My sister is just a rock star. She has FOUR kids now and they each are so sweet. Two summers ago, when I announced the birth of my cute little niece I said that they were done in the kid department….and they thought they were….until last spring when my sister announced that she and her husband bought a mini-van. And they were expecting. Honestly they both looked like they were in a state of shock. I won’t ever forget that day. We were sitting around my parents pool and Boots had a beer in his hand and this look on his face. It wasn’t panic or fear….more like a million spokes in his brain were turning at once. I was so excited for them and said immediately OH I HOPE IT’s A GIRL! My dad was chuckling about the number of kids his girls were having and shaking his head like he always does. My mom was squealing and we all laughed about how the mini-van will really come in handy.
Two days later my sister and I were getting pedicures and I asked her how she was feeling. She just looked down and muttered “I lost it.” Everything turned into slow motion and I couldn’t grasp enough breathe to find substance for words.
All I could say was “Oh Lori.” and my eyes welled up.
My heart still beats harder and the tears can’t be stopped just thinking about that day. She told me about how the announcement was super early and it could have been a false positive test and how sometimes the pregnancy isn’t viable for one reason or another and all that….but really I think we both knew that in that moment…it didn’t take away the space in her heart for that baby. Miscarriage surrounds us as women. I’ve had close friends go through it – the wanting, the excitement, the preparations, the loss, the funerals, the years – and it never hit as close to home as seeing the look in my sister’s eyes. I just wanted to crawl under a blanket and cry with her.
Even if your baby has no name, no pictures and no information….if our Creator called your baby home early….you are still enough. you are that baby’s mommy and always will be. you might go through enough emotions for a lifetime….some that might even scare you or may make you feel guilty….but just know that it’s okay to feel WHATEVER. It’s your process. It’s your loss. And that sometimes in that loss – there can be hope. there can be love. there can even be life. I am truly thankful for a God that never planned for death. Death wasn’t from Him. God is all about life….and for us to have it abundantly. I truly believe that.
I know I am getting preachy….forgive me….I do not know all the right words for dealing with miscarriage and death and even how to encourage anyone out there in the midst of their own tragedy. I don’t really know how to transition this story from my sister’s loss to getting pregnant again. But it happened. She still has that spot in her heart for her spring baby – I don’t think that will ever go away. But later that summer, she found out there was another little bundle of joy on the way. That little one arrived this past month and he is glorious.
I was so excited to be able to see her give birth to this last little one. (yes, I am firmly announcing it this time but keep in mind – miracles do happen!) I missed her last two….sometimes by as close as ten minutes…so this was really special to be able to be with her in her first and last. They called me on the way to the hospital and I grabbed my camera to capture what is my first-ever-birthing-photoshoot. I didn’t ask her permission to share those photos so those will probably never make an appearance here on the blog but know that she is basically the most beautiful birth-er that ever was. On July 8th 2016, Levi Cruse Dysart joined our little family on the outside. He was over 9 pounds and my sister’s biggest baby yet and he is literally ALL BOY. He has Boot’s eyes and Nornie’s lips and the softest downy skin that ever existed. I wish there was blog-o-smell-ivision because he is one of those babies that you just want to cuddle up under your neck for hours.
Sweet Levi – I love you and your squishy double chin that you push out and your long little fingers that somehow you wiggle up to your mouth. I love your squeaks and your cuddle squirms. I love everything about you. And I am so thankful for you. My boys will have so much fun with you. We love you sweet child and are ready to spoil you rotten! Love – your Aunt Katie and all the Bower boys
(cole was gone that day when we did the pictures but I promise I will get a good one of all of the kiddos soon!)
Oh em gee. Talk able it precious. I lost my only sibling before he had kids so I don’t have nieces and nephews of my own family (my sister in law has two but we are not close). There’s just a special bond between family and I am jealous of close families. Enjoy some babies!!! And all these cousins….. Wow!!! Lucky kids, they will grow up having so much fun. Enjoy!
I love all her name choices! Is Cole his middle or his first name?? I know the youngest three all have C middle names and ever since you announced Levi’s name, I’ve wondered about Cole’s name.
She does use a lot of C names! Cole Elijah, William Clay, Isla Carys and Levi Cruse. All three littles all C middles!
xo kb
Oh the squishiness!!!!! So sweet!
Hi Katie!
Long time reader and first time comment-er here! First off, Levi is just adorable! Please take what I’m going to say next as coming from someone who wishes someone would have told us earlier about this and from a heart of “every baby is perfect and beautiful, but if we can help the self-esteem of our daughter, we want to do everything in our power to do that.” Our daughter was born with similar “crimped” ears like Levi and we just thought she’d grow out of them, but when the first thing my husband’s grandpa said when he saw her for the first time on Skype was “what is wrong with her ears?!” we thought maybe it was something we should look into. We found out babies won’t grow out of it and ended up seeing a doctor who applied Earwells (http://www.earwells.com/) and they straightened out within a few weeks. None of our doctors knew about it or told us about it (apparently it’s relatively new), so I feel like it’s kind of my personal mission to let people know about it as an option if they’re interested. Again, Levi is so beautiful and perfect the way he is! As a mom, I just know I would have appreciated it if someone would have told me about this earlier (you have to get the babies in quickly to see the doc) because we ended up loving them and being so happy with the process and the end result, so we just want to share the love and knowledge. Again, congrats on the beautiful nephew!!
Congratulations to your sister and family! This is such a sweet post. I had to share your beautiful words with my infant loss support group. You touched on so many feelings that I have personally felt, and I know that so many others have those same feelings. I hope to someday have my rainbow baby, but I’ll never stop thinking about my angels.
Hi, Katie,
I’m a long time reader of your blog. Because my background has involved much photography I’ve been especially interested in watching your talent as a photographer grow over the years.
I had break my formerly hard and fast ‘no posting rule’ to tell you that your photographs of Nornie’s three children are some of the most beautiful and meaningful I’ve ever seen. Only Cole could’ve improved what you brought out.
You have an amazing gift, not only for the written word, but my goodness, girl, your photography! I’m of your mom’s generation and know she’s so proud of all that you do, but mainly for your strong faith guiding all that talent.
Keep up all your good work. I’m a big fan!
–Jan
Do you both have a William? Isn’t it confusing?
We both have boys with the first name as William – but we also both have a dad named William and both married guys with first names of William. It’s weird…we know that…but since basically my Will is the only one that goes by his first name, it gets less confusing.
xo – kb
Aww thank you Jan. That is so sweet of you and I just feel so encouraged! I feel like my photography skills have waned and I always get insecure by posting them so to hear such kind words is amazing.
xo – kb
So interesting! I would have never noticed…maybe because I have weird ears too! ha! I will tell Lori about the site – thanks for sharing!
xo – kb
I’ve been reading your blog for years but never commented until today. Thank you for your heartfelt and kind words about experiencing miscarriage. Its so rarely discussed, even by those who have gone through it, so to hear someone who has not gone through it have so much empathy for others is truly beautiful and such an important message. I lost my second pregnancy just a little over a month ago after having experienced years of infertility prior to my son being born. Reading your words about how I am enough, even for my baby whose heart never beat, brought tears to my eyes and was just so incredibly comforting. My heart aches that your sister had to go through such a painful journey but thank you for calling attention to a very sad experience that so many go through while feeling so alone. I really admire how deeply you care about others and your family. And congratulations on your beautiful new nephew!
I’m sitting in the doctor’s office crying tears of pain and joy for I have been on both ends myself with 6 miscarriages and one beautiful boy God granted me with, my miracle. He IS squishy, love it! Congrats to the ENTIRE family and God’s blessings to all!
Katie, beautiful post! Babies are so very special and precious! What a blessing little Levi will be to all of you. I miscarried baby #4, then went on to have my fourth son Mason. He is such a light in our family and although we might not understand the Lord’s reasoning this side of heaven, I’m so happy he gave us our Mason. Life is full!
I didn’t even notice! But he does have a fold in his L ear. So glad if parents choose to address it that it’s so easy!
Such beautiful photos of her children! What a beautiful family 🙂
Can you please share where you got the white fuzzy hat with the ears?? I’m expecting and due in November and have been having a hard time finding props for photos.
I think she got it at Baby Gap a couple years ago.
xo – kb
So when was your blog mentioned on YHL? I guess you also had one kid when I started reading. It doesn’t seem that long ago but I think your sister had one then too so FOUR seems crazy. You guys have been BUSY! ; ) Congrats.
It was mentioned a bunch…what do you mean?
And yes – we have been super busy 🙂
xo – kb
Thank you for this post. Explaining miscarriage as a mother is so difficult, but reading your words as an Aunt are so powerful and precise. I’ve had three pregnancies this year, all in a row, but our last pregnancy is healthy and growing strong. Nothing will change the feelings of loss I had for the other two, but knowing that I have a strong double-rainbow baby boy inside me makes my love and appreciation (and fear) stronger. Blessings to your family, you all make beautiful children. ❤️
Congratulations Bree. I hope your double rainbow baby has a safe and easy delivery!
xo – kb