Originally written on August 20, 2009
This is the story of today. The story of my first appointment. The story of the beginning.
By the time today rolled around, I had fully convinced myself that I had some sort of abnormality going on…a tumor, a distended ovary or my forefront runner on the list….a blighted ovum. I woke up knowing without a doubt that I wasn’t actually pregnant. It couldn’t happen. There were all those indiscretions in college afterall. And then on top of that, God would know better. He knows that I’m not ready. That I don’t deserve it. That I need to struggle like everyone else. All my friends who had suffered over and over with miscarraiges, I knew it would happen to me too. I just knew it.
And I walked into the office with complete certainty.
Jeremy, on the other hand, was thrilled. He kept saying how excited he was. How we would see the baby. And I kept reminding him that things go wrong. That it might not be now. That it might be nothing. And that I was scared.
I was so freaking scared.
Scared of myself. Scared of my fears. Scared of the possibility that I might be wrong.
It just was happening all too soon.
I filled out the paperwork, hoping that I didn’t catch a glimpse of Jeremy’s face. And that smile. Because then I would cry. And nobody wants to cry in a waiting room full of pregnant people. It would probably start a crying epidemic. Like when one person starts barfing…and then everyone can’t handle the smell and then its a verifiable pukefest. That’s exactly what would happen. And pregnant people have lots to cry about…they are about to have their seams ripped open from the inside by a eight pound human. So I kept my eyes forward.
“KATIE BOWER”, the nurse called.
crap. That’s me.
Walking back to the ultrasound room was like the walk of doom. I grabbed Jeremy’s arm. I knew that after this, I couldn’t deny it any longer. It would no longer be a dream. A strange fairy tale. A made-for-tv-movie that I was watching from inside one of the actors. It would be real. Really real. Really really real.
I don’t really remember how I got undressed and draped in a flimsy paper gown. I just remember sitting in the room wondering how cold the ultrasound gel would feel on my skin. And that’s when Ann walked in.
Ann was a middle aged woman with dirty blonde hair and a pleasant smile. Nothing overly memorable. Just simple friendly face and a soft bedside manner. She drilled us down with the basic questions…name, date of last missed cycle, history of pregnancies.
“Ok. Well, everything seems ready to go. Are you ready to see your baby?” she asked.
“uh-huh.” I sighed. Poor sweet ultrasound tech with the high expectations. There is no baby. I would know.
And that is when the dirty blonde started shaking the white lube bottle. OH BOY. Here we go. But then she did something quite unexpected. She squirted it on the giant penile wand next to my shoulder. WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?! AND WHY IS IT SO FREAKIN CLOSE TO MY HEAD?!? My heart started beating fast.
“Um. What’s that for?” I asked.
Ann calmly replied, “Well, the first ultrasound is vaginal. And then the rest are on the belly. Your baby is so small that this way, we can see it up close and personal.”
Up close and personal is right. That thing is supposed to go inside me? Where’s the flirting and the foreplay?! The neck kisses and the heavy breathing?! How did I not remember this? This is important! And more importantly, why don’t they teach you this in school!?! oh…right…I was homeschooled.
“Would you like to insert it? Or your husband? Or I can do it if you prefer.” That dirty blonde was a fast mover, that I knew.
“No. you go ahead.” I said half-heartedly.
And that is when the molestation occured. I may have blacked out. I don’t really remember. I just remember Jeremy grabbing my arm and leaning over me as I got violated by the ultrasound tech and that giant peepee stick. I know at one point my sweet boyfriend said something like ‘oh wow’ as he looked at the screen beside me but the only thing on my mind was this stranger and her weapon of choice. All of a sudden it was very clear. I knew what to do. I knew my course of action. I needed to know this woman’s name. Then I could focus.
“What is your name?” I asked frantically. DANG IT WOMAN GIVE ME YOUR NAME.
“Ann.” She pointed to her name badge.
“WHAT IS YOUR NAME AGAIN?” DID SHE ANSWER BEFORE? HOW DID I FORGET SO SOON?
“Ann.” Her eyes smiled. “It’s Ann”.
“Oh, ok. Ann. Got it.”
Somehow knowing this person’s name made me feel more at ease. Like I could handle what was about to happen. Like I knew somehow that whatever earth-shattering event would happen next…it would be ok. And then I looked at the monitor.
oh. my. gosh.
There is something there. THERE IS SOMETHING IN MY UTERUS.
Ann labeled it as a baby but I wasn’t so sure. It looked like a caterpillar. And that is when she said something about the heart.
OH MY GOSH. THE CATERPILLAR HAS A HEART?
AND WHY AM I STILL GETTING MOLESTED BY THIS WOMAN?!?
The entire experience was surreal. And over in a blink of an eye. The dusty blonde was wrapping up…cleaning her erection-wand and jotting notes down on an electronic tablet. Jeremy was there, sitting back in the chair with his arms folded across his chest and a perma-grin fixed on his face. Me? I still was in a state of shock. I heard her say something about not worrying about the cyst and that it would be ok. But I couldn’t worry about a cyst. A cyst didn’t have a heart. I have bigger fish to fry. Like that caterpillar in my uterus. And that little beating sound.
“Sorry. What’s your name again?” I had to ask one last time…just to be sure.
“Ann, honey. It’s Ann.” And then Ann smiled. And that’s when I knew. I just knew. This sweet woman wasn’t lying to us. She didn’t slip a video into a machine and she didn’t show us someone else’s baby. This was ours. And I was, indeed, pregnant.
Almost instantaneously, I started the rollercoaster of emotion…it’s like my wall of denial and confusion came crashing down. Joy. Fear. Panic. I was pregnant. Literally. Not just pregnant with an emotion. Pregnant with a baby. Pregnant with a baby that had a beating heart. A tiny living beating heart. and it’s alive. 100% alive.
I love this! My experience was SO SO SO similar! The first time, however, when I was being poked and prodded, they indeed found that the baby had no heartbeat. Instead of the woman talking to me, she had a glazed over look…I was almost in tears from the sheer panic of the situation, KNOWING something was wrong (and I was being molested at the same time with that LARGE stick!).
BUT..a few months later, being prodded with that stick was MUCH more joyous when we saw a healthy, beating heart and a little wiggly baby in there.
It is a crazy rollercoaster of emotions. But SO worth it;) (So I HEAR! haha)
Breathtaking experience, ain’t it? Congratulations y’all!
I teared up, at work no less. This is exactly what I imagine I will feel, be like, when I find out I’m pregnant. Thank you for sharing this with us.
A friend of mine told me about that giant wand they use for the first ultrasound. She said she wanted me to be prepared for it because she wasn’t.
If (when??! wishful thinking) you write a book about this experience, at the end of each chapter you should have Jeremy chime in on what was going through HIS head…I would love to know his side of the whole thing, especially this chapter! : )
Congrats again and thanks for making yourself so vulnerable in sharing, even the scary parts. You rock.
Katie – Your post makes me want to run over and hold your hand and tell you it’s all going to be alright! Thankfully I know this was written a few months ago, and I know you are handling it all quite well now 🙂
And Katie, I’ve never heard of this style of ultrasounding… i’ve been surrounded by pregnant ladies and none have ever told me about this… i would be horrified as well!!
Thank you for sharing… I am enjoying the true tales of your pregnancy.
xo, Bon
What a beautiful post! I just had my first ultrasound the other day, and I felt the same way — it’s so REAL when you actually see your baby in there.
Katie! Thanks for sharing such an intimate moment with us all (seriously, right?). Actually, I learned of that awful “internal” ultrasound recently, too — for an unrelated medical matter — and HOLY CRAP I wasn’t expecting THAT!
Anyway, I can’t wait to read more of your preggers experiences. This week alone, I’ve learned of 6 of my friends (and then you and Sherry to make 8 folks) who are on the baby train. And there’s that girl on Glee. And we’ve been watching The Tudors where Queen Ann seems to be “with child” every other episode. Something’s gotta be in the water!
Oh my. Your posts lately make me laugh AND tear up!
I remember the vaginal ultrasound….not as bad as it sounds, but when it’s unexpected it sure can be awkward and weird!
Congrats again to you both!
“giant peepee stick” I laughed so hard about that! I didn’t know the first ultrasound is vaginal either, thanks for the tip!
I totally relate to your experience. The first time I saw that wand I thought, “You’ve gotta be kidding me.” I had my 3rd baby a year ago. She was a surprise – 8 years after my second and 10 years after my first. The first two are boys that I love so much. I was okay with not having a girl and then WHAMO! hubby knocked me up and lo an behold I got a little girl! I love her so much and can’t imagine life without her!
Katie, I LOVE reading these chapters so stinkin’ much! You’re so funny and real and I totally adore you. So honored to be along for the ride!
I’ve been there twice. Somehow I blocked that horrible thing out of my mind. Your description was perfect. All your thoughts were just what I experienced. I love how she asked if you wanted to do it, like that makes it better?! molesting yourself infront of these other people. Like ‘oh yeah, hang on I’ll get right on that’. Or your hubby like he’s such a pro. I would never forgive my him for doing that. So funny.
But it’s great that it turned out positive. So it was all worth it. The heartbeat is so special. I have my son’s recorded. I love the sono where you see the spine. It’s really amazing. God is awesome, there is no denying that it is His handywork and that it is 100% a life in there.
This is absolutely hilarious!
Funny how no one ever mentions the ackward “what the heck is happening” moments when they discuss the JOYS of pregnany 🙂 Plus, isn’t it great how the guys just sit back and smile while the woman goes through the ringer.
I know I would be sick everday for an entire pregnancy for a healthy baby, but I hope you continue to feel wonderful!
I’m so happy for you guys, will continue to pray that you and Baby Bower stay safe! First trimester is over so it should be smooth sailing from here!!
After years of infertility treatment, one successful pregnancy, and one current pregnancy I basically see a doctor’s office and I drop my pants. Our term for the vaginal ultrasound? Dildo Cam It makes the violation a little easier to endure if you can laugh about it.
Congratulations on your pending arrival. Pregnancy is amazing and the little person at the end? Wow!
All I can say is you have lifted the veil with this post. Hundreds of innocents will now know the horrible truth: Once you’re pregnant, your hooha is no longer your private area for just you and your husband.
Congrats again, and I so look forward to hearing more of your journey.
I love hearing your bean stories! Love, love, love.
So sweet.
Kelly
hi! just recently began reading your blog after finding you through john & sherry. i have a lot of catch-up work to do! =) but i have read all the baby stories. this one was great.
i haven’t had the pleasure of being personally acquainted w/ the wand, but i will never forget the first time i saw one. had to go w/ a friend for an appt to make sure she really had a baby in there, and we both thought it would be a “normal” ultrasound. i’m not that close to this particular friend (i went b/c no one else could), so it was definitely an experience to stand next to her as she had the procedure. thanks for bringing back memories! haha
Michelle – you are soo right. Laughing does make some things less awkward…unless you are like me and you laugh really loudly and for extended periods of time until tears are running down your face….apparently that can make others feel MORE uncomfy….who knew?!?
XO – KB
p.s. love your term for ‘the wand’
congratulations on your pregnancy! after seeing your baby boy mood board, I thought you needed this in your life 🙂
http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=29917036
Maggie – that is adorable!
I love how they staged the little stuffed guy with a dried wreath ‘throne’ – it makes me wanna put wreaths all over a boys room!
XO – Katie
Katie said: “Up close and personal is right. That thing is supposed to go inside me? Where’s the flirting and the foreplay?! The neck kisses and the heavy breathing?!”
OH.MY.GOSH. Katie that was so friggin’ hilarious and definitely something I can relate to! I thought the same thing when I was being “molested” (LOL!) with that giant wand. My husband was in the room with me and his eyes nearly popped outta his head! Afterwards, he says to me, “that is the ONLY other guy that I will allow to visit your hoo-ha” LOL He was shocked, and I couldn’t stop laughing. I LOVE LOVE LOVE reading your experience…mine didn’t have a happy ending, but alas, we are trying again until we get it right. 😉 Good luck, and keep ’em comin!
Found you via YHL. I didn’t read all the comments yet so someone may have already said this, but it’s interesting how Ann went from being a “dirty” blonde to a “dusty” blonde – almost as if her confirming your baby made her subconsciously less “severe” to you, for lack of better term. Love your blog – and a late congrats!
She asked if you wanted your husband to do it? That is crazy! Sure lady, stand here while my husband sticks a giant dildo up me. Hmm.
I had a friend who warned me about the dildo before I went. She had her mom go w/ her (husband was oot) and the Dr. ran out of paper to print the pictures. He asked her MOM to hold the wand while he ran out of the room. Talk about creepy!
So funny and so lovely.
Congratulations.
Amazing isn’t it?? I am just so happy for you and I just saw today where Sherry is pregnant too! Awesome that you get to share in this together 🙂
haha oh gosh, I have a feeling that is exactly how I’m going to react if/when we get pregnant! And I just found out about the “first ultrasound wand” the other day – WHAT THE HECK?!? :/
Hello! I stopped over to chek out what was goin on after someone on Sherri & John’s page asked if you guys planned double pregnancies! Anyway, congratulations! I had no idea you were in Atlanta area (your ultrasound pix showed the town, I’m not creepy, I promise) anyway I’ve got family in town there so now we have a strange, far-awaydesperately-try-to-find-one-so-I’m-really-grasping connection!
Ahahaha, I remember the rape wand, as I so lovingly referred to it. I went to my first checkup alone, and I was so shocked by the rape wand, I couldn’t think to say anything but, “No, I can’t be eight weeks pregnant. What do you mean, it’s due 24 December?” It sucked. The rest of your ultrasounds will be cold, cold gel on your belly, I promise. It’s almost as bad because they aren’t gentle at first. They have to CRAM that wand into your belly so hard I was fairly sure they were going to squish the baby. Then, you get huge and your bladder’s all full and you’re fairly sure you’re going to pee on the ultrasound tech. It’s awesome.
isn’t that the most magical experience ever? that, and hearing the heartbeat for the first time— i think i bawled like a baby when i heard it
Katie, you are too hilarious! You managed to scare the crap out of me, make me laugh, and practically make me cry in one post! I’m at least a few years away from having kids, so when I do I hope I have long forgotten this wand thing because it’s scary! I think I would rather go in and find out about it than know about it ahead of time because that would be such an awkward situation! I’m glad the whole thing ended up being a good experience and that Jeremy was supportive through the whole thing. I love reading about your journey being pregnant!
Ha ha! The fun of exams is just beginning for you my dear! The wand will be a distant memory by the end….
Hi Katie,
I have started reading your blog since I discovered you through YHL, and you are freaking hiLARious. Anywho, I was snooping around your blog and I can read all of the posts in the different segments of your site. However, whenever I click on a link you have in your text about a past post, it automatically reroutes me back to the homepage within an instant. I dunno if anyone else has had this issue, but its happened to me on multiple occasions, and I just wanted you to be aware! Love your blog, just want to read more of it 🙂 Thanks!
OMG, I am so glad they didn’t have a vaginal ultrasound thingee when I was pregnant.
Congratulations again! I am happy sooo for you!
you are SO honest. Love that.
unfortunately I’ve already experienced that same molestation, for a different reason. not too happy to hear that i’ll experience that again. thanks for giving me yet another reason be accepting the fact that we have to hold off having a baby for another year…
the things we women go through! 🙂
Yep, once you are pregnant your body is no longer your own. That was a huge adjustment for me w/the first baby! I had a difficult pregnancy and rough delivery (10 lb-er w/a HUGE head). I have never had so many people checking out my stuff in my life! Just wait until you start nursing (if you are planning too). Then everyone wants to check out your boobs. Should I be telling you all of this? Hope it does not scare you – it is totally worth it 🙂 So much so that I even had a 2nd baby!!
What a great story. Makes my heart smile. 🙂
Do you have an email that I can email you at to ask a question? I can’t find one anywhere on the blog? Thanks!
I love how honest you are about these things!! Someday when I get pregnant, I’ll thank you for warning me about the giant pee pee stick!
Girl! I felt the same way! I even asked my husband if I could have a c-section so no one had to look at my girl parts the whole time! Then the midwife walked in and my husband said “You’ll have to excuse my wife she has a shy va-…” (you can fill in the rest!!) Awesome. Shockingly, we became good friends with our midwife by the end of it all.
Yay for ultrasounds!!
Hi Jill,
My email is right there on the sidebar – or at least it should be! I will definitely doubecheck 🙂
But for now, it is:
[email protected]
XO – Katie
Thanks for talking about what no one else does I imagine everyone must go through this who has a baby or is pregnant. I am tearing up too because your honesty really validates the experience I went through. Amazing writing.
I don’t know if anyone has told you this yet, but if you are going to go natural I have heard from mutliple people that Hypnobabies is the way to go. It some kind of meditation and supposedly no pain is felt. I would love to get your take on it as I am planning on using it when my time comes.
HOLY DANG THERE’S a VAGINAL ULTRASOUND
i wasn’t homeschooled and I didn’t even know this
This has to be the most hilarious-slash-heartwarming blog post I have ever read. 🙂
2 years later… When I had my exam I went on my own (husband was at work) and I was SO freaked out by the “wand” that the lady started looking at me like I might be nuts. So to make her thoughts valid I responded with “I bet you’re wondering how I got pregnant..!”
🙂 Glad I’m not the only one who felt a bit violated. Love reading these blogs but I do wish I’d read them while I was pregnant. Then maybe I wouldn’t have felt like such a lunatic for having such a roller coaster of mixed feelings. I only have one now and it’s joy 🙂
Thanks for being so real!