Originally written on July 31, 2009
Jeremy was watching the slideshow.
I was watching Jeremy. only out of the corner of my eye though. I am tricksy like that.
finally the last photo came up.
Jeremy mumbled, “Oh, that’s a nice photo”. Apparently he had never seen a pee stick before. Which is a good thing because it’s not the kinda thing you want your husband to be familar with.
Then the question popped up. “Will you be my baby-daddy?” loomed on the screen. Billie Jean was playing softly in the background.
“what?”
“what?”
“WHAT?!”
“ARE YOU PREGNANT?” – he full on turned to me. I tried to hold back the tears. I really tried.
I just nodded and somehow squeeked out, “Ah-huh…”
“SERIOUSLY?!?!”
no – not seriously Jeremy. This was an elaborate stunt meant to make you cater to my every evil whim.
“Yeeup.” there was no holding back the tears now. Did I ever mention that I am a basket case? Because I am.
In one swift motion, my dear boyfriend was on his feet, arms in the air, fists balled up, face to the sky. Loudly he shouts,
“YEEESSS!!! MY STUFF WORKS!!!!”
Laughter poured out of me. I couldn’t help it. His joy…his proclamation…the look on his face. Laughter was free – intertwined with the tears that were running down my cheeks. It was exactly what I needed. What I wanted. What I thought would not happen. Somehow the mental picture of him crushed, bleeding, and hardly breathing under the weight of this announcement was evaporated. Gone. And somehow it gave me a chance to breath. but only momentarily. That moment I was able to pull in some life-giving oxygen. oh…that breath was sweet.
Jeremy scooped me up, held me, squeezed my torso like a two-year-old grips a bunny or a dog or a new fuzzy pet…just a little too tight for said fuzzies comfort. In seconds, I realized that I was shaking from the ordeal. Somehow I had turned from this young girl who contained a scary secret to a soon-to-be-mother-turned-fuzzy-creature who realized that there was no turning back. The secret was out. There was no way to retract it. Like a confession caught on tape. It’s amazing how a few seconds can completely change you. It was much like I imagine Britney felt when she realized that she actually married Kevin Federline.
Previously, I had been trying to hold this in. Stuggling with the truth of it. Slightly denying the reality of the situation. But mostly holding back this announcement. Attempting to not blurt it out like I would phrases such as ’I just farted’ or ‘I guess I’ll go to the grocery store’ or ‘Nothing ever fits’. I wanted it to be special for him. Something full of joy. And it was. But somehow this event suddenly altered me. This announcement signified the future change. And I do not deal well with change. Even little changes. Moves, deaths, relationships, every small change in my life is always greeted with an overwhelming sense of anxiety and worry. Fear is the constant companion of change in my life. And I don’t know how to fight it.
This was no different. As I sat on his lap, curled up in the fetal position, I knew that it would be a matter of seconds, moments, a blink of an eye for me to open those flood gates and tell him that I was scared poop-less. I needed him to reassure me. To tell me that everything was going to be alright. To whisper that he couldn’t wait to come to the appointments with me and to learn how to swaddle or wipe or breastfeed. That I wasn’t it this alone. It wasn’t so much that I was nervous about taking care of a baby. I had babysat. I had a good mom who taught me. I had helped my little sister when she had Cole. I was mostly nervous about the pregnancy.
Pregnancy. It was as foreign to me as pap smears are to boys. This was my body and I never had to share it with another human if I didn’t want to. Surely not for days, weeks or months on end. And now, curled up like an oversized cat on the lap of my husband I could only think about the parasitic dinobug that was growing inside of me.
I should have never watched Alien. It was never more clear than that moment.
And then the tears began. I basically unloaded on Jeremy. Vomiting the emotional rollercoaster. No restraint. Just every fear and worry and stress came pouring out my mouth. Poor guy just found out that he knocked up his wife and now two minutes later, she is puking her guts into his brain. How could he possibly react?! He was still in shock that he could actually procreate. Wasn’t it just moments earlier that he was celebrating Rocky-style in the living room? Didn’t he say that he was so excited and happy and that he felt so much closer to me now? Didn’t he assure me that everything would be fine? That I would be a great mom?
But somehow I was looking for specific words. Specific questions. I needed very distinct phrases to come out of his mouth. And I knew while the thoughts were formulating in my brain that I was being unfair. How could I expect him to say EXACTLY what I was thinking. I had been dwelling on this change for days. He had mere seconds to come up with a response. And that is when I realized that telling my sweet boyfriend about our dinobug wasn’t the big announcement. This big announcement was really a warning in disguise. An all-sirens-go warning that my sweet boyfriend was about to witness 9+ months of emotional meltdowns from his wife who just transitioned from denial to anger to remorse before his baby-blue eyes.
We went to bed in an awkward mood. Or maybe that was just me.
The next morning I got a phone call at work. It was his voice. He never calls while I am at work. I knew that it was a sweet gesture but in my heart I was still harboring those feelings of isolation. I felt alone. All alone. Like I would need to google pregnancy crap until my fingers bled, cracked and finally fell off. The rest of the day I thought about all the things that would be coming soon…a doctors appointment, telling family, friends, work, gaining mass amounts of weight, possible morning sickness, cravings, birthing training, decisions, stress, everything. And I would have to do it all fingerless. My body felt fifty pounds heavier.
When I got home, Jeremy ran out to meet me. His smile…that crazy addictive grin…and those bright blue eyes that only turned deeper blue against that navy ballcap, lit up our cluttered garage. He pulled me in for another fluffy animal squeeze. I could barely breathe. But then he did something that really took my breath away.
“I can’t wait Katie.” enter immediate tears. ”I will be there every single step of the way.” I opened my mouth just so that I could suck in an one more ounce of oxygen. ”I can’t wait to be at Lamaze class with you and at the doctor’s office and just everything.” His eyes were twinkling. Was he somehow reading my mind? It was like he knew exactly what I was struggling with…exactly what I was scared of…that exact moment, I lost 50 pounds. Fifty pounds gained and lost in 24 hours. And let me tell you, Jenny Craig would have been jealous. It was sweet beautiful relief.
“I am going to take such good care of you.” he whispered. what words. what beautiful needed words. And then in one brief moment, I realized that I was smiling. Smiling at the thought that we might actually be able to get through this. Smiling at the thought of a baby. Smiling at us.
What a wonderful story. I’m 6 months and I still get a little worried at what is in store for us. Knowing that your partner in life is there with you to support you makes it seem a bit easier. Trust me when I say you will be fine. You will surprise yourself at how ready you actually are once the pregnancy is in full swing. Feel fress to ask questions if you like.
take care,
Lisa
That was the sweetest thing I ever read. You’re a very lucky woman (but you knew that already).
Dude! I dont even know you and I’m freakin balling right now! That was so beautiful. It’s so great that you’ll have these thougths in writing forever. Just brought me right back to my moment when I told my husband that I was pregnant. I burst into tears but didnt even understand why. And he was so sweet and comforting. I was scared too. All those “what if’s.” You don’t have to worry. This is YOUR baby. You will know what to do. Get your rest and MILK IT FOR ALL IT’s WORTH sister! You are going to be so great. You and Jeremy both.
That was so beautifully written! Your love is shooting right through the computer. I can feel it!
I am sitting at my desk at work crying. You should write a book. This description and the previous blog entries about you finding out about Little Bower have been so vivid. It’s like I was there with you, feeling the same things you were.
And I hope that the day I am pregnant, my husband pumps his fists in the air too. That was just amazing.
Thank you for sharing such intimate thoughts.
And seriously, yay for being pregnant!
little tears. at work. omg. too cute.
boy you sure know how to make a girl tear up at work, and get goosebumps! GEEZ! What a great chpater! It is OK to be scared, but just remember that your boyfriend will be there for you! You will be a great mom, and I know this without even knowing you! A picture ran into my head when reading this and I honestly felt like a little mouse in your house – in the corner of course. you 2 are amamzing and what a great journey you have before you!
I cried about 10 times reading this post. I can only hope my husband responds the same when I get knocked up and break the news! Congratulations you two!
I was just about in tears reading this
and had to pretend that my eyes were
watering as colleagues were looking at me!!
Congratulations to you both.
I’m de-lurking to tell you how happy I am for you both! I love reading your blog. You crack me up every time! CONGRATS!
Okay Katie… I don’t even “know” you and I am at my desk crying…real tears… 🙂 And my baby was born over 5 months ago so I can’t even blame it on being pregnant!
Oh man, reading this brings back so many memeories. I had ALWAYS wanted to be a mother – before anything else. After three years of not getting pregnant, I found out that I was and I was terrified. I thought I would jump and scream and wail and cry. But I was stunned. I was very somber about it all (and I am NOT a somber person). Even up until the birth – I understood the gravity of the situation, but didn’t allow myself to understand the pure joy of the situation because of my fear. I have to admit that even after he was born it was more of the same. I can’t believe I’m about to celebrate his first birthday, and I am not afraid. I know that you know that there is no more pure joy than looking into the eyes of your child that you made with your boyfriend whom you love more than anyone. Pretty fantastic. Don’t worry, you’ll screw up – but it’s all worth it!
Katie, what a beautiful story. I haven’t been pregnant yet, but in some crazy way I feel like I can totally relate to all your thoughts all over the place, like, um yes, I could see myself saying that, and oh that and yes that. I have been saying this every time but thanks so much for sharing your journey, as someone who hopes to start a family in the next few years it is so good to hear someone be so real and relatable about their experience. You guys ROCK and I am soooooo excited for you!!!
that was beautifully written… it made me “awww” out loud… congrats on the upcoming baby!
Oh Katie, I’m crying at work! Oh, what a sweet story. What a sweet, sweet boyfriend! I enjoyed reading that so much. Thank you for sharing!
This is the best thing I think you’ve written yet! I think this is how we all feel when we get that positive test- planned or not its HUGE! My husband just stared into space and said “whoa, this is big, this is bigger than getting married, you can GET OUT OF THAT.” Which is how I always dreamt that moment to be. (we tried for 7 months and this was his reaction)- anyway- what I’m saying is your boyfriend is amazing and so are you. You two are going to be the best team. I hope the baby gets your since of humor! Congrats.
Okay seriously, I’m at work at that just had me in tears! Thanks alot! LOL 😉 That was so well written Katie. Have you ever thought of writing (as in novels) as a career? You’d be great at it — you had me lingering at every word waiting for the next! This is such a sweet sweet story. I so enjoy reading these every day. My hubby and i are also trying for a baby and this just makes me want a dinobug of my own even more lol. Love it!! 🙂
Crying at my desk reading this entire post! So adorable and so exciting – congratulations!
Yup, made me cry at work. For once I’m glad my desk is isolated from my coworkers! Beautiful story; thank you so much for sharing it. Can’t wait to hear more as your new adventure unfolds!
Man, thanks a lot for making a girl cry at work! That’s a beautiful story. I have imagined myself in the same situation many times and wondered what my husband would say and how he would react. I’m so happy for you guys!!
Please give a disclaimer before you post a tearjerker! I work in a cubical and there are people around watching me! That is so sweet and I only hope that my husband can react like that when I get to tell him that news one day! This all is so suspenseful! I cant wait to read all of the stories! Congrats!
you are too precious!!
I love your story! I felt the exact same way when I found out I was pregnant. It was crazy reading your story and it was like you put my exact feelings in words. Congratulations! It’s scary, but when you’re holding little baby Bower you’ll think… that wasn’t so bad! 🙂
This was the post I have been waiting for ever since you made your big Mummy Announcement! To be honest, I would have the same reaction as you, and I would hope my hubby would be exactly like your Baby Daddy! I cant wait to meet the new little Bower!
Ok, this is mortifying – but your post totally brought tears to my eyes. Dammit! I thought I could count on you to always be hilarious! Just kidding. You still made me laugh, but this story is too sweet for words. You two are so fortunate to have each other!!
Oh my lord. I cried while reading this. And just know, it will keep getting better. Just the other day, hubby said to me (after a very trying week), “It just makes me so happy to come home and see you pregnant.”
Omigosh add me to the crying at work list. This was so sweet 🙂
All I have to say is “awww”.
you brought tears to my eyes! this is such a great story, and you’re so blessed to have such a wonderful husband. you guys are going to be just fine. 🙂 congratulations!
Oh my goodness this is beautiful!! Seriously holding back tears right now…(at work)…love it! I’m so glad you are sharing this with us, I’m so living vicariously through you as we probably won’t start trying for another two years…I can’t freaking wait!!!
Great Story….Congrats to you both. I’m pumped he is so excited!
OHHH! I should NOT have read this at work because I almost had tears. I had to stuff them back down. So sweet Katie! I hope that God’s beautiful miracle is a blessing to you and your family.
Sounds like your boyfriend is a keeper!
Good lord woman my uterus just yelled at me, what a story! Congrats
What a great post!! And I just love your sense of humor…it’s the best!
You two will be wonderful “dinobug” parents. I look forward to following ya’lls journey 🙂
What a feeling! sweet sweet husband!
Whew. This post made me tear up, Katie. I guess it’s because it wasn’t that long ago since I had my baby. I remember feeling the same way and my hubby had to reassure me too. Being a mom is the best thing in the world. Thanks for sharing your journey with us. I love your blog.
What a beautiful post, Katie! You guys are going to be awesome parents!
I’m on the verge of tears sitting at my desk at work. What a sweet story.
kudos to your boyfriend. that’s pretty much every girl’s dream reaction.
Awww, I love it. I actually read the “My stuff works!” part to my husband, and he cracked up too. Very sweet story.
Kelly
I’m a guy and I just read that entire story. Have you ever thought about writing a book. You have a great writing style that grabs my attention. Good luck with the baby. It’s such a fun time – until you get to the end. Then all you want is for that “thing” to pop out of ya.
So honest… So beautiful… So perfect of your boyfriend to know exactly what you needed!
This is the sweetest story. I started crying and I don’t even know you! Sounds like you and your baby-daddy have a really great relationship. Thanks for sharing.
Good word girl, you sure now how to bring tears to the eyes of a total stranger…. so excited for you both!
Tears! I am so excited to share this same sentiment with my hubby to be someday. Beautifully written, honest, vulnerable, yet full of excitement and hope 🙂
What a sweet story. It melted my heart. You definitely have a great husband and I can see that there will be lots of love in your family.
Aww!! So, so, so sweet that boyfriend of yours is! I had little pin pricks of tears in my eyes myself. You guys are going to be such great parents- I’m sure of it!
Like everyone else I’m tearing up at work…great!! Thanks!! 😉
Congratulations your story is beautiful!
Not only am I de-lurking to post this, I have never left a comment on any blog before. I just had my first baby 4.5 months ago and want to commend you for keeping a record of the early days of pregnancy. You will love having it, your boyband (boyfriend/husband) will love it, and some day your baby will love it. Totally agree with the previous poster that you should think about turning these and subsequent posts into a book. They are touching, funny and so evocative of what it going through your (crazy) mind. Enjoy being pregnant; it is a magical mysterious time. And congrats to you and Jeremy’s stuff.
Congrats! I missed a few weeks of your blog – what a nice surprise! You and your boyfriend will do just great…don’t worry!
Terry in Milwaukee
What a precious story! Thanks for sharing it with us. And you make sure you tell us if your boyfriend denies you even one craving, because he promised to take good care of you! 😛
Tearing up at work. Love your writing!!
🙂 you will be a fabulous momma! i can’t believe you were worried about jeremy’s reaction – of course, i don’t know him, but from what you have written about him, it seems unlikely that he would have had any less of an awesome reaction than what he did 🙂
I’ve never cried and laughed reading one of your posts before…so here’s a first for me! So very sweet..his reaction, your feelings, his reassuring words. Could I possibly love this blog couple more? I think not! I am so happy for you two! Your dinobaby is going to be so lucky!
great story katie! congrats again!
AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWw omg, this story totally borught tears to my eyes. I’m so happy for you! I hope I am HALF this lucky when I finally get knocked up and have to tell my hubby.
holy cow!! congratulations! apparently i missed a lot of excitement here while we were at the beach….
Well I never expected to cry reading this blog of yours, but you’ve managed to make me! So touching. Thanks for sharing your journey- can’t wait to hear more about it.
That is so awesome- you are so lucky! I had to hold back the tears. So sweet!
Thanks. Really. We’re around the same percentage of pregnant, and I just experienced a recap of fears I’ve faced along the way. My husband is always on board, and I know that, but it does help to hear it. To see it. I experienced 3 months of all-day sickness that was one of the most humbling experiences of my life. My husband was sometimes a jerk during that period, but he came around (he didn’t come to me perfect, but he always walks out of these times a saint), and we’re both excited and going through this together. Thanks for not romanticizing the pregnancy experience. I have been glad for life all along the way, but having another human completely dependent on you is full of a million more reasons to fall at God’s feet.
I couldn’t help it, I’ve got tears in my eyes too. I also agree with a bunch of people that you should write a book of some kind. You are very enganging!! Congratulations to both, hold on to your seats because the ride is just getting started!
Ugh…do you have to make me cry??? 😀 Thanks so much for sharing your story it is so sweet to hear. You are such a lucky girl to have a supportive husband. Mine has been the same way through both of my pregnancies and I could not have done it with out him.
Try to enjoy every minute of your pregnancy and your growing belly. It truly is a miracle although it won’t always feel that way.
–jessica
Okay, I just got teary eyed. Congratulations to both of you!!! What an exciting journey.
This is the sweetest story ever! I’m so glad there was a happy ending because I started getting very worried about you. I find that when I am feeling down I want people, especially my boyfriend, to say exactly what I want to hear, but they don’t usually know what that is. I’m so glad Jeremy said the right things and actually meant them!
Beautiful story! I hope mine goes something like that one day too! You are much more witty than me though, I could never go through the hoopla of a slideshow! I would blurt it out before I could hit “play”!
Oh you made me cry too!! What a wonderful chapter, thank you for sharing xxx
Katie, I love this. My husband is amazingly supportive, and we had to go through a miscarriage prior–so naturally, I was FREAKED, no, panicked. He was there for me for everything. Gladly goes to appointments. Gets my crap when i’m whining because I feel so ICK…
Dont you LOVE a good man?
Jeremy just looks like he’ll be a great dad and supportive partner through all this.
And I LOVE LOVE LOVE the “My stuff works!”. Basically same reaction as my hubs. So, possibly…we’d all be best friends in real life?
hah….
ps: I like your picture with your cute little belly modeling the smoke detector. hawtness 😉
Oh Katie. I feel like this encounter could 100% happen to Chris and I. What a treat to let us in on your relationship- you too are truly blessed.
Not sure if you are a chick lit reader but if you haven’t already, i recommend Diary of a Mother to be by Laura Wolfe. Cracks me up every time I read it (2nd in series after Diary of a Mad Bride)
This is one of the absolutely sweetest things I’ve ever read. So wonderful!!!
This is beautiful. I’m sobbing like a baby right now.
oh that was just so sweet! I can only hope that my husband’s reaction is the same when we finally get that news… trying now, but nothing for sure yet. Congrats again! You two are fabulous!
Congratulations to both of you! I’m looking forward to following your journey.
Ok, I’m officially a big fan of your man! You’re going to have an amazing little family 🙂
Ok, your writing is so great I had tears in my eyes reading this. I am so glad you got such a great reaction. But then we get to the end and your portrait of Jeremy is so good except for that darn Yankee hat. Can you photoshop that into a B for me 😉
I think I may just have to invite you both to come visit when I get some tickets to Fenway next summer. Of course Jeremy will have to promise to dispose of all NY hats 🙂
Congrats again!
darn… i have cried yet again reading your blog this week. love the story! congratulations!
I have to tell you that I am LOVING these posts. It’s like, the FIRST thing I check in the morning when I get to work, lol. So if I get fired, I’m blaming you. And the baby ;o)
That is one of the sweetest things I have ever read! You will be amazing parents and I will enjoy all you care to share about it.
What a beautiful story! Yup, you got me crying too. My Hubs and I are going to start a family pretty soon, and I can’t wait for that moment!
p.s. Please write a book… about anything… I don’t care what it is, I’d buy it. You have such a way with words…
Oh my Katie, that made my heart melt and my eyes tear up. I can’t believe what a beautiful husband you have. You are one seriously lucky gal. I wish you both nothing but the best. Congratulations!
FYI…For someone I don’t ‘actually’ know and you are on the other side of the world from me, I catch up with ‘you’ more than my best friend!! Lol, your awesome!
I’m totally crying! Jeremy is the sweetest ever!!!!
what a great reaction! You will be great parents.
Thanks for being so honest1 It’s beautiful. You two (3 now) are definitely in my prayers. 🙂
Congrats Katie! I have been an avid reader of your blog for quite some time. I know exactly how you felt about his reaction. I am pregnant too and was worried to teell my husband as well! Of course, just like your boyfrient he was excited. I think I remember you mentioning you are from NJ, I live in Cherry Hill. Best wishes for you pregnancy!
Congratulations to you both. You’re about to experience the deepest, most profound love of your lives.
Hi Katie! I felt I needed to let you know a little something. I so enjoyed reading all the raw emotion you displayed with the wee one. In fact, I had no idea when I was reading it, but I got knocked up myself by my dear hubby and when I saw the test I hyperventilated…like my husband had to calm me down because I couldn’t breathe. I felt guilty. However, I remembered back to all of your baby posts and honestly I felt better immediately (well I guess some prayer helped, but you were definitely second to the Big Man). So, I write all this to say THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for being honest and for letting it all hang out. You are my hero, my superstar and pretty much I couldn’t have gotten through the first few weeks of pregnancy without you. Can’t wait to see the pictures of Will when he decides to make his big debut!
hahahhahaha I love that he yelled my stuff works! awesome! Thanks for sharing your lives with us all!
I randomly came across your blog today, and I think it’s safe to say that I’m hooked. Not only do I love your home reno and decorating style, but I love the honesty that comes through in your writing and just had to tell you! I’ll definitely be coming back!
What an amazing story. 🙂
I’ve been reading through all your past blog entries and this one made me start crying. With these emotions, maybe I should go pee on a stick… 🙂
Discovered your blog through Young House Love, and I’ve been reading it starting at the beginning. I know this is old and baby #2 is on the way, but I just had to say that this may be the sweetest thing I’ve ever read.
You are such a good writer!