage for a good couple of hours each evening. I work all day, and then to get home and have to deal with both kids at the same time, making dinner, helping with homework, feeding the little one, baths and stuff (dear Lord, don’t even get me started on the utter mess that is my home). Last night I was feeling close to tears. I felt so inadequate for not being able to handle what I felt every mom would have no trouble dealing with. The boys’ dinner had no veggies (for the second day in a row) and I was talking to my oldest like it was his fault. And then when they were finally in bed I just felt…like such a failure! And I’m not even pregnant! I can’t even say my body is working for two! And then here you go and tell it like it is – because honestly, in a pinch, I could probably feed an army from the crumbs between the cushions in my couch – and suddenly I feel myself smile. So…thanks Katie. Thanks, because, right now I don’t feel like a failure at all. I just feel human, like everybody else. You are just human, too. Breath in, breath out. In the end, it all works. 😉
Hey Katie, you’re not failing…you. are. normal. Believe it, embrace it, love it for what it is, ’cause it’s true. This winter my husband’s job went through a transition that required a lot more hours for about a two month time span. That basically meant he left for work at 7 in the morning, and came home dragging his weary butt behind him at 10 pm…11pm…12am…sometimes later yet. For those two months I just went into survival mode. I did the best that I could to be understanding and supportive of my husband…and I did the best that I could to treat myself well. I took care of the kids with all I had during the day, I’d set the timer and give myself 15-30 minutes to do a mad dash clean up around the house, I’d do what I could to make a healthy-ish supper each day, often making large meals for awesome leftovers, and then once that holy hour of bedtime arrived and my three littles were in bed, prayed for a kissed, I collapsed. I’d crawl into bed, I’d sew, I’d blog, I’d read, I’d watch tv, I’d do whatever the heck I wanted to do. I was extremely protective of that time. I’d keep the kids up from naps during the day to ensure that they’d all be pooped at bedtime and not fight me on konking out for the evening. You can make it through this, you can and will survive. It might not be pretty, it might not be fun, but give yourself time, say a prayer, trust in our God, and you’ll make it!
Thank you so much for this post! We have all been there, but not many people are willing / able to admit it. Keep your chin up, you are a great mom. Don’t let pinterest make you think differently. 🙂
Katie
It’s okay. It’sokayit’sokayit’sokayit’sokayit’sokay. Okay? This post is like a transcript of the phone call I got once a week from my sister-in-law when she was going through a rough time. She has 4 little ones under the age of six, and her husband is gone all day and commutes 2 hours each way. And from what I understand, having 4 is really not that much different from having one- in fact it’s easier, since they all entertain each other. Here is the exact same thing I tell her- it will help. Promise.
1) Find a mommy’s helper. She found hers at church. There are lots of 12 or 13 year old’s who need experience before they babysit full time by themselves. You can pay one a LOT less than a full blown babysitter, and have them play with Will while you do what you need to do at home (ie lock yourself in your room and watch 30 rock).
2) Once a week or so hire a full babysitter (or parent or sibling) so you can Get Out. Go to the grocery, buy frozen pizzas, bagged salads, chicken nuggets, hamburgers, hotdogs, macaroni, spaghetti for the next week or two. Then get yourself some lunch. With a milkshake.
3) Google your library, and look up when their story time is. It’s free, good for Will, and good for you. Let them entertain Will for a while! Pick up books and DVD’s while you are there. And magazines for you!
4) It is not in your job description to entertain your kid 24/7. Invite another kid over, or pop in a DVD. There is no shame in the DVD. If Ma and Pa Ingles had had one, they would have used it. Trust me. I have a degree in children’s literature. I can say these things. Shhh.
Now rinse and repeat. Doo it!!
Katie, this comment is coming from someone who is old enough to exclaim, “These are the best years of your life! I miss them so much!” But I’m not that stupid, because my memory is not that short. I still come across notes I wrote during that time of life, just to vent my feelings of failure and frustration. They are real, and they are not pleasant. They are borne of true physical and emotional stress. But I would like to leave a few words of encouragement.
1. When I review happy memories of those years in my mind, what comes into focus is the happy faces, not the dirty floors. And you will be amazed at the impact small, happy memories have in the lives of your children.
2. Our culture portrays an extremely high bar of success for mothers. Listen to your other commenters, and know that we all–and I mean ALL–feel/felt that way. You must find your own measure of success and review it constantly. And you know this includes your standing as a beloved daughter of God.
3. Do the practical things to help yourself during this time–babysitters, girl time, favorite music–and simplify everything possible, including food, clothing, etc. One wise young woman I know feeds her children oatmeal every morning with fruit and nuts and they love it. She doesn’t bathe them or put fresh outfits on them every day (just as necessary for good hygiene). She has a box of “dirt clothes” by the back door that they wear for outdoor play and put back in the box when they’re done.
4. Be thankful. I don’t mean mean that lightly. I mean do that deliberately. Sing praise.
5. Take hope. It will get better. You’re growing a baby, for pete’s sake! That’s a huge, important job.
Love,
Donna
oh, kb. We all love you. I so often have that awful feeling, too, (like right now, for example, when despite what I thought was a really strong application, I got turned down for a really good job for me early in the process while my fiance is being actively pursued and basically has two offers already). But if we were really strong superwomen all the time, how could we possibly experience the depth of Christ’s love? I feel like we don’t always remember what it means to fully rely on Christ until we’re at a point where life has made it perfectly clear to us that we’re helpless without him.
Praying that you will know his amazing grace because of the way you’re hurting.
You are not failing!!! You are surviving. All you can do is what you can do.
I don’t have kids yet, so I’m afraid I can’t offer much advise. But I can send some encouragement your way: No one expects you to be perfect. Continue doing the best you can and it will be enough for now. There is a light at the end of the tunnel! Don’t loose sight of the important things (messy houses are not an “important thing!”)
Seriously though, you will find your groove with this new situation for your family and things will be better.
It is always so easy to see other moms and think they have it figured out. I have been known to be jealous of how well some of my friends seem to be handling things. We just had our 2nd child three months ago and it has been an adjustment, but we are making it work…I have to admit, it has required me to wake up early. I mean, really early to feel more sane. If my daughter wakes up for a feeding after 4am then I just stay awake. That way I can get my shower and possibly eat breakfast before anyone else is up. My husband is up at 6am the latest, since he teaches and needs to be there at 7am. There are days the house is a complete mess. I have probably spanked and put my toddler in time out 10 times, the kids still haven’t showered after three days, and we are eating string cheese for lunch. I’m just so glad I have a dog, otherwise there would be food all over the floors! Today my son decided to disconnect the water tube in the back of the fridge for our ice maker. Water got everywhere. Oh, that happened after both kids were melting down and crying since it was time for a nap. It is probably hard for you right now because you are in the first trimester. Don’t be afraid to ask for help…maybe an hour or two that your mom can watch Will so you can do something to make yourself feel more put together. I think you are a great mom…whenever I see your “to-do” lists for the seasons, I wish I did more of that with my kids. You are just great, and eventually you will find your rhythm.
Wow. I’m feeling same way but in a totally different situation! I’m a work out of the home mommy with a 6 month old baby girl. I’m with you all the way. My teeth are never brushed long enough, my laundry is piled up, my floors need cleaning, the dogs need a bath, I eat cereal most nights for dinner, and I feel like I never see my baby girl. My husband and I worked out only three days of day care for her, so he has to work when I am home and vice versa. So we never see each other either! Please please don’t think I’m starting mommy wars, I think this shows how we all struggle every day whether we stay home with babies or work outside the home with babies. I feel like a bad mom for all the above reasons and the fact that I get 40 minutes with babe in the morning and an hour or two in the evening and that’s if I’m lucky. Most of us are just doing the best we can. Hang in there mama, one day you will look back and remember the sweet times. At least that is what I keep telling myself. 🙂
We all have days where we feel like the people that put stuff on pinterest cannot possibly be real humans… that work for a living or have actual responsibilites besides creating impossibly cool, time consuming crafts…
What would make us feel better? Or maybe just Katie Bower..
have you heard about the man in Tokyo who ordered 1,050 pieces of BACON on his whopper…
You might have to see it to believe it.
http://wtkr.com/2012/04/20/video-thousand-piece-bacon-whopper/
LOVE from your interweb friend, Melissa
Ohmigoodness! I hear you sister!
My husband just took a new job where he has to travel – a lot. Being 10 weeks pregnant and having to take care of the work, the house, the toddler, and all of the feeding of everyone (ok just 2 of us but if feels like a lot) M-F when all I want to do is sit in my room by myself with no one crying or whining or yelling or jumping on me or asking me with sweet little eyes for help and have someone serve me a platter of fried foods! 🙂 I feel like maybe my hormones are a little tender at the moment because I found myself crying twice this week, while preparing the 2nd,3rd,4th round of dinners for Xander because he is so darned picky that he won’t eat anything I give him (maybe I should try french fries!), thinking OMG I cannot do this!
I’ll pray for you if you will pray for me! 😉
This is going to sound terrible, but I read this post and a sense of shameful relief rolled over me. I always look at these family/design blogs and I feel like the WORST parent in the entire world. This post describes how I feel pretty much…every day. I am a single parent, I work 32-35 hours a week in an office, and I am also a college student. Which means that when it comes to my wonderful, smart, funny, amazing, precious, handsome, super dear 5 year old son, I just…I sometimes cannot. Mommy doesn’t want to sit on the floor and play cars for an hour. Mommy needs to do 28 other things in that hour.
I do the design projects, and I am super happy, and then when it comes down to either sitting the frick down for an hour or washing the dishes? You can guess which one wins. So then I have this painstakingly decorated room that you can barely see through the piles of dishes and laundy.
The truth is that we don’t live in a world where we can leave it to beaver. And our kids, as much as they are amazing tiny miracle people whose very beings are an unimaginable delight, are also obnoxious little sh&theads, lets face it. This morning my son woke me up an hour before my alarm was to go off, announced that he had to vomit, demanded an escort to the bathroom, sat down on the floor in front of the toilet and vomited–not once, but TWICE–on the white rug he was sitting on instead of IN THE TOILET FOUR INCHES FROM HIS FACE WHAT THE ACTUAL FRACK OH MY GOD.
This is a long way of saying that…this is the reality of one pair of hands and high expectations. You are trying to do the same amount of work with half the manpower (more, really, because you’re also GROWING A HUMAN). It sucks, and you should probably get a raise.
Wow… one of your last sentences… “I am so blessed and it’s like I can’t do right by my blessings” really rang close to home. I know the last thing someone wants to hear after spilling their beans like this is “we all feel like this” but would it help to know that you helped a LOT of us who visit ‘you’ everyday with all of these admissions? When I get in a rut, people always remind me that it’s just a phase and “this too shall pass” – you’re in a big transition (perhaps – eeks – preparing you for the bigger one looming on the horizon).
Also, I quickly scanned a comment above of someone who wrote about having a little prayer mantra – some of my mom friends do this same thing (I’ve yet to start – ugh!) and say that it really helps. Perhaps I will use “save me now!!” We can ask Him for anything, right?
As a new reader (and fan of your pals at YHL), I wanted to say thank you for being candid about the juggling act that is being a small business owner, wife, mother, etc. Seriously, thank you. We have 3 four-legged children and a whole lot less to juggle and I still find myself wishing I could sprout 8 arms to accomplish all my DIY dreams—unpacking—renovating—housekeeping—pet-parenting—boyfriend-loving—awesomeness that I feel needs to be accomplished on a daily basis. It drives Brad up the walls that he can’t tether me to the couch long enough to watch a complete episode of Vampire Diaries on Tivo with him. He’s been trying to teach me that there are only so many hours in the day. It’s alright to “do the best you can” even if that’s not up to your usual “pre” self (Prebaby, prehouse, etc…) Even if you only hit the top 2 or 3 things on that ginormous to-do list of yours—that’s awesome! Do a little happy dance into the nearest flop-spot and take a breather, even if for 5 seconds. The lists will wait.
Thank the good Lord in heaven you are normal! It is refreshing to hear that as perfect as your life appears you might indeed be a human. I am seriously grateful to know that toddlerdom gets to you because your pictures are always so perfect and gleeful that I can never imagine you would raise your voice or need to use time out! I’m a bigger fan than ever. I have 2 precious boys that I love love love (my dream come true to have 2 sons:) but after 10 hours I am always nearly on the brink of tears (and that makes me feel guilty!!!). So happy to stay home with them but whoa, it can fry the brain. Anyhoozle, glad I stopped by today, you made me feel better!
Thanks for admiting to fashioning diapers out of napkins and ductape. I thought I was the only one who had to do that on a way to regular basis.
I will pray for you! Because you CAN do this and you are making something better than anything you could ever find on pintrest. Baby growing is the most amazing thing ever.
Good luck!
THANK YOU for posting this. It’ s sooooo refreshing to see such a successful blogger be completely honest about what’s going on in her life. I have many of the same feelings you have, and we just moved to a new state and I have zero friends. I’ve tried, but making friends is so hard so often times I feel like I’m alone. And then I see all of my other facebook and pinterest and blogging friends and they all seem to have it together and it makes it that much worse. Things will get better. You’ll find your groove and if anything, know that you are one amazing person. I don’t know you personally, but you are so honest on your blog about both the good and bad, and it’s what help me while being a new mom. And remember this little quote, “The days are long but the years are short.” Thanks for all your contribute to the world. You are amazing, no matter what state you are in, and I admire you.
First things first: *gigantor hug*
You are certainly not alone, and I think you’re forgetting how much work you’re actually accomplishing, even in your sleep! You’re busy growing your new little peanut, not to mention the safe nest to hold him/her! Will still has all his limbs, and Jeremy knows where the kitchen, grocery store, or drive-thru is. You can do this.
You are not failing; you’re having growing pains. Your world has changed so quickly, and
you just haven’t found your footing yet. But you will.
This, too, shall pass.
Katie…
You are totally entitled to have such feelings… its normal and everyone has them. I constantly feel like a failure.. That being said.. my husband and I tend to give each other gentle reminders when we complain about things that, in the grand scheme of things, are not as bad as we make them out to be. Anytime we whine about something.. the other simply says something along the lines of …. “Oh First World Problems..” Its a quiet reminder that my life is not nearly as bad as 99% of the world. This too shall pass.
Of course.. that does not mean you can’t complain, shed a few tears, scream into a pillow now and again, drink one too many glasses of wine, or take a night out for just you. Being a good mom requires taking the time to recharge… so we dont always hate our children or resent our spouses. Ask that sweet mama of yours to keep Will for a night.. and give yourself a chance to take a long bath, cuddle with that adorable husband, and sleep as late as you need to.
Finally, check out such services as Peapod or a Cleaning Company. Even if only once a month or two.. these things will help relieve your load. You do not need to carry the whole world on your shoulder.
Also, find a teenager willing to come over once a week… even a Middle School age child (12-13) could come when you were home. They can play with Will while you get things done. You would not need to pay someone that young a ton of money.. and it would be a great way to train them in the skills of babysitting. Babysitters have to start somewhere!
Dear Katie,
I hope this verse encourages you. I am friends with Mike and Vicki Bower. I’ve been reading your blog for a long time and I always enjoy it and your DIY ideas. Take care of yourself, the Lord is holding you close!
Lydia
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10
Katie,
I am so sorry the world is on your shoulders right now. Please know that you aren’t failing at all, you are just bogged down being a super mom. I agree with the mothers day out suggestion, it would be good for you both.
My suggestion, sit down with a calendar, and everyday write what you need to accomplish, and fairly divide it out. I am OCD organizational, and doing this keeps me sane, and clears my mind. I think sometimes getting all the clutter out of your mind helps immensely. And if you don’t have time to do it that day, put it on another day.
I think you are a hot bad- a** mama jama, who is a great mom and wife! Keep rocking girl, we’ve got your back!
Nicole
Well, i was debating as to wether I should comment or not but I thought I might just chime in for what it is worth 😉 I have older girls – 15 and 12 and a little boy 4. When we had the girls I felt very similar to what you have expressed. I hate to say it, its hard and probably won’t get much easier until the little one in the bun is a maybe 18 mos? But by then Will will be older and even one year will make so much difference, trust me! He will be paying with his sibling instead of you and the baby will be entertained too. You will then be the queen manager instead of 24/7 on demand entertainment. And Will will be far more independent too. One thing I encouraged early was independence in the children. If they can get something safely, let them. Have them pick up, wash their hands, get dressed all by themselves etc…It’s great for them and for you – you are their mother not their servant and it helps later on. it’s hard too to have your spouse gone a lot but that’s why there are mother groups and play groups etc, they are for the moms as much as the kids! Go join some. You will make friends that are not cyber, meet people with kids the same ages. I met a friend who had daughters the same age- we’d take turns watching each others kids for play dates just so we could get a few hours interrupted for cleaning, projects and sometimes our own doctors apts. It will get easier and you will get more accustomed to the hubby not being around too, you will figure out a rhythm for dinners and cleaning etc.. because it gets busier as the kids get older but its easier too. Time will fly by, too fast. My worst times were always when I was pregnant so just remember , baby steps everyday!!!Good luck and I think you are a great mom from what I see 🙂 i redid it all will the boy and I wish I had a second baby for him to play with like his sisters did – its hard having different aged kids but being older has made it a little easier to see the timeline and remember how quick it goes. One thing I did do was read a lot and never felt guilty – figured I was setting a good example and they could play quietly while I did. They all are great readers and I learned a lot from lots of different subjects i maybe wouldn’t have usually…
Katie, as a former overworked, now stay-at-home-overworked mom, I can tell you the best thing you can do for yourself if hire a babysitter one day a week or find a daycare that allows drop ins (where my son is right now). It’s the only way you can get stuff done.
Also, there’s this to say about Pintrest:
http://powerofmoms.com/2012/04/your-children-want-you/
xo
You’re awesome.
Four hours of commuting each day = needing to find another job. It’s not just you. That’s insane. Best of luck, Katie.
You’re so not alone! I have a 4 (nearly 5 year old) a just turned 2 year old and am 35 weeks pregnant. My husband is a firefighter and works a second job so he’s gone about 34 hours at a time. It’s been like that for 23 months and it took me a year and a bit to get to where the house was clean every day. Then I got pregnant and have had a harder time keeping up. The last couple weeks have been much better though and my house is nearly back to normal.
I know I don’t do enough with the girls, I honestly don’t know what else I’m supposed to do! We play, I send the oldest put to play outside by herself. They scream at each other frequently and I think I might lose my mind. Being a SAHM is hard! And missing your husband makes it harder. I know I’m nervous about a new baby coming and my oldest starting school in the fall, oh and potty training my youngest daughter. It’s going to be quite the year!
You will adjust and things will get easier. There will still be days when nothing gets done and that’s ok too.
Transitions are difficult for everyone. Get yourself on a schedule. Will needs a schedule too so he knows what to expect. Schedule quiet time after lunch–each of you in your own room–with Will’s door shut (napping not required).
Simplify what needs to be done. Close doors to rooms you don’t have to use. Check out flylady’s morning and evening routine.
You currently have more on your plate than any one woman can do. Decide what is most important and eliminate the rest until both kids are in school full time.
I love your blog because you are so real! We all feel this way. I have three boys, ages 8, 5,and 2. Life is insane and frustrating and so, so tiring, but when I get a rare day off, all I am is sad that they are not with me. Hang in there.
Now I feel really bad about complaining about my Australian shepherd puppy being too high-maintenance! All jokes aside, though, I don’t comment often but I read your blog every time something new comes out and this is what I have to say: You are an incredible mom. I’m seriously on the fence about having children of my own one day, but if I do, I hope that I can be half the mom you are. So hang in there, stay strong, and know that people are sending good thoughts and prayers your way. 🙂
YOU ARE NOT FAILING! You are a pregnant Mom of a two year-old trying to run two businesses and keep up with a gigantic house. As long as Jeremy comes home to find you and Will alive at the end of the day, that day is a success. And Will will learn to play better on his own as he gets older. It is A-OK to need that Mommy time, and not one Mom out there thinks that you are not in the right. Plus, your husband has a killer commute, which totally layers on the suckiness. Your plate is very full right now, but it will not always be like this. Hang in there girlfriend!! Praying for you.
Oh, sweet Katie, I’ve been where you are and it does get better, but slowly. Take a deep breath, let it all out, and know that you are not alone in how you are feeling. Give yourself a break, you are not failing, do what needs to be done and say to heck with the rest. This too shall pass.
it gets easier- i promise. toddlerdom is the hardest because you are “on” 100 percent of the time. mine are 17 months apart and i was chasing a toddler, plus had an infant, and my husband was never home either- he commutes so it was late nights (as far as kids go anyhow- meaning mine were already fed, bathed, and often in bed. i was so worn out… but it does get better. mine are 5 and 6 now. and in the fall emmy will head to kindergarten and i will suddenly have 40 hrs a week ALONE to myself. i look at it as a reward for all the time i have put in. just take it day by day and get through. and frankly, who cares if the house is a mess or the laundry isn’t done…. just be happy and raise happy kids. 🙂
OMG!! I have a headache from laughing so hard. It won’t get easier. You just trade these problems for new ones (homework/soccer/karate/ballet/school field trips/play dates). Motherhood/being a wife is so hard yet so rewarding. Thanks for making us moms lol.
oh, and p.s. Take it one thing and one day at a time. First focus on keeping yourself and the new baby healthy. Then focus on taking care of your son. Marriage comes next. Then maybe you’ll have the energy to tackle cleaning the kitchen. But don’t constantly be looking at the big picture, because you’ll be so overwhelmed you’ll never get anywhere.
whenever I want to cry I try to think of something funny. you are not alone… we all try to balance 12 things at once, while wearing our wife, mommy, and friend hat. Hang in there, it will get easier! Look on the bright side, you could be octomom with 7 more toddlers running around?hehee I wonder how she does it!?
I love this poem, will copy and save. So encouraging for anyone with a baby. Kids aren’t an excuse to neglect housework, but they come first, and after all the people of the house are why we even do the housework ( I hope).
Oh Katie B. I love you. You are such a real breath of fresh air. Keep on truckin’ 🙂
Welcome to motherhood! You are very normal and we all feel like we are failing – it’s a lot to manage. I cannot say that it gets better (my kids are 2 and 5), but you get better at ignoring the filth in your house and focusing on the important things. You will find the time to do laundry when everyone is out of clean underwear. You will find the time to clean the floor when your child sticks to it like flypaper. You will find the time to clean when it matters.
Think about your childhood – are your best memories of how clean your house was? Or what an awesome multi-tasker your mother was? Chances are that you remember the love and all the fun times you shared with your family. These are the things that are important.
I admit, my house is never ready for a last minute visit, we frequently run out of clean clothes, our cable/phone/internet has been shut off more than three times because I forgot to pay the bill, and my kids do not eat well balanced, homemade meals all the time. But my family knows that my love for them knows no limit and we are making great memories that will last my kids and me a lifetime!
Also, do some brainstroming and come up with some ideas on how you can have sometime alone. Could Will go to daycare one morning a week or to a play group that rotates homes? It’s very hard to take the first step in “getting rid” of him one morning a week, but you need sometime to yourself. I started creating some “me” time in the last year and it has helped so much. It seems selfish to not be there night and day for your kids; however, it is more selfish to not be your best for them and sometimes just a few hours to go to the store or to clean a bit or to just sit and surf the internet can make a big difference.
Hang in there!
KB, you are amazing. I feel that way with my one baby and NOT being pregnant, so you are rocking it whether you feel it or not. My heart goes out to you!! You are inspirational the way to keep this blog so real, so no judgements on how you think you are performing – you encourage your readers more than you know!
I would love to say it will get better soon, but with another baby on the way it wont. I knwo from experience. I have two toddlers (10.5 months apart) and raised them on my own most of the time since my husband is in the Army. Occassionally I lose my cool and break down due to the stress of everything (kids, working, full time college student), but I have made it clear to my husband that things wont be perfect and some things will have take the back seat to others. My kids come first although they drive me nuts on a daily basis. I will admit I yell too, but I have one that is extremely stubborn and wants independance now at 2.5 years old. I have found taking them outside helps with wearing them out and it is something they constantly look forward to. While outside I can keep an eye on them, work on homework, read something– relax a little. I only get weekends with my husband and thats they time we do home improvements, shop, go to eat, etc. so thats about all we get right now since he is gone from 5am-7pm. To make life easier on you (since youre pregnant and your emotions are high and energy is low) I would rcommend taking advantage of a preschool program if possible, Or maybe Little Debbie could Will for a few hours? I would say use the time to prepare meals (freezer meals, packaging stuff together, meal planning, etc.) I know it seems like alot for someone who has their plate full already, but in the end it will help out a little bit. I really hope things get better for you! In the end, know you are not alone and feel free to vent at anytime…
Easier is relative. Two things are for sure – when the new baby comes, he’ll have a playmate and that does help. And he’ll be older, meaning more independent. I totally understand your phase right now. My husband was rarely home before 8 and was on call on the weekends for a few years. I never could count on him being home with any regularity, and felt like a single parent. A wise woman had me begin a schedule with my kids, and I have so much more time to myself now. I have two periods of time to myself each day- naptime and roomtime. Roomtime is where the kids play in their rooms by themselves for around an hour. My son {2} has three toy bins hidden under the crib. He chooses one and those are his toys for roomtime. They’re set aside and specific, so he feels that they’re special. There have been days that roomtime has gone to two hours if I had something that had to be finished, and it has never been a problem. It takes a little bit to teach them to be content {2 months for him, but less for my daughter}, but it’s worth it.
I hope that helps!
Maybe something in this link will give you a little encouragement….
http://powerofmoms.com/2012/04/your-children-want-you/
I feel your pain. There are good days and bad days. I’ve been a stay at home mom with my 6 and 3 year old boys for, wow, six years now. I love my kids, but they drive me nuts. And toddlers, are at such a special age, but they suck the life right out of you. I always have the day dreams of clocking out, taking a nap, shower, going shopping alone. The simple things that you take for granted. Now that my boys are a little older, there is less energy required to entertain them, as they play together! (also argue) Enjoy your baby and try to give yourself small moments of some sort of YOU time. You can do this!
Hang in there! My husband travels A LOT for work and I have three 5,2.5, and 15m. The only way I can survive is a really strict schedule…Even our free time is planned, everyday between 9-11:30 we get out of the house…even if it means meltdowns…you need it as a mom! I feel like as long as I plan a few good activities and educational things for the kids I don’t feel guilty giving them some popcorn and letting them watch 30 minutes of tv so I can get something done! Hang in there…It may not get better but you can manage it!
Katie, you are not alone. Okay? I know it’s hard, but you are a strong woman, you can do it. I am a SAHM to a 22 month old and a nine year old. Right now there are toys and cracker pieces all over my living room floor. My tot has dry cereal for breakfast in the morning with a sippy cup, my 9 year old step son has poptarts. Hot breakfast? Never. I am not a morning person. At all. Lunch? Well… sometimes my tot and I forget lunch and snack in the afternoon instead. I have a pile of clean clothes (four loads) on my couch in my living room that have yet to be folded. I have three baskets of clothes upstairs yet to be put away. My family would be so disappointed in me if they saw the state of my home.
I also only see my husband a few hours a day. And it sucks. That doesn’t stop sucking. Especially when it’s his child I’m taking care of during the day (my stepson. I love the kid, but half the time (if I’m being honest, more than half the time) I don’t like him. He tells me he doesn’t have to listen to me, he says hurtful things, he pushes his sister around… it’s not thrilling). The best thing you can do is try to get on a new schedule. I’m not talking about something set and exact, just a guideline.
Here’s my day, if it helps:
7:00 – Wake up 9 year old for school
8:10 – Off to bus stop
8:10-9:30 – Ideally clean the house, eat breakfast, be the perfect wife/mother… reality. NAP!
9:30 – Daughter awake, fill sippy cup, change diaper, watch as the house becomes a bigger disaster area… toddler playtime
12:00 – 2:00 – Attempt at lunch and naptime. Both are usually failures. So this is the time I usually go to the store or run any errands that need to be taken care of.
3:00- If she takes a nap, this is when she would wake up… back to disaster house. Yey…
4:00 – Son home from school… fights about homework and chores ensue. Joy! This is also when I turn on “Your Baby Can Read” for the tot in the playroom. Impossible to deal with being screamed at by a 3rd grader and clung on by an almost 2 year old. My little one doesn’t like yelling, so she gets very clingy when her bother is mean.
5:00 – I realize it’s too quiet in the playroom (two minutes of no noise = bad news) and see the tot has fallen asleep. Awesometown.
6:00 – The hubby is here and wondering what I do all day because the house looks awful. Thinks maybe I should get a job to carry my weight. I do everything I can not to punch him in the face.
7:00-8:00 – Dinner.
8:30 – 9 year old in bed. Thank God!
9:30 – Hubby vanishes
10:00-11:00 – tot in bed (yeah she’s a night owl)
11:00 – 2:00 – I go to bed at some point in here. After trying to clean or veg out to restore my sanity.
I’m also preggers, so I’m not sure what’s going to happen when baby #3 arrives. I’ve got two months to figure it out though. Also, my kids are pretty happy, husband is happy most days, and I am, too usually. 5-6 hours of sleep while growing a person isn’t easy but what can you do?
You aren’t failing at all! We’re all in the same boat. Do you have a playroom in your house? Ours is our downstairs living room (we have a tri-level) so even when I’m upstairs, I can see my kids. Might be helpful to you if you don’t have one. Child proofed (well as much as they can be) rooms are great when you have to have bathroom breaks every 30 minutes… just me? Seriously this next kid loves my bladder. He’s weird I guess.
Good luck, KB, I’m sure things will look up. Pregnancy tiredness/hormones + transitions + toddlers = rough going for a little while. You will find your stride again, I swear. Mine was off for about a year, but I’m finding it again… you know, just in time for when the new baby gets here and I get thrown off again. 😛
If you ever need to talk, you’ve got a bunch of loyal blog readers who I’m sure would gladly chat with you. Us moms have to stick together. Take care!!!
PS – Sorry if this is random or there are spelling errors, I don’t have time to proof-read my comment. :\
This sums up how I’ve felt all week. I have a 3 year old, a 16 month old, and am 18 weeks prego with our 3rd. My husband has been working very long hours this week and not getting home until after 10 p.m. He has also been traveling for the last month, so I feel as though I might just go insane if I don’t get some “me time!” It’s hard. When I wake up in the mornings, I’ve been searching for the moments in the previous day, that made me smile or melted my heart. Like when my son told me he loved me out of the blue, or when he said something that made me laugh really hard. I think of these moments and know that these are the moments that count. I’m a pretty neat person, close to OCD, but this week I have been kicking my feet up when the kiddos are napping. I usually use this time to clean house, prepare dinner, laundry, etc…but I have needed this time for me. I read my Bible, take a nap, watch a mindless show, and tell myself that it is okay. I’ve also been trying really hard to focus on just one day, which is hard for me.
I totally feel you with the wanting to “gag” at the dirty diaper smell. Actually, I have lost my lunch several times due to the rotten diaper smell.
Hang in there. It’s almost the weekend, and tomorrow is a new day! You’re not a failure. You’re a MOM. It’s the hardest job there is!
It gets better 🙂 The transition time is always the hardest. My advice for you is to downsize your goals. I used to vacuum everyday(hello freak!) and now it’s once a week and if my mother in law is coming – the rest of the week we just step on the crumbs. I have to put my high expectations away. It can be hard. I also bought – Don’t Panic it’s in the Freezer – lots of great freezer meals and one day a week I have an afternoon where I throw marinades and meat in ziplocs. No one is eating homemade sushi round here, and their sandwiches are triangles and not shaped like trains and bunnies. I also made ‘room time’ mandatory – my kids have to find something quiet to do for 30 minutes – reading a book, playing Barbies, legos, cars etc. I am not to be bugged during this time. It took some training but now when I say room time they do it. I then have coffee, call my BFF, or sit with my head in my hands and cry – whatever seems to be needed by me! Figure out what works for you & Will – and what doesn’t work. You are doing a great job!
You are not failing!!! Hang in there Katie, and keep trying to focus on the highlights of your day like the freshly shaven hubby, bible crafts, gorgeous backyard, mastering the “tone,” and your ingenious Macgyver-like diapering skills! You will get through this. And don’t beat yourself up! 7 time-outs isn’t a fail!! Some days are going to take more and some less, but this is an adjustment for BOTH of you to be without Jeremy during the day, and adjustments take time to get used to. Try not to be discouraged Katie Bower!! I’m praying for you!
If I lived closer, I’d clean your house or play with Will so you could do whatever it is you wanted to do even if it was something like brushing your teeth.
As others have said, you’re not failing. You’re a mom to a toddler and are adjusting to a new routine. You’re going to have days that are frustrating. It’s part of being a parent that never goes away.
Right now you may have sore feet from stepping on Legos or Matchboxes, but when he gets older, you may have to deal with a grumpy teacher or whatever. I’ve lost count of how many phone calls from the school I’ve gotten that started with “Do you know what your son did?” Meh! I rarely get those types of phone calls now, but when I do, it is never any easier than the very first one I got. I still remember that first call home from school was about. The Boy thought it would be funny to bury another students lunch in the sandbox. Long story short, he had to pay for the no longer edible lunch and write the kid a apology letter. The school did not insist on these things, we did.
My son is now 15 and I still have days where I cannot wait to go to bed. The Boy was hell on wheels when he was little whether he was inside or outdoors. He tore up the house when he was in and made many attempts to climb our 6′ stockade fence if he was outside. He’s not as hellish now, but he still manages to do things that make me think he was switched at birth.
The only thing I can tell you ( which I believe has already been said) is to get yourself into a routine and try to have something that resembles a schedule. For some people this works, for others it doesn’ t as they feel as though they failed if they don’t get everything done.
This is when people need to learn to cut themselves some slack. I found that multi-tasking helped then and even now. Again, some people are better at it than others, but if you work on it just for one thing a day, it does help a great deal. For example: If Will is sitting having lunch and the kitchen could use some picking up, clean up while he’s sitting still. This is not say that he won’t make a mess, but if the dishes in the sink are bothering you, dealing with them will make you feel better. If there is toothpaste in the sink while he’s having a bath, clean the sink out. You get the idea.
For his messes, he’s old enough to start learning to clean up some of his stuff anyway. If you have basket or some type of container around that he can put his toys in, he can certainly do that. Again, this isn’t to say that he won’t turn around and spread said toys all over the place again, but the possible re-direction from doing something that he shouldn’t be will give you a mental break for a few minutes.
I don’t have any advice for when the new baby arrives as I only have one, well one human child anyway. The rest of my “kids” have fins, fur and feathers.
Hang in there. You’ll find your groove sooner than you think.
I read your blog consistantly and have always enjoyed how funny and creative it can be, however, I am extremely dissapointed in this posting.
Please go back, read, and re-read and think about the things that you and other followers are complaining about.
-Decorating
-Cleaning a big house with a tub and jets
-Husband who has a job
-Luxury of being a stay at home mom
-Making a few cents to help at home by posting on a blog that has been lucky to have tons of followers and even win awards
Be grateful. Scream thank you at the top of your lungs.
I mean go over to CNN or check out the paper.
There are millions of people who would give the world to have your problems, which are not problems. They require some patience and organization and can be resolved. That does not give you a failure title. If you start doing drugs, your kid drinks some toxic liquid because he hungry, or your husband starts getting home later because he has to stop to grab dinner– then that can get you the failure title.
Seriously. It is not that bad. Have a piece of bacon and take a chill pill.
Good luck!
Hi Katie, you are absolutely not alone! My son will be two in May, I’m a SAHM and my hubby works long hours, plus he’s in grad school so he spends a lot of the time he’s at home studying. It sucks and it’s hard. I can’t imagine being pregnant on top of it. I want another baby but I’m terrified ’cause I don’t know how I’ll handle it. You have to cut yourself some major slack!!! I agree that you need some help. I read a ton of mom blogs and I know that those who treat it as a business (like yours, plus your photography) all have some form of help. There’s just no way one person can do it all. I know it can be impossible to ask for help, but there comes a point where it’s for survival and the well-being of the family, know what I mean? Maybe there’s a family member or friend who can watch Will once a week (even if you pay them)? You could hire a mother’s helper (ask around, check sittercity.com or care.com)? Look for a mother’s day out program (lots of churches have them in my town) or any early preschool program (my rec center starts at age 2.5). I know how hard it is to be home all day with a toddler. I highly recommend joining a mom’s group if you can. I am shy and was very nervous to join one but found a wonderful one right in my neighborhood – I was shocked. It’s great to have other people to talk to and free playdates! Check meetup.com, that’s where I found mine. There is also a babysitting co-op attatched to my mom’s group, we trade babysitting which is amazing! Maybe you can find another SAHM nearby and watch each other’s kids once a week. One other thing that has helped my sanity is joining the local rec center. It’s $40/month but we cut cable and a few other things and fit it into our budget. Two hours a day of childcare is included! So I can workout, walk on the track, swim in the pool, shower in peace, and sometimes I just bring my laptop and sit in the lobby and read blogs! I’m not kidding! I was really nervous to use the childcare there as my son has horrible separation anxiety but he’s done really well and I think it’s helped him a lot socially, plus he loves going there ’cause they have tons of cool toys. 🙂 I take him swimming afterwards and he also takes gymnastics there, helps him get his energy out. Anyway, hang in there!!! You are not alone!!! And speaking of Pinterest, a friend posted it on FB yesterday, it might help you feel better where that is concerned, I really identified with it: http://motherhoodmatters.blogs.deseretnews.com/2012/04/10/your-children-want-you
I just wanted to say that sometimes it’s SUPER hard being a mom. I now have 3 kids, but when I just had my son (the oldest) and was pregnant with my second, things started getting hairy. Then when my daughter was born, things became impossible. She had colic and I couldn’t put her down. Then on top of that, she WOULD NOT take a paci – every time we gave her one it would make her gag – so I became her paci. I love being a mom – but I HATED my job as mom when I was sapped of all energy and would get mad at the SLIGHTEST thing. I wouldn’t cry – but I would yell. I hated the person I felt I had become. Some of my friends had their second kid and made it look easy – I still don’t know how they did it. BUT – the good news is, things DID eventually settle down. Eventually I was able to get some of my sanity back and wouldn’t get mad at my son anymore because he put his spoon on the left side of his plate instead of the right (CRAZY MOM!). The pregnancy and first year(s) are hard – so while it would be awesome to be supermom (and I think you are!) it’s ok to settle for a regular mom who has bad days. I was also blessed to have a friend who would always just happen to call on my WORST days and invite me over to play at her house (God thing maybe?). Just being around someone else helped me with the sanity. Anyway, sorry for the monolog – long story short – You’re going to be OK – eventually. 🙂 In the meantime – I’m praying for you and your sanity.
KB,
The first thing I thought was “you need some mama time.” My mom always comes in and helps me when things get overwhelming with life. Just having her around is so very comforting. I am not sure if your mom works or not but she should come be with you. Anywho, I know this is frustrating! But you aren’t alone (as you can tell).
Work it flip it and reverse it!
You can do it girl!
Whoa buddy can I relate to this! My husband is a Marine and his hours are INSANE… gone more of the time for DAYS at a time with me at home with our toddler boy, who is INSANELY similar to your toy throwing, attention demanding, night terror having child… By the time my husband does come home I am a disaster… stressed to the brink of a full out tantrum meltdown myself! Naptime is heaven for me….
I wish I could say it gets better… I am not sure myself yet. I could not imagine being pregnant right now. We decided, due to my husbands schedule, to forgo having anymore children until Jaxon, our son, is in school so it might be a little easier.
Maybe you can figure out a play group Will could be in? Our local church has a WONDERFUL moms morning out program that allows the children to socialize and learn all at the same time as giving a mother a break.. Is there anything like that in our area? Jaxon LOVES it!
Hope it gets better.. Just remember to take it one day at a time… I constantly remind myself that every day is a new day and I cannot focus on what happened yesterday but instead focus on my attitude today. So what if your house is a mess and dinner isnt on the table at a certain time….. heck I do crock pot meals ALL THE TIME on stressed out days just out of the ease of them…. Maybe look into meal planning and freezer bag meals (ie preparing your meals all in one day and storing them in the freezer and then grabbing them out when you need to cook them.. great stuff on pinterest).. you could do them all on Saturday or Sunday when you have “back up”.. I did that ALOT when Jaxon was a newborn and demanded to be held constantly!
I will be praying for you and this huge transition for your family!
you have too much time to spend with your son.
you have a loving husband in the bed with you every night.
that loving husband spends 12 hours a day working or commuting to provide for your family.
your house is so big that you can’t keep up with cleaning it.
you had a car with gas in it to run errands in which you had no diaper.
you have a new baby on the way that will expand your family just like you hoped.
your photography business is so successful you have too many photos to edit.
you have so much to be thankful for that there is a stack of thank you notes waiting to be sent.
i’m really not trying to be *that* commenter, but this post sounds like you have many, many things to be thankful for.
OHMIGOSH… there are so many of us going through this! I understand everything and could cry for you! LOL!!! It’s like you took the words out of my mouth! The best advise I recently got was to focus on my priorities. Being creative is a priority to me. Knowing my little guy is loved and has special memories is a priority. Forget about the laundry! LOL!!! I’m giving it a shot! My house is a disaster, but I calendar out a time each week I can focus on it and that’s all I do. I’m not wonderwoman, as much as I’d like to think I should be!
I’m sure you aren’t failing, you’re just being honest!
I can speak to the husband’s job situation… My husband works 2.5 hours away too so he has an apartment in that city for the week and comes “home” on the weekends. It is NO fun!! I can’t imagine how I would handle the away-ness with a toddler and baby on the way, but I can say that it is HARD to run the whole house alone. I get it!
Hang in there!!
I totally get this. I’m home all day and night with a four-year-old who is allergic to playing independently and a three month old who is allergic to staying asleep without me constantly re-inserting the binky. My husband works all day and goes to school at night. Most days he is gone before 8:00 am and home at 9:30-10:00, on Fridays he is gone until 1 am. It’s HARD but it’s gets better and easier. You start to get used to a new normal and find the beauty in the time you get to have with the whole family. Prayer helps a lot too 🙂
You are NOT failing…you are experiencing what they rest of us mothers go through during different seasons of our lives. You are also probably hormonal and tired. Be kind to yourself and give yourself a break. You are a great mom and a great wife. If you can spare a few moments try to get into the word first the thing in the morning or even just put on some praise music and meditate on the Lord. He will renew your strength.
First of all, you are not failing, you are normal! I wish I could tell you it gets easier, but since you have your second one on the way, I’m not going to try to sugar coat it. I’m sure you will adjust and do just fine!!
You are not alone in the least. Cut yourself some slack–the first trimester is the worst and it will get easier. You’ll find your stride, just as you did after Will was born.
Hi Katie! I’m such a huge fan of your site and you are doing a fantastic job! Don’t let anyone tell you different, and don’t let those perfect Pinterest pictures fool you either. You (as a photographer) know there’s probably all kinds of crap and laundry and toys scattered all over the room BEHIND the camera. (They should start a category like THAT on Pinterest!)
As for the parenting thing, I’m just on the other side of where you are and can now look back and sigh with some relief. My boys are 19-months apart (Avery/the youngest is 1, and Gavin/the oldest is 2 1/2), and transitioning from a family-of-3 to a family-of-4 has been the most difficult, exhausting, emotional time of my entire life. My second pregnancy was more difficult because I couldn’t rest AT ALL while taking care of my young son. (But the labor was a cinch! I hope yours goes better this time too!) We weren’t financially planning on this second baby quite yet, but we adjusted. My hubby (God love him!) had to sleep on the couch most nights because I was so uncomfortable (and he has to get up around 4am every morning!) But, he’s off every Monday, in addition to weekends, so that extra day makes a world of difference! (Maybe your hubby could ask if he could telecommute one day a week, especially with gas prices where they are.) My hubby is also a Student Pastor so that’s a whole other full-time job that we’ve tried (and failed) to keep pace with like we used to. It’s been a rough year raising two babies (I still consider Gavin my baby!) but IT DOES GET EASIER! I PROMISE!
First things first, lower your expectations, FOR NOW. These are the words my Pastor gave to me and my hubby. This time is so precious and will be over SO soon, and you don’t want to miss them because you were worrying about this blog, or a perfectly clean house, or anything else other than your family. So lower your expectations of everything else, FOR NOW, and just soak all of this in! You’ll be able to pick back up with the craziness very soon!
And sometimes, having a good cry is the best release ever! So don’t feel bad about that either. If you really want a good cry, after Will has gone to sleep, sit down with your hubby with some milk and cookies (or bacon) and listen to “It won’t be like this for long” from Darius Rucker and “You’re gonna miss this” by Trace Adkins. If either of you make it through the first verse without sobbing, I’ll be impressed! But it will make you feel better.
As for me, I am in a good place now! Gavin is becoming so independent to the point where I wish he would STOP growing up! He is communicating so plainly with us to the point that it kinds of freaks us out! He’s potty-training and almost through with diapers. Avery is coming along right behind him. And watching the two of them play together, well you’ll see. Nothing in this world will ever top that feeling. It is all going by so fast that I’ve already forgotten most of the “difficulty” from the past year. Just like the labor, as soon as I laid eyes on both of my children, I forgot all the pain that I had just been through. It will be the same for you. It’s hell on earth right now, but as soon as you realize you’ve gotten into “the groove”, you’ll realize you’ve forgotten how hard this time was. But you’ll cherish those memories (even all the mistakes) for the rest of your life. (Oh, and don’t worry about Will eating/drinking something absolutely gross. I caught Avery playing in the toilet water yesterday, and Gavin drank out of a sippy cup he found with milk in it from God knows when, but they both survived! Oh, and I actually had one of those moments last week where I had to ask Gavin “Is that chocolate or poop?” Haha, name that movie! Parenthood is messy. No, it’s downright disgusting sometimes! It was chocolate BTW.)
Good luck! Good vibes coming your way! Prayers for you, your family and your new bundle! God bless!
I’ve always enjoyed reading your blog, Katie, but now I finally feel like I can really relate to you! It’s so easy to feel like you’re failing when you’re stuck in a rut and can’t get your head above water, but I promise you that you are doing just fine!! My hubby also gets up at 5:15 and I’m thrilled if he’s home by 7 pm. I’m pulling my hair out dealing with a very spirited almost 3-year-old all day and with another one on the way, all I want to do is lie down and kick my feet up the way that I was able to with my first pregnancy. I have a book to recommend to you (and all the other frazzled moms who read your blog!): it’s called “The Happiest Mom” by Megan Francis. It’s a quick and easy read and I’ve read it about 5 times front to back–whenever I need a reminder that it’s ok to chill out, we ARE good moms and our kids will be just fine!
Hang in there and as soon as you’re all able to settle into this new routine things really will get better…just cut yourself some slack!
Hang in there! I think all mothers at one time or another think they are failing. As a full-time working mom, my advice to you is to cherish every single moment you have with Will during the day because I would give anything at this point for the opportunity to stay at home with my 15 month old (even though I love my job). Every day I struggle with only seeing her an hour before work and 2 and half hours before bedtime. With that said, it is nice to get out of the house and have engaging conversations with grown-ups throughout the day so I can only imagine how difficult and tiresome the days can be. Regardless if you’re a working mom, stay at home mom, single mom, etc., we all have our moments. Just know that you have a community of readers/friends who are behind you 100%!
I love how honest you are! They only time I get to read your blog, is the 30 min or so I take my lunch break at work & its on my phone! or when I lock myself in the closet with my laptop to get some peace from my 3 & 4 year old;-)
Hang in there, i’m not sure it will get any easier because with each milestone, there are just other worries & things that pile up, but definitely savor those sweet times, they make everything worth while:-)
Take Care & know that you’ve made a bunch of Mama’s smile & feel not so alone today:-)
Marlyn
P.S. I was in your area the other day picking out granite for my basement at Levantina & I thought of you!
Just wanted you to know I feel for you! I was so there when I was pregnant with my son. My daughter was 2 years old and can honestly say I never started yelling at her until I was pregnant and just could not get a handle on my anxiety. I was home all the time with her, living in NYC with no family support, and my husband traveled (and still does) 1-2 weeks out of the month. It continued to be that way until recently. It was super hard and I was cranky all the time. I reached out to my mom friends who had had their second babies already to give me tips. All I came up with was it’s okay to not be the “mommy I as before.” It was okay to let her watch more tv than normal because I simply did not feel good and I was so tired. I napped when she napped during that time and got out when I could. We started eating a lot more fast meals: frozen, take out, pizza, etc. I gave myself permission to be a slacker because mothering a toddler and growing a baby is hard work! It’s the beginnings of taking care of both kids at once in a way as well as yourself and your marriage. After 2 pregnancies, my hubby now knows not to expect too much out of me emotionally for about half my pregnancy. I get a little crazy (well crazier than normal…) It’s okay, Katie, and you are not alone!!! It has taken me until now, my son is 16 months old, almost 2 years later to get the hang of my life again, but it is a new normal for sure. Give yourself LOTS of grace!!!
Fellow Mama:
You are not alone. My husband is deployed and I have so many days that sound like yours. At my low moments, I blast praise music and cry in the master bedroom closet. I pray for more grace and more strength and more patience.
Remember there is NO condemnation in Christ Jesus. So make sure you are not the one condemning yourself. There are no perfect parents- so you give yourself some grace.
Take a bath and leave the mess. It is all good.
praying for you Katie.
You don’t have to worry about the troops! Because they are right now at my house! 🙂
Don’t worry you’re failing. If you do, everyone does!
I’m not a mom and I’m not married which basically means we are in TOTALLY different stages of life. But I am a babysitter and I want you to know, it is perfectly fine to find yourself someone you trust who can take Will for the day or even just a few hours to get some things done. I have 2 moms I babysit for regularly and half the time it’s just to get the kids out of the house so they can accomplish some things. There is no shame in it and I don’t think SAHM do it enough! So, don’t be so hard on yourself, get yourself some guilt-free help, and hang in there! It will be ok 🙂
I saw this on one of my other favorite blogs not long after reading your post and had to share.
http://powerofmoms.com/2012/04/your-children-want-you/
ps. Good dental hygiene is highly overrated. Just remind your redneck self that you still have all your teeth 😀
ah, love it when you are so honest with us! Makes me feel normal 🙂 Just remember, this too shall pass. That is what I tell myself, and you know what? It does.
You, my dear, are NOT failing! My sister and I grew up with a stay at home mom who we thought was a super hero for doing all the things she did. Once we were grown and realized all she did for us, she admitted she felt like everything was done half-a**ed. We thought we were living like queens getting to eat grilled cheese every night. She thought she was failing because of our lack of nutritious meals.
One of the most memorable stories she ever told me was the day she went to the doctor because she had felt under the weather for two weeks. After she was finally able to lock down a sitter for a few hours to head off to the doctor, she got in the exam room and just laid on the paper covered exam table sobbing because she was so tired. She said the doctor checked her out, gave her some meds and just let her nap in the exam room for an hour. Did I know about this as a kid? No way! I didn’t know until I was 28 and stressed about work, raising a family, and sick as a dog. She’s a trooper, that one. And you are, too!
At the end of the day, you’re just like all the other Super Moms out there. You think you’re failing and the two lucky men in your life see a beautiful, loving mom who rocks their worlds. Will probably digs getting french fries for lunch. I know I would KILL to trade in my sad little spinach salad for a box of piping hot fries right now. And any man who loves a good PB & Honey sandwich is a keeper in my book. Especially one with a clean shaven face! ME-OW!!
As for Pinterest making you feel inadequate… check out this little blurb a mom wrote. (If you can find 3-5 minutes to read it.) Puts the world back into perspective. http://powerofmoms.com/2012/04/your-children-want-you/
Does it get easier? I have no clue. Is it worth it? Oh yeah! Will all your readers be here through thick and thin? You bet! With stains on our shirts, dust on our mantels, crumbs in between our toes and grease in our hair! Erratic posts, who cares? To me it makes it even more exciting when a fresh one comes across to peruse.
We all love ya, Katie. We really, really do. And you’re family is in my thoughts and prayers constantly. In a non-creepy, non-stalker way.
I agree that you are not failing! But I understand completely how you feel… It’s seriously like you took every thought out of my head about being a wife/mother and wrote it in your post. Except I am a little bit afraid to be pregnant with #2 because of how much I fail at the wife/mother thing… so in my fear I am putting it off. It will get better… just don’t give up!
Here are some things I have figured out that make my life easier…
There are tons of SUPER easy meals you can figure out how to make with the dinner thing (ex. frozen chicken + BBQ sauce in a crockpot and buns = pulled bbq chicken sandwiches, yum!) and I agree that playdates and phone calls often get me through the day.
And don’t feel bad… today my dining room floor was so bad that a baby I watch (not my own which I feel like is worse) put a day old banana in her mouth (plus some other stuff which I will not incriminate myself by mentioning ;-)). Three kids sat scared of the vacuum on the couch (protecting their toes) while I held a baby and vacuumed a TON of food off the floor. Then I drank a Diet Coke 🙂
Also when I am tired sometimes I put myself + daughter in her bedroom (where there are toys), close the baby gate and I rest/doze/read a book/journal/whatever-I-can-get-away-with on the rocking chair while she plays… it’s not always super restful, but it helps.
I guess I’m just saying that you are not alone. There is a whole SLEW of us out there that are just like you. And we are not bad moms 🙂
PS My grandma always said that nap time (though I’m not sure if Will naps) is HER time and she ALWAYS used it to take a nap and lay on the couch herself. She never used it to do housework. I thought that was awesome since my grandmother is the most put-together person I know. 🙂
Sending you love and prayers from VA!
It sounds like you are still holding your head above water! I am sure that it will get easier, you will fall into routine and figure it out! Just remember God had faith in you as a mother, he even blessed you with another one after making you wait for a while!!
What blog reader do you use?I started using google reader but it kind of overwhelms me when I see so many new posts!
Thanks for the very real post!
As you’re in a place in your life that I haven’t yet reached in my own, I can’t speak words of wisdom and comfort from my own personal experience. But I DO know that you’re not alone. Never feel like your readers will criticize you for being human. You’re brutally honest and we love that about you. I’ve got a friend who’s having a baby soon and posted this recently which I think you might like: http://bit.ly/HVGuy5. Take care of yourself. And one day that bathtub will get cleaned. And one day you’ll be showered, makeup on, and have dinner on the table when Jeremy gets home from work. But if that’s not today, that’s ok. Will doesn’t need a Stepford mom. He won’t love you any less and probably won’t remember that you were checking your phone while he was begging for a playmate. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
I stay home with my 5 year old and 2 year old sons. I’ve been a SAHM since Charlie was born in 2007… and there are certainly days that I think it is WAY more than I signed up to do. My husband was recently promoted… yeah! on paper… but BOO! in reality. He works up to 14-hour days and then just wants to collapse when he gets home. I just want to blabber away since I’ve been cooped up with kids all day! It’s tough… but each day has highlights that I wouldn’t trade. I want to thank you for posting your thoughts today… I try not to dwell on the ‘perfect’ lives that are mostly portrayed in blogs; it gives me a smile today to know that I am not the only one who can’t stay her kids every now and again. 🙂 It should make you smile to know that as well. Hang in there…
Hey Katie…Don’t worry. Every women goes thru this in her life. Here is a nice read for you http://www.careerwomaninc.com/2012/04/shattering-the-worklife-balance-myth/
Hi, Katie. I’ve been following your blog for a while and love it. When I read this post I was smiling because all I could think was “Oh, she is so pregnant!!!” I am so happy for you!!! I hope you understand what I mean and take it well! All those hormones kicking in plus the exhaustion that comes with pregnancy makes us feel extra overwhelmed! That is exactly what happened with me! Just take it easy, my friend! This too shall pass!!! You are a great mom and wife!
I definitely recommend you join a mamas group. I am in MOPS and I do women’s Community Bible study each week. I get time at each of those meetings to spend time with other mamas and believers while my little guy is safely in the childcare program. He loves the time with the other kids and I love the encouragment and rejuvenation I get from other moms. And a bonus is that it tires him out so that he is more than ready for a nap when we get home. Win-win all around. Hang in there!
I am so glad you posted this!!! I was like “How does Katie Bower do it all? Seriously, she takes care of a kid full-time, she had a photography business, a blog business, all of the admin work of being self-employed, a house to clean, AND now she’s pregnant!!!” It reminds me that people who write blogs and do cute projects are human too. I don’t know the whole story and I should not feel inadequate – we are all just treading water! 🙂
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this post. I’m a working mom (not by choice but out of necessity) and I too feel like I’m failing. I think you’re the first person I’ve ever heard say “Sometimes I just don’t play the way Will wants me too…” or something to that effect. The same goes for me and my son. My husband is fantastic at imaginative play and doing all the “right” things with him and when I try? It doesn’t seem to work. We’re all in this thing called parenthood together. And you know what? It will all work itself out.
Summer is coming up soon which means kids will be out of school. See if any teens from the youth group at your church want to come over and play with will a little while you get some work done around the house :0)
I’m going to let you in on a secret. Will won’t remember anything until he’s 4 and that’s only if he’s got a great memory. So cut yourself some slack. Survive the day. Do fun stuff when you can. To quote Ted Mosby, if every day is legendary, then no day is legendary. Clean one room per day, or just do one load of laundry per day. A little dirt really won’t hurt anyone. Lay on the floor and be a matchbox car mountain while you doze off- solitary play is good for kids too. And remember, growing a human is HARD work. It’s ok to tell Jeremy that you need him to cook dinner one night even though he went to work all day. You’ve been working too you know. Oh and you really should go to the grocery store all by yourself every now and then- it’s heavenly!! 😉
xoxo
Katie, My ‘kids’ are 25, 23, and 21 and I STILL remember how hard those days were! It is survival mode all the way. Things really will get better. It takes time and you have to be gentle with yourself. Don’t feel bad about taking whatever kind of breaks/help you can get. It makes you a better mom.
And if it makes you feel better, slap the next old lady that says “Oh honey, enjoy these days…They’ll be grown before you know it!” =)
(Although looking back, I totally agree with the saying “The days are LONG but the years fly by.)
Oh sweetie…no mother likes their kids like that!!!!
They’re awesome, but spending the whole day with them, it sucks!!! Every mother needs a break!
You’re not failing, that’s how everybody lives!
Soon you’ll get the hang of it!!!!!
Good luck!
It does get better. It is just the transition fase where you have to figure out and adapt to new routines. I don’t have kids right now so I don’t fully understand that part, but in my two years of marriage I have moved 3 times to 3 different states and you know what? I had my own little melt down in each. They didn’t last forever though so I know that you will be able to make it through.
Hugs,
Rissa
P.S. If it makes you feel better, my house is a mess today too and my husband would LOVE it if I made dinner more than once a week. 😉
i think being a mom while pregnant is so hard. so not the same as when you’re working and expecting the first one (did you do that? i don’t even know… weird.) anyway- the hubs is out of town for 3 days this week and we had what i called a ‘crazy’ lunch since 1. i don’t know how to make my own coffee (like fancy coffee, not coffee machine coffee- duh) and 2. i didn’t want to make lunch. we went to dunkin’ donuts… i got coffee (which theirs is SO gross.. i need to stop going- but there’s a drive thru…) and the kids got to share 25 munchkins. i think that it does get easier. i mandate nap times to be ~2 hours.. and the kids are 5, 4, 2, and 9m (though the 9m old is chatting in his room right now… punk!). 2 hrs = happy mom. i usually veg 3 days a week and 2 days hammer out a project. like folding clothes, or organize the desk. i dunno. something simple (ish)
and! i don’t even go day by day… i have to mentally separate my days from 1. morning and then 2. afternoon/night. it’s like one day is TOO big of a deal for me. ugh. so lame.
Katie (and readers), have you heard about Flylady? http://www.flylady.net It’s a (free) system for SAHMs, for getting that feeling of control back. It has you focus on specific areas of your home for just a few minutes at a time, here and there during your day. My husband works for Flylady and I have seen so many people say it changed their lives when they felt overwhelmed.
Flylady will agree with you that pinterest is the devil, because the “p-word” (perfection) is one of the most harmful expectations we can put on ourselves!
You can do it! I am still working full time and pregnant for the first time, but I enjoy looking ahead to what my motherhood journey might be like. Thanks for writing so honestly!
Your post just made me feel so much better! I’m a working mother to a 20month old but my husband leaves for work at 4am so I have the pleasure of getting ready in the morning with my son all alone. Its pure joy…….. On top of it we have a dog that needs to be walked because our yard is not fenced in. So, my morning consists of a 5am wake up (my son’s the worst sleeper on earth), my dog constantly barking to go out and me taking a shower with my son throwing toys at my naked body because he is in the bathroom with me while I get ready. After I get him dressed, he usually ends up pooping and then I have to change him which he hates so I wrestle him and usually end up getting poop under my nails. After we are all dressed and finished watching the wiggles to some unhealthy cookies and milk for breakfast we must walk our beloved dog for a potty walk. Afte that is done, I then wrestle my son into the carseat which he does not want to be in. I drop him off at daycare and then I’m off to work. I litterally look like a sweaty mess by the time I get there. People always comment, “you look so tired” …. I AM TIRED PEOPLE!
THANK YOU, katie. you have made me feel like a normal person again. i have an almost 2 year old & i’m 10 weeks pregnant, & i honestly have never felt so worthless in all my life. i have FIVE baskets of laundry that have not been put away in three weeks (we just keep pulling clothes out of the pile as needed), my house is gross, & a full suitcase sits in the hallway from our trip two weeks ago. i, too, am tired of trucks, blocks, & jumping… SO TIRED OF JUMPING. & i’m pretty sure my husband would be a better stay at home parent than me. he’s way more fun. i know people do this all day, every day, all of the time, but i’m not sure how. you are NOT alone, & thanks for reminding me that i’m not, either. 🙂 hang in there!
Katie –
I feel for you. You probably don’t want to hear this, but really, I think you guys should try to sell your house if you can and move closer to Jeremy’s office. You can still have the dream, but that dream is not going to even matter if he’s not there.
I’ve been a mom with a toddler and a newborn, and it’s not twice the work of one; it’s about 20 times.
I swear I am not trying to be a downer or make things seem worse, but if there’s no decent chance of Jeremy being re-relocated back home, you might want to think about it. As you well know, you’ll never have these years back as a family.
I’ll say a prayer for you. You’re not alone. And everything will be OK!
You’re not failing! It’s obvious how much you love Will and your family, there’s no way someone who loves so much is a failure! I think anyone in your situation would be stressed. I hope things ease up for you soon and Jeremy’s work commute gets better.
Katie, like all the SAHM, you are not alone. You are a wonderful mother to Will and to the little one inside:)
It is very very hard being a SAHM. I am SAHM of twin girls and until recently, 1.5 years to be exact, I had NO help in the parenting dept. My husband and I worked very hard these last few years. Our family is in another country and we are yet to make good friends in this new place called home.
My house looks like a mess. I tell myself to take one step everyday, just like I thought it was impossible to breastfeed two infants at the same time…but I made it…somehow..these last few years have been rewarding nevertheless.
A few years later, you will look back and cherish all the wonderful moments you have spent with your family. Your blog is rewarding, not only to all of us out here, but to you too!!
I wish you the very best in your pregnancy:)
just want to say two things: 1. you are not the only mom who feels like this! there’s a lot of pressure on moms to be everything to everyone and do it in a size 4 with a smile on your face… NOT REALISTIC so hang in there and take a deep breath! and 2. bravo for being brave enough to share those feelings! there’s no shame in feeling any of those things!
My Grandmother used to to tell me ‘chin up, buttercup!’ You’ll get through this, I will keep you in my prayers!
I absolutely promise it gets better!! My two boys are 15 months apart and this all sounds very familiar to the first year and a half of having 2 kids. I had a full-time job outside of the home. While you are at home all day needing your space and (rightfully so) losing your cool with Will, I was away from my kids feeling absolutely horrible about the fact that I WASN’T with them all day long. Then I would rush home to 3 hungry men (the hubs) and we would all end up eating sandwiches. Then it was rush to bath time, play time, clean up time and then bed time. There are not enough hours in the day.
I still have the same chores and mommy-guilt and yes, most of the time we don’t eat proper meals. I just have to remind myself that something is going to go undone every single day. Do I want that to be cleaning something? Making a homemade meal from scratch? Not playing with the boys? Not snuggling with my husband? It doesn’t matter.
I lose my cool with them a lot. They are 2 and 3 and the energy is just not there for me all of the time. They ask too many dang questions. They repeat themselves over and over and it is making me cross-eyed just thinking about it. I’m trying to ask myself at the end of the day “if this were my last day with them, would I be happy with my behavior with them?” It isn’t perfect, but it helps.
Praying for you!!! Calm will come to you soon. I just know it.
Katie…
The adjustment stinks…I totally agree. My husband is a software developer and for two and a half years he worked from a home office. It was HEAVEN. Our two kids would kiss daddy good-bye, he’d walk down the hall for work, he’d come home for lunch, and was rarely late for dinner. We had family time in abundance, and it was wonderful. Oh, and we lived 15 minutes from my parents in beautiful Northern Idaho…pretty snow covered pine trees in the winter, and summers hanging out at one of the prettiest lakes on earth….yes HEAVEN.
My husband was hired by a small start up company in New Mexico. I had to say goodbye to family, heaven, and surrender my husband to the START UP monster who now owned his soul. It was a very hard adjustment. You just get so used to having your best friend around…even if they are working down the hall…they are there…you aren’t alone, and when they are gone it feels very alone! My husband never made it home before seven, and often it was 10 pm before he’d walk though the door…there were even days when he’d work for 36 straight hours, and I would get sooooo mad at work.
It IS harder to get everything done…also Will is getting older (the terrible twos are sometimes terrible) and his demands are different…and you are pregnant and tired…a lot is changing…and yet you do have your victories…focus on the victories!!!!!!! Remember PINTERIST isn’t real life. Remember that when you photograph an apparently flawless room…no one sees the mess behind you! Yes Will ate an old banana…didn’t kill him…you are a great mom…even on the days that YOU would call your worst.
As for getting used to Jeremy’s schedule…you will get used to it…you will adjust and find the new rhythm to your days. You will find what works for your family because that is the kind of wife and mom that you are. Just don’t expect that to magically happen…it will take trial and error….just like having a new baby…take it slowly and give it time. Be patient with yourself.
And the truth is …you will always look back fondly to the days when you had it all…the husband at home, the energy, the time to do anything you dreamed of…
And then in another ten years you will look back fondly to the joys of your life now…the black sludge with be either laughed about or forgotten…
Because you fill your life with good, there will always be good to remember. So…deep breath…you are doing just fine…REALLY!
I admire you for writing this post. Thank you for telling me that it’s not just me that are having these issues. You are wonderful in every way possible. You are human.
If you wanna feel better and have a lovely laugh, read $herdogs new adventures with M&M. 😉 It certainly made my day!
You are a great mom, wife and woman Katie. Never forget that. <3
Having just had a meltdown last night, during which I slammed the toilet seat down and broke it – why does my 19 mo old have to be so independent and clingy? why can’t she just grow up already? sheeesh – I am right on this mommy page with you.
I don’t know if you’re like me, but I find that when I start getting upset and stressed out it’s usually because I feel like I can’t control anything. I have to remind myself to let go and let God have control. We can’t do everything. We say that being a mom is a full-time job, but then we don’t let ourselves actually see it that way – being there for our kids is a full-time job. Your little boy is clearly happy and healthy, and that’s what matters.
I’m learning to demand a little time for myself – I think the suggestion of roomtime was fantastic – and asking my daughter to respect my time to read or work on something. Just for 20 minutes or so. I also am getting her involved with tasks around the house. She “helps” me cook dinner and she loves to help empty the dishwasher. Maybe Will can help with things too!
Please don’t feel like a failure. Motherhood is super hard. Nobody admits it, they all act like they have everything together and can do it all. I’m not going to lie, its not going to get any easier with a newborn, but seeing your children love and play with eachother makes it worth it. I have 3 kids, 6 years old, 2.5, and 3 months. I have finally realized that as long as I’m trying my best, and stopping once in a while to give each kid and my husband a kiss or hug or tell them a complement, that they know they are loved and everything else is secondary. Also, DO NOT feel bad about not wanting to be around Will all day. I stay home with my kids and sometimes I just go into the bathroom to try to get some quiet. It rarely works. With in a few minutes there’s a knock (if I’m lucky) or somebody talking outside the door, or somebody crying somewhere in the house. Just take a deep breath, go outside so Will can run by himself and just enjoy your beautiful yard.
Daycare just one day a week will help you immensley. :). I also suggest you take a week off from blogging. Lessen the load, ya know?
You’re not failing. It happens to every stay at home mom. My husband worked from 7am to 7pm and only every other weekend off for several years and I understand the frustration of it all and for most of that I had 2 little ones neither of which were in school. What worked for me was I had dinner ready for him every night when he came home then after we ate we spent at least 1 hour family time and after that 1 hour or so I would go clean up the kitchen while he spent time with the little ones and put them to bed. My husband also had a problem going to sleep without me there and I can’t go to sleep that early so what I would do is go lay down with him and would talk with him till he fell asleep and then I would slowly and very carefully get out of bed and then go have some “me” time till I was tired. To be honest I didn’t really worry about trying to keep the house clean or picked up and there were times I was sure DCFS was going to knock on my door and declare me unfit. But they didn’t and they haven’t yet. Now that my kids are a little bit older 7, and 8 they are each responsible for their rooms and every night they pick up 25 things off the living room floor and put them where they belong. Doesn’t matter what it is and you’d be surprised how big a dent it makes. As for the screaming and yelling, it really helps to have a husband who can read your moods and can grab the kids and say “Mommy needs a time out. Let’s go play over here” It will get better but only in the sense that you get used to it and will therefore have a little more patience. Things won’t really change all that much. The only advice I can give you is don’t bottle it up, talk about it, cry about it, and even scream about it, or you will explode. Trust me I know.
KB! I have no advice as I haven’t been in your shoes, but it sounds like lots of people have lots of good advice. I just wanted to write a note to let you know that we all love you, and love your blog. I hope that things get easier and that God gives you the strength to make it through this rough time. Oh and I’ll still love your blog even if you just post a couple of times a week & even if it’s just snap shots of Will. =)
Katie this morning I was crying to my husband at the breakfast table, telling him I feel so NEEDY all the time and I hate it. I am a sahm to our one year old girl and he leaves the house at 6am, works all day, goes to school at night and comes home exhausted. I’m exhausted too and lonely because I don’t want to admit how hard it really is! So many of us make it look so easy when we dress our babies up and go out into the world, but it’s not easy, it’s HARD. and i only have one right now so i can’t imagine! Thank you so much for your honesty! And reading all the other moms comments have really helped me not feel so alone in this one.
Hi Katie, Thanks for your honesty. You always provide such a real prospective that is so refreshing. I’m sure that it may not feel refreshing to you right now but know that you are doing an AMAZING job as a mom, wife, blogger, and encouragement to other women & moms. When you mentioned Pinterest making you feel like a failure, I instantly thought of this article that I read the other day (thanks to StyleBerryBlog). Hope that you can find encouragement and hope in this article: http://powerofmoms.com/2012/04/your-children-want-you/. Keep your chin up….we are ALWAYS our worst critics.
Get off Pinterest!! Seriously, if it makes you feel inadequate, don’t look.
When you are preggers with your first child, very few people tell you how very, very hard it is going to be. They allude to it with a wink — Oh, your life is going to change!!
It would be more helpful if people would acknowlege/talk about how hard it is. Then we moms wouldn’t feel obligated to add feeling terribly inadequate into the mix. It’s like a relief to say…I couldn’t be with my kids all day. (me) I am a better mother because I DON”T have to handle all the caretaking every moment. So I understand someone who is struggling with doing it.
I don’t know anyone who wants to change dirty diapers or do the caretaking stuff of having kids, or play with them ALL day. Because it is really, really hard.
You have quite the load, because you don’t have backup and everyone needs a break at times. And add in all those pregnancy hormones…everything just seems magnified and so much bigger than it is because you are growing a life, which is absolutely monumental.
Everyone who is a parent has been where you are at some point. The trick is to try and let go of those things that you can’t control/and or aren’t important. Kids have short memories, and won’t care about the things you are currently obsessing over. And the hard time evenutally passes. You will get through it.
And chocolate helps.
Or bacon, in your case. Chocolate and bacon.
You should go watch the video of Sherry on MTV again. It totally turned my day around! I could watch her say that she is an aspiring rapper over and over again. Love you guys!
You need a mommy morning out program! once or twice a week he can play with other kids his age, its half a day usually 930-1. My hubby is a Stay at home parent and those two days are his sanity checks where he can work on his laptop, get coffee, enjoy silence. It has done WONDERS for him and it makes the other 3 days not so exhausting. They are usually run by churches. (non-church ones tend be way more expensive) And my 18-mo-old loves it! He has a “girlfriend” that he likes to share his lunch with. and he is so tired out from nonstop playing that he takes long naps on those afternoon.
Hi Katie! I’m new to your blog – I just started reading it a few days ago and love it so far and am working my way through your archives 🙂 Because I’m new, I feel like I don’t know you, your family, and your story very well (yet!) but I just wanted to thank you for your honesty about what you’re going through right now and about your feelings. I’m sorry that you’re struggling right now but know you’ll make through (Bower Power, right?) and you and your family will be stronger because of it. I don’t have any children so I can’t offer any suggestions for you there but have a silly suggestion for your and Jeremy’s new sleeping situation – you may want to consider him trying to use an eye/sleeping mask. It probably sounds really silly and maybe not very masculine but they really work! I took a two-week trip through the UK and stayed in hostels and used an eye/sleeping mask and didn’t have any trouble falling asleep with the overhead room lights on – it was the best thing I bought in preparation for my trip (the plug adaptor was a close second though)! Keep up the great work!
Hang in there – it’ll get better. You are not alone believe me. I am alone 12 hours a day with a 18 month old and 8 weeks pregnant with morning sickness. We live abroad so our family can’t help out and I’ve learned to adjust my expectations. I let her watch TV now in the morning because I am normally so nauseous I can’t handle anything else but laying on the couch after breakfast. I skip my normal shower some days to nap while she naps which means I telecommute at 10pm instead of 11am for my job. We eat pancakes for dinner some nights when I just couldn’t manage to go grocery shopping that day. It happens! But at the end of the day, no matter how many times she told me “no” or “time-outs” she had, I still rock and sing her to sleep knowing I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.
I was just checking out the blog to see how you’re doing and it seems like you need a little booster of confidence. My kids are teenagers now and our issues have changed, but those early years were really difficult (especially that first year with two kids – sorry). On the bright side – so happy that you’re pregnant. It took us five years and $$$ to have our two children, so look, you saved money right there. We would not have survived the early years – like until there were 12 – without our friends. Every other weekend we traded babysitting. So once a month we have 4-5 hours of time to either go out on a date, or to go home and get something done. It worked. Find someone and trade time off. It’s not always so fun to have other people’s kids for 4 hours, but when you know that you get the same deal in two weeks, it makes it easier. Will is getting to the age where he will want to spend time with other kids. Capitalize on that so you can do something – anything – while they play. Good luck – we’re praying for you!
Oh we are all hearing you Katie!!! Now surely I’ve got just one pair of clean underpants left somewhere….
Ugh. Katie I feel so bad for you. I think every Mom goes through that. I’m an Aunt and babysitting for a whole day completely drains me. I don’t know how you Momma’s do it.
I wasn’t having the best day today but your dear friend $herdog posted the best video I’ve ever seen in my life on YHL.
Feel better dear!
It does get better. I remember being right where you are…I would say over and over “Take one day at a time, don’t look back” and on the really bad days it was “Take one breath at a time, breathe in…breathe out”. Some days will be smooth and some days won’t. Fact of Life.
What can I say that hasn’t already been said? I just wanted to toss my hat into the ring of feeling overwhelmed most days. I’m a terrible mom most days, talking to my sister on the phone while my daughter watches Lady and the Tramp for the second time in a row. I read blogs while I have her strapped in her chair eating breakfast. The t.v. is on way too much and she had McDonald’s fries for lunch the other day. Everyone tells me I should put her to bed at 8pm so my hubby and I will have “alone time,” but she only sleeps 10 hours and I am not willing to get up at 6am. My hubby usually works till 6pm and I told him, “Do you realize that’s 12 hours?! With a 20 month old???” As one commenter up there said… It doesn’t get easier, you just have new/different hurdles. I’ve learned to do the best I can and give the rest to God. Some days I suck bad and am selfish with my time and other days I rock out and my daughter is sick of me. You just have to find that balance… And as far as Pinterest and all that… I took a break from Martha for awhile, because I was beating myself up over not being perfect. I said something to my hubby one night and he was like, “You do realize she has a crew of like 50 people doing all that crap for her, right?” Oooohhhhh yeah. You’re one woman and you’re doing great. It was good that you posted this. You entertain us all the time–Now let us be here for you! Love you! 🙂
Wow…that was just cruel.
You are not failing. I actually think you are doing a lot of it right. You are giving your time to Will by taking him outside to play and making memories with him. It’s okay if you get a little cranky with him. We’ve all been there. You have also recognized that you need to change some things, so now you just need to figure out exactly what it is that you need. Maybe drop Will off with a friend so that you can focus on getting the house clean or go to the grocery store. I go to the grocery store every week on Sunday at 10pm because I won’t have to take the kids with me, and I can get in there and get out because I am the only crazy person grocery shopping at that time. I also carve out an hour or 2 for myself every weekend and just get out of the house. Last weekend, I tried on prom dresses just for fun. I think I will do that one again and take a friend with me next time!
If it makes you feel any better, none of our 3 bathrooms haven’t been cleaned in nearly a month, I let the dogs clean up the food that falls on the floor under the table, and our clothing is in a constant state of living in the laundry baskets. Our beds are never made unless someone just put clean sheets on them, and there is a layer of dust on all of the furniture. I do vacuum once a week because we have pets, and we do a good job of making sure the dirty dishes get washed. I consider my housekeeping duties a success if we stay on top of those 2 things. 🙂
You’ll eventually adjust to the change and find a pattern/schedule that works for you. I always tell myself that even if my kids remember that we had a messy house, they will also hopefully remember how much fun we had! I have been neglecting my house because my kids want me to play with them. I hate the messy house, but I love it that I am able to spend so much time with the kids. The way I see it, I’ll have a clean house eventually. It might be 15 years from now before I get caught up on everything and actually keep the house clean every day, but that’s okay. After the kids are grown, I can think about all of the fun we had when they were little…while I am cleaning.
It gets better. Or at least that’s what I keep telling myself. It will get better. This has to get better. And I’m not even pregnant! But I do remember a phase in my first trimester with my son where I felt like I couldn’t do a single thing, it was all so HARD! And I didn’t even have a kid yet!!! Give it a few weeks. The second trimester will bring lovely energy and nesting instincts to power through the housework and cooking, and by then you will have settled into your new schedule and have a routine that works for you guys. Good luck, we’re all rooting for you!
i apperciate your candidness? is that a word? anyway, i really do. takes a lot to let your cards be seen 🙂 xo
Oh, sweetheart, we’ve been there. It WILL get better!
When my kids were brand new I read that you should always get showered, dressed and outside before lunch. Terribly hard some days, but that sunshine would recharge me and make me feel so much more calm. And I think the routine in the mornings (breakfast, get dressed, then play while Mommy gets ready) was good for the kids. They knew what to expect for their day.
Our mantra used to be ‘This too shall pass…’ and it will. Things will get easier. Some have commented above that it won’t be easier because other things come up (homeworks, sports, etc) and people used to tell me that, too. But even when they need help with that stuff, their level of independence makes it more doable. It will be hard 😉 but not as hard as things are right now.
This is turning into a novel but I’m going to keep going. I used to feel guilty about not playing with my kids all the time. They want me to play with them, and the day will come when they don’t want me anymore, so I should do it, right?! Yes, sometimes. But it’s also ok to say no. Will can learn all kinds of good lessons playing by himself and working that imagination. My kids’ favorite preschool teacher once told me that she never played toys with her kids. She would give them a dirt hole to dig in and and explore, or take them on nature walks, but they played by themselves. She’s amazing at all things, so I’ve adopted her advice and I don’t feel as guilty not playing.
For me, the transition from 1 kid to 2 kids was soooo much easier than from 0 kids to 1. You know what to expect, you’re a pro now. And newborns sleep all the time. You can totally do this. You’re not just gonna get through it, you’re going to be GREAT at it! And we’ll all be here for you!
Oh Katie, I’m so sorry to hear that you are feeling like you’re failing. You are not. And you are not alone in that feeling. I feel like a failure most of the time. I have a beautiful 22 month old daughter (and am 7 months pregnant with #2) yet feel annoyed with everything in my life most of the time. I’m not sure if it’s hormonal, or if I just need to be mad at someone in order to function. I’m mad at my husband for not getting enough stuff done around the house. I’m mad at my daughter for having insane tantrums for no reason. “No, I’m sorry you can’t have the blanket that I’m sitting on. You can sit on it with me or get another one of the 5 blankets in the room, but I’m not going to haul my pregnant self off the tile floor just so you can throw this blanket out the door. I don’t care how much you cry.” Yeah, I’m mother of the year too. I’m mad at myself for being such a terrible person to be around. Apparently every time I talk to my husband on the phone he thinks I’m about to lose it. I’m sorry that you are experiencing this too. Is it bad that it makes me feel a little better knowing that you are in the same boat? I hope it makes you feel better knowing that I’m struggling too.
Sarah
Oh, honey! What you are going through is exactly why I went back to work full-time. Although I feel like nothing is ever done the way I want it (my job or my parenting) and there are plenty of working-mom challenges (as in work out of the home), I know that I cannot stay home all day with my toddler. It would be a disaster for both of us, although I miss him during the day and love him dearly and have lots of fun with him when he’s not having a meltdown or getting into trouble.
Deep breaths!! It will take some time for you and your family to figure out a new routine that’s sensible and keeps you as happy as possible. But you’ll have to readjust your expectations and let go of the guilt of not being “perfect”. Believe me, I know that’s easier said than done. And I also have several blog posts just waiting for photos or text!
Wow this sentiment is running rampant all over my Google Reader! Roses Daughter shared this post recently and I thought you might find it useful: http://powerofmoms.com/2012/04/your-children-want-you/
You and me both. I feel like I’m drowning with a 20 month old and a newborn.
I seriously LOVE you for writing that. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. You wrote my life! I stay at home with my 27 month old and am 4 months preggo with #2. When he is napping (which he is right now, thank God!)…I love him very, very much. I sit and swear that when he wakes up I will be a better mom and I will not look at the US Weekly Ap on my iphone when he is awake and I will make sure he eats instead of letting him play with his 3 million matchbox cars or throw rocks all day (which he would WAY rather do than eat fruit) and then end up really cranky and hungry. But then he wakes up, and somehow my gossip mag ap calls to me and he just yells MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY PLAY CARS over and over again and the stupid kitchen tile is so filthy it looks polka dotted and our laundry has been sitting in the wash for 15 days and smells like old cheese and dirty toes and there are moldy bananas in the backseat of my car and I haven’t brushed my teeth in 3 days and I am so nausous I can’t even think about food and I just want to cry. But then I go out and other mothers have clean cars and clean playrooms and clean teeth and dinners made for their hubby’s at 6pm and I DONT UNDERSTAND….how do they do it?!?!!? But then I remember I love my little man and somehow, by the grace of God, it will all work out!!!! 🙂
I totally know where you are coming from. My boys are 21 months apart and I truly lucked out with personalities and their level of maturity even as toddlers, but sometimes it is hard to see the forest for the trees. The summer when they were 2yrs and 3mo old, I adopted singing the part from Finding Nemo where Dori (Ellen Degeneres) is singing “Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming…la, la, la, la, LA!” It was my calm down mechanism and my two year old would normally stop whatever he was doing to listen to his crazy mother. Now 4 1/2 yrs and 3 yrs, they sing that to me when we’re getting a little harried. It gets easier in some ways and harder in others. Stick with it! Give yourself a timeout. That’s my new way of dealing with their antics. Got to keep it fresh because they are wickedly smart at that age 🙂
Stop whining. Seriously it could be so much worse. You have a vibrant toddler. You are pregnant without needing any medical intervention. You have a loving husband. Use your blog to count your blessings, not vent about your “misfortunes”. Watch the news or read a newspaper…it could be so.much.worse.
Commuting just makes everything worse. Period. It’s such a time suck. My husband commutes 1.5 hours both ways and it’s the worst. I know exactly how you feel and I cried reading this because almost every word is true for me too (just switch “son” out for “daughter” and we could be leading parallel lives)!
Thank you for sharing!
Girl, you are SO not alone. I wish I had the time or energy to say more than that, but I don’t. Thanks for keeping it real.
Nope, you are not alone! That was me my WHOLE first trimester of this pregnancy, except I was also failing at teaching 4th grade, too. The really good news is, I hit 15 weeks and suddenly felt like super woman! All of a sudden, I can use every available moment to do something productive. My 2 year old fell in love with play-doh, so I can fold laundry. I let her ride her scooter in the kitchen so that I can clean up in there. You just have to give yourself a little leway at this point. It WILL pass 🙂 Good luck, lady, I hope it gets better quickly!
Your blog is so fabulous and you yourself are fabulous. I don’t have kids yet, but I know it will be so very hard. I don’t think people are honest enough about how tough it is having a baby/toddler to take care of. So thanks for your honesty!
http://www.gracepointe.com/templates/System/details.asp?id=43415&PID=872179
http://www.corinthchristian.org/preschool/
Something like this would be a good investment. Don’t know if wither are close to you. Hope this helps! You’re not alone. I think I’m a bad mom more times than I like to think about.
My son is younger than yours, so I can’t tell you it will get easier … but I CAN tell you that you aren’t alone!
Also, I missed the post when you announced your pregnancy!! CONGRATULATIONS!! 🙂
Oh dear – I feel for you!
My son is about to turn 2. My husband is gone at the crack of dawn and home late. Always has been, always will be.
What helps me is:
– routine … I know there’s this amount of time til sleep time, etc. my son sleeps for 2 hours during the day and I can get so much done then and feel refreshed. He’s then asleep from 7pm to 7am (I’m serious. It’s a routine called Save Our Sleep by Tizzie Hall)
– we play in the backyard, go for walks, visit neighbours (he plays with the kids; I talk to the mums; or neighbours join us for a walk, etc)
– we walk to local parks, go and do grocery shopping (son waves at everyone from his seat in the trolley and loves it!)
– we go to playgroup, we go to friends houses, we go on excursions to shopping centres to get chores done
– at home we play but he also plays himself while I pack the dishwasher for example. He helps with the washing and then runs around the backyard while I hang it out on the clothesline (we live in Australia)
– he has toys in the bathroom while I have a shower; we go to different rooms in the house throughout a day (he thinks its interesting to be somewhere different and I get something done like put some clothes away)
– we go to the library and do other activities
I guess the point is breaking up the day! Everything doesn’t get done but that’s ok. Dinner can be a sachet of frozen vegetables (a few secs in microwave and some studies say they’re just as nutritious as fresh?) with something grilled in the oven – done! Every day, my son has a Vegemite sandwich and fruit – loves it!
Good luck …
Kate
http://www.brightbeginningsatfbcl.org/html/tuition.html
hang in there and remember you’re not alone 🙂
I thought you might be interested in giving these teachings a listen (if you ever find the time ha ha) they are centered around these 4 truths about God (below), and how our identity is shaped by who He is and what He does
1. God is great – so we don’t have to be in control
2. God is glorious – so we don’t have to fear others
3. God is good – so we don’t have to look elsewhere
4. God is gracious – so we don’t have to prove ourselves
here is the link to the first one http://tacoma.somacommunities.org/sermon/session-6-the-4gs-part-1-god-is-great/
You are not a failure! God has already told you who you are! you are his child 🙂 and He loves you.
Katie, first of all, thank you. Thank you for your brave honesty and for saying out loud what so many of us feel every day. When you give a voice to those who feel it but cannot speak it, you give them strength.
Second, forgive yourself. You are a devout and loving mother, wife, and friend. It is evident in every word you share with us. Your boy and your man look at you and see the most capable, loving, extraordinary, beautiful woman, and you inspire each one of us to be a better version of ourselves. You don’t need to be perfect. You only need to be perfectly you.
Third, don’t be afraid of the days when it all seems insurmountable. That is when you are at your strongest for you are digging deep to carry on, and your strength is endless. You have an unlimited supply as long as you have faith. I don’t have children. Despite what I wanted and tried for and prayed for, God knew better and his plan for me is still unfolding. But I know what it is to feel like the to-do list is never ending, that my inner core is shriveling under the weight of responsibility, that I don’t have what it takes to do it right and do it well, and that I’m getting worse at managing my life, not better. It doesn’t feel good to want to be needed but to feel inadequate at filling the need. Your darling boy may run to Daddy for his boo-boos, but that does not make you any less of a mama. His mama. His irreplaceable, beautiful, nurturing, soul-filled, funny, grace-filled mama.
Fourth, struggle is how God gets us to grow. They don’t call them”growing pains” for nothing! Missing Jeremy is good. Struggling with Will is good. Struggling with yourself is good. Doing it while sleep deprived is not good:-) Get a sitter for three hours, one day a week. Go to your room, fill the tub, soak for an hour. Put on fuzzy jammies and close the blinds. Turn off the phone and the baby monitor. Shut the door. Lie down and tell God he’s got it and that you’ll be back in a few. Don’t worry about sleeping. Just rest your mind and your body for two hours. The to-do list can wait. Dinner can wait. The unanswered mail can wait. The world will not spin off its axis while you do this. Allow your body and mind to heal and rest.
Finally, just be you. You being You is exactly what the world needs and you happen to be extraordinarily good at it. The rest all manages to work out just fine. Someday Will will have something worse than a skinned knee. Perhaps a broken heart, or a lost dream. And he will turn to you and say, Mom I need you. And you’ll be there. And you will be exactly what he needs.
It does get easier in some areas and harder in others as your babies get older—-especially when you have more than one child and add more activities and school to their schedules. You are NOT failing, though. If at the end of the day you and your kids are alive, then it’s a good day! :-)No matter how your house looks, how clean or dirty you and/or the kid(s) are, or what you’ve had for lunch or dinner. You are living real life. There are no perfect parents out there. There is no perfect way to parent, either. Everyone gets upset with their kids and needs a break from them. If you see a mom who looks like she has it together, DON’T BELIEVE WHAT YOU SEE!! She is most likely struggling to get through her day, too. There are no perfect kids, either. So you didn’t have a wonderfully made home-cooked meal waiting for your hubby when he got home from work, you’ve been busy working all day, too. I think as stay-at-home mothers we often forget that our job is just as tough and demanding as a job outside of the home. Your number one priority is your son. If the house is dirty and there is no meal at dinnertime, then hand your hubby a sponge or a spatula and say, “get to work, babe”. This is a team effort. Some days you will be able to have the house spotless and a meal waiting, other days you will need a haz-mat team to find your bed. I have three kids (6, 5, and almost 3 years old). We homeschool. Most days I break down at some point and cry for a minute because I am exhuasted and I wish my husband could get paid to stay at home with me and the kids. We are 3,000 miles away from our families and it gets really tough when we need 5 minutes away from the kids and we don’t have anyone to call. Don’t worry about what happened yesterday or 5 minutes ago. Resolve to try better next time and move on. If you lose your temper again, okay. Try again. And pray. And pray. And pray. You are doing a great job and you are going to be O.K.! The years go by quickly. Take millions of pictures and videos and let the house get messy. In 20 years your windows and floors will stay perfectly clean for more than 5 minutes and you’ll wish for one more crazy day with your baby eating bananas off the floor. 😉
Poor girl. I feel ya. It does get better though. For one, you will adjust somewhat to Jeremy’s new schedule. When my husband first started traveling, I freaked out. Seriously. Now I’ve gotten used to it. I still miss him, but this is our new reality. And Will will definitely play independently more and more. And your second baby will enjoy watching him do ANYTHING which makes the second baby easier than the first. In the meantime, hang in there and don’t be so hard on yourself.
Hi Katie!
There is nothing I love more than honest posts! We are imperfect but as women and mothers expected to be so. You are doing wonderful and there is a lot happening all at once. I have a 13 month old, am 16 weeks prego and have 9-year-old step twins (and the boy is the worst at listening). I yell, lose my temper and cry. Staying home is tough. It does get better. Just wait until they got to school! I love it! Helping with homework, projects and volunteering is the best!
You’re not failing! You’re a mom. Every single thing you said I was thinking, “Hey! Me, too!” Only worse, usually. Like when you want to pull out your iphone… I actually do. Way too much. And then I just leave the house a mess because the moment my girls go down for a nap all I want to do is curl up and read blogs. And watch Friends. And tell you that it is ok to feel this way! And actually… it does get better. There are always good days and bad days… but I understand. We’ve just been through 4 months of my husband being gone 14+ hours a day, or being out of town altogether. Yep. Just me from sunup to sunrise with a 2 1/2 year old and a 1 year old. And we haven’t even gotten weekends until last weekend when my hubby was home for the first Saturday of the year.
Give yourself a break and know that toddlerhood is hard. But not impossible to survive. And I know it’s just my opinion, but I feel that it is totally ok to let your kids learn to play independently so you can spend some time tackling stuff that is stressing you out. Will will enjoy his mommy better if she isn’t stressed every time they talk to each other.
Hang in there! You’ll survive. And there will be better days ahead.
Thanks for sharing this. I needed to read/hear your honest confessions. I have a 20 month old and a 3 month old, and am back at work full-time. My husband’s schedule is very different from mine, so there are a lot of long nights and weekends where it is just me and the girls. I really appreciated your honesty about, well, everything.
Thanks for sharing this. For whatever reason, it is helpful to see that I’m not alone.
I usually look at your posts, and think, wow her son must play by himself a lot for her to get these projects done! I have a 29 month old son, who gave up naps at 20 months, doesnt sleep thrugh the night, he wakes up a few times, and ultimately, I bring him in our bed. Glad to hear your life is not all perfect haha if you get what I am saying. From the looks of it, it seemed that way to me ! My grandma tells me a house is not A home unless it is lived in. I try to remember that as I step barefoot on crumbs, and eat dinner staring at finerprinted windows lol
Hoping to join you in the preggo dept next mth.
Btw, have you tried budgeting for a weekly or biweekly cleaning svc?
Awww Katie…. Maybe take a break from the blog. As much as we enjoy reading it, we will be willing to wait a couple of weeks so you can get caught up at home and relax.
I read a quote today that said,” good moms have messy houses and messy floors.”
Or there’s, “excuse the mess, we’re too busy making memories…”
Praise God for such an honest, caring, devoted woman. I am a new mom too and I am struggling with keeping my head above water. It hurts to realize I can’t do everything. I hear you. Hang in there…
I’d like to call this the case of the “first trimester.” Yup. I am 26 weeks pregnant with my second and I JUST NOW am getting some motivation back. I didn’t cook, clean, change diapers, you name it and my husband was doing it. Hang in there, it will get better. I promise.
Ha! Sounds like my life. Expect I have TWO! A toddler and a baby. Really. Two. I feel your pain. Wait til two though. Whoa. I’ve had many a meltdown since the baby arrived that I never even considered were possible with my first. But mine are girls. I would love to spend a day with just my (girl) toddler. It would be bliss!
Oh Man! You know you have all this support here. It gets better, and it gets worse again & then it gets better again. It’s life & that seems to be the way it goes. Use your prayer to remind yourself what you do have, those things you are grateful for & put a smile on your face. I’m a mostly SAHM (work 10hrs a week) with kids 7yr, 5yr & 2yr and I feel like this alot. It helps to know it’s normal. I yell too, then feel bad & guilty & a failed mother. I argue with my husband, because we are both frustrated. Parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done & I believe it’s the hardest thing I will ever do. As long as you are aware of the things you are doing well & the things you are struggling with, they will be your focus & you will be able to keep them in check. Talk, keep communication open & you will realise you are not alone & talk to Jeremy so that the two of you can continue to operate as a team. Take care of yourself, so that you can be your best for your family & your growing bub. Ask for help if you need it. Oh & sleep, it really helps regenerate your system. Stop & nap when Will does if you need to, sleep doesn’t have to be the traditional 8hrs at night if that doesn’t work in your schedule.
I TOTALLY feel that way too… glad I’m not the only one. Seriously. Hang in there- people tell me it gets easier as the kids get a little older, I guess we’ll see 🙂
Hang in there Katie!! We all go through times where we feel stretched and overwhelmed! This too shall pass!! Love and prayers sent your way!!
No – but I would love to one day!
xo – kb
You’re just like the rest of us… Keeping it real!
Everyone has given you great advice. Meals from a freezer as much as possible. Dinner at your mom’s as much as possible. meal prep is exhausting!
On another note, have you ever heard of MOPS? Mothers of Pre schoolers but you can go even if your child is younger (I’ve gone and my baby is 3 months). It is FANTASTIC. there is food, a Christian atmosphere, and childcare. My chapter meets 2 times a month and I can’t tell you enough how wonderful it is. Here’s the site to find your closest one:
http://www1.mops.org/web/web_group_search.php?PHPSESSID=8qhjq7er993pvutrej39bf5cj7
it will help with your sanity, I promise!!
Oh absolutely it could be worse. This post was definitely not about my blessings – which are so many – it’s about my faults. Just layin them out there.
xo – kb
haha…she’s hilarious. That is seriously one of my favorite things about her. I’m so glad she finally shared it because I’ve been dying over it for years 🙂
xo – kb
I use google reader but I don’t know if it’s the best – just what I’ve always been using 🙂
xo – kb
Oh I do. I know I do. There is so much to be thankful for. I don’t want this complainy post to take away from the fact that I really do have so many blessings.
xo – kb
If only they sold chill pills approved for pregnant women 🙂
Seriously though – I really do not have problems…I just am dealing with an internal struggle and whining about it – which I think applies to us all – first world to the seventy-fourth world.
xo – kb
That’s hilarious. I wonder how big the bag was…
xo – kb
haha…isn’t it funny how sometimes we just need our mama!?
xo – kb
If it’s at all affordable, can you find a gym with a kid care option that will watch your little guy for an hour? BTW – you don’t actually have to work out during that hour. You can shower, play on the phone, or sit on a reclining bike and watch tv/listen to music. It’s a nice option for SAHMs that need a little mental health time during the day. Just a thought…
A house that’s clean, dinner at 6p.m., 3 square meals a day, clean underware everyday of the week, kids that stay engaged and are never bored……these things are HIGHLY OVER-RATED!
I’ve followed your blog for quite some time, and it’s quite clear that you love your husband and your baby (and you’ll love this next baby just as much!)! My prescription for you: go have a Ben and Jerry’s (okay maybe three or four), and then tell Jeremy and Will that it’ll be Ben and Jerry’s for dinner tonight! (smile, smile)
And, in a little while you’ll figure out a few little tricks that will make your “new life” doable. I am a stay at home mom/home school mom of three great kids (12, 10, and 8). My husband works out of Richmond and doesn’t come home except on the weekends, and every day I still discover little things that make my life work better. I’m DONE fixing muffins and cookies from scratch, my yard is constantly a work in progress, as is the inside of my home, and I never iron (except for church and weddings). I used to have the entire house cleaned, the car cleaned out and washed, laundry caught up, and the yard manicured by Friday evening. Now, you’re lucky to catch a clean potty if you drop by unexpectedly. (Yep, I’d be the “hostess with the mostest” running to the bathroom for a quick wipe down while you wait in the kitchen having a stale cookie and a great cup of coffee (some things you just can’t skimp on =)
Anyways……YOU’RE THE BEST! Even in all the mess……YOU’RE THE BEST! God knows it and many others do, too. Many times people will say “I’m praying for you,” but if you don’t mind, I’ll share this with my prayer partner and my Bible study group, and we’ll all be praying for you! Hang in there!
I feel like this all the time and I don’t even have kids! Stay strong, this is just an adjustment period. You’ll have a new routine figured out soon. Like all of us, you’re judging yourself too harshly. Forgive yourself, laugh, and keep going! Just remember, you have a ton of people supporting you who may not have ever commented before, but love your blog, because you’re real.
I love the late night grocery shopping idea. I might have to steal that one 🙂
xo – kb
haha…you know what?! I did sort out a bunch of clothes (think half the closet) and thought about selling them…maybe mommy-time would be the benefit!
xo – kb
Oh Katie, I sympathise with you, My hubby does 12 hour work days – 6 days a week!
He leaves home at 5:45am & gets in the door at 6:45pm.
Luckily for us it isnt permanent, but it is how it is now. I have 2 babies. A 2 & a half year old & an 8 month old baby.
Little tips that help me are, I make the bed as soon as I get up in the morning – It makes the whole room feel clean – even if it isnt.
I do a load of washing every single day, I will put it on in the morning, hang out some time mid morning & bring in late afternoon. This save big build ups of washing.
I also clean the bathroom everytime my 2 & a half yr old is in the bath, Just a simple wipe down & tidy, seeing as I have to supervise anyway.
Also snacks are already cut up in the fridge ready to go, I have cheese cubes, Little pieces os sausage & fruit in containers ready to go, As she wants to eat ALL The Time!
I hope these little tips help you, It does get easier. You fall into a routine soon enough, your just trying to find the ground at the moment, It will happen 🙂
Also TV! Kids shows are the best!! I can put that on for an hour, While I zoom around doing cleaning, preparing dinner etc.. It wont be damaging your child.. TV you are my friend!
Then after an hour of this, you will feel more organised & happy & ready to do some outside time or an activity together.
Goodluck! You will be fine 🙂
Just to clear up some confusion – no Jeremy was home but he worked in the basement from 8 till 5 with a lunch break. So I did have Will for all day before…just not 12 hours…and with the ability to chat to an adult when I needed. I am definitely spoiled…no way around that…so I think that it’s not that I have it hard…it’s that I don’t deal with change well. And to me, this is one big change.
And yes, all day I play with Will, cook, clean, get sick, and deal with my jobs…normal SAHM stuff. And of course, I am a drama queen…so that explains a lot 🙂
xo – kb
The blog is about 30 hours a week…what with all the email correspondence, photo editing, etc…and the photography is about ten…so it is a full time job timewise.
xo – kb
Sure – what part of Gwinnett?
xo – kb
I love your ideas!
xo – kb
Lara – This is clearly a place where people are encouraging and if you took the time to read her other posts you would know she just shares her life honestly and that includes ALL of her blessings and the bad times. That’s what makes this blog so great!!
Katie – I think you are doing great. Realizing it’s hard means you’re a good mom!! I commute 1.5 hours to work to and from and it kills me knowing the time I miss with my little one. Sometimes I feel bad when I get home and want to check a blog, watch a TV show, or just take a minute to relax. Being a mom is hard and it is even harder to not feel guilty about finding balance. I’ve cried twice this week because I have not felt like I’m being the best mom I can be. We all go through it. Hang in there, eat some bacon, and remember, God doesn’t give us anymore than he knows we can handle. PS – This post really made me feel better after a rough week!
You’re not failing. Really. But I do understand why you feel that way…trust me. I’m there 95% of the time. I read this blog the other day and it really reminded me to not be so hard on myself. Maybe it will do the same for you, too!
http://powerofmoms.com/2012/04/your-children-want-you/
And thanks for sharing your struggles…it’s why I love your blog!!
I was in a similar situation when my kiddles were small. I hired a 7th grader to come in to play with the kids two days a week after school. Just having a couple of hours to get some tasks done without interruption made such a difference in my mental well-being. A couple times a month I would also hire a sitter for an afternoon. just to have a few hours to myself here and there. it really didn’t cost that much and in the long-run even though it felt like an indulgence – I was so much happier – so everyone else was happier! Try it.
Hang in there Katie! Pregnancy the 2nd time around is so much different from first time. You’re more tired with less time to rest and put your feet up – you have a little one depending on you – and sometimes you’re just so tired! But you’ll make it thru – you will! And you’re NOT failing as a mom. I think we’ve all felt that way at some point – and for me it sometimes feel like half the month! But you’re not and keep telling yourself every day that you are doing the best you can and your little boy is loved and cared for. Also, it’s tough when the hubby has a long commute and you’re left to do most of the parenting yourself all day. I remember waiting on the side porch in that last half hour for my husband to come home because my baby hardly napped and I just couldn’t keep her occupied one more minute – but being outside calmed her down. Those were tough and long days and I’m glad they’re over – I won’t lie! But, you’ll remember the good times later on and it will all be good! God Bless!!!
How long until Will can go to some sort of preschool? I was lucky enough to start both of mine in 2yo programs and get 2 hours twice a week. Even if they’re spent on the internet they’re golden.
From the moment I got pregnant with my second until he started preschool my house was a disaster. And the he started getting interested in TV and now I can get hours of free time by using it.
But that commute just sounds impossible. Can you sell your house, or rent it out and rent somewhere closer? When the baby comes you’ll be a wreck on your own 12+ hours a day.
I’m so glad you got that out. Really. And I’m praying for you, because I know firsthand that those long hours husbands work make for even longer days for mommies. You’re only human, Katie!!
Katie,
As for the above comment, your blog is one of my favorites to read because I can relate to you. It can feel defeating to read blogs where everyone seems perfect and has it together all the time…it’s impossible to live up to. I appreciate your honesty, and from reading the comments, I’m not the only one.
I sometimes feel like my world is falling apart when my husband is gone working for long periods of time and I’m alone with our 3 young kids…I find that it’s such a big crutch for me just knowing he’s HERE, even if he’s not doing anything other than working.
The work and amount of time you spend with your kids doesn’t physically let up or get easier as they get older, but mentally you will go through your ups and downs and you can get yourself back on track. Give yourself a break, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed…in fact, who doesn’t get overwhelmed being pregnant and chasing after a toddler, ha. I try to give each of my kids 20 minutes of focused, dedicated play time a day…not to say I don’t spend any other time with them, but I set aside time to fully engage with them (i.e. not just chasing after them or cleaning while they’re in the same room or trying to have a conversation with them while I’m staring at the computer). Having that connected time assures me that they feel my love, and it really does make me feel like my day had purpose, even if that’s all I accomplish. Sometimes, that is enough.
Change just sucks, and it can take a while to see the good in it, even when you know how blessed you are.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=taDqKWWPDAY&feature=player_embedded
Don’t be so hard on yourself! No one is perfect, we all have good days and we all have bad days. At the end of the day all you have to do is ask yourself these 3 questions:
If my child healthy and cared for?
Is my child happy?
Does my child know he is loved?
If you can answer yes to all of these the… today… you were a success!
Keep your chin up. I am an occasional reader, but I had to reach out to you. You’re doing the best you can. I have so been there. It’s rough. It really is.
Things to keep in mind:
– ease up. On yourself, on Will, on everything.
– lower your expectations. Not joking. Stop looking at Pinterest. I know what you are talking about. Nobody is prefect. Not even pinners. Key things are clean, fed, and mostly happy. If you’re doing this you win.
– your child will not suffer from benign neglect. It’s okay to tell them to “go play” so you can do something. It is not your job to constantly stimulate and entertain them. It is okay to “cage” them, while you have a shower. In a high chair, or a crib, or a playpen, or a room that has been childproofed. Seriously.
– the tv is not the devil. You can always dial it back. It’s a tool. It’s okay to use it.
– ask for help. Family, friends, a sitter, a neighbour. Ask and if they offer graciously accept.
Seriously. Too many expectations. I have three kids and trust me I have been there. It’s really hard. Please, don’t feel like your the only one.
Take care. Hugs to you.
Olivia
Katie, I’m totally saving this post for future reference. One day I’ll have a toddler with another one on the way, and I’ll refer back to this post so I can smile and say, “I’m not alone!” I loved your honesty and really enjoyed reading so many of the comments. I’m savoring the next few years while it’s just hubby & me because I know it’ll be a wild ride as soon as the first baby comes along. 🙂 We love you and please know that we’re all rooting for you! You can do this!
Is Jeremy’s commute a long-term thing, or is there any chance that he can go back to working from home? If it’s long-term, have you thought about moving? I hate to even suggest this since you obviously have a beautiful home and have already put so much into it, but I’m speaking from my own experience… I’m a SAHM to a 14 mo. old and am 27 weeks pregnant. My husband and I recently sold an almost new, beautiful house in the exurbs of northern Virginia and moved to an older, smaller house (albeit in a beautiful neighborhood) much closer to his work. We had overseen the construction of our previous house start to finish then lived there for less than 2 years; people thought we were crazy to sell (and we wound up having a hard time selling because of the location), plus it was a MAJOR upheaval for us to move. Our current house is nice but needs tons of work and will for some time… however, my husband’s commute is now less than 15 minutes with virtually no traffic… bliss for all of us. I know our scenario isn’t realistic for most people, but just thought I’d put it out there.
Thank you for you honesty and sharing this, Katie. I feel like a dope sometimes when I “complain” to my mother in law about how I struggle being a (non-working) SAHM with my 18month old, and two enormously huge Labradors. My husband leaves at 7am and comes home at 6:30p since he had a promotion. He also travels 4 times a month. There are many days when I can’t get a decent dinner on the table and on top of that, I also still nurse my toddler. My older Labrador is on a special diet and requires frequent potty breaks while my other Labrador needs to be leashed EVERY time she goes potty. My MIL laughs at me and tells me how she never complained staying at home with 5 kids, a dog and a military husband. It really hurts me when she says that b/c it makes me feel inadequate and I feel that I’m the only mother that must be overwhelmed. I’m also an hour away from family and relatively new in my town in the Atlanta, GA ‘burbs, so I can’t really reach out to someone to help me out when I’m knee deep in sugar 😉
You are definitely not failing. For goodness sakes, you’re doing wonderfully being a working and pregnant SAHM. And you will adjust in some ways to your husband’s new schedule. I have, but there are days when it still stinks. I’m just glad to know I’m not the only one. Thanks again for sharing. God bless 🙂
Good heavens, that was mean! It’s not whining to need support! Be nice or be gone.
You’re not failing, many of us are right where you are! I have twin boys who just turned a year old and I feel like we are just finding our groove. Sometimes it seems like it’s taken forever to get here! Projects get put on hold and the house usually looks like a bomb went off, but eventually things get done. That was a really hard thing for this Type A girl to come to understand! Not only will you make it through, you’ll do it with flying colors. Just be sure to keep bacon on hand at all times! 😉
Thank you for this! Thank you for your honesty. You are definitely not alone!
Welcome to life as a mother!;) We all have our good days and our bad ones. Once you get into a new routine things will start to look up. It usually takes 4-6 weeks for us to get used to a new routine every time my husband deploys. As a mother we just have to do what we can and know that we can wake up every morning and start over.:)
I kind of know how you feel. I’m so upset tonight so reading this made my night a little bit better. I like knowing that other moms are having similar issues. I have a 1 year old who I have to constantly watch or she will end up in the ER. Seriously she’s crazy. I love her more than anything but we get stuck in the playroom ALL day. I let her walk around the kitchen, she smashes her face off the corner of the cabinets. I take her outside to play but it gets too hot after so long. My husband makes the comment “I just give up, I don’t even care anymore” about cleaning the house because I’m here all day (which isn’t true because I have classes to go to mon-thurs) and he’s working. I get it. Your pissed that you have to work and I get to stay home. Sorry dammit! I have one year to go and then I’ll have my masters and he can stay home with our next baby (that he doesn’t want) and have a jolly old time “sitting around all day doing nothing”. I don’t even know if any of this makes sense but I’m just pissed off. Oh and did I even mention my grandmother? She walks up to my wonderful mother in law (at my daughter’s 1st birthday party) and says “your doing a great job raising her” (she watches the baby while I’m at class). EXCUSE ME?!?!?! I’m so sorry I’m out there trying to make something of myself. Ahhhhhhhh. Thanks for the vent space Katie!
I was home with Ryan for a year before I was like, “Get me the heck outta here”. I teach English to 150 antsy graduating seniors and am still less exhausted than I was chasing around my walking tiny terror all day. Cut yourself some slack! (or at least try – I am wonderful at giving advice, terrible at following it)
Big huge hugs to you! And thank you for your honesty! It was nice to read this and go ‘thank god Im not alone’! Hang in there, things will get easier Im sure!!
haha…I’ll have to tell Jer that I have tight butt syndrome too and see what he does 🙂
xo – kb
Right now it looks permanent. And we discussed the option of moving…but Jer said “This job is not forever but our house is”…which makes sense since one day his job will kind of cease to exist…we are just hoping that in the next year or so he can find the right position at Equifax.
xo – kb
Oh sweet momma…. may it be that you are the only other person in the world who truly understands me right now? I have a just-turned 3 year old, 17 month old, and am 16 weeks pregnant. I feel like I can not keep my head above water in ANY area of my life right now and all I can do is just cry. And everyone else either looks at me like I’m crazy or “understands”… like has been there, but isn’t trudging through the mire at this very moment. I do know it does get better (because I lived through the transition from 1 to 2 but let me tell you it was not always pretty) and know it will get better for me, and for you. And I feel the same way- like I am so, so blessed but am not appreciating, not deserving. And then the mommy guilt comes in and consumes me. Breathe. We can do this… together! I am so glad and grateful that you are brave enough to vent. You are SUCH a good mommy and so talented in so many ways, and it’s so easy to overlook those things about yourself when you are feeling so crappy. We know who you truly are (does that sound creepy?) and most importantly, so does God. He’s not going to give up on us no matter how many times we give up on ourselves. xoxo
I wish I had these problems. Instead I see my son from 6am-9am then work from 10am-5am (3 jobs) because I am fighting with my ex-husband for child support. I barely get to see my son grow up and he calls MY mom “momma”
I understand you are complaining but sometimes you should think before you post.
Katie, my husband travels for work quite a bit so I feel your pain! It’s hard, isn’t it? If you can squeeze it into the budget, can you get a cleaning lady or better yet (I think) a babysitter for a few hours a week? When my second was born, my first had stopped napping so I sent him to the teenage girl next door while the baby slept so I could enjoy my two hours of peace :). You might not have a teenage girl close by, but if you could figure out something, I would not feel guilty AT ALL about doing what you need to do to stay sane. You’ll be a better mom and wife if you aren’t tired and overwhelmed. You do work, probably at least as much as a mom outside the home, between the blog and the photo business, and it is tough to work with a toddler.
And if you need a laugh, you can always go check out $herdog!
Hang in there 🙂
Oh I know it is way more than half full…I think I am just still learning to swallow 🙂 Does that make any sense?
xo – kb
I certainly have a wonderful life – and I don’t mean to take anything away from anyone else – I am just being transparent with how I’m feeling with the transitions. Believe me, I know how blessed I am…I am so sorry to hear that you barely got to see your son grow up – that breaks my heart for you.
xo – kb
This comment totally cracked me up. It sounds like a poster 🙂
xo – kb
Have you ever thought about going back to work a few days and maybe Jeremy ouldnt have to work so much and you could balance eachother out? It would alsogive you a “break” from Will? (This would of course be after baby #2!) You are lucky but eveyrone has these days, everyone has these moments and I know from reading your blog you know how lucky you are- Above comments are from people who dont ‘know’ you (coming from someone who has never met ya.. ut you know what I mean! haha)
I know it hard when you are in “the moment” of frustration.. but remember how many mommas wish they could be with there babies but HAVE to work, if you just take abreath and remember that, maybe you cna get through!!!
Welcome to real life as a mom!! Sounds like we have a whole community here that knows exactly what we are all going through. I have two == a 3yr old & 1 yr old. It gets better in the way that you find a new ‘routine’. You will too one of these days. There are good & bad days like with everything else. Hang in there!
Well, I do work. I make almost as much doing the blog and photography as I did with my old job so I don’t know that it would necessarily help, ya know? And Jer’s job is a full-time position meaning that it’s better for him to have a job to provide than no job at all. I definitely think this was just one of those days.
xo – kb
Dont worry about the blog being perfect! We all love you, and appreciate everything you post. The photos dont have to be edited perfectly, not every word has to be spelt correctly… Its your honesty and humour we all love, not your perfectly edited photos. Your flaws are what we love, they make you, YOU. They make your blog stand out among all the others… Especailly the ones with perfect babies, perfect houses, perfect hair!
girl – I dream of sipping cocktails and traveling too 🙂
xo – kb
Easier than working 40 hours THEN coming home to do momm duty!
Its all about perspective!!!
It’s Katies blog, she’s allowed to post whatever she wants, including her honest feelings. There will always be people better off or worse off than you, but we all have the right to be overwhelmed and complain!
O.M.G. Katie. I loved this post so much. I am saving it so that I can re-read it. Seriously. The part about fashioning him a diaper out of napkins? I die. SO funny. I know that you are being serious and it is so hard, but Dear Lord, you are making me laugh while you do it. I will be praying for you and keep your head up. We love you.
Your fine, we have all been there at some point. And it does get easier in some ways and harder in other ways. I found the best time was when he started school till grade 3. then at the beginning of grade 4 attitude starts by grade 6 time the attitude by 10, with hormones, moodiness…etc etc.
What you need is a girls night out. Make it either a weekly or bi weekly thing, even once a month. With a girl friend, not your husband, go out, have dinner, or go to a movie, join a book club, or just go out for coffee.
Also see if there is a preschool program around. It is usually 2 or 3 times a week in the mornings. You get a couple of mornings for your self and Will gets to go meet new friends and learn new things. Just a few ideas that saved my live and sanity.
oh ya and my husband works 10 to 12 hours every day in the summer, landscaping. and makes snow at the ski hill at night in the winter. So it is up to me to get my kid to hockey, soccer, etc.
I hear ya and I lived it. My kids are older (middle school & high school) now, and I’m still living it. It’s 10 pm and hopefully my hubby makes it home soon LOL He’s a work-a-holic and I knew it from the get go. And still love him now as much as ever :^) But, when the kids came, I thought I’d loose it at times. My saving grace while the kids were little was Mother’s Day Out at one of the local churches (even places like the Y have them now). Two-three days a week for four to five hours. Just enough time to recharge, do what I couldn’t do with the kids, and take them home to nap ;^) A lot of places start at your son’s age (my oldest did). Another thing to think about is hiring a teen this summer to be a “mother’s helper”. Hope you find your answers soon!
Chin up! You can do it!
Being a mom is hard work; anyone who says otherwise is selling you something! Sometimes people act like being a mom is all kisses and hugs and story time at the library. People don’t tell you that sometimes at the end of the day, you just want five blessed minutes of absolute quiet and no one to touch you. And a long, hot shower — plus some chocolate and if you’re of the sort, a stiff drink.
And being isolated is hard especially when you’re used to having the love of your life around more.
I have seven children and it is hard work. And do not for a moment think to yourself that if I can handle seven and you are currently struggling with one, that you are reduced. I struggled with one, and I’ve simply built up a tolerance! And that’s what you’re doing right now is building up a tolerance — for boys who jump and make messes and whatnot.
And relax about feeding people. Sometimes fed is fed is fed. They had chocolate cake for breakfast? Eh, today that’s okay. They had tomatoes and hummus and tortillas for dinner? Eh, today that’s okay. The little boy ate a lump of dirt? Today that’s okay. Go for the little victories.
And good husbands and boyfriends manage during pregnancy. They know that you’re not you. Not really. The good ones can suck it up and take it because they know that they get to hold the baby at the end, too.
Relax, get as much sleep as you can, chin up amidst the chaos. This too shall pass.
p.s. Just think that if you have a boy, Will and his new baby brother will wrestle all the time. At least my sons do.
This is why I read your blog. Honesty. You’re such a talented writer. And it’s how I feel most of the time too. Hang in there! 🙂
I think sometimes it makes other people feel better to belittle someone else’s problems. The fact that your problems are different than Katie’s doesn’t negate her feelings. We should all support each other instead of pointing fingers and deciding whose problems are worse. It’s obvious how thankful she is for her blessings but that doesn’t mean everything is perfect, next time instead of trying of make her feel worse maybe you just shouldn’t say anything at all. Katie, you’re doing better than you give yourself credit for. You love your son, and when he grows up he’s not going to remember the mess in the bathroom or the timeouts in the corner. He’s going to remember a mom who loved him and all the little things you did that made his days special. Cut yourself some slack and keep your chin up!
Oh Katie, I love you, I really do. I love how transparent you are. I am a new mom, and it is not easy to juggle being a mom and a wife and try to play and entertain your baby all day and have dinner ready when your husband gets home and the house clean and spend time with the hubby after our baby goes to sleep when all I want to do is SLEEP or relax. . I wish I could just hang out with you and we could sit and relax and cry and help each other get through the hard task of being a mom. Hang in there and know I am right there with you!!!
Oh, Katie. This is why I love your blog. Your honesty it so comforting. This post makes me feel a little better about losing my temper with my two-year-old thirty times today. That it is totally, absolutely normal. (And I have no doubt that my Mom- my beautiful, loving, patient Mom- lost her temper as much with my brothers and me.) And yet our boats are so different. My husband is coming home in two weeks after a year-long tour in Afghanistan and in addition to my patience-testing two-year-old, I have an 11-month-old too. But I know Army wives who have three or four kids, or who have had their babies while their husbands were deployed (mine, thankfully, was still home). So even on terribly long days, when I should give myself a pat on the back for making it through the day, I still feel like I should have been better. That is love, non? Love for our children, at least, but not for ourselves exactly. This blog post reminded me to cut myself some slack. That this is only temporary. We will not feel this way forever. Our babies’ butts will not smell this way forever. Tomorrow will be better, even if just a tiny bit. I hope you cut yourself some slack too. What you are doing is so hard. And I have no doubt that you are handling it more gracefully that you think.
Really?
Why would you say that to someone. You don’t know her personal feelings. Not to mention, here’s a news flash-this blog is about HER life/home/family so she can say whatever she wants. YOU don’t have to read if you don’t want to.
Something that has helped me get through really tough days- I make a list in my head of all of the things I HAVE to do. And invariably, there are only three things: feed my children and myself, wipe our butts, and keep my girls as happy as reasonably possible. And if those are the only three things I can do that day, then it will have been a good day.
thats great throwing his co. name out there I’m sure in hopes that one reader who happens to work at Equifax or knows someone there and can possible throw your hubby a life line and ger him a job back working at home….why dont he quit his job like your BFF’s, The Peterskins from younghouselove and get paid to remodel your home full-time? I think enoughnof uour pity party….GET OFF PINTEREST, BLOGS and so many other time stealers and start a cleaning weekly chart – follow it., cook meal batches on Sat. for the upcoming week etc. it’s called time management – google it! Crying about it wont make a difference and get out of tjis rut ASAP…a newborn aint gonna make it better…before long this ” keeping it real” story will become your new normal if you dont get it together!!
You know, my dad is a crack addict who enjoys being arrested in his spare time. My mom is a drunk. My brother is mentally unstable and burned down my childhood home. I live in a developing country. Is that enough reality? I can add to that list.
And yet
If I blogged on my down days,
I would expect people NOT to assume I didn’t know I lead a privileged life.
1) Cut yourself a little slack – being pregnant the first time was a complete different situation. Stop beating yourself up. When achieving, competent women are unable to live up to self imposed high standards, they freak. Ask me how I know ;). Oh, and pregnancy hormones – that’ll do ya!
2) Just until you get your feet under you, OUTSOURCE.
For the blog – maybe a virtual assisstant? (I know I Heart Organizing does it)
For the house, get some cleaning service to come in 3 times a week just for 2 weeks, then 2X a week, then 1X a week – they can do a lot of the heavy cleaning – the black inside the tub! I had to laugh! Totally been there! Bite the bullet – spend the $$$ – it is just a temporary situation.
For meals – Stouffers? or ask your mom to make you some freezer dinners? or your MIL? Laundry – in Calif. I paid $1.75 to have my husbands shirts washed and pressed – do just J’s and then you will have that one chore off your list.
Find yourself another mom to trade babysitting with, to run errands with – one of you stays in the car to read to the kids while the other goes in to do the errands, or hire a teeen ager to babysit 2 hours a day – maybe when you want to make dinner – to take the baby out for a walk, to watch him on his trike? Ask your sister to help – she could have her son play with him? As a pregnant woman – you are entitled to nap . .. .
3)One, you are a full time Mom., you have 2 children (albeit, one in utero) to take complete and total care of. Two, you have your blog which is a 3/4 time job, and then also the photography business – that’s another business. It has been proven that people who work from home typically do more work than those who work in an office. And then the wife thing – being loving and supportive, and creative and responsive – it takes energy. And then you do have that house to keep a little dust free – baby, you have A LOT going on. Do you have a friend, a cousin, someone to come and help you out? I went to a friends house just to help her out with her dishes one day – she was just having a hard time with coping with something and that one little chore helped. In France I was an Au Pair – a nanny type – I made a minimum wage and was to help only with the kids – there has to be someone somewhere who could help you – ask your family, your church, your MOMS Club . . .
4)My new mantra “Done is better than perfect” Take a little vacation from something right now – maybe your photo business could take fewer clients? Deliver the pictures in a longer time span?
5)Finally – it does get better – right now you are pregnant, with a toddler – this will change – just take care of the here and now – slepp, eat, pray and play with your little one.
Youv’e shown that you know when you are overwhelmed, but that is all it is – you are not failing.
God bless you and yours and remember to ask Him to help you make all your decisions – dishes first or phone calls or laundry? He will help you and guide you in all the ways you need to go, just ask.
Good luck!
Can I just tell you how refreshing it feels to hear another woman say that! I’m currently switching careers so I’m going to school full-time and working full-time. I barely have enough time to study, much less be a good partner to my guy. I’m so envious of other peoples’ lives right now and I fell like a complete failure 90% of the time. For some reason, you’re post just hit me today and I feel such a kindred spirit with you.
This is what I want you to know: 1) You are not a failure. Pintrest perfection is unattainable. You are perfect just the way you are! 2) Making time to love on your man is a very necessary part of the relationship; perfect dinners are not. 🙂 3) This, too, shall pass. We just have to get through it. 4) I love your blog, 3 posts everyday or not.
Hang in there. I’m rooting for you!
This post screams: I NEED GIRL TIME. You need to pack Will up, head over to a girlfriend’s house and vent while the kids wreck the house and have a ball. Why is this necessary? For several reasons…
(1) you need to see other people’s houses and know: your house is completely normal
(2) you need some encouragement from someone going through the same thing
(3) you need to get out of your house
breathe! you’re fine!
Thank you for saying all this. Your honesty is refreshing. Trust me, you are not the only one who does not particularly “like” your demanding toddler. The terrible twos are terrible for a reason. Chin up my dear and thank goodness for pregnancy hormones, they may be making you weepy and crazy but they are also you helping you appreciate your boy friend’s kissable face.
Don’t let anyone make you feel like this is a pity party. Working all day outside the home is a challenge and working all day inside the home and still parenting your child 24/7 is also a challenge. More kissing and less cleaning. That should help.
You are not failing, although it feels like it. I was in a similar position when I was pregnant with my second child (18 month old at home and a husband who fell asleep anytime he stopped moving due to sleep apnea). He is now 6 months old and things are coming together (finally). Please don’t be too hard on yourself. If you don’t already, check out Mama Monk’s blog. She has a recent post you need to read. I’ll link it below. If i lived closer I’d offer to help, but alas. Hang in there girl.
http://mamamonk.com/2012/04/19/a-mother-letter-for-the-mamas/
Amen Katie! Just because others have it worse doesn’t mean we don’t all face our own struggles. And just because we voice our frustrations doesn’t mean we’re not grateful for all that God has given us.
Definitely look for an older kid to help. When I was 10 y/o my neighbor “hired” me to babysit/play with her 2 y/o. We played in their playroom while the mom did laundry or whatever needed to be done around the house. She paid me in pretty pencils, notebooks & folders. Don’t know if you can get away with that with kids these days, but worth looking into for a kid that wants to build a babysitting resume. 🙂
this is the best response katie!! i hope u feel better soon..i felt terrible like dat tooo…but its all good now…thank god!!
Ohhh! I’m in that boat with you. I don’t attend school, but I do work full time while my husband works full time and finishes law school. My mom watches my twin boys M-F 8-5 and I want to punch my MIL everytime she tells my mom that she’s raising my boys. It’s only temporary, and they know perfectly well who their mother is! It’s so hurtful.
Thank you for sharing this link. I know it was intended for Katie – but it made me feel better too!
It’s really, really hard, no question about that. I was having panic attacks while pregnant with my second because I couldn’t imagine being able to deal with my toddler AND an infant. I almost asked my inlaws if I could go live with them on their farm so that I’d have some help. But, we’re 4 months in, and I’m actually handling it. First of all, my toddler went from she-devil to helpful (yes, really) immediately after the baby was born. It was amazing. I don’t know what happened, but for the first time in her little life, when mommy said, “baby, you gotta give me a break because I will lose my mind if you don’t” she seemed to finally get it. “I’m sorry, but there is no way I can do that for you. I simply don’t have enough hands” is something I say often now and she gets it even though she’s only 2 1/2. I strongly recommend the book Siblings Without Rivalry. I think it is really helping me know how to parent two kids and has helped with keeping my oldest from becoming jealous or resentful of the baby. Also, being highly organized helps. As well as having activities planned for every morning of the week. Come hell or high water, we get out of the house and wear ourselves out before lunch. Period. And the rest of the day is better for it. And lastly, know that even though it seems like it will be so much harder when the baby is born, I promise it’s easier than trying to parent a toddler while pregnant. People underestimate how hard being pregnant is. And last time, you only had yourself to care for. Now you’re chasing a toddler who isn’t going to cut you any slack. It’s really tough. But you will make it through and it will be such a relief once that baby is on the outside of you, I promise.
Good luck to you! You are not failing. You are surviving!
Hiya! It’s almost 3am Georgia time right now – so I hope you’re asleep! I know it seems counter-productive, but I really sincerely think you might feel better if you slept a little longer at night. I know you have a lot to do that requires you to be up late, but since you can’t control what time you get up with super-cutie-Will, maybe there are some not-so-urgent things you can put off until the weekend? That way if you’re staying until until 2am Saturday, at least Jeremy is there to let you sleep in a little the next morning. The tone and productivity of your whole day might change if you weren’t so tired. Of course it’s easier said that done, but it’s worth a try. Plus, you’re growing a human – your body needs a little extra rest!
And my mantra is “if He puts me to it, He’ll put me through it”.
Hopefully you feel like a great mama in the morning because today just sucked – everyone needs somewhere to vent and it’s nice you feel comfortable and real enough to do it here.
Best,
Ammie
Ahh, you will never get to read this at number five hundred and something,
BUT if you do- here ya go:
Hubby needs to change jobs, plain and simple. You can’t do it all by yourself!
Meanwhile, get the Willster to nursery school. two or three days a week, a few hours a day-your sanity depends on it!
Use the crockpot as much as possible.
Learn to meditate. Do some prenatal yoga.
Do a spreadsheet of one day hour by hour. Tell me all you need to get done and I’ll do one for you 🙂 Seriously! I’m way crazy organized like that. It makes my life enjoyable when I order my day/week/month.
Hire a local teen to help entertain Will a few afternoons a week. The $$$ is not an issue verses your ability to think straight. I did this when my twins were two-it was so worth it. Priceless even.
When your kids are young you think they will NEVER grow up.
Then one day you are making tee shirt quilts for them to take to college…sorry to say it doesn’t ever get easier, but it does get better.
Namaste. :))
No worries! Most of us go thru this. You were just brave enough to admit it. Im going thru something similar here and I don’t have pregnancy hormones surging!
She doesn’t need to edit her feelings or what she wants to say. Its her blog!
You’re not failing! You are human.
I’ve been a happy reader of your blog for quite some time now, but this post brings me out of lurkerdom. I am not married and I don’t have kids, so I don’t really have any valuable advice for you. I used to be the head writer of a pregnancy/baby related website for years, and I talked to a lot of parents. Many mothers feel overwhelmed being pregnant with another child to care for AND all the other bits in their life demanding attention. You are not a bad person for feeling like you do!
I remember more than one person telling me something like “They tell you about how cute babies are, but no one tells you that at some point you just want to staple them to the wall, close the door and sit down with a cup of coffee”. Actually that might have been my mother … never mind. 🙂
So I guess what I am saying is: You are not failing at all! You are great. Cut yourself some slack, please.
And that last bit about your husband? Made me snort out my breakfast tea all over my laptop (it’s stilly early-ish here in Germany). 😀
Oh sweet friend, I am so sorry you are struggling. I hear the desperation and feeling of hopelessness in your voice (writing). And I’m sorry. It must feel lonely and exhausting. I can’t imagine.
But know it’s just a season. It won’t always be like this. Not promising it will be easier in the next season but it for sure won’t stay the exact same. So walk through this time as best you can because it’s the only chance your going to have at these exact circumstances… being pregnant with this sweet baby, precious time with Will – this is probably the only time in your lives you will have this much one on one time with him, and so many other things.
Hang in there. You guys will make it. It’s just a season and the Lord never wastes hardships and struggles. He loves us too much to not use them for our good and His purpose.
“I will go before you and will level the mountains. I will break down the gates of iron. I will give you hidden treasures, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel who summons you by name.” Isaiah 45:2-3
I’m pregnant for the third time and was working nights as a nurse and girl, I was just going through the EXACT same situation. My husbands a farmer. Gone from 430-7 most days. I might see him for breakfast for a half hour, but that is it…Leaving me responsible for two kids, and all that housework. I prayed and prayed, because I couldn’t handle it. I’d fly off the handle over nothing, because it’s so stressful. I know what you’re going through. You’re on my prayer list, because without God you know nothing is possible! It’s the weekend. Please enjoy it!!!! And prayers for a smoother Monday!
I don’t have any sage advice to offer since I am certainly not a parent, but I think insome way we have all felt how you are feeling at some point. I so admire you’re ability to not only admit how you’re feeling, but to si honestly put it in your blog for everyone to read. I think it’s great that you are so honest. It makes you real… And it probably keeps you sane. I know I’ve said it to you before, but reading about the “realmess” of your mommyhood has helped me be less afraid of becoming a mom myself. It sounds like other people are also helped and comforted by your honesty.
As for those few who seem to feel that this space is meant only for happy thoughts and pretty rainbows… That’s the nice thing about having your own blog. You get to decide what can be posted 🙂 We all have blessings, even those of us in the most dire situations. Most of the time it IS better to focus on the good to make it through the bad. But sometimes, in order to stay sane, we have to say, “This sucks!” and that’s all ur doing.
Melissa, it pains me to hear about your situation but that doesnt make Katies situation any less traumatic. It isnt fair to compare the two, and basically you cant compare pain.
Katie, I praise you for telling it as it is. It´s wonderful and glorious to be a mom, the best thing there is in my opinion, but we all have the right to feel overwhelmed.
Making big changes is also difficult, and going from having your husband at home to almost almost barely seeing him is hard – really hard!
It will get better, you will feel better, it does get easier 🙂 You are still in your first trimester (I think so) and everything seems hopeless at that time – you dont feel like yourself and you are tired all the time – so just wait summer is around the corner and everything will get easier.
Giant hug to you darling 🙂
p.s. how can you be failing when you manage to cheer all your readers up on almost daily basis, and you have a happy little boy who adores you!
First off don’t be so hard on yourself!!! You aren’t a super hero and can’t to everything perfectly.
Do you belong any mom’s groups? I would go insane w/out MOPS, a weekly excercise class at a local church, and scheduled playdates. So the stuff around the house doesn’t always get done but I’m more refreshed and tolerant and Rory acts better because she isn’t just looking at me all day everyday.
Hang in there!
It sounds like a really tough transition for you. It will get easier. My hubby works in the mines and until our daughter was 5 we lived in the town he worked and he was gone 14 hrs a day but now we live in the city and he still works there so he is away for five days at a time. I guess because I was already used to it before our daughter came along it never bothered me but I can see how much harder it would be for you with it happening now. I think it will get easier for you as time goes by. Maybe you could (if you don’t already) go to playgroups and other things like that to fill up some of the day and even go for coffee with someone after the activity is over. Even start a routine that after breakfast you have your shower and will can hop in with you or just play with some toys in the bathroom while you shower, that way you will feel more human to start your day.
You are not failing you are just making a transition
What you need to do is have a plan. Not a big plan but just a plan. First make a couple of priorities for the day…maybe dinner at 7. Then whenever you can, do something towards that goal. You can put the dinner dishes out right after lunch. Have Will help put the silverware on the table. Let Will wash the lettuce while you cut up the vegetables for the salad sometime in the morning. When he stops, you stop. So what if the salad isn’t a masterpiece just add croutons before you serve. Put water in a pan and set on the stove to cook pasta later, etc. Just take the time over the course of the day to get everything ready. If the grocery store is your goal, then get a rotiserrie chicken for dinner that night and some fresh berries that Will can just wash and put in a bowl. Maybe your next goal is to wash a load of clothes. Just put them in the washer in the morning and have Will help you move them to the dryer some time during the day. Break every job into small ones. Challenge yourself to dust a room while he dusts a table. If neither one of you finishes it’s no big deal! Eventually you will be able to do more but sometimes you may actually do less! Take Will for a walk when he is being difficult (repeat: the outside is my friend) and challenge yourself to live in the moment like he does. Eat lunch somewhere outside once a week even if it is on the front porch. Don’t think about what awaits inside and enjoy the fresh air. You will both feel renewed!
I don’t know why I’m always surprised to read unhelpful comments like “stop whining” and “I have it worse than you do,” and yet they always shock me when I read them! Katie, I think you do an inspiring job of being authentic and telling the truth on this blog. I can’t imagine how exhausting it is to be a mother and pregnant and being a present partner and working. I read this line a week ago from Anne Lamott – “most days mothers are operating from a place of absolute starvation”. Of course you’re going to be feeling completely maxed out!
And as a side note to un-compassionate commentors – each individual’s suffering is true for them. Acknowledging the immense suffering in the world opens our hearts to others, and yet it doesn’t make our own struggle feel less painful. KB, I don’t think you need to explain yourself at all to them, since you do a beautiful job of explaining yourself already. I support you in just replying with “suck it” when someone invalidates you.
Melissa,
This is Katies blog. She shares about her life and her experiences. It is her right to share her feelings and just because your situation is different from hers it gives you no right to judge if her stress and pain is any less valild then your own. She is a mother just like you. I am sorry for your struggles.
I am a SAHM to a toddler who works when my hubby is home, and I feel for both of you.
This post pulled me from my blog stalker status and has made me comment! You are not failing, you are surviving! You are do a great job, toddler years are tough especially when you are pregnant. It was all I could do to make it out alive and with children who are (semi) well adjusted! I love your blog even more for this post. You have said what most people (at least myself) have been thinking. It gets better, I promise. Until then channel your Destiny’s Child and keep on surviving!
Katie, all of us moms feel your pain. It’s just plain hard sometimes. I agree with the other commenters… get a sitter for a couple of hours every now and then. It’s good for Will, too. Also, in the coming months when he’s ready, check out the preschools in your area. When mine were little, we sent our kids to church preschools, starting with just a couple of mornings a week. It’s a loving atmosphere and they LOVED seeing their little friends.
Please make a little time for yourself. If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. Hang in there!
(And a little Blue’s Clues on Nick Jr. every once in a while just may save your sanity… Just sayin’. )
Katie,
The first trimester can be really hard. I remember being so tired – especially when I had boy #1 to keep up with while pregnant with boy #2. Mothering is a really isolating thing these days, and it can be really helpful to find some local folks to hang out with – even if they’re not a perfect fit; community is so important. It may not get the dishes done or supper made, but having another adult to talk to at least a little during the day can really change your perspective on things. Don’t forget to ask for help from your family too. The slime on the bathroom will wait, and maybe you’ll get a second wind and lots of nesting energy with your second trimester.
I so agree with what you’ve said!! No clue about the reality – just the continuous fantasy, the ‘romance’ of motherhood . . . .like the ‘romance’ of breast feeding! I have said to friends – “I’m a great wife, it’is just the HOUSE wife part – all the cleaning and shopping, cooking, that make it hard.”
I’m off to rumage in the fridge for my go-to-guy, Farmer John . . .
Katie,
As you now know from all the comments you’ve gotten, you’re certainly not alone. This is the stuff no one tells you about before you have kids. And you really wouldn’t understand it anyway until you do have kids. My “babies” are now 11, 8 and 3 and I still have days like this. One thing that helps me is to just try to be in the moment with my child instead of thinking about or dreaming of an escape route (pinterest, a tv show, etc.) or the 17 zillion things I need to get done. Some days I just need to aim for the minimum which is everyone is dressed, somewhat clean, fed, and has had some mommy time. The messy house and mountain of laundry still stresses me out but I just need to constantly remind myself that this is my life right now and how truly blessed I am to be home with my 3 beautiful healthy kids. It’s such a tough balance to keep. Take lots of deep breaths and ask God for lots of help. And get more sleep! It’s amazing what a better mom I am when I’ve had a good night’s sleep. And as a night owl that too is a struggle. I mean night time is all mine – the kids are asleep and it’s my time, but I pay the price the next day! One big thing that you’re so fortunate for is having an understanding husband. You’re in this together and he knows that.
You’re going to be just fine.
Hey, here’s an idea. I see a lot of people suggesting that you move but what about Jeremy looking for a different job closer to home? It seems it might be easier to do that than to sell your dream home. I know changing jobs in this economy is not easy but it IS possible. I don’t know the specifics of your situation but it might be worth looking into!
Hi Katie! First of all thank you for your honesty and sincerity in this post. While I can’t fully relate to you since I’m only pregnant with my first, I totally believe that change takes time to get used to. They recently changed my husband’s hours too from working in the evening and not seeing him all day to him working overnights and seeing him for dinner. While the new hours are great, its still hard getting used to them, plus the pregnancy makes us tired and not wanting to do anything. I don’t judge or blame you, or think that you are failing at all. Just give it some time and take it one day at a time. I’m sure it’ll get easier, keep your chin up!!
Im sure I won’t say anything that hasn’t already been said, but who has time to read 600 comments? 😉
I have an 18 month old and am 24 weeks pregnant, and holy moly is it hard. I haven’t decided if it’s a harder pregnancy or just that it’s harder to be home while pregnant than to work while pregnant. For me, I’m inclined to think its the former. Those first few months my house looked like something off hoarders. We ate crap. I cried a lot about how I couldn’t get anything done and I was failing as a stay-at-home mom. Then I realized this:
My job is to be MOM. To care for my child. If I manage to cook or clean or write birthday cards in the midst of it, bonus points.
Around the same time, hubs and I implemented three family schedule changes:
1. Saturday is family fun day. No scheduling anything other than being a family, preferably away from the house so I can’t stress about laundry or vacuuming.
2. Date night at least every other week. My mom calls like clockwork on Thursday afternoon and just asks “Friday or Saturday?” and then we go. Baby girl gets special grandparent time, we get off time, and we’re all better for it.
3. I started thinking of being a stay-at-home mom as a job and relegated that wirk to weekdays I don’t do housework on weekends. I make a list on Monday morning (just like I did when working) and try to make realistic housework goals for the week. (honestly, I’ve never finished the list, but that’s okay). I meal plan and always buy two or three frozen pizzas, lasagnes,etc for days when I just don’t get to make dinner.
Hang in there, mama. This too is a season. I know it’s a season filled with days that can end in the ugly cry, but it will pass.
Late night grocery shopping is the best! It’s nice and quiet, and you get the amusement of watching the stoners wander around with a serious case of the munchies. It’ll cheer you right up!
Katie, I completely understand this post!! All winter I felt that way! I have a couple great friends who walked thru it with me even though there wasn’t much they could do to help. They just prayed for me and with me like crazy. They also gave me a safe place to say the ugliest things I felt.
Jesus is your companion in suffering. I pray you will feel His abiding with you thru this.
I like these ideas too! I was just thinking wouldn’t it be great if you could reschedule a bit to adjust to the new work hours? Like going to bed and waking up with Jeremy…or maybe because you are going to bed earlier, try to get up just an hour earlier to get a jump start on the day. That could be when you blog or when you prep for everything that you want to get accomplished during the day.
Another thought, take 15 minutes each night before bed and run (i mean run) around the house quickly picking up things and straightening them. Maybe while you do this, Jeremy would be willing to clean up the kitchen. I know, that when I wake up in the morning to a straightened up house and a clean kitchen, the day just starts of really well.
Take some time and think about how you can readjust your schedule. I know its stressful now and change stinks (to high heaven!) but you will get the hang of it…I know you will.
P.S. Ignore all of the people who keep coming down on you for your post. I think it is great that you have a place to vent and you shouldn’t have to apologize for how you feel. It’s ok to not be put together 100% of the time!
Katie, you are not failing. You are doing the best you can..no one warned us ahead of time how hard it can be sometimes to be a mom. Just look at Will’s beautiful face and smile, and know that you are doing a fantastic job. Things will get better. (Do you have a friend with a young child that you could share play dates with?)
Katie, find comfort in the knowledge that all of us with little ones at home have felt the way you do at one time or another. It’s normal! Not every day is going to be the best day and us moms have to stop putting so much pressure on ourselves to not only do it all, but do it all perfectly. You are obviously grateful for the many blessings that you do have in your life. Here’s a gentle reminder about another one that may help put things in perspective: your health. A few years ago when my daughters were just two years old and five weeks old, I was diagnosed with cancer. The following two years were a terrifying uphill physical and emotional battle. Every day I worried if I was going to make it through and be around to see my daughters grow up. Now that I am well again and back into mommy mode, I have struggles just like you and most moms out there. But no matter what the day brings, good or bad, I remind myself that at least I’m here to experience it.
Hang in there, sweetie! You’ve heard it a million times and will probably hear it a million more, but you WILL get used to it. You will find your new groove. The best thing for me is a routine. Set times that I try my best to obey every day. Oddly enough, it makes it easier to accept when the routine is off a little bit. You’re definitely not failing – EVERY mother feels this way. God bless you for the courage to verbalize your feelings. Most of us hold them in thinking it will make us look weak or we feel guilty for feeling this way about our sweet little boogers. Stick with it!!!
This isn’t a competition about who has it worst, and Katie wasn’t complaining. She was admitting that she feels like a failure. I had cancer when my first child was just a baby, and I literally could not mother him for about 6 months. That sucked pretty badly, and I was not one of those heroic cancer patients who just rose above it all. I was up and down and all over the place, but I never wanted to win a competition on whose lot in life was the worst. I let other people have their bad days, too, even though I surely would have changed places with any of them during that time. Sometimes my friends would catch themselves venting and say that they know they should just be happy to have their health. I always answered “you are allowed to want more for your life than simply not being dead.” Those are the relationships that sustained me in so many ways. Five years later, by the grace of God I am healthy. I now have two children and still rely on those same friends for support when I am having a bad day. And, yes, sometimes being home all day with two young kids feels like a very bad day. I truly hope that you are able to see the commonality amongst us before bitterness and resentment kill your spirit. You have so much on your shoulders right now, and it isn’t fair what is happening to you, but resenting everyone who appears to have it better/easier will only make your own situation worse.
Seriously, where do these people come from? Katie – I hope you don’t let a couple of nasty jerks stop you from writing honest posts in the future. It was clear in your post that you were not complaining and that you are fully aware of how many blessings you have. I am so tired of judgmental and mean spirited people, but alas I suppose they will always be amongst us. Thank you for being brave enough to admit so publically what many, many mothers feel sometimes. And Lara – good Lord, let go of the anger and judgment. It’s pretty ugly.
I don’t mean to be forward in asking this, but have you got checked out for post natal depression from when you had will? My mum had it really bad, and her mood was very up and down and she always thought she was failing even though my mum was amazing, she worked hard provided for us with love, food, etc
I think sometimes depression of some sort can block out the good things in ur life, chin up because you have wonderful things coming your way 🙂 xx
I understand that some people have it worse and would LOVE to be in the position that Katie is in. I get that. But please, Katie, keep on keeping it real. If you always kept everything positive and cheery, your blog would be boring, and a lot less relatable. Stay real.
My husband is gone alllll the time for tour (singer of a band) so when I feel overwhelmed about cleaning I have our son “help” me. He has his own broom, mop, vaccum, and spray bottle (filled with water) and I assign him things to clean while I do the actual cleaning! That helped me A TON when I was starting to feel overwhelmed. Just think if you have something you need to do (cooking, cleaning, blogging, etc) try and involve him! Or time it with his snack time. Another something that helps is prepare large meals and freeze them! That way Jer can pop it in the microwave when he gets home! When I am trying to cook I put music on and ask him to dance for me or sing songs. I feel like that helps keep him entertained! You will find what works for you. Just remember a schedule is your best friend for life! Our little girl is on the way and I plan on trying to sleep train her naps around our son’s so they will both be asleep at the same time.
Is your mom or sister able to watch him a few hours a week? That also helps me. I have my mom watch him for four hours so I can do a major grocery shop/clean the fridge etc. It took me 4 months to establish our routine so it does take time. Just slap yourself in the face (not too hard pretty mama) and say “I CAN DO THIS!!!!”
xoxo Melissa 🙂
Melissa,
I am very sorry for your situation. Our hearts break for you and your child. But lashing out at someone who is only trying to vent about something that is breaking their hearts at the moment is completely insensitive. You have the option to stop reading something that hurts your feelings, but purposely commenting on someone’s blog post in way that makes them feel like crap about expressing how they feel is just wrong. YOU should think before you post.
God bless you. I hope things work out with the child support.
Katie,
Chin up. You’re doing a great job. Take things one moment at a time and remember that things don’t have to be perfect. Most of all, enjoy your son and your husband. They will make it through with you!
katie,
i feel your pain. I have a much similar situation. If you want to hear more, please email me (or call me if it’s not too stalkerish). I will def be praying for you. IT WILL GET BETTER, I PROMISE. it’s only a season. ya know, even if you have to for a couple sundays, skip church and have jer take will with him so you can sleep/shop/clean/pinterest.
love,
liz (worst mom of the year too)
that was mean melissa… she goes to us for support. boo.
Hi Katie:)
I can relate. My husband is a firefighter and is gone for 24 to 72 hours at a time, and when he comes home, he is exhausted. In addition his primary job, he is an instructor in the fire science program at the local college. It makes for a lonely mommyhood with my 3-year-old daughter, for sure. He works hard so I can be at home, raising our girl.
One thing a great friend of mine told me is this, “I am a stay-at-home mom, not a maid and not a cook.” I took this advice. If those two things fall by the wayside – cleaning and cooking – my primary job is the raising of my daughter, Hope. Sometimes things get chaotic and sometimes I’m a rock star. There is no consistency.
I will tell you a local version of MOPS did help me. It was amazing. One day a week, I take Hope, she gets to play with others her age, I get to worship God, hang out with some sisters in Christ, and munch. Very cool break!
Another thing that has helped me, which I see you’re not asking for advice, yet I’m freely giving it, is keeping a kind of schedule. Not anything formal, but a loose to-do list, and marking days of the week in which I will do these things. Along with a menu board, it truly helps my sanity. Monday, we are going to Disneyland. Tuesday, we are going to create fairy gardens, two loads of laundry, ironing, and a crock pot dinner. Wednesday, dentist appointment, grocery shopping, chicken and spaghetti squash, Thursday SMILES (our version of MOPS), date night with my husband, and you get the idea. I don’t make my lists big, but I do start with a priority list (sticky floors, out of milk), then schedule it in like an appointment. Listen, I am not saying this is how you should live your life, but it has saved my mind, and my sleep because I am able to rest, knowing I have an appointment to do those things.
If I sound like I’m Martha Stewart sitting here talking down to you, I am surely not. My desk has papers piled high. My laundry room is a hot mess, and my master closet has seen better days. But, Hope is dressed as a princess, “reading” a book, and says she wants to be a mommy like me one day. I will take it, please and thank you!
You are so not failing! Being a mom is hard, and being a mom without a husband at home as much is harder. My husband travels a lot for work and it is tough. I also completely struggle with the inadequacy feeling after reading blogs and pinterest, but I always just try and remember God is on my side and I can’t do everything. It will get easier once you get more used to it. Don’t beat yourself up you are awesome.
I am so sorry for your situation, Katie. And I’m sorry that you had to read Melissa’s post above. She’s entitled to her feelings, but wow. That was thoughtless and kind of cruel, to be honest. There is always going to be someone who has it worse than you, just like there’s always going to be someone who has it better. Your pain is your pain, and it doesn’t have to be less or more than anyone else’s to be valid and real.
I’m grateful for the support you have on your blog. I read a lot and don’t comment that often — but I’m grateful for your transparency, and I know so many others are, too. You’re not alone. I know that doesn’t make it easier, but I hope it helps you breathe a little bit in the toughest of times.
I don’t have kids, but to be honest? Everything you wrote in this post is why I don’t know that I want (or could handle) them. It just seems so HARD. And I know there’s such a reward, and I know that you could write a post about all of the amazing times, too — but wow. I definitely know I’m not cut out to be a SAHM.
Is it possible for the grandparents to take Will for a few days so you could shower and clean and nap and take a stroll through Target and just feel a little bit better? Sometimes it doesn’t take much to refresh. I hope that’s possible for you.
Longest comment ever; sorry. Hugs to you!!!
Ohmygoodness, SO normal. Especially when preggo with #2. I think my son knew his sister was arriving when I was about a minute pregnant, your body just automatically refocuses, which might be icky for the baby who is already toddling around the kitchen, but it’s the reality!
I didn’t stay at home — sort of — I’m a teacher, and was home summers and breaks and all, but those were definitely the worst points of early mommy-hood for me. It was fun for about a week, and then I got over it quickly when I realized I couldn’t expect my husband to clean or cook or take care of the kids when I had literally NOTHING else to do all day. Boo.
1. It gets better.
2. You have to make it better.
3. Honestly, first step for me would be looking at the budget and seeing if you can get someone in to clean for you. At least for a while. Even just every other week. We did that, and it saved my mind. I gave up going out for dinner to pay for it because we were on a relatively tight budget for two professionals back then. Well worth it.
4. Plan your menus. It seems all Pinterest crazy, but it is kindof fun (in the loosest sense of the word), and it got me more organized. Plus, then when you’re giving a hard boiled egg and banana for dinner, it’s because you PLANNED it that way. 🙂 And hard boiled eggs are awesome brain food. Throw in an avocado and you’ll be raising an absolute genius. Ha! See, PLANNED.
5. To second a few others’ comments, definitely find a way to get some “me” time each week when your hubs is working anyway. Will would love to be around other kids (maybe a class for him, or a babysitter?). You’ll be a better mommy.
6. Don’t feel guilty. My goodness, you have about 500 comments to this post. We’ve almost all been there.
7. Did I mention it gets better? (Mine are nearly 9 and nearly 6 now, and what’s awesome about that is that today they let me sleep until 9, they made their own breakfast, AND loaded the washing machine with their darks before I woke up… and that was just a normal Saturday for them. It totally gets better. Now we get to watch “The Muppets” together. Yay!)
Katie- hang in there. I’m coming off of ten months of my husband being gone (Army) and it was all me 24/7 with our now 1&2 year olds. First of all- you’re justified in your feelings. Just because other people “have it harder” doesn’t mean your reality isn’t hard for you. Second of all, you are not a bad mom, wife etc. The fact that you’re trying proves it. If I can give you just a few tips that work for me:
Naps- I’m not sure how or if Will naps, but having a “quiet time” in his room is acceptable even if he doesn’t sleep. My boys know that from 1-4 they have room time. It might be hard at first if he’s not used to it, but eventually he will choose to either sleep or play quietly as long as you are consistent.
Prioritize- For a long time I thought I had to be my childrens’ playmate, but I realized that’s not true. Your priorities as a Christian are God, Jer, Will. By keeping these in perspective it really helped me. You’re serving Jer by keeping a clean house and having dinner ready for him. If that means Will has to play independently, that’s okay. I know it’s hard at Will’s age, but if you enforce it he will eventually learn to entertain himself, which, trust me on this, will be your saving grace when you have a newborn. Will has to learn he doesn’t have your undivided attention 24/7.
I hope that helps. Keep up the good work & it will all work out. XO
Melissa- I’m really sorry you’re struggling & I hope this phase of life is short for you. We all have struggles & it sounds like yours are particlularly challenging right now. Hang in there.
I don’t have children (I’m still waiting for my miracle to happen) and I don’t have a husband with a long commute. But I can appreciate your honesty. Sometimes just getting our feelings out of our heads helps to alleviate the power they hold. I’m a little perturbed with some of the arrogant and/or judgmental comments (“welcome to motherhood” and “think before you post”) and just want to say hang in there, keep breathing, this too shall pass. You’re brave for wearing your heart on your sleeve and I’m hoping that you find a little light in this dark space soon.
I work full time out of the home, but I can still relate, its just on the other end of stick. While I wish I was able to work part-time and be home more with our daughter, its not an option right now. We are lucky to have a wonderful babysitter, but I still wish I could be home more. That being said, I don’t think I could be home full-time. It’s a lot of work! And I enjoy having adult conversations and being in the working world. Does that make me a bad mom? Of course not, and neither does it make you a bad mom or a bad person, sharing your struggles. Some of my stay at home moms are a part of “mommy” groups, where they meet up at the park, etc. Maybe that is something to do, just so you can get out of the house and will can burn up some energy. Good luck to all of us moms!
this is my favorite post for moms from Teacher Tom’s Blog! Love him 🙂
xo
http://teachertomsblog.blogspot.com/2011/07/how-to-be-best-parent-in-world.html
My grandmother had six children, and she had this saying that “anything worth doing is worth doing badly.” Namely, if you have exactly four seconds of free time and energy, then you start a single load of unsorted laundry and feel good about it. Or you brush your teeth in those most cursory manner and feel good about that. Or you wipe down part of a kitchen counter and ignore the rest of the disaster zone that is the kitchen, and you feel good about that.
I told this to my boss, who has a 1.5-year-old, a full-time job, a big dog, and a husband who is frequently out of town, and my grandmother’s saying is now her MANTRA.
I don’t have any children, but I am completely overwhelmed with my life too now, and I don’t feel as if I have a handle on any part of it at all, so I am also having to drop my standards way down. Showered within the last three days? DOING GREAT. Not feeling withdrawal symptoms from the medication I should be taking everyday, meaning I’ve taken it sometime in the last several days? DOING GREAT. Managed to have a sense of humor at work today? DOING GREAT. My cat still loves me? YAY.
Oh, Katie! Hang in there. ANY change in routine is hard for the entire family. I’m a teacher, so I get home from work in the late afternoon, and until a few months ago my husband worked from 1-10pm. Although we hated not seeing each other much during the week, and he hated not seeing our two toddlers, our life was a well-oiled machine. He was able to do a ton of stuff during the day, including laundry, lawn work, shuttling to doctor’s appointments, etc. and by the time I got off work I picked the kids up from pre-school, came home and fed them, played, bathed them, put them to bed, and then did my grading or planning until he came home and we could spend an hour or together before I drifted off to sleep. Because we cooperatively busted our biscuits during the week, our weekends were blissful family times where we could take the kids to the park and have leisurely dinners outside and take day trips.
Then his schedule changed and now he works closer to “regular” hours. For the first two months it was like our whole lives were in chaos. The things I was used to being done weren’t and I felt like I didn’t have time to do them when I was home with the kids. We’ rush to get everyone ready in the morning, we’d bicker about who could get showered while the other go the kids breakfast, we missed appointments, the kitchen floor was so sticky in spots that dust started to pile up and make grime bunnies. We spent all weekend trying to catch up on what we’d missed during the week and it felt like we didn’t spend time together anymore, even though we were actually spending even more time with each other than before. We looked forward to the kids’ Saturday naps so that we could have an hour to get things done. I couldn’t understand why we just couldn’t get it together.
And then, you know what? We did get it together. We figured out how to make it work and now things are starting to return to normal – and a *better* normal at that. I love having my husband home so much earlier, and the kids love having him read their bedtime story. I appreciate him so much more and realize what an awesome husband and Dad he is. Seriously, I get teary-eyed when I think about everything he used to do in the mornings before even putting in nine hours at work.
You will get there too. Change is hard, especially when it results in your family spending less time together. I agree with what everyone else said – give yourself a break. We did, and it was the best thing we could have done. One Saturday morning we looked around at the piles of laundry and the sticky floors, and the dog that was overdue for a groom, and the bags under our eyes, and just decided it was okay for a day. We went to a pre-season baseball game, had a great time, and didn’t once think about the other crap. We came home, got an awesome night’s rest, and tackled everything the next day while the kids blissfully played over my parents’ house for a few hours. We picked them up that evening re-energized and with a new focus and it’s been much more normalized since then.
Whew, this was much longer than I intended. Sorry for the ramble! My basic point is that it will get better. It will. Ask for help. Graciously accept help. Cut yourself slack. Then, once your head is in a happier place, make a plan about how your days will go from here on out. Maybe it’s a babysitter for a few hours twice a week, a cleaning service, or just an acceptance of the way things are and determination not to let it bring you down. You’re not a failure, you’re a mama with raging hormones who needs to stop comparing herself to things people pin that were most likely created by professionals anyway 🙂 Good luck, feel better!
Katie,
I’m going to be honest with you… I have a son that’s exactly will’s age and just had an 11 week old little boy. I didn’t realize how good I had it and how easy it was with just one until #2 came along. It’s never ending and constant especially with the lack of sleep thrown in. It also takes twice as long to do anything or go anywhere.
We are just starting to regain sanity now that our little one, who also was colicky and had extreme reflux, is starting to only get up once a night! Once I get into a routine it will be better, but I just want to warn you about what lies ahead. Just remember how short the time period is… It seems like yesterday I had our first born and he’s 2!
Hang in there… You’ll get used to it and find what works best for you and your family! Good luck 🙂
Katie,
Hang in there. This too shall pass sister. Don’t be so hard on yourself. One day at a time. One second at a time. You’ll find a new rhythm. Be encouraged. You’re so sweet. I enjoy reading your blog. You inspire me.
KT
I couldn’t relate anymore… I have a three year old and an 11month old and it aint easy! Hang in, it gets better!
Oh, and by the way, if what you’re doing is failing, then we’re ALLL FAILING!
Hugs and kisses to you!
Despite some of the comments you’ve received, I hope you do continue to write honest posts – thank goodness for people like you who don’t feel the need to put up a “front.” And I think it is quite apparent that you in fact are very aware of the blessings in your life.
My hubby also works upwards of 12 hrs a day (no commute, just the crazy hours of a farmer and business owner) and has since our first baby girl was born 5 yrs ago (baby #3 was just born a few weeks ago and filled our home and lives with more joy than ever). YOU CAN DO THIS.
Set a timer for fifteen minutes. Clean up/put away whatever you can before the timer goes off. It’s a great kickstarter for me and usually I will actually *want* to keep going after the timer buzzes. Do I get interrupted during that time? Of course. You will too. Just keep goin’.
Does Will watch TV at all? I am sort of a TV nazi with my children and have always been but we decided on how much TV time would be ok and then usually at the same every day they would get to have TV time and I could look forward to that time as well as they did. If we were having a tough morning, at least I knew come 1 o’clock I would have 1hr of peace to clean, do laundry, email or zone the heck out. When the hour was over, I was usually re-energized enough to finish out the day.
Prayers coming your way. You WILL figure this out!
19 kids and counting is encouraging during times like these 🙂
aww I am praying for you!!
I am a wife but not a mom and I feel behind…I’m terrified of what’s going to happen once I have a kid! 😡
Just know that you are most definitely NOT alone and that you have about a billion people praying for you!
Oh and please do NOT feel bad about getting behind on blogging. You could probably take a month off and still have a ton of faithful followers {like myself} waiting here for you. 🙂
~ Natalie
I just want to say this… I love you, thank you for keeping it real friend!
Katie, thanks for writing this. Really. Thanks for being honest and real. I also feel so blessed with what God has given me, but I feel like between work, taking care of a home, being a wife, commitments to church, very long to-do lists, raising our little kitten, the list goes on… I can’t do it all. And I’m not doing most it (at least not well). I feel like I’m failing at most things I have to do, and never really doing the things that I want to do! I do think my current project at work is really bringing everything to the surface more, and I’m looking for ways to improve that popular work/life balance thing we all dream about. I’ve always wanted kids, but I’m honestly pretty terrified of having them right now. I can’t imagine how I’d manage that kind of addition to my life! So unfortunately I can’t offer any advice or promise you it gets any better, but I can tell you that you aren’t alone, and I love and appreciate your honestly about where you are today. I do have hope that it is all worth it. I’ll be praying for you.
I feel like you do, but I don’t even have kids yet! I have a to do list a mile long–and yet all I do is work and cook dinner, I’m pretty sure! I know it’s just a phase and we will all look back on this time and laugh, but it can still be hard! I love what you said about not doing right by your blessings. I’ve never heard that before, but I love that expression. I’m going to remember it.
seriously your not failing…i know it feels that way, i feel that way everyday! I am home all day everyday with our two boys (1 and 31/2) i love them so much but its super hard! My hubs works 7(yes seven) days a week, and hes gone 24hours, home for 48 hours, but alot of that 24 is spent running his metal fab. shop,(which is really not little at all) and the 24 is at the fire department. It’s so hard and a little bit lonely sometimes but y’all will get into a groove and it will get eaiser! I promise, menu planning and encouraging our boys to “help” out with the cleaning, and laundry seems to help us, espically when I tell them I need their help because they are so strong and have huge muscles, ha! I try to make games out of alot of stuff, we play go fish when we match socks, stuff like that. I know it will get better, its just adjusting! You’ll do great:)
i’m with you, chica! i’ve got a kindergartener, a 3.5 year old, an 18 month old, and i’m 31 weeks pregnant. my husband works just 10 minutes away but is gone from 6 am-6:45 pm most days, and not home until 8:30 on wednesdays. it’s a lot. here are 3 things i’ve learned:
1) everything is crappier when you’re tired. it’s harder to be patient with your kid(s). other people’s lives look better/cleaner/fancier/more organic/etc. i have no magic solution for this-i need a nap more than anything in the world right now, and it’s just not going to happen, but even just KNOWING that your exhaustion is a big reason why life stinks right now is helpful, i think. it means that this is temporary. it’s awful right now, but it’s not forever.
2) it is ok to delegate. have jeremy throw the laundry in before he leaves in the morning(have the basket all set to go right in front of the washing machine), then you switch it, (have will help! he’ll think it’s lots of fun) and you and jeremy can fold together while you sit in bed and talk at night. there is no law that says your kid needs a sandwich every day for lunch. sliced cheese and bread are perfectly acceptable. heck, give him a butter knife and let him slice the cheese. who cares if it’s hacked to bits. it will keep him entertained and maybe some of it will find its way into his mouth. hire a sitter for a couple of hours to take him to the park or drop him at her house, then come home, sit for 10 minutes with a glass of water, then set your timer for 30 minutes and ATTACK your house. you’ll get more done in those 30 minutes alone than you could in 2 hours with will. buy a million frozen pizzas and some jarred applesauce and bagged salad. there’s dinner. DELEGATE.
3) when you get up:make your bed, take a 3 minute shower (let will howl if he has to, it’s 3 minutes and he’ll live), put on clean clothes and stick your hair in a ponytail. brush your teeth. you have now taken less than 10 minutes to yourself and it will CHANGE your day. don’t think, don’t do anything else, just get up and do it. your entire day will be better. i promise.
you can do this! sorry for the novel but i have BEEN there.
Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you. 1Peter5:7
…And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me… Mat.18:5
Katie, I see you have a lot of comments and I just wanted to add to the side of “I know how you feel, girl”. If that doesn’t make you feel better, how about this bacon inhaler? http://www.buzzfeed.com/gavon/the-bacon-inhaler
Writing, music, photography, bacon — just a way to release what’s going on in that crazy, hilarious mind of yours. 🙂
I think that anyone who calls your post ‘whining’ either has no kids or is jealous. This is your Blog you share the good bad and the funky! So many moms wont admit half what you did in this post. I know that as a SAHM (who is going back to worknext week) I have had the same scenario almost half my days. I think I’m a failure often.. especially when my little ones are eating at the ‘all you can eat buffet’ aka under my dining room table!
I’ve never had the pleasure of being a Mom but I know it’s the most important job in the world and probably the most under appreciated. Having never been there, I can only imagine how hard it can be. So I can sympathize with your feeling of being overwhelmed because I’ve seen how difficult it can be when my nieces and nephews were born. Hang in there and thank you for keeping it real and honest, regardless of the negative people out there. Shame on them. They don’t have to read if they don’t want to. I wanted to share something just to make you smile. My husband and I took an overnight trip to celebrate our annivesary. We stopped at a gift shop and he brought something to my attention. They were bandaids in the shape of and with a picture of bacon on it. Who do you think immediately came to mind? ;)~ I think they had your name all over them, ha!
I’m a bit late with my reply and you probably don’t have time to read any more replies but…. THANK YOU for your honesty! To me, there is no better mother than one who admits they are not perefect, and does not judge other mothers. You are both of those things which, in my mind, makes you perfect! You are definitely not alone… I have two under the age of 3 and I go to school full-time in the midst of trying to care for them. I am lucky to have family to help, but trust me, my house seems to never be clean, laundry never done, they eat french-fries or fruit snacks for dinner and it’s just hard! I thank you for your honesty. I stopped reading certain blogs where I felt mothers were so judgemental of others who did things differently from them. You are doing everything right and I think Will and Jeremy are lucky to have you!
I love your blog! And i love how you put everything out there, we have been trying to get pregnant for a few months now and i feel like i am failing to our family that i am not pregnant yet, but everything will work out, relax and everything will fall into place. I think your amazing!
My kids are older now so I can say with absolute certainty that it does get easier. I don’t have all the answers but I have learned a few things. Being a mother to young children is hard and it is physically demanding. Not to mention a bit more earthy than I was used to. Take any opportunity you can to get sleep. If someone offers help take it without guilt and just promise yourself one day you will pay it forward. If there is a mommy play group in your neighborhood join it. If there isn’t one, start one. Coffee, good conversation and happy children are a bright spot in the week. The women I met at play group were a lifeline. I also liked the suggestion that you find a babysitter and take a couple hours to yourself. I never did do that, but sounds good to me. Keep a gratitude journal and be sure to write down all the cute little things your kids do and say. On rough days just remember how much you love them. Refer to your journal on those down days. You will absolutely have to put yourself second a lot of the time. Your needs come second. Seriously no-one ever tells you that. This truth needs to be embraced.. Not forever, but for a time they do. Don’t underestimate how difficult that is sometimes, but accept this as a part of being a parent especially with young children. Then slowly but surely you will find moments for yourself again. You will find opportunities to nurture yourself. You will sleep. You will have your body back. You will have toilet trained children. You will have a clean house (okay I still haven’t worked that one out). You will get to shower and go to the bathroom by yourself. I loved your honesty by the way. You are not alone in feeling that way. We are all just works in progress. Don’t be too hard on yourself, shake it off, and keep trying.
My MIL did the late night shopping thing as a SHAM to 4 boys. It saved her sanity. Although now her boys are grown and she’s still at WalMart til 1 am!
Mothers day out-only a few days a week and shouldn’t break the budget. That way you can run errands by yourself or just go home and take a nap :). Good luck, I understand- my husband is a full time teacher and part time minister.
KB – You’re the best. I love how much grace you’ve used when responding to some of those negative “they just don’t get it” comments on this post. I started welling up when I read how kindly you responded to people who were being mean to you. I think it really shows that you know the Lord and truly love him. Keep it up, we all believe in you.
You’re doing fine! Your post made me bust a gut though (is that insensitive? Sorry if it is, I don’t mean it to be), cause I’ve totally been there. I’m a single mom to my little guy, with no dad in the picture so I don’t even get weekends off….and while I love my kid, when I get a night off (which happens maybe once or twice a month) I can’t get out of the house fast enough! My floor is always full of crumbs and sand, and I make KD for dinner way too often…..but, my kid is happy, he knows he’s loved and he loves me back, and that’s the important part. Let go of some of your expectations for yourself, and you’ll be much happier. I’d still like to be supermom, but I’m working up to it gradually, rather than expecting it to happen overnight….I tackle one little thing at a time until it becomes routine, and then work on something else. I used to be so hard on myself, and it sounds like you’re too hard on yourself too, and you shouldn’t be….give yourself time to adjust to this huge change!
Katie, you are not failing! We can not be 100% 100% of the time!!! If I let satan tell me this over and over again I will believe I am failing too. I have to look at the bright side of things and believe there is good for all the bad. My house isn’t always clean, the clothes aren’t always washed, the walls have holes and need to be painted badly, there are always dishes to be done, etc… etc… etc…. You are a great mother, a great blogger and a wonderful photographer! You are a wonderful, daughter, sister and blog world friend! Out of all of the bloggers I visit, I like you and Sherry best! (I found u throught Sherry’s blog!) Please, please don’t let mommyhood and the pregnancy hormones get you down. I have been there and am still right there with you. You are doing fine!!!! <3 Mel
I think every.single.mom feels like that. There is so much pressure to be perfect. I hope getting it out was cathartic.
sister,
I am pregnant with my ninth. If I lived in your neighborhood, I would send over my oldest girls to play with Will outside everyday. I am praying for you. It does get easier. It really does. You can do it. You just have to hold on.
Candice
Transitions suck! I remember my first day all alone with my child and I felt so lost. I felt like I would lose my mind before my husband got home. I cried. I prayed. I changed a diaper. I fed her. I then looked at the clock and realized my husband had been gone for 45 minutes!
Being a stay at home mom is the hardest job in the world in itself. Not to mention photography and blogging on top of it. It is also hard on Will because his whole routine is changed too. I’m sure he misses his daddy and he’s too little to understand.
Somehow we all survive. It will get easier as you adjust to a new normal and after your hormones get back in check.
If it makes you feel any better, my sister-in-law is ready to pop with twins. She will soon have 2 newborns in her home and 4 kids under 4. It could be worse!!
Wow, this post takes me back. Back to the days I was a stay at home Mama to a newborn boy and my older son, who was almost 3 at the time. I felt like a complete failure daily and my poor (Police Detective) husband was subject to my phone calls crying and begging him to come home. I’m pretty sure he dreaded my calls more than the calls he received from criminals 🙂
I promise it gets better! Today, they are 4 and 7 and we are a fantastic team and I really believe a huge part of it is because we were in the trenches together for years. They are bright, hilarious, happy, creative kids who are excelling at school. I honestly wouldn’t change that time with them for anything. I think that’s what makes a great parent. You keep going and going even though it’s more difficult than you ever imagined it would be.
Katie…Remember…this too shall pass.
I tell that to myself anytime I get overwhelmed or just don’t know what to do!
I must admit, I’m absolutely appalled by some of the responses you have received. And your response back to them, of course, has been so sweet. EVERYONE has their days, sometimes weeks and even months (when you are pregnant) and it’s not normal to be 100% happy and thankful ALL the time…you are human. I’m so irritated that you took the time to be honest and open and some people were rude back to you…I understand they were trying to snap you outta your funk, but they need to learn to do it in a respectful manner – I felt like they were kicking you when you were down!
Because you were so candid, I must be candid with you. I’m a mum of 2…my baby girl just turned 1 and I have a 3.5 year old (boy). It gets HARDER! I’m going to be the one to say it! Just like I wished someone would have given me half a clue how hard breastfeeding was the first time around (thank goodness it was easy with #2)…well having 2 is HARD as well! But the silver lining is…you will find your groove…and the hard times will pass.
I was fortunate to have someone help me out here and there (actually to take my little man out and about when I had my baby so 1) I could get some time with the baby and 2) he got some energy out – it helped heaps)!
My mom had 4 and I don’t have a clue how she did it. You certainly realize as you are pregnant with your 2nd how easy you had it when you were pregnant with your first! You could lay down and take a nap and not feel guilty sticking your kid in front of “educational” TV.
And not that you need it…but the only advise I would give you is you are taking more on by being pregnant and eventually have 2 kids…don’t take on as much as you normally would. Make your to do lists smaller…you will feel less stressed if you don’t have SO much to do. Give yourself a break and know it’s ok to not go 120% all the time. Focus on the needs not the wants. Make a list of what is MOST important to you and only do things that relate to that and that only until you get your balance again. And most importantly…remember your baking that sweet little child of yours…do everything you can to stay less stressed and healthy!
Hang in there and remember…this funk will pass!
Hang
Only one in over 500 but anyway…
You will adjust. It takes time but you will. I don’t even have kids but I do know that with ANY sort of life change that there is an adjustment period. You will just have a different sort of life now and thing will get better.
I feel bad for Jeremy. A 4 hour commute? That is cray cray. I hope they are chipping in for gas $! It is too bad that the sweet set up of working from home is over.
Good luck! You have lots of readers that are cheering you on.
Hi Katie, I am a new reader and am thoroughly enjoying your blog.
I completely understand where you are coming from, my hubby works away for months at a time in the winter and I have 3 girls close in age (under 7), the trick is to finding your groove again and getting into a routine. Transition is so hard on everybody but you will find what works again!!
Organization is key, meal planning will save your life – then you won’t have to think about what to cook for supper, use a crock pot. I think if you can find a school kid or someone to help watch your baby a couple hours a week is a great idea, don’t be afraid to ask for help – it makes you a better mom! Don’t worry about your house being immaculate, your son won’t care if the housework is behind, he will care if you are stressed about it though.
Schedule your week, write everything down – even if it doesn’t get done it will make you FEEL more in control!!
Hang in there, no mom is perfect, we all feel this way at times – but as you have more kids I promise it gets easier to deal with the chaos 🙂
We are 3 weeks into transitioning from two to three kids. It’s hard. But the first trimester of pregnancy was worse. You’ll get through it. Blessings and challenges go together.
Hi Katie! It’s Jessica from chick-fil-a, er, church. I have felt JUST like this so many times this year. Thanks for being honest about how difficult it is. It’s so hard to focus on playing a game of “kick the blocks all over the room” when you just want to sleep or knock a chore off the to-do list! It really doesn’t last forever. It comes in seasons. Soon you’ll be in the second trimester and getting some energy back! Sometimes you just have to lower your expectations for a while. Eating PB&J for a few months can’t do that much harm, right? You may have a lot of posts still waiting to be edited….but hey, you managed to put this one up! I’d count that as success haha. Browsing through your blog, I am really amazed at how much you manage to accomplish. You may have to let go of some things, but you’ll find a way to hang on to the things that are most important.
I already commented once, but I have another thought. You should consider having a middle school or high school student who lives around you come over after school one, two, or three days a week to watch your son for a couple hours while you are home. It’s less scary to have a 12 year old watch your son when you are home because you are there if they need anything. You can then work, clean, cook, or nap (gasp!) during that time. Also, consider getting a cleaning lady. It saves marriages and sanity. And it’s cheaper than therapy. 🙂 Praying for you!
I promise it does get better…the first twelve weeks of being pregnant with a toddler are HELL. This time round, I had a first trimester where I felt like rubbish all day every day as well a three year old and a one year old to deal with and entertain. It’s such hard work, the days are long, the nights are short and there is no energy or enthusiasm.
Cut yourself some slack and try to ride it out until you hit 12 – 14 weeks. I promise the second trimester will make a huge difference….you get energy back, you get some perspective, you get yourself together.
Oh gosh…I don’t have kids, but you’re def not failing at all. I’m sure there are more mom’s out there than you think ~ that are just like you. =) As for dinner ~ get your crockpot out girl ~ throw the food in there in the morning ~ and it’s done when Jer gets home. Easy!! =)
Prayers to you Miss Katie. Don’t beat yourself up too bad but do know that you have every right to complain. There is always going to be somebody else worse off but that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be able to vent when you need to. I feel the same things about my daughter and about our new schedule since my husband started a new job and is working 50+ hours a week. The job is a blessing, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t still hard getting use to a new situation. It will get easier, that is what I tell myself everyday…and things usually do, don’t they?
YAY! Jessica!! I totally was gonna text you yesterday until I realized, I have no idea where my cell is. It’s still lost. not even funny.
We have to do Chickfila again soon…mmkay?!
xo – kb
Holy busy uterus batman! You have been BUSY! I applaud you my friend 🙂
xo – kb
haha…that is hilarious. I should get it for my mom…she needs a new one 🙂
xo – kb
No – but not because I’m not a believer in getting help – I knew some simple ways to help me from the past and honestly just sleeping with Will on my chest helped tremendously. But thanks for the concern – it’s always good to keep medical conditions in mind!
xo – kb
He’s definitely looking at other positions in Equifax – he loves the company and would love to do something for them that involves a little less commuting 🙂
xo – kb
Great mantra girl – love it 🙂
xo – kb
haha…Oh Crystal – I can always count on you for one of these kinda comments. And to answer your question – I wish I was as successful as John & Sherry but then again, being that successful generally means you can’t vent to your friends online about having bad days 🙂
xo – kb
Right now we are gonna try to make it work – and Jer is looking for something more flexible within Equifax 🙂
xo – kb
Melissa! So great with all those jobs, fighting your ex for child support, and the little one that you have time to read blogs- Amazing! And comment on them- Even Better! AND make the comments hurtful- Fantastic!
Yes! It does get easier! We’re a year into my husbands crazy long commute too and I have 3 boys 4,2,&1. I don’t know about you but the first few months ( and last few weeks) of pregnancy always seem make tough situations tougher. You will make it, and in a few more months from now your sweet new baby will suck your brains right out of you and you’ll forget how hard this time was, or maybe that’s just me?
Funny, I wrote about something similar on my blog yesterday! It must be something in the air! And, I told my husband via skype in my crazy lady voice that he could not call me again until he was on the same continent as me, which will be in about 2 months! Oh my. I think it was the 5-year old equivalent to not inviting him to my birthday party. Here’s to hoping things get better for us! 🙂
I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels like this!
Like the Bible says, “…and it came to pass” This season is shorter than you think, but I’ve been there and survived. My best advice, find a nice homeschooling family and see if you can hire one of their kids who is a late tween/early teen. My two daughters did this before they were old enough to get jobs. It gave them some spending money, and they loved getting paid to play with little children.
Guess what, girl? You’re allowed to vent. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I am surprised and disappointed that readers are telling you otherwise. I know as a woman that sometimes we need to let it out and that’s it and we don’t need someone telling us our feelings are wrong! The best thing I can tell you is that you are not alone and from what I can see, you are doing a great job. Keep it up!
Oh, Katie-girl, you aren’t failing. You are being human. I’ve spent a lot of years feeling like a failure as a mom, and let me tell you what the Lord whispered to me, “I chose you.” Yes, he chose you as Will’s mom, as your new little bean’s mom. He chose you. Rest in that. And just rest.
When our 3 teenagers were 1, 2, and 3, my hubs would say, “The years are short but the days are long.” It seems like yesterday that I was feeling just as you are now!
You will make it! I am praying for you, Sister! Know that this season will pass. You can do it. I (and hundreds of other strangers haha!) believe in you.
Thanks for being honest, Sweet Katie. You are loved!
10 years ago, I was NOT a cool, calm n collected first-time mother. I wailed to my sweet sister-in-law, I JUST WANT LIFE TO BE NORMAL AGAIN! She said, Life WILL be normal again, but it will be a NEW normal! That was such a BIG help to me at the time : thanks, Cas!
Well, Katie, you’ve received hundreds of tips n tricks here! Motherhood unites womankind, hey? I’d guess that you’re feeling loved and understood and supported : in short, feeling much better about things! So, the next thing to do is to roll up your sleeves and get to work making the changes in your life according to the excellent advice that you have received, so that you can reach YOUR FABULOUS new normal, huh?
Good on ya, girl!
SO not failing! But don’t kid yourself, that schedule where your husband is pulling long days and your at home pulling a long day and the first thing you want to do when he walks in the door is hand him your kid and go take a bubble bath, despite the fact that he’s been fighting battles all day including traffic. I’ve been there and its beyond tough. Don’t stress, it will all get done on its own time and be just fine. PLUS your pregnant, yay! But that means you should give yourself a free pass for the next year! Big hugs!
Thank you for posting this today. I have been struggling with my 3year old and 9 month old. I feel just like you do and feel so guilty for it sometimes. I think you are amazing and enjoy reading your blog everyday. Its okay to do things for yourself so you have the energy to be mom again. It doesnt have to be all Will, all the time. Having small kids is hard work and we all struggle with it whether we are upfront about it or not. It will get easier at least some of the days! 🙂 Hang in there!!
You’re not failing. Sounds a lot like how I feel. Maybe some preschool for a few hours a week for Will? I bet he would love it!
(((Katie))), your post touched me so deeply with its honesty and vulnerability. It brought back so many memories of when I was a young mother at home with a toddler and baby and a husband who worked long hours and traveled to support us all. That was one of the most wonderful times of my life and definitely one of the most difficult and often very lonely times. I can without a doubt tell you that it will get easier, much easier, as your children get older.
I found that the thing that helped me the most during those years was my fellow stay-at-home mom friends. We spent A LOT of time together and that help and companionship for me and my daughters was priceless. I have so many wonderful memories of those times and made some of the best friends of my life. My oldest daughter is now about to graduate from High School and I can’t believe how fast the time goes.
You are a wonderful mother and wonderful wife and you are imperfect just as we all are. Who would even like you if you were perfect? I don’t think I would : )
XOXO,
Darby
PS: my “go to” bad mother meal on those crazy days when my daughters were little and cooking a meal was out of the question: cereal, milk and fruit. LOL, my girls thought it was a treat. “Yea! Cereal for dinner!!”.
Katie,
One thing that saved my sanity during those years is that I hired a babysitter once per week and a housekeeper that came in every other week. We were not a wealthy family, but I found ways to allow for that in our household budget (cut in other areas). I know not everyone has the luxury to do this, but it was worth it to our family to sacrifice in other areas to pay for those things to make our lives easier and happier.
xoxo,
Darby
Oh dear. Such ugliness is very bad for your soul, Crystal. Very bad indeed.
It DOES get easier.
They learn to dress themselves, they play alone, they feed themselves, and with having a sibling – there is nothing better than having your children play together!!!! It’s such a thrill! (and relief for you – you can clean the kitchen in peace).
My boys are now saying “I don’t need help!” many times throughout the day – and that tears at my heart a little – bc you do become less needed – it’s beautiful & a relief, but also kind of sad.
The days are long; the years are short.
Enjoy the crazy exhaustion!! Hold tight to your humor – it’s the only thing that saves you.
Also a more uncommon and less known is ante-natal depression. Rare but does exist and is difficult to handle. Keep an eye on yourself, tell Jer how you feel and tell him to tell you if he thinks you need help from a medical person, sometimes you may not notice it yourself. Juggling so many balls is tough on anyone without hormones raging through your body too!! You will get better and will get through it, it does get easier and better, you just do not feel like it at the moment. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
I’m so glad to hear that I’m not the only one. You make me tear up because staying at home with the kids makes me feel like I should be able to do it all. The house should be spotless, the errands run and then a healthy dinner on the table every night. It seems impossible and I feel like I can never do it. Although my hubby does not have a 2 hour commute every day he does work a lot of 12 hour days leaving me to basically do it all. I started blogging as a way to get away and yes we all feel like we just need a brake sometimes. I figured I would take 10 minutes to catch up on emails while the baby finished her lunch. Too bad I just looked over and her grapes are gone and the one left is being used as hair gel and the big boys “only ten more minutes playing games” I’m sure expired 20 minutes ago. Yes I fail too. I’m praying for you! Just remember we can’t do it all and it makes me feel SO good to know that someone out there isn’t afraid to admit the things most of us moms do not have the courage to say!
Good Moms have sticky floors, dirty ovens and happy kids. ; )
Oh Katie, I love your honesty. I wish we were neighbors so our boys could play together and we could sit and talk about how tired we are. 🙂 every stay at home mom feels like this every now and then. You are so not alone! With my husbands new job he is gone about 11 hour a day, then has to study 2 hours a night. I am so ready for it to get better, soon. But for us, it won’t…for a while. He deploys for 6 months late this summer. I am absolutely terrified of being a single mom during that time. Just me and my toddler, oh boy. I will say a prayer for you, things will get better. You may not feel like it now, but you are a terrific mommy. Will is a lucky little boy. 🙂
Jessie
Oh, dear, Crystal. Perhaps you should get off of blogs, if you must be unkind. As my sweet southern mom has always said: “Be nice, or go home.”
LOl…..you sound just like me a few years back. BUT, we are not failing…..it is what it is. Life. Your house is lived in, dinner is what it is, and you forget things….SO WHAT! lololol I’ve given up on having a pristine house until my needy son gets older. Whatever! Life is too short to be worrying about dust bunnies and a clean kitchen (where my son spends ALL day playing, eating, coloring, EVERYTHING!!) I’m not the playing kind of mom either. I can’t sit and play when I know something should be getting done. My husband has worked 2 full time jobs since 2004. I can’t complain. It affords me to be a stay at home mom. But sometimes I ‘NEED’ a break! Don’t sweat it.. they won’t be small for long. <3
….and oh my yes……LEARN TO LOVE YOUR CROCKPOT!!!!
So true. I’m in nursing school right now and life can get really overwhelming for me, and I don’t even have kids. This week my mom came to my house and picked up 6 loads of laundry, took them to her house and washed/dried/folded them for me. It was a huge help! So I agree, sometimes you just need to call your mama! I truly believe that motherhood is the hardest job. But I am sure you are doing great!
p.s. I never cook anymore, but I am seriously going to try this. http://www.ringaroundtherosies.net/2012/02/freezer-cooking.html
Jill: this was a wonderful comment. Kudos to you. Katie, you’re the very best.
Hey Katie! I am actually a family counselor and I really think you need to establish a routine with Will BEFORE the new baby comes. How many weeks are you? Congrats by the way! I hope it is a girl, she would be gorgeous! I always sugget making a routine with your toddler and then start to mold the new baby’s routine to his. Nap times start to fall in the same time slot as well as feedings. I hope this helps!!
Oh my dear, I feel for you and “been there, done that!” You are not failing at all, you are human. I am so right there with you!!! And it DOES get better – when they are older. And at moments in between. And it’s perfectly ok to stick in a movie for 30 minutes of quiet. Or to sign up for daycare twice a week for a reprieve. Totally and completely ok.
Hey Katie! Just wanted to say you are doing great and it always gets better! Here’s a funny website, maybe it will give you a few laughs.
http://whatshouldwecallme.tumblr.com/
Katie, I recently found your blog and love it! Your blog actually started saving me when I was feeling EXACTLY how you are feeling right now. So, thank you for saving me and my sanity, even if it was only for a few minutes everyday! I have a 20 month old and am 26 weeks pregnant. The first 4 1/2 months of this pregnancy, I felt exactly the same way! I did not get dressed or brush my teeth most days. It was all I could do to get out of bed and stay semi-focused on my son, nevermind feeding myself and him (and forget about dinner). It was also a transition for our family because we had just moved to Mexico for my husband’s job and he was working a ton of hours. I cried a lot and called my mom a lot, and prayed constantly. One time I was saying a prayer out loud because I didn’t think I could make it through the next few minutes and my son folded his arms because he heard me start praying (we fold our arms when we pray:). I was feeling like a total failure of a mom. Anyway, I’m totally with you. I just wish I could help you through it the way you helped me! I will be praying for you!!
P.S. I don’t know if it gives you any hope or you want to hear this right now, but things are much better now (if you can count making meals, getting dressed, and brushing my teeth as better, but the house is still a wreck:).
Right there with you. My house is filthy, I haven’t kept up with anything connected to my professional life, I haven’t cooked anything that took longer than 10 minutes in months, I feel like a single parent because of the hours my husband works (plus the time he devotes to an MBA program), and recently, I took pleasure in the profoundly pathetic victory that I made it through the week without crying every day (I cried every OTHER day). It won’t always be like this. If it were, people would never have kids. Or more kids. If you, at the end of the day, know you’re doing the best you can, that’s enough.
Crystal,
I am an avid reader of this blog and have never commented but your insensitive, hateful, rude remark pushed me over the edge. Katie’s honesty is refreshing and real–not everyone is strong enough to admit that they aren’t perfect, especially in a very public forum. Shame on you for trying to tear her down in her time of need instead of being supportive or, better yet, keeping your big mouth shut. More power to Katie for handling you with the kind of grace and aplomb that you don’t deserve. I pray that you “get it together” and learn to either support your fellow woman or get the hell off her blog.
-Melissa
The frustration you are feeling, fortunately, is normal. I have 3 kids and went through the same thing. You need to stop expecting so much of yourself. You WILL make it through this and soon enough the kids grow up.
You are doing a beautiful job and need to stop beating yourself up. Welcome to motherhood and dirty laundry! Wish you the best of luck.
I can relate to how you feel. The only thing I can say which will probably not help a whole lot until your #2 is old enough to play with Will is that the joy of see the two together being friends and keeping each other company will be so great. My second son is 2 and half, and he’s a great playmate to his older brother who will be almost 6. Sometimes my older one wants some alone time but for the most part, they play pretty well together. It does relieve some of the pressure of you having to entertain one. The other suggestion is to try and get Will to play more on his own. Give him some time to play by himself without you. Kids need to learn to play by themselves and to entertain themselves. Give him books to look at by himself or a chunky puzzle to do. You can be there but you don’t necessarily need to play with him. It will get better once you find your rhythm. 🙂
I’m so glad you wrote this post!! I have felt like a failure ever since my 3rd boy was born. My husband works from 7-6pm everyday, and sometimes more, so I am responsible for breakfast, lunch and cooking dinner every night. (and none of my boys are in school yet – all under 5) It takes practice to get your schedule just right, but it does happen. But I can’t say that you won’t still feel like a failure. Because I do! Hopefully you won’t, but I think it’s part of being a good mother — you always feel like you could be doing better. I’ll be praying for you!! Good luck and keep your head up:) And congrats on the pregnancy!!!
Katie, firstly thank for being so honest and secondly I want to give you a big hug.
I understand all too well what you are talking about because I went through it 2 years ago. Mine was depression caused by the traumatic birth of my son.
My husband was also understanding that the washing wasn’t done, the floors weren’t mopped or vacuumed, the dishes were piled up so much that there was stuff growing on them.
The only time I would get thi.gs done was when family was coming to visit…. I’d shove the stack of dishes in the oven, the dirty washing in the washing machine and to a very quick vacuum because I didn’t want them to see I wasn’t coping.
I only snapped out of it 8 months ago.
Please know I am praying for you.
Praying for you, Katie! You make so many people happy by what you do every day (myself included!). Don’t forget how well-loved you are by TONS of invisible people who only know you via computer screen. A few weeks ago I found myself in need of some good truths, so I pulled together this page of scripture that keeps me going when I need it most! There’s an attachment on the blog post if you’d like to download it for yourself: http://bekastays.wordpress.com/2012/04/04/beka-stays-faithful-surrounded-by-scripture/. Hang in there, girl.
I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from and feel the same way. I always wanted children and now that I have y daughter (5 months old) I just feel incompetent. I can’t clean, I can’t cook, I sometimes get a load of laundry done but mostly it’s my husband who does it. She takes up all my time. She doesn’t like to sleep so I feel sleep deprived and frustrated because she won’t sleep …and the worst part is my husband doesn’t have to commute to work (in fact soon his offiice will be in walking distance) and he’s often home by 4 pm. But I take it for granted sometimes and get upset when he’s later or when I’m just having a rough day and lay it all out on him. I believe it will get better….we NEED to believe it will get better! Good luck and try not to worry about us…your family and your health are most important!
it’s like the words came from my mouth. if it makes you feel any better, i used a snow shovel to clean out our playroom and my girls rooms this weekend. then… i bagged all their crap in garbage bags and put it in the basement. i’m fairly certain i’ve lost it. i’ve even got the photos! lol! no one will ever tell you how hard this job is. we’re all in the same boat, even if we are sinking! lol!
My hubby & I both work in kitchens, not lying….. We don’t see eachother every day. He leaves before I wake up at 4:30am and is back around 11pm when I’m asleep with our 2 yr old munchkin. Think of me when your feeling blue, it can be worse. 🙁
You have 500 million comments, so you probably won’t read this but…
Best. Post. Ever.!!! OK, maybe only second behind the hillbilly family pic one a few months ago. 🙂
And I’ll tell you why. It’s because I can SO relate. And also because I’m tired of reading about supermoms who seem to do it all, and do it perfectly.
I have twins who are 22 months, and I teach full time, and I commute… and I OFTEN feel like I’m hanging on by a thread.
I spend all day caring for and teaching 8 year olds, and then I feel guilty because all I want to do when I get home is crash on the couch. But there are dinner, and baths, and play. Sometimes… Seseme Street is my savior.
Last summer when I was alone with the girls, I both loved it and almost went nuts because it is hard to get out with two little ones and I craved adult interaction. It was hard.
Also, my girls are amazing and awesome and smart, but they are also total unrelenting jerks at times! I think (hope) that’s pretty normal for toddlers. But seriously, I dread mealtimes and tantrums and they play ROUGH! Discipline is hard at this age.
I don’t know how people get everything done either. I just started a major “to do” list that is basically a… “get it together” list for my life.
All that aside… I love your blog, you are an incredibly talented photographer, and your home and family are beautiful. Plus, I love your sense of humor. Sending you some love..
The part about putting your toddler in time out 7 times had me giggling and wanting to give you a big hug at the same time. I have a 3 yr old daughter and remember those days. These days she can’t keep track of her emotions and I’m struggling with both of ours. I would think about some kind of schedule, at least in the mornings, that you could write down just to give your days a little plan. Playgroups are great, too.
I love your honesty and response to these negative comments. Isn’t it funny how the negative people seem to follow the blog so closely? lol. Don’t worry. You’re irreplaceable as a mom! Never forget it.
Hi Katie–I am looong past the baby-making phase of my life (my daughter will be 26 yrs next month) but I do recall the struggles as I wasa single parent until she was 3, I worked and went to college–all with a very limited network. Here is my advice
1) crockpot-fix and forget it
2)a clean house can wait-babies & kids don’t keep
3) Is there ANYONE (a neighbor, friend family, etc) that can give you a break? I had a a very dear friend (who was single at the time) who would come over 2x a week. In exchange for a cooked meal she would watch the kid so I could shower. Or take a nap. Or go to the bathroom by myself with my toddler kicking and screaming at the door. I had another friend we would trade 2 days per month of babysitting, so the other could go places kid free. (Oh sweet, sweet freedom)
4) And no offense but your hubby is in this partnership. I understand he is gone 12 hrs a day but guess what parenting a toddler is a 1000 times harder than working/ be a road warrior. (You didn’t say he was or wasn’t helping) Anything he can do to help-a load of laundry, run the sweeper, give you a half hour to yourself will go a long way to re-establishing your balance. A lesson I learned when I first met my hubbs–if he offers help and does something –even if it ISN’T your way-just roll with it
5) which leads me to the last point. You cannot be all things to all people. You don’t have to be perfect (nor does your house) Don’t try to be superwoman because you will only set yourself up to fail
I hope things get better and stop being so hard on yourself!
P.S. Any chance you can bribe a neighbor kid / niece / nephew to babysit while you clean? Better yet have them clean while you play with the kid? Fingers crossed!
i don’t have kids, so I can’t answer if it gets easier. I suppose it must, if not, no one would have grandparents. You’re pretty brave for putting it all out there though. and I admire that. The only advice I can give, and its probably pretty trite, but ask for help. I don’t know what you can do at home, again, I don’t have kids, but there’s a whole network of internet peeps and fellow bloggers out here in cyberworld who love you and would help in any way we can. Maybe guest posts? So you can take a week off from that particular job. However it works, just be assured, it will work out.
First off, a HUGE bear hug to you, because you need one. I absolutely LOVE how real, open, and honest you are not only in your actual post, but to the negative commenters too (there will always be people who have more, always people who have less, always people who are jealous of what you have, yet everyone has feelings and struggles we deal with and the grace of your kind words to those who want to tear you down takes strength.. You amaze me KatieBower, you amaze me (yes, when I say your name in my head I say it all as one word). As a coach’s wife, I can relate to the long periods of time away from the hubs. It flat out sucks. But they are away for a reason, and it makes the time together so much sweeter. Although it takes a long time to adjust.
Katie, hang in there….you’re doing great! You’re pregnant, which means you are hormonal, always blame the hormones!! I’m right there with you, between work, taking care of my 10 month old after work, having our apartment on the market, etc, etc, etc, I always feel like a bit of a failure in all areas. There aren’t enough hours, but we’ll all get through some how. Deep breaths.
Aw, Katie! First I laughed, then I teared up a little, then I cocked my head to the side with an encouraging smirk (in good taste, mind you). Then I laughed some more (oh, you have a way with words). Then I scrolled to the comments. My dear, you are completely, 100% just like the rest of us. Only wittier. 🙂 Thanks for putting into words what so many of us have a hard time articulating. You’re not alone, but know that we’re here to listen (er, read) and offer encouragement. You’re not failing. You’re being honest. With change comes that shake-up. Give it some time and be patient with yourself. It will get better – promise.
Katie, I think I speak for a lot of us when I say that if you need a break from the blog, we would totally support you in that. And we’d be here when you want to come back.
You are in no way a failure.
Praying for ya!!
hang in there girl! you are still my idol!
it will get better
as my uncle always says “one step in front of the other” that’s all you can do!
and if that means that you forget to write a post, or brush wills hair, or not have time to do dishes
no worries
it will get done eventually!
get sleep- your little nugget in there needs mama to sleep and that is the most important thing 😉
Katie, you are doing awesome. Thank you for being honest because I bet that this post has made so many other moms realize that what they’re feeling is TOTALLY OKAY.
Hi Katie! Bless your sweet heart. I just love you. You are so real & honest & open. Thank you for being willing to share your life in such an honest way. It’s so refreshing. You are not alone! I also have a boy toddler (and also a 7 month old baby boy), and was laughing while reading this post. I, too, would love to walk around my house without crunching Cheerios with my toes or slipping on a matchbox car. I’m sorry your hubby has a 2 hour commute. That would be so hard. I have a hard time with those 12 hour days too. You are a great Mom. That’s very apparent. Just hang in there & give yourself a break. I was so sick during my first trimester with my second boy, that my toddler ate crackers & Cheerios off a plate on the couch three meals a day for 12 weeks. I had no energy & couldn’t open the fridge for fear of puking. My toddler is still alive & thriving. I think it’s all about surviving this stage! Hang in there! I’ll say a prayer for you. 🙂 Seriously, women are so hard on themselves. You are creating a human being…that’s like body building…get it…building a body! Hahaha. Anyways, that’s amazing & exhausting & you have to give yourself credit for that. Your time to get things done outside of your uterus again will come soon. In the meantime, throw some Cheerios on a plate, throw in a movie for Will and lay on the couch. Your growing baby will thank you for giving your body a rest. 🙂
Oh, you are not alone!!!!! I see everyone is saying it but had to give you some encouragement too!! I moved to California from Canada for my husband to go to dental school. When we moved my girls were 2, and 5 week newborn. So, it was a little insane…. and I never see my husband because he is in school or studying ALL the time since this is the hardest thing he has ever done, and I knew NO ONE, and no family nearby. So it was rough, but I started doing the things the others have mentioned, making a schedule of what I’d like to get done, even if it’s small an accomplishment. And finding friends with kids to have play dates and mommy time with. Also, a year later I started birth control then stopped it and my hormones and cycles were all over the place. I think it really effected my emotions, felt supper frustrated with the kids, lots of anger which then made me feel like a bad mom. Now that my hormones are getting back to normal I’m surprised at how much better I feel. So pregnancy could be doing that to you as well!! So hang in there!!!! LOTS of prayer, submit everything, and HE will be there for you. Thanks for your honesty!!!
Hey Katie,
Hope this isn’t too cheez balls but I was hoping it would at least make you crack a little smile…
K: Kind
A: Authentic
T: Truthful
I: Inspiring
E: Entertaining (fo sho)
B: Bacon (only appropriate)
O: Original, can only be one:)
W: Witty, man you make me laugh!
E: Exceptional friend, wife, mother, daughter…
R: Religious, He has a plan and never gives you more than you can handle. At least that is what people tell me when I say I have four kids under the age of 5. I tend to feel He sometimes is really just messing with me and laughing at my attempts to cope 😉
Hang in there lady. Every Mom has had these moments without a doubt! Keep it real and by doing that you give other moms the knowledge that they too are only human and can only do their best. You just have to keep saying tomorrow will be a better day.
A big squishy hug,
Kate
Aww thanks Kate! That actually does make me feel better 🙂
xo – kb
Girl – I read every single one. You guys spent the time to write em – I might as well spend the time to read! Plus, you guys are awesome encouragers 🙂
xo – kb
And I will pray for you too Jessie! Deployment is terrifying…on more than one front! I definitely will pray!
xo – kb
Okay Y’all – I am thinking it’s time to close this thread. Thank you for all the support…and thanks to everyone who will take the time to pray for both Melissa and me…heavens knows we all could use a little prayer 🙂
xo – kb
Gal,
Been there. Looking back, since now mine are difficult in an entirely different way – (college, sr. high school and last one is 13) I want you to know you are not alone. This is a very busy age and most mom’s feel overwhelmed. most mom’s aren’t trying to run a business – that takes time. You are in the heavy lifting period of life – and when you see a friend in that situation, you try to give her a recipe for being gentle with herself. You need a support system, you need to delegate more, and you might just decide that the fabulous blog can shift to 2 or 3x week for the summer – a summer schedule!!!
So here is my three point “recipe” for you to consider:
1. Get help – even a 18 year old relative or neighbor who came by after school for two hours to play with the little guy (outside!) 4x a week. If you can’t afford the help without breaking even on it (from business income) then do it as a mental health investment 2 x week. Some days you will work, some days you will nap, but it will be the respite you need.
2. Get out to be with grown ups – the secret behind play groups is that they aren’t really for the kids – they just happen to have that effect too so mom’s can feel virtuous. Forget what you “Have” to do and go, but avoid mom’s who seem to be competing for organization perfection awards.
3. Buy more convenience foods, ask Mom for her old standbys /research 15 minute meals and give yourself permission to help them eat more simply a few times a week. I’m a southern gal too and we do judge ourselves by how we feed our men. There is a way to do vitamins, flavor and easy in 15 minutes – really. Look it up and you’ll figure out several one pot meals that are quick and easy (boxes of mac and cheese, add broccoli to the water just before you drain, and so forth). Try loading the crockpot when you stop for lunch and have more energy.
Let less be enough. You are doing fine except you think that people can do as much work as they used to before having toddlers. You can’t. Just let that go . . .
I never leave comments, but I wanted to leave you a word of encouragement as well. I have two girls, age 5 and 8, and while I was pregnant with the younger one my husband was deployed. I thought I was going to literally fall apart at times, and I beat myself up for putting my toddler in her play pen to watch Elmo and eat cookies while I slept on the couch….but guess what? Both of my girls are wonderful and happy, and to this day, when I get overwhelmed with soccer, and gymnastics, and their homework and My own damn homework I make myself take a step back and say “this too shall pass, and tomorrow I can start over”.
Thank you for being honest. I really believe we women put too much pressure on ourselves. My number one piece of advice is this: ASK FOR HELP. It’s hard for us independent women to do at times, but there are people that love you that would be willing to step in.
Be encouraged honey. Again I commend you for telling the truth. Motherhood is not all unicorns and roses!
I give you a high five for writing this. For putting yourself out there and being so incredibly honest.
Please don’t be so hard on yourself. You are such a good mommy to Will. You have such a kind heart and raising a toddler is exhausting. Even though I am an odd one that loves to clean and organize, I have had plenty of moments just as you described. And I mean plenty. We are human. We are mommies.
Don’t let pinterest make you feel bad. In fact, I love pinning your work. You are inspirational, don’t forget it.
Sorry to hear about Jeremy. The hubs and I are the same, we don’t go to bed without one another. Ever. And he works so close to home that it makes for a sweet convenience that I sometimes take for granted and honestly couldn’t imagine life without. I can only imagine how hard it is on you both to adjust. Sending virtual hugs to you.
Thanks for trusting in us and sharing the real deal. All of us bloggers should do more of that.
xoxo,
Jen
This actually makes me feel better to know that you have days like mine. I seriously felt like you were describing my life. So ya, we totally get you Katie. You are not a bad mom or wife. This stuff is hard enough without all the crazy that we get from hormones. We totally get it. And if we don’t get as many blog posts from you because you have too much else. We totally get it. Lots of prayers, lots of love, and sometimes tears really do make you feel better.
You completely are not alone. It’s easy to think you are a failure as a mom when you lose your cool. I was so upset the other day that my toddler just wouldn’t listed. I screamed at her and put her in her room and she said…”Mommy, you’re horrible.” She’s two by the way. I was stunned, and sad, though now with the distance of time, I can find some humor in it. The reality is that no matter how together you have it, we all struggle. We all have our good days and our bad days. The great thing is that kids are very resilient, and despite our less than wonderful moments, we are still the center of their universe- at lease while they are still young. Hang in there, and thanks for putting this out there.
Have you ever thought of sharing some child care with a friend that has a toddler about the same age? You take her child one day and she takes yours. You have one day free to get all the stuff done around the house (*sleep*) that you cant do with a toddler and then a second day when your son has a playmate and might not need your undivided attention. Makes the week go faster too.
I dont miss those days, I had three kids under 4 and I am not sure I remember all of it coherently (we had night terrors too) because of the lack of sleep/ proper nutrition/ showers that I experienced. Now my kids are almost all teenagers and I get no sleep for a whole multitude of other reasons. Plus Im getting re-married and have four step kids. So seven kids and a hubby-to-be who travels for work. Talk about crazy town.
And just remember dirt will improve his immune system. So a banana from the floor or a goldfish cracker from between the car seats is actually good for them! 😉
Oh, Katie, don’t worry. We’ve all been there, and the Moms that haven’t been there, just aren’t admitting it. Thank you for posting this, it makes me feel like we are not failures. The past couple of weeks have been rough around here too. Three kids under 4, a house we have lived in just a year, my husband is working constantly, and I’m exhausted. I know what it is like, but it does get better, you’ll get into a routine soon enough, and hopefully by the time the new baby arrives you will have a system. Good luck and best wishes. I’ll pray for you, please pray for me 🙂
Hi Katie,
I’ve never left a comment before, and I know you have a ton of other comments so my thoughts are probably just being repeated by 7686 other people, but I just wanted to say (a) You’re not alone, being a stay at home mom is a tough, tough job. I’ve been at home for a little over 3 years now and I called my husband crying all the time for a long time. Sometimes I still do. He doesn’t have a really long commute (1/2 hour) but he’s a detective/bomb technician/youth director at our church, so between working overtime on cases, getting called into work and doing youth activities often times it feels like we never get to see each other. But, like Jeremy, he’s a phenomenal husband and daddy, and we try to make the most of our time together, (and we try to include our family in youth outings). (b) My biggest fear is being inadequate. At anything and everything. So when dishes are in the sink, flour is on the countertop, and my 3 year old is playing on my iphone, it makes me feel like a meltdown is coming and I’m a horrible mother. You’re not alone. The verse that has helped me these last 3 years has been 2 Cor. 12:9-10 which says, “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” I actually have it taped it my kitchen cabinets as a reminder that when my strength is gone, I have Christ in my corner to pick me up. Lastly, (c) it does get better. Really, it does. I’m not saying that life is perfect and I don’t still have crying and frustration, but the feeling of being overwhelmed constantly gets less and less, and calm will make it’s way back into your life. I’m also the mom with 2 boys who constantly want to play trucks, jump, play in ANYTHING involving mud (which means double duty in the laundry room), and sometimes I don’t want to do those things. I have to admit I haven’t figured that part out yet, I’m feeling guilty about taking the time to write this comment because my child is entertaining himself, but it will be okay. You’ve got an army of prayers on here 😉 He’s faithful and good, and I know you know that, but be encouraged.
p.s.- Thanks for sharing. You have courage and I admire you for it 🙂
I’m not a mom but I can understand what it feels like to “fail” in life. I have no excuse and there’s many days when stuff just doesn’t get done so I can’t imagine what that’s like with a child too … and I suck at patience. You’re amazing and at the end of the day your husband and your baby love you. Every day isn’t going to be perfect. Every month, year, etc. isn’t going to be perfect. But keep on truckin cuz eventually you’ll feel better!
I recently read this article from John Piper on motherhood. Its really worth a read. It encouraged me so much as a mom of a 2yr old and newborn. Also, remember that everyone will probably forget about us one day, and our blogs, work, etc. But your children are your legacy. They will live past you, and will have their own children. Its Gods design for you to impact eternity. More than a clean house, or creative mom, or money, Jer just needs his mom. No one can fulfill his emotional & physical needs like you can. Hang in there.
http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/motherhood-is-a-calling-and-where-your-children-rank
Here’s how I handled my third pregnancy (surprise!) when I was already crazy with two kids (3 and 18 months) and freelance part-time biz:
1. Make a list of your top 5 priorities (these are things you absolutely MUST have/do)
2. Make a list of the 5 things you can live without (what do you let slide most frequently?)
Every day when you make your to-do list, put those 5 priorities on it. Then put one “wish list” item on it that you want to do. (Forget about those 5 things that weren’t important anyway). If you get all your 5 top things done, treat yourself to that wish list thing. Carry that wish list thing every day on your list until you get to do it.
Why does this work? It makes you take life one day at a time, because that’s all you can do.
Oops, meant to say Will :o)
Well, that was a well-timed post. I have been feeling the same way lately and horribly guilty for having these thoughts. I have a three year old boy, a 21m old girl, and a 3 week old boy. I work full time (although I’m on maternity leave right now). I know I should enjoy every moment of this time in my life but I find myself snapping at them and exhausted. My house is a disaster and smells of dog and old peanut butter crackers. Forget nutritious dinners. Even on maternity leave and watching food network all day, I can’t seem to get past the 5 regular meals in my rotation. And with baby #3 here and not sleeping at all at night, I’m starting to get the “I have done this 2 times before, I should be better at this by now” feelings. I guess this is just part of being a woman and a mother. Maybe we all secretly harbor these feelings?
Thanks for posting,
Kim
Hang in there! I was feeling the same way last week. Honestly, thanks for sharing, it’s nice to know someone else is going through similar experiences. Commuting crazy distances is the worst, but I just have to keep reminding myself a job is a job and such a blessing even if its not exactly how (or where) I want it to be. Also, just saw your pregnancy photos…so cute! and I love your haircut!
Knowing other people have days/weeks like this makes me feel better. My house is a disaster zone. My 10 month old thinks it is more fun to lean over the high chair and feed the dogs then to eat himself. My 2 1/2 year old has decided that nothing I make is what she wants to eat. I do work so I get a break but then I feel guilty for working and not spending enough time with the kids. And then if my daughter acts up and I have to put her in a time out I feel like a bad mom because I wasn’t with her for most of the day. Thank you for sharing your life and letting me know there are others out and that it is hard to get everything done.
Thank you. That’s all, just thanks.
Thank you for that. You are not alone. I started those feelings when I was pregnant and had a 3 year old at home. I was also a working mommy so I didn’t have the “sick of my kid”‘ feelings until the weekend. Now that I have two little boys and I’m still a working mommy, yep, same feelings. I just know now that I have more good times than bad and my attitude could change for the worse or better in an instant. Just gotta get through each “instant”. My husband also works too much which I know I should be grateful for but some days are just harder than others and I know I gotta rely on the help of others. Good luck & hang in there from one mommy to another!
Katie-girl, Praying for you! I am nowhere close to being in your shoes, but I can definitely relate to having a significant other who works two hours away from home. My boyfriend started his job in January and I am still not used to having him working so far away – half the time he stays with his parents who live closer to his job. It’s really hard not having him around as much. Hang in there.
gym with childcare to give you a break (and take a fun dance class or walk) and will a chance to play with some other kiddos. just a thought. or a music class for will that he can participate in without you and you could read your blog reader. sounds like you need a break in your days
Take a deep breath and give yourself a hug from all of us. (that’s a trick my mommy taught me way back in the day, when she just couldn’t be there to make me feel better.) And remember that you are amazing and wonderful and a great mommy! And thank you so much for sharing all those parts of you with us. 🙂
I had a bad day at work. Thanks for posting this. We all have bad days at work regardless of what we do.
Hey Katie…..found this today….thought you might get a giggle!
A man came home from work and found his 3 children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around garden, The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and no sign of the dog, walking in the door, he found …an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, the throw rug was against one wall, In the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel… She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, ‘What happened here today?’ She again smiled and answered, ‘You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?…
”Yes,” was his incredulous reply..
She answered, ‘Well, today I didn’t do it.’
🙂
Read this article today and thought of you. Hope you catch this… and hope you know you are NOT alone.
http://thisibelieve.org/essay/68791/
The juice box mom…. love it.
Thank you for sharing your feelings. You are not a failure! I so appreciate you being real about it. I feel much the same way, frequently. Something I’ve been trying to do is write things down on my calendar (I don’t have anything fancy) so I don’t have to try to remember them, and I also have been trying to limit my to-do list. Usually I have at least 20 things on it each day. I’ve been trying to limit it to around 5. It really helps me not feel overwhelmed!
Also, I’ve decided I’m going to try working out at the YMCA in May. My husband works a lot of long hours and I need a break from our almost-3-year-old since she’s decided she’s not napping anymore. Our local YMCA is great from what my friends tell me, so I’m going to give it a try. Our budget is tight (you have mentioned yours is too) but I’ve decided that my sanity is worth fitting it in. Good luck!
My girlfriend, who is a pediatrician and has four small children of her own, said to me once, “There is a reason they have no memories from that age, you know!” I think that’s a pretty wise statement, actually. All you can do is put your best foot forward every day, and when you’re pregnant sometimes that best foot includes cereal for multiple meals a day and snuggling while watching cartoons.
I’m in a somewhat similar situation to you (aren’t all 768 commenters?). My husband just WORKS 60-70 hours a week and we have a big ass house. If I am really, really honest, I would say buying the house was a mistake. Not a financial mistake, but more of a life mistake. I spend a LOT of time caring for this house and all the crap in it. It is gorgeous and I envision my daughter’s wedding reception here, my kids inviting all their teenaged friends over, etc. But the price of these daydreams is that I give a lot of my time and life to maintaining what is essentially a pile of stuff that will someday be dust. I wouldn’t do it over again, even though I am “living the dream” as far as society goes.
Pinterest and blogs and magazines give an image of home life that is just as fake as an airbrushed model on the cover of a fashion magazine. The caption for all the photos you pin may as well be, “This is what my life might look like if I didn’t spend so much time working on my blog.” Don’t compare yourself to something that isn’t real and isn’t achievable. Love God, love your people, do the best you can and forget about comparing.
Hi Katie! It will get better, promise : ) I’m 26 weeks prego now, with a 20 month old at home. I thought I was going to die for the first 16 weeks. I couldn’t deal. I’d lie on the couch and my little guy would haul on my hair to get up and I could barely grunt. I felt sick 24/7 and got lots of acne (none of which happened with the first pregnancy). We are having a girl this time by the way ; ) Once your energy comes back you will start to feel like yourself again. Your patience will return as will “liking” your son ; ) Suddenly things will start to feel possible again. Getting together with other Moms and kids is so good for the soul – not sure if you have access to a play group once or twice a week. It really tires them out and makes them less demanding for your attention once you get home.
Love your blog! Take it easy, take your time, inhale blessings, exhale gratitude, it’s allllll good : )
Oh, my gosh… #4 is a riot. I am SO going to run with this idea. PLANNED.
Oh, Katie — I know these times so well. It hurts my heart to hear that you’re going through such a tough time right now — I will pray for encouragement for you.
My fellow commenters here are so wise, so I’ll just echo two things that resonated with me:
1. My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. 2 Cor 12:9
and
2. Kristen (above) is a wise lady — she said “Love God, love your people, do the best you can…” That’s it — that’s all He asks of us.
Hang in there, Katie — it will get better.
Sending a virtual hug your way!
I just came back to see if you replied to my post or read the power of moms article. I see other ladies posted it. If you havent read it, do so, its funny and up lifting. On my way through the comments, there were some nasty comments througout. I cant believe some people. Mom always said, nothing nice to say, dont say anything at all. They clearly want to compain about their life and they should do that on their own blog or their own time not on your blog and putting that on you. We all have our days. Just because we are blessed to stay home with our kids, we cant have bad days? We cant all lead the same life, the world would be boring. We all have our days and struggles and I love your blog because your real. If I lived nearby, I would totally help you out and our boys could play together. So keep trucking on. Anyways, read that article. Its a great one.
Oh, Katie, it does get better! I am a mom of three, now ages 5-12. I have always been a stay-at-home mom, and at times, the feeling of isolation was unbearable. I too cried to my husband, felt short-tempered at times, my home was often a mess because I had no will to clean it. If you can get out of the house a little, maybe find another mom who wants to occassionally have lunch, something to look forward to OUTSIDE of the house, it will do you good. Later, your kids will keep each other busy. But you need a little help. The expression ” it takes a village to raise a child ” is so true. You are not a failure, thanks for sharing.
Kudos to you, both for putting yourself out there and for doing a better job than you know. I know you feel like you’re failing (I am totally with you on so, SO much of this), but I’ll tell you what my husband tells me: Being Mommy is hard. It’s harder than anything you’ve ever done and you, my dear, are doing a wonderful job. No one can do better by your little man–he misses you when you’re gone and loves you more than you realize.
Yup. Another. Comment.
You wouldn’t know it, but you and I have been on a good ole Ross and Rachel “break” for a long while now. It’s not you, it’s me. ;). Your blog just always made me feel like a big giant ZERO because you just seemed so normal but yet extraordinarily great at everything you put your mind to do. I like to think I’m normal, too but I seemed to be failing miserably at everything. Then you went and had a kid and still managed to maintain your absolute perfection. Err. My kids are 3 and 1. I’d always held on to a teensy amount of pride because you and your bf were DINKs (dual income no kids), so of course you had the time, energy and sanity for all the stuff you’ve accomplished! Once Will came along and you were still cranking out amazingness? Frankly, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I’d see the latest BP post in my inundated inbox and just scroll on by. But then, by chance I took a peek. And there it was. Mrs. Perfect posted she was… failing. I teared up because I could have written a lot of it myself at any given point in the last 4 yrs since getting pregnant with my first. It is getting better.
What’s working for me? I think a sensible/flexible schedule with afternoon naps, daily showers, good quality face-to-face girlfriends (Facebook doesn’t count) and mommy times out go a long way, but keeping my priorities lined up with my faith this year has proven to take me to a new place of rest. Seek ye first, right? Everything else seriously does fall into place. My circumstances haven’t changed a whole lot and I still get discouraged from time to time, but when I have peace and joy – “things” in general have a whole new perspective. I read a Proberbs31 daily devotion to keep my bearings. I read there once, “Comparison is the death of contentment.” I know the reverse could probably be said (something like “Comparison is the birth of great change.”) but generally, it’s just not good for girls to sit around and compare themselves to one another…so I took a much needed break from Facebook, blogging, blog-surfing, Pinterest and TV. I know, it’s not exactly feasible for you since social media is your livelihood but. I digress. I try to stay in the Word daily (with purpose, not just reading randomly to meet quota), I try to find time to pray daily, and I make sure to do a time of prayer and devotion with my oldest every night. Like I said, circumstances still aren’t ideal but I am happy knowing I’m at least putting first things first. He’ll give me the strength to do the “stuff” on the list. In due time!
Wishing you the best in the rest of your pregnancy, a pain-free delivery, and pain-free nursing this time around. (Just read about your nursing with Will, btw. Nursed my oldest for 22 mos, the youngest 12 mos and counting. Knew I was blessed but your post took my gratefulness to a new level!) Continued blessings to you and yours!
Katie, don’t be so hard on yourself.
You’re facing some major changes in your life, the baby coming, Jerry not working at home anymore, a sweet but demanding toddler… Anyone would be overwhelmed!
You’ll do great, you’ll see.
Lots of love
Hi Katie,
Already commented once but since so many other ladies mentioned crock pots, I thought I’d actually send you a tested-and-loved easy peasy recipe (use whatever salsa and broth are available to you): http://leftonamelia.com/main-dishes/shredded-chicken-tacos/
The chicken tastes so good, we like to pick at it before even assembling our tacos!
Found that lady’s blog through Erika of Urban Grace Interiors. I think they’re friends. 🙂
Love to you!
Katie,
You describe my life!!! Especially the barefoot sand/rocks/worms in the toes thing. I have gotten so much out of joining a mom’s group on Meetup.com. I know you live quite a ways away from a largeish town but it may be worth a shot. When I had #2 these Mamas brought me meals for an entire week!! We have no family in the area so it was very hard for us.
I am going to be brutally honest with you: It is harder with a baby. Much harder. I am just starting to find relief and my second is almost 6 months. I had (still do) many days of tears. Just keep up with your doctor, family, friends, and know that there is help when you need it. Don’t be afraid to ask.
But remember: Babies don’t keep. Let the house go. Hold your babies and love them and love yourself. Their eyes looking into yours makes all the difference. I live by this poem:
http://www.scottsdalemomsblog.com/2011/01/31/babies-dont-keep-poem/
Enjoy Mama…
Apart from all your awesome projects – this is why I love your blog. I love how you always keep it real. You’re doing a great job! Raising a toddler is hard work – I’m amazed you do all that you do. When my kids were younger I didn’t do half of the things you accomplish. Give yourself a break- you deserve one!
Sing it sister. You are not alone, none of us are – it is nice to hear people be honest! If women could be more honest with each other, and less competitive, we’d all feel better. Hang in there.
I read your blog because you are such a real person. There are times when I read blogs not unlike yours where I walk away and think.. Wow! I’m such a loser! I am doing nothing crafty, I’m not making individual snack sizes of all of my groceries, I don’t extreme coupon, or get up 3 hours before my kids and work out. Heck I don’t get regular haircuts, haven’t been to the bathroom by myself in like 4 years now. My house is never clean, I don’t have some BHG worthy house done for 3 dollars off of garage sale finds. I don’t have anything painted gray. I sometimes think blogs are a double edged sword. On one hand your getting some good ideas, on another your in a place where your sort of comparing your life to others. And that can be bad. Your a good mom. The second pregnancy is harder because you have another kid. It’s funny how you realize how much time you had in whatever your previous life stage, because you always feel busy and stressed out no matter where your at in the cycle. Thanks for keeping it real. It takes guts to put yourself out there and hope others don’t judge you.. We aren’t.
OR:
*The caption for all the photos you pin may as well be, “This is what my life might look like if I didn’t spend so much time working on my LIFE!!!”*
I’m sure pinterest would be a great thing for saving recipes or crafts, but I see so many people coveting what they want and don’t have that I feel I don’t need that in my life. I want to love what I have. And I do. Who needs to be perfect? Who needs to have “it all”?
You’re not failing, Katie, you’re living life and sometimes it’s a bumpy mess but that makes the smooth ride so much better!!
This is why I read this blog (well I’ve got about 100 other reasons too). You are the queen of keepin’ it real. Thanks for articulating everything I feel on the daily and not making me feel so guilty for having those emotions, because someone else is too. You are thebomb.com and I believe even though it’s hard now, it’ll get easier soon and the joy you’ll have seeing the people your children become will be worth the pain of this and more. Keep your head up!
I love this mostly because I always think you are so freaking ‘together’! I envy all of your hobbies and projects not to mention your personality 100% rocks. This was nice to read even though I know you are in a hard place. Thanks for sharing and keeping it real.
Oh GOODNESS it gets easier. So much easier. (At least in this way. Then we get to deal with pre-teen emotions and relationships. WHEE.)
But, anyway, I’ve been where you are. Literally. Years ago, I just knew I was a horrible mom. We ate like crap, because I didn’t have the energy or brain power to shop or plan meals, I “knew” I should be devoting more one-on-one time to my son(s), etc., etc., etc. Here’s the thing: Will knows you love him, and he will always know that. He will NOT remember the current, frazzled, pregnancy-exhausted mom you are right now.
You are not failing. You are completely normal. More moms are in this state than anyone knows; we’re just too afraid to tell anyone.
I’ll share the better with you, to give you that light at the end of the tunnel: Kids are 12 & 8. There’s still lots of building (Lego), jumping (outside), and constant GOING, but here’s the thing – I DON’T HAVE TO WATCH THEM EVERY SECOND. Oh my GOSH, the difference that makes! You will get here, too. One day at a time, heck, one minute at a time in the meantime, and you will be here. I promise. 🙂
I LOVE YOU. Seriously. Couldn’t be sending more love your way right now. I love your honesty and courage and completely uncensored life story which you so graciously share as often as possible. You are real and wonderful and you make my heart grateful. Just keep loving and loving and loving. The rest will fall into place. MUAH XOXO
Someone told me once, don’t compare yourself to other people, especially those online (pinterest) because they’re showing you their highlight reel, and you’re comparing your behind the scenes reel to their highlights. It’ll never live up to your expectations if you do that. Just take a deep breath and be preggers. 🙂 Just be.
Let me start by saying: Take a breath, when you finish that take another. My best advice is to just “keep breathing”. Take life one breath at a time right now. You will get through this.
I was a single mum to 3 daughters for the best part of 20 years from the age of 17. My oldest was very physically and emotionally demanding. I would call my mother crying and get zero sympathy, usually laughter. She’d tell me I deserved to have a horrible child because I was one to her. Please believe me when I say I know just how excruciatingly difficult it can be at times.
I have learnt in no particular order:
a) There are things you can control and things you can’t. Let go of the ones you can’t.
b) You can only do the best you can at the time, with the feelings, energy and personal limits that you have at that time.
c) You will not remember the unswept floor, crud in the bathtub, cereal for dinner etc. in 10 years time, 5 years time or maybe even 1 years time. But you will remember the feeling of having good experiences with your precious child. As another poster said “Babies don’t last”.
d) Forgive yourself and allow that while everyone in your life is human and imperfect – So are you!!
e) Striving for perfection is like beating your head against a brick wall. Whenever one area of your life is doing well, usually it mean another is suffering because you aren’t balancing your time.
f) You CAN’T do it all. You might be capable of anything but it is physically impossible to be all things to all people. You must choose what is most important to you and do that first.
Slow down and let your body tell you what it needs. Take some time. Don’t let other peoples expectations (or what you think they expect) control your life.
Next time you would normally go on Pinterest (you know all that perfection is faked right?), go for a walk instead. I bet you feel better for it.
Oh Katie, what a heart wrenching post. Thank you for trusting us enough to share at this level.
I am neither a wife nor a mom yet but I have days when I feel like I’m failing at all the roles I have, too. But the reality is that we’re never doing as badly as we think. There is nothing wrong with PB&H for dinner now and then. And I can’t imagine anyone staying sane after 12 hours alone with a toddler no matter how much you love them. You’re human.
One thing that helped me was scaling back my mental “to do” list. I realized I was adding stress to myself by thinking I “had” to do all these things. But I didn’t HAVE to. I wanted to, but I reached the point where I wanted peace more.
That’s when I separated out what I really had to do to function and live – work, laundry, grocery shopping, pay bills, etc. Beyond that I picked two things I wanted to do and gave myself permission to put off the rest indefinitely. That included blogging, home projects, and even occasionally catching up with friends. (I didn’t stop, but I scaled back). It was a lifesaver. I stopped feeling guilty and frustrated and could be fully present in the few things I did make time for.
You have many more responsibilities than I do with your son and husband but perhaps if you give yourself permission to scale back or lower your expectations in some areas it’ll take a bit of the the stress away.
Whatever you do I hope you feel better soon. I don’t know you personally but from all I’ve read here and on YHL you seem pretty awesome to me!
I know I’m almost a month late on commenting, but I wanted to do it anyway. Katie, thank you so much for this post. Reading this was a real turning point for me. So much of what you said, was exactly how I was feeling. After reading your post, I realized that I wasn’t a failure, and I wasn’t the only one overwhelmed with life. Realizing all of that brought along a huge attitude shift for me. My husband and I own a restaurant, and we have a 7 month old baby girl. I take care of her all day and night, along with doing the booking keeping, and working in the restaurant on Friday and Saturday nights (and other times when I’m needed.). I felt like I wasn’t doing my best in any area. Mainly, I was just hanging on and trying to survive! I felt like maybe there was some magic secret to being a mom/business owner that I just hadn’t figured out yet. Then there was the guilt of knowing how blessed I am, but not feeling truly as grateful as I should. Knowing that I wasn’t alone in being overwhelmed helped me to change my way of thinking, and I have been so much happier. Thank you so much for sharing this with your readers. It was so brave of you to be so open and honest. I just wanted you to know that it really did make a difference to someone, and I am very grateful to you!
Finally! A mom that is brutally honest. Thank you. Your post really resonated with me and probably a million other moms (if they’re honest). My oldest just turned 3 and my other girl is 5 months. My toddler really tests me. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought the same thing about wanting to walk barefoot without feeling crumbs on the floor! I love her but there are definitely days that I do not like her! It’s just nice to know that others feel the same way. As they say, one day we’re going to miss this…!?
First time commenter- I have recently begun to read through your blog since finding out about you on YHL. Truth be told, I was getting jealous of everything about you. And then I read this. And I felt bad, but also relieved. I am a full time work outside the home mom, and I also feel like a failure sometimes/a lot of the times. But I also feel so blessed to have everything I have, which makes me feel bad for feeling bad about what I don’t have. It was a refreshing read and it is because of your honesty that I will continue to read your blog for a long time. Thank you for being willing to share such intimate details of your life.
Love and blessings to you…
PS Sorry this is so late to this post.
And also- you are NOT a failure.
I love the supportive followers you have. SO much better than the nitpicking over which mothering type is best and such. All that does is bring us mothers down. As a whole. We should all strive to support one another. We could all use it. :o)
I have been reading your blog for a few months now ( LOVE it!) and am always insanely jealous of your organization, creativity, faith, etc. I feel so inadequate when I am done reading but your blog makes me strive to be a better mother, wife, and Christian. I just found this post this morning and I am so thankful! It’s great to see that everyone has problems and we only see the “finished projects” most times. Everyone has a “bloopers reel” and sometimes we forget that. Thanks so much for sharing.