Back in January our friends moved into our basement and we officially became ‘house-sharers’. A couple months ago, they decided to move into their in-laws which is closer to the house they are renovating and their work, church, school and life. This past week, they officially moved their things out of the basement and now we get to move all our junk back into it 🙂
The last nine months were definitely an adventure and I wanted to talk about the things we learned along the way that may or may not help you if you find yourself in a similar situation. People house-share all the time (friends, in-laws, family members, etc.) and I wish I had more info going into our adventure so in the spirit of objective-ness and helpfulness, we looked back at the situation with a critical eye and came up with these tips.
Here are the top things I learned from sharing a home with friends…
1. Verbalize boundaries and expectations early
Boundaries are really healthy in any relationship and should be set up as soon as possible especially when you house-share. In our situation, Jeremy and I were very verbal with one another about our personal boundaries. We felt like living in the same house as another couple meant that we would treat the entire basement as their home. A separate and distinct home. We literally locked the basement door to the first floor and if we wanted to talk them, we would walk around to the exterior basement door and chat. The kids had to treat it that way also. Since we are really conservative (as our friends are too), we also did not ever want to have the appearance that something damaging to our marriages was going on. Jeremy and I discussed what we felt comfortable with and decided that since it was their home, we as individuals would never be in their space with only the opposite spouse. That is something we wouldn’t do with someone else anyway so it felt like the most logical way to avoid “the appearance of evil”. That is how rumors start and so we never wanted to even flirt with damaging gossip. Obviously other people are going to have different personal boundaries so you have to decide for yourself your level of comfortableness.
Expectations are the same way….we are good friends with Brook and Kent and probably would have hung out more with them but we also realized that we had connected very little in the last year….so we didn’t know what our social interactions together would include. I think this is an area that we failed at! We as the ‘host family’ wanted to respect their privacy so much that we probably neglected to invite them to things. We chalked it up to “oh they probably want their own space” when really we should have talked about that more with them. Did they want to be included in events and stuff they normally wouldn’t attend? Are they interested in socializing with more movie nights? We really didn’t know! I think looking back that we definitely could have been more social with them.
2. Common areas are best used as tidy-areas
We Bowers tend to be a little messy…ok…a lot messy. But there is one area that we try very hard at keeping tidy….the yard. We have rules about the toys in the yard. We just don’t leave them anywhere and after the kids play with them, we tell them to clean them up before coming inside. Since our yard is so big and we have so many toys, you can imagine that can be a major chore if we just let them stay out. Jeremy calls the yard “His Domain” and he gets a great amount of pride keeping it nice and tidy. Well, if our friends kids had toys outside, it was kinda awkward at first….how do we breach that conversation about our yard rule? It’s kinda weird to tell someone else’s kid to clean up. So for a while Will and Weston cleaned up all the toys that were brought out before we decided to talk to our friends about it. Jeremy talked to Kent about their girls helping out and they understood and talked to their kiddos who did a great job of helping but it definitely was something we could have avoided all together if we had set that earlier. In my personal opinion, if it is a shared space (like a yard or a living space even), both parties should leave it as clean as they found it. That may sound elementary but I think for our situation, it worked the best.
3. Don’t try to DIY in a hurry or after they move in
It’s nearly impossible to do any renovations after another family has moved in. NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE. When we cleaned out the basement, we thought – oh, they will move in, and it will take us one month to finish the kitchen down there. NOPE. It took longer! Again – a major fail on our part but renovations just take SO long! We do a lot at nap-time DIY activity and it throws a wrench in the plans when there is another kid napping in the next room over…or when you are in someone’s space and you have to be anti-social just to finish. I mean…these were our friends….we wanted to talk! We literally squeezed the laundry nook and kitchen (I’ll share this soon) whenever we could and it still felt like it was a weight over our heads. I definitely recommend finishing all DIY before people occupy any space.
4. Communicate, communicate, communicate
When you decide that house-sharing is a possibility, I recommend that you immediately communicate some vital information. First….talk about money. Can you really afford to have someone in your space? You will have increases in water bills, electrical bills, trash collections, gas, and possibly even increased accommodations (Do you have to renovate anything to make the space livable? Do you need a bigger water heater? Will you cover pest control or cleaning services? Are you ready for damages and the cost associated with that?) – all these things cost moolah and you have to decide if you or your house-mates are going to pay for that increase or even rent. We did not charge our friends rent but we did ask that they cover the increase in utilities. It’s also necessary to communicate about move-in dates, move-out dates and contingency plans. I also recommend talking about little things….where to park, what you plan to do about mail (will the host collect and then be responsible for delivering? Will the guests get a PO box? etc.), what the trash/recycling schedule is, what is off-limits (like storage areas or liabilities), will you be changing locks or expect help with keeping up common areas. It’s best to talk about all these things and more up front. Figure out what volume is too loud between floors so that you can respect quiet times (we failed at this! I am sure they heard us yell all the time!), figure out the best way to communicate between the adults (group texts? the guys? the girls?) and talk about rules to limit liability (we strictly enforce the helmet rule when riding bikes and their girls quickly learned that Miss Katie yells and waddle across the yard with a helmet if you forget!). Try to think of every situation and face that in discussions first. Both Jeremy and I learned rather quickly that we are still learning to communicate with one another….and then throw another couple in the mix and it’s definitely a learning experience!
5. Anticipate major and minor life events
When Jeremy invited our friends to use our basement, we obviously had no idea that I was pregnant with Maxi Knight. I didn’t find out until later and let me just tell you….if I had known, they probably would have never moved in. I am like a caged animal when I am pregnant. And don’t get me started about postpartum. Plus, I am constantly sick when I am growing a baby. So basically, that little unknown became a big game-changer. Obviously, we didn’t anticipate that one…but if there is something you can anticipate – try your best to communicate and prepare for those as far in advance as possible….weddings, events, trips, vacations, work events, etc. all can throw a wrench in daily life if done in YOUR shared space or near it. Imagine someone all of a sudden throwing a birthday party in your back yard….it could ruin your Sunday nap routine or could be your ticket to a frosted cupcake….communication, anticipation and planning about those life events is the difference.
6. Realize that House-Sharing is an adventure
Life is a grand adventure and realizing that you are very different people with different plans, hopes, dreams and expectations is very healthy. I never thought about how much Jeremy and I value staying-at-home time until we lived with our friends (who are always on the go). We are basically hermits comparatively! And I also never realized that we ate so many noodles for dinner. I know that seems weird but every time we shared a meal with them, it was another noodle dish 🙂 I think living the shared-lifestyle is full of unexpected turns and kinks in the road but in general, it is what you make it! You can complain that the water heater isn’t big enough or you can try to wash dishes when nobody is showering…the choice is yours…(this actually is a thing we struggled with….a small water heater!). The biggest thing is that you have to be open to learning more about yourself.
7. Remember the ultimate goal
For some people, house-sharing is purely a financial decision. That’s ok! There is no shame in your game! You are basically renting out a space to help cover the overall costs and providing a lifestyle for your family and that other person. For others, the ultimate goal could be to have a more quiet lifestyle or be more social or to downsize or to be closer to work. The ultimate goal could be anything really. For us, our ultimate goal was to maintain our friendship while providing a temporary space. In the end, I learned that we did do that and the bonus is that we have so many wonderful memories of our time here together. We gathered around our dinner table so many times, we watched the world’s worst movie, we did a patriotic parade and went to dinner and commiserated about being outnumbered by the kiddos, we entertained and we threw birthdays, we cried and laughed and celebrated two new baby boys. We are super thankful for our friends and glad that our kids now love their kids as much!
The whole thing boils down to communication, managing expectations and just doing your best. Now that our friends have moved on, we feel like it’s time to start sharing the basement kitchen renovation. It is a fun new space that is a completely different vibe than our upstairs one and we are loving being able to utilize it for Thanksgiving family! Stay tuned for that (be warned that I am pregnant in a lot of the photos so NO I am not pregnant again….it’s just Max in there!) and also if you have any tips for house-sharing, I would love to hear them! I know that we are probably going to do it again in the future so now I understand how important it is to read as much as I can about the topic!
These are great tips, Katie. Just curious – what is the world’s worst movie that you guys watched together?!
Loved this. Thank you for your transparency.
Would you be willing to write a blog post on managing all of your littles? We will have 2 under 2 in May and I am looking for some real life pointers!
Thanks again!!!
You rock Mama!!! My husband and I have shared our house 3 times. 1 & 3 were absolutely miserable terrible experiences. 2 was pleasant, but still a little awkward. We failed at setting boundaries and expectations. We have vowed never again. Good luck in the future, you are brave!!!!
Well now I gotta know what the world’s worst movie is! 🙂
Good summary Katie:> I’ve house shared three times. The two early times was as a new college grad in a basement room of two other families, one a helpful gesture and the second as a small rental. Paying rent was helpful in that it made it real – I got a ‘parking space’, shared kitchen space for my stuff, separate house phone number but did join the family for breakfasts and occasionally movie/tv watching – a very lovely situation. The prior no rent situation was weird/awkward for me in that I had to ask for pantry space (it didn’t even occur to them I’d need that!), to be added to their home voice mail (this is pre-cell phone days and I was job searching), and yeah, the boundaries of space.
Now 15 years later, my in-laws live with us. This was a concerted effort with conversations before we even started house hunting as to their budget, tolerance for stairs, amount of community living, their not being ‘on-call babysitters’, etc. to figure out what layout of a house would be conducive to what we all wanted. Specifically, living together (dinners together, helping each other out) but with separate ‘living’ space. We decided we wanted a walkout ranch house with the lower level theirs. Two years later, it’s been working out great but yes, we’ve had conversations about dinner, preferences (we have multiple eating types, gluten free and vegetarian and carnivores:>), schedules and whether the in-laws should provide any discipline/guidance to the kids (we said, yes please:>). They are the gentlest souls and very tolerant of our young childrens’ meltdowns but those do weary the older generation too…anyway, the life of living together. Not always smooth but talking things through and shrugging through other things works:> One note, my FIL was humbled by the situation in the beginning in that “he’s always been able to provide for his family and now…” that’s how we got the rent amount, as 2/7 of the whole family, they pay 2/7th of the mortgage and utilities (~%30), so we can all feel its fair and keep pride. Hope I didn’t write too much!
This is such a helpful post! We have shared houses with another couple twice- first time was a disaster, the second time was great. Both times we were sharing a lot more of the common areas- 1 kitchen, 1 bathroom, etc. The second time though we had a spare bedroom that we turned into kind of a second living room. That made a HUGE difference, just having separate spaces to hang out in other than our actual bedrooms.
Of course, this was also 2 separate couples, so there were other factors as well. But having separate living spaces was a huge improvement.
Thanks for the tips! We are currently house sharing with my parents (pregnant me, hubby, and two kids) while we sell our current home and look for a new one. It’s had it’s pros and cons for sure, but I keep reminding myself the goal is worth it. Get hubby’s commute down from 1.5 hours to 30 minutes or less! Gotta love ATL traffic!
This was really helpful! I am just about to wrap up my first year of being a landlord, while living on the first floor of the building. We rented to a stranger this go around but are considering friends in the future and I’m sure it will be a different dynamic and much less “businessey.” This will definitely give me some ideas to set boundaries up front with them!
Love the 2000’s pic. American Eagle flared khaki’s forevahhhh!!!
While I understand the meaning of this post is to educate on homesharing, I felt like half of this post was way too personal for online share. Also it is probably not your intent, but in reading this it kind of feels like there is some hostility towards the family, and it reads that way. You are a genuine, kind person and I think it is great that you gave them the space to use to help them out. I just think a little consideration into the other family, and their interpretation, before posting this was necessary. If you shared this post with them beforehand and they approved, I retract my statement.
Also the not mingling with the opposite sex is bizarre to me. I know people can have their own beliefs in regards to relationships, but it seems like a trust issue to be to be honest. JMHO.
Erin
Lucy 🙂
xo – kb
Lucy. We had such high expectations 🙁
xo – kb
I definitely see how some people might feel this post was weird or oversharing but in general, we want to share things that could be helpful. I think if I had read this post prior to house-sharing, it would have encouraged me to communicate more. And I get that every one has their own beliefs but how embarrassing it would have been to any members of our church if they just stopped by and we didn’t set those boundaries. We live in a very conservative environment so to each his own! And no way – no hostility whatsoever…we still love our friends and it was a great experience overall.
xo – kb
It’s weird that you describe you and your friends as conservative and therefore concerned about being alone with a person of the opposite sex.
I wouldn’t describe myself or any of my couple friends as conservative (in fact quite the opposite!) yet I could never imagine a scenario with any of us where we would be concerned about one of us being seen with any of the other of the opposite sex.
I think it’s interesting, sociologically speaking, that you are somehow drawing this conclusion. Especially since you are mentioning people in your church. Are people that distrustful of each other?
Obviously cheating happens…didn’t we Americans learn that this summer with ashley Madison?…I think being open about talking about boundaries is healthy. What some people say is distrustful is what others call being human. Sociologically speaking, we go to churches with older people that would think the opposite sex in a home would be inappropriate to our spouse. I’m sure society in other areas of the country are different but we live in the Bible Belt.
xo kb
I really appreciated your comments on setting firm guidelines right from the start in regard to the opposite sex. I never would have thought about it, but it is so true. I think it was very respectful of your friendship and your marriage. Trust is an easy thing to lose, even when everything is on the up and up, so this is not out of bounds at all in my opinion. And I don’t live in the Bible Belt, nor do I consider myself very conservative 🙂
Great article, Katie! Very well written – ‘hostility’ and ‘oversharing’ simply not true! I applaud wholeheartedly the keeping of oneself from the appearance of evil – you and Jeremy are very WISE and sensible and respectful !!! Keep up the good work, girl!
Lol, Ashley Madison? I think people have cheated long before that, but that really isn’t the point I was trying to make.
Personally, I think the onus of trust lies between spouses/partners. Both my spouse and I regularly interact with members of the opposite sex on an everyday basis, whether in our neighborhood, at work, with friends, etc. I just couldn’t see ever needing to have that conversation with a friend – “hey, I don’t think we should talk to each other unless one of our partners is present” I would feel as weird about a friend saying that to me as I would feel weird saying that to a friend.
I guess I can’t imagine being caught up in community gossip to such an extent that men and women can’t interact or be friends without their spouses present.
I’m fascinated by the logistics of this spousal arrangement. My hubs and I have a close circle of friends of both sexes. Some couples, some not. Sometimes I meet one of our guy friends for lunch because our offices are near each other. My husband’s home-brewing partner is one of our best gal pals. I don’t think we’ve ever blinked or thought twice at hanging out with people who are our friends.
So, some scenarios:
If Jeremy is in an elevator and a woman gets on, does he exit? What about Doctors of the opposite sex? Do family members count? What if they’re in-laws, like you hanging out alone with your sister’s husband? What if two of the opp. Sex are first to arrive for a group hang, does someone wait outside? Do either of you have friendships of the opposite sex outside of couples or each other?
Do you become concerned that this rule tells your kids that they can’t be friends with girls innocently without untoward feelings, or that they shouldn’t trust their significant others when they get older?
Oh yes! I agree that conversation is quite different…I don’t necessarily agree that men & women can be that kind of close friends (having conversation and sharing time together in each other’s homes alone without a spouse) without gossip or doubt or uncomfortableness. That is just me and I am completely entitled to that opinion. Call me jealous. Call me distrusting. Call me whatever. I think it’s appropriate to verbalize boundaries.
xo – kb
It’s funny that this is fascinating to you! This seems like basic stuff to me – verbalizing boundaries 🙂 And I will do my best to answer the questions. We are definitely friends with other couples and have friends that aren’t married but we hang out with those people as a couple. So in regards to your scenarios….no he doesn’t exit but that is a stranger in a public place not a close friend of the opposite sex alone in a home. Doctors of opposite sex are ok (professional and my OB GYN always has a female present for exams), family members do not count but we never really hang out alone with the opposite sex alone in that situation as usually family get-togethers have tons of people present. If opposite sex are first to arrive – doesn’t really happen for us because we always arrive together. We do not have individual relationships with other individuals – we always befriend as a couple. I do believe that one day we will have to set some boundaries up for our boys….but as far as when they are much older, I hope that they would be able to communicate about boundaries with their spouse because if you can’t, then it’s not a trust issue, it’s a communication issue.
xo – kb
Thank you Jessica!
xo – kb
Bingo to all of this! I think you are just masking a much deeper issue/insecurity. To me it falls in line with shared Facebook pages. If someone is going to cheat, they will find a way. Who knows maybe some of the Ashley Madison members had this kind of agreement and resorted to infidelity away from the public eye. Who knows! My point is if you trust someone it doesn’t matter who they are around. Who cares what the gossip around town is? If all of your ducks are in a row then no worries. No one has an issue with boundaries. But boundaries that point out to those of the opposite sex around you that you can’t be alone in private with them because of possible gossip is just again, bizarre.
I imagine some of those conversations are really awkward to have — but so necessary! What are your future plans for the basement?
Hi Katie! Long time reader – first time commenting. I have to say I was so impressed that you and Jeremy decided from the start you would set a healthy boundary to respect both marriages. Bravo!
bhahahaha! Maybe we should just all strike vows from the marriage ceremony then. Because we shouldn’t talk about what we want or what is our own personal comfort levels because it’s distrusting…is that where we are going? Seriously though…everyone can analyze our relationship but the point I made was ‘communicate about your own boundaries’. Everyone has their own different ones…we just felt like this was ours and it was appropriate. I stand by that. Boundaries in relationships should be communicated and then the responsibility falls on the other person to choose what to do with that boundary. Personally I do care what gossip is…bad gossip can ruin reputations and I would never want something harmful to our friends or our relationship especially if it can be avoided completely. Isn’t that the responsible thing? Isn’t that the loving thing?
xo – kb
I have to say that I agree with all the other commenters who are baffled by the boundaries regarding being in the same room as someone of the opposite sex. My husband works with several women who he has become close friends with. They often work in a back office at their store, alone. I have absolutely no reason to even bat an eye about their work situation because we trust each other 100%. I have several close friends who are guys and I have known them longer than I have known my husband. He has absolutely no issue with me going to hang out with them. One of my best friends is married to a girl I introduced him to and she is totally fine with us going to lunch together alone. I think it speaks volumes about underlying issues if you can’t trust your spouse to be in the same area of the house as someone of the opposite sex without being supervised. I understand you are looking at it from how it will be perceived by people from your church but if they are that quick to gossip then maybe you should reevaluate that situation as well.
Not too sure why you were getting so much flack about setting boundaries about being in the same space alone with the opposite sex. Like you I trust my husband implicitly, but creating that boundary is 1000% necessary as to protect from any situations or insecurities that could develop from sharing a living space. Who cares if others think it’s crazy, God was proud of you in that one! 🙂
I’m 59 years old and have seen many folks make a complete mess of their lives. It’s never a bad idea to avoid either temptation or the appearance of temptation. I believe the ’30’s’ is a very dangerous time of life. The blush is off the rose, the kids are demanding, many feel the awful feeling of fleeting youth and all that can lead to BAD decisions. You’re smart, Katie. And it has absolutely nothing to do with appearances. And has every. single. thing. to do with keeping your marriage STRONG. Turn a deaf ear to all those confident (foolish?) women that say it won’t happen to them. It can and it does. Prevention isn’t just smart – it’s necessary – while still trusting your spouse 100%.
If only God can judge, not sure why you worry about the judgement of your peers, especially church peers with the same belief. And yeah striking all the vows is the same thing, are you serious? Open communication is very important to any relationship, obviously. But without trust what purpose is open communication?
You honestly sound like someone who is overly worried about what others think about you. Which is just a sad way to live to me. Be yourself, do right with what is in your heart, and live your life without worry.
It is kind of funny to me that this rule threw people for such a loop. As someone who was raised evangelical, I can assure y’all, this sort of thing is very common. I don’t necessarily love-love this mentality. Like our pastor won’t meet one-on-one with another female (even in public) to avoid the “appearance of evil” (a common phrase in Jesus-land). But, one of our associate pastors is a female. So really? You can’t have a professional meeting over coffee to talk about PowerPoint fonts because she happens to have a double X chromosone pair? But at the end of the day, that’s the boundary he feels is necessary (and I can see where he’s coming from because, seriously, how many pastors have been caught literally with their pants down?) At the same time, I wish there was less focus on gender in churches. Fewer Men’s Breakfasts and only women in Sundary school teaching positions, etc. We’re people, guys. We just pee a little differently, is all.
But yeah, not wanting to be seen alone with a member of the opposite sex within a private home is not a weird boundary for evangelicals. I get how it seems old fashioned to those outside of the sub-culture (like Betty Draper getting busted by Don for having an air conditioning salesman in their house), but I promise, it’s really not that weird. Any type of “throw back” sub-culture (not even necessarily a religious one) would probably nod in agreement at this really common boundary.
I think you are really sweet, and probably a very genuine person but this post is a bit bizarre and GOMI is blowing up over it. It doesn’t read well – you live in a gossipy ‘church’ community? You can’t trust your husband in a room with another woman…whaaaattt? You guys basically just shared a yard… so not really a true house sharing experience.
If you feel comfortable posting this kind of personal information online – more power to you, but I can’t see how it can be beneficial to any brand.
Katie, I wanted to say I think you and Jeremy are wise to have the boundaries you do. My husband is a pastor, so I suppose we might be considered more conservative than many, but we’re very real people just like everyone else. We will soon celebrate our 40th anniversary. We long ago adopted boundaries to protect our marraige and reputations. My husband is NEVER alone with a woman. This means if a woman is alone on an elevator he will wait for the next one. He will not ride alone in a car with a woman. He does not counsel women alone or outside of office hours when other staff are nearby. He keeps the door open at all times. On the days only one of his office staff is in he works from home. It isn’t that he doesn’t trust himself or that I don’t trust him; it’s about NEVER putting himself in a position where he could be accused of something inappropriate that could destroy our marriage, our family and our ministry. Neither of us would ever have lunch with a friend or church member of the opposite sex alone. We do not share deep personal feelings with friends or co-workers of the opposite sex. Every relationship started out as a “friendship”. It’s all too easy for things to cross the line and become something inappropriate.
As a ministry couple we’ve had front row seats to so many marriages destroyed when what seemed innocent in the beginning became something very different. We’ve even witnessed situations of housesharing that had tragic consequences. In one situation a pastor befriended a man who was struggling with substance abuse. He and hiw wife compassionately invited him to live in their home while he got his life straightened out. The man was often home alone with the wife while the pastor was working. She ultimately left her husband and 4 children to be with the other man. Good intentions, but tragic consequences.
Having boundaries isn’t about “insecurity”. It’s about honoring and esteeming our spouses above all other relationships and doing everything within our power to protect that relationship, as well as giving no one reason to question our integrity. I’m encouraged when I hear of younger couples who recognize the importance of boundaries. I only had to look at the pictire of your combined kids to know what was at stake if something innapropriate had started while sharing your home with your friends.
Thanks for sharing. I have spent some time living with others. Communication is very important. We often think people think like us and do things the way we do. Then when they do something different we wonder what is going on. I have failed to communicate somethings that I thought were common sense only to find out it wasn’t common sense to them.
Also, I want to encourage you and your husband for setting a standard that is above reproach. My husband and I try to do the same. I trust him 100%. For us it is not awkward. If I go to my friend’s house and she isn’t there, then I am not going to hang out with her husband. I will just catch up with her later. It is easy to say “It doesn’t matter what other people think.” but most people make decisions all day long based on how they want to be perceived but others. (even if it that they want to be perceived as a person who doesn’t care what others think)
I disagree with another commenter that a cheater will find a way. Most affairs are not planned, but between two people who spend time together, whether at work or wherever, and out of that an attraction grows. It is human nature to be attracted to other people besides your spouse. It is up to you to not act on it, which often means not putting yourself in the situation to begin with, or taking yourself out. This has been written in books for years. People are looking for a reason to pick you apart.
HI Katie and Family, wow! you set the cat among the pigeons again with this post!
Surely the fact that some of the commenters disagree with the whole ‘boundary’ issue reinforces the point you were making about communication!
What if you were completely fine with anyone/anywhere/anytime but the other couple were not? Surely that would mean a conversation??
I think they seem to be missing the point which you (clearly) made: communication is key in this situation regardless of the subject matter.
Wether I agree or disagree with the whole boundary issue is irrelevant, i completely agree with the communication/open and frank discussion needed to ensure that everyone is comfortable in their living arrangements.
I think I just repeated the same thing 3 times 😉
oh, well. Keep up the good work
D x
Yes. The fact is I don’t want to tell other people what their boundaries should be…just that it’s a smart tip to talk about that topic beforehand so that nothing is awkward later 🙂
xo – kb
We live in a world that has gossips….whether they go to church or not. And I can trust my husband in a room with another woman…I can’t trust that people will take something innocent and twist it out of context. I think this whole discussion pretty much establishes my point about our boundary….any situation can be twisted by gossips (gossip is what GOMI is at it’s very core) so we set up a boundary to eliminate potentially harmful gossip for our relationships. It is inappropriate to say I don’t trust my husband….you don’t know us. And I do think this can be helpful even if it’s not beneficial to brands or you. I stand by that.
xo – kb
I agree…like I said in the post, we are very conservative and we live in a conservative area. We don’t want to tell other’s what their boundaries should be but we do encourage thinking about that and talking about it with your partner/house mates.
xo – kb
Obviously that is tongue in cheek – the striking vows thing – the point I was making was it’s important to establish trust WITH communication…I believe those two things go hand in hand. I do think that gossip can harm people…both their reputation and their job situations and their relationships. I have seen it happen. And I also think that it’s funny that you say I sound worried about what others think of me when I openly shared a non-popular conservative boundary online. If I was worried…I would not have shared it…I just want to have people understand that communication is always a healthy way to approach house sharing.
xo – kb
Right now the goal is to finish it to make it comfortable. We want to completely set up the space for what our original plans were – a very short-term temporary space for maybe missionaries or family in need (like if someone had a house fire or had a tragedy strike). Jeremy’s parents have already asked if they could use it short-term if they were to ever move to our area. They would need a space while renovating/building. So yeah…we definitely have ideas. For the immediate goal – we always host Thanksgiving and so we need to prep it for any guests 🙂
xo – kb
I don’t think it’s too “bizarre” to have the boundaries for the couples. No one thinks it could happen to them, but you often hear they were “best friends”, and she hooked up with the other’s husband or visa versa. Remember the Shania Twain situation? Well, my sister’s close friend had the same scenario occur. The two couples had two kids each, all girls. They would travel together and hang out a lot. My friend’s hubby hooked up with her bestie. They were still all buddy buddy for 6 months or so, meanwhile cheating their brains out. Finally, they got busted. “They just couldn’t live without each other,” of course. You can imagine how it affected the kids. And true to the Shania fiasco, my sister’s friend is now going very strong with the other guy! So there, all of you who doubt if this could place!! Also, I think your friends should be so indebted to you guys and pay forward or do something special for you. To not have to pay rent for that much time, boy , you could sock away some cash! Anyway, God bless you for having the gift of hospitality!
Katie – I love your transparency. I consider myself conservative and I was raised in a conservative town. I agree with you 100% on the spousal boundary. My parents and my in-laws are in the same boat on this topic. Some people just look for reasons to tear other people apart….
God Bless!:-)
My concern with that boundary you and Jeremy have is, what if you’re not home and he is and there’s some sort of emergency in the basement. If the wife downstairs calls because she has a pipe that is leaking water everywhere, what happens then? Does Jeremy have to wait until either you or the husband come home? Does he have to tell her to go outside so he can go in there and take care of the problem? I think in this situation it’s odd to me because these people were your friends before they moved in. They were your friends when Jeremy proposed to you. I think if it were a couple who you just met, then sure it’s different.
What is GOMI?
Amen!!! The precious children! You are correct in every way!!! I know from personal experience, sadly, as I fell for the temptations! Thank the Lord, it was before I had children, and my marriage survived!
I totally agree!
Very true!!
Bravo Katie! I love your blog and have followed forever. I was very interested in this post because we have also house-shared and this would have been such a helpful post to read beforehand! We learned so many things and had we been better prepared, I think we could have avoided many issues.
I applaud your convictions and stance as well. The fact that a select few people are thrown by your boundaries is never surprising. You have handled yourself so well with some of these comments. Not sure I could muster the same politeness. My husband and I have the same boundaries. And it obviously has nothing to do with trust. I trust my husband 100% and he also trusts me, but boundaries are important. These specific boundaries help protect and prevent. I don’t think it shows distrust at all, in my opinion it shows a deep love for your spouse so much that you want to protect him and yourself and your family. Thank you for sharing!!!!!
I have to admit that I was surprised to read your “never alone with the opposite sex” boundary. But then I remembered that your friend is a pastor, and I’m sure that even the slightest bit of idle gossip (even totally unfounded) could destroy his career.
On a separate note… I thought I remembered (from a long-ago post) that Jeremy’s office was in the basement, so he could work without the kids disrupting him. Where has he been working while the basement was occupied? Or does he not work from home anymore?
He switched to a laptop so now he does like I do and sit in our bedroom sitting room.
xo – kb
A gossip site that talks about bloggers 🙁
xo – kb
What a blessing it was for both of you to share a space for 9 months. Great advice here.
It’s excellent advice to clarify boundaries ahead of time with the other family. If Jeremy works from home and the female friend was around a lot, that’s potentially a lot of time together, possibly alone. It’s wise to just say ahead of time lets not even mess with a storyline like that, real or perceived.
It’s not a lack of trust or weak morals, it’s reality. A majority of people who have affairs say that they never intended for it to happen, and almost 60% of men and 40% of women say they were happy in their marriages before the affair. It’s a time spent equation for the most part. I literally spend more hours with my coworkers than I do my husband, so it’s not bizarre or overly sensitive of me to make choices that keep my relationship with my husband as the most valuable.
For every person that can tell personal stories about how they have an opposite sex BFF or work closely and travel with coworkers of the opposite sex and have zero problems, there are just as many stories with the exact same storyline that ended in an affair. No one is immune and as it’s likely the most important relationship in your life, it’s wise to take steps to keep it that way.
I TOTALLY agree with your decision about who you’re alone with. Why can’t people just respect your choices and beliefs?
Yes! Glad you have some sane readers too! 🙂
Seriously though, no one is saying you shouldn’t be careful of friendships that supersede the relationship or intimacy with your spouse. I get that and I think it applies to male and female friends (my relationship with my best girlfriend should not be closer than that of me and my husband either), but no friendships at all? What the heck are you all even talking about? If you’re all that afraid that conversing with the opposite sex is such a close border between innocent and wanting to jump on each other then we all may as well breakout the burkas now. Seems like some of the consertive, church folk have some dirty minds.
Bravo Katie!
I think that the point about discussing relationship boundaries was a really good one. Sharing a house is a very different situation that brings unique circumstances compared to usual day-to-day situations. I applaud you for realizing this and acting in a way that would protect your marriage/ reputation/ etc. and that of your friends.
PS- I’m impressed with your handling of the comments on this one.
I think that is where trust comes into play! And that trust is grounded in communication. Again…we said that this was just OUR boundary and we don’t put it on anyone else…it strikes me funny that so many people are concerned with our personal decision!
xo – kb
I definitely have that on the list 🙂
xo – kb
They were kind to us and we feel indebted to them in certain ways. The boys got to have playmates (and girls no less!) that they wouldn’t have otherwise have over the summer. They were very patient with us and I am sure that there were certain things that we did that drove them crazy! We feel like they owe us nothing….except maybe a house tour when their house is all set up 🙂
xo – kb
I appreciate your honesty with this post. You have a generous spirit, and I’m glad house sharing didn’t break you of that.
I consider myself fairly liberal, and when I read your boundaries, it did surprise me, but having read your comments here, I see where you are coming from and it makes sense.
When I was little, my babysitter had a best friend and they often did things as couples. Somewhere along the way an affair happened and my babysitter did end up marrying her BF husband. The friend was able to move on, but my babysitter’s husband never could. He was a bitter, broken man and his daughters never forgave their mom. It’s a tale as old as time. It is best not to put yourselves in those situations.
I am confused….who said “no friendships at all”?
xo – kb
No independent friendships from your spouse, or no friendships with the opposite sex unless your spouse is present.
Oh my god to the comments above.
I think what you said about boundaries, we all make. Just that some people lack the maturity.
We are originally from India, and i completely understand your thought. I think in any religion, showing respect comes in many ways and forms. This is one such situation to address too. Its more a Respectful act. And every person needs to know their limits aka boundaries.
Good on you for keeping things crystal clear aka having clarity in thoughts and letting your spouse know about any concerns is what makes a marriage successful.
Good Job!
I’ve been a fan of your blog for years, Katie, thank you for your transparency as you share your life with us! I never read comments on posts, but as I was scrolling down because I wanted to comment on this great post, I saw some of the back and forth. I completely understand and respect where you are coming from on your boundaries with the opposite sex. Most people don’t set out to have an affair, boundaries help ensure they don’t happen and I feel that I show my husband respect by taking active steps to protect our marriage. I know I appreciate when he does the same. I am in 100% agreement with you.
I originally meant to comment to thank you for this post insanely helpful post. I feel like at some point my husband and I will share our house with another family and I’ve bookmarked this for that day. My husband is more of an “everything will be fine” kind of person, which is a great balance for me, but this has so many good thoughts, would be a good conversation starter.
Thank you for putting yourself out there! Your blog is the first blog I read every day there is a new post.
Keep fighting the good fight!
Ultimately, this is YOUR house, YOUR family, YOUR beliefs, YOUR house “rules”, etc.. The arrangements work for you. This is simply put, because it is that simple! I live nowhere near you (Michigan) but would LOVE to hang out with both of you. Having you and Jeremy together would be the best package deal I ever got! 🙂
Like I said before, we are friends with other individuals (I have plenty of girlfriends and him guy friends) but why is it necessary that I have individual guy friendships apart from Jeremy? Jeremy is my best friend – I like him there. You may choose differently but for me, I can group hang and that is where I am happiest.
xo kb
Sometimes I wonder if I should move to Florida but if it’s also bible belt, I think I’ll stay out here in the liberal, wild west.
I (nonjudgmentally) did find the ‘never alone’ stuff interesting but to be honest I was more confused by the references to liability and it got me thinking, how would I respond to other parents overriding my decision in regard to bike helmets on my kids? I’m glad I never had to find out because I think I’d have trouble with it, and with friends asking me to keep their acres free of toys, possibly. I would expect even a ‘free ride’ type arrangement to be more of a compromise situation, with mutual respect for others’ parenting and lifestyles. But I’ve never had good results from sharing homes or employers with family or friends.
That’s good it worked out ok for you in the end. I can’t help but wonder if the other family really feels entirely good about the experience and I guess that’s partly why I’m commenting. If they read and feel ‘called out’, I would rather they see that at least some of us see both sides and might also choose to move out earlier than planned.
Which is not to be critical of your choices. To each his own! I wouldn’t want everyone to be like me. I respect different viewpoints.
Not that it matters, but I completely agree with your comments about boundaries I practice similar boundaries in my marriage; we’re protecting what’s ours, right? With that being said, it’s odd that you would post pictures of your husband on Instagram that obviously have women fawning, maybe even lusting, over the same man that you’re trying to protect by setting the boundaries you’ve discussed in this post. It seems contradictory. It’s possible you haven’t realized that and I truly feel like you would never intentionally act in that way.
Wow, people really are interested in how your marriage works! I realize you are a blogger and put yourself out there but how does your experience and relationship affect any one else? You do you!!
Would you ever put it up on AirBnB or something like that? Or maybe market it as a short-term corporate rental?
And I thought your post was honest and candid, not oversharing. We all have our God-given talents and we should try to help the maximum amount of people with our talents. You’re doing that by sharing what you’ve learned through your experiences. Nothing wrong with that. Keep on being you!
Have to side with Katie on this one. This is not an insecurity issue, it’s adults engaging in a healthy relationship. To some, protecting their marriage is worth far more than the price of an awkward (as some people have described) conversation. In realty, given these two couples share a similar view on the issue, this was probably a very easy conversation to hold.
You seem to be very naive about temptation and have very limited understanding of how infidelity happens. Your trust in someone is completely irrelivent to their behavior in any event or series of events.
Your assumption must be that one who cheats is a chronic cheater, or one that is looking to cheat whenever given the opportunity. In reality, studies have shown that many individuals who engage in infidelity have self described “good or great” marriages. They become involved in casual relationships with the opposite sex. 9/10 instances of infidelity happen between co-workers due to the amount of time spent in close proximity. Understanding this, can you see why two couples intending to live in the same home for months would guard their marriages and set boundaries?
Gomi blowing up? LOL – I wonder what the Bowers response to this is…. probably something along the lines of “thanks for the page clicks $uckuhs!!! Lol so lame.
People buying or not buying a product based on this topic?? Please take off your tinfoil hat sweetheart.
Do you feel comfortable describing in which ways you are conservative? There is a huge spectrum between conservative and liberal and it can mean so many different things! Plus some people are only conservative or liberal in some aspects. Just curious!
Oh great, so people who like gossip read that site so they can pop in on a blog to start a fight? Katie, I hope you know your regular followers know better than to get this bent out shape over something that’s just a difference in opinion. Sorry for all the crap you’re getting. You keep doing you (which I know you will) and forget the judgements. You have a beautiful marriage based on trust and COMMUNICATION. No one has I right to judge it.
Haha! I promise I won’t post naked photos 🙂
xo – kb
We haven’t considered that.
xo – kb
Conservative in some things – not all. That’s hard to answer!
xo – kb
I usually don’t comment either & I do enjoy your blog, but wow, your viewponts kinda threw me for a loop! Probably bc I’m more liberal, but it got me to thinking about relationships outside my marriage, etc., and whether I may have inadvertently stepped over a “boundary” or offended anyone. To each his/her own.
I agree with Mary a few comments up, though. If these were good friends of yours, sharing this much stuff about the whole experience online seems odd to me. Telling someone else’s kids to put a helmet on – I get it- but publishing that here for all to read might have been humiliating to your friend. Same thing with the toys in the yard.
I think it is bizarre that so many people think that setting boundaries in a marriage is bizarre. 😉 I completely agree with your opposite-sex boundaries and think that they are very wise.
xoxo
GREAT post – thanks for the info. We currently live in a household with 3 different generations of adults/almost adults . . . and I agree with everything you’ve written. Communication is definitely key. And FYI our arrange ment – ages 91, 62, 62, 18, and 17 is working out really well because of LOTS of communication.
Katie, I found this post fascinating. Was hoping you would publish a follow up to this living situation. Don’t quite know how to ask this, but I wonder if you could ask Brook to ‘write’ a post from her perspective? I fully realize YOU are the blogger and put your life out here and she is not. Just wondering how her experience would relate to yours.
I, too, would be very interested in this type of post. Feeling a little nervous about making the jump from 1 to 2 in May (although they’ll be 2 years apart), so it’d be great to see how someone handles double that number that are only a year apart (I know Will and Weston are further apart in age, but 3 stairsteps is still mindblowing to me).
Someone doesn’t have to be naked for someone to lust over. And yes any picture of your husband someone could lust over. But that is the underlying point of all your Instagrams recently. You may want to have a sponsorship for clothes, but you focus about how “hot” he is, and the response is everyone tell you how hot and sexy he is. It just seems contradictory, you are inviting women to lust over your husband, so you can do a sponsor post. And I respect your conservative views, just see seems contrary to what you are doing on Instagram.
can i just add, to all those commenting ‘you must not trust your husband’ —
i trust my husband completely, but i know way too many women who do not care if a man is in a relationship or married (or worse, even find those men to be more appealing).
We live in North Carolina, definitely the Bible Belt. Let me tell you, it’s not all Bible Belt. When we moved here in 2006, into a neighborhood that was all new – we were invited to a sex toy party, numerous traveling wine parties (going from house to house and stop when you get trashed), and our hood even has a street with swingers on it!
Huge dose of reality, just because it’s the Bible Belt doesn’t mean there aren’t tons of transplants that have a different moral compass than you might!
Excuse my boldness but I do not post instagrams of my husband so that I can do a sponsored post or send an invitation to the masses to tell me how sexy he is. I post instagrams of my husband because Instagram for MILLIONS of people is a way to share photos of their lives and families….HE IS MY LIFE AND FAMILY. In the same respect….this mentality would be the same as my children….I don’t post instagrams of my children so that people say how “HOT” they are and I am not in charge of their response. The same would be for ANYONE who instagrams a picture of themselves. He is modest in all the photos and not doing anything indecent. I don’t tell followers how to feel, what to say or otherwise. I do link up clothing so that people can stop asking me the same questions over and over but to imply that I am trying to get women to lust over my husband is inappropriate and disrespectful.
xo – kb
Katie’s point has been made crystal-clear by all: boundaries (especially related to close contact with others of the opposite gender) can be very, VERY different. What if Jeremy or the other couple felt totally different about alone time across genders and it wasn’t communicated? At a minimum, there would have been a lot of hurt feelings, if not a loss of friendship and a very awkward living situation. It is fine to have different guidelines in your own relationships than what the Bowers have chosen, but you could still follow Katie’s advice and communicate those rules with one another.
It isn’t for us as readers of Katie’s FREE blog content to criticize a very small detail that she gave as an example of a larger point. There is absolutely no purpose in doing that – do you think you’re going to change her mind? (newsflash: nope.) She is happy in her marriage and shouldn’t have to defend the choices they make that are working quite well for them, although she has done a great job of that here.
KB, it has been a rough last week of criticism between this and the accidental project repeat Thank you for writing for us. I hope all the negativity hasn’t brought you down!
Erin, most cheaters are not planning to cheat. Your statement, ” If someone is going to cheat, they will find a way” is not true at all. Most cheating occurs after a friendship forms. This is something that I personally experienced, and even though I trusted him 100%, he still cheated on me. That relationship started off harmless – they were coworkers and occasionally went to lunch together. Several commenters here have said that their spouses work with the opposite sex and it isn’t an issue in their relationship because they trust their husband 100%. I used to be that person. I trusted him completely, but cheating can happen to anyone. One way to protect your marriage is to set boundaries, which Katie and Jeremy have wisely done.
I am not naive, just a different point of view. You can carry on with your life as you see fit, as will Katie. I firmly stand that it is a normal part of life to have friends of the opposite sex, and to interact with them, with or without my spouse there. Some people need to establish parameters for what is “healthy” for them, I don’t see the need. We both love and trust each other. Both have successful careers working with many members of the opposite sex, sometimes for long days. We both came into our relationship with friends of the opposite sex, and also gained some along the way. We also have gay friends of the opposite sex. Which brings up my other point. Where is the worry with a male being around another male? A female with a female? Homosexuality is a reality and came happen later in life as well. Just curious what the standpoint was on this as it was not addressed.
Honestly, to each their own. It is obvious that neither side is going to agree.
Erin
I’m a little late on this discussion here but I just wanted to agree with Katie’s decision on not being alone with her friend’s husband. No married person should want the appearance of evil in their marriage. It isn’t that I don’t trust my spouse or he doesn’t trust me, it is that I respect our marriage and I respect him in that I would never want anyone to think otherwise. I work in an environment that is 95% males and I do go to lunch with my male coworkers but only in a group of 3 or more. I would never go to lunch with a male coworker alone, and luckily my coworkers that are my lunch buddies feel the same way. We occasionally text afterhours or on weekends if something comes up at work, or about a football game (what can I say, we live in the South where football is life), but we never text about personal life. We do discuss our lives but we are very careful to never speak negatively about our spouse – even as much as complaining about something simple. One complaint to a listening or sympathetic ear can turn into more, and then you have a shoulder to cry on, and then it can lead to more! I’ve seen it happen many times! Don’t think your marriage is in the clear – I know several who have had affairs with coworkers, best friends, brother-in-law, etc. Just do not put yourself in a position for it to happen! I have been remarried for 10 years now and I don’t recall my husband & I ever verbally discussing these “rules” or boundaries but we just did them from the beginning. It may be more natural for us living in the Bible Belt though and I wouldn’t trade it for anything!
Great post. We are actually moving into our in-law house next month for 6 months with myself, husband, 15 mo old daughter and 2 dogs! You definitely brought up things I hadn’t thought about like parking and mail! Thanks for the informative post!
Agreed. Erin you sound like you are involved in a sound and happy marriage. I don’t think anyone here would categorize yours or your husbands relationships with the opposite sex as bizarre or abnormal by societal standards. As you say….it’s quite normal. But statistically speaking, you could say the same about divorce and infidelity. Your marriage has survived despite your willingness to spend lots of alone time with the opposite gender, not because of it.
I’ve never commented here before (or on any blog for that matter) but I am compelled to say that GOMI is an awful, hateful site. I don’t mind a bit of sh*t talking and all but they are extreme. I don’t understand why they are all such AWFUL human beings. Why even read a blog if you hate it so much? Why even waste your time? I honestly hope you don’t read that site, Katie.
I don’t. But I don’t think they all are bad people….I am sure some of them just have no idea what to do with their time 🙂
xo – kb
It’s just so strange to assume the expectation of the worst when a married person is alone with the opposite sex. If two couples were house sharing and I walked in to the opposite sex of each relationship in the same room, I wouldn’t automatically assume that something inappropriate was going on — completely the opposite! Knowing that both were married, I would assume it was completely innocent. But perhaps I’m not as conservative as your friends.
I typically love your blog, but I agree that this post was a bit off. It really did come of as if something had gone wrong with your arrangement, and it’s almost like you’re accusing your conservative peers of being gossipy. I assume you trust your husband implicitly, and you seem to say in the post that the only reason two unmarried members of the opposite sex shouldn’t be together alone is to avoid rumors.
They can’t all be winners, I guess, but I just had to put in my two cents. It has never occurred to me to find it strange for my husband to be alone with another woman in a purely platonic way.
Reading this post late, I have to say these comments make for a very interesting read! My husband’s best friend since third grade is a woman (we’re now all in our late 30s), and we both have close friends of varying genders and sexual orientations (adding to the whole opposite-sex boundary being a bit broader of an idea). I am a firm believer in to-each-their-own, so from an outsider’s perspective, if everyone involved agrees to the terms written about in this post = awesome! I have no desire or need to apply it to my own life = equally awesome. Again, as an outsider to this approach, I have always found the word choices for the reasoning a bit curious, ala avoiding rumors, appearances, what others might think, etc. I naively assume (again, me not belonging to a similar community or upbringing), people talk anyway and/or would never know for sure if these rules are being enforced, etc. I understand the agreement to be an issue of reassurance and an expression of respect within this particular community. Honestly, it’s a bit fascinating from someone who is in the camp that’s more “Meh, who cares? I trust everyone important to me and they trust me, so I don’t give any thought to what anyone else might think (I certainly don’t wonder about anyone else’s marriage – no one ever knows but the two people who are in it anyway)”. No real question here – again, just a bit interesting!
HI Katie-
We are hosting a foreign exchange student starting this weekend for 6 months. Since you house shared with a family- i am wondering if you think these same guidelines would work for an individual (ie teenager!)
You know…I have absolutely no experience with that! I think that the key is to always be cognitive of protecting your family and your guest. In most situations I say “Hope for the best, prepare for the worst” – not to be a pessimistic but to be a realist that sometimes the poo can hit the fan and with good communication you can prevent that!
xo – kb
Great tips! We have had a couple situations with longer term house guests and we quickly learned that upfront communication is the key! The first time ended in a complete disaster because timeline and boundaries weren’t discussed up front. A more recent experience worked really well where everything was discussed up front.
Holy cow. I am home sharing with my parents after they sold their home and are looking for a new one to move into. I think it’s going well, they get to see their granddaughter everyday and my mom is a huge help in the kitchen. I understand what you are saying about needing to communicate more too. I decided to read the comments to see if other readers had any tips – Was not prepared for all of the negative comments about boundaries,.. As far as not being alone with a member of the opposite sex, I’m thinking this must just be a regional difference… Personally, I would think nothing of it, but either way, chill out people. Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and should be able to do whatever they are comfortable with… Geesh!