On Sunday it will be the one year anniversary of my end of breastfeeding Will. Yes. It has taken me an entire year to get to the point where I can talk about it without openly weeping. In short – It. was. traumatic.
I really wanted to tell you guys about how it was for me – since I know that there are a lot of new mommies out there that are considering doing it for their little ones on the way and at the same time, I don’t wanna scare anyone. Like I said….traumatic. But as you read through all this, I do want to remind you of the reasons it is really really great to breastfeed. For one, it’s a transfer of immunities to your little newborn….basically you are giving your immune system to the baby. If you are anything like me with one kick butt ninja of an immune system, this is really great…not only for your baby but also for your wallet (better immune system can mean less doctor visits). Also, breastfeeding has been shown to help whip that post-pregnancy body back in shape, it’s a great way to bond with your little one (although some would say this may take a while), and it’s cheap. There are a ton of other reasons too – so I encourage you to really research and know why before attempting this sometimes insane task. Believe me, it’ll help get you through it if you know the benefits.
Let’s just start at the beginning. My mother breastfeed all four of her kids….as did my sister with Cole…so I always thought it would be easy (I mean, if they can do it, so can I, right?!). During pregnancy I did read a few books on breastfeeding as well as attend a class for some pointers – but to be completely honest, they didn’t really prepare me for what was ahead. After an unexpected ceasarean delivery of Will, I was wheeled into the recovery room and hoped that I would be able to nurse right away. It was an immediate nursing experience like I had imagined in my head (they had some issues getting my blood pressure back up so I was in this weird dizzy space for a good half hour after I got stapled up)…but eventually they said that I was stable enough to hold Will and nurse if I wanted. I did. He did. We did.
I think in my drug-induced stupor I was so excited that he latched immediately and we were there nursing together so quickly that my fears of breastfeeding quickly evaporated. I was on top of the world. By golly gee – I didn’t get the delivery of my dreams but the baby was nursing and it didn’t even hurt! (yet)
The next day it didn’t hurt either. The day after it was fine. Then came day three. Oh I curse that day. Day three may you burn. Even with the hospital’s lactaction consultant by my side, I could not get over the searing pain that pierced my chest and went straight through my body. It literally was the worst pain I have ever felt. And this is coming from a girl that tore her ACL and then drove a clutch home afterward. Oh and my reconstructive surgery – didn’t even take a single pain pill. The c-section recovery didn’t hurt like breastfeeding did. This pain is god-awful.
All that to say – when you read in the books the phrase, “If you are breastfeeding correctly, it won’t hurt” – that author is LYING. through their orthadontic straightened and bleached teeth. It hurts. It hurts like a mother-effing-Singaporean-caning-to-your-nipples. I remember distinctly asking the lactation consultant, “This really really really hurts and I think I might be doing something wrong.” To which she replied with a very calm and matter-of-fact manner – “well, there will be some discomfort. But he looks to be doing everything correctly. If you would like, you can detach him and put him on again.” and then I cried. like the ugly weeping cry. the one where you choke on your own snot sliding down your face.
I thought – ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING? The first ten seconds is pure unadulterated torture…why would I do that again? on purpose? Why don’t I just slam a hammer down on my fingers while I’m at it?! Or maybe I could wear light my bra on fire too? Is that discomfort? Because in my book, I would label a wedgie as discomfort…not this. This is called agony. throbbing piercing torment.
And then I asked my sister. Thank goodness for sisters. I told her about my baby apparently doing everything right yet it still hurting beyond my wildest imagination. She told me the best thing I could hear. She said….”Yup. It hurts a lot, huh? It doesn’t get enough credit. Everyone talks about how horrible delivery is – but they don’t talk about how painful the breastfeeding is….it’s gonna hurt for a while too.”
Just knowing that someone else went through it too somehow helped. In my mind, I kept on reverting back to the books…the classes…the people telling me that it was ‘a uncomfortable transition for your breasts’….when in reality that is only true for some people….not everyone. And it was definitely not true for me. I asked Nornie everything I could. what helped. what didn’t. how long it would last. any tips or tricks. I milked her (haha – punny) for every tidbit of info I could.
The doctors had recommended I continue breastfeeding Will – to help him with the jaundice they were sure he had (they tested him four times – all negative results – but for some reason, he did still look strangely orange)…and also to up my frequency from every three hours to every two around the clock to help keep his weight up and bring my milk in faster. The next day I was to be released from the hospital and the lactation consultant paid me one last visit. Upon entering the room, I told her immediately that my left side was getting raw….she looked and immediately told me that I would have to stop nursing on that side (her reason was “he’s a vigorous eater and he’s trying to yank the milk out”) and pump only for the next ten days or until it healed. That meant pumping on one side and nursing on the other, then bottle feeding the pumped milk to him….aka – recipe for absolutely no sleep.
For the first few days after I got home, I basically sat in bed or the couch most days and pumped and nursed Will. It consumed everything. I literally was breaking down. I would clutch the back of his head so tightly (so that he didn’t thrash about) I thought I would hurt him…and I would have to brace myself against something anytime he latched on. I stomped. I gritted my teeth. I cried out. I seriously had to tell myself out loud “do not throw Will across the room” – because that would have been my gut reaction…just get this baby off of me! And I would cry. I cried every two hours. I would cry between the feedings knowing that I only had fifteen more minutes until he had to nurse and latch and torture me again. I cried at the very thought of breastfeeding.
At first I thought it was just post-partum depression…constant crying, the desire to not talk to anyone or see anyone, the dreams of life ending…but it really did feel like the breastfeeding was to blame. I considered quitting. The crying would stop. I would probably have better dreams than the ones of me laying in a casket with a dress of blood stained boobs. I would maybe even get to sleep more than 90 minutes total a night. I could even maybe shower. What a novel idea. But I thought about the benefits I would be giving Will…and in those moments of weakness, I remembered that quote by Eleanor Roosevelt about women being like tea bags – that you don’t know what she is made of until she is in hot water. This was my hot water. My skin boiling pool…and I wanted to prove that I am made of pure mind-over-matter strength and sacrifice for my kid…and I’m incredibly stubborn. I’m nothing if not stubborn as a goat.
The next month was more of the same…pain pain pain. I would pray everyday that God would make his mouth bigger. I asked the pediatrician if his tongue was attached (it’s just short but not totally attached) to see if that would remedy the problem. I ate a strict balanced ‘breastfeeding’ diet to see if it would help him calm down. I would detach, reattach, detach, reattach – probably on average about twenty times a feeding if the pain was more than I could bare…and to see if the next time would be better. It never was. It was probably the hardest and darkest time I’ve been through. I couldn’t think past two hours ahead of me. Plus, it didn’t help that Will was extremely colic. He had about twenty minutes of happy time in the mornings…the rest of the days were just plain miserable.
(are you scared yet?)
I spent a lot of time praying for forgiveness. I confess that in my heart I judged girls that didn’t breastfeed. I heard of a cousin that chose to give up ahead of her desired time frame because it was too hard and I thought “Wow – I guess she didn’t really care about her babies immune system!” Looking back at how criticial and judgemental I was about that poor girl made me ashamed and so honestly burdened. I didn’t offer that girl any encouragement when she could have been going through the exact same thing as me! This is beyond tough. This is your body, your pain, your sleep, your sanity….it’s like walking through the pits of hell. If you are rolling your eyes, then you either had great nursing experiences or you just simply don’t understand this – but seriously, I was you once and I will never judge another girl about her breastfeeding journey ever again. I totally get it now. I get why it’s hard. I get why formula makes sense. I understand why choosing to quit can make you a good mommy. And I will never judge again.
At about six weeks, the pain started dulling. Not immediately. But slowly it became easier and less painful. We still didn’t have a bonding experience. There was no eye contact like in the books. Will didn’t coo or smile afterward. He didn’t cuddle or sweetly nurse. All nursing was chaotic. I breastfed in front of a girlfriend who had a baby the same age as Will and after she saw him scratch, kick and flail while eating, she flatly said to me “if that was my baby, I would not breastfeed.” It was simple as that. He was not easy. Breastfeeding isn’t easy. And I had the nail marks to prove it.
At three months, the colic almost immediately disappeared. It was one of the happiest days of my life. I remember distinctly that I put him on the floor on the Boppy so that I could go to the bathroom. I ran in while unbuttoning my shorts and then I realized….no crying. NO CRYING! I immediately jumped on my feet and ran into the living room with my shorts around my ankles thinking that surely Will was suffocating or fallen down the vent or something life-threatening. He was just happily laying on the Boppy quiet as can be. That’s the moment I realized, this might be my rainbow. The beginning of a whole new world.
The new world was no joke. There were still moments of frustration but in general, we were hitting a stride. We weren’t constantly moving with him trying to keep him distracted from crying. The down moments helped considerably. They made the harder moments more sufferable. It was the break that I needed. At this point we were still nursing every three hours around the clock. I slept whenever Will did. And was able to venture out of the house between feedings…it was like I could finally breathe again.
Fast forward to six months, Will started calming down substantionally when nursing. The ‘chaos on my chest’ became a realitively docile baby comfortably nursing. He began to know what to expect. I like to think this was when he became a breastfeeder. I began to explore other positions. For the first six months I did one position….one hand gripping boob, one hand gripping back of head. I would brace myself for his typical Will-fulness. At six months, I finally got to try laying down…cradle hold…even a little eye contact slipped in there.
I wouldn’t go so far as to say that breastfeeding is ever easy…until you get down to like one nursing a day. It’s around the clock work. And if you have a crazy sleeper like I do, then also sleep-hindering because the man in your life is no help in the boob department. If your baby doesn’t take a bottle like mine didn’t after those first ten days, then it’s your only option. And if you often have company or like to enjoy family time like I do, then you’ll know that you miss out when you sequester yourself to the bedroom to nurse. Oh and the milk stains? Yeah – really tough to get out.
But now that you’ve heard all about the crazy cons of my breastfeeding, let me tell you about the pros. I gained over 60 pounds with Will. My doctor kept telling me to stop gaining so much weight. I tried every diet in the book. My ankles were huge…and you could play tic-tac-toe on my leg laden with edema. Will even looked swollen at birth. Three weeks after giving birth I jumped on a scale at Goodwill (we didn’t have one at home) and it read only ten pounds more than my pre-pregnancy weight. How did I lose that much weight? Well, I think a lot was water weight but I believe a lot of it was lost quickly because of nursing.
And if you are like me – and constantly think about every single little thing that you want to tackle on your daily to-do list – then nursing ended up being a wake-up call. It taught me to slow down. It taught me that ten to fifteen minute breaks are good….and needed. And that physically touching your baby, stroking their hair, examining their every little centimeter can not only help them feel loved but helps you love them better. It’s like an arranged marriage to a really cute guy….the more time you spend with them, studying them, loving on them, the more you end up falling head over heels. You are practicing devotion. And realizing that it’s beautiful.
When Will was 10 months old, he had a double ear infection. He wouldn’t take a bottle. He wouldn’t drink his almond milk. He didn’t eat for four days….but he would nurse. And I know that it was a good thing for him to have something in his tummy while the drugs did their job. Especially since the non-penicillin meds are a little harder on the babies stomach.
While a lot of babies get sick easily, Will really does have a solid immune system. I don’t wipe everything down with anti-bacterial. I let him sit in shopping carts without sanitizing first. I even have been known to not clean the paci after Sammy-the-kid-with-a-runny-nose has stolen it, sucked it and handed it back to Will. He’s been to the doctor three times in the past two years for sick visits…once an ear infection, once was when we thought Nornie and Cole might have broken his foot, and once was for a legitimate 103 degree temperature that we could not break. That’s not to say that every one who nurses their kid won’t end up going to the doctor – I mean, babies stick dirty boots in their mouth. I am saying that I believe nursing my kid helped my kid out in the health department. And we appreciate the lack of doctor bills – because DANG.
At 12 months old, we were down to one nursing a day – the nighttime right before bed session or the morning breakfast session. And I had been forcing him to continue nursing at that point for at least two months. Will was never a comfort nurser. He didn’t want me when he was upset or hurt….he wanted his pacifier. We knew that. I guess the kid is just not a boob man. But I had set it a personal goal to make it to one year. So on the evening of his birthday, I nursed him one last time. I decided that I would no longer offer the ta-ta’s unless he “asked”. And he didn’t. He was ready. And to tell you the truth…it was a little hard for me to say goodbye to that one-session-a-day. I shed a tear even. It was the end of an era for me and my baby. But more than that – it was the end of an incredibly hard sacrificial yet strangely comforting journey. a journey that I had to choose every three hours for an entire year to actively love my baby. a journey that I learned to appreciate the fact that I am able to breastfeed and that I can physically will myself to do it. a journey where I learned more about motherhood than I ever thought possible. a journey that I am hopeful about for the next baby.
This is really beautiful, Katie. It’s also terrifying (I haven’t had a baby), but exciting at the same time. I’m one of those readers that is still waiting for God to bless me and my husband with our sweet baby(ies) and, while reading this was scary, it also made me glad to know that if I do have this scary/tough/try
This is really beautiful, Katie. It’s also terrifying (I haven’t had a baby), but exciting at the same time. I’m one of those readers that is still waiting for God to bless me and my husband with our sweet baby(ies) and, while reading this was scary, it also made me glad to know that if I do have this scary/tough/trying time, someone else has gone through it. So thanks for putting it out there. Praying so much health for you and new baby B!
Sorry the first comment attempt got jacked up! 🙂
Wow! Thanks for sharing your story. I can’t believe you went through all of that without the positive aspects that many women experience. I hope you will have a different, better experience with your next baby. You deserve it!
Katie,
Thank you for sharing your experience with breastfeeding; it is strangely comforting to know that it didn’t go perfectly for someone else. While you are celebrating your one year of being done, I will be done on Sunday! I think our little boys share the same birthday, one year apart. Happy birthday to Will!
Lesley
A friend has a 2-wk old bubba who isn’t feeding well at all and will only feed via syringe at the moment. As I said to her – no one tells you breastfeeding isn’t easy! You DO just assume it must all work because everyone does it with such ease. With my son, I had what must have actually ony been a couple of weeks but felt like at least a month of painful feeding. He was doing it right, I was doing it right, but yes, the agony. I knew exactly what you meant while reading your story. Been there, cried and screamed through that. Thankfully, very thank-you-God-fully, the second time around was much much better. No pain (and I gritted my teeth for the first month wondering when it would start again!). Here’s to hoping this time around is much much more smooth sailing for you!
This is a must read for all moms and moms to be. I had a similar experience, coupled with some nipple issues (now there is a phrase I thought I would never write online) and it was hell on earth. And that is the very thing I kept repeating to everyone, usually thru tears – no one told me it was going to be like this! I stuck it out as well with my first – one year. And I won’t even go into how long the leaking lasted after I stopped breastfeeding. I prayed when I had my second that she would be a different breastfeeder- an easier feeder. But instead, she was even more of a challenge. I didn’t last a whole year with her (just 10 months) but I remember cutting myself far more slack the second time around and not judging myself for stopping ‘early’. And like you, after my experiences, I will never judge another woman on her situation. Every mom AND baby is different. Thanks for sharing this with everyone!
So my daughter Lucy turns 1 on the 18th and I too have said that I will breastfeed until she’s a year old. But now, as I am sitting here after reading your last paragraph it makes me desperate not to lose what we have. I teared up at the thought of not having it anymore. But I also want my body back to myself so I can have a cocktail or several and not worry about how it will affect her. Good post it totally hit home with me today…PS I am the first of my friends to have a baby and when they ask me what the delivery was like all I can say is f the delivery that was nothing the breastfeeding is what rocked my world… So right there with ya .. and yeah no one told me it would suck
Are we the same mommy-baby pair in parallel universes? Because what you described is almost exactly what’s happened/is happening with me and my son (he’ll be 8 months on Sunday).
Colicky baby (would. not. stop. screaming.), violent nurser (both on the boob—my nipples were ripped to shreds—and in my lap—I had claw marks down my neck and all over my chest), extreme pain for me (rawness, bleeding, etc. included)… But around 6 weeks I noticed that the pain was settling down (still hurt like the dickens but I didn’t need to brace myself, grip a pillow, stomp my feet, cry out, etc. anymore). Between two and three months he finally seemed to get the hang of it, but we didn’t have a pain-free nursing until he was 5 months. Even now occasionally he gets a bit rough, but we can actually cuddle-nurse instead of going into battle mode at every meal time.
Thank you for sharing your story. I feel less alone now. (Especially since my mom recognized I was in pain, but felt/still feels I was/am exaggerating.)
I’ve said this in another post a while back—the way you love your son helps me love mine. Thank you so much for being honest in such a public place.
Long time lurker, first time commenter……
It feels good to read someone else’s nursing story. I wrote one on my blog a few months ago, and it is good to see I wasn’t the only one who had issues…..I, too, was a bit judge-y, and I tell you……breastfeeding is humbling! But, now I think all of parenting is humbling!
So our second baby is now 8 months old….and I can’t even tell you how much easier the 2nd one is…..or maybe, we are just more relaxed….whatever, the reason….I am enjoying it so much more this time around!
Good luck…..and check out our blog…..www.mama-mema-mo.blogspot.com
Thanks for sharing your experience! I had a tough time with my first son (still nursing at 2 1/2) but with his little brother it was much easier (now 11mo). When I had my first, I expected struggles but nothing like I experienced, the toe curling, jaw clenching feedings those first 8 weeks were not what I imagined. I expected the same thing when my second was born but thankfully it was much easier. It’s such a wonderful experience once you both get the hang of it, even though it takes a long time. Neither of my kids took/take bottles (my 11mo old won’t drink anything except breastmilk straight from mama!) so I know how difficult it can be to get a moment to yourself. Soon they won’t want a moment with their mama so I’ll snuggle them as much as I can now! Good luck with this little one, hope it’s easy peasy for you!
I have 3 littles. My oldest son will be 4 in May (who btw, finally decided to be potty trained this week Thankyou Jesus!!!) my daughter is 19 months and baby Henry will be 4 months next week. So 3 kids in 3 1/2 years. In our 5 years of marriage i have been pregnant 27 months, and breastfeeding for 21 months so far. I am only breastfeeding the baby lest you think i am one of those freaks that breastfeeds their 8 year olds and lets them name their nipples. Creepy. With our first I too had those foot stomping moments every time he latched on. Its horrible. Luckily it was because he wasn’t latched on right so that was easily fixed. My nipples bled and cracked and scabbed and bled again. Attractive. I also had all 3 babies via c- section. With the second baby every time she latched on my uterus would cramp so bad i thought i would die. But this only lasted a few days. And with the third baby it was the same way but lasted about a week. But I am glad to say breastfeeding is so much easier with your second. And it is so sweet to watch them eat and smile around your nipple. They are so precious. So i will pray your second is easier as well. By around 6 weeks my doctor always reminds me to begin spacing their feedings out to about 4-6 hours. Holding them off a little will let you have more milk and then in turn fill them up more. Therefore giving you a life beyond your boobs.
I had a similar experience with my first baby. I was so mad that no one told me that breastfeeding would be so very hard! It was a huge ordeal and we only made it 4 months.
Things were much easier the second, third, and fourth times around. There were some obstacles but nothing too difficult. Every baby is so different. My 3rd I nursed for 30 months because it was so easy and he loved it. I thought I would go that long with my youngest but at 10 months I can already see things winding down. I will drag it out as long as I can though. 😉
I hope things go well with your next baby. I’m so excited for you!
Oh mylanta. I was SO tempted to skip down to the comment section about halfway through this post and say,”DUDE. You speak my language.” No one- NO ONE- tells you what it’s like to nurse until you’re in the middle of it. Seriously. You need an epidural for your boobs. Give me labor and delivery any day over nursing. My little one was not interested in the least in eating at the hospital. She couldn’t care less. She just wanted to sleep. And so the panic over her blood sugar (and jaundice) set in, making me a complete wreck. Not so good. I’ll spare you the details, but I totally understand where you’re coming from with this post.
I remember I would start bawling before I even got her close to me when it was time to nurse because I knew what was about to happen. My husband felt so bad, but couldn’t do anything. I’m sure I probably scared the poop out of him 🙂 Breastfeeding is kinda like willfully running over your foot with a loaded dump truck every 2 hours.
And, by the way, I think we should write nasty notes to all those authors who say it doesn’t hurt. Lies. All lies. I thought something was wrong with me or with my baby’s latch because of those durn books. I stressed over it. Bad.
Thank goodness for wonderful, hilarious women like you who tell everyone how it really is 🙂
Love your blog! And congrats again about babino #2!
Oh my goodness. Due date buddy, I’m now more worried about breastfeeding than birthing my babe! I have heard from a few friends that they have had trouble with breastfeeding, but no one said anything about the INTENSE pain! Girl, if it is painful for 6 weeks until things start to get better, I don’t think I’ll have the stamina that you did. I’m stubborn too, but 6 weeks!! You are a super mamma!
This made me cry. I had a very hard time nursing my son (he turned 2 in February). He stopped nursing at 6 months. I certainly didn’t want him to. I tried to push it. I wanted so badly to have that connection with him for at least a year, but he wouldn’t have it. He is nothing if not independent. I commend you for sticking it out and I applaud you for knowing it was ok to listen to Will when he was “done”. Breastfeeding is not easy – no matter what your mother says (my mother, in my case, anyway). It is different for every child. I hope that your new baby provides a different scenario but either way what happens with them will be best for them.
This made me cry – I love this story and while I can’t relate entirely, I totally understand the pain factor and I had mastitis a few times because of it with my son. It is such a rough journey but worth every second. Beautifully written memories. I am dreading when I wean my daughter, my last baby!
I really appreciate your honesty. I wish someone had been this frank with me before I had kids!
I remember actually hating my husband when he would remind me that it was time to nurse the baby. Like it was his fault! He just didn’t get it. That is, until he saw my raw and bleeding nipples that the lactation consultant compared to ground beef.
I’d choose giving birth again over the pain of establishing breastfeeding! But that said, I breastfed my first for 13 months and am now on month 15 with my second child.
Breastfeeding is hard work — much harder than you’re usually lead to believe. But I do believe it’s totally worth it and would do it again in a heartbeat.
Katie, with my second, it did hurt as bad but not for as long. Just knowing what to expect really helped. I used lanolin and these great gel nipple soothers that I stored in the fridge between uses.
I don’t have kids yet though we are planning on starting to try fairly soon. However, I just wanted to thank you SO much for this story. Several of my friends have recently given birth/are still pregnant and I have been begging them to “write a damn book already”! All the tidbits like, “when pregnant your hips ligaments will stretch and it will fill like your legs will fall off”. Or “when pregnant you stomach ends up somewhere under your left boob”.
Things that NONE of the books tell you. Not even the irreverent ones.
Noone warns you how hard it’s going to be. A close friend once confided that she was certain she and her husband would divorce in the depths of sleep deprivation and that they’d been sleeping on separate couches for a month. Noone tells you that stuff. They make it all sound like rainbows and kittens and cute onsies.
I’m bookmarking this post for when I do have kids. AS a reminder that it’s hard. But that we can survive.
Thank you
Ohhh…. I still think it shouldn’t have been that painful :(. I have a funny story you just reminded me of, with my firstborn …. over 19 years ago. My daughter was also born C~section & after I left the recovery room they brought Robin to me with a cute little pink bow. A nurse showed her to me and asked me what her name was and I was so perplexed. I didn’t understand why they were showing me this baby… she was cute and all, I guess. It never occured to me that she was mine! Hahaha! So much for bonding right away 🙂
I also had a goofy experience with the breastfeeding. They wouldn’t let us leave the hospital until Robin wet a couple of diapers…which meant she needed to be drinking. I was panicked and out of the blue, this petite woman wearing bright make-up, a bee-hive hairdo and a southern accent walked in. She started talking way too quickly and all I really remember was the way she instinctively mixed sugar with water and told me to rub it on my nipples! It really was miraculous how the sugar taste made Robin want to latch on better.
The goofy part is once she left another nurse promptly came in to check on my progress. She was encouraged and asked what tecnique brought about the change. I credited the adorable southern lactaction nurse (who’s name I failed to get). I giggled about the sugar water “trick”. The attending nurse was puzzeled because the lactation nurse wasn’t in at such a late hour nor did she fit the description! No one on staff knew who she was or had seen her! Did I imagine her? …. I really doubt it! Just my breastfeeding angel 🙂 … which I don’t believe either!
We never did figure it out… and then of course we moved on to bigger and better things. I have never thought of it until I read your entry today. So sorry it was so awful! I had my son, Forrest, 13 months after Robin and he was a natural nurser. Your next baby will be too! 🙂
I breastfed both my kids (daughter, now 5 years old, and the son, now 2 years old) till they were 1 year old. Daughter got her last sip on the morning of her first birthday, and the son was still getting his 1am-go-back-to-sleep sip two months after his birthday – I knew it would be my last breastfeeding (I am now 41 and we have enough children) and was a bit hesitant to stop, but as during the summer vacation my mom took over cuddling my son back to sleep, the breastfeeding stopped too.
I am proud I made it this long with both kids for all the reasons you mentioned above (and because I was not sure my A cup girls would have any milk, but it turned out I was not to worry :)), but the beginnings are not easy, especially the sleep deprivation. I remember describing to my friends who asked me how it was – “You know the beer bottle caps? Yeah, imagine someone take two of those and then squeeze your nipple between them as hard as a grown up can. It hurts like hell! And all this from a little baby that doesn’t even have teeth!” I remember times when I’d cry and wanted to quit and my hubby said please, nurse just this one more time, and it helped to get me through the point where I’d probably quit. The pain dissapeared after a month and later it was all pleasant.
To all the new mommies who ask about breastfeeding, I say – BE STUBBORN, it’s all worth it. If you can make it, you have solved the baby feedings in a healthy, cheap and practical way (I could nurse in public discretly without anybody seeing or even suspecting anything), the milk is always perfectly warm and clean, there are no endless washing of bottles and throwing away leftover (pricey) formula. If anyway it turns out you can’t breastfeed, there’ll still be formula and the baby will still grow.
Best wishes to everyone, and may this time the breasfeeding be a smooth sailing for you Katie 🙂
Great, heart felt and so true a story.
I breast fed both mine, my first (son) for like you bang on a year) we had a little trouble latching on for the first few weeks, then it was fine, but then by 10 months he was a walking, full set of teeth almost toddler, so it was a different challenge but we made a year!
My second(daughter) was a lot easier and I fed her until she was 16 months and she was ready to give up at that point.
I am a nurse in the UK and we only promote breast feeding in this country with a real look of contempt for anyone not doing it like they are some sort of social pariah. My view : breast maybe best but never beat yourself up if you do something else. A happy baby and a happy mummy is all that matters and you can get that by bottle or breast. This is why I probably will be chucked out of my health visitor training as it against the norm! (Health visitors in the UK visit families at home after being disharged by the midwife at 14 days, they do wellness checks on mums and babies for the first 5 years, advice, and are just there at clinics or at homes until the child is 5 and goes to school when care goes to school nurses)
Thanks for sharing your experience with us. My experience was very, very similar. I knew that I would deliver by c section and I was prepared it would hurt, but that was nothing compared to the painful and traumatic breastfeeding at which no one prepared me enough (no books, no videos, no lactation consultant). Even my mama, who nursed me and my brother said “Quit, this is torture for you and your child”. We did not quit, but we managed to breastfeed only for six (long) months. I hope you will have a better experience with your next baby. Martina
Thank you for being so honest about this!! As a childless gal, I’ll admit I’ve been the judgey one when I hear about formula fed babies. But I can honestly say I’ll never want to think that again.
And I have a whole ton of respect for anyone that actually pulls through it now. You’re a trooper.
*Dashes off to send pretty things and a you-can-call-me-card to friend who’s a new mother planning on breastfeeding*
Wow Katie – I could have written this myself! Of all my friends there was only one who was honest – I remember she told me it would take six weeks before it went from Horrendous to Awful, and every six weeks it would get a little better. I also had treated myself when I got to each six week milestone – I needed every encouragement I could get.
Luckily for my second it wasn’t nearly as bad… I have no idea why, but it didn’t hurt as much (no crying before, during and after feeds, me that is!).
So – thank you so much for sharing, it’s an important story.
PS you are a beautiful writer. I could feel the emotion of it as I read. Just beautiful.
Great post! I have three kids and was So. Determined. to breastfeed my first that I too, was Miss Judgy Person of those who didn’t breastfeed. Then my son was born…and we went through hell. I had to start pumping because he wasn’t nursing enough and was getting weak, then he started preferring the bottle and would no longer take the breast. I ended up with an abscess on my breast and had to have surgery under general anesthesia for it. I pumped, and also taught him to nurse, until I got pregnant with my second when my oldest was 6 months old (yes, they are 15 months apart).
Nursing hurt in the beginning, for both my second and my third, but again, I was SO determined to nurse that I powered through it and ended up nursing both of them for more than 2 years. I remember dreaming while pregnant with my second that the Doctors told me I would need a Cesarean, and I agreed, but only if they assured me that I would be able to breastfeed after!
Thank you for posting this Katie!
I have a little boy who just turned 1, and a 3 year old, neither of whom did I ever manage to directly breastfeed. I ended up exclusively pumping for both of them (1 year for my 1st born, and still going for my 1 year old). It’s extremely hard. I got sooo much guilt from the lactation consultant with my 1st born… she was in the NICU and I started off pumping since she wasn’t able to nurse right away, and had done so well with it that I just figured I’d exclusively pump instead of trying to add one more thing to the list of things that were stressing me out. The LC told me that it just wasn’t sustainable and i’d regret it and quit. Well, that just made me more determined to make it work and I did, even though there were lots of tears, and 2 bouts of mastitis along the way.
This last birth I thought I’d try BFing again. I had a homebirth so there wasn’t a c-section to recover from this time… but still BFing was super hard. I was chapped and would just cry. So back to the pump I went. And here I am, still to this day keeping up with it.
Just wanted to throw my story out there, since there is still another option between giving up on BFing and feeding formula.
Katie, it’s wonderful of you to share this with us all. I hope that this time is much much easier for you.
I really admire your utter determination. So much as I want to run off with Jeremy, this has made me reconsider. You would hunt me down! (you gotta stop posting those topless pictures though. It’s torture!).
Katie, I had a very rough time with nursing my first, too – those first three months were HARD. It hurt, he wouldn’t latch properly so they had us use a shield to help him (which now I’m convinced added to the problems), he didn’t gain weight so I was nursing, pumping, bottle feeding what I’d pumped, nursing again, etc. for a solid 6 weeks. Nursing was slow, too, so it would take him a good 30-40 minutes a time… I was pretty much nursing or pumping or feeding almost non-stop. Finally, when he was about 3 months old, we had done one side and I was trying to switch the shield to the other side and get it on correctly when he just dove in and latched on without it, and went to town. I had to deal with all the initial pain again since he was directly on my skin, but after a week it was great and we didn’t have any problems from that point on. And with baby #2, it was EASY from the get-go! (Aside from about a week of that toe-curling, teeth-grinding pain no one talks about). He’s a great eater, and aside from getting distracted by his older brother occasionally and forgetting that I don’t go with him when he jerks his head around (OUCH!!) it’s been exactly what I’d hoped breastfeeding would be. I hope your second is a much more peaceful and that you get that, too!
I think you were amazing and went much beyond I would have. My daughter breastfed really well from scratch, but didn’t eliminate the pain that came… guess… on day 3. Docs said my body went crazy and thought I had 5 babies and was producing too much milk. It was horrible for 2 weeks until the flow calmed down. And yes, I thought about giving up, but didn’t. She stopped breastfeeding by herself at 6 months. The day we offered her solids the first time she never wanted to breastfeed again. Crazy like that. She LOVED to eat and would scream at the sight of a breast (humiliating much?). So I was sad and worried because I wanted to breastfeed longer because of the immunity-building up thing, but it was her decision, what could I do?
As for colic babies, she had HORRIBLE colics until the bright day she turned 2 months. It was like they changed the baby overnight. I believe God gives the “difficult” babies to those who can take the extra “burden”, so in a way I feel blessed to have had His trust. But o be honest, I am praying and trying to negotiate with that the next one come as an angel baby, hahaha.
x
I had the exact. same. experience. for several weeks after my kiddo was born (he’s now five…how did THAT happen?)! No one would believe me on the pain either…until I dragged my sleep-deprived, hormonal self out to a La Leche League meeting a week after he was born. Those women were a God-send to me. Simply having the reassurance that others had gone through something similar was so helpful. They offered tips, tricks, and helpful modeling that I would have never received otherwise (I didn’t know anyone else who had nursed).
But I still struggled with it. Every single day. For seven months. And, oh! The guilt! I remember breaking down and bawling on day 4 because I just couldn’t do it anymore and I felt like giving my baby formula was going to stunt his potential (thank you, crazy breastfeeding books for scaring the pants off of new moms). I sent my poor, equally sleep-deprived and confused husband out to get the “right” formula and a bottle sterilizer because I didn’t think I needed one up until that point. He went to three different stores searching for the brand of sterilizer I wanted…and nearly had a breakdown himself in the baby aisle of Target.
I had to take things day by day…I had thoughts to just give up and switch to formula every single day for seven months. I was really determined to bf until 12 months, but my son weaned at seven months on his own. I went on a business trip for a week and did the whole pumping on the road/I need a refrigerator in my hotel room/carrying breast milk through airline security song and dance. It was insane. He weaned the next week…and I swear that boy ate like he had been starved for the last 7 months.
You’re not alone in your experience. It’s so comforting to hear that I wasn’t either. Thank you so much for sharing your story!
PS: HUGE LOL for “he is not a boob man”!
All I can really say is “Ditto!” Hurt like an SOB with my daughter (my first). And she also hated it so we made it to 8 weeks and called it a day. I pumped for a bit but that doesn’t last forever unfortunately. She still has a rocking immune system if that gives anyone hope! If it makes you feel any better, with my son, it only hurt for a couple of days then it was fine until I got mastitis (not okay) but it was really a million times better… and he loved it. He nursed for 5 or 6 months until I went back to work. Hopefully it will be loads better with this little one… One of my friends told me that your boobs know what to do the second time around so that’s what makes it better.
LOVE this post Katie!
I too was determined to get to 12 months of nursing and I damn well got there despite the agony and the set backs. I have a vivid memory of walking down the corridor of the maternity ward a few days after my son was born sans bra with icepacks shoved down my shirt – not a pretty sight – and I did not care a single bit.
We are down to one feed a day now and I have been saying at the beginning of every week that this week will be our last. Guess I just need to suck it up and get er done!
Thank you for posting this!! I was surprised by nursing hurting too, and I also went to a bunch of people to make sure my daughter’s latch was correct because I was worried. (To anyone reading this: don’t ASSUME that the pain is normal, because there ARE physical reasons why nursing hurts with some babies that can be fixed. If your nipple looks mashed or discolored after nursing, there might be something else going on. Ok, La Leche League Leader’s daughter moment over. 🙂 For me, the pain wasn’t horrible, more like bruising… but it hurts to have someone sucking really hard on a bruise. Also, breastfeeding causes cramps, but these are GOOD cramps because they’re from your uterus getting back down to size.
I had a much easier time than you, luckily… I think the pain went away for me in about two weeks, and I started to love nursing pretty soon. (Good thing, too, because my daughter is a major comfort nurser… she won’t take a paci and pretty much feels there should be a boob in her mouth at all times.) I found that nursing in different positions (lying on my side to nurse is a great way to nap together!) and figuring out how to nurse in various slings and carriers is a life-saver. Oh, and figuring out how to nurse while typing with both hands on the computer… SO IMPORTANT. Haha.
Good for you for sticking with it, Katie!! I hope you have an easier time with the new guy/girl!
So glad you wrote this! Breast feeding is TOUGH! To encourage you, Hendrix, my number one, was 3 months of tough work, but Roscoe, number two, has been painless and insanely easy!!!
I nursed Hen for 2 years, He’s NEVER sick. Weaning was an end of an era for me, too: http://thisbirdnest.blogspot.com/2011/10/end-of-era.html
I feel like I must have written this post! No one tells you how painful it will be, and honestly, I felt like no one BELIEVED how painful it was. Toe-curling, back bracing pain. My nipples would become so bloody that when my colicky baby would spit up, she would spit up bits of MY blood. I’ve never felt pain like I did breastfeeding. And she screamed for three months – morning, noon, and night. Never slept…we couldn’t leave the house because she screamed in the carseat, in the stroller, everywhere. I couldn’t imagine why I had tried so hard for two years to get pregnant. This was not what I had in mind.
It all became easier around the four month mark, and my baby was lovely! She smiled, still nursed all day every day and refused to sleep for more than two hours at a time, but she was finally happy and I wasn’t bleeding anymore. We ended up nursing for 18 months, and I cherish every day of that time.
The GREAT NEWS is that my send baby nursed like a champ. NOT A DAY OF PAIN!!! Not one. She ate only every 3-4 hours from the very first day, and slept 3-4 at a time. Never cried. Never. She had a meltdown one night around two months and I almost rushed her to the hospital – that’s how unusual crying was for her. It was a totally different experience. Though, now my oldest is such an easy four-year-old, and my youngest is as wild as a buck. 🙂
Don’t dread it, Katie. This could be a totally different animal this time around!
Wow, Katie, I’m in awe of your dedication! You are such a good mother. Thank you so much for sharing something so personal, I love how open and honest you are. I’m really interested in something you said, “And if you often have company or like to enjoy family time like I do, then you’ll know that you miss out when you sequester yourself to the bedroom to nurse.” I’m British and all the women I know breastfeed in public and certainly in front of family and friends. I’ve read similar comments by other American bloggers so I guess it must be a cultural difference. Would you say it’s common in America not to breastfeed in public? How do you feel about that? (I don’t mean this is a judgemental way at all, I’m just really interested because it’s so different from my experience and I find it fascinating).
Thank you for being honest. I was lucky enough to have coworkers who were honest who said, give it the six weeks, it will get better. I am on week three and I think it is getting better, but it is still feels like such a huge burden at times to know that I am his sole nutrition. It is refreshing to hear a perspective that isn’t all sunshine and roses. It honestly makes you wonder if what you are doing isn’t correct because no one said it would hurt to breastfeed. So, really, thank you for your honesty.
Thank you for this post. I did not cope with the pain, pumping and needing to supplement and I genuinely believe the biggest reason is because I was unprepared. I believed those books that told me if she was latched correctly it would not hurt, and when no one could tell me what was wrong I caved! I remember just thinking, I want to be able to look my baby in the eyes and stroke her, not close my eyes and grit my teeth, but your first baby really does give you a sense of time scale, to be able to realise “it’s not long.” This time I feel prepared to batten down the hatches and get on with it. Your story really makes me believe I can do it this time around. I will try to remember Eleanor’s tea bag quote when it gets really rough as I expect it to. Thank you so much.
Wow Katie! You went through so much & still managed to breast feed! That is amazing!!!
Hope you have smooth sailing next time & I am sure you will – you def deserve it! 🙂
I could have written the first half of this post. My daughter is 11 weeks old and the first 6 weeks were HORRIBLE. Toe-curling pain due to cracks that came about on day two. I wanted to quit so many times, but like you I am stubborn and knew this was best for my baby. I am happy to say that at 11 weeks it’s a walk in the park- no pain, my daughter can go 3 hours during the day and 6-9 hours at night without eating, and we’re all doing just fine.
Congrats on making it a year! That’s my goal, too 🙂
Hi Katie,
I’m writing to give you some encouragement and hope for the next time around, but with the caveat that you never know what to expect. I had a very similar experience with my first baby. She has been challenging since birth (she is now almost 12 and love her to death, but she isn’t an easy one). She was induced, surprise c-section, took almost a week to get her to latch on correctly, inefficient eater, wouldn’t take a bottle when I left her off at daycare for the first time but took one by the end of the day, thrush, open sores (yay), colic, etc. I couldn’t pump enough to satisfy her at daycare. Thankfully it was only 2 days a week. I HATED pumping with a passion (that didn’t improve with the second one). Despite all that we did achieve that bonding feeling. I still miss that, one of the best feelings in the world. Love when they break off and look up at you smiling and milk dripping out of the corner of their mouth. sigh. I stopped with her at 10 months but we supplemented with formula at daycare at 4 months and at home starting at 6 months.
Second baby was completely the opposite. He took to breastfeeding like a champ. Where my first baby fell down the chart after birth, he shot up to the top. We bonded immediately. He was efficient (had to be with a toddler running around, couldn’t spend my day on the couch after all). No thrush, no colic. He wouldn’t even take solids until 8 months. We never gave him formula at home but still had to supplement at daycare. My last day breastfeeding him was a week after his birthday.
Both kids have a very strong immune system, still, at 11 and 9 years old. I look back on it with fond memories (well not the thrush, pumping or the tears). A little sad that I will never experience that ever again.
Good luck. I hope your experience with the second one is similar to mine. You were very brave and very strong to persevere despite how difficult it was.
So proud of you for persevering those first months. I breastfed both of my boys until age 3 (I know, it’s not for everyone), but it worked for us. I experienced major pain during my very first month and in retrospect it could have been totally avoided. I would try to hit up some LLL meetings as you go through your pregnancy with #2. It was always so very helpful to me during and after pregnancy.
Oh Katie, my boobs hurt (all over again!) from what you went through!! There are TONS of moms out there – including me – that had issues with breast feeding. My now 17 month old had torticollis (wry neck basically from getting stuck) and was an awful right side nurser because that’s where he pain was. So we had lots of PT, OT and boob PAIN! Anyway we got through it and it ended up being such a good experience for all of the reasons you mentioned. It was bittersweet when it ended at 16 months but I knew I did what (I think) is the best thing to do for my baby. I’m happy that you were able to get through it too but the question remains, will you BF with Bower #2???
Wow. I don’t have any children, and honestly didn’t know how difficult that journey would be. I’m proud of you for making it to one year! Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you for sharing your journey. I was one of the “lucky ones” who really had an easy time nursing all three of my now 10, 7, and 5 year old kiddos. With the exception of the 5 year old who was nursed a little longer because she was allergic to dairy and soy, so I had been on a dairy free diet for the year ( can you imagine a world without cheese?!?!) and it was important to ween her extremely slowly while we found a “milk” that she could drink. Anywho…. Even though each child was easy on the breast feeding front, each experience was very different!
You are also right to remind us not to judge others. Sometimes working a full time job outside the home makes us a better mom, some times it’s formula, sometimes it’s public school/home school/ private school…. The point is what is right in our own personal families is not always right for our neighbors…so instead of judging we should be supporting and encouraging…would make this business of being moms and dads so SO much easier. And now I will step down from the soap box!
Amen, sister!! Thanks for providing this candid account of your experience. When I breastfed my daughter, it was the most painful experience of my life. Add in a yeast infection (she gave to me), and mastitis, and it was the hardest part of my pregnancy/birth. I pumped until 2 months, when there just wasn’t any milk left (my entire family has struggled with milk supply). I wept the day I pumped for the last time. I felt like an utter failure for my daughter.
But when she grows up and has kiddo’s of her own, I’ll remind her that the best thing she can do for her baby is not breastfeed, but maintain her sanity.
I will try again with the next babe, and work harder with the lactation consultant, but I am at peace with the fact that I tried, and partially succeeded for two whole months, to provide my wee one with the best food. And, guess what – I was a formula baby, and I think I turned out okay!
Katie, this could not have come at a better time. I was sitting in bed, crying while pumping ky right breast after ursing my 11 day old son. He latched onto the left side beautifully, without assistance and its such a wonderful experience – everything you read in the books! However it is like Thunderdome every time he latches onto the right. I get the stomping and the crying for the first ten seconds. It hurts the entire time he nurses because of the injury to my nipple. And to top it off I got mastitis in that breast because of the repeated injuries. This is something I would not wish it on my worst enemy, fortunately antibiotics make you feel better pretty quickly.
I just really appreciate you sharing this perspective, I really needed to read something like it thismorning. There are so many benefits to breastfeeding. I think my favorite is the unlimited hours a day I get to spend.staring at my baby, and seeing some of the sweetest faces imaginable and holding him as much as I want. And my little guy will be in daycare so he immune benefits are a real draw. But its also really really hard, and reading this has strengthened my resolve to keep at it. You are such a good mom and your kids are lucky!
Pardon my typos, I’m on my phone !
Thanks for sharing your story, Katie!! I completely identify with it. My son is now 20 months. I breastfed him till he was 15 mos. Until about 10 months old, he fed about every 1.5 hours during the day and every 3 hours at night. He took 2 bottles around 6 or 8 months when I finally begged my husband to let him have formula (he was ABSOLUTELY AGAINST IT) for just one feeding so I could finally just leave the house by myself for 2 hours to have some sanity. Shortly thereafter, our son started refusing all bottles so I was back to never leaving his side again.
I had a home birth, all natural. And my son was over 9 lbs. I say the pain of that paled in comparison to breastfeeding (at least the first 5 months anyways).
I found it really hard not to become resentful. Of my son. Of my husband who was anti-formula. About 4 months post partum I went into depression. At first I medicated myself by eating a ton of junk food then finally went to my midwife to get on meds for it. So…yeah, breastfeeding I would say actually caused me to gain weight, indirectly.
By 10-11 months, things got easier and I guess I continued to 15 months as kind of a healing thing since it was going better and I could actually enjoy it. I cried to when we were all done. It’s strangely emotional when it’s over.
My midwife did warn me before he was born, “Most of my mothers are fine with the birth. But the breastfeeding is what kicks their butts.” I guess I thought she was exaggerating. Or that somehow I’d be a “natural”. But, yeah, just like so many other aspects of parenthood, I was humbled. Parenting is a very humbling experience.
I’m glad to know I’m not the only one to go through this kind of journey. I am still working through the emotions of it all. And it helps to read your story.
This is a great recounting of your experience! I feel very fortunate that the lactation consultant at our hospital gave me antibiotic cream on day 2 for my cut/blistered nipple (ick!) and told me to go ahead and keep nursing. From what I’ve seen, nothing is harder for mom (or more confusin for baby) in those early days than the juggle of pumping, some nursing, and bottle-feeding. It can create nipple confusion but, more importantly, is a recipe for exhaustion! Congratulations on nursing to one year. You really gave a wonderful gift to Will.
It is tough- but so rewarding if you can stick with it. At my daughter’s 9 day growth spurt, she decided that nursing EVERY. SINGLE. waking hour would better be spent nursing. Oh the pain. I can remember curling my toes every time she had to latch on and holding her tight, because it hurt SOOOOOO much. After visits with lactation consultants and discovering that her latch was fine, a friend recommended Newmans Nipple Cream. It was a miracle cream. I countinued to nurse Claire for a year, but not without this cream.
You’d think that after all of that nursing the second baby would have been easy. I mean I nursed her EVERY HOUR for five months, and nursed exclusively for a year. It still took me 5 weeks to get into the swing of things with my second baby- but I didn’t need the cream with Simon.
Now you know you can do it!!
When you say it hurt, do you mean your nipples were raw and didn’t get a chance to heal properly and that’s why it hurt? Or did it hurt the way he was sucking? Or was it the uterus contracting that hurt? I’m not discounting your pain, just curious as to what you mean when you say it hurts baddd. I was warned the nipples could get sore so I used that ridiculously expensive European cream from the very beginning after every nursing and, aside from a little nipple tenderness in the first week, I never felt a thing resembling pain and didn’t need the cream after a few weeks. I’m curious the kind and location of pain because I live (and lived when my baby was born) in countries with very high levels of breastfeeding- Scotland and Australia – and I’ve never heard that pain is normal after the initial period of nipple tenderness is past. I’ve only heard there’s pain if it’s being done incorrectly.
I’m glad you’re being honest and putting your story out there because there are obviously people (who’ve commented above) who can relate. Feeling condemned and alone in your pain is a horrible thing!
I so understand, and Im so sorry it was like that for you as well. Breastfeeding was SO hard for my oldest son and I. It hurt SO bad. I used to have my husband squeeze my foot while he latched on because it was the only way I could phsyically FORCE myself to allow him to latch, to not push him away from my breast. I really felt like this must be some kind of problem for me, because what kind of mother wants to push her baby away when all he wants to do it nurse? He would start to root with his little open mouth and my heart would break, because instead of feeling like ‘oh! You need me! I can feed you’ it was more ‘oh no, please no, no no no no no’. It took time, I want to say until around 5 or 6 months until we hit our stride with breastfeeding, and then he eventually weaned himself at 14 months.
I am now breastfeeding my second baby boy, who will be six months on Saturday, and oh my gosh. SO MUCH EASIER. I never experienced the searing pain like I did the first time. Maybe that just means my nipples are made of rawhide now, but whatevs, Ill take it. So…just as encouragement, should you choose to breastfeed again (and Im not judgin if you dont, really!)…it was NOTHING like that the second time. There was still some initial soreness, but not like the first time. I remember when he Luke (2nd baby) was about 2 weeks old I was nursing him on the sofa and my husband (who doesnt notice this sort of thing very much) sat down and said how happy he was to see me not crying when I nursed a baby.
Oh. my. goodness…..YES! Breastfeeding HURTS!!! I don’t know why those lactation people lie about it? Are they afraid no one will nurse if they admit that it hurts? Probably the opposite – more people quit because it does hurt when the lactation people say it shouldn’t, so they just give up thinking they are doing something wrong.
I remember sitting on the couch nursing my babies and curling my toes as hard as I could to keep from screaming. It was so painful. I was cracked and bleeding and dry and my poor baby would have blood in her mouth whenever she was done. I felt horrible, but I knew that even blood mixed with breastmilk was better for my baby than formula. And like Will, my baby never took bottles either, so I was it for the first year. Wowza! Thankfully the pain does go away and then breastfeeding can become beautiful. I’m sorry that Will never really enjoyed it or took that time to bond to you. Here’s hoping your next baby , after the pain is gone for you, will really enjoy bfing and you guys can have a truly great experience. Well, maybe great after the first six weeks after your nipples toughen up and it doesn’t hurt!
So was pumping no better? I know my sister in law tried to breastfeed for months, but she found her baby was a slow eater on the boob. She switched to a pump and she was much happier, it went way faster, and the baby ate way more (and now dad had to help with the late night feedings!)
I hope your new little nubber is nicer to your boobs!
(it is weird to talk about a strangers boobs…hahah)
I know your pain with the breast feeding. I cried whenever I thought of doing it and I thought the pain was unreal. I was bleeding and so chapped for a long time and nothing seemed to heal them… But like you described, one day it just got easier and that was the best day of my life. It took my husbands encouragement to keep nursing him. I had to use a nursing shield bc he couldn’t attach well enough without one. It was such a discouraging way to start but I am so glad I did it.
Thanks for writing this! With my baby boy, we had a relatively easy start with a painful and traumatic wake-up call at 4 months. We found out that he wasn’t gaining weight (to the ounce–nothing between 2 and 4 months) and the cause was tongue-tie. After fighting with doctors to FIX the problem and trying to pump 21+ ounces of supplemental milk a day in addition to 4 feedings lasting 45 minutes each, we finally got that tongue snipped. Every single day I woke up and thought that it might be my last day. I hated that my time with Baby Mac was so stressful and that I was crying for so much of it.
Like you wrote, things slowly got better–now he’s 8 1/2 months old and started biting. It’s always something, right?
I had a similar experience with my first child. Just to encourage you, I had NO pain with my second child breastfeeding. I had gotten myself prepared for colic and razor blade cutting pain and NOTHING! We now have four children, and with the last two I only had pain for 2 to 3 weeks with nursing. Nothing like the first time. I used more Lansinoh with my last three, and I think that helped some.
I pray that your second baby will be easier on you! Thanks for sharing your experience, because it is hard–especially when it’s your first child.
Katie- as usual your honesty is appreciated and refreshing. Before I had my son (my first born) I was indifferent about nursing. I said ‘if it works for us great…but I wont beat myself up’. Fast forward to having a child born 10 weeks early and in the NICU and my commitment to nursing (or providing breastmilk) was now very strong. Unfortunately, our son did not ever come home with us, and he passed away one month after he was born. However when we had my daughter I knew I really wanted to give nursing an honest shot. You are SO right about the idea that if youre doing it ‘right’ it wont hurt…BS!!! I relied on nipple shields while nursing for about a month after she was born. They were spread all over the house! My husband called them my ‘boob hats’. They SAVED ME!!!! I ended up nursing my daughter for one year (pretty much exactly). She was down to morning and night when we stopped. She was ready to wrap it up at the end and so was I. She was so distracted…shed be trying to watch the cat play or find my husband in the room–while keeping my boob in her mouth. Yeeaahh….I wouldnt say I miss it…but Im proud as hell that I did it for a full year.
The only thing I’ll say is that I feel that the immunity thing can be bit misleading to new moms. I work three days and so my daughter is in daycare…shes sick ALL THE TIME. Let me type that again…ALL THE TIME. I seriously feel/felt like I was doing something wrong…was I not getting enough nurtients to keep her protected? Was there something missing from my milk? I feel that breastfeeding is definitely the best for babies…but know that alot of other factors can contribute to their wellness such as the time of year they are born, if there are alot of cold and bugs floating around, if they go to daycare, etc…and I think some people in general just have a stronger immunity to things. I wish I hadnt beat myself up wondering if somehow I was getting her sicker!!!
Thank you for sharing your story KB!!! I hope you are feeling well and this new little Bower in da Belly is being good to momma!
XO Lynn
Katie, thanks for sharing! I also had a hard time with my first. Not as bad as you, but she would refuse to nurse & I hurt badly too. A year ago I had a another baby & it went so much better this time. He nursed right away & I had hardly any pain. Just wanted to tell you that things might go better with your next baby. I hope they do!
Oh my goodness mama!! I am SO glad to hear this. I went through the EXACT same thing..it took us ( me and my babe, Liam) 7 full weeks..!! 7!!!!! I use to CRY and Wince, and sweat everytime he latched…and then THANK YOU JESUS, it all got better, and I am SO proud to say that I nursed for 18 months..and he weaned himself…..The best thing I EVER did!! <3
Your post is an answer to prayer. My daughter is exactly 11 mo old today and I am starting to get the condescending “when are you going to stop nursing” questions and it’s really bothering me. My nursing experience is VERY different than yours however, she is a comfort nurser and we had that text book bonding/nursing experience that you talked about…
I started talking to my hubby about weaning and quitting, but I started bawling. My daughter is VERY active and the only time during the day that she sits and snuggles and isn’t wiggling is when she’s nursing. It’s our only quiet time where I get to HOLD my baby girl. I am so worried that without nursing I will someone be loving her less. Of course my hubby could not be more supportive “stop when you’re ready” and “don’t let anyone bully you into quitting before you or she is ready.” He understands because I nursing and he NEVER gets snuggle time because she’s such a busy body.
I just hope that I can get over the judgement of others and stop nursing when I am ready instead of when society expects me to be done. It’s so hard. Thank you so much for posting about this 🙂 I hope nursing baby Bower 2 goes much better and is easier for you! I’ll be cheering for you Katie!
April, I never reply to other peoples comments, especially, on someone elses blog 😉 but oh my goodnesss…Telling someone that the way they love their child helps you love yours, is the sweetest, most affirming, most heart felt compliment I have ever laid my eyes on:) I got chills when I read it! I dont even know you, and I can just tell that you are an amazing mama!!
Good for all of you who had such rough going and stuck with it! That is truly admirable and your babies will be healthier (and maybe even smarter!) for it. I have had four children, all breastfed round-the-freaking-clock-forever-and-a-day, and while we’ve been blessed with relatively painless experiences it STILL is not easy! So I have mad respect for anyone who goes through what you went through and sacrifices so much for their baby’s wellbeing. It speaks well of your commitment and of your willingness to suffer, and isn’t that what mamahood is all about? Haha. Here’s to next time being smoooooth for you.
Wow. I just cried! My daughter is nine months old now, and I had a very similar experience with her. Thankfully, now she’s a grand champion nurser, but it took about six months for everything to work right. I’m glad you shared how difficult the beginning can be; I wish someone had warned me going in. Maybe then I would have felt like less of a failure. I thought I was the only new mom that had to bite down on my own arm to keep from crying out and startling my baby.
Now I’m kind of terrified of the weaning process. Her before nap/bedtime nursings are the ONLY cuddle times she grants me, and I’m scared that I won’t get to hold her anymore once we stop! Was Will at all like that?
Katie, thank you so much for this post. It is everything I felt those first 6 weeks – said much more eloquently than I could ever write. My son will be 1 next week, and although we only made it to 9 months, I’m so happy we worked through those harrowing 6 weeks. The pain, the tears, thoughts of quitting, the scratches, the SCREAMING – we were there too. I wish I read this a year ago. I judged those girls too – never never again. I wholeheartedly believed nursing would be this blissful, peaceful experience and I can now say I’ve never been so naive. I’m thankful that I had the chance to do it, and would do it again with our next. But it’s most definitely one of the hardest things I have ever done. As much as I wouldn’t wish the pain on anyone, it is nice to know I wasn’t alone in my experience. I hope your belreastfeeding journey with #2 is easier!
Awesome post, Katie! I also had a really hard time with breastfeeding at first. Raw, bleeding, scabby — it was torture. It got easier after the first few weeks, luckily, and we continued until my son turned 13 months. Now I tell ALL my pregnant friends that yes, it does have great benefits, but it is NOT always easy in the beginning, and it hurts!
Katie,
Great post! I agree, breastfeeding is no joke! With my first child, I would curl my toes and make facial expressions like someone was stabbing me each time he latched on. I also had a c-section and the pain of the recovery from the surgery was nothing, NOTHING, compared to the pain of breastfeeding. Before my child was born, I would dream of how awesome breastfeeding was going to be. Boy was I WRONG! I ended up exclusively pumping for one year with my son and then again with my daughter (2 years later). I had soooo much guilt at first because I could not actually nurse but then a came to terms with it that I was still giving my child breastmilk but just from a bottle. It was a lot of work but I found some great benefits to it. Congrats on sticking it out for a year and good luck with the next baby.
You just wrote an entire post about my life nursing. Thank you!!!
Thanks for writing it all out. I’ve always said that the delivery part isn’t the hard part. It’s the nonstop breastfeeding. It was superhard and it paralleled your experience with Will. I even had my obgyn tell me that the wide open crack on my nipple might not heal for the entire breastfeeding relationship. Luckily for me I found a great group of lactation consultants at the local hospital that I could visit for free. And they eventually fixed me up. I ended up feeding him for 2 years.
I will let you know that my daughter has been a piece of cake….so hopefully that will be your experience also.
I do have to say I cut out dairy products for the first several months and I feel like it helped their feeding issues.
I appreciate your ability to share your experiences!
Katie! Thank you SO much for your honesty. It was terrifying, but definitely appreciated. No one tells you the crazy things that you will go through as a woman. I remember the night of my wedding (if you catch my drift) thinking that everything was going to be great, but yea…wow was it painful!–No one prepared me for that!! Especially as Christians, I think we are afraid to talk about such things. Everyone just glosses them over. I don’t have any kids yet, but I look forward to my own breast feeding challenge. Thank you. 🙂
I’ve read your blog for sometime, but I don’t think I’ve ever commented… until today. If I’d written about my BFing journey, it would have been identical to this. The pain was intense, I was raw, and the lactation consultant kept telling me it might be a little “uncomfortable” but we were doing everything right. It got so bad that I would have my husband pinch me or inflict pain on another part of my body while I was nursing so that I wouldn’t be completely consumed by the pain our daughter was inflicting on me. I too stuck it out and it got easier, but it was never as easy as I was made to believe it should be. My daughter weaned just after 16 months, when I was 3 months pregnant with her sister. And while my 2nd BFing journey still isn’t ‘easy’ (we have our share of fitful nursing sessions), there really isn’t any pain!!! Best wishes 2nd time around 🙂
My son’s 1st birthday is on Sunday and we stopped breastfeeding this past Wednesday (he got his first cold and couldn’t eat from me at all). It’s crazy that my breastfeeding journey was almost exactly what yours was! I remember feeding him during month one and literally counting down the days until he hit a year and we could stop! I thought to myself, “there is no way in God’s green earth we are going to make it to a year.” I wasn’t even so sure I could make it to the next feeding! I prayed more for healing and help during those first few months than ever before. I wish I knew then what I know now and could have realized that God was teaching me so many valuable lessons during that time! And as much as I once hated breastfeeding, I cried when I realized this part of my mommy days with him were over.
Thank you for again sharing your experience!!
Thank you for sharing your story Katie. After a complicated delivery, I also had a hard time nursing. My milk just would not come, it took almost 2 weeks. If it wasn’t for the support of my husband, best friend and mother, I would have easily given up. My mom told me to give it a month and I did and the milk arrived. Only it was never as much as was needed. My goal was to make it to six months, exclusively with breast milk and I was able to with the help of my best friend. She was super producer and was able to supplement my supply with her frozen milk. I can never thank her enough for that. At around 7 months, I had to start supplementing with formula as I wasn’t pumping enough at work. It broke my heart and I felt like a failure, but I did the best I could! I also was down to 2 feedings a day around my daughter’s first birthday and she gave it up easily as your son. It made me sad, but I knew it was the right time. I’m now pregnant with baby #2 as well and while I am hoping for a less complicated delivery this time, as I’ll be a scheduled c-section, I am scared that I will have a hard time with it again. And then how to manage that challenge with the challenge of chasing a toddler around as well?!? Anyway, thanks for sharing as always, I wish more people shared their stories…
Wow, Katie. Your story is so similar to mine with this. Thank you so much for sharing it. I felt very alone when I was going through those first 3 months of pure hell. It seemed all the women around me had no issues with nursing and didn’t know what to tell me. I had to go to a breastfeeding “doctor” at least 3 times, and those women are the only reason I am still nursing today, 9 months later. They took one look at my shredded nipples and winced, one of them saying it was the worst she’s seen. I had to take a break for about 4 weeks and strictly pump so that I could give my body time to heal. Before I took the break to pump, whenever I did put the baby on I would cuss rapid fire and grit my teeth. It is the worst pain ever. My husband said I was like that scene from “The Kings’ Speech” when he rattles off the F-word nonstop. It hurt so bad. It took a long time to get our groove down, but I pushed through and I am so thankful I did. The whole process taught me what I’m made of, and it gave me so much confidence about motherhood that I didn’t even know I needed. If I could endure that insanity for 3 months, I can do anything. 🙂 I so pray that your story with baby no. 2 is much different! Thanks again for sharing this, it validated me in so many ways.
A friend told me to commit to breastfeeding for at least 3 weeks…because it was going to be miserable at first. My son had cluster feedings early on, meaning in the middle of the night, he would want to nurse for half an hour and then start up again 15 minutes later. And though the nursing itself didn’t feel too bad, my nipples were raw and bleeding which meant he was swallowing blood and then pooping blood which of course had me in a panic. And the leaking milk…ugh. That just grossed me out.
Now my son is almost 9 months old and we are down to morning, following afternoon nap and nighttime feeding and he would probably drop them all if I let him. He’s just nursing out of courtesy now!
It’s wonderful for you to share, because so many people will experience the same thing.
My first was not a good nurser, but we were getting better after the first week, and then he developed a horrible, bleeding diaper rash. The doc told us the breastmilk went through his system too quickly and the acid from his stomach was burning his sensitive skin. I pumped for 6 months and gave him a 50/50 mix of breastmilk and formula to spare his skin.
My second was an excellent nurser. We had a rough few days in the hospital as I recovered from an emergency c-section, but then everything clicked. We breastfed exclusively for 3 months until I went back to work. The transition to the bottle was awful for both of us, but in the end, she preferred the bottle. She weaned herself at 5 months and we transitioned to formula in the bottles without much fuss.
I hope the new baby will a better experience for both of you. You know you can do it, and that confidence will be a huge help.
Thanks for sharing your story. Mine was similar – without the thrashing, wild baby part. It did hurt at first. It was the most searing 5 seconds of pain I’d ever felt and heaven forbid the baby unlatch and want to re-latch. Ouch!
Just to give you a little more hope – the second time, for me, was so much easier. It’s like the ta-tas remembered exactly what to do (event though they hadn’t done it for 2 years). I didn’t experience any of the pain or rawness. I didn’t even get engorged. Your body learns to regulate itself almost immediately the second time. I told my doctor, “uh, you could have told me this would be different.” “Oh? I didn’t” Doh!
So, I’m betting and hoping that your next experience with breast-feeding will be much different.
This brings back memories… the tears as my baby girl nursed and I sat in pain worrying about if I was doing it right, if she was getting enough milk, if I was eating the right things. My husband would say, “so give her formula”. To which I would cry, “then I won’t produce enough!” So he’d say, “So keep feeding her,” and the cycle would continue. He didn’t understand, I felt crazy, guilty and a million other emotions! I even got mastitis a week in, went back to work after 8 weeks and pumped with both girls until they were around 10 months, but we all survived. It was definitely a learning experience that I’m not afraid to talk about to help “prepare” others. In the end, you do what you think is best for You and your baby and it will be OK. I had moments in the middle of then night where I had to wake up my husband so I could take a break (and not throw the baby). So remember to take care of yourself, it makes you a good mommy to take some “time outs”!
Nursing was better for me with my second, there were still challenges and pain, but it was better. Good luck to you and all mommies out there!
Some hope… I am about done nursing my second who turns one on the 28th. I nursed my first for a year also and the beginning was pure torture. He was a marathon nurser and the pain was unmatched but the hope for you is that mine was a completely different experience the second time around. Man I hope it is for you too. My milk came in before we left the hospital quickly and it was like the girls just knew what to do. No pain. I was absolutely dreading breast feeding while pregnant and it turned out to be a waste. I know everyone’s experience is different but I sure hope you get that storybook eye contact, baby snuggling greatness this round!
I was actually breastfeeding my bambina when I read this. The overwhelming theme I took from this post was an unconditional loving sacrifice. How appropriate for this time of year.
i totally get this and YOU. i went thru the same thing… i just kept telling myself it would get better and it did. hardest thing i have EVER done. hands down. i’m so proud of US!!
Thank you for writing this Katie. I don’t have any kids yet, but I can see why moms stop nursing. I had a friend who had to stop after 2 weeks because she could just not handle it, and she decided she needed her mental capacity back – I felt so bad for her, but I too didn’t quite understand it. Until I saw another mom I know, breastfeeding in the stopped car we were in while our husbands ran an errand and she gripped the back of the seat, gritted her teeth and the girl I have NEVER seen cry ever eyes watered up and she was breathing wicked heavy. She said the first 15 seconds were pure hell because her boy was a “voracious eater” they told her. He kicked his feet and had vacuum power. It was then that I realized why some moms give up (and she didn’t). To this day I’m not scared of birth – I’m scared of breastfeeding (though I’ll try) and post-pardom OCD since I’m at high risk for it. Absolutely petrified of the dark hole. I’ve only been there once because of a short term medication my doctor put me on (helloooo side effects) and I NEVER want to experience it again, let alone naturally. That said, I also feel like it will be worth it to have that child.
Nursing is extremely personal, and extremely hard. Kudos that you stuck with it, and here is hoping that the next baby is not so rough on you. : ) I hated nursing. Every single minute of it, and I did not have the issues that you did. I mostly resented that I felt chained to the baby, constantly clock watching and waiting for the next feeding. And combine that with working full time and a baby who not sleep….yeah, so not wanting to go there again.
So no, you are not the only one. And it is okay to feel that way.
I nursed both children, but because they were in daycare, they got sick. A lot. I did not find nursing to help with their immune system at all, so you may find that although Will rarely is ill, once he enters a school system, his first year or two, he may be sick. Now, however, as my boys are older and in regular school, they rarely have a sick day, and the kids who were not in daycare seem to get sick a lot. I think immunity is built up from catching bugs and fighting them off. That is not to discourage breast feeding, because I obviously felt that I should, but for those moms who can’t or decide not to, don’t feel guilty if you kids are sick a lot and you didn’t nurse, because…you kids are going to be sick at some point.
I totally get it! I’m the mother of a two month old baby girl and can’t breastfeed anymore, though I’m trying my best to get the milk back…
I had almost the same thought you did at about the same time in breastfeeding journey, the difference is that they (medical crew) told me to feed her anyway, how long and how much she would want… that got me to 2 hours of breastfeeding at a time with about 15 minutes interval between one and another… tough, hu?
what people in the hospital didn’t told me either was that keeping on breastfeeding could make the milk go away because it depends on the wellness of the mother (oh, the irony)… I had to give up on it when the milk would come out of the wrong part of my nipple (as in the rash under it instead of the point of it) and it would be enough to even easy the hunger of my growing girl…
I haven’t totally given up on it yet, between pumping and having her latch I still hope it may become a nice supply, enough to feed her…
I know your pain, and think you were really brave and lucky all the same to being able to nurse your precious baby in spite of everything…
lots of love, and a better breastfeeding journey this time! ^^
Wow! I am so impressed that you stuck with it. I was certain as I started reading that you were going to share how you ended up switching to bottles because of how things were going, and I was totally on board with you. You are amazing!! I don’t think anyone realizes how hard it is to do something so “natural” but few people are willing to push thru all you did. The next one will be a breeze compared to this. 🙂
Thank you for being so honest, Katie!
I had the same experience… but I am not as strong as you and gave up after 3 weeks. I was miserable and definitely getting near depression. I made the decision to stop nursing and switch to formula, but still haven’t accepted or gotten over it. I beat myself up over it thinking I was too selfish or didn’t love him enough to endure the pain. :\ And I’ve always said I would try again with our next child and hopefully it would go easier… but… here I am, pregnant again and breastfeeding is definitely one of the scariest things in my near future. :\
i remember going through that with my first too! and i agree–everyone says “its such a beautiful thing” and at times it was, but it was also painful and my kids were very distractable. i had to nurse my daughter standing up and bouncing (people thought I was crazy) when I was in the nursing room at church.
it went much more smoothly with my daughter (my 2nd) and I felt much more confident. always impressed with what you share on your blog!
Thanks for telling the truth about your breast feeding experience. Mine was not quite as traumatic, but still really hard. She would not latch for the first five days, and I almost gave up trying. Eventually we worked it out, and, for the most part, all went smoothly (it does really really hurt sometimes). I went back to work full-time after only 8 weeks, so I had to pump all the time. I breastfed/pumped until my daughter was 6 months old. I wanted to do the full year, but the pumping was making me crazy. I figured, in the long run, it would be better for all of us if mommy was happy, so I decided to just stop. I had enough milk stored up to last through month 7, and my daughter transitioned to the formula just fine. I still felt really guilty for stopping early when technically everything was working fine. I was stopping for entirely selfish reasons, and I felt like a terrible mom for awhile. So, thanks for the comment about not judging. I think I judged myself harsher than anyone else would. My daughter just turned 17 months, and is doing great. I can look back now with a much clearer head, and I realize I made the decision that was right for my family at the time. I’m happy I was able to do it for as long as I did. I actually know more women who couldn’t do it at all (milk allergies, low-supply, wouldn’t ever latch), so I realize how lucky I was to have that experience at all. Thanks again for sharing!!!
Thanks for sharing your story, Katie. I’m not a mother yet (or even pregnant for that matter) but I had always planned to at least try breastfeeding whenever we do have kids. It’s nice having a heads up for what to expect.
This is a great post, thank you so much for your honesty! What a beautiful story 🙂
Hi Katie,
I’ve been reading and loving your blog for a very long time, but this is my first comment. I’m sitting here in tears because you just described my BF experience in a lot of ways. I literally had every problem in the book – tongue-tied baby, thrush, mastitis, over and under supply issues, etc. I stopped after three months, and my son seemed so much happier and gained the weight he was lacking, but I’ve never gotten over the pain or forgiven myself for stopping. He’s 17 months now, and it perfectly healthy and happy, but when I looked at my scarred nipples, I wonder if I could have done more.
Thanks for sharing your story. None of my girlfriends had problems, and my mother just begged me to quit bc she couldn’t bear to see me in such pain, but I think it’s really good for new moms to hear about moms who are honest about the problems and are able to work through it.
Hi Katie – Thank you for this heartfelt and honest post. I can see why it took a year to write it and why you would be emotional and I have all the respect in the world for you for continuing to nurse Will when it was so painful and traumatic. You are a super momma!
That being said – I hope this raw and honest post doesn’t discourage any moms out there from breastfeeding. I know that wasn’t your intention at all and you do give some great reason TO breastfeed. My son turned one last month and I’m in the weaning process and I’m definitely sad about it. Nursing hasn’t been easy (I have a pretty low supply so was constantly nursing/pumping/nursing/pumping… I had mastitis… my son gets VERY distracted and at times I’ve felt more like I was wrestling than feeding… he bites…he pounds on my chest as he eats… even at 12 months he was still eating at least every three hours… etc. etc. ) but the rewards FAR outweigh the struggles. I look forward to his 5am wake up calls and his bedtime because that is when he (usually) is just sweetly, sleepily eating and we have such beautiful, quiet times. He’ll look at me and smile and say “mama” and just melt my heart. Since he’s an incredibly “busy” boy (so labeled by his doctor, nonetheless) his early morning and evening feedings are really the only snuggle time I get with him. I think nursing has been an incredible bonding experience and it calms both of us for sure. But like I said, it hasn’t been easy and it hasn’t always been comfortable. I remember cringing in the beginning too when him latching on was very painful. And I spent lots of time soaking my sore chest in steamy hot water with epsom salts – a tip from my lactation consultant. (I also highly suggest finding a lactation consultant that you love. They can be tremendous sources of encouragement and knowledge when you’re getting started. Our ped’s office had 2 on staff so I was able to see them frequently and this was priceless!)
Anyway, congrats on reaching your 1-year goal and best wishes on your nursing journey with baby #2!
Thanks for sharing Katie! My one year was in February and not a day goes by that I don’t think about it and wish able to do it longer. I nursed my daughter for six months and when I started a new job I stopped because I was afraid to ask to pump because I was fearful I wouldn’t be hired and we desperately needed the income. It was indeed one of the hardest things I have ever done but the most rewarding. My daughter was 15 months when she had her first sick visit and I attest that to nursing even if it was only for six months. Thank you for being so honest all of the time.
good for you for keeping up with it. I chose sanity instead and gave up after 3 months. I remember the looks I got from the other mothers, it still bugs me 10yrs later. But I will tell you this my husband felt more useful then most fathers because he could feed him and he didn’t feel left out, like a lot of fathers do the first year.
I experienced the same pain you describe but fortunately for me it only lasted a few days. I also had the chills and did not want to come out from under a blanket. My husband would bring my son to me to nurse and I would start crying, and as he latched on I was shouting obscenities! I pumped for about 2 days and used all the creams and those soothies that you store in the refrigerator and put on your nipples and everything healed up. After that it was smooth sailing, but I had to stop at 7 months because I got pregnant with my 2nd. I really wish I could have done it for a year. I had no issues with pain with my 2nd son and I hope the same for you! My best girlfriend just had her first baby and had major issues with breastfeeding and after a few weeks of hell, decided to feed with formula. I encouraged her to breastfeed if she could, but told her I would never judge her if she had to stop (she said some moms she worked with were very judgmental). I know how hard it can be!!
Katie,
Thank you so much for sharing your story! I had the exact same experience and I think we were going through it all at the same time. My little girl will be 2 on April 13th. It was such horrible pain, I remember just as you said clutching onto something, sweating, wincing because the pain was so bad. I also remembered reading (and being told) that if latching was correct that it should be painfree..what a LIE! I met with lactation consultants that said we were doing it perfectly…so why did it hurt SO BAD?!!? I almost gave up myself, one morning in particular when my husband was leaving for work, crying because I was so scared that I didn’t know how I was going to feed my baby that day…we prayed. The baby fell back asleep and I sobbed on the phone to a friend who encouraged me and I got through another day and another. Our little girl was about as happy/colic as you’re saying Will was so I was constantly worried was she still hungry..do I really have to nurse again..right now?! And on top of that she would nurse for 40-45 min! But it did get better, not soon enough but it did. When Noel was 8 months old. We surprisingly found out we were expecting baby number 2! Let me encourage you now the second one was 100x easier! I don’t know if it was because my body knew what to do, or our second was not such a strong sucker..who knows [they are both girls]. But I honestly had about 3-4 days of pain (that wasn’t as bad) vs. months of pain the first time around. So I will pray specifically that you have that (or better) experience for your 2nd bundle 🙂 My 2nd is just over 8 months old now and at this point I’m just looking forward to having my body to myself since I have been pregnant, nursing, or both since July of 2009..oy! Congrats! and hope you’re feeling great!
Thanks for sharing your story. Both of my girls tore up my nipples and I’ll never forget the pain. I remember bracing myself before each feeding and crying a lot. My husband must have thought that I had post partum depression. No one tells you how much it hurts and just how hard it can be. It’s really a shame. I blame the Le Leche League types for making it appear as though it’s this pain free, natural, and easy process. It’s not. I remember reaching out to friends who had babies after my first was born and it was only then that people told me all about their awful nursing experiences. It would have helped to know before so that I wouldn’t have felt like a complete failure and thinking something was wrong with my baby for not grasping this natural process!
Hey Katie! LOVE your blog, and love your vulnerability! My son was born c-section too (he and Will are actually very close in age) and I also breastfed him for around 10 months. I did want to throw something out. I also went through excruciating pain for a few weeks while breastfeeding, only to have a friend ask me if it was possible I had thrush. I asked my doctor and he looked at my breasts and said they looked normal, but I was so in so much pain, really, it burned and stung . It was awful. A few weeks later, an older couple from church invited us over for dinner. He is a retired ob, so I was asking him if it really was supposed to hurt THIS badly. He looked in Jackson’s mouth, and in the very back he could see thrush. But he had to really look. So he said it was entirely possibly for Jackson AND I to have thrush (even if my nipples looked normal). Anyway, he wrote us both a prescription, and within days I felt complete relief. He even said it is more common for c-section moms and babies to have thrush, something to do with all of the antibiotics. I am in no way try ing to say that breastfeeding in general doesn’t hurt, but I just thought for you or other moms who are in extreme pain, it might be thrush, and you just might not know it.
Congrats on your second little bundle of joy!! I am pregnant too with number two..due just a few weeks apart from you! Thanks again for your blog!
I had a very similar experience, my girl is now 3 months old, but the first month of nursing her was torture and a lot of pain. There were many, many times where we’d both be crying and I’d be stomping my foot and writhing in pain. But I had an amazing lactation consultant (3rd one I saw!), and a patient husband, that got me through it. I am so glad I did, and now I too have a great deal of sympathy for moms that struggle with breastfeeding – it ain’t easy. People don’t tell you that breastfeeding is so hard! I always tell people when they ask about labor, “it was nothing compared to the pain of breastfeeding.” Coming out the other side is wonderful though, nothing beats the ability to give your baby that gift. I’m glad you shared this.
Thank you for sharing this story, especially since nobody seems to talk about this openly.
I had no idea breastfeeding can hurt so much, until my co-worker told me a while ago about her experience – for her the pain never stopped, and she suffered the whole year and she still shivers at the thought of it. Until then I had honestly thought that delivery was the hard part, and after that the worst thing that could happen would be losing sleep. I stand corrected.
As a young woman still thinking about her options (adoption/biological baby, vaginal birth/planned c-section etc.), I really appreciate honesty and different points of view. So thank you. 🙂
Fingers crossed that things are easier this time around!
What a great post. It’s inspiring to hear stories of other women overcoming struggles with breastfeeding. I sometimes think it’s harsh to do this, but I often feel compelled to tell first time pregnant moms planning on breastfeeding, how hard it really might be. How a lot of the information out there isn’t always true, specifically that it shouldn’t be painful if done right. How can having your nipples sucked on for the better part of 12 hours a day, day after day, NOT cause pain?
I think it’s great when REAL information from real mom’s and their experiences are put out there. Sure, not everyone will have the same experience, but knowledge is best in preparing for any situation that you hope to make it through. Thanks for this great post!
Oh goodness, I am so sorry you went through that with Will. My son is almost four months, and I was one of those naive new moms who thought I had it so easy – oversupply, a great feeder, little pain.
But now I’ve gone back to work, and these three weeks of pumping every day is rocking my world. Now I can’t keep up with how much he eats, some days I barely pump enough for two feedings, and I’ve had to eat my words “he’ll never take formula.” And now the little guy gets so frustrated when he nurses, because it’s not as fast as a bottle during the day. I thought we’d make it to one year easy; we may it to one year, but it won’t be easy!
Thanks for sharing your story. I too will never look down on women who can’t or choose not to breastfeed exclusively, or at all.
I can sooo relate to your story, my first was just like Will. I ended up using a nipple shield (ladies, look these up before giving up BF) and nursed well past 1 year (once my baby relaxed more — months later! — I gave up the shield and we were able to transition back to just the breast easily).
My second was a “gentle” nurser in comparison. Plus it is like riding a bike, once you know how to do it (consider Will your BF boot-camp) chances are good your next experience will be far less traumatic!
Holy crap Katie, I knew you were tough – but this is INCREDIBLE. What an absolutely beautiful story (and thank you for getting the composure to finally share it!!). I can’t believe everything you went though and all the pain you endured to give the best for Will. I’m so proud of you! That just shows you what a determined and dedicated mother you are!
I would like to say, it’s not like that for everyone though. I’ll spare you the details, but after 2-3 weeks, breastfeeding was pretty easy! I mean, the first 3 weeks were utter torture and mostly ended in me crying too, but hey. It was worth it.
SO JEALOUS that you lost all that weight so fast! I swelled up like a balloon too. It was even in my face, it was beyond disgusting.
I hope next time for upcoming baby Bower things work out better for you two! I’m so excited for you!!
Katie, I don’t even know where to begin except that I really admire your courage in sharing your journey. Wow and I’m officially terrified. If we are blessed with child(ren), I will be reading this post in my darkest moments because God knows I will need it. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Xoxo.
I have to say I am a little relieved that you had some of the same thoughts I did! I thought I was evil because my automatic reflex was to get the thing that was hurting me away also! My second has always been a really fast eater. It was not horrible at first but the closer we got to the one year mark the worse it got. I was in agony. He was just so greedy! I flat out quit at around 10months because I just could not do it anymore. I am glad it was not that bad at first! Thanks for sharing. It is nice to know you are not alone.
oy! katie, you are a wonder woman. i got a little taste of what you experienced the first few weeks with my first baby. no one tells you it can be incredibly painful. and the books SAY it might be “uncomfortable” but they SHOULD say “searing pain that makes you want to claw your eyes out”. fortunately, things evened out for me a lot sooner.
baby number 2 i just had that “discomfort” in the first few weeks and baby number three? nursing champion of the world. i’m praying for baby #2 to be a champion nurser for you. how else will you simultaneously nurse the baby, chase will, blog and eat bacon?
Right on mama! My kids were both champ breastfeeders that I fed for a year. But that whole…”It shouldn’t hurt thing.” Who made that up? My mom told me it would be curl toe enducing pain in the begininning. Was it ever! When the baby latched on it took everything in my power to not scream and rip the kid off of me. I would curl my toes and hold my breath. It eventually let up and my kids could latch on pain free after months. I wasn’t prepared for it with my first, but I knew what to expect with the second. I never had to deal with mastitis, but I feel for the ladies that have or had to. They’re one tough mama! Breast-feeding is a job!
This is beautiful, moving, & oh so relatable. I wish more people would be this open about their experiences because I think a lot of women feel duped- its hard hard hard work, but oh so worth it.
I think it is amazing that you lasted through all of that pain! I honestly would not have been able to. You should absolutely be proud of the accomplishment. And I love hearing that you learned to be less judgmental of other moms. It is great to grow and learn as a mother and person. I love that you honestly shared how you felt before and how you feel now. Mom judgment is incredibly harsh- and its something we all do for whatever issue. We all need to learn from it… and grow. Thanks for setting an example!
For very personal reasons, many having to do with the fact that I had to go back to work at 2 weeks and my husband became the primary caregiver for the first 8 weeks, I chose not to breastfeed from day one. My son was formula fed immediately. He was happy and healthy from day one. And, Mama and Daddy were too. We were able to share the round the clock feedings. We were able to take turns constantly. And, every time I fed my son I was able to look in his eyes, stroke his bald head, comfort him, cuddle him, and love on him. My husband was able to do the same thing. We were lucky and able to have him watched by a nanny from 2 months until 11 months. During that time, not once did we have to take him to the doctor for anything other than a well baby visit. He had one cold during that time and I think I may have given him baby tylenol one night as well. At 11 months we moved and he had to go into a daycare. Around 12 months he got his first ear infection. We switched to cows milk at 12 months. Since then, he has had to go to the doctor on several occasions.. two more ear infections and roseola. Honestly, I blame daycare for these illnesses. Knowing how healthy he was during the first year when he was mostly not around other children (except for story time, playdates, etc)… this Mama knows in her heart that daycare just breeds illnesses. Unfortunately, it is just not an option for our family to avoid daycare. I hate that my baby gets sick because of it… but I keep telling myself that his immune system gets stronger with each illness. Getting sick can be a blessing.
Pros? I honestly feel like I enjoyed all the pros that my friends who have breastfed say they have. And my husband got to have the same ones. The bonding, the snuggle time, the sense of accomplishment.. because, lets face it, raising a child is an accomplishment no matter how you do it. My husband and I were able to share all of the burdens and all of the joys. Compared to many others experience (but, no doubt, not all) we were happier and healthier during those first couple of months of craziness. Happy parents= happy babies. My son slept through the night by 7 weeks (apparently formula is fattier and thus allows this to occur). And our marriage was better for this. Sleep deprivation makes me tempermental and angry. And all the immunities breast milk is supposed to offer… well, like I said.. my son was hardly sick while on formula.
CONs- For us.. the worst part was the money! We were spending a rediculous amount of money on formula by month 11 and 12. And I was “lucky” enough to have a skinny baby. I was spending roughly $30 a week towards the end (my son only wanted the ready to eat formula.. and I made the decision that if I wasnt going to breastfeed I would be willing to pay for top of the line formula). I know Mama’s that were feeding their babies twice as much formula a day as I was. Holy Cow. Thats a lot of money! One other con, when you run out of formula someone has to run to the store. No matter what time it is. No matter where you are. That can be very annoying.
I am absolutely not debating or judging here. I just wanted to share my experience for anyone reading this who wanted a different perspective. Because, as moms, its great to share, support, and not judge. Each mom makes a decision that she believes is honestly and 100% in the best interest of the child and their family. Every decision we make is deeply personal.. and no decision should be made in fear of judgment.
Thanks Katie for your honesty!!
This is by far one of the best, most real posts I’ve read about breastfeeding. I’m still nursing my almost 20 month old (we’re down to 1 morning session) and while I read this I was seriously clenching my thigh remember the pain I felt during those first 8 weeks. To me it was definitely the worst pain I’ve ever felt – more than my vaginal delivery and 4th degree tear.
This part was spot on: “All that to say – when you read in the books the phrase, “If you are breastfeeding correctly, it won’t hurt” – that author is LYING. through their orthadontic straightened and bleached teeth. It hurts. It hurts like a mother-effing-Singaporean-caning-to-your-nipples.”
YES!
While pregnant like you I kept telling myself if breastfeeding hurts I’m doing something wrong as all the experts say. Instead, the “experts” should just be honest and say, “For the first couple months it’s going to hurt like hell” but it will get better.
In that 8th week it was a complete transformation! It was as though the heavens opened up and angels came down! LOL! To me it’s all about managing expectations. These “experts” need to be more honest and REAL women, like you, coming forward to talk about how it really is is so important.
Regarding information, Kelly Mom was a huge resource for me in adjusting my latch. What the lactation consultant taught in the hospital was not right for me. Each woman and baby is different and it’s up to us to find out what works for us.
Like you, in the end, it was totally worth it to breastfeed. I look at my daughter and am so thankful to see her development and health and how I’ve “grown” a strong, healthy smart girl on my milk. It makes me so proud.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you for sharing your BF journey. I did not have the pain you are describing….discomfort yes) but not terrible pain. I only made it 3 weeks before giving up. No sleep and the kind of thoughts you are describing finally did me in. I had to go back to work full-time anyways. I do think what he got and the colostrum made his immunities better b/c he has only been sick enough to go to the Dr. once and never has hand an ear infection.
I feel your pain. My first few weeks were torture with baby #2. I gave up way too easily with baby #1. Perhaps it was the lack of support or my lack of knowledge. In any case I was set on nursing baby 2 for the long haul. It was hard! I broke down and cried at the thought of him coming for more. But now, it is so much better. Working full time means that I have to pump while at work to 1 – maintain my milk supply and 2 – ensure my baby gets the best of the best. I so look forward to getting home and having my little boy permanently attach to the boob so we can spend some quality time together.
Now it is so easy (once that 3 month mark). I heard 6 weeks was when things start to turn for the better – well in weeks 7 we still struggled but it WAS getting better. LOL. We occasionally have bad latching but they are so easy to fix.
Now days, I am so thankful that I stuck with it and am thankful that my husband was there to support me as much as a man (who has no boobs – LOL) can. I am thankful that he gathered us all in the car to stop at several pharmacies one night to find anything to alleviate the pain (i.e. nipple shields). And I am thankful that he understood my not wanting to introduce an artificial nipple during the first weeks of life.
It is hard! It was a challenge. I wish I would have done it (stuck with it, past the pain) with my #1 (something I regret everyday) but at least I am giving it my all with #2 and my #1 will always be my #1 – a momma’s boy always!
Man, I love my boys!
Thanks for sharing your story!!!! It does get better.
I couldn’t agree more!! My husband and I are trying for our first (fingers crossed) and although this type of thing can be scary- this was SO refreshing to read! Katie- thank you for your continued honesty and willingness to be so candid with your readers.
Very sweet. Thanks for sharing!
The first three months with my son was the hardest thing I’ve even been through in my life — it is painful and tough. I chose to switch to formula, for my sanity and his safety. I just couldn’t bare it, literally. 😉 But, I would like to note, my son is now 15 months old and has only had one cold….he has never been on an antibiotic, and is very healthy!
Thanks for sharing! I am right there with you on the judgement. I was so judgemental of women who didn’t breastfeed. Within about a week of having my son I understood completely why women don’t breastfeed. It’s freaking hard. And I didn’t have near the experience you did. Then I got pregnant again when my son was 7 months old and my milk supply just stopped. How does it just stop? is the question I would have judgementally asked someone else before it happened to me. So my sweet boy only got 7 months of breastmilk, but I’m proud of that 7 months and glad that I learned a very valuable lesson in humility. Here’s hoping our 2nd babies will be great breastfeeders! 🙂
I had a very similar experience with my first son. I was even at the point where my nipples were cracked and bleeding and the lactation nurse just kept telling me to try adjusting the latch and nursing more often. I was in agony and hated anyone to do with lactation nurses. Then at 10 weeks, I got mastitis and found that I could be in more agony. When my regular ob-gyn treated me for the mastitis she was horrified at the condition of my nipples and as a fellow mom she took pity on me and told me to come back to her office during her lunch break and she introduced me to nipple shields (which were taboo with the lactation nurses). Within 2 weeks (just in time to return to work), I was healed and able to stop using the shields. We nursed happily until his first birthday.
When my second son was born, I swore I wouldn’t put myself through that again and decided that if I had problems nursing this time, I would switch to formula. I lucked out though and had no issues! Around 3 weeks, I was a little raw, so I used nipple shields for a few days and then resumed normal nursing. I just weaned him 2 weeks ago (at his first birthday). I think a lot of our success was due to taking the pressure off of myself. I was just able to relax and work with my baby to find our groove. When I returned to work, I also supplemented with formula so I could get by with pumping just once a day and it worked out great.
Good luck Katie. I hope your second goes as smoothly as mine, but if it doesn’t, don’t beat yourself up. You’re a better mommy if you’re not in constant pain, and you’ll have two kids to care for, so you have to think about what’s best for Will as well as the new baby.
You are amazing! I tried for two weeks to breastfeed my daughter and the pain was so awful I couldn’t stand it. I chose to pump for her for the first two months and then we went to formula. After that experience I was too afraid to try breastfeeding my son so I went straight to pumping for him and pumped for two months before going to formula.
Beautiful story! I was so swollen during and after delivery as well. I was so scared about nursing my baby as my first baby I formula fed. The first month was really tough and it was hard, especially the first week when I had to pump because he was in the NICU…. but now he is 4 months and still exclusively breast feeding, I love it so much and cant stand the idea of weaning!
My sons are 7 and 5 and I still remeber the pain…very well!! It litterally takes your breath away. Just like you, no one told me what it would be like, that something so (supposedly) natural would be anything but. I even hired laction consultants to come to my home every day. Sadly, I couldn’t fully breastfeed as I was not producing enough milk. My little man was born at 4lbs 12oz and could not gain weight, so after 3 months of trying (and he only gaining 4 lbs) I had to give him a bottle. He was starving and I was miserable. (I was looked down upon by the nurses for this decision, they made me feel awful for not continuing, but my own doctor was amazing. She had my back!!) It litterally changed our lives. He immediatley gained weight, started sleeping for a 3 hour stretch and stopped crying. I was finally able to bond with my baby. Going to a bottle was the best decision for us. My dreams of breatsfeeding were dashed but I needed to do what was best for him. Many people are still given grief about not breastfeeding, which I think is wrong. I know in my heart I did everything I could for him and he is a happy and healthy boy… with so much freakin’ energy!!!! LOL 🙂 Thanks for sharing your story.
First of all, I cannot start my day of selling stocks & bonds without reading your blog. Love it. As a mom to three…12, 9 and 3…this post brings back a lot of memories. I nursed my first for 12 toe curling weeks and quit because I was frustrated with the pain and hated pumping (went back to work after 6 weeks). With my second, I had so much guilt from the first I vowed to nurse for a year. She was the baby we all read about…she and I could’ve posed in those breastfeeding books. 6 years later God suprised us with Jack. I was now a mother to two school-aged kids, active in school and sports. Oh and I’m still working, still selling those stocks & bonds. I nursed Jack for 4 pathetic days before I said goodbye to bloody nipples forever. Anyway, long story short, years out from my breastfeeding experiences I love my children more every day, and don’t regret my decisions with any of them. We’ve bonded and then some. The only bummer of it all…my perfect little breastfeeding baby, Grace, is BY FAR our sickest child. Always was, still is. Anway, prayers and hugs to you and your cute family.
Thank you for sharing this. While I have not had colic-y babies, I also had the most miserable painful time beginning breastfeeding with my first child. I cried when it was time to nurse for 2 months straight. I silently cursed those people who said “it’s not supposed to hurt if you’re doing it right.” I’m so glad more people are being honest about how it can FREAKING HURT and it’s NOT easy for everyone. I ended up nursing for longer than I ever thought I would with each of my 3 kids (16 months, 29 months, and 15 months) and I couldn’t be prouder!
Oh, this sounds so familiar. I had a nightmarish experience, too. We had every problem in the book – mastitis, thrush – all several times. He actually NEVER could eat on my left side (flat nipple), so I pumped exclusively on that side for the entire time – we made it to 10 months before my milk just completely dried up. And in case you ever wonder what only pumping for one side would do to your cha chas… My right one was about a 36 DD and the left was a 34B. LOL! I teach baby yoga & see so many mamas that really struggle with it. I too, in the past had judged, but after my experience, I said never again! It is SO hard, and I ugly cried for weeks/months in the beginning. I will give any breasfeeding mama all the support & encouragement in the world to help them make it through & tackle problems, but let them know there are lots of smart babies grown on formula too. 🙂
Beautiful, Katie!! It was as though you were writing my own story. They never do tell you how painful it’s going to be, but if you can muster through it, it does become very rewarding!
Sending hugs and prayers your way that you will be as successful this next time around, and if it doesn’t work, you are still one awesome mom! (I was only able to nurse our daughter for 8 weeks, but our son I nursed for 8 months!) Just like every child is different, so is every pregnancy/nursing experience.
Your honesty and openess is a gift!
I so feel for you. I was desperate to breast feed when I was pg with my first. At about 20 weeks pg my boobs started leaking and I started having the WORST pain imaginable, esp if it was cold. I used to get in from work and press myself up against the radiator to try and make it stop – it was truly awful. Thankfully the pain stopped immediately I gave birth and I happily breastfed for 13 months by which time I was pg again … through the winter! The pain came back virtually immediately and because the weather was awful it was so much more frequent. I used to be almost in tears on the way to work and used to try and secretly rub my boobs under my coat while I was sitting on the bus! I had friends who had babies Joe were pg and asked them about it and nobody I knew had suffered like me. So I googled and discovered Raynaud’s Phenomenon of the Nipple. I’m pretty certain that’s what I had. I don’t believe there is a cure so I just had to live with it. Again for me as soon as my second son was born it went but I remember thinking whilst pg that if this was the pain women spoke about when feeding then I am absolutely not surprised they switched to formula! You did an amazing job with Will and I wish you every success with your new bubba.
Oh Katie! I can totally relate as I sit here and nurse baby #4 who turns one this week. With each baby (the oldest is almost nine) I thought I could not survive the pain. Cracked and bleeding scabbed nipples that lactation consultants also said everything was being done right but that I have abnormally large nipples so the babies can’t fit enough in their mouths. It took at least three months before I didn’t feel like I was going to die, but after that I loved it. Something that forces me (and gives me an excuse) to stop everything while it is just me, my baby and a good book (or blog). Why dont women talk about this more and give poor mothers to be a bigger warning?
You deserve a pat on the back! I don’t know how you did it!!
Thank you so much for sharing your journey!! As someone who also had a VERY hard time breastfeeding it is always really encouraging to hear that I am not alone. My son was also born via emergency C, but he had a lot of problems breathing as soon as he was born. The problems spilled over to become issues with sucking as well, and he never latched. For weeks I sobbed as he bit and chewed at my nipples, and even with the help of shields and every lactation consultant I could find, we never could get it together. I am proud to say that despite our issues he still ate exclusive breast milk for the first three and a half months of his life. Like you I could not get over how much he would be missing out on nutritionally (and I’m cheep, too cheep to break down and buy the super expensive formula until I absolutely HAD to). So I pumped. Every three hours I was up and pumping, then feeding him. It was a vicious and exhausting cycle, but so worth it.
Thank you again, I am thinking good thoughts for you and your next little one! Hopefully they will be a boobie kiddo who takes to it like a peaceful little champ. With NO pain!!
With my first son during my very first ultrasound, they discovered I had a tumor the size of a softball on one of my ovaries. Despite annual obgyn appointments this was never discovered because of the way it was positioned, only detectable via ultrasound. So I had to have surgery to remove said tumorous ovary (which Thank You Jesus! turned out to be benign) at 16 weeks pregnant, followed by a couple months of bedrest to make sure all was good with the bambino.
Then I too had an emergency c-section (after 27 hours of labor). I remember entering into the operating room weeping because I had just had my stomach sliced opened a mere 6 months earlier. And I didnt get a cute bikini line incision like most moms – during the first operation they cut from belly button down to pubis bone to make it easier for them to get at the tumor and keep my baby safe. We affectionately named my hideous stomach “Frankenbelly” during pregnancy with the stretched out scar and marks from the staples. So they followed the same incision line for the section (cut the uterus the safer way though)
So as you can imagine I entered new motherhood exhausted (I hadn’t slept in three days) and feeling cheated out of my dream delivery after having a pretty scary pregnancy. Since I felt like a failure at my first real task as a mom (getting the baby out the most natural way) I really wanted nursing to go my way. Well four days post surgery my milk still was not in and my boy was hysterical and starving. I broke and supplemented a bottle. I made my husband take a picture of me sobbing while I fed it to him. My hubby thought I was bonkers.
And then the real fun began when we got home. Nursing hurt horribly and I had a wound rupture. Yes I kid you not. I had a visiting nurse coming to my house 3 times a day to pack the most disgusting open pit on my stomach. Frankenbelly went from cute to prophetic! My single and even married friends said that one look at my stomach was the best birth control on the market. Plus I had to go back and forth to my doctor constantly during the first 8 weeks, and since it was a high-risk maternal fetal specialist it was a long commute there and the wait was always crazy long (someone always has a crisis there bigger than yours).
All the while I supplemented formula and still tortured myself trying to nurse. At 8 weeks I finally cut myself some slack and gave up. Nothing about motherhood went the way i planned. Perhaps the greatest lesson for a type a like me. Luckily everyone around me was super supportive and my first son was a dream baby – no colic, slept great, good natured, easy going.
My second son was totally different. Wanted to try vbac but my body didn’t go into labor naturally so we scheduled a section after the due date came and went. I did not want an induction which would probably be another long labor that ended in surgery. So we ended up scheduling a section (which was much easier than the emergency section and i had no wound rupture YAY!) He was a colic nightmare baby that never slept but he was a great nurser. Yes it hurt horribly for the first 8-10 weeks. But he didn’t thrash and fight the way my first son did, my milk was in early the third day. We nursed for 17 months!!!! I had to force him to wean because he wouldn’t sleep through the night until I did. He never would take pumped bottles or pacifiers so it was all mom, all the time.
All this is to say that I loved the brutal beautiful honesty of your post! And yes I will never judge another mom for what she needs to do to keep her baby and herself healthy and happy. Nursing is wonderful and healthy for the baby but if it is affecting your mental well being too much then there is no shame in using formula. I have had both sides of the coin.
I hope you have an easier time nursing the second go around the way I did. I suspect you will because you know better what to expect going in, which I think is what made me so much better at it the second time. Good luck!
Good for you for putting your story out there for all to see. My little is 2 years old now and i struggled as well. My issue was extremely low milk supply. Before i had my little i was a formula judger, now i am happy to say thia experience has made me a better person. Now i look at the girl in line at the grocery store with formula in a new supportive light. Everyone is doing the best they can, and loving their littles as much as possible. I breastfed for 10 onths and wouldn’t trade a miute of it. Thanks Katie, all the best with your new one.
Holy moly girl, you’re a trooper. We had trouble breastfeeding as well, though nothing like you describe. I never felt my milk come in, only leaked on those few precious nights when baby girl slept longer than usual. But I spent months agonizing over my supply, worrying if she was getting enough to eat. After we came home from the hospital, girlfriend didn’t poop for 10 days! And then she hung out at “less than 5%” on the growth chart for about a year. But we made it through and she nursed till I cut her off at 17 months.
Thanks for sharing your story. Best of luck with round 2!
Posts like THIS are why I love your blog SO, SO much You are so honest. Other blogs claim its easy peasy, nd that everything is honky dory. Your honesty is so much appreciated. and be proud of yourself every single day that you stuck through, you gave your son a beautiful, sweet gift that obviously wasnt easy for you and that is so, so commendable. Although I also try not to judge, a part of me does wince everytime I hear a mom say she didnt breastfeed because it was “too hard” (if you cant breastfeed becaue you dont produce, or it just doesnt work for some reason, thats your perogative but to say you didnt even try because it was “too hard”… again, I wince)
THANK YOU for sharing this! NO ONE talks about how difficult breastfeeding is!! I now tell all my friends that are pregnant: don’t stress about labor and delivery, prepare yourself for breastfeeding!! I had a very similar experience with my son–the crying, bleeding, and absolutely dreading the next feeding. I am happy to say that he is currently 4.5 months old and we are finally to the point that I enjoy nursing him and the time we have together. I gave myself the original goal of 6 months but now I’m thinking of trying to continue nursing as long as possible 🙂
Thanks again for sharing your story for all of us!
Breastfeeding to this day (including my c-section) is the hardest thing I have ever accomplished. I totally relate to the pain, I even started bleeding (gross, sorry!) in the hospital but my pain only lasted 2-3 weeks! I commend you on your commitment. I ended up nursing my daughter for 15 months! While I was sad when it was over, it was kind of nice to have my boobs back 🙂 Thanks for sharing your honest story!
Wow. I had no idea. Really. I had two kids but didn’t breast feed either one. But I have only heard how wonderful breastfeeding is. I have never heard how hard it can be for some women. I’m so sorry you went through such a painful experience and am really impressed that you stuck it out anyway. I just know that things will be much better with this baby, if for no other reason than you know what to expect and have been through it. I’m so happy for you!
Thank you for being honest, I had this same experience with baby girl #1 but she was tongue tied. With baby girl #2 I thought would be so much easier, she was not tongue tied, but it was the same deal. Ouch! But I when it got easier, it got a lot easier faster (after the dreaded first 8 weeks!) I did my baby girl #1 for 6 months and I thought I was a champ. #2 for 8 months and then she literally would not nurse anymore. Good luck with #2!! At least you know it can be done!
Katie, You are scaring me..I am terrified of the whole process..the labor,recovery and the breastfeeding. I am a new to-be-mommie..expecting my first baby in November…and scared to even think about how I am going to face labor. 🙁
Wonderful post! I agree, no one tells you how excruciating painful breastfeeding can be and all of the guilt that goes on around it! I was prepared for delivery; I wasn’t prepared for breastfeeding. Thanks for being so honest. I’m sure your post has helped many women realize they are not alone in their breastfeeding struggles.
Thanks so being so honest! And now I’m even more happy that we’ve decided to hold off a few years before babies (as my husband said last night, “I want to keep being selfish and have you all to myself for a while”). This does sound similar to what my sister went through, especially with her oldest. I so remember sitting next to her as she cried and breastfed my niece. She made it to about 8 months with both of her kids, and I’m so proud of her for going that long considering how rough it was for her.
While I’m praying that it won’t be as bad for me when the time comes, I think it’s so great for women to know that they aren’t alone and definitely NOT a failure.
Wow I must say I am sooo sorry to hear of your struggle but congrats to you for enduring, I don’t think I ever could have done the same. Luckily for me (and to give some other woman out there hope) I did have a fairly easy time breastfeeding although the first month of cracked, bleeding nipples is something I never expected it wasn’t nearly as bad as what you had to go through. You are an amazing mom, and even if Will never fully appreciates it, you should always take pride in it.
Thank you for sharing this story! My friend has an 8 month old little girl and she was just sharing this same experience with me. She wasn’t able to continue breastfeeding after 6 weeks and the doctors prescribed her Zoloft because they said she had postpartum. I’m glad women like you and her are around to share the “real stories” for the rest of us – to prepare us for when we have children.
Wow, Katie. That was a really powerful post. I’m so happy that you shared your experiences, especially because sharing difficult things is sooo much harder than just talking about a fun, easygoing time. I do not have any children yet, but I am already mentally ‘gearing myself up’ for breastfeeding, because I, too, share the same beliefs as you. I only hope I can be as mentally (and physically) strong when the time comes!
What a bummer that you had to go through that torture. I really hope that your next baby will be much better. Your nipples might be toughened up enough to not hurt the next time around. I admit with my first it did hurt a bit the first couple of days and every now and then. But I’m in the middle of feeding my 2nd and it’s been much better the 2nd time. Could you have had a blocked duct? Or was the pain more focused on just the nipple area?
With my first, I never imagined it would be so painful. I would cry and cry and my husband would say, “it’s okay if you can’t do it, we can switch to formula.” This would only make me more determined. I definitely felt like no one knew what I was talking about. My mother who had also breastfed all four of her babies had never mentioned any pain. I chalk this up to the fact that the painful parts fade over time and once breastfeeding becomes more of an enjoyable experience. Fortunately for me this pain only lasted for about the first month.
When I had my second, the pain wasn’t even half as bad. It was still there but not nearly the same. So I hope that you can have a much better experience with Baby #2.
I wouldn’t change anything about my decision to breastfeed my babies except that I wish I could have done it longer. For both of them I returned to work when they were 3 months old. I continued breastfeeding and pumping for another month or so after that until it just became too difficult and my milk production dropped off significantly and they were getting extremely frustrated every time I would try to breastfeed.
I applaud you in your efforts to continue despite the trying circumstances. And I applaud any woman who breastfeeds as it is extremely difficult and so self-sacrificing (though most of us who do it will usually not focus on this part and take so much joy in the benefits they are providing to their baby and family).
Katie, thank you so much for sharing so openly about your experience. While I was reading it, I kept forgetting that I was reading your story … and not my own. I relate to everything about your experience … the colicky 23-hour a day crying, the excrutiating pain of breastfeeding, the depression. It was NOT what I read about in the baby books! And I struggled with feelings of anger and resentment. My loved ones saw what was happening to me and helped me make the difficult decision to stop breastfeeding when my daughter was seven weeks old. The guilt over that decision would last for years … but I still don’t regret it. Because I know that it quite possibly protected the well-being of myself and my daughter. I am thankful to share that neither of my daughters (now 11 and 8) have EVER been to the doctor for anything other than yearly well-check visits, and neither of them has ever had an ear infection, taken antibiotics, etc. They are beautiful, intelligent and healthy! (Now ER visits for stitches … that’s a different story. ☺) Again, thank you so much for sharing. I think it’s so important for new moms to know that they’re not alone if their experience doesn’t live up to the fantasy portrayed in the pregnancy/birth books.
God bless you, Katie!
I too took the breastfeeding class and read books, wanting to be ‘prepared’ (ha.) I was lucky to have a great latcher, but the little guy used me as a pacifier the 2nd night in the hospital -he wouldn’t stop crying and the only thing I knew to do was feed him! So I did, for 3 hours straight because I thought of how bad I would look if I called the nurse to take away my crying baby. Sigh. Needless to say, he tore. me. up. It hurt for awhile but luckily, eventually it became painless. My friend just had a baby and I made sure to warn her out how painful it can be because no one told me! Thank you for your story, so good to know I’m not just a crazy 🙂 Hopefully your next time will be easier!
Not gonna lie, this post made me want to cry. First, for all the bad reasons. I don’t have kids yet but we are thinking about trying this year—and this sounds like the stuff my nightmares are made of. Then, for all the good reasons. Knowing that you were able to stick with it and get through it even when it was nothing short of horrible gives me hope that I’ll be able to do the same when we eventually start a family.
As far as being judgmental towards women who decide breastfeeding isn’t for them, there are SOME situations I’ve encoutnered when I truly don’t understand how someone couldn’t even give it a try. My neighbor (a nurse, mind you) said she couldn’t breast feed her daughter because it felt like something too sexual. That baffled me! Different strokes for different folks, but I can’t think of anything more natural and non-sexual in the world than a mother feeding her baby. A friend of mine didn’t breast feed her son purely because of her own vanity. Even though she listed about a million benefits of breastfeeding, she told me stretch marks were bad enough, she didn’t want droopy breasts when she got older.
Maybe I won’t be able to successfully breastfeed when I have kids, maybe I’ll give up after a week or two—but for me at least giving it a try is the most admirable part.
This post made me cry. When I had my baby in July 2010, I was the same way as you. I thought people who quit just didn’t try hard enough. I judged them, my own sister even. I went to the classes, read the books, thought I was ready. But when I had my little boy, he had some respiratory distress and was whisked away to the nursery, where I didn’t even get to hold him until late evening the next day. I pumped. But I was also tired from a 27 1/2 hour labor. But I got to nurse him the next day, and miracle of miracles, it worked. He latched and it was perfect. The lactation consultant told me that she wished everyone could have it as easy as me.
Things didn’t fall apart until I was home the second week. I took him to his appointment, and he wasn’t gaining weight. I tried to nurse more often, I pumped after nursing. I took the supplements, ate oatmeal…I could pump all day and get less than 2 oz for the whole day. And I was supposed to be feeding him 4 oz every 3 hours. I never experienced let down, engorgement, swelling, nothing. The ped told me that I was starving him, that I should stop making him suffer because of my hangups about wanting to breastfeed. I have never cried that much in my life. Like all day, every day for 3 weeks.
Finally, I gave him some formula. He didn’t reject it, he took to the bottle. It was like he never even missed me. I have never felt more like a failure. This was something my body was designed to do…and it just wasn’t happening. I couldn’t make it happen. The lactation consultant, who was supposed to be on my side, told me that it was my fault because I slept after delivering when I should have been pumping. No matter that I had been up since the morning on the 16th straight through to Sunday morning on the 18th throughout labor. Obviously I didn’t care about what was best for my baby because I was so selfish to fall asleep.
But a beautiful thing happened. I started to enjoy my baby. I could go more than 5 seconds without thinking about my broken boobs. I bonded with my darling boy. But people still judged, and that hurt tremendously. This is still a topic that can bring me to tears faster than anything else. Thanks for sharing your story, and letting all these mothers know that they aren’t alone. I am so ashamed of my previous attitude, but I thank God for allowing me this trial to give me compassion for others going through the same thing. It was a lesson that I needed to learn.
Girl, you are so on the money with breastfeeding! I do have some VERY exciting news for you – baby #2 might be your rainbow, too! I have a Will, too. I nursed my Will for 2.5 wks (of H.E. double hockey sticks) and then pumped for 6.5 wks (my nips healed about 4 months later, no lie). I thought that it was all my fault that he wasn’t back to birth weight by 3wks, wouldn’t nurse an appropriate amount of time, it hurt, nursed for 1.5 hrs at a time every 2 hrs (MAYBE 30 mins of sleep…)… well, I then had my daughter. HOLY MOLY, if breastfeeding was that EASY (I said it, it was, and I still can’t believe it after my Will), I would be doing it until the child was 8 years old – maybe not, but that’s how wonderful it was (I then knew BOTH sides of the boob mountain). I could only do it 6 months because of nursing school and being unable to keep my supply up, but it was a glorious 6 months. I PRAY that your second time is wonderful, and enjoyable and all things EASY. The ol’ nips were sore for a few wks, but nothing a little milk or lanolin couldn’t help – and if you’ve been through what you’ve been through, that’ll be as easy as eating bacon!
I don’t have kids yet, but it is nice to read the good, the bad, & the ugly… but you made my boobs tender just reading that!
Thanks for sharing your story, Katie. There are so many ways to raise a healthy baby and it is comforting to know that you aren’t alone when it doesn’t always work out like they tell you it will in the books.
My daughter is six months old and my breastfeeding experience was ‘less than ideal.’ She was in the NICU at first and I wasn’t able to go in to visit her immediately. They had to do some bottle feeding during that time (pumped breastmilk) and, I don’t care how much they tell you the baby will transition back to the breast, it never happened for us. Three lactation consultants and many tears later, I decided to exclusively pump and bottle feed so that my daughter could get the health benefits of my milk. But life was literally…pump for 30 minutes, bottle feed for 30 minutes, sleep for 30 minutes, eat/laundry/whatever else for 30 minutes, repeat. Living on the couch hooked up to a pump. Just two weeks ago, my supply completely dried up and we had to transition to formula. It was such a hard experience knowing that my body was not cooperating. I am at peace with the situation, but I won’t say that a twinge of jealousy doesn’t pass through me when I see a mother happily nursing away like it’s the bees knees.
All this to say, thanks. I appreciate the honesty you share on your site and that, through your actions, you encourage us all to be more honest and faithful. Wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy and a breastfeed experience worth being jealous of!
Thanks for sharing this story. I really appreciate how honest you are. No one has ever shared a breastfeeding experience like that with me. I’m currently 15 weeks pregnant with my first and have no clue what to expect. I love hearing stories like this because then I’ll know I’m not alone if I have a similar experience. It’s funny that you posted this because I was just telling my husband last night that my breasts are already so sore that the last thing I can imagine is having a baby suck on them!
Nursing definitely was not a good experience for me the first 6 weeks either, I struggled with nipple issues, had to use a shield, then had to train my baby to nurse without the shield since long-term that was not a good solution, it was HARD! But I too am very stubborn and stuck it out with much support from the lactation consultants and kellymom.com we figured it out and I nursed my daughter until she was 14 months. My first, I couldn’t nurse becuase she had a jaw issue and could not latch, she has been a lot more sick than my youngest I did nurse, so I’m convinced it definitely factors in to a strong immune system!
Thank you for sharing your story. I am 37 weeks pregnant with my first and am most nervous about how breastfeeding will go. I am thinking positively, but keeping in mind it may not be fun at all. Hopefully I’m strong enough to keep going.
You know, the whole “bonding” while breastfeeding thing isn’t just about cooing and eye-contact. Breastfeeding stimulates oxytocin – the “love” hormone – in the mother’s brain and actually physically rewires it towards the baby’s needs. That’s bonding!
Also, yes about breastfeeding hurting. (People need to say this more to new mothers – not the “if you’re doing everything right, it shouldn’t hurt – talk about guilt-inducing! Marc has a really shallow latch and man, it hurt like crazy! There were times I had to stop myself from pushing him off of me, it hurt so bad! But about 6-8 weeks in, things just got a lot better. He’s 3 months now, and in daycare, and I’m pumping like crazy and going in on my lunch break to nurse him. I’m going to try my best to make it 6 months exclusively breastfeeding and at least a year before he weans.
Thank you for sharing your story! It is a relief and comforting to know that others out there shared an experience similar to mine. I was 100% oblivious to the pain that was about to come when I first started breastfeeding my daughter. That day 3 is brutal! There were so many days that I considered giving up even though my daughter was such a good eater because of the pain and isolation. I can’t tell you how comforting to it is to hear you describe how you dreaded the next feeding because that is exactly how I felt and it made me feel so guilty and like such a wimp. How did I just push an 8lb 6oz baby out of my vagina but I can’t handle a little latching?!
When I was out at the store or at a restaurant, I would look at those moms bottle feeding their baby formula and I would get so envious and think, “Gosh! That would be SO much easier!” Unfortunately, I was only able to stick it out until my daughter was 5 months old but that is only because I had to go back to work full time and it became impossible to be productive at work when I had to go pump every 3 hours. Looking back now, I cherish those months no matter how hard they were. Best of luck to you with your next little one!
It makes me so sad that you had such a hard journey. I bet that was hard on you and Jeremy too.
I am being selfish when I say this and I apologize in advance, but I am so grateful that the only real problem I had with breastfeeding 3 kids for 11 months, 7 months, and 8 months, was sometimes cracked nips. And with my last baby when I was stopping I got stupid Mastitis in my left boob and O.M.G. that hurt like crazy. My oldest had colic and I was still in school and I seriously hated life for about 3.5 months and often thought of tossing her across the room also. Breastfeeding isn’t easy. You are at the mercy of your child for so long!
It is sad once you realize you are no longer needed to nurse. My middle son decided he was done around 7 months.
I hope you didn’t take anything wrong in this message. It is not easy. And I think you are very strong for sticking it out!!
Amen for you! I just had a baby he will be 2 months old on Monday. I am breastfeeding too and I have been very lucky after the 2 week mark but during those first two weeks I was so sleep deprived I thought I was going to die! And the pain of the latch… My hubby had to hold my legs down each time! Im so amazed that you stuck it out, nobody understands the struggle unless you’ve been there. Thanks for writing this post, I just think you are awesome anyway… You should find a way to pin your posts maybe there is and I just don’t know… But I’m gonna recommend my friends read this cause this is reality in most cases. God bless you! And here’s hoping bower baby #2 likes the boob a little more 🙂
I admire you, Katie. Not just because of this post (which is enough to admire you), but for all the other things you’ve shared about your journey to getting pregnant again. After two years of trying for our first munchkin, it gives me hope! And makes me look forward to even the scary stuff.
About the breastfeeding, I have yet to have one of my friends stick with it. All of my mommy friends quit trying after about a week. I hope, if I have the chance, I’m as strong as you.
Ok, now i’m officially scared to death!!! I’m having my little boy in August and my plans are to breastfeed for 2 months and then pump before going to work…good to know that the road ahead might be a tricky one, but I’ve always thought, it’s free, it’s healthier, so why not?
Wow, thanks so much for sharing that story Katie. I am pregnant with my first baby, and definitely have always planned on breastfeeding. I’m really, really hoping I don’t have an experience like yours – that just sounds AWFUL! But I always hoped and kind of thought I’d be the “type” to not get morning sickness, and that hasn’t worked – 17 weeks along tomorrow, and the morning (all day) sickness is still going strong. So just hoping to be one of the lucky ones hasn’t worked out so well for me yet. If I do go through something like what you said (and everyone in the comments I’ve read as well) then at least I’ll know I’m not crazy or alone or doing something wrong. So thanks for that. Hope your pregnancy is coming along smoothly and that you’re feeling great!
The things we do for our kids. You are a good mom, Katie!
Oh, I could have written so much of this post too! NO ONE really tells you just how HARD breastfeeding is! It seems like everything you read tells you that it “shouldn’t hurt” if you do it right. It really made me doubt myself and my daughter for the first few weeks and I completely relate to curling your toes, sucking in your breathe, and praying you don’t fling your baby across the room for that initial latch. 🙂
For any soon-to-be mommas, I will tell you it really does get much better! It just takes time for you to figure out and you and your baby to get your routine down pat. For me, I think it was around the 8-week mark (at least, if not longer) that it didn’t hurt anymore and then I was glad I stuck with it. The best advice I’ve found is if you’re going to quit, quit on a good day, not a bad one.
Thank you so much for this post! I too had the worst pain I could ever imagine, coupled with a non-existent milk supply, major latching issues, and constant crying. I was trying to feed, pumping, drinking teas, drinking beer (lactation consultant recommended – something about the hops??) but nothing seemed to work. We even discussed a prescription med for increasing my milk supply. Everything seemed so unnatural and so stressful 🙁
After talking with a close friend with two little girls (who had similar issues with her first), she made me realize that though some may judge, there was something to be said about sanity. When I did throw in the towel I felt such an instant wave of relief (there was second guessing and guilt as well, of course), that I actually felt like I could better bond with my son instead of almost fearing the little guy!! I admire (and envy) your conviction and pray that my second experience will be better.
Thank you for posting this. It is so honest of you to share your story. I myself am 10 weeks along in my first pregnancy. I am planning on breast feeding and will give it my all. I will keep this blog post in my head (and bookmarked) for future reference and encouragement. Good for you and these other ladies to push through your own pain for your babies. I hope the next baby is easier for you and your body.
When you were dreaming of yourself in a casket, did it look anything like this??? 😉
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/46894223/ns/local_news-seattle_wa/t/bacon-coffin-lets-bacon-lovers-die-go-heaven/#.T32o4atSTA0
Katie, I am weeping over this. Because breastfeeding isn’t easy. And I’m proud of you for not giving up. I did. I had an infection after birth that required an iv medicine that wasn’t safe for our sweet boy (http://aacook.blogspot.com/2011/09/four-months-ago.html)…so he had to be formula fed from the time he was 2 days old until two weeks later, and I was so broken after that, I couldn’t get through the pain. I wept for hours and hours for weeks and weeks over it….but, like you, everything that happened surrounding our boy’s birth has made me a better friend….because nothing went the way I had hoped regarding birth and breastfeeding. Although, I do admit, I might be jealous of those who do have things work out the way they want. But I do hope you have an easier journey the second time around!
What a great post! Breastfeeding is one of those dirty little secrets that nobody talks about. There is a reason that so many people give up before their baby is even a month old – it’s stinkin’ hard! I can relate so much to your story. Crying and crying and crying as my daughter latched just waiting for the first 10 seconds to be over. And my poor husband who would just sit there and try and make things better but he just couldn’t help (although I did want to put alligator clamps on his nipples a few times so that we could sit there in pain together at least!).
After I had a baby I promised myself that I would tell my friends who were pregnant the truth. Tell them what it’s really like. It is not rainbows and gum drops, it is really, really hard and frustrating but that at some point it will click and it will all come together. Why should we make it seem like it’s easy just so that other mothers can feel like failures when it doesn’t work for them? By writing this post you did that, so thank you for having the courage to put it out there so that others can read.
“But a beautiful thing happened. I started to enjoy my baby. I could go more than 5 seconds without thinking about my broken boobs. I bonded with my darling boy.”
I could not agree more with you!!!! I had the same experience, and though some may judge, I know that the day I gave up the battle to breast feed, I truly enjoyed my child.
Thank you for sharing your experience in so much detail! Can’t imagine how hard it was to write about, much less to go through. I’m very worried about how I’ll handle things when I have babies, so I am super grateful to you and other bloggers who are willing to share so much, so honestly. Of course my opinion doesn’t fully count until I go through it, but I would encourage new families to make decisions like this based on what’s best for all of them, not just baby — which could mean stopping breastfeeding to save mom’s health and sanity. I hope you have a *much* easier time with your next little one so you won’t have to make that difficult choice again!
Wow, hon. I’m so sorry you had such a rough start. Some babies are really aggressive and it sounds like he really wanted the milk…out…now so he could get off and do his thing. I wonder if he sensed how much it hurt you too so he didn’t want to linger. I have a feeling this baby will be different and you’ll have a new and better experience. I had a friend who had a similar issue with her first (a girl) who had a strong gag reflex so she never would take the nipple all the way back so it killed her for months. Her second kiddo was a breeze. It hurt for less than a week and she had a much better time. That comment in the books about it not hurting if you are doing it right is really a load and most of the time does a disservice to new moms. I wish it would say it hurt so you know what to expect and won’t feel like you are doing something wrong.
I did want to share the products that helped me. I used these: http://www.amazon.com/Ameda-17261M-ComfortGel-Hydrogel-Pads/dp/B003IP2L38/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1333635335&sr=8-3 They are gel. I would keep one in the fridge. So when it was time to nurse, I would nurse and then put the new cold gel pad on and then take the gel pad off the non-nursed side and rub Lansinoh on it (b/c it didn’t see action that round and could handle me touching it again). Those gel pads were heaven and my midwife actually got me some medical grade ones meant for burns last time around. I can’t imagine trying to nurse without my little soothie method. (You can’t leave the gel on round the clock b/c the nips have to breathe)
I am the mom who looks at other who do not breastfeed and judge a bit. :hides: I breastfed my daughter until she was 17 months as well as nursed through a 13wk pregnancy(miscarriage) and almost 30 wks of my current pregnancy. It was an amazing experience and I enjoyed every minute of it.
Maybe because my nursing experience was THE EXACT OPPOSITE of yours. I did not ever have one minute of pain or discomfort while nursing. I do not know how I was so lucky but I do know that this post of yours has helped me to be more grateful of the opportunity I had. I am so sorry that you had to go through all of that pain and agony.
I thank you so much for sharing your experience and opening my eyes to be a more understanding person. I promise to not judge another non nursing mom again! :pinky swear:
Katie…thanks for sharing! I felt like I was just reading my own experiences. I had a very rough, painful first six weeks as well. I was in labor with my daughter for almost 40 hours (totally natural) with pitocin by the way and breastfeeding was MORE painful! My mom also breastfed 4 children but somehow had this glamourous memory of breastfeeding being wonderful with no pain. She was of no help to me in that arena. Luckily I have some great girlfriends who had gone through what I was going through so I had people to lean on. I had mastitis twice before my daughter was even three weeks old because I was so torn up. We also dealt with the colic that magically disappeared around 3 months. My daughter is 9 months old now and we are still going strong. The thought of stopping breaks my heart but luckily she is a great nurser now and still loves it. When I pick her up she feverishly pulls at my shirt and sucks on my neck, chest, arms…whatever skin she can get! So anyway I am giving you a virtual high five that you made to a year because I KNOW it ain’t easy 🙂
I’m so sorry your breastfeeding journey was so rough. I completely understand the pain you experienced. I had off and on pain for almost four months. I was treated for thrush twice and once for mastitis. Finally after several visits and calls to a breastfeeding lactation we figured out the problem–oversupply and over active let down. What you went through with Will fits this problem.
http://kellymom.com/bf/got-milk/supply-worries/fast-letdown/
I was able to fix the problem by block feeding and nursing lying down. I think there is a chance that if you had it once, you might have it again. It is fixable! I have a wonderful breastfeeding relationship now and will be sad when it ends.
If you can, join a breastfeeding support group (I’m part of a local one on facebook). It is great for encouragement. One thing I’ve learned from the group (there are local lc’s in the group) is that pain is never normal and is an indication of a problem. Discomfort is different than pain. My pain was due to my daughter clamping down to control the flow of milk, once I changed positions and block fed to reduce the flow, the pain went away.
If like reading books, The Motherly Art of Breastfeeding is a great one and kellymom is a fantastic website.
I’m so happy for you that you were able to continue breastfeeding. I was also surprised at how “challenging” it was to nurse my son, especially for something that was supposed to be natural. Similarly, I had a surprise C-section with him (little bugger got stuck…another story entirely…), but was able to nurse him shortly after. He was mildly jaundiced and our problems started then. Being jaundiced made him lethargic, which made it difficult to nurse since he was so sleepy…but nursing helps clear out (sorry, not a doctor so I don’t know the proper medical terms) the jaundice. It’s viscious cycle. He dropped almost 10% of his body weight before we went home and it took him another three weeks of nursing on a strict 3-hour schedule (start-to-start) to get back up to his birth weight…and it took a full hour to nurse because that’s what was recommended by the lactation consultant (who I now love love love and will be inviting to my son’s 3rd (yikes!) birthday party because she is that awesome a woman).
Long story short (too late…), it all worked out well for us in the long run, but not before many stressful moments worrying about whether or not he was getting enough, trying to keep him awake (seriously, we were setting alarms to wake ourselves up to wake him up…insanity), and then keeping up with him demand for milk once I went back to work and started pumping. I’m so glad I was able to nurse him. He’s been very healthy and I’d like to think I had a little something to do with that.
p.s. It went much better with baby #2. She was an awesome nurser from the start, my milk came in quickly, and I was much more at ease with the whole process…and got to visit my favorite lactation consultant again, just for fun!
This is the perfect description of how I felt with my first son! I had so much mommy guilt, feeling like I was useless because nursing was such a failure. I only lasted 6 weeks but it made me a different person once I stopped and we could be at peace and enjoy feeding time again.
With my second son it was a completely different story. I can honestly say that nursing him was enjoyable and calm and bonding and all of the other cheesy adjectives they use in those books. It could be because I was more relaxed the second time and knew he would thrive even if nursing didn’t work out. I pray that your second child will be a much easier transition into breastfeeding and you won’t have the pain. The horrible, toe-curling pain… I think I can still feel it and it’s been 3 years 🙂
THanks for sharing!! I had a very similar experience (my guy is 19months old now and I have #2 on the way– due in Sept). It started fine in the hospital but awful when we got home and he was not gaining weight so I had to feed him often and pump after EVERY feeding and also was in so much pain at every feeding, I was raw and bleeding. I dreaded each one. When he learned how to nurse fully and I was able to pump less I slowly turned into loving it– not overnight but over time. As you said, I loved watching all the tiny changes in my child at each feeding, I loved to smell him and pick at his skin/nose to groom him. : ) And at around 13-14 months when I still had not started a period I sadly ended our breastfeeding adventures. You said it all so well– “the end of an incredibly hard sacrificial yet strangely comforting journey”! I pray this pregnancy goes well for you!
Lol Katie! Your story is my story. I can still feel the pain. Oh the pain! Even though it was almost 9 years ago that I had my first baby, I still have invisible scars on my ta-ta’s. Or maybe it’s just a traumatic experience that my brain will never forget. Another painful aspect of nursing is the milk coming in! Seriously. The ‘let down’ helps shrink the uterus, by oh my!!
But I do have to say I am very thankful that I never had to experience yeast infections or cuts on the nipple. My sister from another mister, had both and how she survived is beyond me!
I am currently nursing baby #4 and just so you know, it gets easier with each baby. I feel like an old pro now. I too vowed to nurse for 12 months and the end is almost here. another week and a half and my baby will be 1. I get sad to think that I will never nurse again (no more babies for us). But life goes on and brings with it new experiences and joys.
All the best Katie with your new baby that is being knit together in your womb.
Whoa girl! You are a strong beast of a mother. I am so proud that you stuck to it. I hope breastfeeding someday won’t hurt that much, but if it does, I will stick to it!!
Thanks for sharing, Katie. It’s really a shame women don’t get more support in breastfeeding. You’re a trooper and certainly had it much harder than most. Here’s hoping breastfeeding comes more easily this time around. I’ve had two very different experiences breastfeeding my boys.
Thank you for writing that! I think the large majority of moms-to-be think breastfeeding is a piece of cake (myself included…until I tried it). All that talk about cracked, peeling nipples from doing it wrong? Yeah, I had that, but we were apparently doing it all correctly. I saw blood in my son’s crib one day and freaked out…it turns out, he had spit up blood from my bleeding nipples. Ouch. It did get easier and now he’s 13 months old. He’s a boob man, so I’m trying to figure out how to start weaning, since I have to go back to work in a few months. I’m dreading it though. He loves it, I love it, and I’m scared of the potential post-weaning depression that Jo from A Cup of Jo talked about. I hope your new little one goes a little easier on his/her mommy!
It sounds like we had similar experiences. I cannot recall ever having such excrutiating pain as I did when I started. I think the painful experience lasted maybe a month or so. I remember each time he would latch on, I would actually let out a yelp. I had tears in my eyes. I went thru so much of that lanolin stuff in the purple tube…But thankfully I kept going and it ended up being the most wonderful experience. My first son didn’t even have a sniffle for the first 11 months. I ended up nursing him for 18 months. During the last 6 months it was only at night though. I nursed my second son for 2 years! My husband was quite horrified at that but I knew we were not planning on having any more children so I stretched it out as long as I could. Plus – my son loved it so it was a win-win for both of us! I remember he had a stomach virus at one point and the only thing he wanted to do was nurse. I swear it is what kept him from getting dehydrated. A friend had to hospitalize her daughter for dehydration when she got a stomach virus but thankfully I was still nursing then. Anyway, it was wonderful of you to share your story! Oh, and regarding your comment about not sanitizing everything…I am totally with you on that! Anything with the words “antibactirial has never been allowed in my house. Those things kill the bad bacteria as well as the good bacteria. I think kids need a little dirt to strengthen their immune systems. Anyway – that’s my 2 cents. Have a wonderful Easter.
-Shelley
I am so grateful when people share these stories. I had a very similar experience with my first baby- and we didn’t make it. I never could get her to nurse calmly (reflux, we later determined), so I ended up pumping for 3 months. I spent so many hours of misery beating myself up, thinking it was my fault. It took me well over a year to recover mentally.
So I hope it provides your some hope that I had a good BF’ing experience with my second baby! I hired a private lactation consultant to come to my house as many times as necessary to get it right. It was best money I ever spent. But over all, that baby just liked nursing (and me) better. We made it 6 months.
And they are both healthy as a horse. You did right, you would have also done right if you quit, and you’ll do right with the new baby no matter what happens.
I am SO impressed you stuck with breastfeeding for a year with your experience! Definitely a sacrifice out of love. I totally was expecting to read that you stopped at a week postpartum or something. Nursing my first baby was very painful for weeks, too. But every time I thought about breaking open one of those cans of formula the hospital sent home with me, it broke my heart and I cried even more. I couldn’t do it because it meant so much for me for her (us!) to have this experience and nutrition. Thankfully it did get better by a month or 2. She stopped nursing at 10 months old and it was a sad day, she was ready but I wasn’t.
Nursing my second baby came SO much easier though! He’s always been a boobman and praise God it has come naturally to him. I also wonder if his natural birth experience and being able to nursing right away at the birthing center (compared to THREE hours later with my daughter at the hospital and had an epidural) encouraged more success. He’s almost 17 months and he’s so attached, our roles are reversed to where I wish he was done but he’s SO not ready! He still nurses a whopping 4-6 times a day at almost a year and half old, when most kids are done to 1 or 2 at this point. He never would take a pacifier, so I’m sure that extra comfort is a big factor.
I pray that nursing your second baby (YAY!) will come easier to both you and your new little one.
Wow I’m am so in awe of your perseverance! That is really admirable that you stuck it out through such a challenging period – way to go! Hopefully this next baby will be easier.
Only in the effort of mitigating the fear-factor moms-to-be might get from this post, I just want to say that it doesn’t feel this intense for everyone. I don’t recall any pain like that at first. Wasn’t until I developed a milk blister (around 7 months) that I felt pain during breast feeding. I didn’t really do anything to treat it, just gritted my teeth for a couple weeks until it went away.
One piece of breast feeding advice I really like is “don’t give up on a bad day.” Just try to stick it out a little longer, just focus on getting through that one feeding. It sounds like that’s what you did. Again, hats off to you and all the mamas who work through breast feeding challenges!
Oh my! I remember all of this from the beginning month or so too! That “brace yourself for the latch and try not to throw this baby across the room” feeling especially. But I have tried to forget… Because it does eventually get sooo much better. How come no one warns you about this?? Hopefully you prepared some mamas to be out there.
Wow, that sounds awful. But just for the record, and so as not to absolutely discourage any young mommy from trying the breastfeeding gig, I will say that I nursed my three babies, for about one year each, with minimal discomfort. So it isn’t necessarily agonizing for everyone. One pointer – make sure your little one latches on fully, with lips up to the edge of your areola, nipple ‘way back in the mouth. I could always tell instantly when greedy hungry little piggy would get in a hurry and start sucking too soon! All the best to you, Katie, as you anticipate another little one.
Katie, thank you so much for being so open and honest about it! I had a really rough start with my baby but like you I was determined to breast feed no matter what for the immune and other benefits to my baby. Day 2 of breastfeeding in the hospital and my left nipple looked like it was about to bleed. The night before my hubby and I prayed about being able to breastfeed and it was answered, the next day we got a really caring lactation consultant and she gave me the nipple shield and my baby girl is almost 7 months and we still use it even though they say not to cuz you could lose your milk supply. And I know another girl who used it to nurse for a whole year. So if it’s gonna be really rough again this time around, the nipple shield might help you too. It took ALL the pain away, it hurt a bit while my nipples were healing but once they healed it was great. I pumped twice a day for about 2-3 weeks to give added stimulation and it was plenty (they tell u to pump after every feeding for 15-20 min it’s unnecessary). I’m writing this because as great as the shield was I was scared if not get all my milk in and they tell you not to use it more than 2 weeks you gotta wean the baby off it but really you don’t and it’s hard to find that info on forums or google. And I plan to use it with baby #2 if I need to for as long as they nurse and guess what?! My baby has not been sick AT ALL yet!!!! It’s exciting. Good luck with baby Bower #2!!! Wishing you all the best!!! You deserve it
Good for you Katie for keeping on keeping on. I, too, was surprised how much it did hurt in the beginning. There is so much about nursing that people think should just happen naturally – and it just doesn’t. My saving grace throughout my nursing experience has been my husband’s and mother’s support as well as finding a local Le Leche League to get involved with. SO many women with so many different experiences helped me through some really tough times. No one tells you about the pain, no one tells you about cluster feeding, no one tells you about biting, I could keep on listing. Breastfeeding is hard work, and it takes some commitment to stick with it. My LO is 18 months and still nurses at night and when he is teething. It’s like instant happiness for him. He goes from fussy, unhappy, in pain baby to smiles with just a short nursing session. 🙂
All I can say is this… each child is different, this next one may be night and day compared with your experience with Will. Enlist support prior to birth and if you can find a local Le Leche League it may be just the help you need!
I never leave comments, it’s just not my thing. After reading this post I really want to say thank you for sharing your story! Our sons are the same age and you described my experience almost exactly. I was bawling in the hospital asking the nurses for help but many of them told me it shouldn’t hurt that bad. The breastfeeding class emphasized if you’re doing it right, it won’t hurt. I felt like a complete failure. When a few people said it can hurt they said, “don’t worry, after 2 weeks you should be fine”. It took at least 2 months. I did end up breastfeeding him for 22 months (he was a boob addict). I will NEVER judge someone for not wanting to go through that experience. My doctor told me that he needed a happy mom more than being breastfed. I don’t know exactly when my guy got a happy mom but it did work itself out eventually.
Not only are our sons the same age, but we’re also due with our second on the same date! Thank you for this post. I felt really alone when I was going through that and reading posts like this helps so much!
Katie, thank you do much for sharing this. I feel like I could have written this. As I type I have a voracious (but adorable) 3 week old leech attached to my boob and it hurts! Compared to this pain, labor was a walk in the park, and I had no drugs and ended up with 3rd degree tearing. It’s definitely gotten easier, but at 3am when running on no sleep and feeding for the fourth time in 5 hours, there are still tears and I find myself repeating your mantra about not throwing baby across the room. I am so heartened to know someone else has experienced this and that it got better. I wish people talked about this more so I wouldn’t have been so blind sided. Congrats on your pregnancy, I hope BFing is easier for you and your bobs the second time around!
Thank you for sharing your story! I’m 38 weeks pregnant today and have been researching breastfeeding during my last weeks of pregnancy. I’m nervous and excited to give it a try. Thank you again for being so honest. I love reading your posts daily.
Well said, Katie! Breastfeeding is in no way easy! But I agree with a previous comment, your next one might be your rainbow baby…
I think it can definitely depend on your baby. My boy was soooo much more work to nurse, and I constantly felt like I was wrestling him during what should have been a bonding experience. My girl was never like that. Although she was my first, so there was more of a learning curve for both us at first (which was easier the second time around), by three months it was easier. I swear it is baby personality that can make or break it!
Good for you for pushing through the hard times. That is no small feat!
I tell my preggo mommy friends, just because breastfeeding is natural, doesn’t mean it’s easy! SO many memories of nursing my first – that early wonderment, then the clobber over the head, the pain…oh the pain! Little Miss was a horrible latcher, but 5 visits to the lactation clinic at the local hospital and 6 weeks later, we got into our rhythm. I was determined to make it to a year, made easier by the fact that in Ontario, we get a year’s maternity leave. But after all my efforts, she weaned herself at 11 months. DH and I went on a trip for a week before I returned to work and in typical mom brain fashion, I forgot the breast pump to maintain my supply and spent all week hand expressing in the shower (very romantic haha). Came back and Little Miss gave me the stink eye and refused to nurse. And that was it. Total mommy guilt over that one, which I guess I’m still not over based on the tears reading your story.
Little Miss #2 came along last year and was a perfect latcher. Such a night and day difference! She was born knowing what to do and I knew so much more myself…we were off to the races! That came to a screeching halt after 6 months. Kid was SO FREAKING HUNRGY all the time that she started solids at 4 months and didn’t look back. After two months of trying to force her to nurse, I finally realised she had moved on and so must I.
Hoping your #2 is like my #2 (except the early weaning bit). And if not, at least this time around you’re better prepared for what’s ahead.
Katie, this is just beautiful.
Kuddos for sticking with it!
My experience was not nearly as terrifying as yours, but there was quite a bit of pain and it was just such a mentally draining experience. I made a vocal goal of making it at least 6 months with Xander and a mental goal of a year. I made it 6 months and to tell you the truth the day after my milk FINALLY dried up was amazing. I felt so free and unburdened! I was secretly disappointed that I did not make it longer, but after going back to work, I struggled to keep up my supply, it was just so bad!
I think the breastfeeding is what I am fearing the most about this next baby!
Thanks for sharing your story. Mine was very similar except the pain and bleeding started from the very first nursing. I dreaded nursing and would brace myself when my husband brought my son over. We joked that he was like a wild animal attacking it’s prey when he came in to latch. He would come at me crying with his mouth wide open and he would shake his head back and forth as he tried to latch. When he latched I would start gliding as hard and as fast as our chair would let me all the while swearing up a storm. It was bad. It took 6 weeks and 4 different lactation consultants to find out the my son was tongue tied. By that point I had been supplementing for a couple weeks because my supply was very low and my boy liked the instant gratification of the bottle. I tried to nurse for a few more weeks and to pump but to no avail. My supply wouldn’t come back up and he wouldn’t nurse.
Hopefully we will have another child and I will get to try again. I learned a lot that first time around. Definitely seek out lots of help as early as possible but also make sure to take care of yourself. It felt like I was a failure when I had to give my son formula but it ended up fine in the end. We were both happier when we switched to just bottles.
Geez, I wish I could give you all a big fat hug! I had never heard anyone say that it could be this painful, unless you have mastitis or some other medical problem. I feel for all you sisters, and anyone who judges someone who has to quit for whatever reason, shame on you. It’s still a choice, and it is NOT for everyone. I was lucky, I had huge boobs to begin with, and had a fairly easy time with my daughter. But the lack of sleep, and the feeling that your body is not your own (especially after just being pregnant and having given birth), are soooo hard to deal with. For a while, I remember thinking every day “I want to quit. It’s too hard.” And that made me sad, which made things worse. It is hard to breastfeed, no matter what they tell you, it is a very big commitment and sacrifice. I ended up enjoying it, and lasted till she was 1 year (full time) and 16 months (dwindling down to 2 feedings, then 1 per day that was mainly for me ;/). Please ladies, don’t be so hard on yourself if you can’t or don’t want to do it! This includes you, Katie, with baby #2.
Thank you for being so honest with this post! My son just turned 6 months old and we are right in the middle of a very similar experience. I can say without a doubt that breastfeeding has been one of the hardest things I have ever done both physically and emotionally. One of my friends told me recently that just like they say every pregnancy is different, every baby can breastfeed differently. Like you, I am extremely hopeful that breastfeeding my next baby will be a better experience for both of us!
Katie-I felt your pain! I had a horrible time breastfeeding my first son & I’m a labor and delivery nurse! I kept feeling like my body was betraying me by not producing enough milk to feed my son. I would nurse, pump, supplement, go to outpatient lactation appointments, etc. I was giving breastfeeding 110% and it was exhausting. We made it to 6 months of breastfeeding & I was happy we had made it that far. Stopping at that point was still hard, I felt SO guilty. (Like you, I had been THAT person who thinks she knows about breastfeeding, motherhood/parenting, etc., and was in-my-head-judgmental about other moms who “weren’t doing it right”. Boy, did I learn MY lesson!!)
Anyway, thank you for having the courage to share this. It will save some other mom out there who is going through a similar situation. And WAY TO GO!!!! You rocked the new mom determination & Will reaped the benefits. You are awesome in my book. 🙂
-Marigny
Hi Katie,
THANKS for the honest post…I’m so sorry it was so bad for you!! I had horrible pain for about a month with my first, nursing, and it became less with the other two- probably only a few weeks with my third, still nursing at 9 months. So (in my experience, and most others I know) it really does get easier with subsequent nursing babies. Plus, you’ve got confidence you didn’t have before…I feel sorry for first babies, I learned right along with my girl about life- it was HARD. And she wasn’t even colicky! You are tough. Amazing how God puts that baby hunger in us so strongly even when having/raising a baby is what it is!
God bless you guys- praying for a happy, healthy pregnancy and a happy, healthy baby 🙂
Love, Melanie
PS what got me through (my sister wasn’t any help because when she found the correct latch it didn’t hurt- textbook case!) was my midwife telling me “sometimes it JUST HURTS. It gets better, and then it’s the best thing ever.” Those darn lactation consultants. Grrr.
Just want to add to the discussion – any breast milk is a benefit to the baby (in most situations) so kudos to all the moms who attempt breast feeding! Be it 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 months or 2 years – some is better than none. So yay for all the moms that give it a go!
That was amazing. Breastfeeding is hard and after having done it, I swore I wouldn’t judge another woman about her decision. I won’t judge about any parenting decision! At almost five months in, our breastfeeding journey is great and super easy but we had rough patches at first. Nothing like yours but rough nonetheless. I always admire women who continue to nurse with so many obstacles in the way. I’m not sure how successful I would have been if I HAD to nurse, pump, and bottle feed. Oh, and my little guy won’t take a bottle.
Good news. Every baby is different so maybe the next will be smooth sailing!
Wow, what a beautiful, heartfelt post! I have always told people that nursing is both the hardest and most rewarding thing I have ever done.
My son always LOVED the boob, in the beginning we also struggled through 6 or 8 weeks of pain and meeting with one lactation consultant after another. I finally discovered I had eczema on my nipples, and was prescribed a treatment that helped. There is so much trial and error in breastfeeding, and in the moment it feels impossible – but like you said, it DOES get better, and once I got past the really hard part, I found nursing to be such a relaxing, enjoyable time with my little guy and was so happy I’d suffered through the early days 🙂
We’ve definitely continued to go through ups and downs, but my son is now 16 months and still nursing once or twice a day. Never thought I’d continue this long, but it’s pretty easy at this point, so I’m just rolling with it! Thanks so much for sharing your story, Katie – I think it’s so important for mamas to do that!!
Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing this story. I too had excruciating pain with breast feeding, I dreaded and cried at every feeding. None of my friends had this kind of pain, it was easy for all of them and they only had a little discomfort. I felt like a failure. The only person who remotely understood what I was going through was my mother-in-law and she said to me “it gets better after about 3 months” – so not the right thing to say to someone who is only a week into it and in that much pain! I cared very much about my sons immunity, but I also wanted to be able to bond with him and love him, not dread having to feed him, and really hate it. So I quit after 2 weeks and bottle fed him, and it was the best decision I ever made. You can completely bond with a baby while breast feeding. You still hold them the same, can still stroke their heads and croon to them and love them. It was my favorite time with them – sitting back, slowing down and just enjoying the time with them. I did the same with my second son – though this time only one week. My boys are 12 and 15 now, they are incredibly healthy boys, they are athletic, rarely sick and never had ear infections. Women who bottle feed really do get ostracized, and it’s not fair. Most times there is a reason behind the decision. Thank you again for sharing your story, I truly believe that some women are just more sensitive than others, that it’s not like this for everyone. Good luck to you in this next pregnancy, Katie!
I meant to say you can completely bond with a baby while BOTTLE feeding. Oops!
Thanks for sharing. My birth/labor/nursing story is similar to yours. Planned for natural birth center birth, ended up with a transfer to hospital and a C-section. Right away they whisked Timmy away to the NICU for 2 days of antibiotics because they thought he had an “infection” from the long labor– he didn’t. I didn’t get to hold him until 8 hours after he was born. Also after the surgery I had to get into a wheelchair and go down to the NICU to feed him every 2 hours, which in my drugged up, post-op state was a painful nightmare. The NICU nurses were NOT supportive of me coming down and nursing him, in fact he was fed formula before i ever even got there, even though I specifically asked for him not to have any supplements. They looked at me like I was crazy everytime I came down to nurse. I probably looked like a hot mess–all swollen and drugged up, with the stupid hospital night gown that shows half your butt. You know the funny thing is I’m a nurse, and I was totally unprepared for how hard labor and nursing would be..maybe because the c-section really complicated things. Once we got home, things got harder, with sore nipples, and lack of sleep, and cranky baby, and unsupportive relatives (who had a million VERY unhelpfull comments about nursing. like putting baby on a schedule lol.,) I would grit my teeth and clutch at whatever my hands could grab during those first two months. But thank GOD after he was 3 months old, it was much, much better and easier. Now hes almost 7 months old, and we really do have a beautiful nursing relationship. I always said I’d nurse till he’s a year old, but now I think I’ll nurse him for as long as he is willing! (my mother almost fainted when i told her, haha) Anyways, congratulations on the new baby, hope VBAC and nursing go great..i know your hubby and family will be there to support you!
Katie in Delaware
I hear your.every.word. Maybe it is the name William and being the first born – un-abused nipples hurt more. My little Will was killing me. I look back now and realize that I either had post-partum and didn’t know it, or the nursing/lack of sleep really messes with you. Or both. But after giving birth naturally 3 times, I KNOW nursing the first is more painful. But the pain did eventually fade, and after 3 nursed kids we have had a total of 1 ear infection and 2 flu trips to the doc. Believe me, the second and third are infinitely better. Part of it is that fact that the nipple tissue has been stretched already, but I think a big part is the learning curve of mommyhood. You will know better what you are doing the second time. Another thing that saved me – Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Dr. Weissbluth. Next to the scriptures, this is the most impactful book in the world!!! I am not exaggerating when I say it saved my life (and definitely the life of my Will!) And what is it with the flailing abuse of Mommy?! Will would take his tiny sweet fingers and pinch-and-twist the back of my upper arms. It was agony! But I’m getting even – he has to take his baby brother’s poopy trash out every day! And sweep the floor. Yup, I’m an abusive mommy. Just ask him!
I had to stifle my giggles as I read this in bed on my phone while my husband was sleeping. You are so funny….and managed to make a very serious topic hilarious at some points! 😉 Breastfeeding was THE hardest part of being a new mom for me. I actually didn’t have much soreness (don’t hate me) but it was SUCH a struggle getting my baby to nurse and he never was easy as far as nursing went….he would fight me and most of the time each session ended with a screaming baby and a very stressed, often crying mommy. (I often compare my breastfeeding experience to pig wrestling.) I, too, was sometimes judgmental about others if they didn’t breastfeed or if they quit soon after starting. I am officially humbled since I ended breastfeeding a little after my baby was 4 months old. It was just ridiculous to continue forcing him to nurse and making both of us MISERABLE. Now I realize that it isn’t always the mom’s fault….I was willing but the baby was the problem! I am jealous of all of the women whose blogs I read who say that breastfeeding was easy from the start and for them, it seems like it was often a hallelujah moment- heaven’s opening-angels singing sort of deal. For us, it was the direct opposite…it was hell! I desperately hope that my next baby will be a better nurser….. and I hope things go differently for you, too! 🙂
I applaud your self sacrifice and determination. Way to go.
I want put in a good word for bottle feeding…not to counter what you have said or in any way diminish it, but there are times and circumstances when it is the appropriate choice. Both of my children are adopted, and both were bottle fed. Both were healthy babies and are now very healthy children. I found that with my also colicky son…even bottle feeding could be a challenging nightmare…it was not the lovey, happy feely experience I expected for the first few months, but it got better. My daughter was easy, and I remember two am feedings fondly…because she was my second…and I knew that our quiet times together would not last forever…so unlike with my first, I really cherished them. You can loving nourish your baby by bottle or by breast. You can bond and find great joy in coming to know this new little person as you feed them…no matter what the means. My sister also bottle fed because with each child she was plagued with breast infection after breast infection. I don’t think she even tried by the time her fourth child came along…and again…her kids turned out healthy and happy.
Ladies…know that there are choices out there…so don’t feel guilty if after reading Katie’s post you still choose the bottle for your baby…like Katie implied…the most judgmental people out there are those who have NO CLUE. You will not hurt a child by lovingly feeding them from a bottle…for what ever your reason.
My daughter was just not a strong nurser. She would get so angry when she wouldn’t latch on. For 6 months I pumped and bottle fed. I can feel you on the sleepless nights and just being trapped on the couch. When I was able to get her to latch, it was with a nipple shield – something bigger for her to grab onto. I wasn’t able to just go out and nurse. I was convinced she never took to nursing because she was in the NICU for 5 days and had a bottle first. I was so sad and felt like a failure. My mom had breastfed all 5 of us with no help – and that was starting in the 60’s when her OB told her she was crazy to do it. Why couldn’t I????
Jump forward to my son. He was born 2 months early and was in the NICU for a month. He didn’t start taking a bottle until he was 3 weeks old (34 weeks gestation is the time they can start bottle feeding instead of NG tube). Anyway, after the experience with my daughter, I was sure we were going to have the same issues with latching, etc. When we took him home at 36 weeks, there was no latching going on. So I just pumped and bottle fed. The lactation consultants assured me to not worry about it and not to force it until he hit his due date. And you know what….he did it. And within a few short weeks, I was one of those moms who was able to just throw a blanket over my shoulder in public and nurse him – sometimes even while walking around. I always looked at those moms with envy and shame. Why couldn’t I do it? And here I was, doing it. My son ended up nursing for 2 years and I was sooooo sad when right after his 2nd birthday, he decided he was done.
I really hope and pray that you will have a similar experience with your second (not the premature part!!!) and have a positive experience with nursing. I look back on the quiet times with him nursing and my heart melts. I just wanted you to know that I had a similar not so positive experience with nursing the first time around, and happily, it worked the second time.
AMEN! No one tells you how hard it really is. I had two friends who were pregnant at the same time as me and both were producing enough milk for twins (or more)! I figured it would be easy. My daughter latched on great and I thought we had it down, but boy was I wrong! She had such a strong suck I ended up bruising; it was so painful. And then to top it all off I wasn’t making enough milk. I would end up nursing her 20 minutes each side and then she would still suck down a 2 oz bottle of formula. Feedings took forever since we were basically doing two feedings back to back.
It took me a while to realize by dreams or nursing, stocking a freezer full of milk, and the ease of breastfeeding just weren’t going to happen for me. I’m so glad you wrote this post, I think its encouraging for other mothers and mothers to be to see that nursing is difficult, and they shouldn’t be so hard on themselves when it doesn’t go exactly as planned.
I really appreciate your post today. My mom and sister were both champion nursers and I of course thought that I would be too. I had the same fight with my baby boy for the first 7 weeks and he did nothing but cry when he wasn’t eating. Then I went back to work and started pumping. He would take the bottle but then it was a fight to get him to take the breast again. He wasn’t gaining weight and would eat his entire supply of breast milk by 10am. I cried all the way to the grocery store that first night to get him formula. Formula was basically the milk of the devil in my mind. He ate it with vigor and now, at 5 months, he is a swarthy little beast with rolls all over. He loves everything we put in his mouth including breast milk and formula.
Last week my second letdown was not happening and it cause a full layer of skin to come off my poor nippies when I detached the nozzles. I cried and bled and will probably scar but I am not going to give up on nursing!
I will say that I have learned a few things about curbing the pain. When I was six months pregnant I started preparing my nipples. Every night I would rub them with a soft washcloth, moving up to a soft toothbrush and finally using a nail brush for 10 minutes on both sides. I have incredibly sensitive skin and at first my nips were bleeding from 2 mins with the washcloth. By the time I delivered, I had steel boom-booms. This was recommended by the La Leche League and I did not have any cracking or bleeding when he nursed. Also, to heal up the missing skin from a week ago, I used lanolin after pumping/nursing and when I was home, I let them breath. Yes, I walked around my house topless for 2 days, sagging all over the place letting those 36Gs flop. It hurt so badly when it happened I considered taking a sick day! 🙂 Good luck this next time around! I understand your pain!
Katie, I think I could have written this post word for word. After 43 hours of labor which finally resulted in a c-section, I tried to nurse Charlie and thought I was dying. No one told me it would feel like a singing hot poker being slowly stabbed into my nipple. It was horrible. I took the classes, saw the consultants, read the books and watched online videos and NOTHING prepared me for that pain. I kept thinking back to a post you had written a while back about breast feeding where you said something like if Will was older or not your kid (sorry, I can’t remember the exact quote) that you would’ve spanked him. I knew exactly what you meant. I would absolutely dread feeding him and I think it really effected our bonding. Every time I tried to feed him it would take a good 5-10 minutes of flailing and crying (from the both of us) to get him latched. The when he finally latched. It was 30 seconds of the most intense, mind numbing pain I have ever felt. I would punch pillows with my free hand or stomp on the ground to keep from ripping him off of me. It was the worst 2.5 weeks of my life. And I felt like a horrible mother for dreading being around my own son. It just felt like he was the enemy and o had to stay away from him. That sounds so terrible, and I still feel bad writing it but people need to know that its not all sunshine and lollipops.
After those first couple weeks I brought him to his doctors appointment where they told me he was severely tongue tied. They suggested a frenectomy (where they clip the string that attaches the tip of the tongue to the floor of the mouth). I talked to several friends who had instantly easy feeding with their babies after the procedure was done and decided to go ahead with the clipping. Well, let’s just say it didn’t work. Which only made me feel like an even worse mother for putting him through it. I cried for days but I was still determined to get him the breastmilk he needed. We’ve decided to pump and bottle feed to keep our sanity. It’s a pain to be attached to the pump every four to five hours, but it has helped tremendously with our bonding and after about 8 weeks I can thank the Lord that my breasts feel almost normal again. I don’t dread putting on bras or standing under the running shower water or cringe when my husband hugs me. I also seemed like the love I had for our baby multiplied exponentialy as soon as we stopped bf-ing. Mo one tells you that these things can happen, so we tend yo be our own worst critics.
I wish I could’ve had half of your strength and determination. I just wasnt strong enough to keep going. You’re my hero!
As a small note of encouragement (because us moms need it), I also had a nightmarish experience with my first baby, for different reasons than yours. My little guy had latch issues, and I was still feeding him every two hours at 6 mos–he never got better or more efficient at nursing! I met with a midwife at that time because I was totally at wits end (I mean almost certifiably crazy due to lack of sleep). She said that this was not normal and helped me to give myself permission to stop. Crazy mom guilt. Then the clouds parted. He was such a happier baby on formula, mostly I think because he was eating enough finally! Well, about almost a year ago I found myself pregnant with number two and I was pretty terrified of a repeat experience. Breastfeeding was my only real worry. The laboring and delivery part only lasts a day at most, but the breastfeeding is every day for months! I was also concerned how to keep up with my busy toddler while nursing an infant. And now I am here to say, God is gracious and SO GOOD. He is these things in spite of my comfort, or lack thereof, but I have experienced real answer to prayer. My second son nurses like a dream, and now I cry tears of gratitude instead of despair! So Katie–have hope!
Ps, sorry for all the typos! I’m writing one-thumbed on my phone while holding a bottle in my other hand 😉
I enjoyed this post. I wish more moms would talk to each other about their experiences and maybe even write a book about breastfeeding that tells the truth. I read so much about breastfeeding and felt so prepared, but I learned that there are some things you just have to experience yourself to really understand. I never had issues with pain (miraculously it never hurt), but my issues were with milk supply. Oh my goodness, I wish I could go back to that point when the doctor told me I needed to supplement with formula and tell myself that it would be okay. I sobbed like a baby and felt like a failure. I somehow managed to continue to nurse for 15 months while also supplementing with formula and pumping after every breastfeeding session. It was like running a marathon. I was never able to get more than an ounce of breastmilk at a feeding despite trying every thing I could. Everything in the books says true supply issues are rare, but I learned over time that many women struggle with the same issue. I’m expecting my second, and my biggest prayer is that breastfeeding will be easier. I hope your next experience is better than your last, and that you are able to breastfeed pain free next time!
Brava to you Katie, for sticking with breastfeeding through the pain. I never had pain from breastfeeding, except for a few times with an improper latch. I did have great difficulties getting my first baby to latch. The hospital lactation consultants weren’t helpful. We spent probably $200 on an independent lactation consultant and it was more than worth it!! She understood what my daughter was having problems with and then showed us a myriad of techniques to deal with that issue and all sorts of other helpful tips and tricks.
First of all, job WELL DONE (Great done sounds weird ) for sticking with it. It can be so hard! I didn’t have pain issues but had other issues that made nursing tough for my first daughter. After multiple chiropractor visits (especially with difficult births/csections it’s a good idea) and some ($$$) craniosacral therapy she finally nursed without screaming at me! It was like nursing a different kid.
Anyhow, I just want to say that it will hopefully be different for you this second time. Each baby is so different. No promises but my second was a breeze to nurse. SO different than the first!
My daughter has a tongue tie. Her tongue is attached to the tip. She just turned 3. It has never caused her problems but BF was extremely difficult. So i just pumped and feed her with a bottle. She is my miracle baby. After 5 pregnancies and 1 live birth, we have been told we can’t have anymore children biologically. Praying that you have a wonderful healthy pregnancy.
Thank you for your honesty! I am still nursing my 11 month old and recently found out we’ll be expecting #2 in December. When I found out I was pregnant a few weeks ago I immediately thought of all of those HARD LONG weeks (heck, HOURS and MINUTES) of nursing a newborn. I didn’t realize we had a bad latch going on until week 6 and by then, I had scabby blisters. The pain of that plus the pain of nursing was awful but I stuck it out — mostly because I am cheap and my baby refused a bottle and a pacifier so I was everything. Now at month 11, I love it. I enjoy our quiet time together before naps and bedtime. I am also pretty amazed at my selflessness to gut it out and do something for someone else.
PS – weight loss and breastfeeding does not always happen. I found once we started naturally weaning, the weight is now coming off!
Thank you Thank you Thank you for this post.
I agree, that Day 3 is the worst day. I don’t remember screaming that hard during labor like I did when feeding her. I too had an aggressive eater. She left me a blister that bled on one side. I pushed through the pain until my sweet little newborn spit up blood. Every two hours I would sit down on the couch with my toes curled under, dark chocolate in my mouth (anything to help release happy thoughts) and tears streaming down my face to feed my baby. It was less than a week before we broke out the pump.
It is very true that the baby also has to learn how to breastfeed. Yes they have the natural reaction to suck but they don’t always know how to nurse.
We are at 9 months and I can finally say that I enjoy nursing her. She finally cuddles some and gets so excited when I sit down with her. I really hope we are able to make it to a year. Just like with the pain of labor, you forget over time how bad it really was, and start to replace those memories with the sweet happy ones.
I’m glad I’m not the only mom who had no trouble breastfeeding. Everyone says it hurts, and it was the thing I was worried about most when I was pregnant. I planned to do it out of “obligation”, but ended up loving it. I’m sure the first week was uncomfortable, but I really don’t have any memories of pain, and I sure remember a painful birth and lots of awful colic, so I don’t think I just blacked it out. I nursed our daughter 14 months, and our son 12. Anyway, I know my sister-in-law had a horrible time nursing my nephew, so it must just be a hit-or-miss thing. Like stretch marks and such.
Katie,
You are awesome for posting this 🙂 I wish I would have read something like this before my first daughter was born. But I wanted to tell it did get a little better with my second baby. I still had the searing pain and even got mastituous but it didn’t last as long and I got to actually enjoy breastfeeding after that. With my first, it was much much worse. So just trying to throw a little hope in your direction. Thanks again for posting this.
I agree. I had major supply issues from the start and had to supplement with formula. I saw lactation consultants, ate a special diet, nursed/pumped/bottle fed pretty much around the clock for the first month without it increasing much and it was hard to let go of the guilt. I’m glad we powered through it and still nursed and pumped for a few more months after I had to return to work at 12 weeks. I finally gave in around 6 months (my supply was so minimal and the icky basement bathroom/pumping room at work was less than desirable). My son is now 2 and has a very healthy immune system. He’s only seen the doctor 2 or 3 times outside of his well checks.
I love your honesty Katie! I always feel like I’m talking to one of my best friends when I read your blog. =)
I had a smiliar experience with my first and thought it would be easy with my second!!! Ha!! Was I wrong!! Lol!!! I remember sitting in my chair having to mentally prepare myself everytime she latched on. My very sweet supportive hubby walked by me one evening when our second was just days old and said, “Honey relax…you look so tense!”OMG I about lost it!!! Those first few weeks are horrid..and for some it’s longer than a few weeks! My lactation lady told me during a very tearful phone call that just because I’d done this before with my first baby this new baby had to learn. That helped me a lot!!! So I’ll be praying for a smart baby #2 for you…and your boobs!! Lol
One more thing…durning those first 2-3 of nursing my second I had horrid stomach pains that I would compare to contractions!!! Apparently that’s normal/common but I had no idea!!!! Oh the things we do for love!!!!!
I love this post and your response!!! 🙂 Ive been BF for 18 months and after 2 bouts of mastitis and 2 bouts of thrush on nips (yup OUCH) we made it through and truthfully months 3-18 have been great! Im starting to think about weaning and the thought of it makes me cry 🙁
Great post Katie B. I do not have any babies, but hope to one day in the (near) future. When it comes to pregnancy, babies, breast feeding, giving birth and all that jazz I am in love with the wealth of information that is available, and I especially appreciate reading about personal circumstances such as your own. I have to remind myself that everyone is different so that I don’t get too scared sometimes, but like I said, I really appreciate when people put themselves out there and tell it like it is.
Much love!
Meaghan
You inspired me to actually be honest and share my thoughts. I look back at my blog about newborn-hood, and I think…what was I talking about?! I make it sound like it was all honest and fun. I share your sentiments completely!!!
Thank you for sharing your struggles because so many women go into breastfeeding thinking it will be a walk in the park compared to the pain you experience with childbirth (i know i did!) and then when it gets tough, they aren’t prepared and often don’t have the support to continue with it. after my challenging experience nursing (excruciating pain for 8 weeks due to cracks, bad latching, etc…) i have always said that i would much rather go through a natural childbirth again than go through my nursing experience of the first 8 weeks! this post really touched my heart since i experienced and felt all of the same emotions you did and persevered to give my daughter the best start she could possibly have and i’m so glad i stuck with it. she is now 14 months and we still nurse before bed but i know this time in our lives is slowly coming to an end and i will greatly miss that quiet time when it’s just her and i, and together we disconnect from all of the distractions of the day and have our peaceful moment together. it was truly one of the most rewarding “jobs” i’ve ever had. i’ve said to my friends that our rite of passage into motherhood is not without our “battle scars” and we should be proud to have them since they signify one of life’s greatest sacrifices! best of luck to you with this pregnancy!
This is exactly what my experience was like. 7 weeks of agony, feeding sessions that lasted forever, constant pain. I felt so ripped off because I didn’t get that bonding time with my tiny baby, and by the time he finally settled down and the pain lessened, he was already 12 pounds or something! But we stuck it out and it eventually became okay.
Word of encouragement–the second time around was awesome. I think because my expectations were so horrible, I was very pleasantly surprised. My daughter was a great nurser, and I had more confidence, so even though I experienced some discomfort the first week or two with latching on, the rest was great. Also, a friend advised be to nurse her for 10 minutes per side and call it good, which was the best advice ever!
The biggest message in this post is to not judge another mom for the choices she makes. It is not possible to walk in another person’s shoes. If that baby is loved, fed, kept warm and secure they will thrive. The less judging we have the better.
Congratulations on making it through the whole year! I’m breastfeeding my little one now (he’ll be 9 weeks tomorrow!) and it’s been tough. I’d always heard breastfeeding was hard but I don’t think I realized just how hard it would be. My experience hasn’t been as bad as yours but the little guy bit me at the beginning and started that up again a few weeks ago. I’ve broken him of the habit twice and hopefully that’s the last time I have to do it. Here’s hoping that you have an easier time with your next one!
Kudos to you, Katie. I hope for your sake the 2nd time around is different/easier. I’m nearing the end of breastfeeding my first child (she’ll be one next month). I also had one year goal in mind, but I’m pumping less and less every day and my freezer supply is slowly dwindling down. BUT, I have to keep reminding myself that I’ve “done good” by my baby. We’re lucky we were able to do it as long as we have.
The lactation specialists gave me a nipple shiled (Medela) while in the hospital. I had, at one time, hoped to quit using it, but to be quite honest, baby T didn’t mind it, and we got a much better latch with it. I didn’t have sore, cracked nipples, and even when she started getting teeth, little bites weren’t a problem. So, you may consider looking at that option. Like I said, I had hoped to stop using it, but it never happened, and I’m not even sure if I was supposed to continue using it. Ah well.
Hope the next one is smooth sailing for you!
Wow. I’m so impressed that you stuck with it. I have a 7 month old boy who
loved to nurse from the beginning, we didn’t have any problems ever with breastfeeding. He also never had colic, and was just an easy happy baby. And yet, and yet, even with all those positives that didn’t stop me from going through the darkest, hardest, most miserable period in my life after giving birth. I guess I had postpartum depression, but I would describe it more as my hormones just going out of control. I had it easy and I KNEW rationally everything was great, but that didn’t stop the misery. It took me 8 weeks to get out of that place. After 8 weeks it was like a light got turned back on and all the joy came back into my life. My normal optimism resurfaced and and baby and I have had a great time together since then.
I think one of the hardest things about that time period was that I felt blind-sided. Wasn’t this supposed to be the happiest experience of my life? Why did I wish I had never gotten pregnant and how could I love my baby and resent him at the same time? I wish that i had been a little more prepared for the negatives that can come after pregnancy. Fortunately I had friends who had been through the same experience and they would call and text just to tell me ‘it will get better, this will pass and you will love being a mom.’ That was what got me thru it and now I do the same for new moms when I see that desperate look in their eyes.
I think being open about the good AND bad experiences of motherhood is so, so important. Thanks for sharing your experience!
Soooo…. does that mean Willster turned two on Sunday?!? If so, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Also, thanks for posting this. The thing I love most about your blog and what has made me continue reading it for over a year is your pure honesty, openness and courage to share your life and experiences. Although I’m no where near having children yet (need the hubby first) I’m pretty sure I would have had no idea that this could happen. It’s a little scary to think about but so much better to be prepared. Again so so appreciate your honesty, Katie.
I, too, had a terrible time breast feeding my first son. He just wasn’t interested in eating. Still isn’t at age 8. (oh, if only I had that problem!) I had to feed him every two hours. And every feeding took over an hour including pumping before and after, undressing him completely, stimilating him, using bright lights. I would only have one hour breaks all day before we started it all over again. (And I say WE — because it took 3 people to accomplish it for the first month. I’ll spare you the details on that!) I did it until just after his first birthday (Didn’t want his actual birthday to be traumatic — although it turned out he couldn’t care less).
How did I get through it? By taking it day by day. Every morning I would say, I will try this for one more day. Maybe tomorrow I’ll give up. But each day, I would choose to continue — for this one day only. And before I knew it, we were at 12 months!
The good news for you: My second son was the EASIEST to breastfeed. Latched right on, no pain at all, great milk production. EVERY. CHILD. IS. DIFFERENT.
Thanks for sharing. Breastfeeding is super hard and I always try and talk about it with new moms because sometimes it just feels like you are the only one fighting that battle and I want them to know they aren’t alone. With my first, he was so hungry I had to start supplementing with formula at about 6 weeks and we were done nursing by 6 months. He was a biter! He would chomp down and pull away as hard as he could. I thought I was going to have permanent nerve damage. With my second (who is now 4 months old and still exclusively breastfeeding :)), I thought it would be easier since I knew what I was doing. Wrong! My nipples were so traumatized that, by day 3, they were bleeding. I’m not telling you this to scare you, I’m telling you just in case you have a similar problem becuase I did find some things that worked that they didn’t have when I had my first. The lactation consultant gave me a perscription for All Purpose Nipple Ointment. You have to get it at a compounding pharmacy and it is spendy! But boy is it worth it and you don’t have to use very much. You just put a little on after you feed and then you put these flying saucer looking things on that keep anything from touching your nipples. I found it even helped with that shooting pain. I don’t know if it works for everyone, but it sure helped me out. Just something to keep in mind.
Your story is much like mine. Emergency c-section, first feeding thinking “this isn’t so bad”, fast forward to the next day with microscopic knives stabbing my nipples with each latch, feeding every two hours like clock work for months, and no reprieve even for 5 minutes of alone time in the shower where the water hitting my chest might as well have been someone flicking me constantly in the boobs and then my clean body immediately being accosted with a stream of breastmilk that can’t be constrained. Ug, the thoughts are making my uterus go into hiding.
Like you too though I found it a great exercise in self control. In mind-over-matter. Proof that I am willing to sacrifice myself at any expense for my son. And not only did I have to overcome my own weaknesses, I had to fight off the naysayers. My mother-in-law who constantly nagged at me to give up, my mother who thought breastfeeding was easy and couldn’t sympathize, my husband who was supportive by being silent because he really didn’t understand why I could curse something so feverishly, but still be adamant to continue.
And like you, once feedings were down to one time a day, and the task wasn’t all consuming, I cried when I had to stop.
Sharing is critical. Women must know the range of what might happen to them. And now that we live less communally we have lost the stories that help us all cope. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Reading this post was a really uncanny experience; I went through virtually the same thing with my daughter. She just turned one and we’re thinking about weaning, which is a sad prospect, and yet that we made it to one year feels amazing. Like you, in the beginning months I cried at every feeding and experienced an unbelievable amount of pain – eventually I had a crack in my nipple that was so big I had to stuff it with a small burn wound dressing in between feedings (sorry for the oversharing). I don’t know anyone else who experienced this level of pain with breastfeeding, so it was both with sadness and relief that I read your post (I was beginning to think I was alone in this!). Thanks for sharing.
Oh I remember that pain as if it was yesterday and my “babies” are 22 and 19. Don’t want to worry you but I thought it would be easier second time around because I was supposed to know what I was doing – It wasn’t. Kept going for 8 months with the second one but never did really get it sorted out properly we just muddled through together.
Yeah, it was horrible with both my kids. It was painful and I hated it. Luckily I didn’t feel any real guilt or pressure to do it. I quit at 2-3 months with both of them.
I think this post is great. It’s great that you put the real story out there about having an infant and it’s also great that you’ve repented about your judgments.
While breastfeeding was never really my issue, I’ve had plenty of other mommy moments that have made me swallow my words and repent! Boy oh boy did I not know what I was talking about.
So good job being honest and good luck with the next one. The second child really is easier. They may not be an easier child, but the overall experience just comes easier because you know what you are in for. 🙂
My experience with my daughter (oldest) was so similar to this that I felt like I was reading my own story in some parts. Everything else was cake compared to breastfeeding, but like you I was bound and determined and I did manage to make it work for just shy of a year. With my son (second baby), the beginning was a million times easier, but then he went on a nursing strike for a month and I switched to just pumping, which ended up being way worse than nursing.
Thanks for sharing this. I think it’s important for women to hear the true experiences (good AND bad) of other moms. I wish someone had told me these truths too, so I would know it wasn’t that something was wrong with me. Even my well-meaning family and friends assuring me there was nothing wrong with quitting made me feel like I was doing something wrong. And I described those first few weeks as feeling like a wild animal caged in a very small pen. It was hard. And lonely. And it hurt. And I think it’s SO important to give voice to those feelings not to scare other moms, but to assure those who are struggling that they are not alone and they will find the right road for themself and their baby.
Thanks for sharing this…I too have judge gal’s in the past for not giving breastfeeding a chance, but after personally having a very difficult time with it (and reading great posts, like yours) I feel so much more compassion for those ladies! Breastfeeding is an incredible thing, but it demands incredible effort. But! the rewards, as you pointed out, are many and rich.
Katie I am in awe of your dedication and perseverance! And I am so ANGRY that your lactation consultant blew you off like that! I truly hope your second time around (if you breastfeed again – no judgment here!) is loads easier and if it’s not, I don’t know, email me or something. I live in CA but I know some AMAZING LCs and maybe they could recommend someone closer to you, or webcam with you or something but wow…breastfeeding and mothering is hard for so many other reasons you described and more, but serious pain like that should not be one of them. Congrats to you for not giving up, you have some serious guts girl.
Katie,
I’m a regular reader but I don’t ever comment. As a mom of two, my experience breastfeeding both was completely different. The most significant difference was that I experienced excruciating pain the first month of breastfeeding the first, and no pain at all the second time around. HATS OFF to you for sticking with it. Don’t let your memories of the pain put you off. 🙂
Lauren
Katie,
I enjoyed reading this post so much- mainly because I have a 6 month old daughter and our stories are almost identical in terms of difficulty and pain. I know that exact pain. It’s serious stuff. It’s also seriously worth it. It will be so nice with child #2 to at least know that YOU know how to breastfeed and what to expect, and I believe that that will mentally help you overcome the physical pain that happens at the beginning. (Or the first few months…) And you’re right… people just don’t talk enough about how it DOES hurt. OH but it’s so worth it (I’ve said that twice, I know. But it is!! I’d do it a hundred times over.)
I’m convinced you and I need to be real life friends. We’re too much alike. Plus you come to Chattanooga often anyways… 🙂 Hope you’re feeling well and I am hoping you have the best BFing experience with this new babe ever!
I honestly wish I’d read something like this before I’d had my son. People had told me that it might be difficult, but I didn’t know exactly what they meant, how could I? Yeah, it took my son 7 weeks to figure it out. Seven weeks that felt like years, with me offering the breast, him refusing, me pumping and bottle feeding him. I eventually got him to latch on by using a shield, but he’d still nurse for about a minute before giving up, so back to the pump I’d go, with him crying with hunger while I sat hooked up to the pump. It got to the point where he’d start crying as soon as he saw my breast. I remember lying in bed one night, just bawling my eyes out to my husband, saying, “My baby hates my boobs!” And then one day, it just seemed to click. He latched on and nursed for a few minutes and I sat there in total shock. We ended up going for 16 months, though he’d been ready to quit for a couple of months before that.
Hopefully the experience with baby #2 (and mine, too, due in a week!) will be a lot easier this time around!
Thank you! I wish I had read this post before I had my son. The only regret I had was that I wish I knew how hard it would be. I loved that I did it for his first year (I went way beyond my 6 month goal). It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I wish someone would have told me how hard it would be before I started. I was exhausted. I was in charge of all feedings. I was SO JEALOUS of those people formula feeding because then the dad could do a night feeding. I felt like such a failure. I was miserable. My son would latch perfectly, but I was in so much pain I would cry the entire feeding session and dread the next one. Luckily, at his first appointment, his doctor looked right at me and asked how I was doing. I (of course) cried and told her how much pain I was in. She told me to go and buy a breast shield after we left the office.
http://www.target.com/p/Medela-Contact-Nipple-Shield-Small-20mm/-/A-10762140?ref=tgt_adv_XSG10001&AFID=Froogle_df&LNM=|10762140&CPNG=stationery&ci_src=14110944&ci_sku=10762140
Holy moley, this was AMAZING. I could now nurse without pain. It took about a month and I was able to stop using the shield and had no pain AT ALL while feeding him. I recommend this ALL THE TIME. It was my lifesaver.
I also hated having to sit by myself while friends and family were hanging out. By the time my son was about 4-5 months, I finally got over the embarrassment of feeding and I used a cover and would just do it where ever I was. Luckily my family and friends were not offended. (I even fed him on an airplane) The majority of the time they didn’t even know what I was doing. You couldn’t see anything. It was almost like he was sleeping with a blanket over him.
Thanks again for sharing your experiences!
Thank you so much for sharing. I do not have kids yet, but will soon. I have always planned on breastfeeding. I have a friend who tried and tried and tried and it just wouldn’t work. My mom did. She had some similar pain to yours, but not for as long as you did. I appreciate your honesty so very much. This post terrifies me though. I already am ok with getting the drugs during labor if it’s too much pain to handle. I want to have an all natural birth, just don’t think I can handle it and fear others will look down on me for not having the all natural birth. I guess kind of like how some people look down on others for not breast feedings. I fear that if I have a similar experience to you, I wouldn’t make it. I do think breastfeeding is the best way to go if you’re able to. Some people, like you, are lucky and it helps them lose weight. That was not the case with my mom. She breast fed all 3 of us kids and it didn’t help her lose hardly any weight. So I guess it’s just different for everyone. I really hope and pray that you have a better start with this little one on the way. You are an amazingly strong woman, so even if it’s not picture perfect – you are going to be just fine. Thanks again, so much, for sharing this deeply personal issue with all of us. Blessings on you.
I too was like you and judged the moms who gave up on breastfeeding, till I had my own nightmare. No milk came in. I wanted to breastfeed so badly that for the first week I stubbornly refused formula even though my daughter wasn’t getting any food. Every day I thought, today, today I’ll have milk for her. I don’t think I’ve ever cried that much in my life. No book ever mentioned that this could happen and I was so unprepared. I continued the routine of breastfeed, bottle, pump for a month. I was a mess and it wasn’t till I gave up trying to pump and BF with every bottle that I got a little bit of milk and was able to nurse her once a day, right when she woke up. I only got 4 months of nursing her and I’m so thankful for that time. And I will never judge another mom again.
This post was phenomenal. I am 4 and a half months pregnant and have thought a lot about breast-feeding and how much I hope I succeed at it; and, your post just confirmed that it’s important to persevere and continue on through the pain. So many times you feel like ‘am I the only one experiencing this?’ and just to feel that I’m not alone is just fantastic. Thanks so much.
Nursing is SO HARD those first 6 weeks. My husband would wake up in the middle of the night and I’d be holding the baby just crying buckets. It hurt too much physically to feed her and it hurt too much emotionally to give up and give her a bottle. He would just yell “give her a bottle” and I would start crying all over again. But I committed to it. It was my version of running a marathon. And once those first few weeks were over – it was like I was on a runners high. I went back to work at 6 weeks and had a baby that refused more than a nip from a bottle. Ended up having to drive to daycare at lunch EVERY DAY to nurse her (it was a great day when she took 2 4oz bottles – we never needed to upgrade to 8oz size). But, it was SO WORTH it in the end. I was the first in a generation to nurse in my family (and the only one in my current generation – both sides of our family). And I wouldn’t change it.
I nursed my first for 15 months and my second for 9 months – so all in two solid years of boobs. In my experience (everyone is different) the second time around was much easier. I think the first time you are both learning what to do, the second time you know what to do and you are just teaching the baby. Much improved. Which is not to say I slept more than 2 hours at a time with either baby, but I guess I just adapted quicker.
I have nursed my three children, my two sons for 17 months each and currently my daughter is 6 months old and nursing. Each time it was so painful! It lasted around 6-8 weeks all three times. After that I went through thrush (3 times-1st son, 2 times-2nd son, 3 times-daughter), mastitis, and clogged milk ducts galore. It is all worth it in the end.
I also wanted to tell you that I would hold my daughter by the back of the head while nursing and she thrashed about. The nursing consultant told me to hold her at the back/neck. It totally worked!! She said holding them in the back of the head makes them push back. Remember that for next time!!!!
Katie, I could write something so long telling you about my breastfeeding experience, but I’ll give you the short version instead. I totally get what you are saying. I had a very similar experience. Since I am also a student and can’t sleep when the baby sleeps (that is when I’m working on my dissertation and conference calling my profs!) I feared I was legit going to have a breakdown. I scaled back school stuff. I tried to rest more. At 8 months, I decided to wean and introduce formula for the first time ever. This was super emotional, as I’d planned to breastfeed until 2 years and never use formula. I only made it 8 months. I am a better mom for it, and while I loved breastfeeding in some ways and did have amazing bonding experiences with my little man, I think this is better for us. I never got anything by pumping (despite eventually buying a $280 pump and seeing 4 lactation consultants about it — still DROPS) so I never got a break from my hungry, frequent nurser who ate ever 2 hours. Anyway I guess this is the long story. All I wanted to really say was thank you for this post. THANK YOU! You’re the best and sooo not alone. I’m so impressed you made it and persevered. Good for you 🙂
Holy cow! What a journey! Thank you for sharing the breast feeding is not all rainbows and cupcakes 🙂 I look forward to breast feeding my baby in October and I hope to have a positive experience. Thanks for sharing K!
I breastfed all three of my babies for between 2 years and 18 months each (my middle child was exclusively breastfed for nine months, she didn’t want solids at all). Fist two babies I got the normal soreness that went away within a week or so, but my third had a bad latch. I got cracked, bleeding nipples that made me want to crawl out of my skin and run away. It didn’t get better until around six weeks, and I had to constantly unlatch and relatch him. It was a nightmare.
Congrats on making it so long. If you have problems again contact your local La Leche League, and they might be able to help you.
I am so sorry you struggled so much and I can relate! My nursing experience with my daughter (who is now 4) was much like you described and would on and off latch 2o times before she would just sit there and nurse for like 45 minutes! After about 3 weeks we got it, but I would be white knuckling the arms of our chair every time she latched on. And the thing is with breastfeeding being painful versus childbirth, with nursing you have to do it over and over, raw nipples or not and with childbirth you do it in that one crazy moment or surgery and you get to heal and not open up the wound over and over. My daughter also weaned pretty much right at a year and never looked back. I can see how her personality played out even in those early days of nursing. She wants what she wants, will do what she wants to get it and when she is done, she is done. My nursing experience with my son (who is 16 mos) was wonderful and what I imagined it would be with the first. I think he benefitted from my “try, try again” with his sister and I had no soreness with him, he was efficient (5 minute nursing sessions) and was this happy sweet nursing boy–a boob man if you will–and we nursed until 13 months when I put the squash on it. I say all that to say if you dread it a second time around, chances are it will be much easier and less traumatic because you know what to expect. Best of luck to you!! I love your blog and just recently started reading.
Katie after reading that I feel like mothers who nurse are nothing short of amazing! I do not have kids yet, but we have been considering beginning to try very soon and reading your post was like a breath of fresh air! Hardly anyone tells you the “for real this might scare the crap out of you and make you never want to conceive” truth and reading this before I am even pregnant truly helps! I admit I have always been one of those people who did the judging thing as well…”How DARE she not breastfeed!” and now knowing (really knowing) the ins and outs the good and the bad makes me think differently. I know it will certainly help when we venture into parenthood as well. Thank you thank you thank you for your real talk…I (and everyone else I’m sure) appreciates it so much!
p.s. I also wanted to give you a little shout out for your post awhile ago when you ranted a bit about not getting pregnant and how frustrating it had been for you. My best friend had been trying to conceive for over 22 months and I forwarded her the link to that post. She actually copied the whole thing and sent it out to some friends and family that just weren’t getting how hard this process had been for them. Needless to say she just finished her first IVF treatment and she is pregnant with TWINS!! God works in mysterious (and awesome) ways right? Thanks so much!
I haven’t read everything, but I wanted to say, I had a similar nursing experience with #1 and a wonderful nursing experience with #2. Perhaps I was more relaxed or perhaps it was because one of us had done it before (unlike the first time :-)). Whatever it was, I didn’t question everything and it was better. I just wanted to let you know it could be a lot better this time. I definitely think that questioning everything and stopping and starting can get everyone worked up. One of the (many) causes of fussiness is a surplus of fore milk (the protein stuff) and not enough hind milk (the fatty, filling stuff). Once the baby gets the hang of staying with it for the fatty stuff you are often good to go. Also, I wanted to say that one of the saving graces with my first child was something a lactation nurse called a Boob Sandwich. The lateral compressing (even more than the C), etc made a world of difference in how she latched on. Just a thought for next time. And I had been told by other nurses that everything looked good and it certainly didn’t feel good. But it rarely felt bad with that “sandwich”.
Hi Katie-
I don’t normally comment on blogs, but I truly felt compelled to comment on this blog post of yours. First, I wanted to thank you for sharing your breastfeeding journey – I know how hard it can be to share something that personal and difficult. I wanted to let you know that you are absolutely not the only one out there who found it painful and difficult to breastfeed their child. My daughter was born on Halloween 2011 (she just turned 5 months old the other day). From the start I knew I wanted to breastfeed her as long as possible (knowing I was going back to work when she was still fairly young). Like you, I read up about it ahead of time and felt fairly confident about being able to do a good job at it. While we were in the hospital she did great – she latched on really well and I felt like we were really doing a great job. Once we got home a few days later, my milk started to come in. It was (like you) one of the most painful things I’ve ever experienced. It felt like my boobs were on fire and there was no way to extinguish it. And my daughter (like Will) was a VERY vigorous eater – she was described as a barracuda. My nipples were raw until she was at least 3 months old. I was using lanolin cream like it was crack, and it was honestly the only thing that made me remotely comfortable. I was able to pump for a while and tried to hold on desperately to exclusively breastfeeding her, but my daughter was getting hungrier and my milk production was decreasing from pumping so much. As of now I am just breastfeeding her either in the morning or at night, and I know I will miss it when we are done. I wanted to go to 6 months exclusively breastfeeding her because of all the benefits, but this is what our situation has become. I’m at peace with it knowing that I’ve given her as much as I could have and it has been better than never breastfeeding her at all.
So (in my long winded way) I just wanted to tell you that you are definitely not alone. I absolutely know where you are coming from. I also wished that someone would have filled me in on that ahead of time. My mom thought I was crazy because none of us did that to her. I know I wasn’t crazy and it wasn’t just in my head. I hope you have a more positive experience from the start with your new addition on the way! Congratulations by the way – I am so happy for you and your family!
– Jonelle
Beautiful post Katie! Honest and brave. Thanks for sharing your journey.
Thank you for this, Katie. I’m expecting my first baby in May, and appreciate an honest assessment of what it can be like. I only hope I can be as strong as you if I’m in the same situation! Thanks again…
Thanks for being so honest about breastfeeding! I was the same as you before I had kids…I would quietly judge moms who didn’t nurse their kids, or quit before they were 1. Then, I had 2 babies who refused to nurse. I pumped for every single feeding (which was hard enough with my first baby, let alone with baby #2 when I had a 2 year old running around while I pumped 10 times a day). Finally, with both of my babies…my body just couldn’t keep up with pumping and I had to stop nursing at around 7 months. I’ll never judge another formula fed baby or mommy again! Sometimes choosing NOT to nurse is actually the healthiest option! I hope your nursing experience is better with baby #2-and if not, that you will feel ok if you decide not to nurse.
Katie, I’m so sorry your experience was “traumatic!” I’m sure lots of moms can share your pain….literally. But for those soon-to-be-mommies reading, I want to offer some reassurance. Every body is different, every baby is different. My boys (now 3 and 4) were both “barracuda” style eaters – meaning they latched on strong and nursed HARD, but I experienced ZERO pain in nursing. Even during that first week when my milk came in! My lactation consultant gave me some great advice – including things like keeping my back to the shower so the water didn’t stimulate letdown, using lanolin ointment to prevent cracks, and taking Motrin to reduce swelling. I never had supply problems or any infections. The sleep deprivation is hard to get used to, and pumping is quite possibly my least favorite task ever, but some people can nurse without any of the trauma. Especially if your breasts are on the larger side to begin with, you may not notice the milk coming in as much, and you probably won’t get as engorged and have those rock-hard painful boobs to deal with. My husband and I both attended a nursing class before our first son was born, and we got a lot of helpful advice. A good latch is key! It was great for him to hear everything firsthand, and helped to be supportive of what I was going through. Oh, and we definitely used pacifiers, too. I never had a “nipple confusion” issue, and that helped my husband soothe the baby between feedings.
Katie, I wish you the best with new baby! I’m 25 weeks pregnant with my third, and can’t wait til July when she arrives!
Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing your story! I have a 2 month old baby and I can’t tell you how many times I have wanted to throw in the towel and quit. So good to know that other mom’s out there have gone through the same thing! And I couldn’t agree more about how sadly I was that judgmental woman towards mom’s who didn’t breastfeed. I completely get it now!
Thank you for sharing your experience. You described the searing pain perfectly. My experience was simimlar. I was beginning to associate the anxiety and tears at every feeding with my newborn daughter in general. I felt myself tense up everytime she cried or cood, afraid that she may be hungry. I admire you for sticking it out, I think made it a week and a half. The final straw came when my daughter was finished, and I looked down to see that instead of milk dribbling from her sweet lips, it was blood. And not just a coulple of drops – her mouth was full. I was horrified. I don’t know where the blood came from, but it wasn’t from my nipples cracking, so lanolin was not going to get me through another feeding. Quitting was the hardest decision ever, and the post-partum hormones, and new mommmy books just added to the guilt.
After 11 years, it still stings when people suggest I didn’t do what was best for my children, or that I wasn’t committed or strong enough (obviously, they haven’t met me :), however I am confident that I made the right decision for my family. Both of my formula fed children (at 7 and 11) are happy and healthy. They are not overweight, have never had an ear infection, have very strong immune systems, have never needed anti-biotics, and are in the gifted program at school. I agree with other posters, moving past the breastfeeding issue allowed me to be more present with my children. I am proud to have a very close bond with both of my children.
Breastfeeding is good if it works for you, but new mom’s should not feel like failures, or quitters, or bad mommies if they can’t or don’t want to go this route. Being a happy, loving mother is most important!
YES! I used this Nipple Shield from day 1 because my son was having trouble latching on and I never once had any nipple pain…even after I stopped using the nipple shield! He is almost 11 months and we still going strong! SERIOUSLY…try this nipple shield if your experience with baby #2 is as painful!! This nipple shield is awesome!
OMG yes, THANK YOU. This is what I’ve been saying since I had my kid. I’ve blogged about it extensively on my own site, too.
I think the BF class instructors don’t want to scare poor little women away from breastfeeding by talking about the, um, adjustment period. But dammit, I would’ve done a lot better if I had been told: “Time to cowgirl, up, girlfriend, this won’t be easy, but push through it, you can do it,” instead of that blasted “if it hurts, you’re doing it wrong” adage they seem so content to dish out.
At 3 weeks post-partum, I was sobbing in my OB/GYN’s office begging to be diagnosed with a yeast infection of mastitis or something – anything! – because then I would get medicine and it wouldn’t hurt anymore. She said I was perfectly healthy and I cried even harder. Worst clean bill of health ever! She told me it took her 6 weeks to hit her stride. Cue even more crying. Six weeks! Twice of what I’d just done? Are you crazy!
In the end it took us 10 weeks to get it, both of us. We were able to continue nursing until a few days after her second birthday.
I wouldn’t say it’s free (I like Hanna Rosin’s line that breastfeeding is only free if a woman’s time is worth nothing) but it does have many advantages. It’s the automatic baby reboot button, for one thing. Tired? Crabby? Cold coming? Here, have some boob! Presto!
And, fortunately, maybe because of the community I live in, or my inability to care after a certain point, I didn’t feel the need to be sequestered after the first few months and was boobs-out (well, not out-out, but you know what I mean) all over town, state, country, and world, whenever my kid needed to eat. But we’re not at a cultural stage where that’s easy for woman, at all. I certainly respect any woman who breastfeeds a little, a lot, in private, or in public, or not at all.
But yeah – everyone fawns over the pain of labor and delivery. That parts ends. We should spend more time worrying about the after.
In short – Katie, I love you, be mine.
I’m so sorry about your nursing experience! There’s nothing more I can say. Hope it gets better with the second one!
One of the best things I ever granted myself permission to do was NOT commit to a year of breastfeeding, but rather recommit myself each morning depending on what I could do.
When I was in pain from a c-section, trying to satisfy a 10 pound HUNGRY boy who honestly didn’t sleep for 8 months, I wanted to quit all the time. If I had said to myself on day one, “I have to breastfeed for a year. That’s what all the good moms do. That’s what I’m told I have to do. That’s what I WILL do.” I truly believe I would have been setting myself up for failure, disappointment and guilt because BF is HARD and staring down 12 months would have killed me.
Instead, each day (and on some hard days one feeding at a time) I said, “Today I will breastfeed my baby. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring (to my will, my body, my psyche, my hormones, etc.) and I certainly don’t know what one year from now will look like, so for today…I breastfeed.” As it turned out both of my boys were BF for over a year and I loved doing it (after about 3 months).
What I’m saying is….Moms, do not tell yourself that it’s a year or nothing. It doesn’t have to be that way. Let it be for today that you will do the best you can do and that is all you can do. Tomorrow is another day. Don’t let the prospect of 12 months completely overwhelm and derail you. 🙂
Good for you for hanging in there. I gave up before my first was even 24 hours old. It hurt so unbelievably bad, I told the nurse to just get me a bottle! I never tried again. Knowing what I know now (that was 13 years ago), I wish I had stuck with it. Hopefully your next will be easier.
Thanks for this post. Had very similar excruciating pain for the first 6 weeks…when are they going to stop teaching that if you are doing it right, it shouldn’t hurt?? I spoke with 2 lactation consultants after my daughter was born and they could not tell me what I was doing wrong…good for you for sticking it out. I am due with my 2nd in a couple weeks, and am hoping the first 6 weeks will go a little smoother. Thanks for your honesty!
That’s exactly one of the reasons that breastfeeding immediately after birth can be helpful for women – though literally hurtful, too. Breastfeeding releases Oxytocin – which is the natural version of Pitocin – the stuff they give you to speed up labor and cause contractions. Breastfeeding releases a ton of it, especially immediately after you give birth. It helps the uterus contract which is necessary, and can help abate bleeding, etc. It does, however, feel terrible because you just got done contracting, so, ick, no more!
But oxytocin also makes you lovey-drunk-sleepy. So it’s an upside/downside thing.
Thanks for sharing. This was a wonderful post. I do not have a sister, so I was NOT prepared at all for breastfeeding and the pain (physical and emotional) that comes along with it! You have probably really helped out some women by posting this today.
Katie, you aren’t the only one who wanted to football your baby across the room! (I had a ‘C’ also and didn’t take the pain pills either).
In the early days with my first baby, I breastfed every 2-3 hours around the clock. I remember those pains sometimes when baby would pull…and pull…and pull some more. There was no substituting a pacifier, either.
It is a big accomplishment to breastfeed Will as long as you did. (Once the teeth started coming in, that was the end for me!) I heard somewhere that what really ‘counts’ to build up the baby’s immune system is the first 6 months–after that, breastmilk doesn’t protect the baby as well as it did. Do you know anything about that from your research?
I was so there with my kids! I wondered why I was doing it wrong and if I was doing it right, why on earth it hurt SO much. I was a judger too before my kids. I have since learned. I nursed my daughter until she was 13 (hard) months until she bit me so hard that I just couldn’t do it again. My son was a biter as soon as he got teeth (4 months) and he bit me horribly. It was awful. I finally couldn’t do it anymore and weaned him at 9 months. It was then I felt like I could start enjoying being his mom. 🙁 It is so hard. I hope that you have a better experience with baby #2.
Thank you for sharing. I had an extremely difficult time breastfeeding and your story has inspired me to try even harder this next time.
Oh, my, I can relate. My Lauren (now 14) was a comfort nurser, but everything else you describe was the same. It was horrific. I wanted to quit. I hated it. I got mastitis, and had to nurse through my own 104-degree fever and excruciating pain. I leaked like a sieve. I don’t know how I got through those first 6 weeks. I swore never to judge anyone for any feeding decision EVER (and I never have). After 6 weeks, it was tolerable. It wasn’t good, but I wasn’t miserable. It improved–to the point where Lauren and I became pretty good at it. Eventually, it was everything people had promised–easy, comfortable, portable, and convenient.
We continued for 17 months, and I am so glad we did. I am prouder of that than of delivering her. I know it was good for her and for me. But wow, it wasn’t easy. I only have one child, but often wondered whether it would have been easier the second time around–I think it would have, because I knew so much more. I hope your “round 2” is as easy as I always dreamed mine would be!
Wow- congratulations for making it an entire year! I had a similar experience to yours and gave up when my son was about 4 months old.
I went back to work when he was 12 weeks old and the pumping during the day between meetings on top of the painful night feedings was what put me over the edge.
Next baby I hope to have a better nursing experience and hope that you do too.
Oh sister, for the love… PLEASE get yourself a nipple shield with baby #2. It will change your life in the best way possible. I had SO much pain in the beginning – used this until my son was about 8 weeks old, then stopped using it (since they say it can reduce milk supply – this really happened zero percent with me) and just nursed regular until we finished up! It was a great experience. Because of the shield. 🙂
I had a similar experience, at least pain wise and feeling like a failure. My mom LOVED breastfeeding so I figured I would too. I tried with both kids but my milk just never came in, I stuck with it and gave them every drop I could for 6 weeks. But had to stop not only because I hardly had any milk, but for my own sanity. It got to the point where you question what’s better for the child, having a mom that might lose it and do something harmful at any moment or one that is loving and caring…I opted for the loving and caring and bought some formula;) The hardest thing for me was feeling like a failure in others eyes…my mom and mother in law just couldn’t understand why I wasn’t breast feeding…and probably never will. I think it’s just impossible for someone who had a great experience to understand the emotional toll it takes when it doesn’t go how you envisioned it would in your head. Thanks for sharing your story….you are such an amazing mom!
I relate to e-v-e-r-y single word in this post, every word. My son is 8 months now and I did switch to formula when he was 3 weeks. I do feel bad to this day that I didn’t continue but he is healthy and happy, so I am happy. I had SO many people tell me not to stop and its not that bad after a week. well as you said they are liars, big fat liars. Some woman have it worse than others, I found out that a lot of the people that were telling me not to quit, it didn’t even really hurt for them. I was so angry and sad all the time while breastfeeding, I thought all those people telling me not to quit were the biggest jerks (I used different words here and there ha) I did find out from an aunt that it only hurt for 1 out of her 4 children. So with your next child I pray that its a joy and not a crying-wrestling match-toe curling-body tensing experience. And when we have our second, I hope and pray for the same. No more pain!
P.S. I really enjoyed reading this post because I can finally have someone that had the same pain as me.
Breastfeeding my first daughter (who will be 3 years old this month!) was practically the same. Latching was sooo painfull for the first few months, I thought I would die. Lots of tears.
I am currently breastfeeding my second daughter, she’s 10 months tomorrow, and I have to tell you that it was much easier this time. I don’t know if it’s because it is my second time nursing or just that she is a different baby, but I hope that your second round will be easier too!
Great post Katie! I have 3 month old sweetie and feel your pain!! I also used the nipple shield for the first 4 weeks or so but I hated breastfeeding so much and would dread the feedings that I would put them off (I was supplementing with formula because she lost too much weight in the hospital) which then only got me clogged and infected ducts. That was awful. It was so painful to pump or breastfeed while infected. The pump was slightly better and the baby takes the bottle so that is what I have stuck to. It probably takes extra time to pump AND feed her with the bottle but my boobs very much prefer the pump!! Whatever works…
I had a pretty similar experience while breastfeeding my 3 kiddos. I feel like people never talk about this when they tell you to breastfeed, but so many of us experience it. I had so many of the same problems. The nipples so raw it feels like they are burning (I had a saintly nurse who prescribed Neuman’s (sp) ointment for me. It was heaven sent. It is hard to come by since I don’t know if every pharmacy makes it, but it saved my so-sore-they-were-starting-to-ooze nipples. TMI? Sorry) And the intense pain when they latched on. When you said the thing about throwing the baby across the room thing, I felt the SAME thing. I love them and knew this was the best for them, but it is not always easy to get it going.
As an extra benefit, I have heard that it seems to be a factor in lowering the chances of breast cancer in the mother and in the breastfed daughter. To me that is a big one too.
It isn’t easy, but really is anything about raising kids easy? It is definitely not for the faint of heart or the weak.
Thanks for showing once again what a strong woman you are Katie.
Cristin, I’m with you on the fear of others judging your childbirth. I wanted to go all-natural too, because that’s what my mom did…then I did some research and found out that much of the drugs they were offering back then were NARCOTICS. Doctors still didn’t really know how they affected the baby, etc. Ultrasound was just coming out back then, too, so my mom didn’t have any…but of course, nowadays they’re perfectly safe and routine.
You have YOUR baby born the way YOU think is right. Just like you get to raise YOUR baby the way YOU think is right. I know it’s hard to stand up to the criticism, but nobody can make decisions for you because they will never be able to experience that moment/situation like you did.
My sister would sit with each of her kids and I could practically see the clouds part above her head as tiny angels settled on her shoulder to cast a heavenly light upon her newborn, while they sang sweetly to them both. She would get this look of complete peace on her face. I though – shoot – I can do that. I’ll do that, no problem! And my mom said “eh, not such a big deal” so I thought – shoot – I can definitely do that!
Er…. yeah, not so much. I mean, I did it, but much like Katie described in the post. But I totally do know that some women and baby teams hit it out of the park from the start! And I share that experience WITH mine to any mom who asks. Hope for the best, but know the potential worst!
Forgot to mention the size change added to the pain. I went from a B to a DDD over night. Yes you read that right DDD. Triple D. oh the pain. the largeness. Enormous is an understatement in my mind
I only had 4 months of breastfeeding one of my babies, too. I felt like a failure when I had to give formula, but the baby had to eat. The hardest part for me was eating and drinking enough so that I could make milk in the first place. All I wanted to do after being up with the baby every 2-3 hours was sleep!
I feel your pain.I’m nursing my thirteen month old and it STILL hurts! She’s a chewer. While she’s nursing, she chews, even though they say that’s not possible. She got teeth at 4 months old and used to bite EVERY time! I had blood drawn. The whole experience has been both painful and wonderful, and my girl also developed a really good immune system. If I hadn’t used the nipple shield that first month, I don’t think I could have made it. I also wanted to throw her, and dreamt of my breasts being torn off. I think breaking it down into goals helped me. I told myself I’d do it for six weeks and then reevaluate, because I’d heard that’s how long it took to get past the pain. Then I chose three months to evaluate again, etc.
I know that pain! I had that horrible constant pain from breastfeeding for two months after my son was born, but I was determined to breastfeed. My son was very jaundice and he was loosing too much weight, it was so important to get it up within a couple days. The first day home, I cried for two hours with my sister, while she helped me nurse my son. I even hand expressed milk into a tiny cup, just to get my son enough milk. It was a horrible first two weeks of breastfeeding. I hesitated every time he showed signs of hunger. I cried every time he latched. I cried as the sucked. It was awful and my nipples were raw. I tried different positions, creams, compresses, warming beforehand, everything suggestion I heard. I had to pump and give each side a break. After a month it had gotten a tiny bit better, then terribly worse. I couldn’t not have a tight bra on. Toweling off in the shower was intense pain on my nipples. I had shooting pain the first few minutes of latching. I found out I had a yeast infection of the breast. I took medication and followed so many steps to get it to go away. It finally did and then a few weeks later I got strep and had to take antibiotics and the yeast infection came back. I remember feeling helpless. I didn’t understand why it didn’t work easily for us. His latch seemed fine. It wasn’t until two months later that things started looking up latches. One day I spent hours looking for videos, photos, directions on how exactly he needed to latch. I found one illustration that made so much sense. It finally clicked how I needed to position my breast for his tongue. Something the three lactation consultants never mentioned. From then on breastfeeding started to work well for us. My nipples began to heal and breastfeeding wasn’t traumatic. I only got eye contact once, it was so sweet, but he wasn’t interested in it. He used to run his hand through his hair while he nursed. I was able to breastfeed my son until he was 14 months. My husband asked me if I would go those two months again for my next baby. I totally would.
I read this in an email once, then saw it again here. I know you will appreciate it. 🙂
http://www.parenting.com/article/suck-it-the-real-way-to-prep-for-nursing
I second the experience with BF and weight-loss not always going hand-in-hand. My sister – dropped it like it’s hot. Me? Not so much! We just weaned (at 24 mo) and now I feel like I have more freedom to work out. I’m hoping THAT works 😉
You can have a cocktail and probably not affect her at all. In fact, nurse her while you’re having a cocktail. Despite popular opinion, anatomy books will confirm there is not a direct tube from your mouth to your nipple! By the time she’s done with her drink, yours will just hit your bloodstream. Everyone wins. Or, look at it like driving. The general rule (of course, you know your metabolism and tolerance best) is it takes one hour per drink to drive safely. So if you have a glass of wine and you nurse your daughter more than an hour later, there will probably not be much of anything scary that makes it into the breast milk.
I may have just outed myself as mother-of-the-year, I know, but I nursed my kid for 2 years and at a certain point, mom just needs to confirm she can have a mimosa with the family so I did my research.
Hi Katie,
I had a similar breastfeeding experience. We’re at a year (next Wednesday), and I’m hanging on for dear life while struggling with supply issues.
I wanted to recommend that for your next baby, you get connected with your local LaLeche League. Do this before the baby is born.
I did not get connected with mine until my daughter was seven months old, and I missed out on so much great information and an entire community of support. The women really know their stuff, and there should be a certified lactation consultant involved. That person is probably more experienced than the LC at the hospital who only deals with newborns every day.
Also- I think (and you can virtually slap me for saying this) that breastfeeding really shouldn’t hurt that bad AFTER the first couple of weeks. If it does, I think there is a problem.
It’s possible that you had an over-active let-down. That would account for the extreme pain and for Will’s flailing and kicking.
I can’t emphasize enough how amazingly supportive the LaLache League is. I think that if you get connected with them, you will have an awesome breastfeeding experience with your next baby.
Been there with you sista! Nursing is hard work. It was difficult with all three of my kids. While I was pregnant with my third, I prayed daily for a better nursing experience in those first six weeks than I had with my first two. What I wanted was for God to take the pain away, but His answer was to give me more patience and a more level head that third time around to be able to handle the pain and know there was a light at the end of the tunnel. So keep your chin up, pray daily for your breastfeeding journey with this new little one, and know that all us Mommys out there have got your back.
No babies here yet, but I really appreciate your story. I had never heard of “this side” of breastfeeding before, and I think having a more realistic view of what it can be like will help me when our time comes. I hope things are a little easier with this baby!
Thank you for this – thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am pregnant and it’s my first – everything in the books say that nursing is such a wonderful experience yada yada yada. I’m glad to have found someone who will actually say it like it is!! Now I can have a realistic expectation for what nursing can be like.
great job, Mama!!!
I had it super easy (sorry…. but the flipside of what you’re saying is that new moms don’t need to be terrified of the pain before they even try! it’s NOT bad for all mamas!) and nursed for 12.5 mos. if anyone wants to, you can read about my experience on the breastfeeding page on my blog.
I have to say, Katie, that I don’t think I would have been woman enough to power through those AWFUL first few months. Will would have been fine either way, of course, but what you endured is really admirable.
Thank you so much for writing this honest post. If I had read this before we had our daughter or maybe sometime in the months when I was breastfeeding, I probably would have continued. It really is helpful to know that others felt that same agonizing pain! I would cry and cry and cry. I did it exclusively until she was 6 weeks old, then introduced formula and it was obvious that she had been starving the way she drank the bottle. I continued to nurse in addition to the formula until she was 6 months old. I have always felt like such a failure for quitting or not trying hard enough to produce more milk or whatnot, but…I guess I need to tell myself it’s ok! I will try again with our next one! And refer back to this post for encouragement! 🙂
Thank you so much for sharing your story! I can’t tell you how in awe I am of you! I too planned to breastfeed, read books, took classes, got the MyBreastFriend… and then, my little guy flat out refused to latch.
I tried for 3 days in the hospital with the lactation consultant, but nada. When I checked out, her best advice was “keep trying!”. So I did for a few more days to no avail, the kid would just look at my boob and scream his head off. I had been pumping and bottle feeding, but my milk never really came in (my guess is that it was because a machine was trying to get milk out of me, not my sweet little boy), so over time, I just lost the motivation to pump and he went all formula. I was raised on formula, and have always been healthy, so I wasn’t afraid of it, but it did feel like I was a giant failure. As I talk to more moms I find that no two stories are alike, everyone has their journey, and for the most part, kids turn out just fine. 🙂
I appreciate you being so honest about your struggles with breastfeeding. I had struggles too.
My son had troubles latching on and so I used a nipple shield for the first 4 weeks or so. It helped him learn to latch and it lessened my pain ALOT. But OH my word, when I stopped using it, that pain was unbearable. It’s hard to remember what it was like now that BFing is pain-free for us, but man it was bad.
To you and any other moms reading this, a slightly unconventional but natural cure for colicy babies is to take them to a chiropractor and have them adjusted. I had several friends with colicy babies who did this, and it cured the colic almost immediately. My baby didn’t have colic, but he had some gas and fussiness issues because I had to supplement formula for a few weeks (I think the bottle caused the gas) and I took him to a chiropractor and it fixed him right up! We still go about every 6 weeks and I am constantly getting comments about how happy and content my baby is. I even took him a few weeks ago when he was tugging at his ear, because chiropractic work can promote proper drainage and help to ward off ear infections! I just wanted to share because I feel too few people know that this can be such a God-send, and it could help you with this next baby!!
Bless your little heart. I hope your 2nd time around is not only easier, but much less painful. Deciding to breast feed, or not to, are big decisions. I didn’t with my son, and tried with my daughter. Both had benefits, and both we had our issues with. The one thing I remember that hurt me more than breastfeeding, was when I wanted to stop & my husband looked me in the eyes and said “You aren’t trying hard enough”. Having support for what YOU need is #1. You’ve got mine, sister!
Amen! Loved this post. After my first daughter was born, I remember crying all day just thinking about the pain that was to come with each feeding. I would even sit and google “I hate breastfeeding”. I found comfort in knowing that not everyone loved to breastfeed! At 3 weeks, I developed an abscess (…..I had skipped over that section while reading the breastfeeding books…) and my surgeon and lactation consultant told me that it was time to stop breastfeeding. It was a HUGE burden lifted! I just had my second daughter 7 months ago and thought I’d try breastfeeding again (although my family thought I was crazy) and, amazingly, it was extremely easy and she still nurses great. I didn’t do anything differently, I guess some babies just make it easier. So let’s hope this new Bower Baby is an easy feeder! Congrats on the baby!
Hey Kaitie I know that pain! My first was painful for two weeks then we were ok, my second was burping up blood from my nipples…I would scream and cry through all the nursings…she sucked so hard…then I found out I had low milk supply, once I fixed that she sucked much more gentle and I didn’t have to flail around when I nursed her from the pain. My third…I prepped my nipples!….what a lifesaver…they say it is old school and doesn’t work, but my MIL told me she did that and it really helped. My third one Is now 4 months old and doing so well with nursing. Every time I took a shower or bath I rubbed them hard with a washcloth for a minute each then would put lanolin on it…I can honestly say…it was only discomfort those first few weeks.
Good luck…I remember thinking with my second…I would do labor ten times over not to have to latch this shark on my bleeding nipple.
I’m so happy to hear that you’re no longer judgmental towards women who opt out of breastfeeding – that was refreshing to hear. For all of its benefits, breastfeeding isn’t always the right choice for everyone. I have only one other mommy-friend who chose not to breastfeed from the get-go. It was by far the best decision I made and I will make it again when my next one is born. I understand what causes me stress and how my stress affects others, and I can’t even imagine how much worse it would have been in those first 8wks after my son was born if I had been breastfeeding on top of it all. I give a lot of credit to women who do it, but I don’t believe in unnecessarily torturing myself. My son got formula from the moment he exited the womb and has a great immune system, has a way-above-average vocabulary for a 21 month old, never had jaundice or colic, and is in the top 90’s percentile for height and weight (and always has been). He’s still a momma’s boy, even though we never had the nursing experience. So our experience with formula has been a good one and makes me confident in my choice to do it again. Luckily, our health insurance covers most of the cost which makes it much more affordable. So while breast is best, the bottle is a close runner up.
Katie,
Thank you so much for sharing this. I had pretty much the exact same experience. The first six weeks of breastfeeding were extremely painful for me. I was raw and my baby was latched correctly according to the lactation consultant. I remember turning to my husband in tears and asking, “How do women actually enjoy this?” Around 7-8 weeks, I got it, around 3 months it was great, and when he weaned at 7 months, I cried. I always share the honest truth about how long it took us to get to a happy place with nursing because I feel like I owe it to new moms and don’t want them to feel alone if they experience the same challenges. I know this probably motivated you to write this post, too. Even though our breastfeeding days are over as well, I’m still so grateful you wrote this. Good job, mama.
Jennie
Thank you for writing this, Katie. I had the exact same feelings when I started breastfeeding. It was the worst pain I’d ever felt, but nobody (until you) ever said that they experienced the same pain. Everyone said “yeah it wasn’t comfortable” but no one said it was this shooting electricity through your body. Thank you for being honest. I gave up. I couldn’t take it. I envy you for pushing through. 🙂
Thank you for writing this. Thank you. I am nursing a 9 month old. We had different experiences, but I love reading what other people go through. Can you write a post on Will’s sleep – you’ve mentioned it can be rocky. I have a beautiful baby boy during the day and a holy terror at night. Any insights on what you have tried, what works, doesn’t, how you nap him…anything…would be great. Love your blog.
i had to breast feed for almost 2 and half years,,,my daughter wouldnt let go…and i was in no hurry to prepare milk bottles so i just kept breast feeding…relatives started to bug me to let her off breast milk but i just told my self that its entirely up to my lil one and she left feeding of off my twins< just 2 weeks before my B!day….so yes she really got breast fed for two n half years…how i did it without getting crazy is i bonded too much with her and most of the tymes i dozed of into lil power naps myself=)
Katie glad you shared and scared me a lil bit but i really trully from the bottom of my bottom to the bottoms of my heart i hope and wish ur second one makes your upcoming feedings much easier and much happier Xperience to share with us!!
This brought a tear to my eye- great post! I had a similar beginning to my journey and, well, a pretty similar ending too. I have fair hair and skin and the entire time I was in the hospital to give birth I kept hearing, “Oh, you’re a redhead. That makes sense!” I finally had to ask and apparently when you fall into that category you can sometimes have a more harsh reaction to pain that would otherwise maybe not bother someone else as much. Whatever! All I can say is that by day three my nipples were peeling, raw and burned just when I looked at them. My toes curled when he latched on and God forbid he didn’t do it right! I never wanted to unlatch and try again. Just before leaving the hospital I had one last session with the lactation specialist and she recommended this pain relieving concoction that a local pharmacy mixed for them and ordered some up. It was the elixir from heaven! It was part lanolin soothing lotion, part antibiotic, and part numbing cream. YEAH!!!! It helped me get through that first agonizing couple of months until everything became a little easier and less painful. I also read in a magazine to distract yourself as they latched. So, I would get a huge glass of ice water and suck it down as he latched or whenever it was painful. Somehow this was just enough distraction to keep from, as you put it, “throwing him across the room”. Because, you are right, that is your gut reaction to that kind of pain in that part of your body! In the end we made it 13 months and I did cry when we stopped the whole thing. Although my little guy did not just walk away, he is a comfort nurser and still (at 2.5) considers my chest his personal cuddle zone, he did let us transition to the sippy cup pretty peacefully. My second is on the way and I plan to nurse with her too. I’m just dreading that first couple of months. I will pray for you, if you will pray for me. ;o) We can do this!
Nooo, don’t tell me it’s not easier with the second one! Not like I’m pregnant yet anyways, I was just holding out hope:) The pain was agonizing for 3 weeks. I was sure that we were doing everything right, I guess your body just needs time to adjust in addition to the baby getting used to it. Whoever says it only hurts for the first week must have nipples of steel.
The weight loss was wonderful, I was down to my pre-pregnancy weight within a year. That was before turning 30, now it’s a little more of a struggle…dang that metabolism.
It was brave of you to share your dark moments, I really hope the next time around is easier. At least you know it does get better.
Thank you so much for this post, Katie. It surely hits very close to home with me. Our early experience sounds very similar and I am at 4 months with my baby girl and she does not take a bottle. I love nursing but as you said, it is a HUGE challenge and undertaking. I identified with so many of the emotions you described.
I know what I am doing is beneficial in so many ways to her and I and of course I will continue to do it for as long as I can but if anything has taught me that being a mama is no walk in the park, it has definitely been breastfeeding!
Thank you again for your open-ness and honesty and I pray for you to be able to breastfeed your next baby too! Hopefully you are feeling well!
Thank you for this. Thank you thank you thank you. Breast feeding my daughters was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. Period. I wasn’t strong enough to continue and chose to formula feed both of them. A choice I am still judged for to this day by some. I wish more moms told honest accounts of breast feeding. I hope you have a more positive experience with you next little one.
Loved this…I am pregnant with my first, and plan to breastfeed. My mom was the ‘expert breastfeeder’ with all 5 of us, so I’ve never been overly nervous about it, but reading up on how difficult it really can be is slightly intimidating. I sure hope I can push through and make it a year! Thanks for sharing!
OH I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!!! And now I’m due May 26th with the second and trying not to freak out about it. Our first was also colicky and yes breastfeeding hurts like a MF. Thought you might enjoy my ramblings about it here:
http://growingsnyders.blogspot.com/2009/08/pardon-pun.html
Thank you for your honesty! I was in complete agony for the first few weeks with BOTH of my children! I continued on to nurse my first son for 12 months and my second son for 21 months which fortunately had become much easier for me after a couple months. I’m due with my third boy in July and am bracing myself… Wishing you and your baby a pleasant breastfeeding relationship (eventually)!
Oh Katie I’m so glad I’m not the only one!! I have nursed all four of my babies (my littlest is a month old) and had horrible pain with every last one of the for the first few weeks. I hated when the lactation specialists would tell me that the bleeding was because they weren’t latching right. I swear I was doing it right! I totally know that feeling of absolutely dread when you hear the baby crying and you know you’re going to have to feed them… you’re right, there’s no pain like it! I wish I could tell you it got better with the other ones, but I had cracked, bleeding boobs with every one of them for at least 3 weeks. One thing that did help is that I learned to start using Lansinoh about a month before the babies were due and before each feeding. I think coconut oil actually works better for the healing, but lots of people will tell you not to use it in case the baby has an allergic reaction to it. Every one of my babies were different nursers… so here’s hoping for you that this one is nice to Mama! 🙂
Thanks for sharing your reality! It’s so important to know all the sides of birth, because there are some amazingly intense and horrifically painful ones, but I just wanted to share my positive breast-feeding story so as not to scare off all the mamas-to-be out there. First off, I’m still nursing my 18-month-old and it’s the most amazing, wonderful, pain-free, comforting, lovely gift for both of us. Yes, I had my difficulties as well (emergency c-section, huge inflexible nipples, tiny baby unable to latch, nipple shield crutch, exclusive pumping for 2 1/2 months, never-ending blocked ducts for months…), but what made the shift from unimaginably exhausting experience to unbelievably amazing experience was to find the RIGHT lactation consultant. I tried at least 4 different ones before I found my angel, and she became my cheerleading coach, my daughter’s teacher for how to nurse correctly, and my boobs’ guide for how to work right. That shift made ALL the difference. I stopped cringing. We both love it. As a gift to my friends before they have their first baby, I take them to nursing group with my fabulous LC and help them learn the realities of nursing (by seeing other moms going through it and supporting each other). Katie (and all her lovely readers), I wish you pain- and fear-free nursing for #2 (and #3…).
i had much the same pain for 10 weeks with my first and 2-3 weeks with my second. i highly recommend Ameda Gel Pads. they last for 4-5 days and are so soothing, and keep your wounds from “sticking” to your bra. i’m alergic to wool and couldn’t do Lansinoh cream.
i’m glad you stuck with it, and encourage others to do the same.
Katie, thank you for another beautiful, brutally honest post about Motherhood! When 1st time Mom’s (myself included) think about how amazing it will be to have a baby, it is nothing like the reality of ACTUALLY having the baby in your arms (face, breast) 24/7. Newborns are a completely different story than say year old babies or even toddlers. I thought I knew all there was to having a baby! HA, whatever – my husband knew more about babies than I did! The first 8 weeks were rough for me – my emotions were all over the page, our little guy had colic during those 8 weeks, and I was having panic attacks constantly thinking of every “What If” in the world that could go wrong but thankfully never did. It was crazy!
My little guy nursed like a champ from day one, and it didn’t hurt unless he didn’t nurse. Then if felt like I was going to explode! Thankfully my hubby was supportive and my mother-in-law too during that time. We all made it through and nursing got much better. In the end I was really sad to give up nursing too. We actually nursed until he was 20 months – yeah, I know most people said I was crazy, but he didn’t want to and neither did I.
Everyone has their own experiences and Motherhood is all about sacrifice. People (myself included) should walk a mile in someone else shoes before judging them. Thanks for the reminder.
Congrats on the new baby! I hope you have the delivery you’ve always dreamed of and a better experience nursing this one!
The first 3 weeks of nursing my son were similar to yours… he would bite and pull and it was extremely painful! I would squeeze the arm of the chair, dig my feet into the carpet, and other crazy things to try to focus on something else! It finally went away and later he became a big snuggler while nursing and he would even stroke my chest with his little hand because he was so content! With my daughter, it was perfectly fine from day one! No pain or anything! I definitely pray this can be your case with this new little one! It is possible!! 🙂
Amen! I too had a miserable start to my breastfeeding experience with my son and cried every time he latched. I thought about quitting constantly. Everyone tells you it shouldn’t hurt but it DOES! Breastfeeding my son for over a year was the most challenging thing that I ever accomplished (until now with my daughter and have to exclusively pump, which is a whole other ball game). You should be so proud of having stuck with it. I hope your second time around has a much more positive start and I think it’s great that you are sharing your experiences, since there’s so many women who struggle.
You did a great service to people in writing this. It can’t be emphasized enough that everyone’s experience is different in breastfeeding (and everything else in life!) so we should never judge others’ situation with it. There are pros and cons to it no matter how it goes. Even if it goes perfectly, there are limitations assocated with it that can be frustrating at times. I breastfed my 2 kids, but pretty much always supplemented with formula. I’m amazed that people can exclusively breastfeed.
gosh, thanks for sharing this! I really wish I would have had this post before my little one was born! I too was expecting sunshine and rainbows with nursing- this amazing bonding experience. Not so much. I would cry every time it was time to feed her again and get physically sick to my stomach at just the thought of it! I resented the poor little thing for needing to eat! Luckily, I had a great support system from my husband. It eventually got better- a little. The miserable pain went away after about a month or so but she still is so distracted when nursing and likes to pull and yank some. Our poor boobs. haha. I’m nervous for her to get teeth though!! Thanks again for sharing this- I think it is SO important for women to know what to expect! Recovery from my c-section was heaven compared to breastfeeding!!
Thank you for this Katie. I feel like I could have written this myself. I had HORRIBLE pain to begin with also and I came to find out I had what was known as reynaud’s phenomenon. I had shooting pain that felt like shards of glass in my breasts! WORST.PAIN.EVER! It eventually went away though and I’m so glad I stuck through it. I too had horrible feelings toward formula feeding moms. After all the sacrfices and hardsharps I had to endure it just seemed so selfish of them to give formula out of convienence! I have gotten better about these feelings and I now understand everyone’s situation is different. My daughter is 10 months now and I have a feeling our nursing relationship is going to come to an end soon. This thought makes me so sad! Thanks for sharing your experience.
I admire you for sticking it out, Mama! I had so much pain in early days — as it turns out, my son forgot how to latch between the hospital and going home, so he tore me up completely. That gave me a double staph infection in both breasts. AND I was finally diagnosed when he was 7 weeks old as having severely hypoplastic breasts, meaning I don’t have enough milk ducts/tissue to make NEARLY enough breastmilk for my babies…no wonder he was failing to thrive and we were forced to supplement (and eventually switch to) formula.
I had such opinions on breastfeeding before my journey with my son. I couldn’t believe people would feed chemical powder “milk” to their babies when their bodies were made to make the free and healthier stuff! (And I needed help losing the 65ish pounds I gained with my son…but I had to join a gym and still held onto 8 lbs by the time I got pregnant with #2 when #1 was 25 months old!) But, like you, I learned not to judge. I envy women who can nurse their babies — I wish more than anything that I could! But I also know that it is hard, whether it ends up working or not, and so I have learned to respect a mother’s choice whether she chooses nursing or not.
I’m so glad you gained respect for other choices too and pray that you do have a sweet and easy experience with Baby 2!
Yes! This was how breastfeeding my first child was. So, so, so hard. And the pain, oh the pain! My second was easier, my third piece o’ cake. I must tell you though, friend, about Dr. Jack Newman’s All Purpose Nipple Ointment. You can look it up on the internet. Seriously helps with the pain, and w/in 24 hours it will help any cracking, bleeding, etc. I had to tell my midwife about it, show her the website and request the rx.. and it is totally worth it!
Kudos to you girl! I can totally relate to you. I had horrible pain!!! I was also told by the hospital lactation consultant to use a nipple shield (medela). My little one hated breastfeeding. With or without the shield. He fought, kicked, scratched, pushed away, you name it. I felt like I was at war. I would sit with him and cry and say to him over and over, “mommy just wants to feed you baby.” He fought so much my mom (who breastfed 3 children) said she wouldn’t do it. It never got better, only worse. Since I knew I had to return to work at 12 weeks, I bought a breast pump (medela freestyle) and haven’t looked back. He takes a bottle like a dream. He is now 9 months old and I am still pumping. There are definite sacrifices that come with any choice you make. Thanks for sharing your experience and know you aren’t alone. I will pray for an easier time with baby #2 for both of us!
Katie, I hate to tell you this, but it will be useful, since TONGUE TIE IS GENETIC. (caps because it will catch your eye amongst 186 comments, hopefully)
When your ped said ” I asked the pediatrician if his tongue was attached (it’s just short but not totally attached) to see if that would remedy the problem. ” he would have been right if you’d been having no problems, but nipple damage means the latch is not good. If the latch hurts AND is causing damage to your nipples, AND their tongue is tied, then odds are that the tongue tie is the culprit. It doesn’t have to be totally attached, between my two kids the one with the biggest attachment was the better nurser. You also need to watch for tight connection between lips and gums as they can make it hard for them to get their lips in the right position.
That pain you were feeling could well have been because the tongue tie meant that he couldn’t massage the whole breast with his tongue to push the milk out, but sucking like on a straw because his tongue wasn’t long enough.
My advice is to read up on tongue ties in advance, and be prepared to get it snipped at the first sign of discomfort or inefficient nursing. That oain you felt was not normal.
Great post, Katie! Thank you so much!
Amen!!
I just wanted to say thank you for writing this post. I appreciate the honestly and literally feel your pain – I am currently breastfeeding my second child, and although it’s better than with my first, it’s still very painful. I want to hunt down everyone who ever said/wrote/thought that breastfeeding qualifies as “discomfort” and put a vacuum to their nipples for 12 hours a day. It’s not discomfort. It’s pain. Serious pain. Breastfeeding felt like a full time job – an excruciatingly painful one – but like you, I was determined to do it for my kids. I thought about quitting, and my husband encouraged me to quit since he couldn’t stand to see me in such pain, but I stuck with it and I am very thankful I did. Even though I have mom nipples to show for it. 🙂 t couldn’t agree with everything you said more, and it’s always consoling to know that other women have the same experience. So again, thank you!
Katie,
I just had my first baby, whose name is also William, 6 weeks ago and I am breastfeeding too. My experience has not been as bad as yours but it has still been really hard. My baby latched no problem but he can’t get his mouth open as wide as it should be so I’ve gotten beat up. They gave me gel pads in the hospital because he was cluster feeding and killing me. They really helped but even after 6 weeks my nipples are still bleeding and Will is spitting up blood. Now I’m going to try all purpose nipple ointment. Hopefully that will help. I hope it goes better with your new baby!
I so feel your pain and the line about telling yourself not to throw Will I laughed out loud because I had the same thoughts with my second. I do hope you have a different experience this time I do believe it depends on the baby, because my first breastfeed and never looked back for 18 months my second nursed every half hour and nearly killed me and add to the fact he had food allergies so I could never supplement if I wanted but after the fifth or sixth month it did become easier. So I count breastfeeding as a major accomplishment in my life seeing as I nourished my kids collectively three years out of my life:).
I just want to tell all other mommies to be out there that this isn’t the experience for everyone, and I don’t mean that in a “Sorry your life sucks and mine rocks” kinda way. Katie, I think you did an amazing thing for Will!
I’ve been nursing my 8 month old for, ha, 8 months 🙂 At 1 week, I would cry because it would take 10 minutes to latch and my nipples were raw. At 3 weeks, I had a disasterous nursing in public incident, but we ok doing better at home. By 6 weeks, I could nurse her on a rollar coaster if neccessary (although the opportunity hasn’t presented itself). No pain and completely hands free if I sit her on my knee facing me. She is very much a comfort nurser, so I may feed her 8-9 times a day even at her age. Now, pumping is the bain of my existance. If I never heard that motor humming again, that would be awesome!
Way to go. I’m so happy you shared this. My first babe was fine in the BF department, #2 was a little less so, and #3! Oh! #3. OUCH. Every time she would latch on, I would have a shooting pain down my leg that would reverberate nearly the whole time she was eating. Gah. The worst. I had to start her on a bottle. Everyone would ask about it (“oh, she’s taking a bottle already?”) and I felt so ashamed. But turns out every little one is different- who would have thought? 🙂
I hope #2 is a complete angel and coos and makes eye contact and bonds to you like super glue.
Thank you for sharing your story. My breastfeeding adventure with both my babies was chaotic and horrible. My first baby had to go into the ICU, had reflux, and screamed all the way through nursing. I tried for one week, and then I couldn’t handle feeding her being such a horrible ordeal (especially after her tumultuous entrance into the world), so I pumped for 6 weeks and fed her my milk from a bottle (yes, that meant I was either feeding my baby or preparing to feed my baby around the clock). My second breastfeeding experience was very much like yours. I counted to 20 every single time he latched on. It was horrifically painful. I would see mothers feeding their children in public under those cute covers, and I would think, “How in the world!” not because I thought breastfeeding in public was embarrassing, but because Logan and I were a complete and utter disaster together. There was milk and blood (yes, blood) EVERYWHERE. I too talked to my lactation consultant about it and learned that I have flat nipples (who knew?) and that it would always hurt. And it did until I finally couldn’t do it any more at 6 months. And I LOVED bottle feeding my babies. Both my babies were pleasant bottle feeders and scary nursers. Oh, and the baby I nursed for 6 weeks–great immune system. The baby I nursed for 6 mths? RSV, Bronchitus, Ear infections out the wazoo. I think it all depends on the child. Rock on, Katie. Motherhood is too hard to cast judgement on each other.
Just wanted to say that I saw your post today after reading this article (and I thought you might appreciate it!) – http://jezebel.com/5897192/my-six-months-as-a-dirty-boob+swinging-derelict
I had similar drama with my first (though it got better at around 1 month or 6 weeks maybe), it was better with the 2nd (though I totally didn’t think that there would be an adjustment period again and did go through some pain at first . . . maybe a few weeks?) . . . I’m looking forward to having my 3rd at the end of this month/beginning of next month and I’m just going into it armed with my experience that there will be some pain at first and a giant tube of Lanolin. LOL. Thanks for sharing your experience. So wonderful to hear that you stuck it out even though it was beyond hard.
Also – sort of off-topic sort of not – have you ever heard of taking a baby to the chiropractor for an adjustment to help with colic? I have never done this personally, but have friends that swear that it was the magical cure. Maybe something to keep in the back of your mind if your next one has similar issues . . . at least it couldn’t hurt to try!
Katie, this post is a great example of why your readers love you and why we’ve come to love your family through your blog. Sure, your house updates are nice, but it is the family updates that I personally enjoy so much. To see a family filled with so much love for each other, for the Lord, and for others and to see this family presented with humility and humor is a breath of fresh air in our culture.
On topic, my best friend had an easy time nursing her 1st, but could not nurse her 2nd and I had to tell her repeatedly for over an hour that this did not make her a bad mother. Fortunately for her emotional health, after that hour, she decided to formula feed. We were so young, even when she had her 2nd, that she didn’t know many others who had had a child, much less anyone who struggled so much. She could have benefited from hearing a story like yours, to know she was not alone in that agony.
I suffered in much the same way as you – for a much shorter time! I think it shows huge determination, vision and strength of character to continue through as you and many of your readers did. I hope and pray for an easier and more enjoyable experience for you with the next babe.
Katie thanks so much for sharing. I’m in awe of your perserverance!! Good for you! I’d love to hear how you transitioned off exclusively BF. Did you go to cow’s milk or you mentioned Almond milk. Would just love to hear another perspective on it since my lil one just turned 10 months and my supply is dwindling. I need to figure out the next step for us.
i absolutely agree with you about finding the right lactation consultant. I breastfed both of my daughters for 2 and a half years each and it was a wonderful experience with both. It didn’t start that way though, between thrush, plugged ducts many times, and my 2nd daughter’s undeveloped sucking reflex it was a real struggle in the beginning. I kept going to my LC and it got better over time. Just because one LC says the latch looks good, if it still hurts a few weeks later, go to another LC until you find one who really makes a difference in your breastfeeding experience
I am so impressed with your strength Katie to keep pushing through a painful experience and I really hope your next go-around with breastfeeding is a much more positive one!!
Thanks for your honesty, KB. I feel like not enough peeps tell mom-to-be’s about breastfeeding trauma.
I would’ve gladly gone thru 10 more C-sections when it came to the pain of nursing. It hurt so much that I swear my left nipple is so riddled w/ scar tissue, it will NEVER look the same again (like our boobies are ever going to look the same way again right, but that’s why we’re not saving up a college fund for Quinn but rather saving up a “boob-lift” fund for me instead, har!).
All the consults/lit/resources out there say it’s not s’posed to hurt if you’re doing it right…..well, even doing it right CAN HURT like a motha. I don’t think the pain went away until the 3rd month for me. Maybe Quinn’s a biter, a clamper, aggressive eater or whatever but nursing was def. something we both had to work at (similar to you, I had to pump/bottle feed/etc at each feeding) & I think now we’re hitting our stride. I will never silently judge others when it comes to breastfeeding ever again, that’s for sure.
You did a GOOD thing, mama.
I sooo relate to the only one position (one hand on boob, the other hand on the back of baby’s head to keep him from squirming away). The books and classes I took suggested other positions, and I thought yeah right, that’s so not happening. I thought it was a touch of post-pardum, too. But my sadness seemed to be all breastfeeding related. The isolation (he was not going to stay still under a cape or blanket for public feeding), lack of sleep, no eye contact and soreness made for a depressed momma. It can be such a struggle! I have another little boy due in July and am praying for a better experience or at least a more prepared state for myself to endure!
Katie, God bless you for striving in your breastfeeding struggles! My first daughter’s birth was a horrible experience with an emergency c-section leaving me in an emotional and physical mess. My one last chance at having something “go right” with my baby was breastfeeding. Right from the get-go it was a struggle. I had immense pain, cracked/bleeding/scabbed over nipples, engorged breasts, and a colic baby to boot. I didn’t ever have that bonding connection when she was born which left me with a bit of PP Depression. About 6 weeks PP, though everything seemed to calm down and I could FINALLY begin to enjoy nursing (and my baby!). With DD#2, though, it was a whole different experience, for the better. Even though she had to learn how to nurse, it seemed like my arms “knew” how to hold her and make me comfortable so I could nurse correctly. I know it sounds bogus, but I swear that’s how it felt. I was also much more comfortable in general since I didn’t have to learn all the things that caring for a newborn entails since I already knew that stuff from DD#1. I bonded instantly with her and life has been good ever since. She’s now 1 and we’re still nursing!
I will hope and pray for you that baby #2 will be a better a much more comfortable and peaceful experience! I’m also rooting for your VBAC (I didn’t get a VBAC with DD#2 but it worked out in the end just like everything does in life!)!
Hi Katie!
I feel for you with how tough it can be! I didn’t have your pain but felt tied down for the first few months. Now I’m 13 weeks along with my second child and am excited about what’s to come. It’s such a short amount of time that you have to do that and that’s it, it’s over and they’re into sippy cups and solid food!
Best wishes!
Great post, Katie! I, too, had a very similar experience. That first month was a DARK one. I can’t tell you how many times that I wanted to “throw in the towel”. I was so frustrated that I was literally stuck to my daughter for hours. I remember talking to the doctors about when to count the every two hour feedings. I thought you would start the count when she finished. I was shocked when they told me you start counting when they START to eat! I thought this was crazy!!!! I went back to work at six weeks, which totally sucked. Thankfully, I work in a organization where a couple of managers breastfed their babies for a year plus, so going away to pump three times a day was encouraged. I know some mothers don’t get this kind of support, so I am always so thankful. Seven months have passed, my baby girl was born this past August, and I am still nursing. It seriously is one of the best things. I’m usually the girl who gives up on things before I’m sure, so I’m so happy that I stuck with it. I seriously feel empowered. I’m little girl is so healthy, and for that I’m so thankful and blessed. I’m glad you wrote about the dark and hard times, and I’m also glad you wrote about sticking with it, because I know of many women who don’t even try because they are afraid of the pain, time commitment, etc. For me, nursing has been Mother Nature’s way and God’s too, of telling me to slow down and be present for this miraculous gift.
…the pain can only be described as running full force without a bra or t-shirt and sliding onto the concrete sidewalk! when my baby would latch on it made my toes curl and I would be swearing up a storm in my head. it was the most intense pain i had ever felt. But the pain does subside and then you can truly enjoy nursing once the trauma is over. my baby girl is 10 years old now and if i had to do it all over again…heck ya!
I gave up myself. I had to get back to work in 6 weeks and it was all too much. The hospital supplemented with a bottle and he preferred the quick release of the bottle, so then he refused to nurse. I kept at it but then my extended family made me feel like I should be embarrassed about it and I was WAY overemotional already, so…
Bottles are a total PITA too btw.
Katie – Thank you so much for sharing this. Ironically, I am reading this as I nurse my 3 month old. I shared so much of your struggles with breastfeeding too and saw a light at the end of the tunnel also around 6 weeks. I remember a few weeks ago the very first time I really felt like a breastfeeding mom – my daughter just stared up and smiled at me, so much so she couldn’t focus on eating anymore (and she’s an eater!!). It’s still a struggle with pumping at work and feeding every 3-4 hrs at night so I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to do it, but I’m taking it one day at a time
I’ve never left a comment but have followed your blog for a while now (thanks to the lovely folks at YHL) and just felt really compelled to chime in with your post here.
Happy anniversary to you. My goal also is to make it to a year but whatever happens I’m very proud of myself for giving it my all!!
Happy Easter weekend
~Katie
Never left a comment before, but enjoy reading your blog. I only have 4 words to say… You. Nailed. It. Sister. This post was so funny I laughed out loud. Every word of it was the truth. This, folks, is reality.
Well said. It was way more challenging then I had ever imagined. I would do it again though.
Wow, Julianne, I could have written that. I wanted so so so badly to breastfeed, and I admit I sometimes silently judged mothers who didn’t. The same thing happened to me, and although my son’s pediatrician fretted over his weight loss (he never regained to birth weight, and actually began dropping weight) and strongly suggested formula to make sure he was getting proper nutrition, my OBGYN’s office staff made me feel awful by straight out saying that if I switched to formula my son might thrive physically, but he would be stupid (yes, really). They suggested all kinds of things to make my milk come in, but nothing ever worked, and then they said it was just my fault for not “trying hard enough.” Needless to say, I switched OBGYNs and fed my (now almost five, and very smart, even disregarding parental bias) son formula. Life goes on, but I’ll never get over the regret I feel for being so judgmental to other women’s feeding choices before I even knew anything about them.
I had a great experience with my first child, but only lasted 2 weeks with my 2nd! I would dread feeding time so much that I would squall for an hour before feeding just thinking about how much it would hurt. My husband & I decided that if it was going to make me so miserable that it wouldn’t be good for any of us to continue. Just wanted you to know that I had very different experiences with each child, so don’t be afraid to try again with the new baby…you might be pleasantly surprised!
I nursed my two boys without any paint at all. I never realized that it wasn’t that easy for other women. This was educational for me. Thank you.
That should say pain, not paint!
We started with rice cereal with pumped breastmilk at around 6.5 months of age and worked up to solids. I did all purees at home – just simply because it was sometimes cheaper. He turned out to be allergic to pears early on…so we nixed those but were really adventurous with other foods. When it came time to do milk, we did almond milk because in my family, we have ear infections and my sister heard with Cole that almond milk can help keep them at bay. It did help her…and when Will had his first infection, we decided that it might work for us too (so far so good).
Other than that – we let him eat whatever we are eating – spicy food included…and he loves it.
xo – kb
Yup! Actually my mother in law recommended it because she did it with Jeremy (weird huh?) but we spoke to a friend that was a chiropractor and he said that it really helps most with vaginal birth babies. Since Will was a c-section baby and the cholic didn’t start until the second week of getting home, we were told that daily massages and a more balanced diet on my part would be most helpful. I probably wouldn’t rule it out though!
xo – kb
wow – thanks so much for your story. as i sit here typing this, i’m currently nursing my 11 week old (yes, i’m multi-talented). breast feeding was definitely rough for me those first few weeks although not nearly as painful as you seem to have had it. i definitely would scrunch my toes/bite my cheeks though when he was first latching on for quite a few weeks! yowch! no one told me how lonely those first nights are as i was the only one up with him. i would be so isolated as everyone sat down to the dinner table & i was on the couch nursing. it is finally starting to get easier and i’m enjoying the bond that we are forming. your honesty is refreshing! i hope & pray that you will have an easier experience with your new little one on the way!
Oh definitely! I thought he might be because Jeremy is 🙂 And I do believe it had something to do with it. But I do trust our pediatrician who is a very big breastfeeding advocate when she said that his tongue was necessarily the whole problem. Its definitely something I would notice earlier on the next one.
xo – kb
Great post Katie! It’s nice to know that there are other Mom’s out there who struggled with breastfeeding. I did it for a year with my first and plan to do it again with my second, but it was not easy. I agree though, that for us, it made a HUGE difference in how often our son was sick (basically never).
Well, I took really good care of the ta-tas…like Lansinoh ointment every feeding, Soothies from the fridge, drying out shirtless, constant massage to ward off mastitis or clogged ducts – kinda good care. They were damaged at first but I definitely let them heal properly…they just hurt. Pumping hurt. Shields hurt. Air hurt. I am grateful that I didn’t have contraction pain at all…cramps yes – but just felt like labor or period pain – not the piercing type pain. I think in the end, it came down to a short tongue + a small mouth + two high strung people who didn’t know what they were doing.
xo – kb
I’m gonna try!
xo – kb
Thanks for sharing your story. I just wanted to share another perspective. I had absolutely no pain whatsoever with my son or tandem nursing my twins. However, as women it’s so important to share our collective experiences with each other. Being a mom (and particularly a first time mom) can be so challenging, and it is so great to have the support, stories and knowledge from other women.
For me it was childbirth that was excutiating. I remember a friend saying that it was like mild period cramps. Yeah right!!!! I would describe it more like getting kicked in the gut by a horse people! Thank the lord for epidurals!
I guess it goes to show that we all experience motherhood differently but that it’s not easy for any of us. Thanks again for sharing your story.
I breastfed both of my sons and -beware!- I’m about to babble on and on and on about it! 🙂
With the first one, he had what I like to call “lazy-latch” problems the first afternoon & night and into the following morning. I had a terrible nurse who pushed formula on me, trying to scare me, saying that they wouldn’t let me take him home if he didn’t get back to birth weight/wasn’t eating, she even came into my room with that Enfamil package, the one they give to “all new moms” WHILE I was speaking with a lactation consultant. I still hate her almost 7 years later and I actually wonder how many women didn’t continue to try to breastfeed because of her. Eventually, I asked for a breast-pump because if he wasn’t going to latch for long enough, then he was getting breast-milk SOMEHOW, I was determined. It seemed that getting things started for him, pumping just a little colostrum, was all we needed, it was smooth-sailing after that. We even co-slept with him, making night-time feedings even easier! It’s an amazing feeling to know that your body is doing exactly what it was designed to do, it’s an empowering feeling, no doubt.
My second son is a different story. He latched on right after he was born and I was so confident that we’d have no issues throughout. Turns out, he had reflux and would just scream and scream every time I tried to feed him. We started him on Zantac and I cut so many things out of my diet, not knowing if it was something I was eating or what. Didn’t work. We eventually switched to formula and ended up propping his bottle while he sat in his infant car-seat to eat. It was the stuff of my nightmares. I couldn’t even buy the formula, I sent my husband. I cried constantly. I felt that my body had failed me and in turn, I had failed my son. He even slept in his car-seat because it was the only way he would sleep! It was one of the darkest times in my life. He’s four-turning-five years old now and completely FINE. Happy, loved, affectionate, kind, just the same emotionally as my co-slept, breastfed son… most likely he won’t be a serial killing psychopath, thank goodness! 😉 I want to go back in time, turn off the incredible guilt and just enjoy him for who he was!! I missed out on so much happiness by worrying about the formula and the bonding and the terrible, awful, horrifying, oh-so-wrong feeling of propping your kid’s bottle…. I would sit next to his carseat, touching his face, holding his little hand, telling him how sorry I was and you know what? I really wish that I had known that breastfeeding is NOT the be all-end all of good mothering. I made it all about ME and my feelings, it was hard to see back then that I WAS doing the right thing FOR HIM, he was getting exactly what he NEEDED. It was never about me after-all. 🙂
Now, I tell new and expecting mommies that you do what you have to do. It’s called “survival mode”. 🙂 The most important thing we can do as moms is to listen to our gut. The nurses don’t know, the lactation consultant doesn’t know, even the doctors don’t always know. They have good advice and tons of supportive and informative opinions but new moms need to realize that the baby is an actual individual, a real person. What works for one most likely won’t work for the other because guess what? They’re different people! Breast or formula fed babies can be loved the exact same way, I proved it and THAT’S really what’s empowering.
Do I think breastfeeding is best? ABSOLUTELY. It just might not be what’s best for your baby.
There are a lot of Americans who breastfeed in public…but with a little thrasher on my chest, drapes and blankets were out for a time…so instead of flashing my brother or the youth group visitors my boobs, I decided I’d rather have the privacy and freedom in an empty room. I think everyone is different though and some people have no qualms about getting boobilicious with perfect strangers 🙂
xo – kb
Yes. I would. And I know exactly how to torture you 🙂
xo – kb
My older sister just visited this week, and since neither of have children, we were lamenting the fact that “nobody tells everything.” I feel like each time one of my girlfriends has a baby, I get a little more information (like the giant diaper you might wear after giving birth, and the fact that your uterus might continue to contract when you breastfeed, etc.). It is stories like yours that give me confidence that no matter what I go through, I’ll have someone to turn to.
I do want to add that I breast-fed the second one for four months before we finally switched him over to formula 100%, and I didn’t lose the baby weight nearly as quickly, even thought I lost the weight the first time by 6 weeks post-pardom! Like I said, bad, bad, bad time in my life. Hahaha!
Katie, I admire your tenacity and courage, both in feeding Will, and posting this story for all to read. I have heard of many mothers who have severe pain being diagnosed with yeast infections, being passed between baby and mother, and that they go away after about 9 months, because the infection is self limiting. Thank you for all your wonderful tips, and for all your comments, it will make my experience later so much easier.
Beautiful! Thank you so much for being so open and willing to share. I had a similar first 3-4 weeks and I was shocked that nobody ever bothered to prepare you for the 1. healing from labor, 2. getting your body used to breastfeeding. I am fearing weaning my 15 month old (who is pretty much done) because I don’t want to experience what I experience with her with my second, I don’t want my body to get comfortable and then ‘learn’ again ;).
I loved loved your description of practicing devotion, and realizing it’s beautiful.
Oh how i wish i stuck it through. with the twins and them being preemies they couldn’t latch in the beginning and we had to feed them with syringes. it would take 30 minutes to feed them 5mm of milk. i tried in vain for about a couple of weeks, the process of pump, make bottle with fore and hind milk, breast feed THEN pump, repeat for second twin AGAIN which took a total of 2HOURS and they needed to eat every THREE. I got about 30 min of sleep in between if that. Then take the boys to the hospital every day to do this process in fron tof the nurses so they could weigh them before and after. WHEW, I can’t believe it all happened. For sanity sake, I felt i needed to do bottle in the end. I was on the edge and cried all the time. I so wish I could have breast fed though with my husband freshly laid off, formula for two was a pretty penny.
THANK you for being so candid. And hearing all these stories from mommies every where. We all have different ones, but we all struggle. I cringe when I hear a mom friend boast how easy it is and how everyone should do it or they are a horrible mom.
Now that they are 3.5 yrs old, I need someone to breast feed so I can drop this last 20 lbs!!!!!!!!!!!
Holy cow KB! I am due in August and plan on giving breastfeeding a try. My nipples hurt just reading your post….this should be an interesting experience.
exactly, listen to your gut. everything you said rings true.
I’m sitting here nursing my 11 week old baby girl as I read this. It is so worth it- the end of your post had me in tears! I had so much pain nursing with my son (also born c-section, and I remember the pain of nursing so much more than the pain of recovering from surgery too!). Thank goodness the pain only lasted 2 weeks (pain = feeling like 1000 needles are being jabbed into my boobs with each suck!) – it is so amazing you hung in there for so long! I remember sobbing when he had to nurse off the one side where my nipple was actually torn from his sucking! This is my second baby, and it was comfortable so much more quickly! Hopefully this is the same for you!!
Sometimes I don’t comment because I see that there are already 380 other comments of stories from people you don’t know – but for some reason I’m going to go ahead this time. Thanks for sharing that post – it was brave! And I personally appreciate it because A) I’ve wanted to share my similar journey on my blog and haven’t had the guts, and B) my breastfeeding experience was so so so similar to yours. My son (now 17 months – and I nursed him for 13 of those) was never, ever a happy/content/comfort nurser. He never, once (until the very last month, one time) even acted like he cared whether he nursed or not, and he was NEVER calm – meaning I nursed him for 13 months in complete solidtude (besides my husband)…and got VERY distracted if anyone or anything was going on in the room. It was such a huge sacrifice of not only my body, but my entire life including all relationships – but one that I would never trade for anything. You’ve already laid out all the benefits so no need for me to repeat, but I am so happy and grateful that I stuck to it, and look forward to nursing our future child/children. My boy is as healthy as a horse and I am proud of the fact that I never once purchased formula. Thanks for sharing your story!
Your experience was very similar to mine…god-awful pain for about 4 weeks, and all of a sudden it changed. I have read a lot since, and I think mine (and maybe Will) could have had “posterior tongue tie.” It’s not the classic heart shape, and it’s harder to diagnose, but it can cause the painful nursing, damaged nipples, and lots of thrashing around. I noticed that during the first 4 weeks, I couldn’t see her tongue when she nursed. It was just chomping. It changed and I began seeing her tongue in the corner of her mouth.
My hospital lactation consultant was ok, but not great. I had much better luck with La Leche League leaders and friends. Here’s hoping your next experience isn’t so rough!
Thank you for this post. I just weened my little dude a month ago and when I started weening I was so sure I was ready for it to be over. Now that I’m all dried up I am so sad that we don’t have those moments together, just us. I feel like the end of BFing is the end of the era of mom. Like every day from now on I will become a little bit less his favorite person in the whole world and it makes me so incredibly sad. I’d take the bleeding nipples, the excruciating pain, the mastitis (oh the mastitis!!!) all over again just to for a few more of those moments that we’ll never have again. It’s hard and it’s life-consuming and there are times when it really sucks but it is so so so so so so incredibly worth all of it.
God Bless you Katie! We (women/mothers) need to talk more openly about these things & share. I breastfed all 3 of my kids up to ages between 6-9months & those first few weeks ARE hard. I shared that with my pregnant girlfriends. It did get easier with me with subsequent children. My first though, I came home day 7 & sat on the bed every feed & grimaced & cried & asked my husband, “how am I going to do this for at least 6 months?” My pain was only upon attachment, only for maybe 1-2mins & only for about 3-4weeks. But it’s pain, it’s not discomfort & it does take all your will to see it through. I too am glad I could offer that start to my kids, but I don’t judge. Mother’s choose what they think is best for their kids. If formula is your choice, make it & stand by it proud! Your job is to be the best mother you can be, & if that means getting more sleep & sharing the feeding role with your partner by bottle feeding (whether that is expressed milk or formula) do it, and know that you are doing a good job. Getting the best out of yourself, is giving the best to your child.
Thanks for your honesty in sharing your experience. I have no children yet, but am insistent on reading up on things that I’ll “someday need”. 🙂 Your story has some teeth (no pun intended) to it, but I think it’s exactly what I needed to read. Not scary – beautiful!
What a fantastic post! I think a lot of new moms think motherhood is going to be all roses and you will never have problems because nobody ever talks about the parts that suck. It’s hard and frustrating and did I mention hard:) I had an awful breastfeeding experience with my daughter and experienced a lot of the same feelings you did. Finally my husband told me I had to do something because it was seriously impacting my personality and our marriage. I ended up exclusively pumping 6 weeks after giving birth and continued until my daughter was 5 months. It was the best thing I could have ever done and my baby is super healthy even now at 19 months. I think the bottom line is that you need to do what works for you and everything will be fine. Your post was heartfelt and real and I’m sure will help a lot of people!!
my daughter is almost 13 months and still nursing twice daily (morning and night)…she even signs for milk now, which is totally adorable. i feel the pain that you went through! the funny thing is that everyone tells you their labour (CDN spelling ;)) story, but no one really warns you about breastfeeding! My midwife put it perfectly when she said “With labour, you know there’s going to be an end to the pain. But lots of women get frustrated with breastfeeding because you don’t know when the pain is going to end”. TRUE DAT. WORD TO YOUR MOMS.
I had a similar experience to Katie, and I had various kinds of pain. The first few weeks involved mild cramping too, but the rest of the time it was searing nipple pain when he sucked, sharp/needle-like pain from cracked/bleeding nipples, a deeper pain/ache that went through my breast and into my arm whenever he’d nurse, extreme tenderness in my nipples and breasts when I wasn’t nursing, etc.
Amen! I had a very similar experience…the nursing, the emotions, etc.. My husband kept telling me to stop doing this to myself as he watched me suffer and just give our son formula but I didn’t give up and made it to my goal of 6 months. I was sad it was over but also relieved because even at that time of 6 months things were not smooth sailing. Over active letdown was our issue. I’m pregnant with my second and will again breastfeed. The benefits out way my discomfort for 6 months…it’s for my child, I will do anything for my child.
yup. yes, yes, and yes to all of it. The best thing I found out was that the medela nipple cream (can’t remember what it was called) was WAY better than the purple tube…what was that called? ANYway, the purple tube stuff was HORRIBLE to try and apply to cracked, scabbed, bleeding, nipples. And yes, I saw the lactation consultant a bazillion times and I theoretically was doing it right too.
Katie – you are SO right and I wish I would have known this before hand. I’m glad to be experienced with this next baby coming!! I’m hoping I’m already desensitized…right?!?!?!
That made me all teary eyed! I had a similar experience with cracked/bleeding nipples for 11+ weeks. Thankfully we turned a corner around three months and nursing has been great since then. Thinking about her weaning (I plan to let her decide when to stop after a year) makes me sad, but hopefully I will have another child to nurse at some point!
Katie, this story is similar to my very own. The beginning for us was beautiful…perfect….and then my milk came in and something changed with his latch and I ended up raw and cried everytime he cried that he was hungry. My doctor took one look and said I needed to heal – I had to pump. In a way, it was like a relief…somebody was giving me permission to step back for a bit (because Lord knows I couldn’t give myself permission!). But, I was so determined that we’d get back to breastfeeding, no matter what it took. Around 7 weeks, we turned a corner (but I had yet to actually ENJOY nursing him) and then around 4 months, I started to feel the bond. This post came at such a bittersweet time. After ALL THAT, I am proud to say my son turned 1 last week and he still nurses 1x/day. We reached “our” goal of one year!! Now, the weaning will begin…and believe me when I say that boy LOOOOVES his AM feeding. I remember thinking I couldn’t do it for 12 WEEKS, let alone 12 months. It’s amazing what determination will do for a mama, isn’t it? I’m proud of you, Katie! Thanks for sharing!!
Oh, Katie, this may be one of my favorite posts ever…
I felt like I was reading my own story. Started with the c-section, and the pain that came a few days later. OH, the pain! It felt like knives stabbing their way out of my nipples with each and every feeding. I remember the tears streaming down my face with every feeding, and the curling my toes, stomping, gritting my teeth, etc. as he ate. Horror, it was. I dreaded the feedings, and then felt horrible mom guilt for dreading the feedings. I desperately researched, went to lactation consultants, etc. looking for answers and help on days when it was a challenge just to find time to put on a clean pair of underwear. And the pumping! That is like the worst punishment for women going through this- having to wash all of those parts every two hours! But like you, the magic of the six week mark hit and one day I had a feeding and realized that it didn’t hurt that bad. Slowly but surely it got better, and here we are. He is 7.5 months old and I LOVE the time I have with him while breastfeeding. It already makes me sad to think about the day that my baby isn’t such a baby anymore and moves on from breastfeeding.
Anyway, THANKS for sharing and I am praying that you have a MUCH better experience with the next Baby Bower!
And this is a long comment already, but I have to share this:
“Wean Me Gently”
by Cathy Cardall
I know I look so big to you,
Maybe I seem too big for the needs I have.
But no matter how big we get,
We still have needs that are important to us.
I know that our relationship is growing and changing,
But I still need you. I need your warmth and closeness,
Especially at the end of the day
When we snuggle up in bed.
Please don’t get too busy for us to nurse.
I know you think I can be patient,
Or find something to take the place of a nursing;
A book, a glass of something,
But nothing can take your place when I need you.
Sometimes just cuddling with you,
Having you near me is enough.
I guess I am growing and becoming independent,
But please be there.
This bond we have is so strong and so important to me,
Please don’t break it abruptly.
Wean me gently,
Because I am your mother,
And my heart is tender.
Number two was a lot easier for me –hopefully it will be for you too! I had a similar experience with my first (except the horrendous pain and bloody, cracked nipples only lasted about 3 weeks). With my second, not a single ounce of pain, and I’ve heard that is pretty common.
I love, love, love that you’ve shared this. And I love that you stuck it out for him, and girl, I give you major kudos for dealing with what you did and being so open and honest. But I kind of wish you related the negative more to your specific experience and not to breastfeeding in general. I’m a walking, talking freak of nature that never felt the c-section pain and have a painless nursing experience ( 14 months so far). I don’t say that to brag or to lessen your struggle (because I know it was well and truly a struggle and you gave of yourself so, so much) I say it because new moms can be a scared bunch and I want people to know it can happen with less bumps. It can suck (punny?) but it can be awesome, too and is SO beneficial to baby and mom. I’d hate to see a mom to be be scared away from the experience by thinking it will more than likely be horrifying, because while that is possible it isn’t the majority. And I sprinkle lots of magic boob pixie dust your way that baby #2 takes it easier on you <3. I sincerely hope I didn't offend you with my words because I do respect and love you so much for talking about your experience and being real.
Thanks for this post! I, too, was shocked at how incredibly difficult breastfeeding was when I had my daughter. My problem was getting her to latch and just to go along with the breastfeeding. In the hospital just after she was born the nurses and lactation consultants kept reassuring me that everything looked right, but I really felt like it wasn’t working, like she wasn’t actually getting anything. In the first week after she was born, she kept losing weight and we were so freaked out but we didn’t want to give her a bottle because everything I read said that once they have a bottle/pacifier/etc they won’t take the breast. (finally we gave her a bottle so that she had something to eat!) I so badly wanted to nurse, but she so badly just wanted to get away when I tried to nurse her. We saw multiple lactation consultants and La Leche league members, we tried different nipple shields–I tried everything! For the first two months, I tried to nurse her at each feeding, only to have it go nowhere, then pump and feed it to her in a bottle. Finally, I decided that it was making us both miserable and it had to end. For the next six months, I pumped every few hours and fed her breastmilk from a bottle, and it ended up being the best decision I could have made. It was a huge bonus that my husband could take on some of the nighttime feedings, too. I was happy and she was happy. I was proud of the fact that we made it work and that in her first 7 months of life she drank purely breastmilk except for 2 formula feedings in her first week (not that I have anything against moms who feed formula!). I think that every mom-baby needs to figure out what works for them and go with it, even if it’s not what all of the books tell you. Thanks for sharing your story and giving us readers a chance to share ours!
Beautifully written, Katie! I enjoy your blog so much, both the everyday humor and the more serious topics. I haven’t had children yet but I come from a family where breastfeeding is expected. There is judgment if you do not breastfeed and most of the women in my family make it seem oh-so-easy. It was helpful for me to hear your story so I have a better perspective of different experiences. I wish you all the best with Baby Bower 2, including an easier breastfeeding journey.
I feel your pain. It does hurt, but for me it was a good hurt. Like the kind you have two days after lifting weights (at least I think I haven’t worked out for awhile:) Madelin is almost two now, and we’re still going strong. Now I’m to the point of funny looks and rude comments. Luckily, I’m ready to let go…she isn’t. I was also able to cut her down to just one bedtime feeding, but I just can’t seem to get her to move on. Sippy cups just don’t do it for her I guess.
This was great, Katie! I love that you are so open, and I wish that more people would be. I gave birth to my son in November and NOBODY adequately prepared me for the horror that was the first month or so of breastfeeding. My mom breastfed me and my brother and sister, and she told me it would be tough, but she never told me how much it would seriously suck. Everyone says, “Just get through the first two weeks and then you’ll be OK,” but for us it was get through the first two weeks, then the next two, then the two after that …
We’re on the other side now at 5 months of successful breastfeeding and I am SO happy that I stuck with it, but good God there were times when I wanted to give up. My son had a bad latch at first and it just kept getting worse and worse. I called my friend who was breastfeeding her second at the time. She’s a nurse in the maternity ward and she told me about all-purpose nipple cream that I needed to get a prescription for and could only get from some hippie pharmacy by my house, but that stuff worked in 10 hours to clear up the searing pain I had been having for a week. It was amazing (even though I found out later it contains some questionable ingredients, like a steroid cream?), and I would suggest every mother who plans to breastfeed has some on hand!
Congrats on getting to a year with Will. I hope everything goes a little more smoothly for you with #2!
That was beautiful! I’m so glad you shared this. You did an amazing job through a difficult time and your son is an amazing little man. So many women (and men) have blinkers on and don’t realise the difficulties of breastfeeding. I never got to breastfeed. My boys were born early and couldn’t latch on. I started pumping for them, and I managed to continue until my twin boys were 3 months. Mastitis, blocked ducts and zero sleep dropped my milk supply and I willingly and reluctantly started giving them formula. Prior to the birth, I was like you; I looked at formula feeding mom’s and thought they were horrible parents that obviously didn’t care enough for their children!! Then I found out I was formula fed from 2 months… Hmm, I turned out alright!!!
Your future baby (hello baby!) will be a whiz at breastfeeding! I’m sure of it! 🙂 And if they’re not? Well, you know exactly what you’re capable of now. You’re amazing!!
I can’t believe it, this was my experience exactly! How right you are, woman!! I’ve spent four years of my life nursing children and am about to do it a fifth time. The first baby it was two months before I thought I might live through the experience, but with the three subsequent children, it only lasted two weeks! You can do this!
With my first child it was easy and I never had pain – with my second I had pain, thrush, and I was rather confused because it had been so easy the first time. Thank you for sharing – because none of the books or medical people really explain it quite right. It was a beautiful time with my babies and I will never regret the effort it took (at least with my 2nd) to make it happen.
Good to know! I hadn’t heard the difference in the vaginal vs c-section baby part of it. Makes sense when you think about it though . . .
While breastfeeding does transfer antibodies to your baby, this is only temporary. Breastfeeding doesn’t guarantee your child will be extra healthy just as not breastfeeding doesn’t equal a sick baby. This post terrified me and I would definitely not breastfeed if it caused that much pain and depression/emotional angst.
Katie,
You are brave for being so honest about breastfeeding. Just like you I did 38hrs. of labor that ended in a c-section. I didn’t get to see my daughter for 2 hours afterwards because the crazy drugs they gave me and breastfeeding was a nightmare from the very first latch. She ended up having acid reflux (finally diagnosed at 5 months old) which was why she cried, pulled, and wanted to nurse every 45 minutes. I threw in the towel after 7+ months of extreme pain. On a bright note: our second baby is an awesome nurser!!! I won’t lie, it hurt for the first 5 weeks, but after that it has been smooth sailing. Sometimes I even forget that he is eating! So pray hard and stick it out with this next baby…it CAN be better…and dare I say…enjoyable! 🙂
I had the EXACT SAME experience as you Katie. Reading this post is like reliving the first year of my son’s life. He is six months younger than Will and when the pain was horrible I kept telling myself “Be strong like Katie.”
You described my exact experience!! The first few weeks of breastfeeding were a nightmare and it was even worse that everything I read said it should only feel “slightly uncomfortable” for the first 30 seconds or so. It was insanely painful the whole time so I was constantly paranoid I was doing something wrong even though multiple lactation consultants said the latch was right. My son wanted to eat every hour and I would cry when he started crying to eat again and then I would cry through the whole feeding because it hurt so bad. It didn’t help that he was insanely fussy for the first month and sometimes would only sleep 15 minutes in an entire day and then was still up every hour to two at night. Now he’s 8 months old and things are a thousand times better in every area. He sleeps well, is happy and playful, and breastfeeds much better. The only issue now is the teeth! He keeps biting me and if I tell him “No” firmly he starts bawling! Must be a sensitive boy! Any tips on how to stop the biting? Thanks for sharing your experience. I wish I could have read this when my baby was a newborn because I felt so lost and alone. It seemed like all my friends had perfect angel babies and I thought I had mistakenly been given a little monster. I’m sure your experience will help a lot of other new mamas out there!
I LOVE you for this!
Thanks so much for sharing!
I had similar problems. My first was in the nicu for 4 days after birth from complications. I didn’t even get to try to nurse until the 3rd day. I had to pump in the hospital until she started to nurse. My daughter nursed less than I had pumped, so when we went home I had major engorgement issues (Anna Nicole had nothing on me). On top of that I had a breast infection, blisters, bleeding, peeling, you name it. It took 10 weeks for the pain to get better/duller. I didn’t feel “comfortable” until she was around 6months. I cried all the time, especially at night. I didn’t feel that bond start to form for months. That being said. I would do it all over again. I nursed my daughter for 15months. She mostly self weened. I got pregnant with my second when she was 9months (oops) and my supply dropped. She wasn’t a big comfort nurser anyway either.
I had my second baby at home. He nursed right from the start. He didn’t do it the was any of the books said that babies should, but it worked. I had a little pain for about a week with the latch. My letdown hurt the worst, it is still uncomfortable and he is approaching 18months.
I wish someone had told me that nursing was a skill that must be learned by, at least, TWO people and constantly adjusted. It is and ever evolving as the baby grows and changes. There are challenges throughout the journey, but it is worth it. I am so glad I stuck it out and I am so proud of you for pushing through all the problems (I give you a big mental high five).
I’m down to that one feed a day with my one year old (well, one year and 6 days…). We had the pain for the first month. We had the every two hours for months and months, all night, all day. We had the colic for 5, yes 5, months. I remember being asked about the bonding experience and thinking “I have no idea what you are talking about, I’m just a food source to this crying, grabbing, eating machine.”
Here we are at one year, with a baby who smiles all the time, goes to sleep without much hassle, drinks his cow milk from bottle or cup, and says mama. He still has never looked me in the eye while nursing though. And I’m scared to death to stop. Its the only time he lets me hold him for more than a few seconds, the only time I can stroke his hair, or sing quietly and know he will sit still for it. I keep saying soon I’ll stop. But I’d prefer soon didn’t arrive.
Ironically I came to check your blog and this was the post……as I was breastfeeding my 9 week old baby! LOL.
I breastfed my first child (my son) for 13 months. It did hurt at first. Like, a lot. And it wasn’t “natural” like people said it would be. It was work. Hard work. I cried every day for 2 weeks, sure he was starving to death. He wasn’t. He was just an extremely effective nurser. They told me he had to nurse for 10-15 min PER side- he only nursed for 8 minutes, tops. And only on one side. If you tried to switch him he was done. He was all business. But, it was all he needed. He was just a daggone good nurser. I was lucky. When he was about 2 months old I saw the light at the end of the tunnel and the pain subsided. Suddenly, nursing was EASY. And natural. Who knew?!
This time around? COMPLETELY different experience. My daughter had a very serious case of jaundice shortly after birth. We had a traumatic birth (she was 9 pounds, sunny side up and in distress) that resulted in a vacuum extraction that left her with a severe hematoma. In addition, we had a blood incompatibility issue and to top it all off-breastmilk jaundice. Apparently, these three issues are the jaundice trifecta. Her jaundice was so bad they began talking about blood transfusions. Scary stuff. Everyone discouraged me from breastfeeding her. I was shocked that medical professionals kept pushing formula. At first they used scare tactics and I fell for them and let them give her some formula mixed with pumped breastmilk. I regret it now but it’s water under the bridge. It made it nearly impossible to get her to latch. She would fuss at the breast for an HOUR straight. Then give up, look at me as if to say “fine, I’ll freaking do it” and nurse perfectly. Perfectly for her, that is. She’s effective at getting a ton of milk but apparently has a shallow latch resulting in searing pain for me. I’d love to say it’s gotten way better, but it hasn’t. I’m in pain at every feeding. Yes, it’s better than it was, but not nearly like it should be. I always say that had she been my first there’s no way I’d have ever breast fed her or any subsequent babies. But, I firmly believe in breastfeeding. I think it’s a sacrifice, but one with such unmeasurable benefits. I plan on nursing her until 15 months. I’d probably go longer but my husband will start really throwing a fit around one year! LOL.
Anyways, I thoroughly enjoyed this post. I specifically loved the part about your baby being like an arranged marriage and studying them while breastfeeding ,makes you fall more and more in love. It’s a strange description, but somehow it’s totally perfect. And your right, it is a lesson in devotion. I love that whole paragraph- bravo!
I’m so happy that you’re pregnant. You and your family have been in my thoughts and prayers and watching your announcement video made me tear up. I’m a lurker and have only commented once before but just wanted to tell you how much I love your blog! And, of course, that each baby is so, so, so different. Odds are you’ll have an easier experience with breastfeeding this time around. Good for you for sticking it out with Will, I know first hand how difficult it is! Best of luck the second time around 🙂
Hey Katie, God is so good. This post came just at a perfect time for me. I have just weaned my 4th child and we believe he will be our last baby and it has been bittersweet. Its great to have my breast and body back but sort of sad that I may never feel little flutters in my belly from a growing child, or feel the soft suckle of a newborn at the breast. I breastfed all of my children. My first for 6 weeks, my second for 6 months my 3rd for 18 months and my fourth for 1 year and 2 weeks. We slowly weaned and I cried during the last feeding which was the night he started walking and we knew that it was his last time. I still get sad when I see how easy it has been for him to transition and while I am still dealing with engorged and very tender breast but I wouldn’t take the time back for the world. All babies are different and they each have their own “breast personalities” but its still a great experience. One suggestion that I will give you is this Dr.Sears has a great breastfeeding book called The Breastfeeding Book, it has all the info you need, for a colicky baby you need two things myclicon drops a lot of it has to do with gas and a baby sling…trust me it works wonders. Also if you begin to put lanolin on your breast during your 3rd trimester it helps to “toughen” your breast for the constant feedings, once you begin to breastfeed as soon as the baby is done feeding take some of that same milk and moisten your nipples, you will never get cracked raw nipples. If you get cramps when you breastfeed during the first few weeks a heat pad at a med setting works wonders. Hope this helps sorry for the long post. The first few weeks is tough but I also think your body is going through so much plus the lack of sleep that it can make anything seem tough. Our breast are made to feed our babies once you remember that and are confident it what your body was meant to do you won’t be so hard on yourself. If you feed for a little bit but the baby if fussy and your milk hasn’t come in yet give him/her some formula not enough to make him/her full but enough to give yourself sometime to get it together….mentally and physically. Also the ladies from LLL (La Leche League) are amazing I never actually made it to any of their meetings but they are a wealth of information and they will give you great advice and help a ton over the phone.
Good luck and God Bless
sorry this is so long.
Thank you Thank you Thank you
My experience was soooo similar to yours. I thought breastfeeding would be a relaxed and beautiful experience….in reality i cried, my beautiful daughter cried and my husband, well he didnt understand why i didnt bottle feed. I felt i was fighting everyone. My baby didnt want to feed from me, my husband didnt want to see both of us cry and no one else seemed to understand my deep routed ‘need’ to have to feed her myself. I lasted 6 weeks, i dont remember much of the first few weeks with her, i was a heart broken women, i cried. and cried. and cried. I was told i was doing everything right, we had visits from lacation consultants, and yet it hurt like hell. During pregnancy i wasnt that bothered about feeding her, id said openly i will try but if i cant manage its not the end of the world. But it was to me. I expressed milk for a further 3 weeks, and we gave her formula for one bedtime feed. During this time, i felt i started to get to ‘know’ my baby, we bonded then, not while we were fighting to get her to my breast, i would have to swaddle her, she hated it.
Shes 4 months old tomorrow, the day of her Christening 🙂 I feel in a batter place now to deal with the normal daily task of being a mother, nappies, wind, play instead of constant pain. I also feel bad for judging other mothers who have given up, but i also envy mothers who can do it and dont want to. When we are ready for baba no2 i will try again. Its like an abusive relationship, i kept going back and i kept telling myslef it would get better….hopefully it will next time.
Good luck to any ladies out there wanting to feed their babies, it is the best for your baby, no formula is as good as your milk, otherwise it would be the only instance where evolution took a step backwards.
That poem is beautiful!
I had the same problem 30 years ago and again with my second. My nipples got so raw and bloody, I was afraid they would fall off. Fortunately someone told me about these breast shields. They are supposedly for women with inverted nipples (which I definitely don’t have), but they worked wonderfully. If I had used them from the start, I wouldn’ t have had any pain. The pain was so much better after the first day and completely gone once my nipples healed from the initial trauma. Please give them a try next time around. I found ones similar to what I used on target online: http://www.target.com/p/Medela-Soft-Shells-for-Inverted-Nipples/-/A-561213 (I hope that link doesn’t send me to the spam folder!)
I didn’t have to use them the entire time I breastfed, can’t remember how long, maybe 2 months? But I did have to use them with both babies.
I had a similar kind of pain for the first 2 months of nursing my first. Then the traveling nurse that came to visit suggested that I might have yeast infections in my nipples. The Dr. prescribed me an antifungal pill and it was night and day!! Hope you have a much easier time this time around. :o)
Night nursing was the last thing I weaned too – albeit mine was 15 months and not 2. He slept good and I was scared dropping the nursing would mess that up. So I literally times it and would cut down his nursing time by 2 mins every 2-3 days. He was a slow nurser, so he nursed 25-30 mins a time. I always nursed him at bedtime in the rocking chair in his room and then put him straight down, so I continued that and slowly weaned him. It was a slow transition since I was reducing his feeding time by 2 min increments every few days. I didn’t think cold turkey was the way to go for the nighttime feeding. He handled the slow process great. And by the time we were done, I had replaced the nursing with just rocking and that is something we still do every night at bedtime and he’s almost 3.
All I can say is thank you, thank you, thank you as I sit sobbing. I wish I would have read this 4 months ago before I delivered my baby. I had no idea. I was so naive and just thought it would come easy….I was convinced my supply was lacking but after reading this I doubt this now. My little girl sounds like a clone of Wil and I thought for sure she was scratching and thrashing about because she wasn’t getting enough – I thought she was ticked off. That with slow weight gain convinced me I needed to supplement and the more I did that the less she wanted from me. I grieved the loss. Oh how I wish all of those books would be honest with how hard it is and stop trying to make it seem like it’s the most natural thing in the world. Just tell women how hard it’s going to be so they can prepare for the worst and if they end up having an easy time with it they will be pleasantly surprised but for those that don’t, at least they know they are not alone. The first couple months were also the darkest of my life and I never wish to revisit them. At least I know for my next child, God willing, that it will be a complete struggle but that I can endure and get through it and that it does get easier and less painful and I just have to get through a few months of misery and to be completely prepared for that misery. If he/she turms out to be a great nurser than I will count myself lucky!!
I wish we had been able to breastfeed. My baby had horrible reflux. The kind that shoots milk across the room and results in 10 loads of laundry a day. The kind that lands you in the hospital at a month old because she’s below birth weight. The kind that results in no sleep for anyone because she screamed 15 hours a day.
I made thin milk and she had some challenges on top of reflux. She couldn’t nurse. No matter what we tried she couldn’t get the milk out. And no matter how often I pumped, I never made enough milk for her. When I tried to give her breast milk in a bottle, she would have the milk shooting across the room again. At 3 months we finally stopped. We switched completely to the specialty formula and the meds were finally working.
I like your comment about judging women who don’t breastfeed. You never know their back story. You never know why they chose not to do it. I remember feeling the same way before it was my baby. I desperately wanted to do it for a year and I still have some days where I feel incredibly guilty for not being able to do it. It wasn’t her fault or mine, it just wasn’t God’s plan. So don’t judge the girl in the formula aisle. She may not be nearly as selfish as you think she is.
The difficulty of the first six weeks is DEFINITELY underestimated by most “professionals”! My mom told me ahead of time to remember that each baby is different, each pregnancy and birth is different and each breastfeeding experience is different. Knowing that can help get through. My first child was SO hard, similar to yours. The second was much easier, but still required some work to learn what to do with him. My boobs hurt a lot less, though, since they had already been through the experience once. I hope your second time is tons smoother, too!
Oh man, I am sorry your experience was so painful at first. I nursed my two girls and it was so easy, so sweet, so bonding. I cried when we stopped. I made it a little over a year both times. It can be remarkably easy; I hope your next child is a better experience.
Nursing is so hard. SO HARD. I have a 5 month old and two weeks after he was born I got severe mastitis and was hospitalized for three days. The ER doctor said it was the worst case he had ever seen. Like you, I felt bad for judging other moms who had quit nursing in the past. But I TOTALLY understood why they did. ITS HARD. But I was determined to press on and I’m so happy to say that we have things all figured out and nursing is actually enjoyable now. I never thought that was possible. Thank you for sharing your journey. I think more women need to hear and know that it’s often not this blissful, perfect thing. Not at first anyway.
Thank you for this post. You pretty much summed up my experiences. I just wish I would have talked to someone who gave me the same advice (and honesty) as your sister did for you. I also made it a whole year by shear determination. I hope it goes smoother from the get-go for your next baby.
That was beautiful! Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for sharing this for other moms. I had a wretched experience breastfeeding my now 7 month old baby. Prior to having him I never considered any alternative other than breastfeeding. I did not take any classes. I didn’t do much reading, and I was STUNNED at how much it hurt and how awkward it was. “What do you MEAN I have to squish my boob up like a pancake while trying to hold my newborn?” It DOES make you insane. You feel like you have a ticking stopwatch on you during those breaks. I also cried a lot between feedings. I started making too much milk. I had the top of the line pump, and it wouldn’t touch the milk build up. Lactation consultants suggested I cut “X” out of my diet, then “Y”, until I was barely eating. I was starting to wake up the baby because I was too full int he middle of the night. I saw every doctor in my practice 2 or 3 times. I called constantly with plugged ducts and then the mastitis started. I had recurrent mastitis 5 times before I called it quits. I felt like I was failing at motherhood. Baby is formula feeding now well, and it was the best decision we ever made. I started to enjoy being a mom and enjoy my lovely, healthy, sweet tempered baby. Thank you for sharing your story. It’s so important for others to know they aren’t alone.
Yes!! It was a horrible start for me, too. Add to it the doctors telling me she had lost too much weight or not gained enough early on and that I HAD to supplement with formula. I was a crying, cringing, guilt-ridden, raw-nippled mess! We saw one lactation consultant after another to make sure we were doing things right. We even saw a cranio-sacral therapist to see if they could help. At some point several weeks in when the pain had just gotten worse and worse and I was having a nervous breakdown every time our daughter needed to eat again, my husband told me point-blank, “I’m going to the store to buy a breast pump and we are giving you a break.” I pumped exclusively, and the baby took a bottle exclusively for one whole week. I healed, we tried again, and it wasn’t too late. And, hallelujah, it eventually stopped hurting! Nursing was never the blissfully perfect experience I expected, but it did get easier. I nursed my son, too, and it was definitely less traumatic than the first go-round, but it wasn’t completely pain- and stress-free. I nursed both of my kids for a little over a year and was ready to be finished both times. I’m glad I did it, but sometimes I dream about having one more child just so I could bottle feed them and see if I bond with them more quickly without the pain getting in the way! 🙂
p.s. Whoever said the pain is a “good hurt” like after working out at the gym, this is NOT the pain we are talking about. This is literally the pain of someone gnawing on an open wound on an already really sensitive part of your body. Searing, throbbing, agony.
Ella and Tracy, I had the same experience and I thank you for sharing yours! This is still so upsetting to talk about. After several weeks of unsuccessfully trying to breastfeed my daughter (yep, I took fenugreek and drank Guiness and everything!), I still wasn’t producing so much as a drop of milk so we switched over to formula. Suddenly, mealtime became tranquil and beautiful, instead of a battle with my tiny baby. My daughter and I finally experienced the “bonding” that I had expected from breastfeeding. For a while I felt like a tremendous failure – my daughter’s latch was perfect, so she was doing her part; all of our problems with nursing were entirely on me. After the fact, my doctor diagnosed me with mammary hypoplasia, which means that my breasts simply don’t contain the tissues that produce milk. Lack of breast growth during pregnancy and lack of engorgement after delivery are two of the major symptoms for this condition.
And Tracy, your LC was a jerk. You did all that you could for your baby, and found the solution that worked best for your family. I honor your willingness to share your story and to reconsider your views on women who don’t breastfeed, for whatever reason!
Hi Katie! I have been reading your blog for quite some time now, and your post about breastfeeding was very timely for me. I am due with my first child in July, and I hope to breastfeed exclusively while I am on maternity leave, and then pump when I go back to work. I have been listening to some very insightful podcasts and just yesterday, after reading your blog post, I listened to Dr. Jack Newman discuss his beliefs on breastfeeding. And don’t let the fact that he’s a man make you roll your eyes (like I did when he first started talking). His website is very educational, and even though I had doubts about my ability to breastfeed my baby, his advice and the information provided on his website gives me hope and encourages me that it can be done, and without a lot of pain too! I hope you check it out, and share it with your readers. (www.drjacknewman.com)
My first year with my son sounds so much like yours. It was horrendously painful, constant and I never slept. I really felt as though I was loosing my mind and that nobody could understand it. At about three weeks in, I had a visit with a lovely lactation consultant, her advice helped enough to keep me going but it was never easy. After our session she told my husband that my nipples were in the worst state she’d ever seen! He didn’t tell me that for another month. I could never understand how other moms could breastfeed one-handed or while walking around. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that second time around it was a totally different story. I can honestly say that breast feeding WAS EASY and the minor discomfort I experienced was no where near as bad as a wedgie 🙂 I even breast-fed one handed, while walking around eating a sandwich at the zoo! XO
I’m a freak too that had an intense UNPLANNED natural childbirth (when the epidural wore off during transition and I requested the head of the anesthesiologist on a platter) followed by a painless transition to nursing. The only time it hurt was when I got a yeast infection after being on antibiotics but that cleared up pretty quickly. I took a tube of lanolin to the hospital with me and put it on every time she nursed even though I had no pain, not sure if that made a difference or not. What I wasn’t prepared for was the soul crushing depression that hit about 4 days after the baby was born where all I could do was cry and blubber and didn’t know what was happening. I was told there would be a few days of “baby blues” but I seriously wanted to die. The doctor told me to stick it out to the two week mark before he’d give me any anti depression meds and honestly, I didn’t know whether I could make it. I was taking the after baby pain meds, not because I was in pain, but because they made me feel ok for 4 hours at a time (hello opiate abuse…) but at the two week mark things started looking up. It was by far the darkest time in my life and one that will make me seriously think twice. Before having another baby.
I am in school to be a nurse right now and I actually just finished learning about immunity and what is happening in the cells as immunity is being achieved. It is a common misconception that breast feeding gives your baby immunity to everything you have ever been immune to and that they keep it throughout their lifetime. Breast feeding only gives your baby antibodies for a short period of time. If you gave them immunity to everything you have had and they keep that immunity forever, there would be no need for vaccines and no one would ever be sick. Your son does not still have the antibodies that you gave him while you were breast feeding him. The human body needs to make its own antibodies for long-term immunity. You protected him by passing your immunity through breast milk but it does not continue once you stop breast feeding. It would be awesome if it did though!
Ella, wow, I never knew there was a condition! I didn’t get bigger at all during my pregnancy! I wonder if I have the same thing, or maybe something similar? I did produce milk, but just not much at all.
Yeah, it still hurts to talk about the things that were said to me during that really difficult time. I still think breastfeeding is a wonderful thing. But I also don’t believe it’s the miracle elixir that people make it out to be. And nothing can fire me up faster than formula-bashing, and feeding judgement.
I just want all these mommies out there to know that a baby with a happy momma is more important than the food they eat. Thanks for sharing your story too!
ahhhhhhhhh i could have written this myself! i swear, it sounds almost identical to my experience with my son. i agree with some others though, get yourself a SHIELD for the next one! works wonders and my bf-ing pain free. i used it for about a month or two, then got rid of that and was fine. i made it a year with my son. im a working mom, so that means a year of pumping and nursing. so completely worth every struggle to make it to a year. my son is 19 mths and has never been sick. =)
im so nervous as to how it will go the next time around….but after reading your post, i think no matter what, i’ll do everything i can to make it a year with #2 as well. =)
love your blog. love your stories. xo.
Reading this was like you were inside my head! My now three year old and I had a very similar experience. I was in horrid pain for the first 12 weeks. I would cry every time he latched on…sometimes just scream. I had cramps in my toes all the time from the clenching I would do while he nursed. I got blocked ducts, blanched cracked nipples. I was a mess! Like you I was determined to do this for at least the first year. I stuck through it and stopped nursing when he weaned around 14 months. I now have a almost 5 month old and thought I would be prepared for anything after what happened the first time. Let me tell you I was wrong! Instead my baby would not latch, he screamed for food and just would not nurse. I spent the first month using nipple guards, syringe feeding and even had to use formula. I cried all the time but not because I was in pain but for the fact that my baby wanted nothing to do with the boob. I must admit I wished for the pain because at least my baby would have been happy. With lots of work we are new again. He is a nursing champ now! Both mom and baby are happy too!
Thank you for sharing your story!
Woh-man. Peeps really like to talk about their boobs.
I’m going on nine and a half months of nursing my baby girl and aside from the (indescribable) pain at the beginning, I’d also like to add it takes a LOT of unselfish ufspa to keep up with the pumping if you’re a working mom. I’ve pumped at least twice a day, every day for at least 275 days. I have a relationship with my Medela. We’ve been through two cords, six breast shields and at least 550 bags of milk. If that aint dedication I don’t know what is.
Also, to help heal nipples, rub your own milk on them. Liquid gold I tell ya.
I’ll second “Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child”! That book saved my life. We had nursing issues (I was basically drowning her with crazy letdown, which would cause “forceful” vomiting – I was told it has to go over 5 feet in distance to be “projectile” vomiting…), but they were nothing to the sleep issues. My child never slept, only dozed in my arms (and not in a sling or any other carrier – they all caused screaming), and she woke screaming if she was EVER put down. Using the tactics from that book, we got her on a sleep/eat/play cycle that worked. She still screamed every single time you put her down, and would scream until the second she fell asleep… but she woke up happy and smiling every time. (I can’t tell you how many people were shocked by the AAAAAAAAAA–silence.)
Katie … so sorry that your experience was so difficult! Following my C-section, I did experience pain and raw and bleeding nipples for about two weeks while feeding. Once I settled myself down and properly positioned my son, things really seemed to improve. Following 3 more C-sections and nursing experiences, I can truly say that each one was a beautiful bonding time with each of my boys!!! After my intitial experience, I had no pain whatsover in feeding. I pray that your next breast-feeding experience will be as wonderful and fulfilling as mine were! (BTW, the La Leche League is a real support for moms who need help!)
wow!!! great job getting to 1 year! I nursed my daughter for 2 yrs 5 months!!! she still asks for it sometimes…. she is 3 yrs 2 months. yeah…… I know….
the good news is nursing a 2nd baby is supposed to be waaay easier. I will say a prayer for you and baby #2.
I LOVE your honesty! Breastfeeding my son hurt worse than labor pains! I used to cry and sing and pray to try to get through a feeding. I’m glad someone else is talking about how painful it is.
Aww good for you! I hope it is much much better this time around 🙂
Sweet poem.
Hi, I am not sure if this is common practice in the USA, but back where I grew up (Bolivia) I’ve heard that many expecting moms will “brush” their nipples with a toothbrush to prepare the delicate skin to what is too come.
Haven’t had the opportunity to try it yet. So, sorry for not having a first hand experience as to whether or not it actually works.
I do hope, this time it’ll be a lot easier for you.
So happy for you, your boyfriend and Will who I am sure will be excited to teach his little sibling how to say grace at mealtimes, all about hardscaping, and so many other things.
I understand what you mean but this actually motivated me and I hope it does the same for others. My son just turned two months yesterday and this upcoming Monday will mark his second week on formula. I gave up last week after what was sometimes the most horrible experience ever. Reading this just motivated me to get back on my horse and get through this. I have had good days so I know I can get through this.
This post made my heart so sad. While the first few weeks home with your baby are hard no matter how you are feeding, but they should bring a lot of joy as well. I feel bad that you did not get that experience!
Also, as the mother of a happy, healthy formula-fed son who is loved more than life itself, I appreciated your comments about judging other women. We all need to encourage one another to recognize and take action when something that seems good creates negative situation.
I know I don’t know you, but I will be praying for you as you bring your new little one home this fall!
Oh my goodness Katie my heart aches for you! My “baby” is now seven and I was able to breastfeed him for a year and when I became pregnant again it was a no brainer for me. As I read your story I figured you were going to talk about how you chose not to breastfeed any longer because of the pain – but NO! YOU ARE AMAZING! You are unbelievable! I can’t say it enough! Yes no one ever tells you how much it hurts in the beginning but I have never heard of someone who experienced as much pain as you did. The fact that you kept going is so encouraging. I really hope your story reaches out to other women who may be having a hard time. I hope that your strength gives courage to other new moms out there. I pray that this time around you get to enjoy a side lying nurse while that sweet baby gazes into your eyes and maybe even holds on to you too! 🙂
How true! I happen to be a Labor and Delivery nurse, and although I hate to admit it, some of the problem is because of the education that pt’s receive is sugar coated. This causes the vision of a smiling, cooing baby, and an amazing intimate moment to pop up in a lot of first-time mother’s minds when they think of breastfeeding. Without intending to offend any of my fellow nurses/lactation consultants out there, breastfeeding may be “natural” and “beautiful”, but it’s not easy (at first anyway) and it’s almost never pain free (in the beginning anyway) even when it is done 100% “right”. Some natural childbirth videos show how the baby can “crawl” it’s way up to the breast on it’s own…..sure, I’ve yet to see that happen in real life though. The baby is learning, so are you. And not every baby “gets” it right off the bat. But thankfully, every breastfeeding experience is way different than the one before it, so hopefully things go smoother for you this time. But it definitely is a commitment. On a side note, my son, 6 months old, hits and scratches and flings himself around while at the breast sometimes, and I believe this to be a flow issue. My flow is too much for him at times……not to over share or anything.
Thank you, Katie.
Oh my God! This was my exact journey too! I am 2 weeks away from my baby’s 12-month birthday and I am counting the days. COUNTING! THE! DAYS! I had the same insane latch probs and crazy fussy baby (who would only finally latch if I was doubled over, with all my weight on my stitches, forcing her head into me.) Oh yeah, plus 3 rounds of mastitis. Yeah, that was just great. But the part of your post that resonated with me the most was counting down the time ’til the next feeding. I nearly had panic attacks thinking about it. It was horrible. But long story short, I (stubbornly) stuck with it…and finally, FINALLY it did get easier. Never EASY, but easier. Honestly, I just don’t think I will miss it when it ends. Nursing (sadly) has not been a true bonding experience for me. It’s been WORK. THE HARDEST THING EVER!! I’d rather bond with my daughter in other ways. And like you, I will never judge another formula feeder again. I say whatever works for your family is right for you!
PS: I remember screaming to my mom at one point, “I CANNOT BELIEVE WOMEN DO THIS!” I love my mom, but it made me have so much more respect for mothers in general.
I was in a similar boat! My cousin had her baby three months before mine and it all seemed so easy and natural. When I did it, it felt awkward and I wasn’t even sure I was doing it right. I did make sure I did NOT leave the hospital without at least being taught the basics of breastfeeding and being told I was on the right path.
The pain did last for as long as you, probably about 6 weeks, and after that it was a cinch! But I was much more adventurous even though it was painful, I found laying down while feeding helped and being comfortable myself made it easier to hold her in the right position.
My friend had her baby 6 months ago but didn’t last long… she is a pretty strict textbook person so in her head “the books say there should be no pain, I’m in pain, I’m doing it all wrong!” and she was a HUGE breastfeeding advocate too. She did use nipple shields but from what it looked like, that didn’t really teach her how to latch her on properly therefore the pain never subsided. So of course she ended up giving formula here and there and her milk dried up and her baby’s now on formula.
For me, even though it hurt (it’s like creating calluses on your nipples, you nipples sorta get “harder” and used to something suckling on it for so long), all I would think about is, this is the best thing I could ever do for my baby. My baby needs food and this is her food source, me and my boobies, so I’d just do it. I did not ever think of buying a tin of formula, until 6 months when we went through some stressful times and I was stressed out and wasn’t eating right and I guess was not producing enough milk for her. So we started to supplement feed around 5 months.
I’m so glad I have another opportunity to breastfeed, though this will be my last! Hopefully my nipples are still tough as rocks!
You are a warrior! That pain is indescribable but thankfully it eventually goes away. I swear it would feel better if someone had laced binder clips with razor blades then hung off my ninnies every two hours. Same as you, I cried, screamed, gritted my teeth but I was NOT going to quit. After a natural childbirth and not so much as an Ibuprofen afterward, I still say breastfeeding hurt way worse! We’re going on 7 months now and I wouldn’t trade those days of agony for what my baby gets in return. I’m hopeful this next go-round will be bliss after all your hard work with Will. I love your blog; thank you for making me giggle a little bit each day!
Thank you for sharing your journey! Bless you! All I can say is that after nursing 4 kids, every experience is different! Two were amazing, one not so much and one totally traumatic!
Thank you so much for writing this. My daughter is three months and now we have BFing down, it’s going great. But those first three or four weeks were HELL. Like you, I counted down until I knew she would eat again. I would talk myself into pumping instead because it hurt slightly less. When she wasn’t gaining enough weight her first two weeks and the ped said to try supplementing with formula, I only cried long enough about my “failure” to give her a bottle. I was this.close to giving up and switching to formula. But I just kept going and then one day, it just didn’t hurt. I was expecting it and the hurt never came.
Not to say that it’s still a breeze – she’s big on unlatching and I think I have a milk blister (so sexy) but god, I would have LOVED to read this in those first few weeks. I knew that some people have problems but I thought I was really doing it wrong. Nope, it just kind of sucks for a while. So thank you for your honesty – I truly do believe this will help brand new & future mommas who want to BF.
You are a gem! x
I nursed all 4 of mine for a year. My 2nd and 4th wanted to go longer and I had to wean them off. But my first one, oh my. He had colic for 3 months. Everyone acted like I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t. But that was not the problem. When my mother and mil visited they acted like they were going to show me what I was doing wrong. My parents ended up going on twice daily walks to get away from the crying that just wouldn’t stop. You can guess who missed the walk and stayed with the crying baby. I didn’t have a real problem with the nursing but being latched on was the only time he didn’t cry. He would fall asleep after nursing but if I detached him he would start the screaming. He would sleep latched on to me for 2 hours. Every now and then he would nurse for a few seconds. It was all I could do not to scream because having someone latched onto you for hours is pure torture. Not the same as but probably very similar to what you went through. But they are worth it….. when you are in the future and look back!
I experienced that pain with my now 3 year old. It was awful! But it did go away and I nursed him for 15 months. I had another boy when my first one turned 2 and it did not hurt at all! I guess my nipples were still toughened from the first one, but I was thrilled it didn’t hurt like it did the first time. I hope that happens with you too!!
You described me to a T………………… but after 6 weeks the miracle came. No more crying whilst looking at the clock no more digging fingers into couch whilst sobbing …. 6 weeks of a pain worse than labour..
And then for me my wonderful breastfeeding lasted for 3 years………………………
Thanks for candidly sharing your breastfeeding journey, Katie. You are amazing to keep going through all that pain! A real SuperMom! I wasn’t sure how you were going to end this, but I’m so glad that despite your horrific struggle with Will, you’re going to give it a shot with this new baby. I only have the one son, but I hear that each baby nurses differently. I really hope this next one is gentle and is a boob kid!
This is so far down I doubt anyone will ever see it but I just wanted to tell people about another option–cup feeding. When my first daughter was born, neither of us had any idea what we were doing when it came to breast feeding. She was severely jaundiced and so sleepy she couldn’t wake up to eat, plus she was tongue tied and we didn’t know until day 3. Add in the fact that my arms were so tired from labor ( holding my legs to push for 3 hours!) that I could barely lift a pencil, let alone hold a floppy newborn in an awkward position–it was a recipe for disaster. I was exhausted to the point of being unable to talk without crying, because each feeding took nearly an hour, and that was with my husband and mother in law helping me to keep her awake. The baby was losing weight and I was freaking out. Then my awesome lactation consultant came out to my house and showed me how to cup feed. I pumped, we poured a bit of the breast milk into a tiny cup, and held it to my newborn’s lips. She drank it!!! It was the oddest thing to see, but she stayed asleep, and she drank it!! Cup feeding calmed my fears and allowed me to get the precious sleep I needed to be ME again. Drinking the milk from a cup helped clear her jaundice, and after 2 days, I started attempting to nurse again, knowing I had cup feeding as a safety net. My mother in law is a nurse for her state and she does prenatal care for at risk moms–she brought the good news of cup feeding back home and has helped many women who’d like to breast feed but are having many if the same difficulties you faced, Katie. I’m now expecting my fourth–just wanted to pass this great info along!
wow this post brought up so many emotions for me. It has been 2.5 years since I finished breastfeeding and I still can’t talk about it or hear other women’s opinions on this subject without my stress level rising, tears choking my throat, and anger and guilt overwhelming me.
While I wholeheartedly commend and congratulate you for your achievement in the face of a very difficult breastfeeding battle, and I by no means want to take that away from you… you should be very proud of what you achieved, I just wanted to give you my perspective on the flip side of this. I was one of THOSE women who did give up after a difficult breast feeding journey. I had 5 weeks of thrashing screaming baby, indescribable pain, HOURS of trying and failing, nipple shields, severe mastitis (x2), nice lactation consultants, condescending lactation consultants, incessant crying (me and him) and trying not to throw my son across the room. When I had my second bout of mastitis and had to take him off the breast and pump, he wouldn’t go back on again, and so I resolved to pump for the next 6 months or so. Sadly this too failed as my supply diminished and my mental health was suffering almost as badly as with the nursing because I just couldn’t keep up and wasn’t coping with being attached to the pump for so many hours of the day and half the night. By 8 weeks he was fully formula fed and I cried and grieved like a mad woman. BUT looking back this was absolutely the best thing I could have done, for me as I was sliding into an abyss of depression, and for him too. The poor thing was HUNGRY. I still look back and wonder how I could have persevered for so long when he obviously wasn’t getting enough food.
So here’s what upsets me about your post and all the comments… there is this perception that women who try and give up just DIDN’T TRY HARD ENOUGH or worse DIDN’T LOVE THEIR CHILD ENOUGH! This is hurtful. Please do not judge other women on this, you weren’t in their shoes, you don’t know how much or little support they got, how much or little sleep, how bad the pain was, you don’t know how close they were to depression or a breakdown which would be no good for the baby. Yes breastmilk is great, but so is a healthy mother that can care for their baby. Sometimes the benefits are far outweighed by the risk in continuing. And noone has the right to judge when that point is except the mother. So please lets just support each other.
And for the record, I love my son more than life itself, and that’s why I gave up and fed him the dreaded formula, and he has NEVER been to the doctor. Not once. The relationship is just not that clear cut, so formula feeding mums should not be made to feel guilty about their child’s illnesses.
Again, well done for persevering and getting to a point where you could nurse Will. I really don’t want to take away from your achievement, it is amazing. I am absolutely sure that this was the best thing you could have done for you and Will, just as I am equally sure that what I did for my son was the best thing for us. We are BOTH amazing mothers xxx
I’m so sorry you had that experience, but that is so great you didn’t give up and you pushed through the pain!!
My experience with my first daughter was similar but not to the same degree as you described!! But crying everytime she latched, the scratched up chest and all those other wonderful things brought back the memories of that crazy time; trying to deal with all the craziness of the hormone changes and body changes, trying to get to know this new little persone in your life, a billion other things and then add on excruciating pain just in trying to get your baby the nutrients they need!! Sometimes I can’t help but think women got the short end of the stick 😉
I know everyone is different, and every baby is different, but I hope and pray that your next one is a breeze like mine was! It was a completely different experience in every way, but I was ecstatic that breastfeeding the second time didn’t hurt AT ALL. I was all prepared with the Lansinoh, and I ended up not even opening the bottle up once!
just wanted to apologise about the rant… hanging head in shame.
Most of my comment was directed at the commenters who said things like “I loved my child so I persisted through the pain” and “what is a bit of discomfort compared to the health of my child”. I wanted THEM to read my post and not be so judgy mcjudgefest, which they probably won’t, and if they do they probably wouldn’t get it anyway. I just wanted to make the point that you need to walk in a woman’s shoes (and wear her ugly maternity bra) before you will fully understand her decisions. I fully appreciate that you said in your post that you now understand why sometimes breast is not best. So my hurt and defensiveness was not really directed at you.
Sorry.
ps I am also a long term TTC er, don’t get me started on that, but wanted to say congrats.
Gosh, Katie. I can’t imagine. Thanks for sharing your story; it’ll certainly prepare me when I get to that point. Incidentally, happy first birthday to Will! That’s a much happier thing to celebrate. 🙂
Katie, I love this post. I had a really hard time nursing as well. I actually had to stop after three weeks because I got really sick and my milk stopped producing. I felt so guilty about it and yet happy at the same time (which just made me feel more guilty). I always say I will try again with our next little one. Thanks for sharing! It’s good to know I wasn’t the only one who felt like giving up at first.
You’re amaz-balls. You’re like a breast feeding Marine-Mama.
I breast fed all 3 of my kiddos without a hitch. Thank God because if I had more than a week of what you went through I know I would have given up.
I don’t judge those who don’t breast feed or bottle feed. There are plenty of healthy bottle fed kids and plenty of babies who are breast fed who get chronic ear infections etc.
Whatever Mama chooses, do it with love. That is what matters most.
thanks for sharing your story Katie.
oh yeah.. if your new baby is a fighter/fidget-er, may I suggest swaddling from the get go. Arms to the side wrapped tight like a burrito.
peace out brah
Wow, you are seriously strong! I nursed my baby (who is now 7 weeks old) for 1 month. It was very painful for me too. I cried every time he latched on, then I got the Avent nipple shields and it was WAY better. The reason I stopped was because he was much much better at bottle feeding and I found that I absolutely didn’t like leaky nipples, engorged boobs, painful letdowns and pumping all the time. I would get really mad whenever I had to go pump and I was just not happy. So, I slowly found myself stopping breastfeeding, not on purpose, it just kinda happened. He got 1 month of breast milk which I’m happy about and everyone said it’s ok to stop. I honestly was SO happy when I stopped. I didn’t feel guilty or whatever like other people say and I didn’t cry. I just stopped and now my boobs are back to normal and I don’t have to wear breastpads or worry about what top to wear so BFing is easy. Oh yeah and as for losing weight, I didn’t find that I lost weight while BFing, I lost weight after I stopped (lost 8 lbs in the past month!) because I could diet, they say not to diet while breastfeeding. Oh, that was another thing, I basically ate the same as I did when I was preggers, but you shouldn’t do that because I didn’t lose any weight for a month! Everyone is different though! So, the main reasons I stopped was because Mason took 1-3 hours (yeah, one time he sucked for 3 hours!) to feed vs. 30 minutes on a bottle and I didn’t like pumping all the time. He’s a reallyyyy slow eater and he’s the “resting” style eater, he’ll suck for a little bit, then kind of fall asleep and not suck, then wake up and suck. Takes him super long just to eat 2 ounces. haha! Anyways, this is long, but I am super impressed with your story! You are strong! I guess I wasn’t as passionate as you are about BFing to make it work, maybe my next baby will be better at it! 🙂
Well, since you never mentioned it before, I figured you were one of those girls that made breastfeeding look easy and of course I hated you,lol! I had a very hard time as well, moreso with my first. I went through the pain, went to the lactation specialist, ….. I was in so much pain I had to take a break and used the pump. From that point on my son wouldnt go back to breastfeeding and refused to do it. So, feeling so guilty and like I had to do it b/c I knew the benefits, I ended up pumping for 2-3 months. Then I just couldnt do it anymore. I didnt seem to produce a lot of milk either. I figured a few months was better than nothing. My oldest son (who is now almost 6) has only had 2 ear infections in his whole life and both were after colds and directly after flying on an airplane. He very rarely gets sick besides the occasional cold and maybe a rare stomach virus (since he is in school now and catches junk like that) . It was a little easier with my second son. He seemed to latch well and nurse pretty well. I still went through the pain, but it wasnt for too long. I think breastfeeding was also hard for me b/c it’s hard for me to sit down for a period of time and not want to get up and do something. I’m a little impatient. After about 3 months my second son started kind of fooling around while nursing, not drinking, etc. I would pump and then I gave up on it. Also didnt seem to be producing a lot of milk so pumping resulted in not enough to feed him. I was hard on myself (especially the first time around) for not being able to do it for 12 months, but had to realize I had to get over it and do what worked for me and my children. I just couldnt understand how something so natural was so difficult to do!! And it made me mad to see others do it so easily. My second son (who is 28 months) has never had an ear infection and is also perfectly healthy. I almost question how accurate all the hype is about the breastfeeding/ear infection topic. My neices were both breastfed for a year and they are constantly sick and have ear infections and also had to have tubes! So I I am kind of doubting the info now. I think they just want people to do the natural thing of course (which there is nothing wrong with), but people shouldnt make other mom’s feel bad for not doing it. There can be lots of issues and reasons why it may not work for some. I think as with anything, you do what works for you and your family.
Wow! Props to you for sticking with it when it was so hard for you. What an amazing commitment to your baby! Please know that it isn’t always that hard. Maybe it will be easier with number two. Maybe I had it easy. If I were a cow, I would be what you would call a ‘good milker’. I found lanolin to be magic for chapped nips. I was religious about it – which is saying something for an on demand nurser! Anyhoo, good luck!
Oh, and I cried, too, when it was time to stop nursing. I think it upset me more than my babies!
I was reading your post and you know? I had completely forgotten that searing pain between the latch on and until your milk lets down. OMG PAIN! I nursed my son until he was two years and three months. We stopped after I was in an accident and needed to take painkillers. I was worried about how he would take stopping, because he would ask for “nene time”. I told him that there was no more “nene.” He looked at me and said, “Milk all gone?” I told him it was and that was that. I was relieved, because I did not know how we would end the nursing and didn’t expect to nurse as long as we did.
Thanks for sharing your story!! I had breastfeeding problems, as well. There seems to be this thought process that we should only do what’s easy and if something is “too hard” then it isn’t meant to be. I would NEVER give a mom a hard time for doing what she thinks is best, because I’m not in her shoes, so I can’t really judge, but I think there’s something to be said for doing what you think is right, doing what you are passionate about, despite the hardships and obstacles on your journey. It may sound weird, but there’s something gained through all of that and I can’t help but think that sometimes, when we throw in the towel, we miss out on something greater. I also know that sometimes, when I’m facing a major challenge, I want people to encourage me through that; not give me speeches about “not being a martyr.” A bit of self-sacrifice feels oddly good sometimes. Thanks for your honesty.
Nursing was the hardest part of your life? You’re pathetic. Grow up and stop complaining. People have it SO much worse than your pathetic little Jesus loves me lower middle class life. Get some perspective. It’s uneducated people such as yourself that scare me.
Congratulations on making it 12 months!!! I had a similar experience with my first & during my second pregnancy had nightmares about the toe curling, break out in an all over drenched sweat from the pain, blocked ducts, problems getting him to latch on & cracking I experienced the first time. After delivery and latching my second baby on for the first time I held my breath waiting for the pain…it didn’t come! I thought, “well, I’m not going to get my hopes up” remembering the searing pain I experienced for a good 2 1/2 months with a couple trips to a lactation specialist thrown in (3 to really get the hang of it) but I am also stubborn & determined so I continued, but quit at 7 months because he just wasn’t interested & pumping at work was for the birds. In the hospital I kept waiting, but I went home on day three with hardly any tenderness & no cracking!! Day one the first time around I was asking for lanolin & the Nazi lactation specialist acted like I was crazy for even asking much less needing it because if it hurt I was just “doing it wrong” amazingly he is just over two weeks old and so far everything is great, no pain, no latching problems, no engorgement…I can handle this!! I feel great, I’m rested and I am sleeping better than before giving birth (which was next to none) far better experience than being so tired my bones hurt the first time around! I think it depends on the baby, knowing and understanding more than I did the first time, plus I’m more relaxed but mainly I think it depends on the baby to determine your experience. It takes time, a butt load of patience & determination to work through…birth is a piece of cake compared to breast feeding and any mother that does so is a champion & any mother that can’t take it is simply doing what is best for both her and baby because it’s going to be impossible for some.
Hi Katie,
Thanks for posting about nursing.
I am still nursing my soon-to-be 1 year old.
I highly recommend “Breastfeeding Made Simple: Seven Natural Laws for Nursing Mothers” which I read while pregnant and then revisited MANY times after having the baby.
Good luck with baby number 2!
Whoa, slow down moms-to-be and new breastfeeding moms!
I’m a post-partum nurse and I while I respect Katie’s experience, her’s is CERTAINLY not the experience of most new moms. I don’t want this post to breed fear and trepidation in those of you learning to breastfeed or are pregnant and hoping to successfully breastfeed. I’ve breastfed four of my own kids, and there is a learning curve at the beginning just like any new activity. But I work every day with new moms and spend a great deal of time on each shift helping moms and babies learn to breastfeed. WITH THE PROPER help, probably 75% of moms can get to a point of nursing well and easily. The other 25% have either flat, flattish, inverted nipples, or have an aversion to having baby on the nipple or breast, or have pressure to nurse from their moms or their friends or society. For women who dislike breastfeeding or feel traumatized by it like Katie has, pump and bottle, or bottle feed formula. NO ONE should have a year of being agitated or emotionally upset over breastfeeding! That first year should be a delightful year of growing and discovering with your baby.
One other thing I will say: when you breastfeed, you must be willing to sacrifice your time, your body space, and your sleep to give a wonderful, healthy substance (breast milk) to your baby. I see lots of new moms who just don’t like to have their lives dictated by someone else (their baby). I also see new moms who want breastfeeding to happen NOW and are impatient to grow and develop as a breastfeeding mom. For many new moms, especially moms who grew up in middle to upper middle class homes, this is the first time they’ve had to give and give and give more than they’ve taken. This is a new challenge and a growing-up challenge. If you want to breastfeed, you must develop maturity.
Having said all of this, as a nurse, I don’t care if you breast or bottle feed; it’s your decision and most nurses I know will support you either way you choose. But if you choose breast-feeding, I think it is an extremely satisfying and fulfilling way to give your baby something no one else can give them. I had lots of personal breastfeeding challenges (multiple bouts with mastitis for one) but I have never ever regretted those very special times of feeding my babies. If you have or will have problems, there are outpatient lactation consultants to help you on your journey. Please don’t let Katie’s experience scare you or influence you negatively. That was HER experience and not yours. Thanks for listening and good luck in your nursing endeavors. Holly, RNC in Minneapolis
Katie, this sounds so painful and difficult.I pray that your experience with baby #2 is better. I had my boys 13 months apart (both c sections) and the worst part for me is them twisting and pinching when they hit around 7 months old. No bleeding or pain etc…well apart from biting a few times. 🙂 Did you try nipple shields? I have heard that they are super helpful if you have nipple pain. 🙂
It is ridiculously hard. I had twins that were born prematurely and I wasn’t allowed to nurse because they needed to know how much they were eating. I tried pumping, when that wasn’t working the lactation consultant told me to pump for 45 minutes on each side so that I could massage which pumping every 3 hours around the clock. And oh by the way she slipped in there that I was on medication that sometimes prevents lactation. Then it took 30-45 minutes to feed each baby because they were so small. So add all that up and I could have 15 minutes of every 3 hour window to eat, sleep or go to the bathroom. I gave up right away since it seemed like a no win situation. And I was so mad at the consultant for trying to make me feel guilty. BTW – both of my girls are extremely healthy and have never been to the doctor for a sick visit (they are 3 years old).
I did. Will wouldn’t nurse at all with them. He would just scream at me. Honestly, I still think it all had to do with his tongue…but since I was so sleep deprived and partially insane at the time, I didn’t do any more than just ask the pediatrician.
xo – kb
Amen Holly! This post was just to show one little perspective – but there are many many out there that shout from the rooftops the best experiences with BF!
xo – kb
Yup – there sure are people that have it so much worse. I would beg to differ though – my life isn’t pathetic…it’s pretty awesome…and I’m blessed to have it…thanks for the reminder 🙂
xo – kb
I am compelled to comment. LOL, Katie- “It hurts like a mother-effing-Singaporean-caning-to-your-nipples.” Yeah, that’s it! I never knew how to describe it, and now I do 🙂 FYI, I found it to get (slightly) easier with the next 3 babies. The first was unbelieveably, shockingly, I can’t believe I made it through, horrific.
Wow!
Hi Katie,
Your story sounds a LOT like mine except that a lactation consultant (about the 3rd one that I saw) finally figured out that my baby girl had a posterior/grade 4 tongue tie which was causing all the problems. Google it and see if you think Will might have had this too! This kind of tongue tie is hard to detect – the tongue can stick out but it is “tied” too tightly to the floor of the mouth. The latch looks great from the outside but inside the baby’s tongue cannot form the right shape. This causes trauma (! ) to the mother’s nipples and if mama has a lot of milk (like me), the baby will gain lots of weight but only because my poor babe was basically attached to a fire hose of milk. She was a miserable baby and it seems it was all because the “force feeding” was giving her awful gas pains. She couldn’t control the milk flow and was just gulping it down to keep from choking. At 10 weeks old we got her tongue tie snipped and things started getting better immediately. I hope things go better for you with baby #2.
p.s. I am still waiting for baby #2 – it’s been 5 years….. no explanation except that God’s timing and plan is not the same as mine – and I have had to accept that if I believe that He is sovereign, then I need to be OK with that. Not easy, but God is good…
Holly, do you work at U of M Fairview Riverside? If so, you are an absolute angel. (And if you don’t, I am sure you are still an angel for what you do).
I always meant to go back and thank you for taking such good care of me. I know you meet a lot of mamas and babies, but I had little Ingrid 2 years ago at 33 weeks. Severe Pre-eclampsia and emergency c-section. You had a migraine and continued to take care of me. Then you were gone for a day to get healthy and came back and apologized for leaving me for a day.
Hopefully you’ll see this comment if it is you!
A few things….
Babies don’t generally like to have a hand behind their head while they are nursing. It makes them feel trapped, if you will. They prefer to maintain head control. I believe it’s no coincidence that your nursing experience changed when you tried varying positions. I’m shocked, truthfully, that you consulted eperts along the way and no one suggested changing the baby’s position in an attempt to ease your discomfort.
I want to respond to a few sentences individually:
“I wouldn’t go so far as to say that breastfeeding is ever easy…until you get down to like one nursing a day. It’s around the clock work. ”
Speak for yourself. Our first couple of months were really tough. We had latch problems, supply issues, sickness, etc. But after that…it was so very easy. And I’ve known several women who said it was easy from the get to. Perhaps it was never easy for you…but please don’t plant seeds of difficulty in the minds of women who may have yet begun their breastfeeding journey.
“And if you have a crazy sleeper like I do, then also sleep-hindering because the man in your life is no help in the boob department. If your baby doesn’t take a bottle like mine didn’t after those first ten days, then it’s your only option.”
You’ll likely lose some sleep, no doubt. But for how long? A few months? A couple of years? In the grand scheme of things, losing some sleep isn’t such a big deal. I went to bed earlier for the first few years of my son’s life, knowing that I would be waking with him overnight. That’s your responsibility as a parent. It totally sucks sometimes, and you’ll look like a zombie from time to time, but it’s nothing that can’t be dealt with.
“And if you often have company or like to enjoy family time like I do, then you’ll know that you miss out when you sequester yourself to the bedroom to nurse.”
Sequestering yourself to a bedroom to feed your baby was a choice that you made; it is NOT the only choice that nursing moms have. My extended family members, some of whom were previously squeamish around nursing mothers, are now entirely comfortable with a mom nursing her baby in part because I made the choice to not hide my baby when he was eating. And that’s what it takes to normalize breastfeeding in our society.
“Oh and the milk stains? Yeah – really tough to get out.”
I nursed for years and literally have no idea what you’re talking about here. I battled poop stains. Vomit stains. Food and dirt stains. But you’ve lost me on the milk stains…
After that long winded reply, I suppose I just want to ask that you be responsible with the picture you paint of challneges like breastfeeding. Breastfeeding isn’t just a choice issue, it’s a public health issue. Undoubtedly, many women venture into breastfeeding and are ultimately blindsided by some of the struggles they face. That being said, the answer is not to scare the pants of off new moms, but to let them know that there are places that they can turn to for support (websites like kellymom.com and regional groups like Le Leche League) and that while many moms do face challenges as they get onto their feet, the statistic of women who are physically unable to breastfeed (given the right support and knowledge) is very insignificant. Sorry to hijack on my tangent, but this is a cause I feel very strongly about. 🙂
Mary, the American perspective on nursing is public is still very divided. Unfortunately, breasts are so overly sexualized that many seem to have forgotten that their true and intended purpose has nothing to do with partners or spouses, but instead our babies. Fortunately, a lot of activists are working hard to normalize breastfeeding in our society, so hopefully in time it will be much more common to see mothers breastfeeding in public, even without drapes and blankets (two things that I prefer to reserve for my windows and beds).
Wow! High road. Taken. Good job.
That is traumatic! No wonder you can’t talk about it.
When I had my son after a few days it started to hurt like someone was sawing my nipple off with a dull blade. It was awful. My doctor told me I had thrush on my nipples (yeast infection) and to put monastat on my nipples after each feeding. The pain went away quickly and never came back.
YES! I have a 10 week old and the first 6-7 weeks was pure torture. I am only now getting to where I don’t feel a lot of pain nursing and my nipples are finally getting used to it. I would clench down and hold on to him tight every time he latched and sometimes I would scream out in pain because I was so tired of it. He did go through a thrashing stage for a couple of weeks and if he had kept that up it would have been hard to continue, but like you I am pretty stubborn. I have been determined from the beginning to make this work and it has. I had to pump one side for a few days because it was cracked and bleeding. Now, at only 10 weeks, though, we have a pretty good time nursing. He is happy and only takes 15-20 mins (unless he is comfort nursing) unlike his hour and a half in the beginning. We have bonded quite a bit over it. I can’t believe no one told me how terrible it would be though. Not at all the same as birth, that part was a breeze compared because it didn’t linger for weeks and weeks. I am very grateful that it didn’t last as long as some, like you. Thank you for sharing your experience. Hopefully, it will be much easier with this next little one for you!
Sounds like you and I had very similar experiences. I can’t even remember with mine when the nursing pain stopped; all I know is it was a very long time. I made it a little over a year out of sheer stubbornness. After preeclampsia, a 25 hour induction that didn’t take, a c-section, and PPD I felt like a complete failure as a new mom, so I was determined that this would be the one area I wouldn’t “screw up”. Thankfully, I look back now on myself then with a much more tender heart than I had at the time. And of course I gently caution my expecting friends that if breastfeeding doesn’t feel all sweet and natural like it is advertised to know that they have someone to listen and encourage them in it.
Katie, thank you so very much for sharing your breastfeeding experience. Will and your new baby are so very fortunate to have such a dedicated and loving mama. Many mothers give up on nursing due to much less despite the known risks of formula.
It sounds like something terribly, terribly wrong was happening when you nursed Will in the first months. An LLL leader or good LC will stick with you offering new tips/tricks or suggestions until things are right. I do not agree that breastfeeding just has to suck for a certain portion of the population; human survival has depended on it being reasonably agreeable for most of our history. It is certainly an art, and it doesn’t come naturally to every mother-baby pair, and I hope for your sake and Will’s little brother or sister that nursing goes much better this time.
LLL help over the phone, by email, or at meetings is always free. You can find a leader near you here: https://lllofga.org/Local.html
All LLL leaders are experienced breastfeeding mothers who volunteer their time to support other moms.
You may also contact me directly if you wish.
I hope that you will make a connection with someone who can help should the need arise with your new little one.
Happy gestating,
Melinda
Katie thanks for sharing your story! I can’t believe you perservered through all that- you should be very proud! Breastfeeding hurt for me too- A LOT in the beginning (but doesn’t sound like as bad as yours did) and it also bothered me that I was told that if I was doing it right it wouldn’t hurt. I knew I was doing it right because I would feel less full when she was done, and she was having plenty of wet diapers, etc. Telling Moms that if it hurts you’re doing it wrong adds so much more frustration to the experience- there’s already so much frustration with the pain, the no sleep, the pumping (like many of us do in addition), etc. that no one needs more. I’ve had so many friends ask me if it hurt, because they too were wondering why it hurt if the classes said it’s not supposed to. Also thanks for sharing the part about the colic. My daughter also had colic that ended mysteriously at 3 months (EXACTLY the week before I went back to work, lucky enough!). It was also from the start- the 2nd night in the hospital she was up all night crying and nothing I did would make her stop. We learned we had to bounce her while walking in laps for the first 3 months, or else she cried, and many times that wouldn’t even work. They also say colic doesn’t start that early…and our pediatrician didn’t think it was a big deal and I (like you) was too sleep deprived to figure out what was happening on my own, so we just continued to bounce her (sometimes staying up 24 hours straight or more). Now I’ve heard that many babies need that rocking/bouncing if they have acid reflux and we maybe should’ve tried to get her pediatrician to get her something…we’ll push harder next time. 😉
I almost don’t want to comment since there are almost 500 of them already, lol! BUT…we are going on 10 months of breastfeeding. The first 10 days were HELL. But we made it through. My little one LOVES nursing and I have a feeling we will be nursing well into her second year. She’s a big time comfort nurser. Whenever people are doubtful of whether or not they’ll breastfeed, I frame it like this: Your baby is born like a puzzle with a missing piece. Your colostrum IS the missing piece. It completes the immune system. That seems to help people understand how important nursing is. In fact, it’s SUCH an important topic to me, that I did a 3-week photo series about it! Hope it’s ok if I share:
http://brittanyhobbsphotography.com/nursing-photo-series/
Katie, I thank you for this experience that your sharing. I am expecting my first child. (due 10/16) and I was getting in bed last night think about all the friends and family I know that have had children and did not warn me about a lot of things. Sure “they” warn you about morning sickness. But no body told me I would be dead tired for over 13weeks. No body told me I would be feeling weird pains everywhere. (“they” now tell me is stretching.) “they” never told me I would have crazy mood swings and be extremely emotional. Funny thing, the only thing “they” told me was morning sickness and I never had any of that. Thank you for sharing something that I should be aware of.
Wow Katie, my hat (or rather my Bravado nursing bra) is off to you. You are truly one amazing person, and a super mom for sure. I cannot say with certainty that I would have persevered like you did if I had been in your shoes. That took so much strength, so much faith, and so much love. Way to go girl. Pat yourself on the back, pour yourself a Mai Tai, sing “I Believe I can Fly” at the top of your lungs in the elevator. You deserve it woman.
I rarely (ok, never) leave comments. I am usually a serial stalker. But I feel compelled to comment on your post because I could have written it- every. single. word. Your description of gritting your teeth, stomping and crying out brought back such vivid memories for me that it almost made me cry. My daughter is 18 months old now, and I breastfed her for nearly 14 months. We didn’t have a painless nursing session until she was around 5 or 6 months old. We tried everything to make it better (she even had a frenotomy to correct her mild tongue tie), and the lactation consultants were stumped. I got severe plugged ducts on a weekly basis, infections, you name it. Despite everything, I still wouldn’t change my decision to breastfeed. Because it got better, and I too cried after that final nursing session. I still miss the quiet time, just the two of us, snuggling while she nursed (she never stays still long enough for that now). Thanks so much for sharing your story. I wish I had read something like this while I was in the middle of my hell- it feels good to know you’re not alone.
I experienced alot of similarities in the beginning… lots of bleeding cracked nipples, engorgement and mastitis, endless hours at the pump keeping my supply up. I would watch the clock and dread having to peel the bloody scabs off of my nursing bra. Thankfully my son developed a good latch about 4-6 weeks later and breastfeeding actually became “easy” (you know… obviously it wasn’t easy, but the act itself was) and enjoyable. I’m sorry it was always so hard for you. I hope it won’t be next time! And to any new or expecting moms… it USUALLY gets better, so keep trying if that’s what you want… but don’t beat yourself up if you’re ready to be done. No one can ever fully prepare you for how hard breastfeeding (or any other parenting thing…) is. It’s all hard, and we all do our best.
Oh and in the beginning a boppy, the football hold, lansinoh creme, warm baths, and a breast pump were mandatory for me to get through it.
What a great post Katie! A bit of a roller coaster. I feel for you. You never know what you’re going to get in the hospital with nurses/lactation consultants, etc. I didn’t have an LC in the hospital, but luckily I have a sister-in-law who is trained as one and I asked her prior to having my son, to be my advocate and my rock. Boy did she help. When I was in my drug- induced post emergency c-sect-emotional-brand new baby-freakish state, she was there to support me, evening shoving my boob in my newborns mouth a few times :)… One thing that helped me and still to this day, is a little known device called the nipple shield. It’s a soft plastic nipple cover that the baby latches onto and protects your boob. Though, probably not from the thrashing and chaos of the colicy little squirt. I still use it and my son just turned one.
I would suggest buying one and bringing it to the hospital in the event that you have a hard time at first. It’s worth a shot. I’ll be crossing my fingers that this baby goes easier on your tatas.
Congratulations and best of luck!
Love your writing! It is so funny! I have a 7 week old and a 2 year old and I am just waiting for the 3 month mark when I can lay down the baby and he won’t cry! If he was my first, I would think something is wrong with him but I just know it is part of being a newborn. Thanks for your post! Made me remember that this crazy, crying newborn stage will past!
I breastfed with all three of my children. With my first I had the same experience as you described here. It got so bad I didn’t want her near me and I would cry when I was time to feed her. My nipples were, cracked and bleeding and just plain raw. I lost track of how many times I went to see lactation consultant. I kept at it and after a few months I gave up… Completely! I figured it just wasn’t meant to be. With my second,two years later, I had a slight discomfort for the first few days, but NEVER had the cracked bleeding raw nipples as the first time, only soreness during “growth spurts” when I was nursing more often. Funny enough my oldest who only nursed for a few months was never sick (and still is rarely sick). My second that I nursed exclusively for 6 months was plagued with every germ and infection you can think of : RSV, pneumonia, ear infections all before she was 3 months old. So I always laughed at the immune system boost with breast feeding cause in our case it didn’t help. I do need to mention that nursing was the only way I that I felt I could help my baby because she was so sick all the time. Years later we had her tonsils and adnoids remove because it was blocking her nasal cavity and causing her infections. With my third child, nursing was great but twice I woke up with flu-like symptoms only to later realize I had mastitis. And THAT hurt like absolute heck!! My advice to all news moms is that every breast feeding experience and each mom should do what is best for her and her baby in the end. If you can get a few a days or months of nursing that is great, but don’t feel guilty or apologize. It is hard! Parenting is hard too. But I wouldn’t change it for anything.
I hesitate to leave a comment as I see you have over 500! WOWSA! but I just wanted to say this was a great read. I too breastfed for a year and we had similar journeys. I had pain as well, after that subsided it was easier but it was never like an awesome time for me like other moms said, I just did it because I felt it was important. I did not love having to have easy access to my boobs 24-7 and my boy WAS a comfort nurser so as soon as he got near them he was after it! ha Anyway thanks for sharing your story!
I just discovered this today from The Leaky B@@b fan page..
http://www.ruminaformoms.com/
Looks really convenient!
haha…that one photo of the pumps included makes me laugh out loud. Hysterical 🙂
xo – kb
I’m a little late in reading this post, but I just wanted to say thank you for sharing! You are absolutely correct about the books being full of lies, haha. Breastfeeding does hurt like a son-of-a-biscuit. Like you, I cried every time my daughter started to act hungry and I dreaded every feeding. There was nothing comforting or soothing about breastfeeding…it was not a bonding time for us. It was just a chore that I had to do and I was not a fan. Unfortunately, I wasn’t making enough milk, so we had to supplement with formula. Thus making the process take twice as long. Ten to twelve minutes on each side and then a bottle of forumla. When Lainey was about 6 weeks old I got a horrible sinus infection with a really high fever. The kind where your entire body hurts and you don’t want to be touched. It was torture. That is when I started pumping. I gave up breastfeeding, but she was still getting all the good stuff because I would pump and then feed it to her. Sure, it was a little inconvenient…but it didn’t hurt nearly as bad. I continued pumping and she would get a bottle of breastmilk and a bottle of formula at every feeding until she was about 6 months old and my breastmilk production started getting really low. It wasn’t super practical, but it worked for us. I was much happier and she was still getting all the benefits of the breastmilk (and daddy could feed her some too). Breastfeeding isn’t for everyone, that is for sure. But I definitely think it is worth trying…because, like you said, it is SO good for the baby. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It is always reassuring to know that you’re not alone in situations like this.
Thanks for your honesty, Katie. No one talks about how hard raising a baby is. Sure, you’re sleep-deprived, and you expect and anticipate that, but babies, especially colicky ones, are HARD. Breastfeeding is a total commitment, and is HARD. Like you, I never understood why anyone would elect to formula feed given all the wonders of breastfeeding. After a few days with my son, I got the memo loud and clear. Mine too would pound his fists, suck furiously, kick, scream and cry. I was sure I was doing something terribly wrong. The only reassurance I had was his weight gain (he wound up doubling his birth weight – he was small – by his 2 month check-up). Regardless, I feel your pain, figuratively and literally, and am thankful that you chose to share this as it makes me (& many others) feel as though we’re not alone.
A friend of mine dealt with something similar, but decided not to suffer through the pain and just pumped (which was so hard for her to do). You have a lot of courage and I admire you for pushing through the pain for the sake of your baby.
Congrats on number 2!! How exciting, I hope the second time around with breast feeding is a breeze!
story.of.my.life.
Katie, thank you so much for writing this!!! I mean…don’t get me wrong…it scared the you-know-what out of me. It sounds weird, but these are the types of stories I long to hear now that I’m pregnant. I just want everyone to keep it real and yet I constantly feel like I’m getting sugar-coated half-truths about a lot of this stuff. So again, thank you!
That is a shame! SOMEONE should have told you to toughen up your nipples by rubbing them several times a day during pregnancy with a dry washcloth and squeezing and pinching them too. LeLeche League does a GREAT job of preparing new mothers to breastfeed. I nursed all three of my kids with NO pain(at least until they got teeth-lol) because I prepared my nipples for it. Good luck next one!
I have a 10 week old little one and am back at work now! I was thinking in my head this morning how time consuming and tiring breastfeeding is- and of course she is going through what I think is a growth spurt and was up every 2 hours last night… As I walked into work in a total fog of sleep deprivation, I was contemplating the pros and cons and if I can do this longer, as I too have the goal of a year. This post was perfect timing for me to read. I had a similar experience in the beginning (tears, pain, thrush included) but it is already getting better. Reminded me it is indeed worth it, and that I’m doing the best I can for my baby. Now, off to pump at work! Thanks Katie 🙂
I’ve been nursing my baby girl for 8 months now, and just this week I am starting the weaning process due to a variety of factors (scheduling factors at work, upcoming major travel, to name two). I too have judged other girls for their breastfeeding (or not) choices and was adamant about continuing for a full year at minimum… but here I am, making this conscious and well-thought/prayed decision to purposely cut it short. And it WILL be okay even though the thought of ending this phase (as well as the hormones) makes me weepy.
I never had pain like you describe. For several weeks my nipples would hurt AFTER nursing, when they just wouldn’t go soft again. Even a light breeze (which they were exposed to often because it hurt too much to cover them with any type of clothing) was so painful. I think it’s because my girl was a comfort nurser — even when I tried to tickle her, unlatch/relatch and generally encourage her to keep things moving, she’d nurse for an hour each session and be hungry again in an hour and a half. CONSTANT NURSING! (The good aspect of this was that we developed a strong bond through it, which hurts me to think about changing after all this time…) That said, it did get better after several weeks and the pain subsided, allowing me to actually wear clothes again! Yay! Now it’s literally no big deal. I barely feel anything at all.
My big issue was/is PLUGGED DUCTS. I’ve had at least a dozen in the past 8 months, and 3 just in the last week. (One more reason I’m working on weaning.) According to the books and the lactation consultants, we’re doing everything right. But once or twice a month I’ll wake up in the morning with a hard lump and 2-3 oz of milk just trapped in a small space with nowhere to go. It’s the most desperate feeling… I have a ritual of painkillers, supplements, pumping and other tricks to work them out. I even keep a heating pad in my desk at work, and my coworkers know to leave me alone when it’s plugged in and stuffed down my shirt. I cannot wait to be done with those forever… or at least until we decide to have kid #2. If ever…
The fun thing is that I’ve kept an accurate tally of all the time spent nursing since day one. Once we’re all done, I’m pretty excited to add it all up and reward myself for the time well spent serving my baby this way.
Katie! I’ve never heard someone describe the pain I felt down to the exact detail… You hit it on the nail. Now, I HAD to post my 2 cents- there were a few comments on what a ‘shame’ it was that you didn’t ‘toughen up your nipples’ beforehand, etc, etc (as if there was something you could have helped)- and I felt the need to speak up and say that, without a doubt, those women obviously did not have the same babies as we did. I DID ‘toughen’ up my nipples beforehand- but it was no match for my 1st daughter, who I had to wrestle like an alligator to latch on, and whose suck & tongue were so powerful, that she would collapse a bottle’s nipple in seconds. No help (professional & from my SERIOUS leche league mother)seemed to work, and after 3 long months of crying and suffering, my milk was just not there any more, no matter how long & hard I pumped & tried to keep her on me (as hard as she might hit me with her tiny fists). I was DEVESTATED. But, I’m here to tell you- none of it was anything you could have helped. I only truly believed that after I had my 2nd child. She nestled into me the day she was born, and nursed so calmly & peacefully that I was convinced there was something wrong with her! I was shocked at how easy it was, and for the first time, I was able to let go of the guilt I had held onto (that I must have done something wrong, ’cause that’s what everyone’s ‘suggestions’ seemed to say to me)- I realized that some babies love it, and some don’t. Nearly 3 years later, and I’m still trying to get my 2nd daughter to forget about the boobs. 🙂 I’m just saying all this to offer some hope that the 2nd time will be much easier on you. Best of luck to you, and congrats on your new little person! You are awesome!!!
Haha…I loved how you thought something was wrong with your second daughter when it was so easy…I would think the same too 🙂
xo – kb
I have two kids and I breastfed both of them. It was not painful for me at all. However, I did not like it (I felt like I was in baby jail) but did it anyway because of your reasons. I did get a yeast infection on my breast because I was on antibiotics. That is painful! And my breast were engorged at one time. Your post just shows that everyone’s breastfeeding experience is different. Good for you for sticking to it! You are an amazing mother!
Wow. Thanks for sharing that. I never knew it could be that painful without thresh or mastitis. I’m so sorry it wasn’t easy and hope things are different with your next little one. You should get a medal for nursing Will for a year.
I’m guessing your lactation consultant wasn’t very experienced. In the books they don’t talk about searing pain except with an infection. I’ve nursed three and really hated the first few days after birth because the uterus contractions were stunning with baby 2 & 3. (as in took my breath away) Other than an infection and baby clamping down (thankfully with only gums or I’d be nippleless) I didn’t have any pain.
Thank you for writing this! I am a mother of a 12 month old. I am still breastfeeding and some days it’s really frustrating (mostly because of the sleep deprivation). However I love it nonetheless. Your post nearly brought me to tears because it is a good reminder that love takes practice and choice sometimes. What a journey this motherhood thing is!
Thank you for sharing your breastfeeding story. My daughter is nearly 6 months old and breastfeeding is as easy as can be now, but I’ll never forget those first few weeks, seeing the blood on my bra pads and wanting nothing more than to skip a feeding and sleep for more than two hours at a time… while still recovering from the most physically traumatic thing that my body has ever gone through. I literally had to break down and bawl to get my husband to understand… to give me a few hours off and let me sleep. Luckily, my daughter took to the bottle right away, but I definitely felt guilty about introducing it at less than two weeks of age just so that I could hand the baby off and not have to be 100% responsible for her, day and night. I was also grateful that she took to the bottle so easily when the colic started and she would flail and fuss and detatch over and over while I was trying to feed her, crying tears that dripped all over her as I said I’m sorry for not knowing how to help her over and over. I was prepared for pregnancy and labor and I even knew that breastfeeding would likely be difficult, but no one told me how emotionally difficult being a mother would be. Returning to work seriously saved me from postpartem depression and daycare saves me further by giving me back some of the me time that I lost (my husband works nights, so I’m home alone with baby 5 days a week). It’s tough, but it comforts me to know that I’m not alone.
I’m so sorry you had such a hard time nursing, but I am grateful for your story! I have a five-week-old and the first 3-4 weeks of nursing were just excruciating. I had constant pain and my skin was raw. I kept thinking I was doing something wrong, but the lactation consultants said she was latched on correctly. I wanted to give up approximately 1,531 times. Now we seem to be in a groove and the pain has gone away. I occasionally have “discomfort” but nothing like the teeth-clenching, foot-stomping pain I had to start with. I am glad to know I’m not the only one who wanted to give up, but I am glad I kept going. I think we have these grand ideas of what motherhood will be like before we have our first child, and it is hard to deal with reality when it is different from our original dreams.
Thanks again for sharing your story!
I’m sorry you had such a rough time nursing! Hoping the next one will be much easier. I thankfully had an easier experience with my 3 kids. My first was a crazy eater, she’d get her head going so much she’d pop off. I always loved the football hold with the boppy the best and would swaddle her first, helped me control her a bit. My second would not stay attached. I’d have to reattach him a million times and constantly try to keep him awake. He was a lazy nurser. It does hurt like a mofo in the beginning, sorry yours continued. I lived with my tube of lanolin those first few weeks with each, that stuff is the greatest! Slather that stuff on constantly and you don’t have to wipe it off when they need to nurse. Good luck with #2, hope it’s a better experience!
Thanks for sharing. It was terrible for me too at the begining and my baby was never satisfied. I had to breastfeed her first and then give her formula since her second week of life. I’m not a good producer. The first days I cried everytime I gave her a bottle, I felt I was poisoning her. I blamed myself for not being able to feed her in the natural way. Terrible, emotinally those were the worst days of my life. I felt a bad mommy and thought my baby deserved to have one that could do such simple thing like nursing. She breastfed (mixed with formula) until she was three months old, then one day she didn’t attach to me and although I tried several days, she rejected the offer. It was way more comfortable for me but I miss that connection. It’s not easy to have a baby, but it’s the best i ever have done.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. My daughter is only four weeks old and I’ve been having a difficult time nursing (mastitis in one boob and a traumatic weaning from the nipple shield that has left my nipples raw and me dreading everytime she wants to eat). I’m encouraged by your willpower and I hope to also be able to continue. It’s nice to know, though, that just because she’s crying and freaking out at the boob it doesn’t mean that I’m doing something horribly wrong. I never imagined this would be so tough. Kudos to you and I hope it goes differently with your second.
Thank you for your honesty in posting this. I had a great little latcher, but my body just hated breastfeeding. My goal was to make it at least 6 months, but constant plugged ducts and bouts of mastisis finally got to me. I threw in the towel at 5 months after a very long tearful talk with my husband. My husband kept telling me that I was being a great mother, I had made it farther than most women in my position, and I would be a better mother if I was able to hold and care for our daugther more. And he was right. For me it was amazing how much more time I had with our daughter AFTER I quit breastfeeding. I had such bad pain I couldn’t hold her against me when I had a plugged ducts (which was at least 1x per week). I did have a lot of critics about quiting before 6 months, but it was the right decision for me and my family. It also made me realize I can never judge another women about her breastfeeding choices because I have no idea what she’s dealt with.
I hear ya! Breast-feeding is hard! I only made it through one week with each of my babes. With Jack, I had to be put back in the hospital with an infection from the c-section a week later. They had me on some antibiotics and they were not sure if it would hurt him. And with Annie, she was like your son, a very vigorous eater. I too had hurting, bloody boobs. I think my Annie could suck the chrome off a bumper. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I cried for two weeks because I was so disappointed in myself. I had told myself that things would be different with Annie. That if I was ok and didn’t get another infection that I would at least nurse her till she started getting teeth. I just had to realize that I can’t be super woman. And I had to look at the bright side, that at least I did give them some of the important anti-bodies during that first week.
this made me want to weep with joy. whilst breastfeeding came fairly easily to me with my daughter (it still was painful at first!) sure had reflux and would kick, wail and scream whilst feeding them promptly vomit it ask back up when finished. I don’t think i’ve ever cried so much in my life. we got through these tough times and my milk dried up at about ten months. I was happy and proud to.say I.had persisted. thankfully my soon (who is now the months old) and feeds like a germ – it doesn’t even seem that painful this time! I hope you have a more positive experience all round this time, and while I won’t say pain free, I will say less painful. Jen xx
Dude, if I had done that, I would have gone into labor.
My nipples are one of my strongest erogenous zones (keeping it PG here for the family show) and my nipples were a no-fly zone. Nursing with those puppies was almost awkward enough.
It sounds like Katie had the worst case of mastitis that I have ever heard of. I had extreme pain, but only when my milk came in.
As I sit here pumping at work (to ease the discomfort of my decision to cut my lactation down to just morning & evening nursing my 9-month-old), I am so happy to have read this entry. Wish I had read it while struggling to nurse my 1st two formula-fed newborns. Reading it made me smile the entire time and I hope all new mothers read this who are struggling with the newness & chaos of breastfeeding. Thank you!
REALLY late to the party, but I wanted to share my experience briefly. I had pain like you did with both of my babies. Over a ten on the pain scale. It was horrible. Finally after trying everything, my lactation consultant discovered that I had Reynauds. It is a circulation condition that usually affects the hands and feet when it is cold, but it can affect the breasts too, and it is VERY painful. It was really bad with my second because she was a Winter Baby. It finally got better when the weather got warm! It is often mistaken for thrush because the nipple turns white, BUT what the real indicator is, is the tri-phasal color change. Nipples go from red, to purple, to white (they are white when really cold). It is rare. She said I was only the second case she had seen in 25 years. I don’t think it is as rare as it is under diagnosed. My primary care doctor called a colleague of hers in France and he said that they see it all the time there. They call it, “icy nipples.” lol! Anyway, I wanted to comment since you are probably thinking about how to approach breastfeeding with your next little one. Something to keep in the back of your mind.
If I have another baby, I will try to time it so that I have a Summer baby! =)
Thank you for posting this! I had many similarities at first, and my son had latching issues for the first two weeks or so, so I would sleep for about 20 minutes, wake up, nurse him, pump, feed him what I pumped, then sleep for 20 minutes, then start over. Looking back, I was depressed, and that was depressing since you’re supposed to be really happy when you have a new baby. But breastfeeding IS hard for a lot of people, and not enough people talk about how hard it can be. I remember when he was three weeks old, I was crying to a friend about how hard it was, but I was SO determined to breastfeed exclusively. My friend told me, “Jane, you’re doing a good job. Most women would have given up by now.” And that gave me strength. Just to know that I was pushing through the hard part gave me a little more motivation to keep going. Now 10 months later I’m still nursing him twice a day, and I am so proud of us. I’m proud of my husband for supporting us too – he had to listen to me cry and curse when it hurt so much when Joel latched. He had to listen to my worries and he would sit up with me as much as he could when I was doing the nursing/pumping/bottle feeding routine. My hubs could easily have just said, “lets just give him some formula so you can have a break,” but he knew I was so close to losing my mind that I probably would have agreed. He knew how healthy it is for both mom and baby to breastfeed, so he helped me keep going. A good partner is priceless, for sure.
Thanks again for sharing your story. 🙂
Hi!
I just happened upon your blog after seeing a link at young house love, and I have to tell you how happy I am to read this post. I have a 14-month old son who I tried desperately to nurse for 3 months with unbearable pain at each feeding. I relate to the feeling of helplessness you experienced and also cried in anticipation of feedings every few hours. I eventually decided to take off from 11:00pm to 6:00am (supplementing with a formula bottle at night if need be) so I had time to recharge every night. I ended up giving up nursing to pump full time when my son was three months old, but I felt like a complete failure because no one had told me how painful it could be. I remember crying through our final feeding and being fearful about my decision’s impact on his well-being. Thanks for the honest account of your breastfeeding journey.
Late reading this, but it’s got to be my favorite post of yours ever.
Maggie and I didn’t have *quite* such a terrible time, but I did get enough perspective to lose the judginess I had before. I did have the incredible, mind-blowing, searing pain — but mine started at the beginning of week two and thankfully only lasted until she was three weeks old. I also had help from a completely ballin’ lactation consultant (BALLIN’ — that’s the only word). None of this prim and proper, cold bedside manner. She was a practical, funny, warm, meemaw-type. And she was determined to make sure that *I* was as comfortable as possible, not just make sure that baby was eating and then say, “Well, it hurts sometimes. Sorry. But you’re a horrible person if you quit, so suck it up.” Our hospital had free mother’s groups that she supervised, so I was able to get help in person for free, which not everybody has access to. It was really the key to my success, because I didn’t know anyone who had successfully breastfed and everyone was telling me to just let it go.
I think what you said about “practicing devotion” is so true. And about the bonding being a roller coaster. I remember being bummed that she would stare and smile at my boobs and not at me at first (just like her Daddy…hmmm…). And I well remember struggling to keep her awake for a feeding, desperate to make her finish so she gain just a few more ounces and be satisfied enough to give me three straight hours of sleep, only to have her puke it all up fifteen minutes later and be hungry all over again. Epic anguish.
She’s five months old and I’m back at work. Let me tell you that missing your baby, sitting alone in the basement of an office building pumping three times a day while your coworkers talk about what a worthless slacker you are is a whole new level of misery. Add to that lugging the cursed thing back and forth to work every day, washing a million tiny pieces, and making bottles — bah! Hate it!! But I try to focus on how lucky we are to be able to do it and how fortunate I am to have a job that lets me provide for our family.
I’m not a goal-setting, super-acheiver-type person. Outside of academics, deciding to breastfeed Mags for a year is one of the only things that I’ve set out to do and worked hard at. It’s been hard, but I’ve learned a lot about myself and I am really proud of myself. (Not PC at all, I know, to be proud of yourself for breastfeeding — but I am!)
Ack, Russian-novel-length comment…sorry! Guess you hit a nerve! Thank you so much for writing this. I know it will help someone in the middle of that awful black time.
Wishin a little encouragement your way Val! You should be proud!
xo – kb
Hi Katie,
I can’t thank you enough for sharing this post with us. Reading it again tonight has been such a blessing to me. My little girl is 3 months old and breastfeeding has only just started hurting less. Knowing that other people experienced the same thing I did makes me feel so much better! I feel like I reached out for help a million times and no one could understand. The lactation consultant didn’t have an answer to make it hurt less and friends just hadn’t experienced pain like I did. I felt so guilty for dreading feedings–it was such a struggle each day. Thankfully the pain has mostly subsided and I look forward to the close time that nursing gives me and my baby.
I’m praying your final weeks of pregnancy go well and that you have a fast delivery. Can’t wait to see pictures of your new little one!
I so appreciate you being open with your readers, especially about this topic.
So glad to hear that it’s subsiding…nursing pain is totally underrated in my book.
xo – kb
I know you’re getting ready for baby #2 so I wanted to share…. Ask your lactation consultant or nurse in the hospital about a nipple shield. It’s basically like a last resort (but I’m not sure why) and they don’t usually tell you about it but my son had a “tied tongue” that had to be clipped later so he couldn’t latch properly and I got what the nurse called a “nipple trauma.” lol Anyway, the shield is basically like a really really thin clear plastic cover that goes over your nipple, almost like a bottle nipple. They have them at the hospital and sell them at stores like babies-r-us. It was a life saver for me and my little man!!! I know you said Will didn’t have problems with latching but it still helps so much with the pain.
Hope it helps!!
p.s. I love your blog. You are such a cute and funny person! Praying that all goes well with #2.
Hi! Just wondering..I know that breast feeding is supposed to be the best BUT what kind of deodorant did you use? I’ve read countless stories where the aluminum in regular deodorant leaks / is absorbed by your body and being that your armpit is in close proximity to a breast I would think that one would be feeding your baby all the chemicals in the deodorant…no? If you didn’t use a regular deodorant what did you use? The natural deodorants don’t seem to work for me..thanks.
I did use regular antipersperent but I know that my health freak mom uses a homemade one…I betcha you could find a recipe online 🙂
xo kb
I just saw this post on breastfeeding. It describes my experience too but I learned that I actually had internal thrush (which doctors knew nothing about) I there any chance you had that? Check it out. You didn’t say that it felt like knives going through your boobs (nice!) but that’s how it felt when I had thrush.
Yeah…..for the women who have suggested it, you should never ever “roughen up” your nipples. It can cause premature labor and contractions. You shouldn’t even do anything too kinky with your breasts while pregnant. Too much stimulation creates oxytocin, which causes can induce labor.
What I found that helped was, after you nurse, if you have a little breast milk on your nipples, let it dry by itself, don’t wipe it off. Breast milk works WONDERS for sore nipples. I did nothing to “prepare” my boobs for breastfeeding, and my one year old son still nurses about five times a day. Yay for extended breastfeeding!!! 😀
I know your pain though, Katie. My son had a lazy suck (and it brought on jaundice). I tried a nipple shield, the pump-and-taste method (where you pump just enough to let the baby have a taste and then leave it wanting more, hopefully to encourage latching), everything. I went through three nurses and a lactation consultant. I was up all night with my son while he screamed at the hospital because he was hungry, but didn’t want to latch. Finally, on my last day there, the midwife who helped me deliver came for a visit and was able to get him latched on. He had to stay in the hospital by himself that night on a Bili-bed, which broke my heart.
For the first month he was home, I supplemented half and half; I pumped and gave him formula. He was really just NOT into breastfeeding. My boobs were SO SORE and SO BIG that I didn’t even wear a bra for the longest time. It still hurts to wear one for too long to this day! I leaked everywhere, all over everything. I could literally squirt my fiance from across the room! I was persistent about breastfeeding. I would try to latch him whenever I could, even if it was a struggle. It didn’t help that he also had colic. However, my body stopped reacting to the pump and I developed mastitis. THE most excruciating pain ever. I’d rather go through my 19 hour labor five more times than experience mastitis EVER again. My doctor practically yelled at me for pumping. I had so many people telling me a million different things, I had no idea what to do! After a month or so on the bottle, though, he was a champ at latching on. After those first few months, I only ever gave him a bottle when we were out for the day, until recently when I became comfortable nursing in public. He hasn’t had a bottle since he was six months old! And he can drink out of his sippy cup just fine. He’s growing up so fast :’)
Nursing has strengthened our bond SO MUCH. For us, it is just like the movies: cooing, milky smiles, giggling, staring into each other’s eyes. It has helped me get over the big hill that was my looooong overstayed post partum depression.
I’m sorry that your first nursing baby was traumatic!!! But I promise you, it’s not the same every time. Next time might be easier. I am so proud of you for not giving up. So many of my friends that are new mommas just immediately give up because they think they aren’t producing enough, and/or aren’t educated on the process of nursing. Good for you for sticking in there and doing what’s best for your baby! It takes a fighter to grit your teeth and tell yourself that it will all be worth it in the end. 🙂 Happy nursing, mommas!
Katie,
Thank you. My LO is at her grandparents for a few hours giving me a much needed break as I write this. I just had a baby girl a few weeks ago. She is my first. Much of what you wrote about breastfeeding Will sounds very similar to the struggles I am going through. She is also a strong willed baby and very fussy. She wants to be held all the time, which means showering and chores around the house are challenging for me do. I cry at least every day because things seem so hard right now. Thank you for sharing your story. It reassures me that I can breastfeed her for a year like I hope to do, I just have to hang on for the ride right now. I will probably try to look at this post a lot between feedings when I have time, because it is very encouraging to me.
You can do it girl! And if you need a break, take one…no one will judge you for you-time! Remember, only you can decide what is best for you and your family 🙂
xo – kb
I am just now reading this for the first time, because I never breastfed my first 3 kids, but decided to do so with my fourth and final baby. She is almost 4 weeks old now, and I can honestly relate to EVERYTHING you said!!! It’s like you took my thoughts and put them to paper. I’m so glad I’m not the only one thinking those same thoughts. Thanks Katie, for this post, because it makes me feel better about myself as a mother. 🙂
I read this post ages ago and am reading it again because its just another bad day with my LO.
My 3 month old doesnt breastfeed and drinks expressed milk from a bottle. He refuses to latch, Ive seen every lactation consultant, specialist nurse, baby whisperer etc under the sun. All of them were useless. He just wont latch on, he hates cuddling, he never falls asleep on me like a babys supposed to, he hates his stroller, his carseat, his swing, but insists on being carried but only facing outwards.
I look at mums that nurse and I feel so much jealousy. I cant leave the house because my baby is always cranky because he struggles to nap. Pumping is such an inconvenience but I do it cos of all the benefits etc.
Its been hard the last few days because hes been rejecting my milk – down to sore throat apparently says the doc. So hes been on formula while I pump anyway.
Its like I try so hard to be the best mum I can be and he just doesnt want me. Makes me feel like such a failure that I cant breastfeed, he doesnt want cuddles, he doesnt want my milk…
Your story at least reminds me that none of it is easy. Parenting is just plain hard. But looking at how much Will loves and needs you now reminds me parenting goes beyond this crazy difficult stage. And I might be needed later.
Love your blog xoxo
(And Im so happy for you that breastfeeding with Weston is such a different story. Im quite terrified at the prospect of having a second because I dont want to feel this way ever again. All Ive ever wanted to be was a mother to my husbands children – just seems like Im kinda sucky at it!!!!! But I should just be grateful, shut up and truck on. Thanks for sharing your story xoxoxo)
OH VV…your baby definitely needs you now and later!!! I don’t know a lot but I know that you were chosen specifically by God to be his mommy. And it sounds to me like you are doing just awesome. Being great isnt determined by their response but by your devotion to a cause…and if your cause is your. son, well then you are more than great.
xo – kb
Thanks for your sweet response. I used to cry almost every day, every feed because I yearned so badly for his love. But youre right. I shouldnt expect so much from him. Hes just a baby after all and I got exactly what I asked for: a son just like his discerning and eccentric father. I thank God every night for my family and for help in reconciling my selfish feelings.
Funny tidbit: my son refuses to feed unless hes looking away from me. Doesnt matter how I position him, he insists on not facing me. Im not ugly so I dont see what his problem is. We are kinda like Lois and Stewie. 😛
You should take it as a compliment…he’s just too distracted by your lovely face to bother with trivial things like eating 🙂
xo – kb
This is a great post! I had a really great latcher and was SUPER lucky that I never cracked or had much pain. BUT, my supply just wouldn’t build. I tried everything in the book and was SO frustrated. We ended up supplementing, which only decreased my supply. Because of that, I am researching other mom’s experiences with breastfeeding (for future reference) and yours is the most honest I have found. My SIL had a similar experience, but her second one has nursed like a champ, so there may be hope yet! 🙂
I remember reading this post back when it originally when up on the blog (before I had kids). Fast forward and I’ve just had my second. After a completely normal and PAIN FREE nursing relationship with my daughter, I knew something was not right when I nursed my son. Sure enough he has a tongue and lip tie. I’ve been reading everything I could on the subject and I remembered this post and others you’ve written about breast feeding and came back to find them. My son isn’t even 3 weeks old but it’s been a rough road with nursing, followed by bottles, followed by pumping…around the clock. We go to the dentist next week to hopefully have the revisions done. Thank you for the encouragement that it gets better!!